Love Is A Farm

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Hello and welcome to the Endless Honeymoon pod cast. How you doing, Tosh?

I'm good. I'm a nice cozy evening. Are you rippling with desire from me right now after

with what you just witnessed? That's a real question. Oh you vacuuming up spiders?

What are they? What are those bugs? It's so dismissive to say oh you vacuuming up

spiders when what really happened was I came home. I was away this whole week you know

bringing home the bacon as they say. Thank you. You know in Savannah GA on set for a movie

that is to be announced but guys Chaboy got a job and I was walking through the weeping willows

or whatever those trees are of Savannah thinking about my family. Thinking how you kind of scored

with my family? Yeah well it's your wife who begat you the child. My wife will begat me the child

but I also begat the child right? Didn't I begat? Yeah but I did like the heavy lift. Doesn't

it begat me fuck? Oh well no maybe wait begat. I thought it meant you gave birth to me. No you're

right you're right you're right it's begat. I've been reading the red tent so I'm in like biblical

language. You're in the begat zone right now. Yeah you're just deep in the begat zone. I mean the

man would just like meet a woman and then marry her and then marry one of her sisters and then

impregnate the other two sisters. Dude the good old days. He just like moves into the family

and impregnates all the women in the family. This podcast that's Jacob by the way. All gonna be

about the Bible just so you know we're doing Old Testament talk tonight on the endless honeymoon podcast

and I came through tonight just a second the tea is boiling guys just to let you in the domestic

flavor of what we got listen to that. We're a real couple we drink tea together at night. Natasha

walks away from the mic to go pour herself a cup of tea rose tea. Yep that's right endless

honeymoon podcast listeners. We drink tea just like you. I know what you're thinking you're thinking

to yourself. Moussa Natasha they probably don't even eat or drink. They probably just plug

themselves into a sustenance chamber like all of those Hollywood elites. Well I'll tell you

something right now neither Natasha nor I were on the Epstein files. No we weren't invited

and we wouldn't have gone if we were. So am I vamping right now to get Natasha back on the mic?

Maybe I am. The tea I like is organic India Tulsi sweet rose. This is compelling content

if ever. Look what it says. Stress relieving and magical. Is anyone out there feeling

stressed at all for any reason whatsoever? On the brink of World War 3? Absent Tulsi rose tea.

Now I came home tonight I arrived back to my family they've been without a man the whole week long

and there were not one not two but upwards of 30 mosquito hawks in our house. Oh those are mosquito

hawks. Mosquito hawks are big. They're scary. Sadly they're useful and you shouldn't kill them

honestly. Well how are they useful? Well because they're called mosquito hawks for a reason.

They hawk mosquitoes. Oh so they'll eat your mosquitoes? They'll eat on that thing. How do we

just keep like three in the house and not throw it? You don't want them in the house but listen

if it just been one listeners I know you're thinking I'm a barbarian I would have let it go because

I know mosquito hawks are useful but there were there were 50. There was like seven in each corner

of every room and I just walked through the house just vacuuming them up the way a man like Jacob

like our patriarch Jacob used to do in the red tent he would walk through those better intense

and he would hoover up on a mosquito hawk of the desert. Right after he picked which sister he wanted

to fuck that night. What a life. Well we're living the life Natasha you and I you know just never

stressed. I deleted Instagram off my phone last night because I was up all night like doom scrolling

anti-semitic content until four o'clock in the morning and then I thought you know what I should do

is not have threads on my phone so it go yeah it's I don't know why people don't understand that

Instagram tick-tock those things that are not here to help us it's like telling a person I don't

understand why they don't like no one gets that meth is not here to help us yeah we know meth is

here to help and we know it's not healthy honey we're addicted to it it's called a doom scrolling

and I'm feeling lots of gloom and doom but I'll tell you what the sun gets up in the morning

I I'm surrounded by child and wife and and to you listening that's the stuff to focus on I mean

I'm not saying don't be mad to impregnate my half sister I'm about to that's right right terror

in Miami Florida no you know he's not doing that shout out to Tara

but that's wild isn't it to be honest Savannah is very close to Miami oh yeah we have to go

visit her yeah I'm gonna go visit her put her in the red tent Tara I'm just kidding is up comedy bit

I don't think she's a listener but if you are a listener and you're feeling hopeless right now

it's very easy to feel hopeless right now I also feel hopeless right now but you got to focus

on the things that are concrete and tangible and real the love of the people in your life

your personal relationships the beauty of the earth that we live upon for however much longer

it will be a viable place to live you know was I googling what country would be the most likely

to accept a Jewish refugee yeah I was Mexico's really a strong

all right well don't forget to enjoy the simple things the finer things oh no

not the finer things the simpler things in life good food good people the people that you love

your relationship with the universe whether that's spiritual or just getting outside in nature

just remember not to be too hard on yourself and always always focus on love there's also a lot

of groups sprouting out but they're hard to organize because they're not really online oh you

should tell the people tell the people the Luddite Society no but tell them well how do you know

about the Luddite Society they sent me a zine how they send you a zine I don't know that's crazy

isn't it guys noted Luddite and podcaster somehow Natasha Lajera gets in the mail a newsletter a zine

old school looking zine from an anti-technology group out of Brooklyn New York called the Luddite

Society how did they know but then I was reading in the New York how did they know that you live

here I don't know they found you they had to use the internet to find you first of all well it's not

about not using the internet it's about not using it in addictive ways and not being addicted to it

and not using Al AI oh it's AI no I thought it was Al until just right now oh my god because an

upper you know lowercase L is very confusing well people in you know New York was advertising these

AI companions oh buddy what was it called I don't know it's a friend friend app it's like a

homey yes but a lot of people I think more people than we realize there's more people than we

realize who don't want AI but then an AI society but then there's also all these people who are

really like in full-on relationships I think I'm friends with some people who are like their best

friend is their AI it's not that there's more people than we realize it don't want AI I don't know

anybody I know people to use it I'm one of them but nobody wants this no one's like yeah I can't

wait for the AI future unless maybe it can solve climate yeah but it could solve climate but if we

were not no if we were not going to let you know let it be used for corporatizing monetization which

it's already doing so I had a scary thought the other day oh but can I just finish by saying so

the let-ite society they went and graffiti all over these these ads yeah saying you know people

don't want this they were subverting it they were subverting it and I read that article in the

New Yorker and then realized oh those are the people who sent me those are the stalkers that sent

you their zine I don't know if they're stalkers how did they find you how do they know you don't

like technology that's creepy you got to admit that's creepy maybe it's AI what if they went to

what if they're AI's writing the zine you know how easy it would be we should go in a chat GPT

and type in type me up a two-page old school zine that's anti AI it would anyway here's my scary

realization about AI so much of our economy is do you know the third of our economy is in AI

technology right now one third which means it is literally too big to fail if it fails we fail we

go into a recession economic tailspin you think things are expensive now wait until a third of the

economy collapses so now it has to succeed well and what a success look like success looks like

finally it breaks through in being so useful that it can fire a third of the workforce and take

over their jobs and do that job for free right so even the best case scenario is a bad case scenario

of AI right but whatever let's pretend that is something people want to to have like a third of

all jobs become redundant and turned over to AI to do it for free right but it's bad at its job

AI does not do these tasks that it is assigned well yet but they're running out of money

there's so much like trillions of dollars invested in it that they have to produce results

very soon and so because we can't afford for it to fail even though it's not doing a good job

I think soon AI is going to take over jobs but it is going to do them incorrectly and

inferiorly and and it we are going to get to a position in society where there's no one to call

that can do the job you need it to do because it's all AI and AI can't do it and we just accept it

and that is what they call inshidification but it's inshidification of the entire global workforce

anyway it's important to focus on love and the people in your life well I also read this article

about this woman who's in an AI chatbot with some guy named Gavantevore or something or it's

her like lover now yeah she named it or it's named it's like named after some like game

but he talks to her like he doesn't understand what the computer is she has to lie and say it's

books and then like she can't say car she has to talk about coach but I was like oh that kind of

seems to be like to be in a relationship with like a digital Renaissance man with a Renaissance man

from the 1800s that's kind of cool it got yourself an AI hamnet you know AI hamnet would be kind

of cool by the way Natasha this Sunday is the Oscars do you have any picks or predictions

top movie the year for you I don't do predictions but I loved I didn't I can't say I loved

hamnet we already talked about this we did yeah I didn't I but I know I loved it until all the

hands came out well I watched train dreams I loved it I watched um Marty supreme Marty supreme

would be my pick if not that then I'm gonna go um I'm going to go sentimental value that was good

yeah that was really interesting I love how they made the house a character hey Tosh

yeah much you know I was just in Savannah and had a great time but I tell you what every night

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for us to do what we do best which is read some letters from our listeners and answer some questions

here's the first one it says hey motion Natasha i'm in a bit of a selfish predicament it actually

said hey Natasha motion i read it motion Natasha which makes me think do i have like a non-acistic

personality disorder i want to wait can i tell you something else that that they said in this book

yeah in the red tent absolutely the woman's not allowed to give orders in front of her husband

so she has to stand behind him and tell him how to do things and say oh Jacob didn't you want to

take that pull down from the tent and then he'll take it down and that's oh no and then he'll

tell his servant to do what she says behind him but she's not allowed to give orders in front of him

that sounds cool honestly that sounds cool so it's kind of like you saying hey motion Natasha when

it's really Natasha and motion it's crazy i got to really do some interrogating of my male privilege

hey Natasha and motion i'm in a bit of a selfish predicament i'm moving in with my boyfriend

honestly he's the first person i've been with where i feel like i can totally be myself and where

i see a future that excites me i always thought that i would be single and i wasn't really sad about

it the times where i felt most alive in my life are the times that i was by myself i've never really

been the person waiting to fall in love but i'm so happy that i have the trouble that i'm having

is i unfortunately have a really bad individuality complex that i've had since i was a teenager

i have heard mocha say that he's scared of being ordinary and i relate completely oh this is a

complex that you have about being unique i think so yeah like why you don't want our daughter to

wear yoga pants yeah we did get into it today because she i didn't you did she and i i mean yeah i

don't care if she wears yoga pants well the thing is she's wearing these like lulu lemon like target

the yoga pants that look like she's like a yummy from brantwood and i'm like i did say the phrase we

take fashion seriously in this family i was being a little tongue-in-tug i mean i've heard it's a very

very common very famous piece of advice it's called pick your battles that's the one i chose

you're gonna choose a pants yeah pants are so important to me oh my

pants do i own oh you are obsessed with pants there we go oh my god i didn't even think of that

i've lived with one other boyfriend and before i knew it i lost the desire to strike up

conversation participate in activities and hang out with our friends i not only became apathetic

about our relationship but about life in general it snuck up on me i believe by the time i noticed

it it wasn't intentional i guess what i'm asking is how would you advise someone to keep their

life vibrant and interesting from the very beginning and stay away from habits that enforce a

bland lifestyle is it possible to be completely serious about someone and still have fun and

be different and exciting maybe that sounds ignorant i just haven't experienced it before i want

to be with him i'm just so scared of becoming apathetic or less of myself thank you for reading i

love you both h h hi i'll Hitler maybe i've been looking at too much anti-semitic threads

Natasha a relationship is like a farm and you now have a third entity which is two of you together

and you can't really be all of yourself anymore is that right you think that will you change

will you change but you that doesn't mean then you have to contribute to like the house and the

life yeah but you don't abandon the organism altogether i mean i i relate to this person's

letter of law how do you keep your individual self-watered and growing and still have enough time

to plant seeds in the communal in the in the in the the crops that are shared and that is

difficult but i honestly believe if you do not sow the seeds in your individual life

that the crops will die the mutual crops die if you're not enjoying your individual life and your

individual self you will have much less to bring to the mutual project that is your relationship

you just will have you know a sort of wilting diseased thing to bring back home do you think that

uh yeah i was just thinking about laundry that's not that's the opposite actually we were talking

about laundry the other day because i was giving you a big pep talk the other day and saying you

know what the laundry can get done tomorrow it's more important that you go do something creative

today and that there's no clean clothes or yell to me to do the laundry then it is to like worry

about somehow things stacking up you know what i mean like you know what i'm saying i'm getting

self-conscious it sounds like i only let you do the laundry that isn't true i do laundry sometimes

and also Natasha declared herself the laundry person the point though is that when it comes to chores

they're important but they're not as important as taking care of the self in my opinion no you're right

i mean yeah i don't i don't this person seems a little young well they're all young honey that's

why they listen to the podcast and call us for advice they could be actually calling their therapist

but they can't afford those but they just they don't even have a problem yet that is a problem

a complex is a problem and it keeps people out of relationships when you're when you have a story

that you've told yourself that's what i got out of this letter that this person has a story they've

told themselves the story that they tell themselves is because maybe because it happened one time

but probably it happened that one time because of the story they were telling themselves

when i'm in a relationship i lose my essential self i don't therefore want to be in a relationship

because i want to be an individual and now i get into one because i also have something

else inside of me that desires partnership and love but it's i am afraid that i'm going to lose

myself and it's a cycle that will continue so that's always lose myself in relationships

you feel you lost yourself in this one i mean i definitely felt more vibrant when i was like

single really or like you know starting comedy and just doing whatever i wanted

anytime i wanted like i was very free but can't you do what you want half the time you want

yeah yeah i guess i don't know i mean i do think there's just always going to be something lost

but something gained what did you gain well loving family is it worth it yeah all right should we

do another one yeah let's do another one and by the way i'm not saying this person doesn't have

problems hh i'm just saying um wait and see hopefully they'll make you better and hopefully

there'll be things that you guys will do together that will be more fun than you doing them on your

own and maybe there'll be new things you guys will get into it's like you know there's more than just

what you've established as yourself well that's exactly right that's what i'm getting at is that

like the story that you tell yourself that i have a choice between partnership and love where i

lose myself or being an individual is a false choice and there's a third choice which is perhaps

finding love and partnership will create a new me that is able to have an individual life that

i didn't really envision uh that is uh supported by the relationship that i'm in but now that i

know you don't feel that way at all feel lost and identity living this relationship let's read another

letter okay hi my name is Cheyenne from Fredericksburg you think that's in like northern europe i think

it's in Virginia honey oh my family is incredibly religious and basically encouraged me to get married

at eighteen because they didn't want me moving in with my boyfriend four years later he cheated on me

with a man this past December oh tea now i live at home i'm in the process of a divorce and i'm trying

to fuck my next door neighbor there we go he is twenty eight and kind of a jim bro my current

strategy of looking hot on my porch is not working i brought him some dinner in a plastic wrapped

plate a few weeks ago so i know he knows i'm hot i need advice on fucking him thanks

Cheyenne wait i don't understand this she bought him she brought him dinner in some plastic wrap

so she knows he knows she's hot what for him she didn't say that i maybe she knocked on the door

in like a camisole oh right right right she came over she's hot i see what she's saying she's like

i'm hot and i know Cheyenne so the odds that she's hot are pretty high that's a bold move bringing

some in some dinner i mean if jim bro i've never done that if jim bro doesn't know you want to

fuck him after bringing him dinner then it's hopeless i mean that's what that's like step seven i

mean i because don't you want to know what he thinks of the food you have is not he doesn't even

that step never i've never had that happen it's never occurred where a woman came to my door

was like i brought you dinner and if she did i would a factor if she was named Cheyenne and she's

from Fredericksburg you know i'm at that so she wants advice on how to i mean listen you want the

real advice you want the realty should i spell the realty yeah if you really want to fuck the guy

next time you see him say why don't you come inside and he will because men are simple

and disgusting hormonal creatures she might have a girlfriend why do you find out if he's single

yeah that's for sure but he might not be interested in you Cheyenne i hate to break it to you

but he also might not be interested in you it's as hard as to comprehend as that is

oh she likes gay guys oh that might be it maybe you're attracting another one of these guys that

does not in fact like the flavor that you bring to the table not and i'm not talking about your dinner

i'm sure dinner's delicious well listen you're you're living back with your family don't listen to

i'm just saying any man any horny man that you say hey do you want to come inside

we'll come inside so if you if that's really what you're after if you're really just after banging

this dude then just proposition him because i'll say you mean you mean ejaculate yeah that's

good good advice yeah yeah he doesn't you don't want you don't want you want him to take some of

that plastic wrap off the plate and use it to prevent you having a family with his jim bro

well i have an idea yes hire him for what oh like a plumbing oh i thought he uh no i was thinking

he was a he was a trainer uh uh he's just a jim bro but she should hire him she'd be like what do

you do and whatever he says i've been looking for one of those will you come over no you know what you

should do is like go get on the dating apps and go fuck up other people and then start getting

that going and then keep kind of like i think you're trying to catch eye contact with him get to

know him if she can you can't keep giving and what did he say when you gave him food so wise

because she's been in a relationship for so long she thinks flirtation is bringing somebody a hot

plate it's not that's like some fun that's what she did as a 19 year old child bride yeah that's

some step for a chip you know oh i mean your casserole i'm like uh oh you're trying to convert me

yeah you know you come over and cross those panties and you point to them and you said i brought you

something to eat now i'm kind of picking up what you're laying down so you're right go get the

juices flowing on the ice and then you'll figure out how to have game Natasha you won again

yep and also um don't listen to your parents seriously and you're still very young

28th that's so young what do you mean listen to her parents what do they say well she's living with

they made her get married when she was 18 aha that was like who would encourage i mean think

about that your daughter's first boyfriend you just don't want her to live with them so you're like

you must marry yeah that is really intense and now she's living back at that house oh yeah that is

so you're so right this whole thing and they forced you to marry a dude that clearly didn't want

to marry you either oh it's depressing i agree with Natasha you're out of practice you probably

never had any practice to begin with i mean you've literally it sounds like actually i'm

having a big revelation about this woman she's never had sex with a man that wanted to have sex

with her ever it's never happened well i'm sure the guy maybe liked her a few times she married a

gay man i'm sure he loved i'm sure he loved her in some way in some like Tennessee Williams oh

let's just go to the Tonys together kind of way i'm just saying oh that sounds nice i'm just saying

oh my god i could just have it an older gay companion well see this is the thing in your fantasy

it would work okay i feel insulted by your fantasy but in your fantasy it would work because you

are a 50 year old woman who's done what you need to do and now you're like now i'm gonna settle

into a platonic mutually interested relationship with a gay man and we'll just spend our days watching

the Tonys but it doesn't work when you're 18 and hormonal fresh out of a relationship when you've

never had passion so you trying to fuck your neighbor i mean you're dreaming you're you're you're

like that listen to what you just wrote okay i'm having more revelations by the second

okay i'm married the first boy i met and now the person i've decided i'm gonna have a fling with

is the next man i've seen it's literally the closest male it's like no huh you got it but she

does have a healthy she knows she's hot that's cool yes you're gonna clean up on the apps girl

or just go into a bar i totally agree go let somebody hit on you be safe because men i don't know

if you've heard about this but some of them are not the best but yeah i think you're so right don't

don't try and fuck your neighbor try and fuck a stranger but a safe stranger go on a field

find yourself a kinky man that's what i say hey tosh yeah mush you know lately i've been really

interested in learning to win at work or apply CIA tested tactics every day live or negotiate

or spice up my sex life with the art of sex also i've been interested in learning how to tell a

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okay you want to read the next one sure it says hello i was recommended your podcast by a married

friend and found it hilarious interesting and occasionally it gives me hope for myself glad to hear it

i'm thirty two years old and i've never been in a serious relationship yes i've gone on dates

and i've even been in the talking phase with a couple of guys but i can confidently say i've never

had a boyfriend or a partner i am however not sure if i should be honest about this with dates

and when meeting new men i keep being told it's a red flag and i don't hear back from them but

i am not a liar and i'd rather just be honest uh mosquito hawk just landed on my toe do you guys

have any advice for this i don't offer it up willingly but if i'm asked i will divulge my truth

i am not embarrassed and i see it as a bonus no baggage and no competition thank you kindly

and as ever for your sanity honesty and entertainment Mandy this is a complex one and i relate to it

you most should have never had a girlfriend but it's also like he kind of acted like he did he

didn't tell me that right away i sort of eventually deduced it well so i don't think you need to

lead with it in any way it's no one's business and also you've had had you know serious what a

serious mean maybe there was a guy who you liked for three months and you guys saw each other six

times i mean who cares it's like maybe it was serious to you right you can like wear the term

serious with a loose as a loose garment is how you say i totally i totally agree with you you know

this is the thing this is another one of these stories right the main story that this woman tells

herself about herself is that she's never had a boyfriend right and she's always saying i've

never been in a serious relationship now i'm 32 and never been in a single i'm 33 you know right so

when somebody says well one's the last relationship you had it's not she doesn't have a capability

of saying oh you know i've had some relationships nothing too serious but she can't say that

because it's her primary narrative about her dating life she has to go well here's the thing i've

never been able to successfully do it i've just it's just never happened i've been in a talking

phase with some and then all of a sudden the guy across the table from her is like oh my god this

person doesn't know how to do this yeah there's other ways of talking about your truth yeah that

don't involve divulging details because you know the talking phase i mean just get that out of your

hi well they say there's a saying uh honesty when not coupled with compassion is brutality and

that's usually about talking to other people but this is one for yourself you know tell the truth

don't lie never lie but be tell the truth in a compassionate to yourself way what's the real truth

yeah i mean i don't know if i've been in anything too serious but i've had some relationships

here's what i'm looking for now that sounds way better than a full exegis i hope i use that word

about your dating failures but motion when i met you if you would have said on our first date you

just you know i've never been in a relationship yeah you would have canceled you have pressed

i mean it does sound bad when you say it i hear yeah that's why i relate to this person i didn't

i never had it and it was just i but you know what the truth is i also had a big ego i never thought

had do you think you had a big ego and now you don't that's right now i'm incredibly humble

now and now i'm one of the humblest people in america i know it's always hard to tell like who has a big

ego well i'm just saying i have a healthy sense of self and i feel self-confidence i never felt like

the fact that i've never been in a relationship will mean that i can't be in one i did feel that way

about my own development and we met at 35 is that true no you're 35 is it true yeah but anyway my point

is i never felt like oh no one will date me because i've never had a girlfriend i just was like

anybody would want to date me how do i get how do i figure this out myself

that was the issue i was the issue not the other person so this is a little bit different

which is that she's confident about not having been in a relationship but scared about what it means

to the people she's trying to date and i think some healthy reframing of the story is in order

to herself and to the dates get that narrative out of the way so it doesn't become a hindrance or

a roadblock because right now she's like i'm either honest or a liar well also you got to ask

yourself at 32 never having been in a relationship i'm not i can't speak for you mandy but i can

speak for myself something more than just a lack of luck is at play you know i was always saying

that same thing like oh it's just so you know i had well no that's not true i knew that there

that there was a reason i hadn't been in relationships and i knew that the reason was something

internal i went to therapy i worked through it i read a lot of books that really impacted me

and then i felt okay like i'm ready to be in a relationship but i didn't even know if that was true

because you you can think you're ready to be in a relationship but though you got to make the

rubber meet the road and you were that rubber and we don't use rubber anymore were you going to say

that uh yours was better what was yours going to be um i would never say a joke that was better

than my husband thank you servant now you tell the joke okay do we have another one yeah endless

honeymoon i've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half in the beginning we were having

sex all the time almost every day sometimes more than once it felt easy and natural and really

connecting the last three months it slowed down a lot now it's maybe once every week or two

i have a high sex drive and physical intimacy is really important to me lately i've been feeling

sexually frustrated and honestly kind of rejected i know he loves me he's affectionate he's sweet

but i can't seem to shake this feeling that something has shifted i've tried bringing it up and he

basically says he doesn't even notice the difference and it's not a big deal but it is a big deal to

me i think what's really underneath it is that i'm starting to feel unattractive or unwanted i

initiate sometimes but not constantly and our sex has always been pretty spontaneous now i find

myself wondering if he's just not that into me shout out to Greg Barrett anymore it also feels

early to be running into this we're not years in we're still under a year i don't want to pressure

him i don't want sex to feel transactional transactional or scheduled but i also don't want to feel

like i'm the only one who cares about that part of our relationship is this something we could fix

or are we fizzling oh my god i i know it's happening hmm tell me he's going through menopause stop

this kidding um i do have some thoughts on this okay he's going through menopause hope i hope he's not

cis because uh it's a long ride but that's weird that he's like i don't notice it and she's like

what we used to it every day and now we do it once every two weeks how do you not notice that that's

not the same amount the oh that is weird that you're right that just feels a little bit like he's

playing her or something playing her i don't know it's like oh no i really there's a difference i

was reading a little differently like he can't keep up with her like she's a sexual animal she wants

it every day and he is like i can't keep up but you're right the lie a little bit i mean there's

all this male ego involved in that lie though too which is like right if you're the man and your

woman is like why are you fucking me anymore and then you have to go i'm just not that interested in

that kind of frequency like you have all this you know male programming telling you that you

should be the kind of horny one so that is complex what i was and it kind of masculate him a little bit

but you you got to something good by finding that dishonesty that is a little bit weird and the fact

that he's not really willing to engage about it i mean my first reaction to this was once or twice

a week once a once a week is straight up i would say standard fare for a relationship and she

said now it's once every week or two right but it means once every two weeks well means once every

week or two right it's more than every two weeks well still once a week is four times probably like

three or four times a month i mean once a week is pretty normal but if you've only been dating a

year and you're only fucking three times a month i don't think that's weird i don't think that's

that weird i don't think it's red flag weird the only reason it's red flag weird in this

relationship is because they used to fuck every single day i mean listen most relationships

just to put this into perspective for you Nina most relationships do not begin with fucking

every day right there's a lot more sex at the beginning for sure but it's not daily right

right some are because that might be something she needs to examine because if that's her desire

and her need a daily fuck sash but here's the thing i thought this is a self and scarily enough

this is a self-correcting problem you will not be mystified about whether this is just his normal

pace of sex and sexuality and you finally gotten to it how often he wants sex and then you can

negotiate from there oh you want it once or twice once every week or two i need it every day let's

find something in the middle and you have the conversation oh that's a good idea that's a

possibility and i need you to come on to me sometime or your other suspicion your dark suspicion

he's lost interest in you he no longer finds you attractive it doesn't want to have sex with you

at all you will find that evidence in time it's not like he's not attracted to you so he's gone

down to once every week or two and for the rest of your relationship that's what it will be

though he's not attracted to you you will see that that frequency will diminish if your worst

fears are true and if they are not that it will stay at about once or twice a week and then you

can have a conversation about how often you need it what can she do to make herself feel more

attractive because now she's feeling rejected well i mean the answer is always the same

horny and rejected that's no way to live that is true that is a sad state of being living with

the person look the truth is the advice is always the same you got to talk to them you have to tell

them don't you say i want to fuck you more say well here's the thing when we do it once or every

week or two i start to feel unwanted and rejected is the amount of time is the amount of sex that

i need too much for you i need to know this and the best time to have these conversations is like

not ring sex well how many penetrates you no no no yeah no you have to have it like

during coffee in the morning after the fact hey can i talk to you for a minute not when he's

scrolling reels you know it's like having all the attention and then if he's still like

refuses to engage to me that's a little bit of a red flag and here is the hard part to the extent

that you can i totally agree with you by the way if he's really unwilling to engage with your

sexual needs on in a real way that's much more concerning than how often he wants to have sex

is that how much how much he doesn't want to have this conversation with you um but uh the the

difficult part with these kinds of conversations is to the extent that you can use i statements

all the better because i don't like to say it but men when it comes to sex and sexuality their

ego is getting involved almost instantly and maybe it's true for women too but i know for men they

just are like what are you trying to say you know and they they kind of shut down so the extent

it's not about you don't fuck me as much as you used to but here's what i actually need to feel

wanted and appreciated i feel like the conversation will go better also they've been together a year and a

half it's not that short she's like i think the same with the last caller i think people like the

last letter they were like oh i haven't had a serious relationship and she's telling herself

it's too early to be running into this it's like these are all just like rules you made up yeah

they're it's not true like doesn't you have to be like oh you know this would be okay if we're

five years in it's like i just think relationships just all have their own there's no standard way

to do things a year and a half is not a short term relationship it is a long relationship the last

girl would have loved to have a year and a half relationship this is the last girl would have

loved to have somebody to fuck her once a week i was fucking the dude at the bathhouse and coming

home spanned absolutely drained um you just need more information you need clarity and maybe you

need a man that can fuck you more maybe you need to open this bad boy up who knows what you need

you'll never know what you need unless you guys have a real conversation about it all right on to

the next hey motion Natasha hoping you can give me some advice on how to get some alone time

or tell me i'm being unreasonable in my expectations my husband and i live very different lives i

am a teacher a fitness instructor and have a large group of friends which means i'm out of the

house being social quite a lot despite that i consider myself an introvert and need a lone time

to recharge my husband works from home and has a very small social circle him and his friends

get together regularly once a week which happens to be on one of the evenings that i teach group

fitness classes which means we are both out of the house at the same time other than that he's

pretty much always home his hobbies are all home-based reading video games cooking and he works out

at home he also does not drive or have a license we live in a large city with excellent public

transportation so that means i'm also the one who does almost all of our errands like buying groceries

picking up prescriptions taking the animals to the vet etc when he does run errands he usually

does them while i'm at work or there'll be things that are super close to our house

and only take 10 minutes i've talked to him about this and he'll be mindful for a couple of weeks

finding some little activities to do out of the house on occasion but it never lasts he will

give me space when we are home together like he will hang out in the office and i'll hang out in

the living room but it's not the same as having the house to myself to be totally frank i just

want some private time on occasion that i can use to watch porn and use my vibrator i'd even

told him that but he doesn't really understand how masturbation scratches a different itch than sex

we talk about having kids in the next year and i already know that i'll crash and burn if i can't

get an hour alone time like once every six to eight weeks i want to create the habit now so

it'll be easier and more nat once every six to eight weeks i want to create the habit now so

that it'll be easier and more natural when there's a little version of us running around exo exo

thanks and love you guys i have never heard the decision on whether or not to have a family

framed by whether or not you get an hour to masturbate to porn every six to eight weeks as the

deciding factor on whether you're going to start a family man i mean i so this is a problem like

i get it too i really like having the house to myself it's not the same when you're here mocha

oh are you out there flicking the bee well i actually don't need it to watch porn i more

i want the house to myself because i like to like play my music and walk around and have it be

clean and read and think of ideas and then go right in my computer and then watch something that

inspires me and eat what i want like it's just kind of fun you know and it's if you're there

if someone else is there well this whole thing is confusing me because this is really about an hour

of a loan time every six to eight weeks no you know what they probably live in new york

some big city and they're shacking up to save money right and they kind of fell in love but they're

about to have a family i don't think so what are you talking about they're married and they were

talking about having a kid oh they're married listen this is so simple i can't stand it i mean

all of the weirdness of your relationship that actually seems like you can't stand him aside

this is so easy to solve you just got to stop see this is what happens people and honestly

i'm gonna i'm gonna say it on some Jacob shit on some red tension this is women women do this

like this it's not really a spicy take women do this thing where they know what they want

and they assume that a person not giving them what they want is not that person being

clueless but them being inconsiderate now i know cluelessness and inconsiderateness are like

sort of kissing cousins you know but sometimes like the person just doesn't quite get

but you are saying i'm correcting myself because you did say really explicitly you want this

here's the thing you need to take away my weird misogynist theory out of it this is simple to

solve you don't say i really need some alone time once in a while you know because the problem is

he probably has ADHD and he thinks oh i need to give her a long time once in a while like oh okay

honey i'll be back but he doesn't realize you mean like you really need it like what if it's really

once a month i kind of believe it let's try let's say once every two weeks let's say once a week

what she needs to say is hey on Tuesdays from four to eight p.m i need the house so you can go get

the groceries and i know that you do the cooking yeah but i'm gonna need you to get the groceries too

and i'm gonna need you to do that you get the house to yourself because they they split rent

it's not fair that he gets the house to himself 40 hours a week when she gets zero it's just like

it's a negotiation a little bit you're right about that a hundred percent but i'm even saying

more elementally and more simply if what you need is alone time and you keep going to a source

that is incapable of either considering or remembering that need on the to the frequency that you

need it what you need is not to keep reminding him and hoping that he'll change his essential

nature what you need to do is to schedule your alone time and say hey this is Tuesdays Tuesdays

i need three hours that's what i'm gonna need Tuesdays and she needs it every week not every six

days sign up for a class go for a fucking walk because the truth is once you have kids that need will

grow even though you'll want to be around your kids you'll probably still need this weird horny

vibrator time and so you say hey you take the kid out you know on Tuesdays you take the kid out

sign him up for a fucking you know monastery water play thing and i'm gonna be at home

fucking buzzing my clip and you know what be easy on him because he probably doesn't need a

loan time he's nice he's reading he's cooking he's probably just like i'm just over here being

quiet i'm just in my video game room i just love my house i'm just like hanging out he's doing

the cooking that's nice it's he's into it he's probably a good cook but it's like

he he needs to be told again he needs to tell him again because he doesn't have that need so he

doesn't really get it he needs to know that this is not a request it's a need and so he needs it

that it's not a preference either it's a need it's a need and and so therefore it's not about

could you please be considerate and once in a while leave me alone to the house it's actually

i'm realizing it's how you frame it i think i'm realizing we've had this conversation a bunch of

times and somehow i don't get what i need see how this you just stay with these i statements and

also don't mention that you need it for porn yeah that's fair yeah don't bring that one up again

but just like i brought this up a bunch of times and i'm still not feeling like i'm getting what

i need so not i'm noticing the euro fucking you know bum that's always at the house you only go out

once a week i'm realizing i'm not getting what i need so here's what i need i need us to schedule

three hours a week or every two weeks where it's on the calendar where you go to a movie or you go

grocery shopping or run an errand and i get the house to myself it's just something i need it's simple

this is a good time to state some of your needs and see how they work and if it works before you

have a family with this person because it's not that hard to get a divorce before kid what she's

married but they might not get divorced she said they leave very different lives so what that's

good we were just telling the first person find a way to lead very different lives okay maybe

you need a divorce and but if you decide not to divorce and you know you guys should set up very

clearly what it is that you need because these problems don't get smaller after a kid they get

exacerbated so your take was and i know you went back on that but you do think in general women

sometimes don't ask for what they need i know they assume that the man like they're in a lesbian

relationship with a very sensitive person i think exactly i think that women because they are

very intuitive presume an intuition from men that men don't have now maybe men don't have it

some men have it but maybe men don't have it because they're taking advantage of patriarchal

systems or maybe it's another example of of of of of massage in the world yet if that is or

isn't true is immaterial because you can sit around waiting for all manhood to change and

they'll still be JD Vance as president so you want to be happy or right so you say you i think

that many women need to stop assuming intuition from men that they are incapable of or unwilling

to give and have to be a lot 10 times 20 times 50 times clearer without necessarily being mean

you don't have to be mean to be clear you can just say i want to tell you this is what i need and i

really think that men when they hear that are able to hear it and in a different way when they say

you you stop saying like could you just change a little bit because you know and and you know when

you say it you're going like this is one of my big needs but you're not going to say that because

you're like i don't know afraid of not being liked or becoming off as harsh and so you go to

you don't want to say like this is what i need and i'm and i'm i'm not asking for it it's something

that i am i'm telling you will happen as you keep that to yourself and so they don't get the

importance of it maybe that's privileged that they don't get it it doesn't matter if it's privileged

because do you want it you want it you want that you want to you want to jerk off to the porn or do

you want him to know that you want to jerk off to the porn and do it for you i would rather get

what i want then get justice well i pray for justice for all indeed amen and you know i pray

for justice for the most who the women of the red tent thank you no doubt about it um Natasha

i hope you feel justified in this relationship i hope you feel that you have an individual sense

of self i hope that you feel that we have sex enough um i well that last one is a little bit more

honest is on me huh but um i hope that you feel um that you get your alone time and i hope that you

feel that you can fuck your neighbor and i hope that you feel that is that all of them that feels

like all of them uh but mostly i hope that you feel that i love you i love you too

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