Living Fully In An Impermanent World - Jomon Martin, Zen Teacher

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All right, well, welcome to February, which kind of seems unbelievable, doesn't it? Maybe. I mean,

time is a mysterious thing. But yesterday, punk Satani Phil saw his shadow, so six more weeks of winter.

There was a radio station. I was driving around and there was a radio station that was playing

Sunny and Cher. I've got you, babe, like continuously all day. It would end that song and then

start again. And if you haven't seen the movie Groundhog Day, it's a very Buddhist movie, actually.

So it's one of my favorite ones. But six more weeks of winter, I kind of hope so. I kind of hope

we do get some snow. It's not hard to look at these weather patterns and wonder what's in store

for the summer. I know that wildland firefighters are starting to talk about this, the wildfire season,

which now these days are much longer and more intense than they have been in the past.

And at Great Vow, I wasn't here last week because we were doing, or was it two weeks ago now?

Yeah, two weeks ago now. A retreat with wildland firefighters at Great Vow.

And that was started by another Zen monastery, Tassajaras and monastery, part of the San Francisco Zen

Center. And that monastery exists in deep in the Los Padres National Forest in California, just

inland from Big Sur in that area. My California geography is really terrible, but so I kind of

don't really know what I'm talking about. But it is a place that burns and is supposed to burn,

but now there's people and buildings. And so that place has been rescued by firefighters,

wildland firefighters several times. And so they wanted to offer something back. And they also had

a few wildland firefighters who were practicing there at Tassajara, who became Zen practitioners.

And there were a couple of people who had been residents for years in the 80s at Tassajara,

who started offering retreats for veterans. And so they were consulted and asked,

you know, hey, can you consult with us to create a retreat for firefighters? And then finally,

the San Francisco Zen Center was like, will you just do it? Will you just conduct this retreat?

And I had been joining that team in working with veterans for a little while.

And so I got invited to be part of the wildland firefighter retreats at Tassajara. And in the

planning of it, which we consulted and really worked very closely delivering what the firefighters

told us they needed. And learning from the beginning, what wildland firefighter culture is and

what is what their lives are like. And I've come to see just, you know, have have a lot of

appreciation for wildland firefighters just from getting to know them. And they do have a front

row seat to these changes in climate. And their job is extremely dangerous. They hauled these 40

pound packs through very rugged terrain to get to a spot. And then that's where they then pull out

a tool. It's kind of like a hoe. And they dig these fire lines to stop the, you know, remove the

fuel and try to try to and then maybe do burn away some of the material on the other side.

Set these backfires. Some of them jump out of helicopters to do this. That's impressive.

They sometimes call their job extremely landscaping.

Because they can also, you know, there's a lot of like,

chainsaw work too that some of them carry their chainsaw in. They're very self deprecating. They do

not like being called heroes. Don't, don't, don't call them heroes. They don't like that.

But they do need to be very physically fit. Their days can be very long. They might

probably be sleeping on the ground the whole time. They're on a fire.

And there may not be much time to acknowledge the losses that are inherent in the work.

There's a lot of family disruption to be gone for the summer or, you know, the months on either

side of the summer anymore. Not a lot of time to connect with friends that aren't on your crew.

And of course, most of them, many of them, if not most, have lost friends and colleagues

directly or indirectly to fire. And there is just little time to grieve. There's little space

for that. Although that's changing. There's a lot of people who really want to change the culture.

So we offer this retreat at Great Vow. We started that last year in January. This was the

second one. And it's not so much a Zen retreat, but it's a retreat embedded in the monastic container.

So there's this sort of circle within the circle that the residents and the Zen monastery kind of

holds this retreat within. And we share many of the tools of mindfulness and meditation. And

that includes moving meditation. They do a half a day work day, which is kind of their comfort zone.

We kind of have them be doing all this grief work and feelings. And it's hard.

And then, you know, one of the days, it's like, okay, now we're going to go take the chainsaws

and, you know, create a staircase on the trails and the woods. And they're like, yes,

get me out there. I want to do that. So very wholehearted, please, you know, whenever you stop

by the monastery, if you go out into the forest, some pretty impressive stairs made of railroad

ties on one of the trails. They also did some needed chainsaw work out there helping us keep the

forest healthy. And so here they are. And they're just deeply embedded in the life and death of

what we call, and you know, the life and death that is what we call nature or the natural world,

that life and death is always happening in the natural world. And they're sometimes personally

on the edge of life and death. Although we all are really when we let ourselves realize that,

we all are. And they have something to learn from Zen, just as we have something to learn from

them. And there's a natural affinity with this group that is so wholehearted and just 100%

in their activity. That's really what we're training to do in our practice, just to be wholehearted

and not hold back, save from later, because they're, you know, it's always just right now. And

this heart of service, which is very similar to other groups, very similar to veterans who are

trained to move as one body, very similar to healthcare workers, you know, who really have

this same heart of service, this dedication and willingness to be of use.

So it's inspiring. And so I thought we could focus on death and impermanence as a theme this

month. And it seems like that would be a downer. It seems sometimes like, oh, that's so depressing

or sad or something. But I've found that, especially just in Zen practice and in the opportunities

I've had through practice to really stop and turn toward and look at death. And probably all of

us in here have had that opportunity. And we may or may not have felt ready for it or

with loved ones or in other situations, some of us more than others.

When we are really allowing ourselves to turn toward this simple fact of life,

this reality here, it can be quite freeing. I find it can also be even

in liveening. So it also is a theme of this upcoming Sashin at the monastery in a couple of

weeks. It's called Pari Nirvana Sashin. And so the month of February at the monastery in

Klatskini and at Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple in Portland, this tends to be our theme, our focus.

This death and impermanence in the month of February quite often. Sometimes, so Pari Nirvana is

refers to the physical death of someone who has attained enlightenment or Nirvana.

So it is typically observed the time of the Buddha's death, typically observed around February

in February. And so we have the Pari Nirvana Sashin. Where we really do get to focus on this,

we really do get to stop and look at it. Because often we're just running in the other direction or

I like to say living in our bubble of denial. I myself included. So it's nice to

just stop and look at this for a moment. So the Pari Nirvana of the historical Buddha,

Shakyamuni Buddha, is observed in February in many Buddhist traditions. And for some,

it's an opportunity to just reflect on our own inevitable death to acknowledge also the grief

or losses that we ourselves have sustained and to see the truth of impermanence. That this is

just a law just like gravity. Not really different from that, just as impersonal. But when we can align

ourselves, you know, if we're not aligned with the truth of gravity, you know, we could put on a

cape and jump off a roof, it's not going to end well. It doesn't work. Just because you don't

agree with it. And impermanence is like that too. We can align with it and things go a little

more smoothly, don't they? So I noticed myself, this bubble of denial that is pesky,

that keeps reconstituting itself, that I, you know, get up in the morning and I look at my

daily planner or if I'm driving somewhere, you know, I assume I'm going to do these things today

and then there's no question about it. I assume I'm going to actually arrive at my destination.

This, you know, oh yes, I'm, you know, let me type it into the phone and yes, I'm going to,

I'm going to get there. I'm going to live to see this task through and that is not a given,

is it? Really? We never know. And yeah, we, we might acknowledge in our mind, like yes, yes,

yes, everything's changing. But more often than not, we, we kind of move, I certainly do in this

world as a solid person in the world of change. Like here I am, this little jelly bean and a bubble

and everything, you know, is changing around me but I'm right here, solid or I'm moving through

this changing world. But it's, everything is flowing into and out of each other all the time.

And not just that, not just kind of how we as individuals tend to grip onto these ideas of

solidity or assumptions about how it is and how it's going to be. But our society, our culture

set up in opposition to the realities of old age sickness and death and loss. These things are

often hidden away, secret or shameful. We just don't talk about them. And unless you're a health

care worker, you might not see it very much. And sometimes health care workers see more than their

share of this. So that can be an interesting exploration is what is my direct experience with

old age sickness and death? What, what have I learned from family or culture or my own experience

about these things? And with practice, we can learn how to utilize our practice to turn towards

the truth of our experience, to really inhabit the truth of this life and the parts that are

painful, the parts that are difficult are the losses, the observing of suffering or experiencing

pain. Why would we do this? Why would we focus on death or our own death?

And death has a way of clarifying things.

And what's really important when we realize we don't actually know how much time we really have.

Or if we know someone who has suddenly received the news that they don't have much time, how does that

change? How does that change everything? And so, I mean, just trying on as a thought experiment

is very powerful. What if this is our last time in this endow? What if we knew somehow that this

was our last time? How would that change our experience of it? It would just be this wistful, it's this

oh, this is lovely, it's just so lovely to be in here together with all of you. Let's appreciate

this right now. And nothing's changed, it's just that possibility that we let in, that's always

here, it's always present and we see it actually more clearly as a result. This is a beautiful moment

that we might have missed otherwise. We don't know, this is the last time we'll hear the bell.

When we practice this way, we stop taking things for granted a little bit, which is nice.

We can maybe begin to value our life for the time that we have, each moment that we have

to appreciate our life, appreciate our life, which is, you know, what, what Myzumi Rochi always

encouraged. Reflecting on death can be a very powerful means of appreciating our life.

But as well, it's not just a means, but it's also the end and of itself to see the truth

of how things are right now that this is not forever. Everything is just

falling away. There's nothing really to hold on to.

And I, you know, I say this to remind myself just as much as anything.

It's easy to forget.

So when we show up to practice, maybe also it's to turn towards the tenderness

of a human life, the tenderness, which is not easy to allow either. It can be excruciating sometimes,

having an open heart, the emotional capacity or tenderness towards ourselves, towards others.

And it's inevitable that we'll lose things. Everything really, belongings, our physical abilities,

status, jobs, relationships, pets, people.

The monastic life, the life of renunciation is really about just kind of practicing

for that inevitability where you actually just let it go in advance and just kind of get used to it.

One of our members, I don't think she's on tonight, but she recently had a stroke, a pretty

severe one and has been in some rehab facilities and got placed into another spot here recently.

And I was just talking to Kodo today who went over there and was helping her and she didn't have,

she said, there's not much more room than in the dorms in the monastery where you go and do a

retreat. If you haven't been there, it's like curtains and there's maybe a curtain between

your bed and dresser and the other person. That's kind of her situation.

And so it made me think, wow, the monastics are already ready for that. If they encounter a

situation like that, it'll be kind of like, well, this already. I know I can be, well, I know

that I actually don't need all that much. But one way or another, we're going to lose all the things.

So I just want to share a little bit about a wonderful book that I like about death and

impermanence by Frank Osticewski. He's one of the founders of the Zen hospice project

through the San Francisco Zen Center. And he's someone who has helped thousands of people

in the process of dying and thousands of people grieving loss. And he says that death is messy,

but grief is even messier. And it's amazing too. Grief can look like anything. Not just sadness or

anger or self-judgment, but also, you know, there can be regret, guilt, loneliness, there can also be

relief, blame, shame, numbness, awe, wonder. Relationships are complicated and grief can be

just as complicated. So Frank Osticewski has identified, he calls them five invitations,

five discoveries that, five invitations from people going through the process of dying,

things that he's learned from the Zen hospice project. And I'll just list them now. Number one,

don't wait. Number two, welcome everything, push away nothing. Number three, bring your whole

self to the experience. Number four, find a place in, I'm sorry, find a place of rest in the middle

of things. And number five, cultivate, don't know mind. Those are some very powerful invitations,

powerful teachings, each one in and of themselves. So I might open up one of these each week,

this month, or some combination of them. It's going to be the focus for the most part.

And what he means by don't wait, don't wait to align with this moment, don't wait to appreciate

the impermanence of this life and allow that to inform what your next action will be.

Allow the wisdom of impermanence and mortality to bring life to this life.

There's a story that John Kabat-Zinn, who's the originator of mindfulness-based stress reduction

and the early founder of basically secular mindfulness. So he's been interviewed dozens,

millions of times about this. And in one interview in the early days of mindfulness, which was,

you know, wow, what is this? A reporter said, oh, so he's describing mindfulness and the reporter

says, oh, so it's like live for the moment. And he says, no, not quite, not quite live for the moment.

That has kind of an indulgent feeling. It really is just live in the moment, live in the moment,

which is the only place wherever truly alive. That it's not just to throw your cares to the wind

or whatever, but just to be alive, to be fully alive, even if you're dying. Because we are,

we actually are, all on our way.

When we do the Parnavana Sashin, there are often some visualizations of death or

you know, just kind of imagining into what that might be like. And there was one meditation

that we did, or it occurred to me, I think, in the course of the retreat. It might have been

just an ordinary sitting period in one of the days where I sort of looked around and was like,

oh my gosh, it's like this whole room is a hospice. Everybody in here is dying. And then a few

beats later, I was like, wait a minute, I'm in the hospice too. You dummy, you're also in the hospice.

But if we really, everyone we saw, if we knew they were dying, how would we treat them?

How would we treat them? How would we want to support them? And what if you two were in the hospice,

which we all are in the hospice?

So that's a practice that you can do this week. Also, it's one of Chosen Rochis'

informal practices from her book How to Train a Wild Elephant 52. Maybe I think there's actually

53 practices that you can do just in your daily life. You don't need to be sitting on a cushion.

And one of them is called, this person could die tonight. This person could die tonight.

And it really is just maybe you kind of just pick one person to interact with or just allow

that thought to settle into your experience. How does that change the interaction? How does that

impact how you are with that person? This person could die tonight. So I encourage you to take up

that practice maybe this week. And then she offers this other practice of impermanence,

which I'd like to practice with you right now. So go ahead and find your way into a comfortable

spot. No need to shift too much, but just you know, we've been sitting for a minute. We'll just

kind of settle into something here. A little meditation. Just notice what it is your body is asking for

reconnect to the physical sensations of being present, being supported by what it is you're seated on.

And as we sit here, I'm just taking a moment to notice impermanence and change. What is it?

That is changing right now. What is it that's arising existing and ending?

What are the elements that let you know that things are changing, that things are impermanent?

What else is impermanent? What else can you find?

And now see if you can maybe fight against it. Try to struggle against it or stop it. Whatever it was,

or one of the things maybe that you noticed, see if you can try to stop it right now.

What's that like?

Notice what that effort or struggle feels like. What's it made of?

And now just returning to again that open awareness of noticing the flow of impermanence everywhere.

Where do you notice it just happening?

And how is it to not struggle against that?

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