Unbridled Expression: Just Because You Think It, Doesn't Mean You Get to Say It (And Hurt Your Spouse)

Have you ever been around someone who let every thought, every emotion just come spilling

out of their head?

Have you ever been with someone who, when they're hurt, lashes out at others, or whose words

are impulsive and likely painful?

What does it feel like to be around these people?

Does it draw you in?

Or does it push you away?

Today we're diving into the destructive pattern called unbridled self-expression, up next,

on to Master Your Marriage.

Did you know the average couple waits six years to get help in their marriage?

Yeah, that's six years of pain, hurt, and frustration.

Hi there, I'm Charlissa Snow.

And I'm Robert Scho.

And welcome to Master Your Marriage, where we believe that having an amazing marriage

should never feel like hard work and shouldn't be a guessing game.

This is the show for married couples who want to discover a scientifically proven approach

to building a masterful marriage and have fun while doing it.

So if that's you, you're in the right place.

Let's dive in.

Welcome back to another episode of Master Your Marriage.

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So helpful.

So helpful.

Yes.

So today's episode, it's been almost over a year and a half since we did a series on

destructive and losing strategies, which has been one of our most popular series here

on the show.

And it's such an important topic that we decided that we really needed to be talking about

it far more often than we have been.

And it is something that we discussed, Charlotte and I, nearly each week between ourselves

and also with client sessions.

So we definitely should be talking about it more here on the podcast.

This is going to be a very useful series for every single person in a relationship or

someone who wants to be in a relationship.

This series will help you see what strategies you've been using in your own relationships,

spoiler.

We all have strategies to work on, losing strategies that is.

And the reason that we need to know about these strategies is that we have to become aware

of what we're doing before we can do anything different.

We cannot change something if we cannot see it.

So it's important to kind of face your losing strategies.

Maybe we should say as we're doing in this episode.

So these strategies were developed by Terry Real and he is a therapist.

He's a mentor of ours.

And all of these strategies have one major thing in common.

They are strategies that couples turn to when they're not getting what they want out

of their relationship.

And sadly, none of these strategies actually work.

Those are strategies.

They're called losing strategies.

So today, we're going to cover one of the losing strategies called unbridled expression.

But before we explain what that is, what that means, what that looks like and what to do

about it, let's talk about when these strategies, these losing strategies tend to come out most

in relationships.

So Dr. Marie Bowen famously said, we all have an adult and an infant inside of us, but

the infant doesn't have to run the show.

Can we say this for your older's drive of the bus?

Yes.

What does that even mean though?

This is a very simplified way of saying that we all have a regressive mind and we all have

a wise adult within us.

And the regressive part of our brain comes out when there is excessive activation of the

sympathetic nervous system, which is that fight or flight response, or when there is heightened

parasympathetic activity, which is what it's triggering that freeze or fawn or shut down

response.

So simply put, when there is balanced brain activity, we can be wise.

We can be relational with people.

But when there's not that balanced brain activity, then we tend to regress to coping strategies,

maladaptive strategies that maybe we learned as a child.

I like maybe a different way of explaining it if I could.

We all have this regressive mind that is part of us and it operates out of survival.

It's sort of this just rapid onset trigger kind of a thing.

Often without any restraint, these impulses come from the immature part of our brain.

This is the limbic brain and the limbic brain drives our autonomic or automatic reactions

rather than the prefrontal cortex where wise and thoughtful problem solving occurs.

So we have this prefrontal cortex, this wise and thoughtful and even relational is

careless.

And then we have the limbic brain, which is just reactive.

And under stress, most of us allow our limbic brain to take control, just keeping us in

this constant state of just reactivity when we feel hurt.

We hurt back.

When our perspective is challenged and we get defensive, we just fight back.

When we feel pain, we retaliate by hurting others.

The regressive brain is often driven by vindictiveness and indulgence.

It usually strives to win at any cost, even if that means stepping on others.

And at times, this causes us to be cruel, usually to the people that we profess to love

the most.

Exactly.

The regressive brain is driven by emotions.

It's not driven by principles.

Or logic.

Yeah.

And this is why we did an episode a couple of weeks ago about the importance of consciously

choosing and establishing principles for your relationship and having guardrails to

protect those principles.

Because if we don't, then the regressive mind will take over.

And it's going to end up ruling our lives and ruling our relationships, almost

at ruining our lives and ruining our relationships, but that kind of works too.

Yeah.

And both can go together.

Yeah.

And we all do it.

Here's the thing is we all have this regressive part of us that can be impulsive.

We all have behaviors that can emerge when we're upset, when we're stressed, when we're

not getting our way.

And usually these reactive behaviors for many of us actually feel good in the moment because

they can make us feel safe or they can make us feel powerful.

And yet these reactions are so destructive for the relationship.

And I think that's what I love so much about doing relationship work is that our relationships

are marriages help us to see our immaturities and our limitations so that we can choose

to work on those things, choose to work on our reactivity for the good of our relationship

and also for the good of ourselves.

But in order to do that, I have to choose to heal me.

I have to choose to heal myself by focusing on myself and not on my partner.

And that's where the core of this work comes in is we have to focus on ourself.

It would be really easy for you to listen to this series and find all the ways in which

your partner does the strategy and that strategy and how they're messing this up and that

up.

Instead, we invite you to listen and ask the question, how might this actually be me?

How might I actually be doing this losing strategy?

I think it's a learn better, no better, do better.

Learn better, no better, do better.

So we're in the learn better part here.

Yeah.

Right?

And then as we learn about it, then we can know we're going to ask you to challenge yourself

and see if you can start to recognize your patterns and then we're going to ask you

to do better.

Yeah.

So let's jump into the first in this series, Unbridled Expression.

Unbridled Expression is this unrestrained venting, blah, blah, blah word salad.

It is irresponsibly and often harshly expressing whatever you think and whatever you feel without

compassion, without self-control.

So spend 30 seconds on social media and see if you can find some unbridled self-expression

at its finest.

The idea that I have the right to express whatever I feel whenever I want to is pervasive

through social media.

I always say it's sort of like chumming for sharks.

You can just throw in some controversial topic and you will see that experience unbridled

expression at its finest, keyboard warriors unite.

So again, unbridled expression is the idea that I have the right to express whatever I

feel.

It comes to what I should be able to express or say and no matter what I say or do,

you should validate it.

And somehow some people are under the illusion that this will actually bring them closer

in their relationship, forcing you to take my point of view.

Yeah, that doesn't work.

Yeah.

So to agree with me or else.

So Terry real explained unbridled expression like this because I have a thought, I think

I should get to say it.

Because I have an emotion, I think I should get to express it.

He calls it the barf bag approach to relationships.

When people have no boundaries or restraint in this manner, they are likely a master codependent.

And it's a tactic they use to control the other person in their life.

It is a way to pressure the other individual to accommodate or manage whatever it is you're

feeling when you're not getting exactly what you want.

Mm-hmm.

And many of us group in households where one parent's emotions ran the house.

Being revolved around that parent's feelings, whether that feeling was rage or anger, depression,

sadness, the entire family would become affected by that one individual.

And I bet even as I am saying that right now, I bet there is someone who comes to your

mind.

I remember this client that I was working with one time and he was talking about his childhood

and he was talking about how when he would come home as a teenager, walk through the

door and he would immediately scan the atmosphere to gauge his father's mood.

And if his father was having a hard day, everybody was having a hard day.

And if that was the case, he just learned that he had to lie low and he had to stay off

his dad's radar.

And that was how he would feel safe.

Oh, I totally agree with that story.

You really do that?

I relate to this story.

It was, that's totally the way it was in my house.

In this case, it was my mom's depression.

And we all had to adapt and accommodate to whatever emotion she was sort of feeling at

the time.

And the quality of her day would dictate the entire emotional climate at the temperature

of the home.

She was happy.

We were happy.

But otherwise, man, just like, just like your client, we were walking on eggshells.

We didn't want to, we didn't want it to blow up on us.

Yeah.

So I want you guys to think about that that Robert just shared and think about your own childhood

for a moment.

Was there someone like that in your household?

Probably because it's very common.

So who was that in your life?

Was it a parent?

Was it a grandparent?

Was it a teacher?

Or maybe it was actually you.

So I know, you know, when we were early married, I have to admit that was, that was me.

If I was regulated, I was quite gentle, I was sweet, I was kind, but I really struggled

with regulating my emotions.

And I'm sure that if my kids could remember early on in life, my oldest kids would probably

say, yeah, that was mom.

That was mom that I had to walk on eggshells around.

And certainly you when we were first married.

Oh, yeah.

Learn more and no more.

Do more.

Yeah.

Yeah, without a doubt.

Well, it sort of reminds me when we talked about unbridled expression, I worked with

a guy.

He used to always have this saying.

And I thought it was weird.

He was younger than me.

So maybe it was his generation.

He's like, hey, you know, I'm just keeping it real.

And in his version of keeping it real was, was very critical.

It usually tests staff and other people.

Every time this individual would say, like, oh, hey, I'm just keeping it real.

I'd be like, no, you're being a dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not keeping it real.

There's ways to say things that are kind and you're not doing it.

Yeah.

You know, it's time.

Maybe it's time to grow up a little bit.

Well, how did that help his relationships with people?

It didn't.

A lot of people didn't want to be around him.

The staff didn't like him.

So you can just sort of see that as we talked about in the beginning,

you know, we all have these people in our lives and you don't want to be around them.

Yeah.

I feel bad for them.

Honestly.

Yeah.

So who was that for you?

So as you think back in your early life or even in your life now,

who is that that you've experienced in your life?

So just think for a moment about your experience with it and how being around

someone like that caused you to feel and how it caused you to respond.

Unbridled expression may not seem like it at first,

but it becomes a form of control and manipulation.

Whenever our behavior pressures other people to capitulate, to accommodate,

especially to the worst parts of us, it's a form of control.

And when we're unrestrained and uncontained,

it's a sign that our own boundaries are weak, making us psychologically intrusive to other people.

So let's quickly talk about what this looks like in our day to day interactions.

So how can we spot unbridled expression?

So first, I think is obvious criticisms, you just mentioned criticisms.

So criticisms, insults, ad hominem attacks, character attacks, name calling, put downs.

These are pretty obvious, I think.

So anytime we use this in our communication,

we are speaking in such a way that we are really cutting ourselves off

from love and from connection and from having good will with another person.

Like Robert said, you don't want to be around someone who is like that.

Yeah, I mean, you think about that.

You're cutting yourself off from the good will, which basically means

people aren't going to be kind in return.

Unbridled expression also shows up as one of our favorite terms, contempt.

Contempt is looking down on the other person,

treating as if they're inferior or less than or you're better than them.

Contempt is actually one of the most destructive behaviors,

negative behaviors in any relationship.

Dr. John Gottman's four decades of research of identified contempt

as the number one predictor of divorce.

When in his research, he observed one or both partners displaying contempt.

He sees it as the clear sign that that marriage relationship is in serious trouble.

Contempt can manifest as disrespect, hostile humor, hostile sarcasm, condescension.

And it can also include damn calling, mimicking,

irolling, sneering, jeering, any of those things.

John Gottman calls contempt sulfuric acid for relationships

because it is so harmful and corrosive.

So essentially, contempt is that signal that is conveying in any of those ways.

I think kind of thinking I'm better than you.

And you're kind of like a slob.

You're beneath me.

So an example of that might be saying something like,

I learned to do the dishes when I was five.

Are you ever going to figure it out?

Are you such a child that you need me to do this for you, honey?

It's like that condescension of being better than being superior

to the other person and talking down to them.

And to be honest, as I mentioned already,

unbridled expression was something I used to do

to Robert early on in our marriage.

And contempt was the best way I could do it.

Anytime I would feel stressed or I would feel frustrated or flooded,

if I didn't feel like he would hear me or take my perceptions

into advisement or if I felt like he wasn't accepting my influence,

my regressive brain would just take over.

And this would be my go-to strategy.

Just talking down to this condescension.

And it was a way when I was reactive,

usually didn't come out when I was in my wise mind,

but it came out as a way to control or to overpower Robert.

And it took me years to learn to control that impulse.

And I would say even to this day that impulse isn't totally gone.

I still will have these occasional thoughts,

these nasty little things that will come to my mind

if I start to get flooded.

Which is why it's so important

when I do relationship work with couples.

I always tell people it's not really learning to communicate.

It's learning to understand your nervous system

and where you are at when you communicate that matters most.

And so even to this day, if I'm starting to feel flooded,

those little nasty thoughts might come back to me.

Sometimes I think they're not even my thoughts.

Sometimes I think they're just memories

from things I heard growing up that my mom probably said.

But what I've learned is that just because I think it

doesn't mean I have to say it.

I can question those thoughts.

I can challenge those thoughts.

I don't need to spill everything out of my mouth

that enters my brain just because I am feeling overwhelmed

in the moment.

I think we've landed on the title for today's podcast.

What is the title?

Just because you think it doesn't mean you get to say it.

I think that's a good one.

I think we're going to go with that.

Yeah, that might work.

Here's an interesting fact about contempt

since you opened the door on contempt.

Research has shown that couples who frequently

express contempt, couples themselves,

are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses

like colds and the flu.

So not only does contempt predict the future health

of their relationship, i.e., how happy you are together,

that also impacts the physical health

and, as we've learned in newer research,

the longevity of the people involved in that relationship,

contempt is the most damaging of all forms

of unbridled expression.

Yeah, it predicts your lifespan and your health.

Chopin ears off your life.

And you know, the other thing about unbridled expression

is that it really is a disregard for the feelings

and the perspectives of the other person

because unbridled expression,

its goal at its root is to actually overpower someone else

so that we can get them to yield to us,

to yield to our opinions or our emotions

or our ideas so that we can dominate.

And so if you think about that,

it's a tactic that's obviously doomed to fail.

You're never going to get someone to meet your needs willingly

if you're treating them this way,

if they're acting and they're only responding to you out of fear.

You might temporarily get them to capitulate,

but it's never going to be out of love,

it's never going to be out of compassion or goodwill,

which means it's going to come at a very high cost.

And one of the things you'll also see

with unbridled expression is the absence of empathy.

Typically when we're doing unbridled expression,

we are so consumed by what we want

that we can't comprehend how the other person feels

or even see the needs that they may have in the moment.

That is part of this regressive brain survival mechanism.

It cannot be relational, it is 100% focused

on self preservation or meeting self-needs.

Yeah, it's all about me instead of we

because when you're in that regressive brain,

the knee takes over and the wee part,

anything that would be relational disappears.

So what do we need to do to overcome unbridled expression?

Well, first and foremost, the biggest thing,

like Robert said at the very beginning,

when you know better, you do better.

And so the first step is always self-awareness.

Most people are doing it

and don't even realize that they're doing it

or they're just doing behaviors

that were modeled for them growing up

and they really don't know there's a better way.

So like we said earlier, it's much easier

to listen to this episode and point the finger

at your partner and list all the ways

in which your partner is failing.

But that's not gonna work.

And thinking that you have any control

over another person is just a fantasy.

We can only change ourselves.

We cannot change what we cannot see.

And so we have to start to look within.

We have to stop blaming someone else

for how we're feeling and how we are behaving.

And we have to start to heal ourselves.

But to do that, we have to be honest

and we have to be willing to self-confront.

And we have to look at our own reactivity

and look at the ways that we're reactive,

the strategies that we're using

when we're not getting our way

and start to shift those patterns.

Okay, if you've been listening to the show for a while,

you know that we like to give homework.

Yes, we do.

So here's some journaling questions

that you can ponder this week.

On the topic of unbridled expression.

Ready?

Do your pen out or your notes out.

And if you're driving, just pause and pick this up

when you're in a safe place.

Number one, list the times

when you were frustrated in your relationship

and not getting what you want, okay?

Number two, what strategies do you use?

Have or when have you used unbridled expression?

Okay.

Number three, how is it hurting your spouse or your partner?

It hurts.

Number four, where did you learn these strategies?

Was there someone in your life

that used these strategies when you were growing up?

And how did that impact you?

Maybe learning at the feet of the master.

Yeah.

So next after you go through these questions,

I want you to analyze and think,

okay, what would I do instead?

What might my best self be doing in these situations

where I in the past would have used unbridled expression?

Okay, so for me personally,

I'll say that when I start to feel those thoughts come up,

those kind of mean thoughts,

first I have to challenge those thoughts.

For me, the empathy piece helps me to get more grounded

and more centered back into myself.

So I try to think about like,

why would a reasonable rational person,

I eat this person I love, think this way, feel this way

and let that challenge me a little bit.

Maybe I ask a question like, okay, Charlotte,

what would it really be like to be married to me right now?

So self-confronting helps me and another thing is breathing.

Remember to breathe, take some breaths, don't talk

when you're feeling flooded.

And if none of those things were working,

I might need to take a break.

I might need to say, hey, babe, I need a minute to go get wise.

I need you to give me a break and then I need to go

in the other room.

I think that's the greatest way to take the leaving part,

especially when we talk about these strategies.

I need to go take a minute to go grow up.

And I found that, especially when we do it,

it's a little bit of, you know, it's a pattern interrupt

and it's certainly timely if I say that.

But it's also injecting a little humor

where I'm admitting a weakness.

Like, look, I'm about to spin out and be an absolute jerk.

So, you know, just give me a little grace

and those are, I mean, those are really good strategies.

Yes.

So think about, again, analyze what do you want to do instead?

What might the best version of you be doing

in these situations where in the past

you would have used unbridled expression?

And then lastly, start to think about how you're going to

interrupt, Robert talks about pattern interrupts.

How are you going to interrupt your old behavior next time?

So, what are some upcoming opportunities you have to practice?

Are the in-laws coming over?

Are you going on a road trip?

Yeah, that could be it.

What are some things you have coming up?

And what wisdom do you want to remember?

Maybe something we shared on the podcast today?

What wisdom do you want to remember the next time

you feel yourself right there at that edge

of maybe losing control?

Well, that's a wrap for this episode.

Make sure to subscribe to the show if you haven't yet

because next week we're sharing the next losing strategy

and you don't want to miss it.

Thanks so much for being here with us today.

We're great for all of you.

And we kindly ask that if you haven't yet,

please leave us a comment and a five-star review.

It really helps us make a greater impact

and help more couples.

And if you know anyone who this episode might help,

please consider sharing it.

Be kind to each other this week.

Take care of each other.

Remember it's the small things done often

that make the biggest impact.

Until next time.

Thank you for listening to Master Your Marriage.

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