Jan 6th - A Collection of Stories and Laments

We have a special bonus episode today as we remember one year ago and the Jan 6th (2021) insurrection at the capitol. We’ve asked former guests, friends and colleagues what they remember about this day? What this event meant to them? How they are feeling a year later. 

Hearing the words, stories and tears from each of the folks who’ve taken the time to lend their voice to this project has been a powerful lament. Maggie has felt them deeply within her body. 

So because of this was a traumatic event and these are stories recounting trauma responses, you the listener may also experience mild to significant discomfort. Please consider good self care, be mindful of yourself and taking breaks as needed. 

Here is the number for a national mental health care hotline, if you need to talk to someone

1-800-273-8255

Maggie start us off by reading an excerpt from her journal:

"Jan 6, 2021 Honestly I’ve got too many words and thoughts for what has transpired today. Trump supporters, radicalized and encouraged by Trump, rioted, broke into the US Capitol and sought to stop the counting of the electoral votes claiming election fraud. “An Election was stolen,” Trump said. 4 Dead. Many arrested. I’m completely shocked at the scary and dangerous level of these “nationalists.” Really, it’s the stuff we hear about happening in other countries. This is the world we brought our children into? Wow. I want to have hope in our government but I clearly cannot. I want to see change led by the church, but I do not. 

"Where are you God and what are you up to? Your endless patience, long suffering and waiting for someone to partner with… I just don’t think humankind has got enough for you to work with right now. [And yet] even as I write this I know it to not be true. [Once] again I’m looking in the wrong place. 

"God show me. I know in my head you are good and you are near. I can’t feel you. I can’t see you. Help me. I want you to make all things new. Have you started? I know you’re doing things in my family and in me… but what is [happening in] the big picture? Where is the grand finale, the great reversal, the coming of your upside-down kingdom?

"These are strange and wild times. Division is palpable. I can feel myself want to withdraw inward, to hole up and focus on “just my little world,” but I know this is not the way. 

Maggie said she remembers in the days and months following that day, the haunting and disturbing images on the news and in social media. "I felt sick, disgust, anxious and afraid. Truly afraid for the uncertain times ahead."

She says  some of these feels continue even into this morning reading the news regarding the investigation that there is “significant testimony” that Trump’s own daughter asked him to intervene and stop what was happening at the capitol and he refused. "The disgust and  fear around how much evil was at work that day is scary, even a year later."

 

 

Written Statement (No Audio Available):

Though I wasn't in front of the news last January 6, the tension in the air was palpable. As the day unfolded, I found myself in shock & disbelief as the nation's Capitol was overrun by What appeared to be primally driven, animistic behavior. There was nothing I could scrape together in my

Mind to make sense of the behavior. I was not aware these events were to take place. I attempted to make sense of the whole in shock, anguish, and disgust. The right was blaming the left. Groups claiming a "few bad apples" ruined the intended peaceful rally. I do not believe that small collective accurately represent entire organizations or people groups.

    Nevertheless, I was horrified as I continued to read about gallows, a noose, and defecation. How do we turn a blind eye to something so horrific? I find myself in an interesting place. The masses of my friends have chosen to spend the last number of years learning, growing, understanding, and attempting to change this nation's shameful history of racial exploitation and misogynistic white structures. 

Being white, it would be remiss for me not to name the times I have felt I am not a part of this. And yet, if I'm honest, heartbreakingly, I am. There are no two ways about it. We all are. 

 At times I have quietly listened as the events and ramifications of that day have been discussed; other times, I have not been so quiet. For me, nausea and sadness, coupled with anger, caused questions to roll over and over in my mind. How in the world are the events of that day be considered a step toward making America great again, and not a permanent stain on who we are, And how far we have to go?

 

Written Statement #2 (audio available):

January 6, 2021 I found myself at home, just a regular old pandemic living type of day. I bathed my kids, nursed my "baby" for the last time, I baked a loaf of sourdough bread, all while trying not to draw my kids attention to the constant news that was playing in the background.

As I watched both the news covering the insurrection at the capital and the footage of the Trump rallies nearby I would jump back-and-forth between the two events and also to commentary from several major news networks. My body was tense, I remember feeling torn and anxious and worried and almost displaced from reality. Something in me needed to SAY something or DO something especially because many around me or not or were downplaying what we were watching unfold.

I took to my Facebook page and wrote the status update "This is terrorism, white privilege, idol worship, and insurrection on full display. To not denounce it is harmful."

As I look at it now and recount the comments posted in reply. I look at the 'reactions' chosen by people and I wonder did they use the angry face because they were angry at what was happening, or at me for calling it like I was seeing it. I look back at those reactions a year later and I still am not certain. I remember learning about the term "terrorism" and the complicated nature of the word itself. Using it to describe what happened on January 6, I learned, could have serious ramifications for BIPOC individuals and even on legistaltion. I’m so thankful for the folks who took time to teach about this, and also glad I recorded my learning in the comments because I can revisit how important that type of leraning was and is. I also didn't just dirty delete something, the folks in the thread to follow along as my understanding developed and changed. As I learned that using the word terrorism for this type of event can be harmful, even if at the time it was the most accurate word I had for what I was watching, people in the comments learned with me. I also see now that my gut reaction of calling this "white nationalism" or an "insurrection" were accurate.

I lost friends because of that thread, some in person and some online friends. But, I don’t regret calling it what it was. In fact I’m really grateful for the people who also did the same, when I asked my friends what they were doing or remember from this day a year ago one said, "I remember feeling terrible about the event but I felt equally terrible about my Christian peers saying nothing." That struck me and upon reflection I’m glad my instincts were to cry out even if it wasn’t an actionable step and especially because it led me to a deeper understanding.

I recall jumping into text threads and asking others “are you seeing this to?” “What are we watching unfold?” And the sad part is our guts were right. I remember the prophetic voices in my life years prior predicting it would all go this way. Who then were there giving accurate insights into what was happening, never saying "I told you so," but instead helping us process, think about what we could do to keep POC around us safe, anticipating what else might come next. What a sacred and devastating place to be.

Now a year later it is not lost on me that January 6 is the 12th day of Christmas where some celebrate the day of epiphany. One year later I find myself in this tension again celebrating and mourning, questioning and wondering. Reading the updates about what Congress is unearthing around this event, wishing and hoping we could know the full truth of what actually went down and realizing we may never know except for what we saw with our own eyes… And even that feels complicated because everybody’s lived experience and perception is their own reality and everyone saw it so differently. I still find myself anxious and in knots when thinking about what happened and what has or has not happened since. The tension is palpable and the devastation unresolved.

 

Written Statement (no audio):

"Just saw some pictures from January 6th. Got physically sick. I am not going to do a recording, As a survivor of 48 years with malignantly narcissistic men...it was very familiar nightmare I watched unfold that day. And, the consequent gas lighting of too many. Blatant abuse. And, even then people would keep him in office. Its is beyond words for me. Heart sick." 

 

Remember January 6th 2021 –

Deanna Gemmer, Director of Community Development, Summit Ave Church

At work, writing on social media about the feast of epiphany. But also I kinda kept check twitter – had been intentional about adding voices from POC to news feed as I had been learning about my own blind spots and ignorance. These folks were warning of violence.

At one point I switched on live news coverage and couldn’t stop watching. It felt like a foreign country, except it wasn’t. The hardest part for me was seeing symbols of Christianity – like crosses, used as part of the riot. I was angry, I was hurting, I made a point to publicly condemn the violent actions as a faith leader in my community.

In the year since I have watched as Republican leaders around this country work not only to strategically dismantle voting rights, but also bully, intimidate, and harass local election workers – and in some places take over the administration of these professional and non-partisan offices. I wonder often, what will elections look like in this country this fall.

And as I think about that, I wonder – what would I do if I thought the election had been stolen? If I saw evidence and heard from trusted leaders that indeed, the wrong person was declared the winner. What would my anger cause me to do?

This fall I watched the HBO documentary – Four Hours at the Capitol. Watching the footage and hearing the first-hand accounts of the fear, of people calling loved ones to say goodbye, of officers being dragged into crowds and beaten…it just didn’t feel real. And yet it was – we lived it. And we are still living the consequences.

When it comes to our American system of government, I am very scared that we are losing our democracy. As a pastor and as student of history, I know empires rise and empires fall. And as someone called to participate in the kindom of God, which is antithetical to everything empire, I want this one I live in to crumble. Despite the myths we share and perpetuate, this nation was built on stolen land by enslaved peoples – so maybe it does need to die so something new and better can rise in its place. But I’m afraid for my own family, my own way of life, and particularly afraid for the poor and marginalized should American democracy come crashing down. So I constantly live in the tension of fear and trust.

Like the writer in Ecclesiastes says, there is a time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build. What time are we in?

NOTES (MARISA Wandeler):

My voice is sacred and it’s tied to how I feel about Jan 6th. Most of my traumatic story centers around not having a voice to advocate for myself or be seen by people who were supposed to love and treasure me. My healing journey has been about empowering my voice. So my literal voice just doesn’t want to give Jan 6th the pleasure of my voice or any kind of rebuttal.

The whole event was essentially about shutting down the voices of people like me and anyone who doesn’t elevate white supremacy. I’m not welcome at that table and never will be simply because of the color of skin and my ancestry.

Jan 6th wasn’t a new thing to feel, it was just a public display of what I already know, feel, and live with every day.

How did I feel on that day?

Simply, the same. Of course. I felt the same as I do any day—- deeply disappointed.

 

Thank you from Danielle for Rebecca Wheeler Walston, Jimmy McGee, Impact, Sam Lee, Linda Royster, Dan Allender, Kali Jensen, so many more - Kristi Repp - Maggie, my kids, my husband. Thank you.

Well, first I guess I would have to believe that there was or is an actual political dialogue taking place that I could potentially be a part of. And honestly, I'm not sure that I believe that.