Jesus Calling: Stories of Faith - Finding Courage in the Dark: Darin Kinder & Sam Eaton

0:00What happens when faith and mental health meet for real? What's up? I'm Grace Graber. Welcome to Breaking Through with Grace Graber, a podcast for honest conversations about anxiety, trauma, healing, hope, and the God who never backs away when life gets heavy. We are going to talk about everything mental health. No pretending, no perfect answers, just real stories, real faith, and a reminder that you're not alone. Get ready. You're going to be absolutely obsessed. Breaking through with Grace Graber, available now, wherever you get your podcasts. Life Audio This episode contains content that may be triggering for some listeners. Head over to the Jesus Calling YouTube channel for inspirational video content that will enhance your spiritual life. Each week you'll find beautiful devotional videos for morning, evening, and sleep, as well as stories and readings from celebrities, authors, pastors, and everyday people who share how God has worked in their lives.

1:00You'll also find the Jesus Listen Stories of Prayer series hosted by Suzy McIntyre Eaton, Jesus Calling podcast episodes, and a Scripture-based bonus series where experts walk us through specific books of the Bible. Subscribe today for new videos each week. On September 11, 2001, I was assigned to our New York Field Office, and I was in my office, and our office building was seven World Trade Centers. That first plane hit with brutal precision, but little did we know that was just begin. Welcome to the Jesus Calling podcast. This week, as the country remembers the 25th anniversary of 9-11, we're talking with Darren Kinder, a retired Secret Service agent who survived the September 11th attacks and was later awarded a Medal of Valor for his actions that day. Kinder recounts the chaos at that morning from treating the wounded on the street to making the choice to go back into a collapsing tower to help others get out. Later in the episode, we feature Sam Eaton.

2:02After enduring years of severe depression, the former music teacher had made plans to take his own life on Christmas Day in 2011. However, a single pivotal question intervened at the final second, steering him toward a new direction and a mission to support others through their own darkest trials. Let's begin with Darren's story. My name is Darren Kinder. I'm a former Secret Service agent. I retired not long ago, after 25 years of service there. I'm a survivor of the World Trade Center attack. I'm a Medal of Valor recipient for my actions that day. On September 11th, 2001, I was assigned to our New York Field Office and I was in my office. And our office building was seven World Trade Center. So that was part of the World Trade Center complex. And we had just finished working out a group of us and we were in the gym getting in the locker room, getting dressed, putting on clean suits for a long day.

3:04And we were told to evacuate immediately. And at that point, we didn't know what was going on, but the moment I dumped out into the street and looked up, I was 20 yards or so across the street from the north side of the North Tower. And that's the first tower that was hit. And I looked up and saw flames just spewing and pouring out of the building. And I didn't know what it was. I didn't know exactly all that had gone on, but I knew that wasn't a mistake. That wasn't an accident. That first plane hit with brutal precision, but little did we know that was just beginning. We went into first responder mode and we grabbed our first aid kits and everything that we had. And we just ran as a group about 30 of us to an area where there was a bunch of ambulance's, treating patients, and we just started treating the wounded. After our evacuation and subsequent rendering medical aid and care on the West Side Highway there, after the second plane impacted, that's when myself and two other co-workers, colleagues, entered into the North Tower, Tower 1, to try to help people escape.

4:12Moments before the impact of the second plane, as that plane came screeching over my head, slammed into the South Tower. I was about 80 yards from the base of that tower. And I can feel the heat on the back of my neck. Debris falling everywhere, raining jet fuel that's burning. And we all just at that point scattered like ants. And at that point, myself and two other agents decided to enter into the North Tower to help people get out. And as we went into the North Tower, we found a stairwell that people were evacuating out of. And we just went up. We entered in and got up to about the 10th floor of the North Tower, Tower 1. And we encountered a woman who was, she could no longer evacuate herself, she was exhausted. And I carried her down with the help of another man. And I told the other two agents I was with that I would see them at their next point of need. And I carried her down and then decided, when I got to the bottom, as I handed her off to some paramedics that I needed to go back up.

5:12Because at that point, I was unsteady. I was timid a little bit. I was even a little afraid. I was unsure. And that's because that was the first time that day I was alone. And I needed to be of my brothers. And I went back up and I got to about the 30th floor of the North Tower. And that's when I encountered a large group of New York City firefighters. And I had a brief conversation with them. And I was not able to find my other colleagues that two other agents that I had been with. And I decided at that point to go back down, look for my friends, look for my colleagues. And at that point, I heard the firefighter commander say something like this, get your gear together, boys, we're going back up. And I will forever honor the firefighter community, the first responder community when I tell this story because I didn't know all the circumstances. I was still kind of ignorant. I was blind to all the facts. They knew the threat. They knew the cost. And those men and women went up anyways.

6:12And I have no way of knowing for sure. But I can only assume that they're part of the 343 New York City firefighters who died that day answering the bell, answering the call, or running to the threat so that others may live. They embraced the embodiment of what we all must. As ambassadors of Christ, as witnesses for Christ, we do that work so that others may live in Christ and they were doing it that day when they went back up. I was standing outside the complex. When I looked up, I heard a noise. I looked up and I saw the top of Tower 2 buckle and begin to collapse. And I was, gosh, a hundred yards or less from the base of that tower. And here comes a 110 floor building on top of your head. And I thought I was dead. The Holy Spirit told me to run. And so I started running. And as I was running, each floor was pain-cacing on the next. And that was like a concussion, a thunder clap. And each one's getting louder and closer. And at that point, I heard the roar, the roar that huge stormed debris cloud coming my way.

7:15And I tried to outrun it. Large chunks of debris started to fall all around me. And just as that started happening, that beautiful crystal clear blue day went to a dark night of horror, honestly. My eyes, my lungs, everything was filled with pulverized concrete and other materials. And I was still sprinting and running because large chunks of debris were still falling all around me. And after I got a few more seconds, I was out of that kill zone, but I'm still in the blackness. And I see sunlight out of the corner of my eye. And I run across the street. I stagger across the street to the sunlight. And I'm looking north up in alley. And I see that there's sunlight that way. My first salt was sweet. Let's get out of here. Let's go to the light. But I stopped because that blanket, that suffocating debris cloud, it just suffocated all noise except for the screams. The cries that people in the darkness. And they were just yelling things like, I can't see somebody help me. I need help. Someone come here. Where am I?

8:16I'm lost. All these cries out into the darkness. And so I stood there. I stood there in the mouth of the alley with the sunlight behind me and I just shouted at the top of my lungs. Follow the sound of my voice. And there's light this way. Follow the sound of my voice. Come this way to the light. And about 10 to 15 people made their way to me over time. And I would send them up the alley and shoot them up to the light. Is that not the perfect spiritual metaphor for how we are called to live in the dark world today? We are called to be that man, that woman standing in the alley, pointing people to the light of life. Those who follow me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life, said Jesus. And that's our mission, as witnesses of Christ, as ambassadors representing Christ, to be the man, to be the woman standing in the alley, pointing people to the light of the world. And I wasn't thinking that at the time, but as I reflected on that time later, I decided that's what I was going to spend the rest of my days on this earth doing.

9:18I've heard it said, sometimes God creates miracles, but most of the time He creates people. He creates His followers to address the hurt, the pain, the suffering in this world. And so I like to say that this world is full of problems and you and I were created to be part of this solution for at least one. So what does that look like? And how do you discern that? And how do you follow the will of God so that you can be used for His glory and your joy? At the end of the day, on September 11th, I was rendez-villain with all of my other co-workers. There was four of us. We had served and fought together as a team all day. We finally found out where everyone else was, rendez-villain, and we went up about 30 blocks north, and we entered this large room, and the four of us were beaten and bloodied and destroyed. We have been rendering aid and carrying people, and we have been fighting fires with fire equipment and all kinds of crazy things. And my pants were like three inches shorter at the end of the day because they kept keptching fire. The soles of my shoes were malformed and melted from the heat. And we just looked at Haggard and Horrible

10:19and is a large group of co-workers and colleagues, and they looked just like we did. They had answered the bell they had been in the fight. I want to encourage people to get outside of the walls of their church and engage humanity, engage the problem, bring the love of Christ, bring the light of Christ into the dark places. You know, in our dark room, I'm open the window and kind of shovel the darkness out. No, no, no, you got to bring in the light. And so what is it? What is that arena for you? There's just so many arenas out there that are waiting for their gladiator just to show up. The inner the arena, shoulder to shoulder with brothers and sisters like-minded people that bring skills and talents and abilities that you don't have. There's no better place to get your suit dirty. I was sitting on my sofa on September 12th the next day. And as I'm processing this, and I'm grieving with my wife, and we're praying, and I made it in mission to the Lord that I shouldn't be here. I said, I fully understand that you could have taken me

11:20at least three times the day before. And so I made a promise that I was going to spend the rest of my days serving His purposes. And He started to put on me a heart for men's ministry for discipling and educating men and raising them up and equipping them to live lives of courage and integrity. And He gave me four sons along the way, started in 2006, and that was tremendous. And so now, yes, 25 years later, after that day, I have this ministry fierce faith that encourages and equips men to live lives of bold courage, pursue the God-given purpose, the purpose that He has placed upon them, the reason He created them for this time and this place, in this world. And that's what we're doing at fierce faith, and raising four sons, sending them out into the world. It can be a dark place. And so Jesus calling in other devotional type books, I love them because they can be conversational starters around the breakfast table, around the dinner table,

12:22which is great. And that's how my wife uses them in our house. I use them more for, hey, let's get an nugget. Let's get an arrow of God's truth, open it up to any day in the devotional, because my wife likes to go through it. I'm more random. And open it up and say, what's the truth here? What truth about God, about Jesus, about faith, is His scriptures, His passions speaking to. And now take that out with you as you leave this door and go out into the world, arming yourself with the truth. So that's why I love Jesus calling and today when I pray, I focus out loud on the promises of God. His book is just full of one promise after another. All these promises are true. Now that I've recently retired, I'm in a new world. I'm swimming in new waters. Now my prayer is, okay, Lord, I'm here. I'm here because I feel like you called me here. What's next? What's the next little thing you want me to knock down? What's the next thing you want me to address? What's the next stronghold you want me to bust? And if you want me to bust this stronghold,

13:22how am I going to do it? Like give me the power, give me the wisdom, give me the discernment to be used by you. And so although many would say my 25 years in the Seek of Service was navigating high-risk environments in a threatening world, and that was true. This new world feels a lot scarier to me. And so I'm also praying for courage, for boldness, to be a man that walks the walk and not just talks the talk. To learn more about Darren Kinder, visit DarrenKinder.com and be sure to check out his new book, Bury Me in a Dirty Suit, Discovering Man's Valiant Purpose in the aftermath of 9-11, at your favorite retailer. Stay tuned to Sam Eaton's story after a brief message. You've been to the bottom. You've wondered if God could ever love someone like you. Melchancy has been there, and he's not done telling the truth about it. No one is too far gone. No past is too broken. No life is beyond the reach of God's love. Full Surrender with Melchancy, a podcast about faith, strength, and surrender,

14:24real conversations, biblical truth, and redemption for anyone who has walked through the dark. Because your story is not over. And Jesus specializes in redemption. Full Surrender with Melchancy, new, unspodified Apple YouTube and most major podcast platforms. Follow and subscribe today. For a short devotional, we would love to introduce you to the Salvation Army's One Minute Podcast, Heartbeat. New episodes drop every Tuesday and Thursday. One of the biggest questions we carry as human beings is, what happens next? What will Heaven be like? The Bible gives us incredible promises about eternity. We know that through Jesus, death isn't the end. We know there will be no more pain, no more suffering, and that we will be with God. But it's interesting that the Bible doesn't give us every detail about Heaven. And maybe that's intentional. Maybe God didn't reveal everything because He doesn't want us spending our lives only looking forward to the next one. He wants us to live this one. Jesus said, I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly. We don't have to fear the future because God holds eternity.

15:24But we also don't have to miss the beauty of the life He has given us right now. Live fully, love deeply. Trust God with what comes next. For more episodes of Heartbeat, visit SalvationArmyRadio.org. These uncertain times bring anxiety and fear. But Jesus listens prayers for every season gives you daily prayers of comfort. With seasonally inspired illustrations, this beautiful book includes prayers that speak to your situation, whether it's a time of stress or strength. Look for Jesus listens prayers for every season wherever you buy books. This story is based on the story of the Christmas Day. Our next guest is Sam Eaton, a former music teacher who wants planned his own death on Christmas Day. And instead, chose to stay and to spend the years since helping others find a way through their darkest moments.

16:24My name is Sam Eaton. I'm an author, speaker and founder of Recklessly Alive. And the work I do is really focused on helping people who've lost hope and who feel like maybe life isn't worth living. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who as a result of that disease just caused a lot of pain in my life. Coming home from school, I didn't know if it was going to be a lafie and I was just going to spend the time having fun with these stories. I grew up with an alcoholic father who, as a result of that disease, just caused a lot of pain in my life. Coming home from school, I didn't know if it was going to be a lafie because I was going to be a child. going to be a laughy, joky kind of a drunk day or a chair throwing day. And it created in me this kid that was just really afraid of the world. My kindergarten teacher actually recommended that my mom hold me back for a year because I used to hide under the table in kindergarten. And I was very timid and afraid of everything, afraid to live, afraid to try. One of the gifts he did give me was he would take me and my sister to Sunday school

17:28if we asked him. And so church became this really safe place amid the storm outside. It was this place that felt calm and peaceful. The people there were a bit different than the people I was used to encountering. I didn't really know God or even know if I believed in him then. There was just a warmth and a love that I felt from a place like that, even in those hardest parts. My dad left when I was 12. I haven't seen him since. I haven't had a relationship with him. He had been having an affair. He was a part of a murder investigation. There was just lots of financial trauma for us, lots of emotional trauma. But on the outside, I was doing fine. None of my teachers really knew what I was going through. Even in middle school, I had straight A's, I was on the basketball team. And I really felt like, oh, I have to hold this together for my mom and my sister. I have to be the one who kind of get us through this storm. But when I got to high school, things really fell apart. For the first time in my life, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I started writing on my math papers. I hate my life. Suddenly, I found myself at night thinking, maybe I shouldn't have been born.

18:31Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I should have never existed. And those are thoughts that I've had to work on and challenge even through my adult life and thoughts that a lot of people, regardless of if they've shared, we'll say that they've experienced some part. Sometimes in the church world, they say, oh, I'm just waiting for God to take me home. But we have all these little ways of saying, oh, man, I'm ready for this to be over. And they were so loud and so intense. But nobody told me what I was experiencing has a name and it's called depression. It's a common and serious medical illness, especially in the church. Nobody ever talked to me about depression and suicide until I was the one encouraging the church to have these conversations. I had this really pivotal moment in November 2011. My life had really hit rock bottom. I was in my first year of teaching. I graduated college with over $90,000 of student loan debt. I didn't understand the world of college. I was the first person in my family to go to college. And I felt so stupid and ashamed that I had made

19:33that choice. And then I didn't understand what that would look like, especially as a new teacher making $30,000 a year. I ended a really important relationship that I had in college, someone who just meant the world to me. But even then, I knew in my mental health, I felt like I wasn't good enough for her that I couldn't give her life that she wanted. And then I watched her very quickly, fallen love with somebody else and marry somebody else, which really hit the core deep feelings that I wasn't worthy of someone else of a healthy relationship. I had moved back home where some of the most traumatic moments in my life had happened. And I hadn't been to therapy or done any work around letting some of that stuff go. And so that was kind of rising back up in me. I started drinking a lot to cope with that. And I truly kind of craved some of those moments of forgetting who I was. But of course, now I know how much worse that made it, how much that worsens anxiety and depression. But this kind of perfect storm led to this moment in November of that year. I was driving around in my car and I was just screaming at God, which is so

20:35angry and crying and so mad because so much of the messaging I had heard in my Christian journey was, you know, God has great plans for your life. You know, we hear that so often. And of course, I believe that. But in moments of extreme pain when you can't see hope, I was like, Oh, God, wow, you must really hate me. If this is the great plans that you had for your life, so much pain that I'm not even sure I want to be alive, how can you be a good God? How can this be it? And with that, we're experiencing suicidal thoughts. Our brain is sick. They've actually done brain scans and parts of your brain aren't lighting up the way that they should. So it's a multitude of things. It's like, you don't feel the hope and the love of your family and friends because your brain is sick. And on top of that, I was resisting a lot of the things that were good or that could have helped me. And I didn't have the strength of the courage to open up about it. I kept it really internal. And so as I'm driving through that car and I'm crying and I'm thinking about when or if or how. And finally, I just,

21:37I gave a dangerous ultimatum. I said, God, on December 25th, I'm either going to end my life or I'm never going to think about this again. And at that point, I had been living already 10 years, almost a not amount of pain. I just said, I can't do this for another 50 years. So I wrote that in a journal. I went home and I spent most of that next month, not always every day thinking I was absolutely going to do this. You know, we hear a lot about the selfishness of suicidal thoughts. It's funny because even in those moments, I was deeply thinking about my family. I was thinking, how could I make this easy for them? Again, my brain being sick, I truly thought their life would be better off without me. I woke up on Christmas Day. I got out of our family Christmas stuff and I, I put a note on the bathroom door. I said, please don't come in. I didn't want anyone to have to find me. And I spent most of the day wrestling with this. And I described it as just the closest thing to hell that somebody could experience. Imagine so much pain that you can't even think about

22:37your friends and family. I would lay down on the cold tile floor, cry, I would stand back up. And the voices in my head were so loud. And you know, I'm having all these flashes of just really horrible things, these moments of bullying and abuse. And so I started counting backwards from 10. 10, 9, 8, I saw that the most painful moments flashing before me. And then 7, 6, I saw these really happy moments, things I would miss, my family and friends. And then 5, 4, somewhere about 3, this question or this feeling really broke through. And the feeling was, have you really given life everything you've got? Because if you have Sam, it's okay. You can give up. This can be the end. But I'm not sure that you have tried everything to heal and to create this life that you want to live to get help, to go out into the world and be bold and be the kind of person that you want to be.

23:44So in the bravest moment of my whole life, I grabbed the things, I grabbed the note off the bathroom door, I got in my car and I just started driving. And I sat in this abandoned parking lot, downtown Minneapolis. I watched the minutes tick by 1158, 1159, midnight. I had made it and I had decided to stay. And I went home, I caught in bed, went to sleep, woke up the next day, emotional stability restored. I wish I could say that everything was healed and the life was perfect from then on out. It's been a long journey of therapy, of getting help, of learning how to care for my brain and my body, learning how to connect with God, learning about the truths that God says about who I am and who I made to be. But ultimately, I've used that question to save me time and time again. It's, have you really given life everything you've got? Because I think that's the life that Jesus calls us to, to be brave and courageous and to give it what we've got, no matter how hopeless we might feel. There's always a little more in us, especially when we have him on our side.

24:48Unfortunately, depression and suicide thoughts are something I still battle. There's so many parts of the Bible that talk about depression and suicide. Maybe they didn't have the language, but so many of those stories talk about people feeling like they don't know if they want to still be alive if they can continue. God take my life, the Psalms, they're crying out to God about how painful life can be. And strangely, that's so comforting to know that what I have experienced, it's part of the human story. I'm not messed up. I'm not a mistake. Like I was made on purpose for a purpose in that there's been this good God who's been this quiet and gentle voice that's willing to meet us when we make a little time for him. Jesus calling has been a big part of that for me. I've had that book for years, something about the way that Sarah Young wrote that book that feels like just warmth. It feels like a hug. It feels like someone whispering through the strength. We lose almost 50,000 people a year to suicide in the US. We just have to be

25:49willing to talk about it, to have these hard conversations, and to encourage people to seek the medical help that can help them. Like it has helped me create a life that they they want to live and that they can love. I spend a lot of time focusing on high schools and university. And those moments is so hard to see. You can't see what 30 is going to be like. Can my story just give someone enough chance to not make a rash decision and try to keep me through it? I'm reading from Jesus listens, March 26th, Ever Present God. The most important fact of my existence is that you are perpetually with me, taking care of me. I'm thankful that you are not limited by time or space and that your presence with me is a forever promise. So I have a good reason to face the future calmly, trusting that you are already there. Your word assures me that when I make the quantum leap into eternity, I will find you awaiting me in heaven. Since my future is in your hands,

26:54I don't need to worry about tomorrow. Whenever I start to feel anxious, help me hear you saying, my child, do not worry. Lord, I want to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do. Instead of being distracted by future concerns, I'll try to entrust them to you. Each day of life is a glorious gift from you. But I confess that I struggle to live within the confines of today. Often, my energy for abundant living spills over the timeline into tomorrow's worries or past regrets. When I waste my precious energy in this way, I limp through the day instead of living it to the full. But when I keep my focus on your presence in the present, I can walk confidently, living exuberantly in your trusted name, Jesus. To learn more about Sam Eaton, visit recklesslyalive.com and be sure to check out his book, You Can Do This, Daily Affirmations

27:56to Live recklessly Alive at your favorite retailer. If you'd like to hear more stories about binding hope through depression, check out our interview with Jay Louder. Next time on the Jesus Calling Podcast, we'll hear from David Pollock, who heard a doctor tell him, you broke your neck, one play into a second NFL season. Then, who later learned, trust God with something even harder, his wife's cancer diagnosis. There's going to be a time in your life where you are forced to carry across. You didn't earn, you didn't deserve, and you don't want, and here's the thing, how are you going to carry it? Thanks for listening to the Jesus Calling Stories of Faith Podcast on the Live Audio Network. Every week we'll bring you stories from people who share their journeys of faith, and how prayer and a relationship with God transformed their lives.

29:00Be sure to follow us on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and leave us a review so others can be inspired weekly by these stories of faith. Finally, you can find encouragement, resources, and more on the Jesus Calling website at JesusCalling.com. Are you concerned about tensions in the Middle East? Do you wonder where we're currently at in the biblical timeline? Are we really in the last days? Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Karl Müller with the Inside the Episcenter Podcast. Every week, my co-host, bestselling author Joel Rosenberg and I, answer those questions and more. You'll hear inside knowledge of our meetings with leaders at the highest levels of government in the US, Israel, and the Middle East, equipping you to filter the news with Biblically Sound Insights. Find Inside the Episcenter on your favorite podcast app, or go to JoshuaFun.com to listen and subscribe. The Historical Jesus Podcast is the sweeping saga of the life and times of Galilean, Jesus of Nazareth, as well as the faith, religion, and church

30:07founded to honor and disseminate his acts and teachings. Join me, Mark Vinet, on this fascinating journey through time, exploring the many great works of Christian theology, literature, architecture, music, and art inspired by the words and deeds of Jesus Christ.