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In times like these, we all need a word of encouragement.
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From Pastor and Best Selling Author, Max Lucato,
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comes the Max Lucato Encouraging Word Podcast
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with over 40 years of ministry
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and more than 145 million books sold in 50 languages.
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Max shares the greatest story ever told.
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The living savior who brings hope for a lifetime
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through rich, biblical insight, heartfelt storytelling.
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You'll be reminded that God is always near,
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always for you and always in you.
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Listen to the Max Lucato Encouraging Word Podcast
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where hope meets your day.
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Subscribe now, wherever you get your podcasts.
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and Google Play Stores.
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I'm Susie McIntyre, Eaton for Jesus.
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Listen Stories of Prayer.
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The second episode of our podcast with Dr. Alander
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and Dr. Steve Call is so amazing.
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We're going to get deeper into how our methods
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of relating our methods of communicating
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may be influencing the awareness of our marriage.
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We're going to go into the studio
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and speak with Dr. Steve Call and Dr. Dan Alander
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about their new book, The Deep Rooted Marriage.
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We're here with Dr. Dan Alander and Dr. Steve Call.
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It is so good to be with you guys again.
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And this is part two.
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So if you did miss the first one,
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you need to go back and get just a little bit more
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of a background on what we're talking about.
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You talk about the intention to bless
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and moving into each other's stories
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or each other's trauma or each other's trigger points
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or whatever it is that is alive right then.
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And holding the intention to bless,
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can you say more about that?
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Contempt, which we talked a little bit about the last time,
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is a form of judgment.
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It's a way of making the other person pay
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because their differences create disappointment
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and there is division.
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When we feel unsafe, we feel in some ways
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a little bit lost, we often make our spouse pay.
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Well, is that that moment where we're doing
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the very opposite of blessing?
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Blessing truly is I want glory and goodness and beauty
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for you and I know God has enabled me to be
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the face of God on your behalf.
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So in that sense, we are passing on to the other.
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Something of the great blessing and number six
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of May his face shine upon you.
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We get to be the face of God shining upon our spouse
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even in the midst of hard, hard conversations.
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That's what we mean by blessed.
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Dr. Call, what do you want to say about it?
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You know, the face of God on behalf of our spouse,
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I think that's a really beautiful image.
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that speaks to the heart.
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The way you just described the story around,
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where did that come from?
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You know, like when we're having this interaction
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between us as spouses and you're,
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like, where did that come from or comes from somebody else?
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I think that where did you come from?
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Again, how is that question asked?
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What's the posture of the wondering?
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Is it a tone of accusation or blame
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or is it, again, a tone of wondering,
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a tone of curiosity?
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And I think if we hope for nothing else,
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that really is it, is inviting couples to be
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where the posture in which they ask that question.
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And so of course, there's a protective response.
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So what are you going to do with what I revealed to you?
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What are you going to do with what I share with you?
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That's often, again, that I want to really honor
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the need to protect.
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Like that's what fear says, fear protects us.
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But it's the illusion of protection
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that actually more often than not,
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it's the opposite of that.
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That actually it does create safety.
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It does create intimacy.
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But fear says don't.
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Fear says don't expose.
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Because at times it might have been
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in the past used to harm us in some form or another.
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So it's a form of safety, but again, the illusion of safety.
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Now when we get married, we want this person
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to always stay that person.
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We all know they are not going to stay the same.
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How can we let go of that expectation
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that they'll always be the same as when we married them?
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So one of the things that we underline in the book
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is how important it is that we name what
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grew us to one another.
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Because it wasn't just the beauty and the physicality
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There was something about the other
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that promised without even knowing it, redemption,
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a change, something of a return of the loss,
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a kind of restoration of what was stolen.
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And in all that, if we were to actually say,
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our marriages are meant to redeem us, to restore us,
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and it's going to be just like any other form of sanctification,
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a disruptive, messy, complex, and lifetime process,
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then we have then the commitment not to change one another,
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but in so many ways to be transformed by one another.
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It's the very part of us, God is created for all mammals
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that long for connection and intimacy,
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and as Steve put it, for safety.
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And yet oftentimes, it's how we move into a conflict,
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not the avoidance that allows for a sense of,
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oh, there is safety, even though we differ,
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even though there is a potential for conflict growing,
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I know you are pursuing me.
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And that changes the tonality.
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Intimacy calls me to be known at levels
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I don't want to be known.
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I just rather not talk about it.
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It's fine if she talks about it,
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but I'd rather maintain the stoic aloof caregiver.
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And so what advice would you give or framework of thinking
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would you give to me to help embolden me,
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to step into more of wisely trusting her with parts of me?
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I'm not even sure of.
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Literally when we expose ourselves to what we're afraid of
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and we weren't harmed,
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oh, it reinforces now the narrative,
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oh, I can step toward what I'm afraid of and not harm me.
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In a perfect dialogue that would be true,
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but what about for the people who they have exposed their fears,
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maybe in not a very articulate way,
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and their spouse didn't handle that.
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Just naming the impact of that interaction
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where you're not blaming the other,
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but the primary word is,
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I know my own response to you right now
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is not what I want to be.
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So in that beginning point,
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then the question becomes,
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do you want to engage differently?
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Do you want a different interaction now?
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Can you go begin the process of engaging?
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What's happening in your own heart?
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So having the ability to name confess,
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but also honor by inviting,
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but where the invitation cannot be held well,
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being able to honor,
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well, we need at least some degree of momentary separation.
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I need to go tend to my heart.
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You need to go tend to yours.
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That is an avoidance.
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That's creating a context
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to create different levels of new safety.
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I mean, we're all being real with you today.
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We all have our problems.
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Even Dr. Allender and Dr. Kall,
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who talk about this and wrote this book right here,
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they still have to practice what they preach.
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Guys, we always close the episode
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with a reading from Jesus' Listen Stories of Prayer.
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And this is April 19th.
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All knowing God, you have searched me and known me.
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You understand my thoughts from afar
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and you are intimately acquainted with all of my ways.
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How thankful I am to be fully known by you.
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Everything about me is visible to you,
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including my most secret thoughts and feelings.
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This transparency would terrify me
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if I were not your beloved child.
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But I have nothing to fear
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because your perfect righteousness
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has been credited to me through my faith and you.
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I'm so grateful to be a permanent member
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of your royal family.
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I can dive right in,
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asking you to help me cope with the things I'm facing
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and I can spend time just relaxing with you,
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breathing in the joy of your presence
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in your role, name, Jesus, amen.
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What an honor it has been for me to be with you
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on this two-part series of Jesus' Listen Stories of Prayer.
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I wanna thank Dr. Allender and Dr. Call
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for taking the time out of their precious schedule
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to be with us to enrich our lives.
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We'll be back with another guest at another time,
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but until then, I want you to remember something
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that Jesus hears you, he cares for you
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and he's just a prayer away.
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I'll see you next time.
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I'm Susie McIntyre-Eaten.
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Be sure to follow us on social media
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and on the Jesus Calling podcast on Apple
10:55
or wherever you get your podcasts
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so that you can keep up with our weekly audio episodes
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in special monthly series like this one.
11:03
And be sure to subscribe to the Jesus Calling channel
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on YouTube where you'll find the video version
11:09
Thanks for listening.
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No matter what you're going through,
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Sis, if you've experienced painting
11:15
your father-daughter relationship,
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I want you to know that you are loved and seen.
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I'm Kea Stevens, host of the Hope for Women
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with Father Wounds podcast.
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And I created my show to help you
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exchange your father-wounds for the love of God, the Father.
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Join me for encouragement, wisdom, and scripture.
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Just search Hope for Women with Father Wounds
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on lifeaudio.com or wherever you get your podcast.
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I'm Mark Vinette, host of the historical Jesus podcast
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which presents the new series Miracles,
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focusing on biblical miracles from the old and new testament.
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Join me on the historical Jesus podcast
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as I explore the interesting, compelling, intriguing,
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and wonderful miracle stories of the Bible
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and the many great miraculous events
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inspired by the words and deeds of Jesus Christ.