LET THE HEALING BEGIN WITH APOSTLES LEE & DR KIMBERLY THOMAS

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I'm trying to pray, but where are you?

I'm all church-town, heard and abused.

I can't pray, what's left to do.

Come truth is I'm weird.

No strength to fight.

No tears to cry.

Even if I tried.

But still my soul.

Refuses to die.

One touch will change my life.

Take me to the King.

I don't have much to breathe.

My heart's torn in pieces.

It's my offering.

Lay me at the throne.

Leave me there alone.

To gaze upon your glory.

And sing to you this song.

Means just isn't always perfect.

But healing is always possible.

Welcome to let the healing begin with your host Apostles Lee and Kimberly Thomas.

This podcast tackles real-life issues with raw truth and a powerful his and her perspective.

We talk marriage.

We talk sex.

We talk loss, love, and relational challenges.

Couples don't always say out loud.

If you're ready for honest dialogue, faith-filled insight,

and a practical wisdom that restores connection and strengthens your marriage,

you're in the right place.

Come journey with us as we let the healing begin.

Hey, good evening everyone and welcome.

Welcome to let the healing begin.

We are your host Apostles Lee and Kimberly Thomas.

And we are so glad that you have joined us tonight.

As we are here to endeavor to bring you real raw truth conversation about marriage

and the things that many married couples do not want to talk about.

So tonight we are going to journey on a real journey tonight to talk about a hot topic.

But we want to put this disclaimer out there.

We do not claim to have mastered this thing called marriage.

Nor do we have the monopoly on marriage.

But what we do have is a marriage.

We have time.

We have experience.

We have a mandate from God to share our experiences with others who are journeying on this thing called life in a marriage.

So tonight we are going to talk about the subject of you love each other,

but you cannot communicate.

So we came with a question tonight.

What if healing begins with one honest conversation that starts with if we could communicate.

If we would listen, if we put all our differences aside, what if healing begins with one conversation?

One honest conversation.

We have counsel many married couples.

And in those counseling sessions, we hear more than anything that we can't have a conversation

because the conversations always end up in an argument.

So when we hear these things, many times the woman's point of view is, you know, I'm trying to share my feelings.

I'm trying to share my ideas.

I'm trying to give my insight.

But I feel like he doesn't want to hear me or he doesn't care.

It's not that I'm a man's point of view that I don't want to hear.

I don't care.

It's that if we already been in heated fellowship and we're trying to clear the air if you will, you go your way.

I'm going my way.

I'm in here in my area without you watching TV and I got a program that I'm really getting into.

And in the midst of that program when it's really getting good and you hit me laughing and enjoying myself.

We need to talk.

We need to talk about what?

We don't need to talk not right now.

And that's part of it right there because you aggravated.

I'm not aggravated anymore.

I'm good at this point.

So now I'm not trying to hear what you trying to say.

And I know you really trying to tell me something because you know what?

I'm upset. That's the way the man see it.

So if I'm upset, you need to be upset.

And that's true.

Really?

That's true.

Because a lot of times when you really think about it, when you're aggravated and the other individual is not aggravated, you really can't comprehend that now.

We just, we were in heated fellowship and you have pushed all the right buttons and now I am really and truly aggravated.

So now I want you to be aggravated as well.

I don't want you to be calm.

You know, it's just like the saying misery loves company.

Yeah.

So if I'm mad, you need to still be mad too because we have not resolved this.

And many times what happens is a lot of times the reason for the heated fellowship in the beginning is the fact that truth has been spoken.

And it's offensive.

It's very offensive.

People don't like to hear the truth, especially if you're telling me something and I know it to be true.

I don't want to hear that from you at this moment.

I don't want you to tell me this.

Just be quiet.

Just don't say nothing.

Leave me alone.

And so that's where a lot of this comes in.

That's where a lot of it comes in because of the simple fact that here you are.

And we have tried to have this conversation.

Uh-huh.

And because of our feelings and our differences because one thing that I want us to understand as men and women in relationships and in marriages.

We hear differently.

We hear totally different.

I agree.

Because he may be saying to me, you know, I want to be the one, you know, I'm the head.

So let me run this like this, you know, or this is the way we're going to do this.

But because I have my own ideas.

I have my own identity.

I have my own feelings.

What I'm hearing you say is shut up and my voice does not matter.

So we hear very differently.

And that's where we have to understand as Mary couples.

We hear different men here different from women and women here different from men.

Because we hear something that the man may not have said.

But because of our feelings and you know when your feelings get involved, you get up and get to be a whole mess.

I heard you say on me to shut up and you didn't say shut up outright.

But basically you telling me you the man and we're going to run it this way.

And this is how it's going to be.

So basically what I just said to you, you just basically kicked it out the window.

And all I could hear was just shut up.

But see that's the thing.

On the other side of that stratosphere.

When the woman tells you I'm dead.

I'm through.

That's the same thing as shut up.

My feelings don't count at that point.

And what we have to do is find our happy medium.

And to be honest with you folks out there.

There's really no happy medium.

You just got to get really the paperback feelings and say it.

Just like it is.

Yeah.

Because here's the thing.

You cannot resolve anything when you don't want to have it resolved.

Because one, I really don't want to hear it.

You know, at the time of two coming at me.

And then it begins to be a tip for tech situation.

So you aggravated me.

And I know you.

So I'm waiting to the right time.

And I'm going to say to you.

I was trying to talk to you.

I ain't trying to hear it right now.

Yeah, but you're going here.

You know anything of it is.

We have little, many of your things that we allow to catch root and grow.

For the simple fact that.

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We didn't tell each other the truth from the beginning.

That's the whole thing.

We didn't tell each, you know, we were more into impressing one another.

Finding out what the other one liked.

And then giving into some things that you didn't want to give into because, you know,

I'm really feeling you and then over time, this is supposed to change.

But in the midst of all that, it was a whole lot because I was just trying to lock you down.

And now that you feel like you got me like now, all of what was happening is not happening no more.

And, you know, now we got that love hate thing going on.

You didn't do it so I ain't gonna do it.

And now we realize that we didn't got love too deep in this.

But then who gonna give in?

Right.

And, you know, in that, a lot of the heated fellowship and a lot of the arguments,

the reason why you cannot communicate without going to an argument is because of those hidden feelings,

those hurt feelings that you harbor, you know, that ill will, that you harbor,

you harbor all of these things.

And so now that the heated fellowship has gotten really intense,

and we start with, with trying to have a conversation,

but that one thing really just pokes the bear.

And when it pokes the bear, now the bear is angry.

And so now I'm gonna just unload with everything that I have harbor.

Sometimes what happens is when these arguments and these things begin to take place,

we do not resolve it.

As you said, I don't want to resolve it at this point because now, you know,

I'm gonna, I'm gonna tuck this away.

You know, this is gonna go in my reservoir.

So when the heated fellowship comes up again, this is gonna be my ammunition.

This is what I'm gonna unload on you.

And so we have to stop keeping score for one.

Okay, you said unload.

I like that.

So you got both barrels cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

And a result.

And a result too.

Okay.

Or extra clip.

A lot of times.

So you see women have an extra clip.

When the man said, okay, let me show you a subtle difference between the man and the woman.

We get an argument and we're not really feeling that.

So what does a man, what did he go to?

Let's cuddle and, you know, be romantic.

See, y'all see that face?

Y'all seeing that right now?

You seeing that, didn't you, right?

But this is the thing that worked before.

So why isn't it working now?

Right.

Because we have actually gone past that stage.

Because as you said before, it was a, it was a thing back then.

Oh, okay.

Back then, it was a thing to where here we are.

We have, you know, we, we've had a little heated fellowship.

And so yeah, it's called make up sex.

That's what, that's how men look at it.

Okay.

So the sex is supposed to make everything better.

It's supposed to just cast out all the arguments and all of that.

And so for a period of time, we may have went for that.

We may have been like, okay, well, yeah.

But I'm still mad.

I'm still harboring these feelings because this sex didn't resolve anything.

And so I, I, I'm to the point where I'm just going to put this in my reservoir.

Because I'm still going to wait because after the sex is over after you didn't, you know,

you didn't have your high moments and all of this stuff right here.

I'm still mad.

Okay.

And I still want to deal with this, but you don't want to deal with it because you said,

oh, that's over.

We, we just settled that.

We just settled that you know, we got up.

That was, that was a deal.

That's not how women look at it.

But okay.

In essence, if you allow this, the only way you don't let nothing get started is don't

let it get started.

So don't start off the relationship.

Okay.

It was good.

And then you took it and tucked it away.

That's, that's, that's, that's the first part of billing or planning.

A C.

True.

Now, when a man comes into a relationship and he says, no, I ain't having that.

We ain't doing this.

This is what it is.

And he being 100 with you.

You look and you digress a little bit, but you know, because I'm really feeling him.

Okay.

I'm good with that.

But not that I have him.

Now, I'm going to start bringing up some stuff that I really didn't like because he ain't

going to wait, but he need to know this.

And he looking at you like, where did this come from?

So, if you had not lied from the beginning, we wouldn't have had that because if you tell

the truth from the beginning, then I already know she ain't going to put it with that.

She don't like that.

And I don't like this.

And we don't like this because you know, here's where the man has a problem.

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You broke that.

And I, I say from that other relationship.

See, I'm not here.

Okay.

Okay.

So, that is a two sided coin.

Well, let's flip it in.

Flip it.

It's a two sided coin.

Because we both.

Bring things into a relationship.

Not thinking that what we had with somebody else previously is in the past.

That was a different individual.

So, it was different situations, different circumstances.

What one may have been willing to give up or to give in and to to basically compromise.

I may not be willing to do that.

And so, you can't come here and try to run this household like you ran the house.

That's not how it goes because I'm different.

And so, this is what we have to understand because we both do the same thing.

Men and women, we bring our old stuff into new relationships.

We try to build around the old stuff and it's contaminated.

So, you are building on contaminated soil.

You're building on contamination.

And a lot of times that contamination causes the decay in your relationship and your marriages

because of the simple fact that you never wanted to deal with the issue back then

so that you could heal and move on with someone else.

Okay. So, you said heal.

Okay. So, why is it that when you get together and me as a man,

because a lot of men that I've talked to said that I told her what I went through.

I told her what I like and what I dislike, what she did and what she didn't do.

And this is what I'm looking for because this is why it did not work.

Why is it that at that point, the female said, oh, we're going to do it like this.

Okay, because I already know this what it takes to lock that down and we good.

But see, why lock it down instead of just telling the truth?

Exactly. And that's the whole point because when the information is shared,

a lot of times it's shared between the sheets.

Number one, the man shares these things because it's a between the sheets

or let's get in between the sheet conversation.

Okay. Okay.

And so, I'm going to tell you everything that she didn't do because that's what I want you to do.

And I know if you dig in me like that, you're going to do what she didn't do because you're trying to lock.

And so in that sense, the man is getting just what he's asking for and probably more.

But then once the locking has taken place, now it's like, okay, well, I got it now.

You know what I don't have to do all that stuff anymore.

But that's because a lot of relationships is built on pretense.

It's not built on love.

It's not built on trying to build a relationship learning each other or trying to get to know each other.

It's built on that pillow talk between the sheets and all of that.

So you really don't have a foundation.

It's just a fly by night thing.

I'm trying to lock this down.

When I lock it down, I'm good because a lot of times men, they give the information

because they're looking for that results.

But what happens is you just gave the ammunition to be used to get you in the future.

And vice versa, when a woman does the same thing, there are many women out there that we have actually had conversations

where we have counsel, where we have tried to talk them through various stages and relationships and marriages.

And basically that's what it was.

They saw an opportunity.

This is a good man.

This is a hard working man.

Oh, and she, she act like she don't appreciate him.

So now I'm going to get close enough to where I can find out everything that I need to know to make it work in my advantage

because you know what?

This man made paper, baby.

He made paper.

So she don't know how to deal with it.

I can deal with that.

I can deal with it.

Oh, she don't want to cook.

Oh, I'm going to start off cooking every day.

And then when you lock it down, cook what?

You better go get a sandwich.

What's your main cook?

So how you in the midst of all the talking about what you be good, then you wonder why the man goes somewhere else.

See, here's the thing.

Me and women can look at a man.

I'm a man.

I can look at a woman and a walk tells me a whole lot about that situation.

Why ain't that going on over there?

And a woman can look at a man and tattoo from his actions because when a man is being satisfied, I see you.

But I ain't saw you because that's not with my mind.

See, but whenever I'm not being taken care of.

In any matter, every time you look in your mind, you thinking.

From the way she looked and the way she carried herself.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

I see how him and her interact.

And that's what I why can't I had that?

You see.

And then when we get together to find out about what's going on with us, nobody's trying to give in.

Because you know what?

I won't you to hear me, but you not hear me.

You heard me, but you didn't hear me.

And we're not talking.

We're talking at each other.

And then it gets worse and heated.

Then we start hitting below the belt about this dad in the third.

And then it asks us.

When the relationship is dissolved, you broken, you heard, you being battered in your bruise.

And you looking like, why did they do me like that?

But it's how you started it off.

If you tell the truth, see, if we get past this retardedness back, I like to call it.

I lost and I did this and that.

See, we're past the pillow talk.

No, we're going to get this here off real.

We're going to get, okay, because the physical don't come.

Because I always look at it in a certain way.

There's a few things you can get in relationships.

You can get all mine and nobody.

Get all behind and no mind.

But in some cases, you get both.

And if you being a man most of the time, you mess it up.

Because this is just too good to be true.

But if you were lucky enough or blessed enough to get it back, then you try to make sure it's right.

But then there's a trust issue again.

So, therefore, let's talk about it first.

Let's get a conversation going on.

Stop looking to the left.

Let's talk about each other.

What's really happening?

You know, tell the truth and be true to thyself.

Then you can be true to this next individual that you will.

Because this is locked and trying to get right.

It ain't going to get right.

Because if you start off telling like you ain't going to never tell the whole truth.

And that's true.

And so that's where the actual point of we love each other.

But we can't communicate because we cannot have that one honest conversation.

Which should have been the first conversation that ever took place.

Because anytime you started off with a lot, you got to keep trying to keep that lot up.

Because if not then, we're looking at the fact that, you know, you, you came in this deceptive.

You came in this knowing that this is, this was your intention.

This is what you wanted to do.

This was your desire.

And now here we are at this point in the relationship.

We didn't have to eat it fellowship.

Now I've laid it all out here.

All the things that are harbored, all the unresolved hurt, all the harbored wounds and all of these things that I have kept in my reservoir.

Now it begins to become a problem because now everything that you do is on my nerves.

Because you've allowed your receptacle to get full of ammunition instead of filling up with love, truth, honesty and oneness.

See, we say that, but how you live, how are you living it?

Because here's the thing.

Nine times under 10 and most relationships.

Either he loves her more than she loves him and vice versa.

It's very rare that I love you that much.

And I love you as much as you love me.

You know, I don't know this to be a true fact, but I always believe that opposites attract.

You know, I'm not scared.

You like scared.

You know, I like what I said you like, but you see and we good, but we both looking at, we both the same color.

We both got it.

Okay, how can I really, really be into you like that right now?

For real, I see me.

You know, if one of us got to be that, you know, when I'm looking like, yeah, okay.

And then you should be, yeah, okay.

And it's not that because I'm not getting that same vibe.

You know, but you got to have that resolve the way, you know what?

I'ma be 100 with you.

I'm going to make this, this is what it is.

But don't look at me because you know I 100 and you've been through this.

So you know what?

I don't trust you.

So I ain't going to let everything go.

I'm not going to be vulnerable.

You know, I don't scare them from all one to 10.

You might get six and a half.

But I'ma act like you got that team though.

Wow.

Okay, y'all.

We going to tap into that when we come back.

We're going to a commercial break, y'all.

Stay tuned because we're going to tap into this vulnerability thing and this holding back in relationships.

So y'all are the same type for a few minutes and we'll be right back.

Here in this place, we humble about our hearts away.

Speak to us now.

There is no time here.

Only your presence.

Speak to us now.

Here in this place, we humble about our hearts away.

Speak to us now.

There is no time here.

Only your presence.

Speak to us now.

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All right.

We're back.

Talking about that thing that Apostle just said about being vulnerable.

He mentioned the fact that sometimes we come into the relationship being 100.

But the other individual that we're in the relationship with, they're not totally 100 with us.

But they pretend.

There you go.

They pretend to be 100.

And you gave a scale.

You said of a 10.

It may be a 6.

And so this is what we have to understand.

Because our question tonight was what if your healing comes from one honest conversation that one honest conversation can be sitting down and having what is a hard conversation of honesty and saying what it really is because a lot of times people they hook up for convenience.

They don't hook up for love anymore.

They hook up for convenience because I'm looking for someone to take care of me.

I'm looking for someone that is going to do what I say because I've been in a relationship.

And I was hurt.

I was abused.

I was this.

I was that.

But in the end, now that I know that you really feeling me and you really digging me.

I got one.

So now the tables are turned.

And I see this a lot in women.

And it's a shame.

And I'm just going to say it.

It's a shame because women are acting more like men in relationships as when I say the one who you know how a man be like, OK, yeah, I know.

I know she crazy about me or whatever.

So you know, I'm going, I'm going to hit it and quit it.

And I'm going to have her chasing me like somebody that's crazy with a flashlight in the daytime.

You have women that do the same thing.

They get into relationships with people and they realize that these people really feeling them.

They really feeling them, but you're not feeling them like you pretend them to be feeling them.

They're giving you 100, but you're not giving 100 because all of you, all you're really trying to do is get your needs, man.

But the honesty in the conversation is if you would ever tell the truth because basically when he is not able to provide those needs or meet those needs for you.

You're going to move on to the next thing to the next man and still maybe be in this marriage or in this relationship to go get those needs, man.

And then you're going to start ghosting him.

That's exactly right.

And then here's the thing.

The same way that you ghost in the man that you know.

Feeling you.

Going to do whatever it takes to try to keep you to the best of their ability.

You going to be a child boy hanging out chilling because you know, he looks so good.

He smells so nice.

He rhymes so this and the third still staying with mama.

But then whenever the shine is gone, you want to come back here to old boy.

And you want him to be that same one honey with you and something.

Nine times I tell you because he felt you like that.

He is, but he go come back.

But then every nine days.

It flipped because you know what?

He went through something.

And he understands now.

I'm going to tolerate.

Until I dominate.

Now you feel like, oh, you did this.

You did.

But what was you doing?

What did you?

How did you come in this relationship?

Then the truth could be coming out.

Then it's like you being hit below the belt.

But in essence, you can't be mad at the man when you started.

If you don't like it, you just don't like it.

Exactly.

And you know, I was thinking that because.

The thing is that you have to learn how to have the real heart.

Thanks.

The real heart conversation.

And so we can laugh about this now because when I was being pursued or stalked

or whatever you was doing, I did not like him.

I did not.

I did not like him.

I didn't like him.

Ryan walk and talking.

Nothing.

I did not like him.

I would avoid him at all costs.

I would see him coming to my job.

And I was the manager of the store.

And sometimes I would be stuck working by myself because people call me in or whatever.

And I would forget that I'm the only person in there.

And I'll go to the cooler, just to keep from being bothered with him.

And then he would laugh and say, well, you know, you got to come help me.

And I'd be like, God, Lee.

You know, why?

Why this gold dirty man won't just leave me alone.

And that's the thing because, you know, there came a point in time when we really started sitting down

and just really talking to each other because he was saying when he saw me,

the first thing that came to his mind is this is going to be my wife.

And he even said that and I'm like, what happened?

Uh-uh.

You dirty.

Uh-uh, no.

And not that he was dirty in a nasty way.

He was dirty because he was a working man.

And I'm looking like, this man come in looking like a dirt dab of every time he come in this store.

And he'd be trying to all let me serve.

I don't want to go on now because I think every time.

And I would ask so kind of some kind of way every single time I would see him.

But the thing about it is he knew in his mind that I was his wife.

And he told me that from the beginning, you know, do you know what you're looking at?

You're looking at your husband and I'm like, whatever.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

You own some other stuff that I'm not on.

You need to get on.

You know.

And but when we really got together, started having conversations about stuff like that.

You know, I had to really be honest because it was like, you really didn't like me.

Did you?

No.

No, I didn't.

Then he was like, well, when did you start loving me?

You know, and I would be crazy to say, oh, well, from the beginning, the devil is alive.

You just told one, no, you know, you did not love that person from the beginning.

And so that's where we have to understand we got to stop lying.

Because that's what's really tearing down a lot of our marriages and our relationships because we lie.

I don't want to just tell the honest brutal truth.

Everybody that got together, both parties were not totally 100% in love with the other person when they got together.

Some of us, y'all, us, us, y'all, we were on the rebound.

And some of us was looking for somebody to feel a boy.

And a lot of it also is lust.

That lust of the eye.

Yeah, put that fire out.

But in the midst of that, the part she having to miss y'all was simply this right here.

I said to her and I'll tell you what.

If I come here and you don't know who I am because you know, I clean up really well.

Go out with me and we have a conversation.

And I told her the whole truth.

And you see, that was the key right there.

Just telling the truth.

Because sometimes you can look at the outward appearance and think like that ain't it.

And you be a rector whole world.

That's a two way street.

You know, because I was, I mean, honestly, if you were to talk about a man.

And if I see them on their did the work that I do, I would have felt the same way.

Oh my god.

No, you know, but I work in dirt.

I was on the groundwork.

I get that I was deep getting that money.

But I clean up well, you know, you can always watch the dirt off.

But if you coming to it.

100.

You know, have a conversation, a real conversation with an individual.

Then you can know who you talking to because I can look like a donkey.

But whenever you talk to me, wow, you got a conversation.

You got something going on your brain works.

You know, but the key to it, like I tell it, just telling the truth.

Exactly.

I've been approached a lot of times.

How do you know all these different ladies and these different women?

I said, because a woman, I said, I asked them one couple of questions and one of them is this.

I say, are you a woman or are you a lady?

And I said, just like that.

Oh, I'm a lady.

I said, that's what I thought.

And I walk away.

And they say, well, I said I was a lady.

I said, yeah, but God made a woman.

And that's what a man want.

And a real woman wants what?

A real man.

And until you learn to be one of those two things that God made, you still plan with yourself.

See, we don't want something that man made.

Oh, that's lady this and that's lady that.

No, no.

That woman over there, that's my woman.

That's my man.

You understand?

You know, I hear a lot of people say, oh, first lady.

This is first lady there.

I said, yeah, but do God history for my studies?

It's only one first.

It's only ever been one first.

And her name was E.

And after that, it was second, third, fourth, fifth, and also on and so forth.

So stop allowing the world to dictate to you what you think it should be.

Talk to her.

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Let her talk to you.

Be true to herself and to herself be true.

Then you can be true to somebody else.

Because you know what?

She can look good as I don't like doing so fine.

Everything smells so good to make your whole haystack growing again.

But then you could get a whole noof.

Because of what your eyes see.

Because you know we all can put on a facade.

But when we get down to the real nitty-gritty,

after all the highlights and sparkles is gone, I do this right here.

Oh my gosh.

What the hell is that you?

You know, when the mask comes out.

When the mask comes out.

And you know, the thing is,

we have and we wear so many different masks

that many of us don't even know our own true identity.

We are basically living a lot.

We have masks that we started putting on as children.

And as we progress in life, we continue to add to those masks.

So we have a mask for every occasion.

We have a mask for our families.

We have a mask for our jobs.

We have a mask for the public.

We have a mask for ministry.

We have all these different masks that we wear.

And so when you really and truly allow the healing to begin,

that means that you got to take these masks off.

You got to take them off.

You know, that's like the pretense of,

I make you think that my face is flawless.

I don't have any blemishes or anything

because I have makeup on and my makeup is flawless

and I have this beautiful skin.

But me and one day,

you happen to see me or catch me

without my makeup on and I have,

my skin is not what it has appeared all this time.

And so you're looking like,

where the devil did you come from?

What is this?

Because you have made this image.

You have this facade.

And I fell in love with the facade.

I fell in love with the mask.

Not the medicine.

And so this is what we have to understand

when you can just be real.

And be real with yourself.

And having the hard conversations,

having that one honest conversation that starts healing,

it's not always good.

It's not pretty at all.

It's not because when the truth comes out,

a lot of times,

we don't want to hear the truth.

But you know what?

You have to sit.

And you have to be grown enough.

That's it.

To allow your partner to tell the truth.

The whole truth.

Whether the truth hurts you or whatever.

Not interrupted, not just constantly.

Everything that they say,

you got to rebuttal for it or you have a word for it.

It was one thing that our son used to do.

He would call his own family meeting.

Can we have a family meeting?

And so I'm like,

okay, let's have a family meeting.

So what he would do is he has a list.

And he comes with all his list of issues.

And so he wants to lay out his issues.

And the thing is,

this is what we do as adults as well.

Because every issue that he had,

he assumed that he knew what I was going to say.

So he presents his issue.

And then he sits back because he's waiting for my reply

or my rebuttal because it's like,

I'm going to say this.

And then you're going to say that.

And so that's how we operate in our marriages sometimes.

We assume that we know what our partner is going to say.

So when I say this,

they're going to come back with that.

And then when they come back with that,

then I'm going to come back with this.

But sometimes you throw them a whole curveball

because you allow them to go through their list.

You don't say a word.

And then they are dumbfounded

because now they're like,

well, you ain't going to say nothing?

No, I'm going to allow you to finish.

I'm going to allow you to speak.

Because I want you to speak your truth.

I do not want to obscure your point of view.

I don't want to interject anything

because when I can sit quietly,

first of all,

your mind don't know what's going to take place next

because you are so mean.

You're so accustomed to

you having one word and I have five

before you can get the next one in.

But no,

a true honest conversation means

that I'm going to sit back

and I'm going to listen.

So you have a monologue,

not a dialogue.

Until it's my turn to speak.

I'm going to listen

because that's the thing that we lose.

And that's one reason why we have

the heated fellowships in the arguments

and that we cannot talk

because we can't communicate.

So we can't heal.

It's because of the simple fact

that we always want to interject.

And so nothing ever gets accomplished

because you say one thing

and I'm going to interject my point.

And then it becomes an argument

because you were talking

and I was not listening.

I want to talk too.

And so now we're not talking

to each other.

We're talking at each other.

And then that becomes a whole

other issue because now my point

is more important than what you were talking about.

And a lot of times the individual

that started the conversation

that really wanted to have the conversation

and get to the truth,

they just shut down and be like,

okay, I'm done.

I'm done because of the simple fact

that I see now we cannot have a conversation.

Because of what's being said.

The Bible tells us study

to be quiet.

That means listen.

And every conversation doesn't deserve a rebuttal.

But if you really want to get to the meat

or the heart of the matter,

you got to listen.

And here's the thing.

Before you get into the conversation

the way we're going to talk.

And you're okay.

You say what you got to say.

Don't look all crazy like,

oh, I'm just waiting.

And I'm going to say what you got to say.

No.

Become.

Keep a straight face.

And be open minded

and grown enough to listen.

Listen to everything they have to say.

And if you can't think of it,

do out the week.

Write this down.

Write that down.

So when our conversation

comes, okay,

I'm going to sit here and I'm going to be quiet.

I'm not going to get mad

because one thing about it,

you tell it your true.

Exactly.

Okay, cool.

And I'm going to listen to everything you say.

I'm not going to take it to heart.

But I'm going to listen.

But at the same time,

now remember,

I got a rebuttal for that now.

And it's not going to be a rebuttal

to come back what you say.

But I'm going to say,

what's on my mind?

What's on my heart?

And then we can address

what you've said about this

and what I said about that.

And love each other enough

to realize that you know what,

we're grown and we're different

and we're not the people we used to be.

Exactly.

I used to look like this

and I used to like that.

But I don't like that no more.

And I need to know that you're the same way.

So if we don't know how to communicate

or have a conversation

and not willing to listen,

then you can't heal.

The healing begins

when we begin to look at each other

and truly talk.

People say,

the same thing it took to get them

with the same thing it took to keep them.

That's the biggest lie.

Because it's not.

Because you lied to get them.

But now you're trying to lie to keep them.

But if you tell the truth,

then that'll do it.

And things change.

You don't believe me?

Look at the clothes

that you used to wear

when you first got together

as opposed to what you wear now.

That's true.

And the thing is,

we can't assume that we know

what our partner is going to say.

Exactly.

You cannot put words in their mouth

because what you may be feeling

that they should be feeling

about a certain situation

or something that you did,

they may feel totally opposite.

So you can't just assume,

well, you know,

it was just this one little thing.

So why are you so mad about that?

Because it's their feelings

and it's how they feel

about what you did or what you said.

And so that's why

it's really important to listen.

And so you,

it's not a thing

because a lot of times

when we get into heated fellowship

the first thing that,

you know,

we say it's like,

are you listening to me?

And our response is,

I hear you.

I hear you.

I hear you.

You didn't say that you were listening.

You said you hear me.

So you know what?

You can be sitting in the room right now.

And we're on,

and you hear us.

But you have other background noise

that you really listening to.

In other words,

do you hurt us?

But you didn't hear us.

Exactly.

We have to become active listeners.

That means that you have to listen

to every word that is being spoken

without interjecting,

without putting your point in there,

without trying to curve the conversation

or take the conversation

in another direction.

When we really want to heal,

we will sit,

we will have that one honest conversation.

We will actively listen

to our partners so that we know

how to help ourselves

and stop always praying

and asking God to change them.

As God can change you.

Because we have a tendency of that.

No, I changed them,

changed them, changed them.

No, you need to be changed.

When you change,

then they will change.

But change starts with you.

And if you always feel that

you don't have a problem,

everybody else has the problem.

You're in a bad situation.

You need to be changed.

And so we really,

tonight we really wanted to tap into this.

And we actually may continue this conversation

later because of the simple fact

is so much that we can talk about

because we love each other,

but we can't communicate.

And the reason why we can't communicate

is because we will not sit down

and have that one honest conversation

and begin the healing process.

Truly because we don't know how to talk

to one another.

We talk at each other.

And actually we are free to say

the whole truth.

You know, you will say this

and the whole truth that they called it.

But you know, I was

over 30-something years ago,

somebody told me,

and I happen to marry them.

I don't take hints.

You want something from me?

Say it.

Ask me.

I don't know what you're talking about,

because I could guess the wrong thing.

That's true.

So if you've grown,

just say what it is.

Now, I understand,

realize and know,

yeah, you got feelings just like they do.

Ask the right questions.

You go and say,

what I'm going to get this for her or him.

And they get,

oh, thank you.

But that's not what they heart wanted.

And you know it,

I took my time to do this

and you didn't even want that.

Well, they do actually

ask me what I want.

Now, if you couldn't afford to get it,

that's cool.

But at least you asked.

So then you won't be feeling

some type of way,

because you can't get mad at a person

whenever you didn't get them what they wanted.

Because you know,

that's what you wanted for me.

Right.

Not what I wanted for me.

I went through that too.

And I'm like,

well, wait a minute.

And then the question,

I didn't ask for that.

Right.

No, you right.

I wanted that for you.

But you know what?

From now on,

if you don't get nothing,

it's not because I wouldn't get it

because you didn't tell me what you want.

You see,

we have to learn to communicate.

Yeah.

You know,

I might like stakes

and you like points out.

I like chicken.

I like the club club.

And you,

I haven't had enough club club.

I don't want club club club.

Right.

So the healing can begin.

Yeah.

And communication is key.

In any relationship,

whether it's a marriage,

relationship, business,

partnership,

communication is key.

So remember,

marriage is not perfect.

But healing is always available.

And so we're going to bid you good night.

And we thank you for joining us

for letting the healing begin.

We will see you back here

on the first Sunday

for another episode

of Let the Healing Begin.

Have a awesome night.

You're listening to the sound.

Marriage isn't always perfect.

But healing is always possible.

Welcome to Let the Healing Begin.

Hey,

it's Bubba Wallace from 2311 Racing.

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