Long Elegant Stride (with J.P. McDade)

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Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boys.

Hey everybody, welcome back to the beautiful boys.

I'm Andy Haines and I'm joined by Michael Shane Cannon.

And today we have a fantastic guest in one very tall and injured JP McDade.

I know he's got a little broken wing.

I felt for him, but man, what a game.

He showed up hurt.

He played through.

He delivered a god damn it.

That's an athlete there.

Where are you going to be Mike?

Oh, buddy.

Mike Cannon Comedy.com for all my dates.

Punchup.live slash Mike Cannon.

I'm going to be in Baton Rouge.

March 12th.

Baton Rouge at the rally cap brewing.

Come out to that March 13th.

Lafayette Louisiana Club 337.

I've heard nothing but incredible things and I'm genuinely excited for that.

Then on Sunday March 15th, I'm going to be at the Howland Wolf in New Orleans.

The last city I ever drank in.

Who knows what could happen.

The kid could be back.

And then April 10th and 11th.

I'll be in Tampa at Side Splitters.

More dates coming in for the once in a lifetime tour with Michael Shane Cannon.

Andrew.

Hey, everybody.

I will be in Salt Lake City this weekend doing comedy with Happy Valley.

And then the 20th.

I will be at the independent in Detroit in the 21st Hanson man comedy in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Then starting March 28th.

I will be in Europe for the death to America tour.

And it's Amsterdam the 28th.

Rotterdam the 29th.

Berlin the 31st.

Vienna the 1st.

Basel, Switzerland the 2nd.

Zurich, Switzerland the 3rd.

Paris, France the 4th.

Manchester, England the 5th.

And London or no, Dublin the 6th.

Something like that.

I don't remember.

I don't ever, ever mix up London and Dublin again.

I'm sorry.

I know your family died.

Presser.

But please, please, please subscribe to the Patreon.

And like all our stuff and send us sweet messages.

And I'm one of us is accepting nudes now.

So, and he'll share them with me.

Yeah, I'll show them to Mike.

Bye.

It'd be so funny if there's like a like an adult man that like in 2000.

What year was that?

18.

He like came back to his house in rubble.

And there was just a piece like a shard of a missile with.

Oh, Mike.

Oh, you put the axe symbol in your.

Yeah, and he's like, I will kill this man.

They saw that you wrote your Instagram handle on the bomb.

And they were like, blow this one up first.

This is disgraceful.

Man, maybe that's why I don't sell tickets.

Anonymous bomb threats this entire time.

Advertising on Shrapnel and a Syrian man's leg.

Yeah.

I mean, that is enough negative karma for me to never, you know,

for just everything to go wrong in my life.

Yeah, yeah.

I think God.

I would do it though, too.

I would not know what it is.

I wouldn't process it.

But this is the fun missile for the guys.

I think that's it.

Dude, when you're there, when you're there, man,

you just fall right into it.

Yeah.

This is like how everybody talks about it.

I was falling in orders.

You're like, when you're there, it just all seems so normal.

Yeah, yeah.

But they were.

I mean, I was driving around like multi millions of dollars of equipment.

Like I drove one of those huge humvees that looks like it's supposed like a Mars rover.

Yeah.

Like it's got wheels that are my height.

Fucking Kyle Ocasio, Robin Shawl, and Ali Brin ran into an active minefield to take a picture.

They didn't know it was that.

That's how much women.

That's how much women need to find their light.

Yeah.

I mean, in fairness to them, there was a wall with wings painted on it in the middle of the minefield.

Like there'll be an angel if you walk past this wall.

Is that what it meant?

It was a memorial.

Yeah.

They're like, run.

Speak of photo.

It's an I love you so much in cursive.

Well, it's great because that's what, you know, JP McDade is here, everybody.

Hey, everybody.

Hello, friends.

Hello, friends.

Valerius JP McDade.

Valerius injured and we just get to that.

But it's interesting that the bases that I went to like in Kuwait and Jordan are like in the

active shit right now.

Yeah.

Like everything that's going on.

And I was like, that's where I was.

It's not so much comedy shows over there anymore.

But then again, I just saw this thing about Curtis 50 cent Jackson at the height of his fame in 2004,

flew into a base that took like regular mortar fire all the time and literally put on a show in the middle.

They were like, which guy has his own flag jacket already?

Yeah.

You know, so how many times did he got shot nine times nine?

Yeah.

So he'd be all right.

He's fine.

Yeah.

He's got to do it anyways.

Well, what they say is that it's the 10th one that gets you.

Oh, okay.

Never get shot 10 times.

Nine times plan him out.

The cat rules of guns.

Took a piss next to him at the garden.

Big day.

I really highlight.

I assume.

Were you sitting in like a special section?

Got the old VIP treatment old Sammy Morrell brought me.

Oh, yeah.

They'll do it.

Pretty sweet.

That's also because I got that with the Stefano.

I was there too, yeah.

And I, I like almost padded Camaro Usman in the head.

Look, he's so much.

Do you know who he is?

He's a UFC fighter.

Yes, yes, yes.

Like a welter weight of all time.

Yeah, he'd be chill.

Truly one of the kindest people I've met.

And I think all those guys, not all of them, but a lot of them are because one they get it out.

That is a lot.

Two is a lot.

They submit to a lot.

And then three, I just think they're like, I know how to handle myself.

So there's really truly nothing to prove in terms of my general attitude.

Like guys that suck at fighting are real loud.

I think that, I think there's, there's two kinds of guys like who get into MMA and the ones who make it like a Camaro Usman.

Yeah.

They have a level of discipline where they fight their demons well enough to get to that point where they can be kind of people.

But the other guys who get it to MMA probably never quite figure it out.

Yeah.

Because they're just as wounded inside, but they just are psychotic.

Like back in the day, UFC.

Back in the day, UFC are just guys whose dad used to put cigars out on their chest.

They're wearing jeans.

They're getting in the octagon with Tim's on.

Yeah, I watched, I watched like a, I was in the airport and they kept replaying this documentary about this girl whose dad is a famous UFC fighter.

And now she's doing well.

I can't remember her.

Me or Frank Mears daughter.

Yeah.

But Frank Mears, Jesus Christ is that guy look like shit.

Oh, does he?

I didn't even see.

He looks like what's the fucking actor with all the...

Mickey Rork.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mickey Rork face going on.

How could you not?

Sure.

You know what I mean?

It's permanently injured forever.

Well, and I don't know if we talked about it on this pod, but like they do this thing with their knuckles where they build up scar tissue intentionally around their face.

And they just like...

So yeah, they all look like the rock and the smashing machine.

Do you know if they have prosthetic on their face?

Who?

Calovicular.

I absolutely do.

You're frame mage and JP right now.

I am.

They're soaking up all the aura.

Dude, my corn is all levels are right now.

I'm trying right now.

Yeah, I'm trying to spike his corn is all.

What the fuck was I going to say?

Oh, you know what I just realized?

You do a character that is your accent kind of like a...

But you have an accent that is like a dying accent.

Like the white guy who's not...

You know what I mean?

Like he's like...

He's got the New York accent, but it's not the like, hey, I'm fucking Brooklyn.

It's like a...

It's like the old man who's kind of been around for a long time who's like this.

And you know...

Yeah, it's like my got a lot of very odd anecdotes that he wants to show.

But nobody has this accent anymore.

It's disappearing.

It's like the Boston Brahman, you know?

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Yeah.

That's every best of all coaches brother I ever met.

Like it wasn't my coach directly, but it was his brother who went further.

My brother is a priest.

He's a priest.

And coach at Iona.

He had a seat in the wall.

I made...

I mainly play scratch-offs, but you know, my brother Dominic was a coach.

That's so good.

But JP's resting voice is like Northeast nobility.

Like it sounds like if we had a British accent, it would be JP.

Yeah.

Well that's what the Boston Brahman accent is.

The Boston Brahman accent is like...

Stand near British.

Yeah, it's like...

For class English.

Oh, good...

Good job old boy.

Like that one.

Yeah, like that one.

Well, Don, um...

Fuck, what the hell?

I forget his name.

This guy is one of the funniest comics ever from Boston.

Herrera?

Old guy, no, old.

Helped establish it.

It's on the tip of my tongue too.

Fuck.

Don.

Alcoholic.

Like, I mean, they got...

I literally...

I know.

That doesn't help.

Like, he...

It's in the movie when stand-up stood out.

If you can look that up, Don.

Great.

Great documentary.

No, not Dennis Leary.

Dennis came after him.

He's a guy, like, he's 77 years old.

I did a Rubo with him.

He's that kind of...

He could be 400 drinks deep,

and like, falling asleep, get on stage,

and he's in full auto-pilot murdering.

Yeah.

Like, you know, this guy is unbelievable.

But he has that, like...

Popeye's gonna take his spinach.

Dude, every once in a while,

his voice will switch to English.

Like, it'll be like,

Your fucking cock, Sega, more?

Would you...

Would you rather suck a cock, your fucking penis?

Yes.

That's like the...

I feel like the New Hampshire main accent is almost that.

The way they guys...

It's like...

It's gotten so...

It's like so close to New Brunswick.

Yeah.

That they're like, almost British.

Nova Scotian almost.

Like, you don't want to go down that road down.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

That guy in South Park.

Oh, I fucking...

Oh, do you do a good Herman Monster from Pets Cemetery?

Oh, I haven't seen it.

Damn, dude.

Because your voice tone right there was like...

He's on...

That guy is the best.

The dude who played Herman Monster

is the neighbor in Pets Cemetery.

Who's like, you can't...

Barry bodies on Pets Cemetery.

Oh, that's...

Yeah, that's it.

That's the main accent.

That's how the ground over there.

The Boston Brahmin is like that guy and family guy

who's like, has the lower jaw that goes way out

because he's in Brazil.

Yeah, that's one.

That's one.

That's one.

I am...

I...

I can never hold a impersonation.

Like, or an accent.

Or an accent.

Or an accent.

It's hard.

Yeah.

Or an accent.

I can do it for like a minute.

And then I'll always like...

Like, if I'm doing British,

I'll always turn Australian.

Or...

That's why I'm impressed by people

who can do that for a whole movie shoot.

Because like, they're shooting over the course

of what, 60 days or something.

It's like, that's got...

You can start to slip a little over time.

Well, that's the only...

Like, when you do that,

that to me is the only exception

when you're like, method.

Where it's like, yeah, I'll still probably talk

in a British accent between takes

because I'll fucking lose it otherwise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's so crazy because they can do it...

Like, Rose Burn.

Rory was like telling me about...

I was like, does like her Australian accent like how?

And he was like, it's like the second that they say cut,

she's Australian again.

That's crazy.

And then they start...

And I feel like it's all British

and Australians can just be American.

But there's like two American actors

that can do a British accent.

Yeah.

We have a hard time going the other way

because it's so regionalized.

The British audience is going to sniff it out right away.

It's like, oh, you're not from Yorkshire.

You're not going to ride.

You're not from Manchester.

There's several differences.

That's the best thing is you have to be specific

to like have it...

To have like almost other Americans be like,

I don't think that's a good accent,

but then the people of where that's from

are like, that's fucking perfect.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, what's her tits from White Lotus?

Fuck.

Piper, not...

What's her name?

The marker pose.

Parker Posey.

Oh, yeah.

She...

Everybody who's not from there

was like that accent sucked.

Like, what kind of bullshit was that?

And then it took people from that exact area to be like,

that's how my drunk mom and her friends talk

every single day.

I fucking love that.

North Carolina is a little more subtle.

Yeah.

Are you from Long Island?

Originally.

Yeah, I grew up mostly Connecticut.

Oh, okay.

I'm a Long Island sound boy.

That's crazy.

You're a water boy.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't realize.

Did you wear dockshoes a lot?

No, I was not quite dockshoes Connecticut.

I'm farther inland.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It was from Waterbury.

Yeah.

Near Danbury, Newtown.

That's...

The funny thing about...

How do I know that?

We don't...

We don't have any...

We don't have any concept of, like, Connecticut trash.

Yeah.

And from the West Coast.

So you say you're from Connecticut.

We just assume that you're, like, sailing in the summer

and, like, regattas with, you know, like all the Kennedys

or whatever.

That's about 1-8th of the state.

Yeah, roughly.

And then you go to Danbury and you're, like, holy shit.

Then the mom go off.

The Danbury trashers hockey team.

I don't know if you saw the document.

Yeah, yeah, I heard about it.

It's one of the mob-dub guy.

My friends are in it.

Their chefs are painted in a crowd shot.

That was a big thing to do.

Like, this mob-dub guy was running this...

Like, minorly hockey team in Danbury, Connecticut.

And it was just...

They would, you know, start fights every five minutes.

And it was just a shit show.

But then you...

Like, that's, like, trash in that area.

But then you go farther north.

And you might as well be in Alabama.

Yeah.

Like, I did a show on the back of a truck there

with an American flag behind me one time.

And it was...

It was essentially a Trump rally.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Like, we had to run to the car.

It's so funny because...

That's, like, Seattle...

Like, the second you leave Seattle, it's Alabama.

Yeah.

And, like, it's like...

I've been on the Canadian border and seen a Confederate flag.

Yeah.

Which is...

Yeah.

Besides Alaska, the farthest you can get away from New York City.

Yeah, but it's for the rock and roll.

Yeah, you know, it's...

It's culture.

It's culture.

It's a culture of the...

When America suspected from Canada, the Confederate flag was...

Albertans actually now have Confederate flags.

Like, sure.

The Calgaryen kind of...

They have a new one.

They released it.

Or they took ours.

Yeah.

Oh.

They were Trump hats.

They have cal...

Confederate flags.

They really...

They have Kid Rocks Kid Rocks.

Yeah, exactly.

Kid Rocks not an embarrassment there.

Kid Rocks actually still a celebrity in Calgary.

I like how he got speaking of...

I don't know why I'm just referencing White Lotus.

But his performance during the White House, he looked like he had the Kuntie Bob,

that Leslie Bib had.

The same exact just fringe cut.

The strainer is still hot in his trailer.

He's eating up that room.

Wait, did you...

Did you get an...

A nominated for an Emmy?

I did not.

I was on the staff that got nominated for a set of WGA award.

It was the Golden Globe staff from last year.

Yeah.

But because I wasn't WGA at the time, I couldn't be nominated.

So I couldn't be credited as a writer.

I had to be in like a special day, answer whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One of those deals.

But I'm now a card-carrying member.

Let's go.

I was actually...

I texted Nicky yesterday because I have like a consulting job

where they asked me to reach out.

And I was so afraid to text her.

Really?

I was just like...

She's so famous now.

And the last time I text her, I was like 2018.

And I was like, please don't like have me killed for writing this.

Just waiting to see if the bubbles come back blue or not.

Yeah.

No, she's a good text to show you that I'm sure she did, but like...

Yeah.

She's super nice.

There's also nothing worse than texting somebody you haven't texted in years

to then also unearth the time capsule of pathetic past.

Dude, are you trying to read your previous...

And you're like, oh my god.

How about this Anthony Scaremucci?

That's the last text you said.

Yeah, no, that's the worst is when you text somebody or DM them

and you realize like, oh shit, like I hit on you in 2017.

Yeah.

It goes through all the phases of friendship and acquaintance.

You could possibly, man.

It's like, is your mouth on its period?

No, I need professional help.

But I know what you mean, because like texting someone, no matter how much time has passed

after that borderline of they've gotten famous, it's never going to feel...

Not feel like I need something from you.

Yeah, yeah.

Like if I'm texting you right now, my bothering this person.

It feels that way sometimes with friends.

Like, I've gotten insecure with De Stefano and shit.

I'm like, I'm just asking if you want to hang, man.

Like, I don't need a job offer.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything like, it's totally cool.

But it's a total projection of myself,

because it's not even really on his radar.

I got the funniest response yesterday from a famous person,

which was Ronnie Chang just had a baby.

They had like a three-week-old.

And you're texting Tom Hanks about it?

Yeah.

It's like you got to find these gloves.

Is that what it is?

Gloves or...

Oh, the little gloves?

What does Tom Hanks take pictures of?

It's gloves or socks.

No, but I texted him, because I was going to send some kind of baby gift.

But I didn't say that.

I just said, hey, what's your address?

Like I just texted, we text.

I'm not just like out of the blue, but what's your address is what I texted?

And he just wrote back, no thanks.

We don't need anything.

I was like, okay, cool.

Yeah, imagine.

Damn.

That's honestly pretty awesome.

Yeah, let's send out some love to Chad Hanks,

currently stuck in Columbia without a passport.

A poor guy.

He's chillin'.

He's fine.

He's fuckin' in this patch of life.

Meena Fritz.

I mean, I need no passport.

I still can't understand him.

Yeah.

He had a really empathetic Instagram post about Shia LaBuff.

Yeah.

And about like being a man of God and sober and how like you can't be.

Can we talk about the...

You gotta stop interviewing people when they're in bipolar, manic states.

Yeah.

You don't like that?

No.

I know it's kind of like Joe Rogan interviewing a fighter after they get piped out.

Like I like Andrew...

He's a gentleman.

Like I really like what he does.

But like I feel like that...

It's like the Kanye stuff where it's like, okay, this person is like mentally...

Did you listen to it?

The whole Shia.

The interview?

I listened to like a couple big chunks.

I listened to it.

The one thing I really...

I mean, that guy...

I admire the shit out of him because he's never, never too up, never too down.

Andrew.

Like he really knows how to roll with an interview.

Oh, Andrew, yeah.

Yeah, and he has Shia LaBuff.

He's a pinball all over the place.

But Andrew is always like...

He didn't like allow the bullshit to just kind of go by.

Like he'd be like...

Like Shia is like...

I guess that sounds pretty homophobic, right?

And he's like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like him for that.

But I just like...

You know what I think it is?

It's also selfish because I just want Shia LaBuff to be in big movies again.

And I'm kind of like...

I'm gonna do a fuck.

He's a really good actor.

He's so good.

I don't think he's gonna be in movies though.

Like, I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Not with Woke 2.

Well, didn't he say he's actually going into a movie?

Like, that was part of the interview.

Probably not in the book.

Probably not in the book.

Yeah, and you'd be...

So, delay production a little bit when you're fighting perverse.

You get D.Y.

When it comes to...

And him getting like...

Did you watch the...

He literally was up on his fucking like bridged almost like trying to get up.

And the guy just un-fucking-corked on his face like three times.

Oh shit.

Like, no defense to him at all.

The guy punched him in the face.

He's like...

Yeah, to me like, he served his cry.

He served his cry.

No, I need that for acting.

Yeah.

He's chewing the shaking tantrum.

That's so funny.

He's clearly an unwell guy.

A lot of artists are.

But it's like, if you're fucking getting drunk and just like getting in bullshit fights during

Mardi Gras, I don't see that as a huge major issue.

It's possible for...

I know that Honey Boy, the movie that he made, was like a little bit embellished about his relationship

with his dad.

Like his dad said he wasn't that abused.

But I wonder with some celebrities, Tupac, my prime example.

I kind of have a theory.

He's like, did this guy just kind of get into a character and just stay in it so deeply

that it like fucked up his whole life?

Because when you see him in like Marin County, because that's like where he grew up, was like,

I think he's born in New York and then his family moved to the Bay and then...

He lived in Baltimore for a while.

He was like a dancer.

He was in a rap video like a...

He was in Diccon underground.

Yeah.

He's in actually...

It's like a theater kid.

His dad was like a huckster, like literally bringing him around to kind of carnival acting.

Well, his dad also was like, I think was in prison for quite a while and got out.

But the Tupac thing is like, you see him in like the...

That's Gary Veter, you're thinking of...

The late 80s, though, and he's like...

He's like just like this happy-go-lucky guy.

He's like gay teenager.

Yeah.

Tupac was a gay teen, for sure.

And then there was a West Coast thing.

There's a ton of like, you know, rumor and stuff like that.

But I just mean he is a pure like in it for the art.

Like he's like, I just love acting.

I love actor commits.

I love actor commits.

I love an actor who commits.

He got shot five times and then eventually kills.

And scene.

Yeah.

I think the Kanye thing I totally agree with,

because then you have like these guys who still want a curry favor with him a little bit.

Like they still admire him and it's all that stuff.

So he goes on these rants about whatever and they're like, yeah, I can see that.

Like they don't check it as like, hey man, I think you're being completely unwell

and you have a Jesus complex.

In the back of their mind, they still want like a ticket to Yeezy Season 9 or whatever.

Exactly.

Or a producer credit on something.

I don't know.

I don't know.

The shy of above.

I am not like, I'm not a defender of his.

I think he's a fucking mess.

And I hope he gets his shit together for sure.

But I think there's, at this point, there's far worse you could be than drunk guy at Marty

Graw.

You can be that Canadian rapper.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you could be ordering just gallons of hydrochloric acid deer island to dispose of bodies.

It's going to be so fun.

There wasn't that little delivery that came up in the files.

That's not about that one.

Yeah.

There was thousands of gallons of hydrochloric acid delivered to his island the day he was

indicted with fucking Tubermaid, whatever barrels that they used.

The same barrels from Breaking Bad.

The same barrels from Breaking Bad, yeah.

It's like, what are we doing, folks?

There's shoots that go down into the ocean where there's like sharks with laser beams on their head.

Those were for science.

Me and Jeffrey were doing science with those barrels.

And I had nothing to do with this.

It was something through the pictures with a full rod just reliving his glory days.

He's like, man, I remember that party.

It was this shit.

Good thing there's a table here while I'm doing this deposition.

Terrible.

You know, everybody's all over the place.

But John is buttholes.

Kids, adults.

Poor Hillary that she just like always has to get dragged into some kind of like official reminder of her husband's

in fidelity.

But she's responsible for murder.

So she's got her own.

I saw that firsthand.

Oh, you're talking about the Arkansas couple.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, a few bodies.

The guy who shot himself in the chest while hanging himself from a tree.

Dude.

Interesting.

That's the only thing I would, if I'm Bill Clinton.

It's a good Spiracy podcast now.

Depends on the rabbit hole part two.

If I was Bill Clinton, which I'm not.

But if I was Bill Clinton, I would just burn the whole fucking thing down.

I'm 95 years old or whatever.

I got pieces of my skin falling off during live interviews.

It's like just go in there and be like.

I'm responsible for some murders when I was the Arkansas governor.

There's I did some really nefarious shit with this.

What else you want to know and just fucking lay it out.

Burn the goddamn thing out and then just like Bud Dwyer yourself in front of everybody.

We need a Michael Clayton.

What's that Tom?

What's the actor that plays the the British actor that goes crazy?

The guy with all the bread.

Yeah.

In the bag.

I can't remember his name.

You know, he's like a high-pout.

You see Michael Clayton, right?

No.

Classic.

One of the best movies.

George Clooney.

Yeah.

Okay.

But it's like a high-power lawyer has a manic episode and just starts divulging like an evil law firm.

I don't want to watch this right now.

It's basically my father in law's law firm.

But we haven't had that yet.

We haven't had like somebody who actually has clearance, have a public mental health.

I would love to see that deathbed confession from the guy, the fixer guy who's responsible

for wrangling all of them.

It almost happened with me.

I did find out recently that I was sexting with somebody from somebody who's related to

somebody in the Trump administration.

I was already excited about that.

Tiffany?

Yeah.

I was sexting with Tiffany.

You sexting with Baron a few years ago.

Yeah.

We don't like the talk.

Actually, I can't really share the photos.

I mean, Baron is grouped with hair.

Isn't he?

Baron?

That kid is fucking.

Draft bearing.

I love the draft bearing.

I love the draft bearing.

As a guy in this hydrange, he's a weird looking guy.

Yeah.

I feel for him because there's no way he blends in anywhere he goes.

And then why you forget about that.

Hey, everybody.

If you're not aware, we are now taking calls from you, the listeners.

That's right.

You're a direct participant in our show now because we've run out of personal content to give you.

So please give us a call at 646-598-2417.

And we will pick your voice mail and we'll play it on the pod and we'll answer it.

And hopefully, everybody feels better.

That's right.

Yeah.

So ask us for advice.

We can settle a debate.

You can start a debate between us.

You can just vent.

Dad questions.

I would love a vent.

Yeah.

It would be nice.

We have some real personal ones too.

I would love it.

I love that.

I would love to have some like some winds.

Maybe you had over your wife.

That'd be good.

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646-598-2417.

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You know what's a bummer is we're kind of getting back

into that mode of corny, lib stuff happening.

Like everybody's really excited about the draft baron.

Petition.

And it's like the Brooklyn dad defiance.

Yeah, like the liberalism.

Those kind of guys where they're like brutal, man.

Cheetah man is not whatever.

I can't even decide.

It's like the righteousness is a victory in and of itself.

And it's like, that's not the victory.

Like you can't just feel better about having a good,

better opinion.

Well, that's how I felt the whole time with like

when I was in Minneapolis, because it was be like 65 year old,

like NPR subscribers being like,

not my president.

And I was like every single person

that you're protesting right now does not know

you're protesting.

They are day drunk on an Orlando golf course.

Yeah, signing a deal to buy more missiles.

Like they have no concern over you.

They're in Key West right now, avoiding their grandchildren.

I wonder if that's going to make it come

like the brand of liberalism that's been like marketed

to our moms basically.

Yeah, MSNBC moms.

Yes, I have an MSNBC mom.

I was like, not today, Mr. Cheeto.

Yes, I have.

Mom, you know, they're blowing up kids in Gaza.

No, I haven't heard a word about it.

But he know he had a shady land deal.

He was very rude to a female reporter.

Yeah.

They're literally sniping knees of,

oh, anyways, it's too depressing.

Speaking of knees, what happened?

Yeah, did not get sniped, sniped myself.

This is blame the idea.

It's not a fashion right now.

I want to blame the idea.

They probably use a direct enter.

Are those compression socks?

These are compressions.

If you're having new surgery, get compression socks

before you leave the hospital.

Get them.

You need them because I got surgery on this.

I got the old blood clot diagnosed

like a week and a half ago.

Oh, shit.

We're thinning that out.

We're working on it.

You got to wear the compression socks.

Are you going to clot?

I know two comedians with blood clots right now.

Yeah, James and you.

James too.

Not to violate that matter.

He posted about it.

He posted.

I feel like he got that from just yelling from hosting.

He just held the microphone.

It'd be fine.

Praying for you, James.

We were texting about it.

He's my blood clot brother.

Blood clot.

Yeah, my lad, man.

But yeah, I was playing hoops and I was playing

in the comedian basketball pickup game

back in an early February.

Got a steel running full court.

Don't run full court if you're in your late 30s.

And going up for a layup, put all the way to my left leg.

That's it.

It was just a basic, like nothing like you

try to do anything crazy.

It was just a basic step plant.

It was the exact, if you want to get a video of it happening,

Victor, Victor Oledipo had the same exact injury.

It's a patellar tendon rupture.

So did you did your leg then plant?

And it wasn't ACL.

Not ACL, but when I was a bad one, it is a pretty bad one.

I was in the hospital.

I was talking to the doctor and she's

like, it's probably a patellar tendon rupture.

I was like, oh, so it's not as bad as an ACL tear, right?

And she's like, I wouldn't say that.

So it's like, what's your kneecap on, right?

You cannot extend your leg if it's not connected.

It's the most underrated tendon in the body, I think.

It's the meat of it.

Let's do underrated, overrated tendons right now.

What's your most underrated?

Miniscence.

Ah!

Miniscence is just a piece of cartilage.

I've torn the shit out of my miniscence.

Your MCL and LCLs are kind of the whatever ones.

Those are like most of your knee injuries.

ACL is pretty important.

It's the back of your knee.

And the one he injured is actually the one that you,

that's the hardest one to injure.

You might need, it is pretty hard to injure, yeah.

That means it's been on the, like, on a string for a while.

Not to brag, but, oh, I don't think so.

I think it was fully intact and then it just popped

all the way off my tibia.

I'm guessing you weren't stretching.

Oh, no!

I don't believe in stretching.

Yeah, not to brag as fair.

Not to brag, but it's an injury that's very common among

competitive weight lifters and black guys.

Oh, there you go.

I feel honored to be in there cool.

That's cool.

You're a regular Ronnie Coleman.

Yeah.

He's, he's, he's, he's, he's like a nine-time Mr. Olympia.

Of course, yeah.

He literally looks like Michael Bayes, the Ninja Turtles.

Yeah.

Like he's so fucking vascular and nuts.

And then he's a cop, too.

Yeah.

But I think he's now an important.

But Andy, you're, you're a soccer guy.

Is it, I think some soccer players have played with

torn ACLs?

Yeah, no, but I'm, the, the reason why I really know about it

is skiing because like, yeah, I was like a semi-competitive

skier and everybody hurts their knees at some point.

Well, that twisting.

Yeah.

So the lateral movements.

Yvonne's Goddamn femur.

That was insane.

I was watching that a few days after surgery when she was

skiing with a partial knee replacement

annotory ACLs.

I was like, what are you doing lately?

So insane.

So I made this connection on a fart carnival,

but I hear I feel like you guys might be a better.

Where connection is made.

Yeah, better bounces off of.

But I thought that she was such an interesting, like,

micro example of boomers, even though she's

alright, she's like a 40-year-old millennial.

Tigers.

But she is just hanging on to relevance for dear life

for as long as possible, not allowing any new person

an opportunity, and literally even to the point

of after-catastrophic injury.

She's like, you cannot have my spot.

I spent a person who was the next alternate.

I was like, all right, she completely fucked up her knees.

There's no way.

I'm not going to any of them.

I mean, they called their parents.

They were like, mom, book the tickets.

Let's go.

It's so funny that they were probably so excited

that she tore her face.

Yeah.

Lindsey Vaughn probably called Tiger Woods

his guy in fucking Germany.

Got a few blood.

Tiger Woods.

I could get you a new knee.

Yeah.

No problem.

Yeah.

I got a knee guy.

No pacing Tiger Woods.

Totally good.

He's a freshman.

Elon, back in their co-parenting.

Oh, good for you.

She looks great.

She looks real cool.

No, we didn't.

No, we didn't.

No, we didn't.

We'll see.

In Tampa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so weird how so many very, very affluent Europeans

end up in Florida.

It's, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's true.

It's like they're placed to go.

Yeah.

Because I guess it's like, um, they're tired of a miracle.

They're tired of a miracle.

Everyone's in Portugal now vacation.

And we got to go to Florida.

Yeah.

And then they just lined up there.

But it's like the Palm Beach.

The antithesis of culture, like in Florida.

But then they're just like, well, there's American laws and Florida weather.

So we'll put up with it.

You're walking down a beautiful cobblestone street in Seville, Spain.

Church bells are ringing.

They're a little cafes.

You're like, enough.

They're like, taxes are too high.

I can't beat Tampa.

I'm going to Fort Lauderdale.

I can't tell you how many guys I would meet like, um, like when I worked in football in

England.

And all of them when they did their stag dues or like when they went to like, on

a vacation, it was always Florida.

And I was like, you have the Mediterranean is a two and a half hour flight.

And they're like, nope.

We're going to Orlando.

Dude, I, I don't, I've seen your frogs down at Italy, my, we're going to Florida.

We're going to be drinking out a fishbowls rod and fan boats, mate.

That's fucking goddamn, that's so good.

I remember, I went to, I did like Fort Lauderdale improv or Dania Beach that, that improv

with the Stefano.

And we were doing like, we were walking around filming content for Patreon.

This is when I was on chaos.

And some fucking Florida meth has never, you know, it has not been out like inside in

two decades.

Just leather wallet made.

I watched them come across the entire sidewalk and throw his shoulder into Chris while we

were filming.

Like just, and we were like, what the fuck?

And he's like, like, hissing at us, his eyes blink sideways.

He's like, coming like this.

And we're kind of like, what the fuck?

And he's like circling us.

And then he starts to walk across the, the intersection.

And he does it to another guy.

And this guy backs up and goes, Sean Michaels, sweet chin music, this guy, right in the fucking

face.

And he just dropped like a Jacob's ladder in the middle of the fucking crosswalk.

And I was like, that was the greatest moment of karma that was the, that's a guy with

an injury that's very impressive.

I mean, hip flexors.

I do not have that mobility.

I could probably kick my son in the face and that's about as high as I could.

You should.

Keep him in line.

Chris was like, seriously, bro, that's pretty fucked up that he just showed to check

me in the middle of the sidewalk.

I've got to give you two seconds to the show, but never do that again.

You forgot to mention your Puerto Rican family.

Listen, my trans, you know, Uncle, as you know, to come to your house and fuck you up.

My reason I can joke about anything.

So you, when you pop it, because that's like, you know, I've heard my knee, my feet

are, and I'm getting, I'm older than you, playing basketball and all this stuff.

And I'm going to be doing this tournament this summer that like, it's going to be two

on two half-court because I just like, the idea of running up and down, it's like, you're

kind of just looking to film a catastrophe like in that it's almost like a NASCAR race.

You're like, waiting for somebody's wheel to blow, but I just want like not that because

I played that 35 plus league dude with my buddy from high school.

And it was far more competitive than I thought.

My buddy and I were joking, you know, everybody that reaches a certain age is like, who's

going to get her first, like, what's going to happen, what's going on.

And my buddy, Anthony, within three minutes of our first game, fucking blew out as a

killi's.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Like, immediately fell to the ground.

I was like, that's it.

And his wife, with their three little kids, came down from the bleachers and was like,

you piece of fucking shit.

Oh, wasted no time.

Yeah, right.

Just like, god damn it.

I mean, justifiably.

That's what you get to get a divorce.

She was, she was helpful in, you know, caring, but she was like, you mother fucker.

Like, I now have four children.

Yeah.

That's why I'm glad.

I'm so glad my girlfriend has been exceptionally cool about this.

She got me in her health insurance.

Nice.

I paid for the surgery out pocket.

Yikes.

But after that, she got me in her insurance.

She's been like, taking care of me, but I didn't want to hurt a worry because she's

super squeamish and she's like, she literally passed out in the hospital when we were talking

to the doctors.

But I was on the phone from seeing anything just from the, not even really from seeing,

but I was on the phone with her on the way to the hospital, shout out, Jeff Sirulee

for driving me and Sam to the hospital and Sam are ill for hanging out with me.

I was on the phone.

They're like, hey, just let you know, taking an old ride up to NYU Langone.

It might just be a sprain, but my knee is fucked and we'll see.

Did it change colors right away?

It didn't change colors, but as I was on the ground looking at it, it was like it doesn't

look right.

Yeah.

So something was out of place.

Well, the Achilles is horrible because usually when you snap your Achilles, your entire

calf muscle goes like this, my dad had that rolled up like a shrimp in his leg.

Yeah.

Well, that's what, when they remember when KD, when Durant fucking popped as a kid, and

they kept showing the fucking replay of like the, you can see the cord like, hmm, what

about the fucking?

It's Cincinnati player 10 years ago.

Oh, that was the worst way I've ever had.

Oh, yeah, I can't.

His teammate started crying.

People threw up like, dude, he got it right.

I remember that.

He was throwing themselves on the ground because immediately they were like, no, like they

turned into the kids they are.

That was one of those, that was one of those TV moments where it was like, people kept

on like, it was like almost like Rick Astley kind of like trying to send it to you like

secret.

Yeah.

It was the original wood.

The porn star would.

The black guy with the knee.

Yeah.

He said it's a tibia.

It's nine inches of tibia stick and awful, dude.

So what is the plan for the leg like plan is I'm going to get back in the game.

You know, I was a, I'm looking a couple of weeks.

I should be back out.

No.

It should be good for playoffs.

I'm going to get out there.

Me and Joel Wakowski.

I'm, I'm away from basketball for probably two years, for two years, for a while.

Yeah.

I'll shoot free throws.

I'm 37, but I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm prioritizing golf.

I love golf.

I play that.

I'm not going to risk it.

Yeah.

I had a lesson planned for the next day when I injured it.

I was like, fuck.

I even said that on the course.

Shit.

I have to cancel that lesson.

But was it your lesson or one you were teaching?

It was mine.

Oh.

Yeah.

No, I'm not going to have to teach.

I disagree.

Your swing is fucking butter, dude.

That's generous of you to say on the record.

As somebody who plays poorly, but I can, I can recognize somebody who is fluid and

really moves like, you know, I don't know elite, but you fucking look very nice of

you to say.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

You also, when you run, you're stride as long.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You have a long elegant stride, Andy.

I've been elegant slides.

Like a curvil.

Like a curvil.

That was my last good amount of, when I, when I was on WGA insurance, was I went to the

running clinic at NYU.

Nice.

Nice.

And I analyzed my stride.

Did you really?

Yeah, I did all of it.

I did my VO2 and all that.

Well, you like put the thing on your mat, like Tim Allen in the Santa Claus.

Yeah.

Also, you go on this treadmill and they like put a camera on the side and a camera in

the front.

And then you have like little knee markers and it like shows you like what you're doing

and all that shit.

Did you tell you were like doing anything wrong or?

No, but I have to like, like, I have to make my ass stronger because that's like where

long distance running comes from.

Yeah.

Do you pronate or supinate?

I don't do either.

Nice.

I have like a, I guess I pronate like a tool of minor degree.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've been in Targetzi.

I've been just wanted to train for a marathon and I did like a long run on Wednesday and

I was kind of like, maybe I don't want to run anymore.

You're forest.

You're done.

I don't know.

I'm not done.

But I was just like, it was like, I ran through Red Rocks in Las Vegas and I like was

like, it'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

What time of day do you even do that?

It's so fucking hot.

Not that day.

It was like 70 degrees.

But it was like, I didn't realize that it was 1,500 foot vertical.

Jesus.

Gain for the beginning.

Yeah.

Watch your arm.

So I, oh, yeah.

That's all right.

Keep that elbow flex.

It was up.

And then I got straight up vertical.

But I got to the top and I was like, oh, fuck, fuck this.

Yeah.

I don't get how, because for a while I was like, twang, maybe I'll do an ultra marathon

and now I'm kind of like, I don't need to do that.

I'm a documentary to recommend you.

And then that might scratch your itch and you won't need to run it yourself.

Troyer is the guy's last name.

He's a kid who's a credible documentary about how he like ran until he put himself

in the hospital and then got back and it was an old, ran a hundred mile race, whatever.

But I'm just the kind of shit I watch now when I'm stuck at home.

Yeah.

Have you seen Icarus?

No.

I re-told somebody about this documentary and I think it's my favorite documentary.

Oh, it's the one about hoop dreams.

The guy who, the bicyclist.

Does he go on steroids to kind of like toy with it?

So his whole thing, he was like a pretty competitive decent cyclist, never elite or anything

like that.

But he was good.

Like very good in the top percentile of people that do it.

So he was like, you know what?

I want to see what it's like, how big of a boost I'd actually get from following Lance

Armstrong's exact doping schedule.

What doping in all that?

Exactly.

So he was like, so we got into it and he hired people to help him out and it was the entire

process, like the exact same schedule.

And through that, it started as one documentary.

And then he uncovered like Russian espionage with the Olympics, which inevitably got them

banned from international competitions for the last however many years.

But it like, he uncovered all this shit where like, that would not be worth it to me at

all.

It was like, I'm going to fuck with the rush.

I'd be like, you know, let's sleep dogs like somebody got murdered during the making

of the documentary.

Oh my God.

And it's like, that is one of those where you either stop and go into hiding or you're

like, I have to make this or else that guy don't think I'm in the Oscar speech.

We press on black and white shot of him at the end.

I think it did get nominated for an Oscar, didn't it?

I think so.

I mean, it was, it's an incredible documentary because it's kind of two documentaries.

Like it starts as something completely like, oh, this is a fun idea to see.

I never would have thought that's where the documentary is going.

It's good.

Dude, I was drinking so heavily when I watched the documentary.

I was literally drinking with, I remember it was Jameson on the rocks.

I remember the configuration of my living room in Brooklyn, it was like during a specific

time in my life.

And when it switched to Russia, I was like, Pluh, it's been out my drink and I'm like,

now it's getting good.

You're watching the documentary.

I am comic and then all of a sudden it's like, wait a minute, the comedy clubs are a money

laundering front.

Oh my God.

The ball dovans?

What?

I mean, yes.

Probably not far off.

Yeah.

It's Don Barris.

Don Barris is a front for the Mafia.

Nicky's in that.

Yeah, she is.

In I am comic.

She's like a feature.

That was the first time I saw her.

She was like a road feature.

Yeah.

She had one of the best fucking weed jokes.

I love that joke, where she talks about smoking weed before going for a run.

And she's like, I know a lot of people think that's demotivating, but actually for me it feels

like somebody's chasing me.

Yeah, great joke.

It's just such a, I butchered the shit out of it, but it's a great fucking, I'm like

as a smoker.

Man, I wish I got there.

That was the first time I saw her, I guess.

It was just a young boy.

Yeah.

I was like, she'll be my boss one day.

Yeah.

I will work for that woman one day.

Damn right.

But the plan is a couple of weeks out from rehab.

Yeah.

I can't really flex it.

I'm zero.

I've been zero degrees basically for four weeks and I can bend it just a little bit, but

they told me not to.

Zero degree is the brace.

Yeah.

Okay.

And that keeps it locked.

And temperature, I have to be an absolute zero.

Yeah.

I'm cryogenic.

Nicky's frozen.

This room is not fit for that.

You sleepin' and I spat.

Yeah.

Sleep, fuck man.

Sleep the first few days was rough.

What does the rehab look like?

Because I, you know, I've, I got hurt in college and then it was pretty much kind of the

end of my career.

Like I didn't, I just wound down.

I didn't really get right after that.

So I didn't go through a proper rehab or anything, but what do you, like as an adult who

doesn't have to get back on the court?

Yeah.

What is that?

What is it?

I can't start it yet.

I can't start it for like two weeks.

But I didn't like.

I'm a mic.

You're a walker.

It's you walking with those like between the parallel bars and then you take the mic out

of the sand and then they're like, you're doing it.

I'm opening for, first stop at Radio City, the March 28th.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

It's a long walk to the middle of that stage.

You collapse.

You're crying.

You have to keep going.

We built a replica of the stage for you to practice.

Are you going to get some dry runs in?

Yeah.

All right.

Good.

Yeah.

I tried.

I opened for De Stefano there and as like I got there late and I'm like, can I walk out

on the stage?

He's like, yeah, sure.

And as I take a step, some like union guy was like, get the fuck off the stage.

It's really?

Like because apparently if you step out when it's not, it's like a union, like a $10,000

fine.

Yeah.

And I would have just crossed the production.

And you know what happens every time it's like, we get to do the sound check and it's like,

can we see the spotlight?

Spotlight guys not here yet.

Yeah.

I know.

It's going to be a few minutes.

The spotlight guy is never there.

Yeah.

Those union theaters, like they're like, if you're like a minute over 930, they're like,

that'll be $50,000.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Cool.

Can I tell you a speaking of basketball, a brief parenting thing?

Please do.

So this way, so my son has been in basketball for the last two months, I guess.

Like this is his first every year of basketball.

And he really loves it.

Like he's super into what we've talked on the podcast before.

He, it's something I'm not pushing on him because of how much I love basketball.

So I'm not like, I'm just really conscious of being that dad who used to be kind of

good at something and wants his, is like, no, but my son with my guidance will be the

next actual thing.

Yeah.

And it's like, no, I just want him to learn like about teamwork and the, and the spirituality

of sports, not even necessarily the other shit.

But he is like hyper competitive, very into it is working hard on his own, like really

like locked in.

You don't understand dad, we got to beat these fucking guys.

Dude, if they don't win, he's like a no fear t-shirt.

He's like, second place is the first loser.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, pussy's lose dad.

And I'm like, fucking calm down, man, like it's all, all these kids nowadays, like all

they, they do is roast each other.

Like roasting was a part of our childhood.

Like we made fun of each other.

But it wasn't like, it wasn't a popularized way of, of interacting.

You know what I mean?

Like it wasn't on TV.

Yeah.

Roasting wasn't on TV.

All of that shit.

Like we didn't, I wasn't aware that it was a thing.

But now kids are like, I'm fucking tearing you apart for something.

And that's how we do this.

So it's fun.

They have all this ammunition because they're in chats on like Roblox or whatever all day

and they're getting all these ideas.

Well, my, I mean, my son, I, I avoided Roblox because I, I had a feeling.

Yeah.

I had a feeling that there might be some adults that are posing as children.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he's working hard.

It's a 10-foot hoop for six-year-olds, which I don't agree with, fundamentally don't

agree with, but whatever.

Because I just think it teaches them bad mechanics.

It disheartens some of them from even continuing to play because, you know, even my, even

my son, for the first couple of games, he's like legitimately crossing people over.

Right.

He has a good, he can dribble the ball for a six-year-old and he's making good passes

and then I'll shoot and he like can't fucking reach.

He just like doesn't have the, or didn't have the strength at the beginning of the season.

And then as it's come, the other dude, the other night, or the other morning, it was

a Sunday morning, I get there, he's excited.

We have this pre-game ritual where now he has a retro-sour, one retro-sour before

every game.

You know what those are?

Those little drops.

Have you ever had those?

It's a weed gummy.

It's a weed gummy.

It's a 50-milligram.

It's a sour gummy.

So he's really good.

He's a fucking jupiter.

He's a fucking jupiter.

But he has to say, it's like a thing.

I love that stuff.

Like I want there to be like small, connective things before sports that kind of make the whole

thing a real like familial experience kind of thing.

Maybe that's wrong, but I like it.

But so he's fired up favorite songs.

He's having a great, he doesn't start, so they rotate the thing and he's like all fucked

up about it.

Doesn't know how to handle it.

And I give him a conversation about resilience and that's the thing.

Oh, a fucking trade, Dad.

He's fucking blatant.

He's fucking blatant.

He doesn't start till high school.

Look, you're going to have to swallow.

You got to ampride with these fucking-

He's a six-year-old coach killer.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just immediately evicting the high school girls that are just trying their

best to talk to children.

So he's, you know, fucked up, but I give him the speech and I tell him what it's like,

you know, teammate and you're there and being an engaged teammate and cheering them on

and that, you know, fills them with confidence.

Blah, blah, blah, the whole thing.

And dude, he scored his first point of the fucking year's first basket and it was during

a comeback.

Yeah.

In the fourth quarter, the score is 12 to 8.

In the fourth quarter.

He was a comeback.

He was scared.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So he gets the ball and like-

Wait, are they playing full court?

They're playing full court ten-foot vets.

That's insane.

It's fucking nuts.

It's not a church, so it's not a high school-sized court, but it's fucking like ten-feet shy of

that.

It's carpeted.

It's fucking good.

Oh, yeah.

We used to play on those like weird plastic almost Lego floor.

Did you ever play on those?

The knee-manglers.

Yeah.

It was like, for every police athletic league I was a part of.

That was like the floor and it was just constant dead zones.

So he, you know, it's 12-8.

People like the parents are getting into it, which is crazy because again, I've talked

about it.

My son didn't want people to applaud for him during his pre-K graduation.

He's so shy.

He's like, I don't like that kind of-

He's like, he's like, co-op, he's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, I'm like, he's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, he's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, he's like, he's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, jobs off-fin.

He's like, jobs off-fin.

He, is that the loudspeaker or something?

Is there an elevator this whole time and I walk down the stairs on one fucking leg?

I was gonna, I would have carried you.

Oh, thank you.

I know.

I think I could have.

We will.

His glutes are strong enough.

Take some notes.

What the fuck?

My glutes are good though.

My hips will collapse at any moment.

He's built a run.

You're built to carry.

That's right.

Yeah, dude.

He's the front of the horse.

A squat.

A thoroughbred mule.

That's exactly correct.

So giraffe, he does like, you know, some whatever giraffe.

Have you been paying attention to the pod?

No.

Giraffes are big on the pod, but the giraffes are big.

I'm never gonna lose this giraffe thing.

I should have said yes.

It was like one of those things where I made like a like a nonsensical joke

that everybody went, you know when you make a joke so bad that everybody goes,

what, what?

Tell me more, tell me more about your process.

Yeah.

How'd you get there?

And, but it's like, I'm never gonna live it down.

There's like giraffe memes being sent to the accounts.

People are doing AI generated giraffes.

It's the best.

It's awesome.

I mean giraffe act, a giraffe actuary should be like a Patreon show that we do for the

podcast or something.

So he, you know, people are cheering.

They score.

I think it's 12, 6 for like four hours.

Yeah.

And then finally, like somebody scores, it's 12, 8.

People are cheering.

Like all the kids are very, are getting like excited too.

It, it looks like like a fucking real tournament.

Parents are just mobbed.

The gym is packed and my son gets the ball, dribbles over it, like makes this move, goes

to the side, which he's told me countless kids just make the most dumb fucking excuses

about it.

This is not my spot.

That's my spot.

Like, it's just the head thing and he's like, he's using analytics, of course.

Yeah.

He refused to shoot from that area for like a couple months because he was like, I'm

just bad at it.

Like he just decided he was bad at it.

He got there, threw up a shot and it wasn't a chuck at all.

It was like legs, push, flip his wrist, grab the cookie out of the cookie jar.

The whole thing.

And dude, it didn't even fucking graze iron.

Like it just went through and I, I like lost control of myself.

I'm fucking crying right now.

I stood up and like the black guy in Rudy, like I was like, I just gave one clap.

I was so fired.

I gave one fucking clap and somebody next to me like grabbed me and they're like, are

you so fucking pumped?

I like, well, you can punch him in the face.

All the parents are running on the floor.

Like it's the end one next day tour.

Oh, baby, the professor.

And I just like, I mean, they ended up the game finished 12 to 10.

But for the last like minute and a half, it was like back and forth almost make, you

know, after his bucket brought him back, it was like, it was fucking unbelievable, dude.

I mean, no molly pill on earth has ever done that for me.

Yeah.

So have a kid if you're in the process.

One of the great, like a combination of like injury and sports greatness moment that

I saw was one time mean a few other comics played in this tournament in Bushwick.

That was like benefiting former gang members and it was the current gang members showed

up.

It was like me and for the comics who look like me and everyone else involved in the

tournament was like either, you know, they're freshly not in the gang or they're pretty

active.

And it was like, I'm not naming any names here, but it was and they had a guy with a speaker

who was doing the end one thing like talking shit called me Dirk when I made a shot.

Called me Sean Bradley when I missed a shot and this great, this one guy, poor guy.

I mean, he's playing defense.

This guy is trying to cross him up and then he like barely does anything but the guy steps

on a leaf and falls and it looked like he got crossed up and fell down and everyone

just ran on the whole.

People are smoking black backwards and running on the court like, it was 20 minutes.

There's a game could be reset.

Have you ever been a part of the positive side of that?

Yeah.

Because I don't think like a standing ovation in Radio City doesn't equal that.

Like you could add a part.

If you make black guys run around, that is better than anything common.

I do.

I have actually a basketball moment like that.

Get it?

Because my senior year, I've told you about this, I saw love in basketball and I decided

I was like, exactly.

I thought that I was going to be a basketball player and so I played, yeah, that was Maxwell.

But I played basketball every day and this is that time where I'm in gym class with Brandon

Roy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like a couple of times I remember this one time I went to go play like by myself and

I'm just like shooting around and then like Jason Terry for some reason just showed up.

I'm talking like a hoop that's like in the middle of a park where nobody's around.

Yeah.

And Jason Terry showed up to play.

That's crazy.

And it was just me shooting with Jason Terry.

The jet knows all the spots.

So I kept on thinking like, you know, did he have his tattoo yet?

I don't know.

No, that's probably way earlier.

But this was, it was destiny.

And so it became my whole identity.

I was wearing Carolina blue shorts to school that spring.

Yeah.

At our senior party, it was like pick up.

But eventually we played the like current varsity team in this pick up game.

And I like scored like the winning layup and like got the like, like everybody hitting

me on the edge of the thing.

I'm not gay after all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I was actually pretty cool in high school.

I don't know.

I know.

You were cool actually.

Your hair was unbelievable.

Yeah.

I was kind of a, not a jock.

I was like a bandwolder kind of character.

Yeah.

A lot of like, how does this guy go to school?

mischievous.

Yeah.

I've had two court emptying moments in my entire life.

And one of one was like, one was the coolest thing I've ever watched.

And I was a part of it.

But like, I was doing this.

It was an AAU game.

It may have been Springfield Mass or whatever.

We were playing at their college.

And I had this kid on my team named Ratchace.

He ended up, he was a North Rockland high school guy.

I think he played Westchester Community College.

He should have been, he was like a top 1% athlete.

Like, I've never seen a guy that could jump like him, run like him.

And he was only like, six four.

But at the, I remember we went to Springfield

and we visited the Hall of Fame.

And they had these markers of like, vertical leap like Dominique,

Michael Jordan, all this stuff.

And he flat foot jumped and like, pumped the highest one.

Yeah.

It was fucking ridiculous.

High-fiving Will Chamberlain at my foot.

Crazy, crazy leaping ability.

So we were playing a game and I was a point guard.

And I'm like at three quarters court.

And I've never, I went to a high school

where I was both center and point guard.

Six foot one and also like the biggest guy.

And also play point guard.

So like, I had nobody to throw any Allie Ups too

or anything like that.

But so to play with him was like candy store.

Like, let's go.

And I was three quarters of the court.

I threw maybe the worst Allie Ups pass in the history of basketball.

If this is the hoop, like, this is the backboard,

the right angle.

The wall is here.

For the listeners, it was outside the frame.

Like outside the frame and up, like, three quarters of the way up

passed the actual backboard.

And he caught it, I'm probably sweating

so my apologies to the camera, caught it behind his head,

like Kobe and the All-Star game.

Behind his head, dunked it over three outstretched human beings

and the entire court emptied.

Like, he had a major audience emptied onto the court.

It was like the second quarter.

I'm so glad I didn't have that moment in high school

because it would have, you're never going to get it back.

No.

Dude, my friend Shontel got dunked on at fucking,

at Allegheny Community College.

And the next year when we played the same tournament,

they blew up the picture and put it on the door.

That's awesome.

So it was him just like,

Jesus Christ.

He's fucking bag on his neck.

That's awesome.

I think that's the reason I'm a comedian.

Because I had one of the senior year in high school

as a bench warmer, but it was like 6'6'1'70.

Skinny and all I could do was jump.

And the warm-up lines, the dunking line was my...

Yeah.

You were like, Yaka-Pertel.

Yeah, that's so fucking thin.

It's a brutal posterized.

No, I did the posterizing.

Oh.

I got in garbage time and I got a pass on like a fast...

I was a basket hanging for a year.

Yeah, yeah, cherry picking.

As you should.

And I caught it and I like took a step and a half

and just went over this kid who had come running in

and I dunked on him.

No, shit.

And there's video of it

and we've made it a gift.

You can see my dad in the back.

I'm like, oh my God.

Can you send that to me?

I was, yeah.

Did you do the thing?

No, I...

That'll think that existed probably, yeah.

We were too humble to do that at that point.

It was too wide of an awesome.

It was a Catholic university.

Yeah.

I think I did it like this going down the court.

That's great.

It was in a way game so you can't really do it.

Yeah.

But man, they should have cheered either way.

But then I was chasing that high for the rest of the...

My fucking life.

Yeah, for courts.

I don't like that.

I think of what my high for that was.

It was probably like some lame powder day

or some bullshit like that.

Or maybe I got laid.

I hit a game tying three...

Like in a, like a fading game tying three

at the buzzer of the fourth quarter once.

And that's when my team emptied onto the court,

which we were going over time.

We shouldn't have been celebrating that much.

And my friend Kevin launched me in the face.

Like literally was like, boom.

And just like flush jawed me.

And then we lost an overtime.

She's surprised.

Two Tarell Biggs, who was Elton Brand's younger cousin

and he was like an eighth grader on JV.

This is ridiculous.

I do think we have to go to a voicemail.

Sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

I've been yapping.

Sorry voicemail.

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Boys, question for you.

Had something happen to me the other day

that literally made me think of you guys.

So sign up my first kid for three school in the fall,

which is out of local church near our house.

I'm not overly religious with that.

There's nothing to do with this.

So all I know is that there's limited spots.

So I get there early as hell

because Dan and my kids get one.

I'm standing there just kind of making small talk

with his older gentleman, nice guy.

And he makes a comment about back in my day for this.

You would show up and then say the night.

And the world I live in,

that's just an open invitation to start talking

about fucking kids or something.

And it took every ounce of strength I had

to not make some kind of wise crack joke.

It was just a nod of smile.

So my question is, surely you guys being comics

and found yourself in all kinds of positions

where you just were itching to make a zinger

but had to hold back because of the audience.

I'd love to hear about it.

All right guys, appreciate all you do.

Take care, love you.

I think that I still make the zinger

and then I alienate the other.

Because you're not there yet.

You're not there yet.

When you get in a school, like a repeatable school,

when you realize that they're gonna be in the same class

with these people for maybe 12 years.

And then you have to, like I'm in a long term relationship

with some of my son's friends' parents.

It just dawned on me the other day.

And some of them I really love.

And then some of them are like, all right,

this is like a tolerable thing and others I avoid.

I also haven't parented for three weeks.

So I'm like, I forgot what it was like.

I'm like, I don't even, do I have a kid?

You came back to the podcast before even saying a lot.

Here's the advice, whenever you're in a school

and anyone says anything questionable

is this guy deemed this comment to be,

what you need to do is be like, I'm not a pedophile.

You say that as loud as a kid so people can hear you.

Yeah.

I don't want to fuck kids.

I don't even think they're that hot.

Any more.

Yeah, I did.

And so it's probably harder for us like,

I got chemically class rated.

I got begonia now.

So I can go to school.

I got begonia.

It's probably harder for guys like this

to not make that joke than it is for us

since we have the outlet.

Because we have an outlet to,

because I have made the decision

to not tell any joke.

We're all dating in that situation.

I socially, all these people think I'm like fully autistic.

Like they're just like, Mike is as like,

even down the middle as it gets.

He doesn't even really try to be funny.

Have you talked to the guy?

It's a lot of basketball stats.

It's a lot of effective field goal percentage.

Yeah, he's keeping his tears.

Winshares per 48.

And I just, it's like,

because of that exact thing,

I made a couple jokes like early in,

early on my son's schooling.

And I was like, all right, I think that's,

I think that's it for me.

I'm gonna retire from trying to be funny

around these people.

We don't need the parents at the pickup line

to think we're funny, right?

No, I think we're experienced.

I just think that I am rarely the funny guy.

I think people go, you're kind of on a lineup?

Yeah, on a lineup.

Rarely, on a bunch of what I do.

No, but I think I kind of get it out, like I said,

or it's kind of a different side

of my personality that I do.

And yeah, like people, I feel like people are always like,

like the guys that are like the funny dad,

or like the funny guy in the group.

There's kind of no competing with those guys,

even if you're a professional comic.

Yeah, and they're always like, he's not that fun.

Exactly, 100%.

I'm just right now, I'm thinking about

a Adam Curtis documentary about the,

how the fall of communism was actually the end

of the Western Empire.

I'm thinking about the real I have to post in four minutes.

Yeah, exactly.

This is a comedian, but he's always talking

about hyper-normalization.

Yeah.

I don't know, he's never funny to me.

I didn't like that documentary that much.

That is a different, it's a different thing though

to be funny in that like parenting.

Like there is a funny dad, and that's not us.

Like that's, it feels that way too,

because there's dads that really love comedy.

Not every comic is a cut up.

Like it's a totally different personality type.

Which I feel like I am, or I can be,

but not in that, for some reason, my whole worry,

it's the reason, it's a lot, it's the reason

I didn't name my son Michael Jr.

It's because one, I don't want him to wear me

and my name and have my SEO.

For the rest of his life.

This dies with me.

Yeah.

He applies to college, they're like,

oh, what's deep inside the rabbit hole?

Oh yeah, don't worry about it.

There's content about direct energy weapons.

Yeah, it's like, forget it.

Like I can't, I don't even want that.

Yeah, I think that most people are kind of disappointed

to find out what comics are actually like, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

I can be the cut up too, but I have to skip my SSRIs

for about three days, and then I take a dose,

and I'm gonna get into that.

I'm gonna get into that.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go a little manic.

One time I forgot my antidepressants,

and I went inside Interstellar, and I started telling people

it was the most important movie ever made.

I was like, you have to go right now and go see it.