Lecture - Dealing with Family Problems | Mufti Menk

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

May the peace and blessings be upon all of you

Of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

Bismillahi r-Rahman r-Rahim in the name of Allah the Most Gracious

The Most Merciful

All praise is due to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

Blessings and salutations upon Muhammad

Salallahu wa sallam

His household, his companions

May Allah bless them and every one of us

I mean

My brothers, my sisters

Dealing with family problems

If you have a mindset from the very beginning

Of navigating through issues that will occur

Within your family units

Then you would be able to deal with them in a better way

But if from the very beginning you're not empowered

Regarding some of what has come in the or

Aren't to begin with and then in the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad

Salallahu alayhi wa sallam

You won't be able to deal with these things when they come

And you won't see the signs of warning

That are coming in your direction

So let's spend a little bit of time today

Looking at how to deal with family problems

I want to start off by going right to the beginning

When you were born

There were two things

Parents and children

Most cases

In some cases parents have passed on

Sometimes the mother has passed away at childbirth

The child survives

And those are cases that are not as common as

The normal children parent relationships

But primarily it's a gift of Allah

And at the same time it's a test

It's a gift of Allah for you to have had those

Who looked after you when you were little

Gift of Allah

They changed your nappies, they gave you a name

They gave you an identity in that sense

In the sense that they gave you a name

They called you something

They took care of you, they played with you in most cases

You know that time of childhood is so important for us to empower the children

And say good words to them, speak to them, educate them

Teach them about Allah and how to get to Allah

Because primarily the first thing you have to do as parents is

While looking after your children

You need to teach them about the deen and the dunya

Meaning the religion as well as the worldly life out there

They need to know their maker and they need to know how to live on earth

So that is a test of Allah

It's a responsibility that's placed on our shoulders

Those who are parents

May Allah bless those who don't have children with children

So the blessing is that the kids have children

Sorry the kids have parents who can look after them

And the parents have children who they can play with or they call my child

Although you need to know the child belongs to Allah

Allah has just loaned you the child for a period of time

That's the gift of Allah

Subhanallah

Test as well, like I said

I hope you've understood the difference between the two

How you address the child is definitely a test

You swear your child you will pay a price

In the eyes of Allah, you must empower the child with loving words, encouraging words

Did you know that when you tell your child you are stupid, you are ugly, you are a failure

You keep on repeating that they begin to believe that

And the opposite is true when you tell them you're beautiful, you're successful

You can do it, you're amazing

And I love you so much, they begin to believe that

And they are empowered and more confident, check it out

You can see it

So my brothers, my sisters, something amazing

Is that a child is more like an empty vessel at the beginning

And you feel that vessel with a lot of things

Let them be good things

The way you speak, the way you interact, the way you care for the child

All has an impact in building the family unit to begin with

You didn't have time for your child, you never were there for the child

Listening to the issues, the problems communicating, developing a friendship

As well as a relationship with your own children

You would never be able to guarantee their beautiful upbringing

You need to make good decisions regarding these children

But still, when you've made brilliant decisions, you brought them up

You've spoken, you've been very fair, you know, in the case of divorce

And in the case of where someone has passed away

A lot of the times there is a battle, there is push and shove

People want to take the kids and prove a point

Without looking at what is best for the children

They want to be arrogant by trying to prove a point

To the other spouse that I'm going to fix you, perhaps

You're not going to see these kids

Well, Allah, those kids grow up with the parental deficit

That plays out later on in their lives in different ways

Don't do that, it's your test

You destroy the fabric of the family unit, completely

In a very bad way, because divorce is permissible

But the games that we play thereafter are haram

May Allah help us, we should not play games with the lives of the children

Not at all

And vice versa, whatever the rights are, we fulfill in the most beautiful way

We should help and encourage the child to visit

That child's other parent

You don't need to say nasty things

When you have a problem in the family and you've broken up completely

And you've divorced totally, you don't need to involve your children in it in a way that

You start telling them about negative things about their own parent

How do you think they will grow up?

No matter what happens, say a few positive things, encourage them to have a relationship

Unless they were total abusers

And unless it is really and truly feared

That these children will suffer a consequence of developing a relationship with that person

Because of the criminal behavior of the person, then it's an exception

May Allah grant us goodness

Even if you've given your child the best of upbringing

One thing you need to know is things could go wrong later on

How?

Because shaytan and external factors

Give you the example of the first family problem that we know about from Allah

Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala

As he mentioned in the Quran

Is the story of herbil and kabil

The children of Adam and Hawa may peace and blessings be upon them

Habil in the English language known as Abel

And kabil known as Kain

They were brothers, they became jealous

One became jealous of the other because Allah favoured one

A little bit more than the other

What was that favor? Well, a few things are mentioned to mention one Allah says in the Quran

If qarrabah qurbanan

Fatu kubbilan min a'hadi hima wa lam-mu'ta qabbal min al-akhar

Qahla l-a'kul tulanak

When they both sacrificed for Allah and one was accepted and the other was not accepted

The one whose sacrifice was not accepted pointed at the other and said

I'm going to kill you

Oh, Allah wa akbar

Does that mean Adam alayhi salam didn't bring them up well?

No, he brought them up very well

But it means shaitan tampered with the mind

External factors came into play and this child became jealous of the other

Jealousy is dangerous

The Prophet's Rasulam says it will eat up your good deeds

In the same way that fire consumes dry log

In al-Hassada ya'kulu al-Hassanat

Kamat akulu narul hatab be careful

Don't allow your heart to be overtaken by jealousy

Allah is the giver Allah distributes

He'll give some more wealth than others

He'll give some better homes than others

He'll elevate some in knowledge more than others

He'll give some more power than others

He'll give something greater than others

Don't be jealous, it's the choice of Allah

Allah says we are the ones who have distributed their livelihoods for them in this world

And we raised some above the others

So may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala protect us as believers

So that we learn a lesson

They became jealous of one another, one promised to kill the other

This shows that extreme jealousy might lead brothers to hurt each other

Well in this case the one says look if you're going to harm me

I'm not going to harm you, I fear Allah

So imagine the mindset

This brother is saying I'm going to harm you

The other one's mindset is such that no no no no you are my brother

You are my brother, I love you

Even if you want to harm me I'm not going to harm you

In fact the verse continues to say

If you're stretching your hand to harm me

I'm not going to stretch my hand to harm you

Because I fear Allah, Lord of the worlds

Now which mindset is more correct?

The one who is prepared to overlook the one who's prepared to make peace

Or the one who wants to go to war

Obviously the one who's prepared to make peace

And what was the matter all about?

Whose fault was it?

It was not Abels fault, it was Keynes fault

He is the one who threatened

And guess what? He executed the threat

He killed his brother

He regretted it thereafter

So regret comes when there is unchecked jealousy against someone

And here we're talking of family members

If you don't deal with this problem quickly

And you don't resolve the matter and talk and think

And related to Allah and the teachings of the messenger

Salallahu alayhi wa sallam

You are going to regret

For us Bahamine and Dimeen

He became from among those who regretted

And in the verse Minal Khasirin from the losers

He lost and he regretted too late

Too late

His life changed thereafter

He was now a criminal

He had to lead a different type of a life after that

And those details we won't go into right now

But we pay sometimes when we have unchecked hatred

Now how does hatred come about in family members

I've already made mention of wealth and perhaps elevation of status, knowledge, looks

Sometimes a better spouse, better children, a better home, a better this and that

It's okay, Allah gives each one a package

It's a test from Allah

Not everyone who has a better home is actually a better person

Not everyone who has more authority is actually higher in status in the eyes of Allah

Sometimes the one who has no authority whatsoever is the highest in status maybe

In the eyes of Allah because of their worship and their closeness to Allah in relation

In Akramakum, in Dallahi Atkakum

The closest to Allah in honor are those who are the best in relationship with Allah

Amazing

So these problems need a mindset to be able to assist in navigating through them

It is not that you won't have problems

You will all face family problems at some point

Difficulty, hardship, misunderstanding

You know what, you have to have a big heart

You have to overlook, you have to be able and not like came to say

Let's not fight, it's okay

In this particular case, it wasn't something he could give his brother because it was from Allah

But he tried, didn't he?

Who was the winner?

He was, the one who was martyred was the winner

Let me give you another example of a family problem

mentioned in the Quran as well

And it's all to do with a mindset

Again jealousy, the brothers of the Prophet, use of Joseph may peace be upon him

They became jealous of him when he was little

Just because the father, they thought was closer to the brother than them

So they started saying, well let's kill him

Again killing, all the way up to killing

Children of a Prophet wanting to kill each other

Or wanting to kill one of them

Out of jealousy of a relationship between the child and the father

This teaches us a lot

In order to avoid family problems, we must be fair with our children, boys and girls

We must be fair, we must empower them with good words

Do you know if you keep telling your child negative words?

They begin to believe those negative words

In fact, it happens with everyone

If someone keeps telling you you're stupid, you're a failure, you're thick, you're ugly, you're fat

You begin at some point to believe these things

Be careful, don't ruin the minds of people

Especially your children and even the children of others

You're a schoolteacher or you're a parent or whoever you may be

Say good words, don't say you're a bat and you're a this

Those are dangerous terminologies that are written against your name

Payable in this world as well as in the hereafter

Repent from those

Say good words

You're lovely, you're beautiful

You can do it, you will be able to do it

Subhanallah

Those are empowering words

They begin to believe I can do it, I will do it, I'm beautiful

The confidence levels are developed

They will be able to resolve not just family problems

But problems of the Ummah, the community and the nation and the globe

Because you as a parent or an adult

Empowered them to believe in themselves by the help of Allah

And that's why I look at the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam

He used to address the children with respect on them

Give them the empowering words that helped make them beautiful sahaba

Over time

They became companions of note

The little ones at that time, Abdullahi bil Mas'ud

Radya Allahu an Huma

Abdullahi bil Abbas Radya Allahu an Huma

Those were little children

And you know what?

They were empowered because of the way the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam spoke to them

Coming back to the family unit, let's speak to each other with respect

Don't allow your wealth to come in the way of your brothers and sisters, the siblings

Don't let the wealth break your relationship

Someone has more, someone has less, it's okay

It's okay, they don't owe it to you

And you shouldn't be jealous of them, but help each other

Allah speaks about helping family before anyone else

For art is al-Qurba haqqahu

Well, miskin al-Hobna Sabil

Before going to the miskin and the poor person and the waifera

Allah starts off by relatives

Give your relatives the due when you have wealth and you witness your siblings not doing too well

Help them, give them allow will give you

Empower them in a good way

And don't let your women or your spouses come in the way of that relationship

What that means is sometimes you have a spouse

So both ways it could be the women or the men

They say it happens more with the women

They become jealous of what you have done for your brothers and sisters

When she's not a member of the immediate family

She came in and was introduced later

But it happens, it can happen

Like I say it's not only women, but they say it's more so

Whatever it might be

It's a lesson that we need to learn

Don't get emotional about what we're saying

It's a fact, it's just a lesson

Don't allow a spouse of yours to come in and break a relationship with the rest of your family

It's not good enough

Yes, unless there is something toxic that has happened

There was a rape, there was abuse

There was for example a great crime that was committed against someone

There was some form of negativity

There was unacceptable

In that case you may want to withdraw a little bit

Depending on what exactly it is

Family units are given so much of importance by Allah that Allah says

Even if they're not Muslim you must fulfill their rights

Bilma Aruf

In the best possible way that is acceptable

Fulfill their rights

And Allah Almighty will open your doors

So we must have this mindset

If Allah is saying that be kind to your parents

And if they're not Muslim and asking you to do something wrong

Then you excuse yourself from that

But still be good to them

Although they're not Muslim

Imagine how much of importance Allah gives this family unit

Have that mindset in many countries

So many people who are revered to Islam

So many people whose parents might be

Someful in their own way

It doesn't mean you don't fulfill their rights

But you don't follow the sin

And you don't obey a wrong instruction

Subhanallah

So don't allow your wealth to divide you

Because sometimes people have money and they become hoti

Sometimes people become jealous of each other like I said

And you need to train yourself not to be jealous

When you're jealous the Hadith says

It eats away at your good deeds

Just like fire eats away at a dry log

I tell you why

Because you are questioning Allah's distribution

We have distributed this sustenance between them in the world

You have a problem with it

Do you have a problem with it?

Allah says I gave that one a million, I gave this one ten only

I gave that one a billion and I gave this one a thousand only

That's up to Allah

Work hard, enjoy what you have

Thank Allah, continue in this world

And Allah will grant you

Don't be jealous of each other

Don't break a family, work hard to build a family unit

So like I said, you need to have a big heart to be able to get along with the extended family

You need to be able to sacrifice in order to be able to get along with the extended family

And there are a lot of benefits of the sacrifice that is made in order to try your best to be together

A lot of benefit, actually you see it later, especially in your children

They grow up, they have cousins, they have this, they have relatives, they have family members, they have grandpa, grandma

On either side, in most cases

In many cases actually

You are fortunate

You know those who have grown up in an extended family want to detach

And those who have been detached and been alone want to join an extended family

How ironic, look at man, he is never happy

A person living alone all their lives, they say, I wish I had a family

And you have someone who has had a family, I wish I was all on my own

Man, what do you want to make up your mind?

Either way, but Allah says when you are together, it is better for you

So much so that community also, Allah tells us through the blessed lips of Muhammad al-Ala Salam

The one who mixes with people and bears patience upon their negativity

Is better than the one who doesn't mix with them and doesn't have to bear any patience

Upon their negativity

That doesn't mean that you are not allowed to withdraw

When it is toxic, you can withdraw

When it is harming your mental well-being, you can withdraw

You can and also it is your right

When you get married for example, it is the right of your spouse or the right of your wife

Or you as a nuclear, a new family

To have a separate quarters without interference of the family members

When you live a little bit separately, you will be able to fulfil each other's rights in a better way

People say, well you know what, I need to look after my mum and dad

So I am going to be living right here on my own

I can't comment on that for everyone with one comment

Because it depends on where you live, your circumstances, the type of community you are in, which society and so on

But as time is progressing, the rule of Islam and the law that has been laid to say that a woman is entitled her separate quarters

Not necessarily far away, but a separate quarters

That is understood because I have found over time in this day and age that when you are a slight distance there is greater love

I can serve my parents better from living half a minute away, a minute away or next door or somewhere very near

I can serve them better, you know, I can perhaps serve them meals, I can help them, I can clean up for them, a lot of other things

Sometimes when I am living right in their faces, there is no appreciation

And this is why I say, if you want to live together, you have to have a big heart, you have to appreciate each other

You have to acknowledge, don't make life difficult, don't be demanding and don't be unfair

Unfair means when you delegate all of the work to one person and you think that person is a slave of the home, there will be a war

There will be a disaster, have a mindset of being fair

You do the work, I will do the work, we will share the work, we make sure it's fair and we rotate it

So that everyone knows, we will do this, Mashallah, we want to live in a big family unit while everyone has to pick up

And everyone has to work hard, everyone has to share the chores

You can't have one person doing everything for everyone all the time and just because he or she happens to be a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law

Whatever it may be, that they are conscripted to do this every day, no they will get fed up, it's torture, it is torture, I promise you

So share the work, make sure that it's done properly and you will be able to live correctly

You know the Quran gives a lot of importance to being fair and just, even when it's not family

Imagine, the same Quran is telling you when your father is wrong, when your mother is wrong, your parents are wrong

You must make sure you stood firm for justice against them, many people don't like that

It's an injunction, it's in the Quran, someone says, well that's my mother, that's my father, I can't say anything

Allah says, you stand up firm for what is right, whether it is against yourself, your parents or your relatives

stand up for what's right, for what's just

So sometimes the family unit is broken, simply because the mindset is such that I can't say anything to my parents, those are my parents

Part of the respect of the parents, people wrongly think is to cheer them on when they are wrong

Your parents are human beings, lovely people in Sharla but they need to be corrected at times, someone needs to do it

You cannot just think that out of respect of my parents, I'm going to just keep quiet

You can't say that, they were wrong, Al Amrubil Mahruf, Iwan Nahi Anil Munkar, to encourage that which is right and to stop that which is bad

Starts at home, with your own family members, your children, your spouses, your parents, your relatives, your uncles and aunts

When Allah sent Muhammad Salah Salam, he was sent in order to remind Quraysh to begin with and his family members to start with

Andir Aashirataka al-Aqrabin, Allah says, won't first your family members, those who are close to you

So remember that there are so many family problems that we do have, you know

We need to navigate through them, financial problems that people are facing today are such that because of COVID and because of many other things people have lost jobs and so much more

Let's help each other, like I said earlier, but let's not be extravagant, have a mindset of contentment with a little

Say for a rainy day, you must budget, you must downgrade your life if needed, don't overspend, have a saving, have a little investment that would be over and above your income

And inshaAllah things will improve

You need to thank Allah and obey Allah

When you have thanked Allah Almighty and when you have obeyed Allah Almighty He grants you Baraka in your sustenance may Allah forgive us

Seek a lot of forgiveness because that will bring about goodness in your wealth

May Allah forgive all of us, we are sinful human beings but we try

And we will seek the forgiveness of Allah and He still gives us the Baraka and we are thankful for that

You show gratitude through prayer, you show gratitude through obedience, you show gratitude through saying, O Allah I'm grateful for what you've done for me

You know, people have health problems, we have COVID at the moment, we need to help each other, we need to be responsible

Sometimes and I know of families where there was a dispute as to who gave who the COVID, no, we should take precautions

And once the thing comes in, stop playing the blame game, that's okay, it's from Allah, it has happened

Prior to it happening make sure that you've taken your precautions, you've done your best, you talk about it and be considerate of others

Be considerate of other family members

You know, sometimes when I travel with a group of people I always tell myself, when you're traveling with a group you need to be very, very patient

Because you need to wait for the slowest coach, which means the last person and you need to make sure everyone is conscious of the other

Don't waste too much of time, try and consider everyone else, imagine if we are all considering each other, we'll have a beautiful holiday or a beautiful trip

But I've been on trips where you've got to wait for that one person who is irritating everybody else, someone like me develops the courage to go to them and say, my uncle, how were you?

Hope everything is fine, you know, if you speed up a little bit in inshallah it will help everybody else, that brings me to another point

There is a way of talking to people, you don't just blabber what you want, there is a way of speaking to people

So your family members also, don't scream, don't yell, don't swear, don't shout, don't abuse

Well, Allah, that's how it should be

See the difference it will make in your lives, stop all of that even if you've been doing it for years, stop it

Allah will grant you the blessings that you need, your family unit, have a mindset of the obedience of Allah

Have a mindset of saying clean, cut beautiful words, coulou, coulou, and saddida, that verse was read in most cases when the nikah was officiated, when the marriage was officiated

How come we stopped speaking saddid, how come we stopped speaking those straight words, beautiful kind words filled with love and goodness, we stopped it

And the reason why we stopped it is because we are no more conscious of what Allah has revealed

So we have family problems and we have so many other issues, don't allow that to come in

Speak good words, choose your words when you are talking to one another

So my brothers and sisters, in this way we would be able to resolve matters, sit and talk, try again, give and take

People say, I want to break this, don't just break things, first try and mend it because you might get into another situation that's worse than this one

Life is not easy out there, marriages are built on great sacrifice, great sacrifice

And you have your children, try your best to maintain that relationship because one of the biggest gifts you can give your children is to be able to get on with the other parent of the same children

As best as you can, they are exceptions, you are allowed to break a marriage when it becomes toxic and it's affecting your mental well-being and at a certain point

But not just for every small thing like what's happening nowadays, in fact you need to choose a spouse that will be good

Sometimes families are broken because of the choice of a spouse

And for this we need to give advice to both sides, the parents as well to say try and be a little bit more accommodating, be guiding from the very beginning

Not just coming into the lives of your children last minute and trying to dictate the pace, where were you all along?

And on the other side, the children, when you are choosing a spouse, make sure it's a person who your parents will be proud of

Make sure it's a person who can be the best parent, the other parent, to your children

The choice of a spouse shapes your future to a great degree by the will of Allah

Your choice of a spouse will make you or break you, factor

In most cases, I mean that's through Allah's permission

So my brothers and sisters, I really ask Allah Almighty to grant us the ability to have the correct mindset when it comes to the family unit so that we can solve family problems

And we get together, we should not tell the whole world about our problems

They should be within us, we should try and resolve them amongst us

And you don't have to talk about them to everyone else

Have a big heart, give and take, it's okay, I'd love to say, I'm sorry, when I'm not wrong

I'd love to say, it's okay, here's the money, when I know I don't owe it

And it's okay, this is my family, so what?

I'd love to say, let me be the first one to help, when I know there are others perhaps who might be more able than I am to assist

But it's okay, that's what family is all about

Charity definitely begins at home, Allah speaks about those who fulfill the rights of their family members and says those are the successful

And then Allah speaks of those who cut relations without reason and says those are the failures

Those are the ones who are being warned of a punishment

Because you cut something Allah asked you not to cut

Allah says don't cut relations if you're not supposed to cut contacts with a fellow believer for more than three days

What about your family members?

Obviously without reason, if there is valid reason it's okay, you can withdraw

And also one last point I want to raise before I end is

Sometimes we have functions like Eid and Happy Days and so on, family functions

It is not absolutely necessary that everyone attends but we should all try and attend

So if someone couldn't make it for some reason two, three guys couldn't make no problem, they couldn't make it is okay, oh we missed you

That's all, you don't have to make such a big deal about it

But at the same time everyone should be making an effort to try and attend, it's good for your children

They grow up knowing their cousins and everyone else, they grow up knowing their extended families

In fact, interest sometimes develops among some of them and you find one has suddenly found an interest in another

They want to get married, it's within the extended family unit, that's a blessed marriage

It's more blessed to have something closer to your understanding in marriage than to have someone far off in every single way

And you're going to come together, you're going to be dealing with so much because there is a dramatic change in the lives of everyone

You don't even speak each other's languages and your mindset is completely different, although Islam brings everyone closer

May Allah Almighty help us all and grant us goodness and may Allah Almighty forgive our shortcomings

These are a few words I thought of sharing with you on this beautiful occasion

I pray that next time we are speaking, it will be more of a physical tour of lectures and something that we were accustomed to prior to the COVID

And may Allah eradicate this disease for all of us

Mud, sand, snow, the track, different surfaces, same truth

Every ground is our proving ground, ready, set, forward

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