Maria Bamford (Extended Cut)

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It's the late show poncho with Stephen Colberg.

Ladies and gentlemen, folks, my next guest tonight is by my light,

the funniest comedian in the world.

You know her from Lady Dynamite,

a rest of development, and her stand-up specials.

Please welcome back to the late show, Maria Bamford.

Hi, Maria.

Hi, I'm so delighted to be on this show.

It's so thrilled to have you back.

You know you're my favorite comedian.

Come on!

You haven't been on the show since 2023, so it's possible I'm lying.

Now, a lot of this is going on in the world.

Yes, yeah.

What have you been up to?

Well, I hope, like everybody here, I've been protesting against the state of...

And, uh, yeah.

And I was trying to think of what the, uh,

sea se poise of white woman would be.

And I think it would be, you know what, for me?

Yeah.

You know the subject of a documentary?

Yes.

Which is, I want to get into what that feels like in just a moment.

It's called Paralyzed by Hope, the Maria Bamford story,

is directed by Judd Apital and Neil Berkeley.

I have the honor of being briefly featured,

saying how much I enjoy Maria Bamford and how much I love everything that you do.

How did they convince you to allow them to do this?

Because it's one thing, like, when you're dead and gone, but if you're alive...

Right.

And they're doing a documentary about you.

Like, this is your life as your material.

Why would you let them do a documentary?

How did they get you?

Why would they do a follow me around?

Uh, no.

I think it'd be 500 bucks.

Uh...

They like...

Yeah.

Well, and I had to ask for it.

I'd just say, hey, I'm going to need 500 bones.

Uh, if you're going to come and shoot this,

because there's somebody think,

times they show business where they say,

oh my god, we love you, Eugene.

You know, it's fantastic.

And then nothing...

Well, like, nothing happens.

And you're left alone with a howling wind.

So, to say, yeah, I got 500 bucks.

Was Apatel good for it?

Yeah, I mean, he painted out in cash.

That's the other thing.

I'm not gonna accept the check.

Wow.

Yeah, no.

I would never let anybody make a documentary about me.

Or the show for any reason whatsoever.

No way!

No one's offered, though, is the thing.

I mean, I've no one's ever offered me money.

Sure, a bud light and a basket occur in the dries,

but not cash.

But not cash.

Seriously, you wouldn't do a...

Never.

Because jet up, so the same thing.

He said he wouldn't want to have one dead of him.

I was like, what are you hiding?

Yes.

What was it like seeing the documentary?

Like, in its completed thing for you,

if you're the subject, did you find yourself fascinating?

Well, yeah, I was there for most of it.

And so, my...

But it was really lovely to see my parents

were in the horse since past.

And also, just yet to see some of the other comics.

And that was really, yeah, very heartwarming that my peers...

Were there people who enjoy your work

that you did not know enjoyed your work?

Yes, yeah.

I didn't totally know.

Who was it surprised you might have thought?

Let me see.

Well, I worked with Brian Fossane before,

but I was thinking, I was like,

he won't take the time to talk about me.

You guys were the comedians of comedy.

Yes, yes.

We were at a documentary,

which is documentaries are sometimes...

they ask you to do another take,

which isn't a documentary anymore when they ask you.

So, that's also why I wanted to get paid,

because I was like, hey, man,

if this is going to go on for a while,

I want to get cash on the barrel head.

Was there any more cat?

Was it 500-it?

Oh, no, there is more.

I kept invoicing.

I mean, never stop invoicing.

Words to live by.

Okay.

In the documentary,

are you talking about almost losing your home

and the Altadena fires?

Yes.

Okay, that must have been harrowing.

Yes.

How did that experience affect you?

Well, we almost lost our house,

but it was saved by our Trump-supported neighbors

very confusing ethically.

And...

Yeah.

Learned something new every day.

Right.

And I was up there with the ashes and all that stuff.

And it's kind of a police state in certain areas of LA

and a giant SUV pulled up two cops get out,

guns fully drawn, say, excuse me, ma'am!

What are you doing on that property?

And, you know, I wasn't looking my best.

I was a light-stained sweatshirt.

And I said, oh, I'm just looking over my succulent,

some of my succulents made it.

Because there's an elephant ear.

It's quite hearty.

Sorry, ma'am.

Didn't mean to frighten you.

Just had to make sure that you weren't one of the bad guys.

I'm wearing 17 friendship bracelets.

How do you...

How do you think I got them?

Documentary explores your upbringing, your family.

And we have a clip here with you and your father.

What do we about to see?

Oh, it's lovely.

My dad would make inventions.

This is one of his inventions that he came up with.

It's for night terrors.

It's like a seat belt for your bed.

And...

And necessary in his case.

Necessary, sure.

All right, you're on.

It turns out that one percent of people have night terrors.

I don't think I had it as a child.

But for 15 or so years I've had it.

So that what it means is in the middle of the night,

without any particular warning,

I bolt up and scream.

Somebody said it was just like being in World War II.

It was like a horrible attack going on.

And then I jump up and I would run into the wall.

I've got a little scar here on my nose.

So I just said, well, you know,

it wouldn't be better to be strapped down.

So I put a seat belt into the bed.

But a few times the socked your bed partner.

Marilyn, yes, at one time had a black eye,

which was tough because she is very busy

with the women's shelter.

And so, you know, it was a little hard for her to explain.

And of course nobody believed her anyway, you know.

So...

Believe women.

Yeah.

Gotta believe.

Complicated message.

No!

Complicated message.

Yes.

Oh.

You sometimes, when you're on tour.

Yes.

You do something surprising, which I don't understand.

Okay.

Is that you sometimes...

And you don't have to explain yourself to me.

I just am curious.

Why do you sometimes do a stand-up show at 9am?

Oh, because that means the person is chosen to be there.

You know what I'm saying?

People don't choose to be at an evening.

Yes!

Sometimes people are shocked into things.

Or they've had a beer, or they've, you know,

at the mall with a cheesecake factory,

bag, and they go,

where does we shy us some cavity?

And so, 9am, I know these people have, you know,

they've made a decision,

and then it's not my fault.

It's not my problem.

How's it my fault?

Also, uh...

Oh, did you just...

I heard you say something other day.

Is that it's...

Is your sister has given you this affirmation.

And some have said this right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go ahead, yeah.

How is it my fault?

They hired me.

That's for every job.

I love that so much.

Yeah, yeah.

Really?

Because honestly, I just showed up.

They should have vetted me on some level.

Yeah, well, the internet.

There's just thousands of videos.

If you're going to see something, research it.

There's no need to suffer in a show business.

Yeah, environment.

Well, I'm going to keep that in mind

as I go off into the Brave New World after the show

is that it's not...

How is it my fault that they hired me?

Yeah, no.

Get that cash.

Is what I say.

Yeah, that cash.

And get the shows out of the way, Steven.

If you start to show it 8am, which I have,

that means...

8am, not in 8am.

8am, if you get a little earlier, you get babies.

And then also, uh...

You get it out of the way.

So you don't have to think about it the whole day.

You don't know, like, oh, God, I got a show tonight.

Now it's like, oh, I didn't do my show.

That's wisdom.

Thank you, ma'am.

You can see paralyzed by hope at South by Southwest

and the Martha's Vineyard Film Festival later this month.

Maria Bamford, everybody.

Thank you for listening to The Late Show Pod Show

with Steven Colbert.

Just one more thing.

If you want to see more of me,

come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

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