Magnificent Montague - Agnes Quits

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the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope,

by your local Ford dealer,

who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford,

the car that's built for the years ahead.

And by RCA Victor, world leader in radio,

first in recorded music, first in television.

In 30 minutes, you will hear Duffy's tavern,

but now it's Radio's newest comedy show,

The Magnificent Montague.

The Magnificent Montague's starring,

Mathe Wolley.

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And now for the Magnificent Montague,

this former monarch of the Shakespearean stage,

who has now sunk to radio as Uncle Goodheart

of an afternoon program.

As usual, it is morning in the Montague apartment.

Agnes and Lily are awaiting his first

grand appearance of the day.

His arrival at the breakfast table.

Good morning, Agnes.

Coffee, here you are, honey.

Oh, thank you, Agnes.

Is the thing up yet?

You mean Edwin?

I don't mean Guy Lombardo.

Really, Agnes can't you refer to my husband

at any other way, but the thing?

Honey, I've spent 25 years trying to figure out a way to describe him.

He always comes out the thing.

Agnes, that's silly.

Silly? Is he a stage actor?

No, he's in radio.

Is he in radio?

No, he won't admit he sunk that low.

Is he human?

No, he's a beast.

Is he a beast?

No, he's a jerk.

Agnes, please remember he's my husband.

There must be some way of getting you a purple heart.

Agnes, for me, will you please make an effort to get along with Edwin?

Get along.

Honey, you're looking at a broad who's fighting for a life.

Agnes, it isn't that bad.

The minute he gets up in the morning, it's the law of the jungle.

But Agnes, if you're a little more tolerant with him, I'm sure he'll unbend.

Honey, for 10 years I've been wearing pointed shoes just waiting for him to bend.

Agnes, sweetheart.

Now remember, Edwin's going through a mental strain trying to keep it a secret

that the magnificent monogue of the legitimate theater is in radio.

And Uncle Goodheart, at that, not trying to get along with him,

just once.

Will you say good morning to him?

Good morning.

Okay, honey, for you.

Oh, good.

You'll be out any minute.

It's almost time for his morning vocal exercises.

Here we go, roaming the hill.

I roam the hills.

I roam the...

Low here, the gentle log.

Agnes, go ahead.

Ah.

Good morning, Mr. Monogue.

What was that?

Edwin, Agnes was saying good morning.

Is that what that sound was?

I thought the city was widening the street.

Edwin, Agnes, bring his breakfast.

See what I mean, honey. It's dog-eat-dog.

Dog, good. What a welcome change from her usual breakfast.

Edwin, this can't go on.

Agnes is making an effort to get along with you.

Agnes, serve him his breakfast.

Here it comes, my morning, boat with Lucretia Borgia.

How do you want your eggs?

Sonny, side-up or in your face?

All right, Ms. Tomane.

Scat back to your garbage can.

Edwin don't.

She's trying to be nice.

Here's your eggs, Mr. Monogue.

See, Edwin?

She called you Mr. Monogue.

Must you make it sound like a dirty word?

Here, Edwin, eat your eggs.

God, what a messy sight.

Just because the eggs were laid by a plymoth rock,

must they look as if a pilgrim just pulled his foot out of them?

Look, they're just eggs.

I buy them fry them and serve them.

From there on, take it up with a chicken.

Edwin, eat your eggs.

What's wrong now?

Nothing like this.

Congratulations, you discovered a new plastic.

Really gets a load of the toast.

Yes.

Here's your toast, Mr. Monogue.

Stand back, honey.

Mammies little baby loves buttered shingles.

You take these clickers away.

No, no, they're just a little brown.

Brown?

This toast is so badly burnt.

I'm sure I can collect insurance on it.

All right, Agnes, this coffee.

Here, I'm afraid it's still hot.

Thank you.

Well, Edwin, what's the matter?

Lily, don't touch that coffee.

Have it analyzed.

Oh, Edwin, stop being so picky.

So what if the coffee happens to be a might strong?

Lily, I don't mind strong coffee,

but I do not like it when it comes out of the cup swinging.

I don't know what he's beefing about.

He likes the coffee yesterday and it's the same grounds.

Edwin, you have a broad curse today.

You can't go hungry.

Hungry?

The minute I look at that dirty apron,

she's wearing my appetite's gone.

Dirty apron?

My dear Agnes, let's face it.

There are more nutritious vitamins on your apron

than I've had all month.

Maybe you want me to serve your breakfast in my silk kimono.

The one that says golden gloves on the back?

No, stop it.

No, stop it both of you.

Why are we wasting all this time with his breakfast?

Why don't I just go into his bedroom every morning

with a whip in a chair and throw my hunk at me?

Oh, please spare me the sight of you when I first opened my eyes.

Those hair curlers on that flat head,

you look like a roof full of television aerials.

Why you?

You think?

You think?

You heard me.

Yet ever so humble,

there is no place like Iwo Jima.

Edwin, these fights every morning can't go on.

Oh, I'm glad you come to realize it.

Agnes has to go.

Oh, let's not go through that again.

Lily, Agnes is a maid.

She's supposed to cook and clean.

Now, Edwin, Agnes is very neat.

Very neat.

Have you been in my dam recently?

Well, I'm not asking you to take that dirt away.

But if she'd only plow it once in a while.

Edwin, you know how you are?

She's afraid to go into your den.

So am I.

It's becoming a game, preserve.

Edwin, stop being ridiculous.

Lily, I'm serious. She's ruining my health.

Oh, but Agnes has been with us for 25 years.

And she was my wardrobe woman before that.

We can't just turn Agnes out into the streets.

We certainly can.

Although, frankly, I'd rather wait until there was a blizzard.

No, Edwin, I won't permit it.

While Agnes is our good luck piece.

All right.

Then let's nail her over the door like a horseshoe.

Lily, I can't stand it anymore.

Either she goes or I go.

And when maybe we can work it out?

No, that's my decision. Get rid of her.

Well, after all these years, how can I do this?

Give her a year's salary. Anything.

I ain't going into my den.

I want this apartment to be Agnes less.

Agnes.

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Hi, honey.

Agnes, um, sit down.

I'd like to talk to you.

Is Blue Bear gone?

No, he's in the den.

Agnes, um, we've been together a long time.

Haven't we?

Yeah.

We had a lot of laughs, too, before you went and fell for Count Dracula.

Remember that stock company in Cincinnati?

That guy playing Hamlet, making a play for you.

He sure was a pest.

Until I put itching powder in his tight.

And remember what happened to the scenery in Omaha?

Please, honey, no more.

You're just making it tougher for me.

Tougher for you?

Yeah.

I've been trying to put it off, but I can't.

Why, Agnes, what is it?

Honey, don't try and talk me out of it.

I'm quitting.

I'm leaving before I become another notch in his cane.

A notch in his cane?

Yeah, didn't you ever notice them four notches in his cane?

One for every person he's given a nervous breakdown, too.

I'm getting while they're getting good.

But Agnes, where would you go?

Any place where I can relax like a snake pit.

I'm all packed.

I'm leaving before I can change my mind.

Right away?

Yeah, honey.

You know, I wish I had one more chance to fix a meal for him.

I got an idea for a casserole that it'd make you a free woman.

Oh, Agnes.

Oh, miss you, so.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll keep in touch with you.

So long, honey.

Goodbye, Agnes.

Did I hear the front door slam?

Was that wonderful, wonderful sound Agnes making her final exit from my life?

Yes, sir.

Agnes is gone.

She went of her own accord.

That's too bad.

I was hoping we'd have to use force.

Edward, how can you say things like that?

Hallelujah, Agnes is gone.

Look.

The sun is shining through the dirty windows.

Listen, my heart is seeing.

I'm a boy again.

Kiss me, Lele.

Oh, Edward, Agnes has gone.

All it took was getting Agnes out of the house.

I'm a new man.

Here's your coat, little sunbeam.

You have to get your radio broadcast.

Now for a wonderful afternoon with my good friends and colleagues at the radio station.

Lily, I never liked to mention my competitors,

but life can be beautiful.

Well, look, Sinsa.

You're the director of the Uncle Goodheart program.

It's your duty to tell him.

Mr. Springer, you're the producer.

It's up to you to tell Mr. Monogu.

Now, Sinsa, just come out and tell him that in today's program,

Uncle Goodheart befriends a homeless air day.

And the sponsor insists he work with a live dog.

A live dog he doesn't even like to work with live people.

Mr. Springer, I have a wife and four children.

You tell him.

I'll just tell him the air day.

I'll lick his face a few times and he kisses it back.

Oh, no.

Sinsa, you're a coward.

Mr. Springer, I've never denied that.

Please, you tell him.

I do it, Sinsa, but I just get into another argument with him.

He never argues with you.

I know.

He just hits me.

Now, look, Sinsa.

Here he comes.

Now, you tell him about the dog.

Oh, Mrs. Hinsa, good afternoon.

Don't hit me.

Hits you.

Sinsa, my friend, I'm only holding out my hand to shake yours.

Oh, yeah?

And my dear friend, Mr. Springer.

How are you?

Fine, fine.

A little busy.

Mr. Sinsa, we'll explain a few minor points about today's Uncle Goodhark program.

Well, don't rush, all Springer.

Well, Sinsa, what have you implies for your old uncle to do this afternoon?

Wow.

Tell him.

Mr. Monica, it's the sponsor's idea.

A friendless air dayle comes to your cottage and you take him in.

But naturally, Uncle Goodhark and man's best friend.

Beautiful thought.

We're using a live dog.

Excellent.

He lets your face and you kiss him back.

What a scene, stark realism.

Oh, Sinsa, we're going to give our list as both barrels today.

A live dog.

I tried to get the sponsor to use an animal imitator.

Oh, Springer, that's where you're wrong.

Where is your imagination, your sense of the dramatic?

But I'll forgive you if you will give me the name of your tailor.

My tailor.

I've always envied your immaculate appearance, your beautiful clothes.

Really?

I always pride myself on being well-dressed.

I have a little tailor on 24th Street if you wish me to make an appointment for you.

The most kind of you, Springer.

No trouble at all, Mr. Monica.

And Sinsa?

Ah, Sinsa.

I was only saying that Mrs. Monica knew this morning.

Why don't we see more of Mr. Sinsa?

You want to see more of me, sir?

Oh, I'm peed at you, Mr. Sinsa.

You want to see?

You never asked us out to your home.

I've never met your family.

We live in the Bronx.

Ah, the Bronx.

I haven't been there since a boy.

Uncle had a farm there.

If you'd like to come to dinner, sir.

That's super.

The Bronx.

You would do lily and beer.

We'll do good to get out of the city.

But Mr. Monica, I better warn you, I have four children.

Oh, you most fortunate of men.

All the blessings of a happy home.

Sinsa, I too now, for the first time in 25 years, have a happy home.

Then we're invited?

Well, gee, Mr. Monica, I never expected.

Yeah, how about tomorrow night?

It's a date.

Gee, well, lookers.

Boy, my wife can make meatballs.

Meatballs.

That's somebody must have told you they're my favorites.

No, honest.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And here he is, Mr. Monica.

The air day old is going to work with you.

Say hello to Mr. Monica, wait up.

Look, he's giving me his paw.

Oh, who's the doggy zoo?

Oh, my, isn't that the cutest thing?

Ain't offers licking Mr. Monica's face.

Oh, it tickles.

Happy days ahead for all of us.

We'll be back with a magnificent mob of you in just a moment.

Now, let's hear from a very good friend of yours.

This is Bob Hope.

Can we steal a second?

Say, Bob, did you notice there's a new Chesterfield poster of you around town?

Yeah, I saw one in a drugstore the other day.

I'm dressed up as Santa Claus.

Yeah, and you're holding a carton of Chesterfields

with a picture of Bing, you know, who dressed up as Santa Claus.

And you're standing in front of me.

And you're holding a carton of Chesterfields

with a picture of Bing, you know, who dressed up as Santa Claus.

And you're saying, for Christmas gifts, here's the answer.

Yep, Crosby for Christmas.

Bob, seriously, why did they make Crosby for Santa Claus

in the Christmas carton instead of you?

Well, hi, by tradition, Santa Claus is an old man.

Yeah.

Always carrying a sack full.

Well, no fairness to Bing, Bob.

I must say it's a very attractive gift.

And has packed with 200 of those always milder Chesterfields

which make us find a gift as anyone could give or anyone could get.

And folks, if you want to prove that just for yourself,

make that Chesterfield mildness test.

Open them, smell them, compare them, and smoke them.

Chesterfield, Chesterfield, always wins first place.

That milder mild, but I don't ever leave them aftertaste.

So open a pack, give them a smile.

They're new, smoke them.

See you Tuesday night, folks, for Chesterfields.

And I'll back to the magnificent Montague.

It is the next morning in the now happy, happy Montague apartment.

Lily and the new maid are ready for Montague's first breakfast

under the new regime.

Oh, by the way, Sarah.

Yes, Mrs. Montague.

My husband and I are going to the Bronx, but dinner tonight.

The Zins is, so don't cook tonight.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, Mrs. Montague, do you think Uncle...

I mean, Mr. Montague will like me.

Oh, now don't be nervous.

Oh, you're shaking.

Working for Uncle Goodheart.

I'm one of his biggest fans.

That will do it.

On his program yesterday, when he took the sliver out of that dog's paw,

and he bandaged the little paw.

And then the dog let his face.

He's such a good man.

No, no, no, Sarah.

Oh, your nose is getting red.

I'm sorry.

I think he's coming.

He is...

He's sick.

I'll call a dog.

No, no, Sarah.

Come back.

He's just vocalizing.

He's an actor.

He is...

Who is this angel in white?

Well, Edwin, this is our new maid, Sarah.

Sarah, the divine Sarah.

Oh, uncle.

And then they call her off before she leaks through to the apartment downstairs.

Edwin, she's overcome with happiness.

She's one of your listeners.

Good.

Come now, Sarah.

We must be brave.

Bring my breakfast.

Yes, uncle.

Edwin, she is sweet.

Naturally, after Agnes,

Lizzy Borden, the ax killer of Paul River, would be sweet.

I'm hungry.

I've been waiting 25 years to have one breakfast not prepared by Agnes.

Here's your orange juice, Sarah.

Thank you, Sarah.

Edwin, what's the matter with it?

What kind of orange juice is this?

Agnes never made it like this.

There are no seeds in it.

Quiet, quiet.

Sarah, he's not used to orange juice like that.

But take it back to the kitchen.

Put some seeds in it and warm it up.

Yes, ma'am.

Here are your eggs, sir.

Let's see.

Eggs, this wet mass of goo or eggs.

When you shut up.

Edwin.

Oh, Edwin, shame on you.

This is our new maid.

The new maid.

This is Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

A Red Nose Reindeer.

I quit.

And not now, Sarah.

Uncle Goodheart.

I'll never believe another thing I hear on the radio again.

Not even the laundry floor.

Another one gone.

And who have you next on the list, Dilly?

Tie for it, Mary.

Edwin, what's come over you?

And just getting smart, Dilly.

I catch on.

Catch on?

Dilly, I'm on to your little plan.

You hand-picked that white apron monstrosity to make life miserable for me.

Misurable for me.

You're taking revenge for my getting rid of agnes.

Edwin, you're getting impossible.

Yes, impossible of who?

With your snide little tricks.

Snide little tricks.

Edwin, what's happened?

We're having our first fight.

Good.

Let's bring it all out into the open.

I took you out of those musicals that made you a dramatic actress.

For what?

So you could steal scenes from there.

Edwin, monitor you.

You were.

You are.

You always will be.

A hand.

Believe that is one word I forbid in my home.

You're home.

I have a brown cast to do.

Where's my hat?

Ah, Montague.

Springer, take your dirty hands off my sleeve.

Dirty.

But I just wanted to tell you I made an appointment for you with my tailor.

You have a tailor?

You mean human hands actually put together those gunny sacks you wear?

Look, Mr. Montague, my tailor.

I wouldn't let him make my shroud.

You're gonna come out with a big hat.

What, Mr. Pat?

Oh, hello there, Mr. Montague.

I wrote out the directions how to get to my house.

How to get where?

What dinner tonight at my house in the Bronx?

I dear, demented friend.

I wouldn't be caught dead in the Bronx.

But you were coming to dinner.

My wife made 25 pounds of meatball.

Oh, you warmed up the table.

You were.

Mr. Montague, that's the most horrible thing I ever heard in my life.

Thank you, Zinsett.

Thank you.

Are we gonna have a rehearsal here today?

Ah, here comes my little friend, Adolf.

Take this.

Is everybody happy?

Lily, Lily, Lily, are you home?

Here I am, Edwin.

Sorry, I'm not out of your house yet.

But there was a lot of packing.

Lily, put down those suitcases

and stop putting on this second-back curtain of backstreet.

tragedy was never your strongest point.

Edwin, I'm leaving you.

What do I do now?

Edwin, stop.

And when I'm leaving you, what do I do now?

Edwin, stop this.

After that scene this morning.

Lily, don't go.

Please.

Edwin, what's happened to you?

You were always impossible, but this is impossible.

I know it, Lily.

I can't help it.

I've been going around insulting people,

making everybody miserable.

I even kicked little Adolf.

Lily, I know what's wrong with me.

So do I.

You do?

Yes.

Get her back, Lily.

Get Agnes back.

It's too late.

She was my escape valve without Agnes to pick up.

I'm frustrated.

I became your whipping girl instead of Agnes.

She was the only one who would strike back.

Get Agnes.

It's too late.

She's with a very fine family.

You don't think she'd come back to be tormented by you?

Who's that?

Edwin, go to your den.

That's Agnes.

Agnes.

She still has some clothes to take away.

I'll go.

Lily, plead with her.

Get her to come back.

I wouldn't do that to her, Edwin.

You go to your den.

You've caused her enough trouble.

Come in.

Hello, Agnes.

Agnes.

How's the new job?

The people are wonderful.

Beautiful room with a television set.

It's Agnes. Can we give you this?

Agnes. Can we bring you that?

This morning I sneezed.

They brought me breakfast and bed.

Really?

Honey, it's driving me nuts.

Yes.

Nobody insults me.

I got nobody to deal with back yet.

Then I got a right to be human.

I'm like a piece of furniture.

There I got no status.

At least with monogue I had a place.

That was his enemy.

Oh, but you...

After 25 years with monogue,

who can stand quiet?

Those smiles and affection they give me.

It makes me sick.

Honey, let me come back here.

Oh, Agnes, welcome home.

Edwin.

Did you hear that?

Hello, Agnes.

Hello, Mr. Monogue.

Edwin, Agnes has come back to us.

She has?

Yes.

So you came crawling back on your belly like a whip dog.

It was you that drew me back here like a fly to a garbage dump.

Edwin, Edwin.

Why that big bubble head?

All right, Agnes, Lily.

Put her back on the leash.

Edwin, please.

If Miss Dutch consa thinks she's going to start throwing her weight around here again,

she's a cat, Lily.

Look at the time.

The time.

Yes, we're due at the Zinsers for dinner.

Home, sweet home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

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Visit your Ford dealers soon and see the 1951 Ford yourself.

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Join us again next Friday for another transcribed visit with a magnificent Montague,

Starring Motivoli, created and directed by Nat Huykin,

written by Nat Huykin at Billy Freedberg,

and Seymour was Lily Boaim,

Pert Kelton was Agnes.

Also heard on tonight's program with Johnny Gibson, Hard Coney, John Griggs, Pat Hossley, and Frank Milano.

This is Don Pardo saying stay tuned for Duffy's Tavern, which follows immediately.

Thank you very much.