Mhairi Black - "Maths is Sh*te"

0:00Good day, Monkey Fiddlers. Hope you're doing okay. Thank you for downloading my podcast. The big news is that you may have seen in the growing up news that I'm bringing the main Rahalistapa shows to a close. There are still plenty to go out so you'll still be getting Rahalistapa's well into the first and second month of 2027. But I've decided the last three we're recording at the Leicester Square Theatre. This autumn, at least for the moment, but I'm almost certain for good going to be the last full on real stupid Rahalistapa's. Gonna carry on doing the book clubs remotely and in studio, but this will be your last chance to see the shows live. September 28th, you've got James A. Kastren, Izzy Soty, selling very well. Head there now, get your tickets, richetang.com slash Rahalistapa. There's one in October, haven't looked up the date. Should I guess? 26th, I don't know. Have a look. No guest book yet, but given these are the last

1:00ones we are going to try and get really good guests for you. And then the final one is not November 19th, which is a date in my mind for some reason. But November the 16th, the Leicester Square Theatre, as it's the last one and people who got wind of this, it is very nearly sold out. Should be an amazing occasion. A little chance for you to say goodbye to all the friends you've made through the years at the Leicester Square Theatre. If you haven't come for a bit, why not come back for that last one? It should be fun and I will probably cry, I think. So richchain.com slashy, Rahalistapa for the links that are the Leicester Square Theatre.com website. And yeah, you can still become a bad joke. I'm still going to be doing my other podcast, still doing the book club, still doing rich and average Craven Newsround, which you really must get into if you haven't already. I think it's going to be the future of all entertainment. I hopefully bring back some snooker. I don't think I can do. Stone clearing again since I lost my little wolfie. But you never know.

2:00And hopefully some other more exciting projects coming up when my time is a bit freed up from not having to book Rahalistapa. We'll see. Anyway, sit back relax and enjoy whatever podcast you've downloaded. And you know, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Do you? Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes. So you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit aerie.com to find the right bra for you. That's A-E-R-I-E.com. Most women have been there. Something feels off. You don't feel like yourself. Yet your doctor says

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4:06Welcome to the show. I'm all right. I went for a 20 minute run today. I'm extremely fit. I've had a little bit of leukemia. It's fine. It's not as bad as it sounds. Welcome to Richard Herring's lateral stand 3 podcast. It was the other way around us. Do you notice that? I'm very confused. The whole world has been turned upside down. I was talking to the ladyboys of Bangkok today. They call it Rolosterpa. In fact, they're so old school. They've been this along. They call it Rehef. It's one for Puris there. Ladyboys of Bangkok, which toilet are they going to use today? That's the question in here. Scotland. Thank you, J.K. Rowling. She's one of yours now. People thought nerve-gagamans are very confused because they hold great. They can't use our toilets now. Oh, not the ladyboys. They don't count. They're so confused. They won't come again. They're not coming back.

5:10Welcome. This is my work teller. This is the 39th anniversary of the first time I appeared at the Edinburgh Fringe. I can't be right. I was walking around the shopping centre the other day thinking everyone under 39 was not born the first time. That's a lot of people. It's my 28th Fringe. This is my 46th show at the Edinburgh Fringe. I've made a great choice this year because stand 3 is in the basement of a very nice hotel. I'm staying at the hotel for this year. I have to walk down two quite steep flights of stairs. That's a nice sight. I'm hoping I can just stay in this building for the entirety of the Fringe. There's no need to come outside. Come down here for an hour a day. Get up stairs. Probably have a wink. Probably. Still do that. Yes. What else have I got for you? That's probably about it. I was going to shout for about a little. I felt like

6:12there was something else I was going to talk about. I've started off. This morning I did a plank for one minute. I did 20 press ups and I ran around your city for 20 minutes. Let's see if we keep that up. Every day. I'll keep you informed. I could literally be killed by the end of the Fringe this year. That's how much I love you all. Anyway, I'm feeling very healthy but I was all the time I'm on lots of drugs. Nothing to do with the illness. So welcome, I guess this week. I guess the day is probably best known for her work on the Work and Pensions Committee 2017 to 2020. That's why we're here today. It's also appeared on Lorraine. I will hit please welcome Mary Black, ladies and gentlemen. Mary Black, come up with the Work and Pensions Committee. Mary Black, welcome. Hello, thank you. Thank you very much. I'd love to see how was the Work and Pensions Committee.

7:15It aged me. I know it was brutal. Some of the folk that you're sitting with is like every meeting basically ended with me going right. This isn't going to exist by the time I need a pensioner. Oh, you guys. It's just not going to be here anymore. Well, it's love to be you. I've been trying to get you on for a little while. It's nice to have you. I mean, let's talk about the politics first of all because this is sort of where you came from. Yes. The prominent. The youngest MP in the last, because in the sense the modern era, you're not as young as I don't know if you know Christopher Monk, the Earl of Torrenton. He was on the Work and Pensions Committee. He became an MP at the age of 13. So he's like the Duke house of an author. That's an old resident. It was in 1667. And I'm guessing like a lot of people had died in the Great Fire of London. So they had to bring in teenagers. I guess that's why. Yeah, no, the bars law when young people get elected. I think it just because he's got it because of his dad, which I don't think is the case for you.

8:19So you know, it's sort of an incredible story. So he was still a student. Yeah. And you, and you, I mean, do you expect him to, I mean, I know we obviously have the independence referendum and that hadn't gone the way you'd hoped. Yep. And so there was a sort of fire underneath. You know, I suppose in that in that sense. It was, so the referendum got called and I think it was 2011, 2012. And I get really involved. And that's where I kind of started. I thought, yeah, let's get active. And I remember I turned up to my first meeting and I thought it would be, you know, like a welcoming period. And you know, here's, let me show you the ropes. I turned up and I get handed a bundle of 200 leaflets until stand on the high street and don't complain. So I gave them out. So I did spend about two years where every night, every weekend, I was out campaigning. So when we lost the referendum, I went into a period of mourning. I don't mind saying black veil and all for a bit two days. And then I remember it was funnily enough. I was sitting

9:26with a pint and I thought to myself, oh no, I've not put in this amount of work to then just go back in my box. Let's keep going. You know, when there was a general election coming up and I thought right, no, let's let's at least send a message. And then the more and more that went on, the people that I was campaigning with said to me, you know, you should put your name in. And I said, don't be stupid. I'm 20. That's a ridiculous idea. And the more it went on, the more I realized I was losing the argument as to why I shouldn't stand because they were saying, no, you know, the argument's you're capable, like go try it. So I thought, I fuck it off, put my throw my hat in and then I end up getting elected. And yeah, that was 10 years of my life. I mean, was it that case where you thought I'll stand and there's no way I'm going to. Oh, totally. Yeah. Like in my head, I was going, there was no chance I'm going to get elected, but I'm going to make him work for it. Yeah. It was Douglas Alexander at the time. And it turns out I'll work too hard.

10:31But you know, it was, I mean, I remember seeing your maiden speech and, you know, it was a huge news with the main speech and it was so, you know, it was just so great to see someone in that room who was so different than the, you know, the, the, the, the, the identity, the politicians we all get who were speaking so passionately and openly and about what they believed. I mean, it's sort of quite, that shouldn't be a rarity, right? I mean, yes. It shouldn't be. But thank you. I'm trying not to hurt a bit more. I just had a very nice compliment from Rachel Taylor. Well, also, I mean, I went to Prime Minister's question time last year for that channel five deep shit radio show. And the standard of the sense of humor in the House of Commons is so, I mean, the bar is beneath the ground. It's a lot is. So again, you were immediately, and you hadn't even started doing stand-up comedy at this point, but you're immediately like properly funding as well. You know, I remember the moment, because I know exactly what you're talking about. And Parliament,

11:33people will fling the most vicious things at each other backwards and forth, you know, just be racist, just be whatever kind of big it. But then, you know, it's like, if you call some day a cunt, you're the problem. I mean, and that was basically my thing, you. Yeah, it was. I mean, you were very sweary. It's very sweary. Yeah, I actually, I never realised, because of a, I mean, it was one speech I'm particular for, I was just quoting a lot of the misogyny that I get. I actually hold the record for the most swearing and pardoning. And there are people who say I achieve nothing in my time. But they pick up, you said, there's a clip I just saw of you saying people were everyone was pissed. Oh, and then they picked you up on and said, you can't say that in the of this, the deputy speaker. It must have been very, very upset. And I was trying to think of the most creative way to say past the weekend. And you say it wasn't the fact that there were piss that was,

12:35it was just the word, pissed, you're allowed to say a nebriated. Yeah, the nebriated stoshis was the other one. But that's, you know, that's what the new green MP sort of made that point about everyone being drunk at the time was that your experience. Oh, put it, put it. And look, I'm not going to sit here and say that I was sober for 10 years. Right. It's, it lures you in definitely, but absolutely. I mean, particularly, see during the Brexit votes, cause there were so many votes in the voting system, a sore cake that it would go on into like one o'clock, two in the morning and things. But if you're done your work at six o'clock, say, and you genuinely get nothing else that you can do. And you're not allowed to leave the building because you know, there's going to be votes. And there's like 12 pubs open. What are you going to do? So that there is genuinely a cultural problem with Parliament, but I remember there was one night where I just thought, no, I'm going back to my office. And I think a binge watch like six episodes

13:39of something on Netflix. And at one in the morning, I went down to vote. And I remember when I went into the lobby, the smell of baby that had me. I was like, oh, this is like being in sucky-hose tree. You know, it actually made me homesick. I mean, it is, but it's astonishing. It's great to see something like you in there. It's crazy. I mean, it's sort of crazy that there aren't a couple of 20 year olds in there every time. You know, there should be a proportion of young people, but also of people from, not, you know, from a different background, which obviously there is, there is some difference, but there's a lot of people who are sort of identifying those. Oh, absolutely. I mean, the number of MPs that were in the same class as in their private school is incredible. And it's, I suppose when you kind of see when you just accept that misogyny and racism and homophobia and all the rest of it is literally baked into our system like it was, it has been built in a time when all of these

14:41things were acceptable. And if we're genuinely trying to change that as a society, then you think, need one of that place never changes because if you're so hesitant to ever move into the 21st century, you're going to still inherently attract only straight white middle-aged rich guys. You know, there's a reason I left. It was miserable. It was a horrible existence. So until that gets addressed, it's not just a class problem or a race problem. It's a diversity problem. You want your parliament to look like the society 11. Of course. And right now it doesn't, and certainly in my lifetime it never has. No, well, and my slightly longer life. I'm not telling about it. But yeah, you weren't born when I first came to Edinburgh. Anyway, anyway, it's being born. But yeah, I mean, it does fit. I mean, that's my sort of dream is

15:41that they sort of make build a parliament in the middle of the United Kingdom that has flats that the MPs can live in so they don't have to claim expenses. But everyone can get home relatively easily. That's built for purpose because also that room is just not. It's sort of weird. You either see it like so packed that no one can sit down or when you're doing your maiden speech, everyone's on your parties there and then there's about three other parties in the room. I don't think I spoke to that chamber. There was more than five people. I was constantly empty. In fact, I would actually start some of my shows. We're saying, look, if you need, I can go to the toilet or the bathroom or whatever. I'm honestly used to people either as I'm talking, right? It's not a problem. And that was just the same peagrook meeting. So anyway, look, you made that decision to leave all that behind. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm angry and sad about it, but I completely understand why I did it. And did you know what you were going to do when you had a sort of plan to go, I'm going to

16:44move into entertainment or... No, no, not at all. No, what happened genuinely was it was the night of the 2019 election because we'd had, I would have had the 2015 snap election in 2017, then 2019, I came home from the election count and I said to my wife, I'm not doing this again. I don't care if the election's called a snap election next year or if it's the full five years of it, I'm just no day in this again. So I went that what turned out to be five years of it, knowing I'm a healer. And to be fair, I was too busy doing the job to actually think long-term, but it was just mentally for me when the day got too much, I was like, yeah, but I'm out here so it's fine. So it wasn't until it got to about two months before the election, I went, shit, what am I going to do? And at that time, I had had an idea of what I kept saying to people was

17:52all I want is to have a room of people where I can do a slideshow and go, here's how fucked you are. And here's why, and to actually make it enjoyable in a way, the same way that if I was sitting across being a pub and you asked me, what's the script? Do I have it? Why is my life so shit? I can go, well, here's why. And actually talk through because I think if more people actually knew what politics was like day to day, they would be a lot anger than they are because it's a pastake. So much of the time is spent in pubs, it's spent going around and shaking hands and taking nice pictures and putting a hard hat on to go to a building site. It's photo ups, it's, you know, and I think, I mean, I just got tired of that and very quickly thought, right, how can I justify explaining all these things in a way that the daily mail can run away with it? And I thought, I know I'll call it

18:53comedy. I was kind enough of the gilded building, I met Karen and she said to me, no, let's do a run. So we did that running 224 and it sold out and it all went well. So since then, I did another working progress last year and then I've got a show now. So I think we're going to be touring that next year in Scotland. So yeah, I'm kind of just falling through life in the same way I became an MP and just an opportunity presented itself and I thought, all right. It sort of shows if you go for things that they, I mean, I mean, a lot of the barrier to being a comedian or being an MP is just thinking, well, that could never happen. If you actually go for it, you never know what happened. I do also say in my shows, I start it because, you know, I accept that politics to comedy is quite elite, right? But when you think of it in terms of what is another job that let's you

19:53day drink and talk show? Perfect. Perfect. I mean, there are similarities, except, you know, like, well, as Zalenski I suppose, going from a comedian to politician the other way around. But man, it might be a better world. So there's a part of me that thinks if comedians were in parliament, even just even just one, if comedians or stood for parliament did one part, well, one session changed everything. Yeah. That's my dream, but I can't be asked. Anyone have, you know, you got, you got a camp in face now who's not, I think, well, maybe by the time this goes out, you'll know what happened, but I do you don't think he's going to win, unfortunately, but you have just reminded me of a dream I had last night. Oh my goodness. If I have count been face one, okay, that was it. I just came back to video and I thought, I've seen that headly no, I didn't dream it last night. I mean, it would be, I mean, the if I lived in Clackton, I would be so upset about the, you know, the way people perceived Clackton, that I would just vote for whoever wasn't. I'd be for the Ben. Yeah, yeah, definitely. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I think the bin might win in other constituents. Yeah.

20:57I mean, that's what you can't really, what I don't understand about Farage and why no one's really just picked him up on this is going, I'm going back to my, I'm going to let the public decide whether I'm guilty or not of this crime. And that's not how the judicial system works. And also you can't choose your audience. Okay, if you're going to have a vote, let's have a, let's have a referendum on it. If you really that bond with my true, I think people might be happy to vote for that. So, it's also because I genuinely can't understand if there's some master plan that I've not hooked in on or whether he has just an idea that when he said that he resigned because obviously the one of the punishments for the investigation he's currently under for all is, you know, dodgy donations is a violation. So he thought, I'll jump the gun in that way. What happens when you do that is the parliamentary committee pos the investigation, he gets elected again in the resume. You know, it's, so I don't know whether he announced this and then some of the, did you read the small price? Oh, you know, it's,

22:03I can't get my head round it. No, I think he's an idiot. I think that's nothing. That's what he could be our next prime minister. So, you know, good luck to my say, I for one welcome, my new racist overlords. So, all right, I'm white, I can get on board, I can face fine. I'm a white man, they'll be about me in my middle age, my late old age. That can be fine. It'll all work. I'm always going to say I liked when they, you know, it's the same thing when binface started looking like he might get some votes. Yeah, the media turns against them and the same thing happened to you. Obviously, they realise they started looking at your tweets. And the tweets they picked up on. I mean, because you're a teenager, ain't you a teenager? Nobody else would have their teenage tweets at the time. But one that flashed up in the fantastic documentary about you was just you writing maths is shite. And that was, yeah, like a school kid. I need one of their lessons.

23:04That's got to, I remember tweeting it and I was sitting in high on my ass. Oh, god, that's very much. But I'm sure that those things just, because they made you look more human and they, and they, none of them were like terrible, terrible, terrible, but... I mean, there's about drinking and getting into whatever. In some ways it was a blessing in disguise, because I mean, it was horrible when it's even at it happened. It really was. It was horrific in like the scene newspapers portraying you as a bigot and as some knuckle drag and I'm like, not only my friends know that, that's... You're not supposed to... No, you're kind of first public introduction to people as things being twisted in a horrible way. It was really, it was, it was a horrible time. But in some ways that kind of, it was a baptism of fire for me because before I even got elected, I was so switched on the media and how they operated.

24:04One of the things that I was most frustrated with in my time in politics was constantly trying to explain to a bunch of boomers why the internet was important. You're not mean to imply things like Twitter. When I was coming at it for a point of view of, this was the silly little app that we grew up with where you tweeted things like, Masses, right? It's stupid thoughts that go out there. It was terrifying to see government suddenly start to use it as an official means of communication. This is a toy. This is like, can you imagine like, Covid being announced on people? It's mental. In nobody would understand where I was coming from with it and how unregulated it was and how easily it was to manipulate. And it still scares me that the very people who are expected to make laws about these tech cycles that are running away with things are the same people who can't find a front face and camera. Like it's honestly scaring.

25:11So was the real issue with being in Parliament as you were expected to help them with all their IT problems? This is like, chaining, chaining conversation. I want to say who the MP was, but there are still a politician, came to me and sat across from me and went, Mary, I need to tell you about this new app. It's fun. Do you like reading, don't you? They have audio books, they have albums, they have, and it's for fee, it's for fee as well. Do you know what, hold on, I'll find what it's called and got our phone and it's going, Spotify. Fucking hell. It was mental and there was a bit in my show where I would do talking about the voting system and how we would plead with them like, go ne modernize it. It's literally walking around corridors and getting locked in and chucked out and then somebody where a sword comes

26:12out is weird, right? And they finally came back and said, right, well, we will modernize it. And what used to happen was you would go up and there would be a member of a staff who would have this big roll of paper and you would give their name and they would get a black marker and score it and then you would walk through these doors that were at weird things and you would come out and that would be you voted. Their idea of modernizing voting is instead of there being this big, big paper and a highlighter, is now you beat your pass or you still have to do the walking about being locked in. See if I had to spend one more minute behind some boomer going, it's not working. I don't know. And me going, actually, I have a test call, Cobb Cobb. You know, that fucking... Oh, it's rough. I mean, it's, you know, it's great to, amazing about that experience, it's great to be able to turn that into comedy shows. You know, your level of knowledge about that is fantastic. But then also, I think, you know, then you'll presumably move onwards to, I mean,

27:15is the new show still political or is it? It's, I mean, it's a little bit political. I think, to be honest, I think everything I'll do for the rest of my life will be a bit practical. But no, it veers off into, you know, like, I've got a whole section on, because I've joined the gym. And the first time I told this show, somebody laughed out loud, and I was like, fuck you. So, like, there's wee stories there, and, you know, so I know it's more about life after politics, both in personal sense, and also the one old and how unfire is. Yeah, and I guess coming from the, has the parliament, you're the one person in the world who comedians aren't the worst company you could be. Oh, yeah, never. It's a delight. There's a, there's fewer sex-pests in there. Oh, the only, honestly. There's the only profession where there's fewer. And like, at least when comedians are being horrible, they're funny. Yeah. Yeah. Rather than just being horrible. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, no, it's, it's definitely been a, I mean, the late decision.

28:18Yeah, and you're happy, you seem happy. Oh, God, I know I'm not good. Well, you did seem unhappy. Yeah, fucking miserable. Man, the BBC made that don't keep any chill, but it was miserable. Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes. So you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra for you. That's A-E-R-I-E.com. Hi, this is Debbie Melman from The Design Matters Podcast, and today's episode is sponsored by Lexus.

29:21Design isn't just about function. It is about feeling. At Lexus, every detail is intentionally designed. Master artisans don't just focus on what you can see. They obsess over what you can feel. The way the door closes, the precise click of a switch, the acoustic feedback of every control. Because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing. Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer. Hi guys, it's Paige from Gagley Squad, and oh my god, I've been bingeing the Funniest TV show. FX's Adult, it's about five roommates living in New York. I mean, who would ever live in a house without many roommates? They're leaning on each other to navigate love, work, friendship, and family. Not relatable to me and Hannah at all. While tackling pressing questions of your 20s, like, what if the person who inherited your fake ID is cooler than you ever were? Why does being around your family make you regress into your worst self?

30:24And how do you tell your roommates that you have other friends? FX's Adult, all episodes now streaming on Hulu. I'm an even later, you've also done acting. You've just acted in it. Is that a big part in a drama about? Yeah, so it's, um, does this new BBC drama that's coming out, I think it's in the new year called Councils, but it's councils within, like, legal councils, not as in councils. And, uh, I was approached by somebody who came to see one of the shows and it turned out she was a casting director. Okay. And she got in touch and she said, look, there's this character that I think you'd be really good at. Do you want to come in and audition for it? And like all decisions in my life, I went, fuck it, I was, let's try it. So I went in and when I read the part, I was like, what is it about this cynical lesbian depressed with the system in upset institutional corruption that made you think of me?

31:24Um, so I did the audition and then I actually did two auditions and eventually they phoned me and went, right, you got it and I thought, I got it on my way to, way to you see what I shouted at the bafters says. So yeah, no, it was good. You know, it was, uh, six weeks and I think those eight episodes and I'm in four of them. Okay, cool. So I was not bad just. Everything just seems to fall into a lap, marry it. Seems like, I don't know, that's not fair. But like, it's like incredible to go, right, I'm gonna be an MP, I'm gonna be a comedian, I'm gonna be an actor and it just all sort of happens. I mean, I've got the scars to bear from my carelessness, but yeah, no, um, it's, do you know that there's something that my dad used to talk about? It was a, a concept that I think he came up with, where he talks about cloud hopping, right? And he used to say to me when I was, we, like, people always tell you, you need to keep striving for the top, you need to keep going and be your best. And then when you get there, you need to keep going.

32:25And he was like, no, sometimes you just want to enjoy life, you know, and then, so he said this concept of cloud hopping, when he says, you're sitting on your little cloud and there's other clouds floating by. And every now and then, one might pass and you go, oh, that looks all right. I said, I need to jump on it. If it doesn't, they work hop on it and other clouds, you know, and that's always kind of stuck with me. So it's kind of how I approach things and I'm lucky enough that, you know, it's things have gone well so far, you know. Yeah, definitely. I mean, you know, you've got, you've got a fantastic personality and this big personality, I guess, which does, it does sort of help us, but it's just, you seem incredibly confident, even if you may not be, it's like, you know, rippling anxiety and medication, guys. And then you're definitely going to be a fine comedian. You've got to look confident, but hate yourself. It'll be fine. There's no way out. Yeah, I'm fairly 40 years in. Between Catholicism and the Venus. Yes. I've got sheep and cobbled.

33:27We're all good, guys. We're all good. Well, it's very inspiring. It's really, it's really, and you also, you know, you play the guitar, you play the piano really well. I see you play the piano. I actually played the guitar, I think that's such a work. I played the guitar better than I played the piano. I do. But thank you very much, because I've, like, the guitar was what I grew up learning. Yeah. And really enjoyed it. And I think because of that, I can get a tune out of most things. And like in that documentary, they showed me playing a bit of the piano. I learned the three songs, and that's it. Okay. So I can't play any three albums on the piano, but if you want YouTube's with them without you, I'm there. That's all that is all I want. And the thing Titanic can do, which you've been obsessed with, Titanic. Oh, SACE. My, my, my son is also obsessed with the Titanic. He's, he is also as a, he has, well, I'm going to say where's he on the spectrum? Yeah, and he's gorgeous of an ADHD. You've sort of balanced each other out,

34:28but yeah, but he is, he's very much. I don't know, you, you claim you could navigate if someone gave you a move, but you say where you were. If they've been built with Titanic, I could be a tour guide. Okay. Easily, I know where everything is on it. Just obsessed with the actual boat and the fill of it. Yeah, it's, yeah. What, what, what, what got you into that? Which was it the film that did it? Yeah, I think so. I think it went through a winslet with a top off. I don't know what it was that got me. Do you know what first I used to think that my first crush was Leonardo DiCaprio, and then I realised, not I just wanted to be Jack Doughton with Kate Watt. That's, so yeah, not I've always been obsessed with Titanic. I've even got a Titanic tattoo on it. Wow. What does it say? Oh, you're not going to slag me. You know that bit where, where Rose meet some, we're, they invite Rose to go to the Irish party done in the stage, and he has a wee note, and it says,

35:28make it count, meet, make the clock. You know, I got that tattoo done. You know, because I'm cute. I saw this, I was watching horrible histories, because my son is also now obsessed with horrible histories. There was a guy who was in the boiler room of the Titanic who then was on three other ships, looks, the tank and done, but died in his bed. He was, you know that guy? Yes. Do you know what's cool? A nice name. Do you know if you gave me the first layer of the floor? I don't remember, I can't remember now. Same with Molly Brown, she was on the lawn. There was a nurse on two or three. Yes, she survived also on the Olympic. That's a stuff. If you'd been on the Titanic, would you get on another ship? Do you think you'd think? Or they wouldn't let me on the Titanic. Like, see when I would love to go back in history, right? Yeah. But I always, I met with the same problem, which is the moment I arrived at any point in history. I'd be dead in a heartbeat. Like there's no chance I'm surviving sex or something,

36:29misogyny or the rest of it. I'm going to wear a dress on a boat. Please. Oh, we. So no, I've only lasted longer than I've ever done. There is a theory that Titanic is only sunk because of the number of time travelers that are on there. So you could be, if you could literally just teleport onto the Titanic, you could be... Oh, I would be the only one. The place I would choose to go, unless you've got a very good exit boy. As long as I knew I could get off, I'd be alright. You see these things now quite a lot on social media where they're using AI to go back and recreate this stuff. Yeah. And it's sort of a mixed... There was one of the Titanic. There was one of a woman going to the day, J.F.K. and J.F.K. died. And they're arriving at the airport and she's just waving and going great. And then she spends the rest of it trying to chase them to warn them about the assassination that's coming. Why don't you just say when she was right next to them at the airport? Why don't you just say they're going... Yeah. Well, it's a dangerous thing to do. If you change that, you'll see to exist. Mary, you've got to think about that. Oh, I'm not saying...

37:29If J.F.K. If J.F.K. I'm not saying you're advocating going back with the Titanic. Look at the opposite. I do advocate going back with the Titanic. I would go on, I would run up the front, I would fly to the airport, and then I'd go home. It's fine. It's fine. Would you want? Would you tell them, get some binoculars? Find some binoculars? Do you know those actually an interesting story about the binoculars? Yeah, I do. Because they didn't have binoculars on the Titanic. Which, of course, the cruise nurse should have had. And that is because the guy who was originally put on the shift to do the Titanic had an emergency the last minute. I think his sister went in the hospital, and he ran off with the key in his pocket that had the binoculars. So they had no access to binoculars on the night the Titanic said. They could have broken that lock, didn't they? I mean, yeah, but... They were above it. They thought we can't see. They were like, we can't find... And they have guys, you know, I can see it's fine. Like typical straight white man on the top is fine. And the other factor, because I know a lot about, because of my son. Yep. But the other ship nearby was warning them about icebergs,

38:32and they were going to go and I f**k off. We're going to f**k off to the point they turned off all their systems. So the Titanic came back where it's tailed between its legs, grunge, who's making you save us? That just fell on death years because you turned the surface. So it was arrogant white men that brought it that sank the Titanic. Full circle. It's like me and Parliament going, don't be a cunt. Save lives. Right, let me ask you some emergency questions. I've no whatcha want I'm going to ask you. Right. Have you ever seen a ghost, Mary? No. I didn't think you would have. No. There's loads of ghosts in Scotland now. Do you know what I'm... Right, I tend to think it's a lot of shite. Okay. Right. Tent to think there will be a rational explanation for it. But there are... And I... The three that come to mind of people have made. One of them is more on the thing, when I'm like, I just can't explain it. And maybe someday something will explain it. But that falls on the category of maybe, because I've gotten a better idea than you do. Okay. So, um...

39:33But on the whole map... What is the one that falls into the category of maybe...? The... Like so, my... My uncle, he had moved in this house. And he was like, having his wife didn't like the vibe of the house. And the thing is, he doesn't talk shite, right? It's like, he's a reliable guy. Um... And they didn't like the feel of the house. And my cousin was three years old at the time. And came up to him and says, Dad, I don't like this room. And he was like, I know, he went because of the lady. And he goes, I've got the lady standing right there. And I'm like, oh no, I've been living in my heart for eight more. No, no, I'm no playing the rat. And he's no the kind of guy that... Like, he's rational. He's like me, he thinks he's a lot of shite. But that's one where he's like, no, that's spooked me. Yeah. In three years. In three years, I was going to say, my son used to see ghosts in history. Yeah. But he claims to be half ghosts. And I told the story a lot of times, but he wants to appear as a ghost to me and I put my hand through him. It's true. I believe in ghosts.

40:34My mother-in-law insists that when she dies, we keep her ashes and carry them about with her. So, in case ghosts aren't real, so that we can insult people on her behalf. And if that's what you want, I... We'll do that. We can do that. That's better. That's better. That's better than a ghost. Let's see, I'll pick a random one. Let's see what we get. I mean, you're already married, but if you had to marry a piece of furniture, if you had to, I never asked this question before, which piece of furniture would you marry? And I'll give you my answer. Right. Because this will infuriate everyone in the room. I would marry the coronation chair that is in Westminster Abbey, but only if they reinstate the stone of school and into the base. It's ours! Is there a chair? Is there a piece of furniture you'd like to marry? No, terrible question. I have my bed. You bet. Yeah, man. It's the place I feel happiest.

41:35It's the place that's safest. It's where the action happens. It's the best place to be, man. It's great. So I'd marry my bed. All right, one more, and then we'll return to... I want to talk to you about some Prime Ministers. And what you actually said about them. Oh, these are terrible. All right, let's see about this. Would you rather have a pituitary gland that gave you a wish every 13 years? There's some questions in here. I don't remember writing or stuff saying before. So you're a pituitary gland that give you a wish every 13 years. Right. Or a tap on your knee that gives you limitless cider. And there's some conditions. The pituitary gland does not allow you to wish for cider. Not with slow attempts. You take a trick you. So that 40% of the time, your wish is backfire in a way that humiliates you. And it also doesn't allow you to wish for infinity wishes. Or that no wishes should humiliate you. This isn't in the book. Also, it doesn't produce iodine. So all your hormones are fucked up and you can't wish your way out of it.

42:38But you still get 6% good wishes. They're not very often. Probably best go for the cider. That's what I've said. What do you think? This is why we read the terms of the dishes. Initially, I would have gone into the wishes because I don't like cider. But following all the caveats, I would take the cider because at least then I could make a profit. Yeah, you can sell it to other people. I don't know how it works. Or I would be so popular at parties. I don't know how much cider it would actually produce. I mean, we haven't. Would you even notice if it wasn't cider? It was producing. It tastes like parsley. Why would anybody want cider? I'd like to drink my first share of cider. But I'd like to drink it. I came to London and I went out with my friends. At the end of the evening, we got pints of scrumpy. I'd downed like three pints of proper scrumpy. Then I passed out and I was sick and passed out on the corridor and nearly died. So I'd like to drink in cider. Sorry, sorry, some of the... I mean, you're just proven by argument.

43:40This is not nice. It's not nice. But when you're 14 years old and you have to go... In the inpatient go-up is cheddar gourd with some woodpecker cider. When you're 14, anything goes... It does. It did, but I'm fucking out. We were out in pubs back then. It was much better in the old days. Now you have to go to Parliament to get drunk, so that's the end of the process. It's cheap enough. So let's talk about the prime ministers. There was a rumor. Oh, there was an allegation that you called Rishi Sunaka dickhead. Oh, yeah, that was in raging. Yeah. Because I actually didn't know... What did you call it? It was on camera. That's the bad thing about that on camera, isn't it? That documentary. Someday for the press team texted me and said, going to have a look at this. And whenever I get a text for the press team, it was never good, right? So I opened it and it was... I think it was a daily express saying that I'd call Rishi Sunaka dickhead. And I was like genuinely, I don't think it is. I mean, it's possible, but I don't think it is.

44:42So I went back and I watched it again and I was like, that doesn't even look like that kid. See these people, they don't understand Scottish. So that occasion, I didn't... Have I ever called Rishi Sunaka dickhead? Yes, absolutely. Just to describe him. So yeah, in that instance, I didn't, but you know, I think he is. Yeah. So... Tell you know, it was... You know, it was like, he had one situation. How many Prime Ministers did you serve under? Did you get through... There must be quite a lot. David Cameron, Theresa May, then Boris Johnson, then Liz Truss for five minutes, then Rishi Sunaka. Yeah. And that's it, was it that one? Yeah, and then Kier Starmer came and I stood down. So I got five. It's pretty amazing. Who was your favourite of those five? Do you know what...

45:42Oh! I mean, I look back and I go, I think, Theresa May, you kind of go, that would have been maybe the one, but she... She annoyed me because there was... On a level, on a human level, I was like, you're not stupid, you're clever, and you're also not heartless. So why are you behaving like that? Do you know what I mean? And at least with Boris, you go, oh, you're just an out and out practice. You're just actually being what you advertised. You would be that... Whereas with Theresa May, I was like, no, you're... It was almost like you're better than this, it was kind of thing. Yeah. Um, Liz Truss didn't know where she was. Honest to go, I haven't never seen anything like it in my life. It was as though, whenever you've seen her in the corridor, it was as though somebody, like, a carer had brought her in in the morning and told her, everybody here is here for your birthday party,

46:43and she would just wander around the corridors, and she would look here and you'd feel like, you're right, you're sure. And Carrie, what are you... To the point when I was like, she's on something, like, maybe floats about like that and lessens her back head, you know, going through the veins, but no, she was truly just a blivest to the world, I don't know. It was fascinating. Yeah. I am... When she was in power, I found her quite sexy. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, you know, it's an easier job. Oh! There aren't many. For both of us, it's easier to say which Prime Minister would you chag out of all the ones that have ever been? It's hard if you've attracted to men. Lesson... There's more of them. I would put Rashi over Liza's. Okay. I... I would... Oh, man. Was she... She wouldn't even know what she was. Yeah. It would feel like abuse. Like, she's... Do you know how meaningless? No, no. She's no other there. And you... She's all getting the impression that, you know,

47:43there's a lot of people in there, but you get the impression you would know everyone that you would end up talking to her, but you didn't really... You ended up talking to David Cameron once, is that right? Yeah, that was it. I still... The way I... So it was after the Maiden speech, and... I... There's this room called the Teer Room, right? And it's the only place in Parliament where nobody's allowed other than MPs. Right? There's no journalists. There's no... Like, it's... Skeleton staff in it, but it's just MPs. Now I went in and just found a seat, right? But it turns out that the Teer Room is set up like the cafeteria in Mingirls. The movie? It's genuinely, right? It's like Labour's set here, the Tories set there, they're labed themselves there. So I had sat in this seat not known what was waiting some day stopped me. Oh, yeah, you shouldn't be sitting here. You should be over there. And I was like, well, I'm good at stealing seats. And then... LAUGHTER Didn't go down there. LAUGHTER So I'm sitting there losing them out, ill of, and then, what was David Cameron, right? And I was just sat there like,

48:45fuck, it was pretty honest though. And he stopped and he looked at me, and he came over and he goes, it's Mario's isn't it? And I was like, close it off there. And he says, yes, I caught your maiden speech on YouTube. LAUGHTER I saw it and I was thoroughly impressed. I thought it was magnificent. I didn't agree with the word you said. But I really did. I was truly found it quite inspirational. And I, 20 years of age, got to look at the play, Man, I saw, and there, white says I, he's in go, did you? LAUGHTER It's great. I dined out on that pop story for years. But he was there and when you talked to him, you never talked to Boris. Eh... Boris never made a move on you. No, purely because I think he thought, what was that teenage boy doing on you? LAUGHTER Eh... I...

49:45I ain't like, briefly, maybe like, going, excuse me, like something like that. Like, because you're in close proximity because when you get votes particular, when they were as intense as they were in Brexit, you are, you're constantly robbing shoulders where, you know, folk that you wouldn't want to. Yeah, yeah. And suddenly folk are in spitting distance for you. And I know I tried. It's... LAUGHTER So as it's, you know, you're constantly robbing shoulders with people and it... And then when you're locked in these lobbies, and you're like, there's sex person here, and I'm literally locked in a corridor, or, you know, it was... It was not a fun place to spend your 20s. LAUGHTER And now, guess there was a... There must have been like a degree of jealousy as well, just because you would... You became such a... Yeah. That opening speech was just such a big moment, even the even David Cameron opened YouTube to watch, rather than going and fucking watching it live, the prick. LAUGHTER But, you know, there was like 10 million people

50:46viewed it, didn't they? Was something like that? All of them were my mum. My mum. LAUGHTER No, it was... Yeah, no, it was mental, because like, I'd be walking around Parliament and cause everything new, Marface. Yeah. It was... Hellish, because they'd come. I married. How married? I thought, hi, I... You. LAUGHTER You know, I thought it was too much, because, like, I mean, there's 650 of us, sort of. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't even name every day in my year at school, you know, and it was... So, you know, it was a... It was a strange existence, they felt... Yeah. They felt... Yeah, no, it's... It's... It's so... It's such a crazy system, I just... And you think, Scotch Independence has any chance of... I mean, it was... There was a moment there, and there was a moment when you had the vote, but even after the vote. And especially with Brexit going the other way. I mean, I would have been furious about that if I'd been... As... It's like, genuinely, I think Scotland will become independent. Yeah. It's just a question of fine and how. Right? And even if that means that one day,

51:48you've got Westminster suddenly going, actually, they're no making enough money for their lighting. We're kicking you out of here. Right? If that's the scenario that ends up happening, it might well be the case, but the union, as it is just now, is not going to survive. It's not going to survive. Unless they... At least attempt to modernise it. And if modernising the voting systems, anything to go by, they are not good at modernising. So I do think it's inevitable. But it's just a matter of when. And is it something that you're still fighting for, or are you just sort of... Are you a step back, or is it something that... I mean, fighting for it in the sense that I'm not scared to talk about it. You know what I mean? And I'll talk to anybody about it. And if somebody comes to me, almost wanting to be convinced, strapping, I'll buy you a time. We can go through this. I've got a binder at home, ready to go. It's sat right beside the gauge, Ender. And... So, you know what? It's just I'm not living and breathing it every single second of every single day.

52:54Because especially when I get diagnosed with ADHD, I realised that how I ended up in politics was I basically hyper-focused on independence. Yes. And didn't stop. And it's like the only way I can describe it is, you know, that batting forest gump, where he's running, right? And he's just been running for ages, and he's getting a big beard and everything. And eventually just goes, I think I'm done now. That was me. Yeah. That was actually just that. I think I'm done. Yeah. And so, again, I still believe it still will do whatever I can for it, but it doesn't dictate my life in the same way that it used to. Okay. And that's a welcome change for me. Yeah, I mean, it sort of feels... I mean, it does feel like we're coming to a pivotal moment. And I think, like, I don't know, something terrible could happen, which will allow us to reset that sort of the best hope. It's something they all felt. I mean, there's so much going wrong, you know, that we're climbing it as well, but, you know, potential war and everything. And it feels like everything does need to move on.

53:54It would be nice if there was, you know, the United Kingdom worked as an idea, and everyone got on the move. And it was fair, but, you know, I can completely understand... Like, in terms of... It's the same way I support being an independent Scotland and Europe. It's... I don't have an aversion to unions. It's... They've got to be fair. They've got to be on an equal footing. It's... It's... It's got to be a union of actual equals, rather than just calling it that. When an actual fact is just a really strong conversion of the British Empire. Yeah. And... Until that changes... No, I don't want it to be part of any union that, you know, is unequal. But... No. And that changed... Cool, I'm... I mean, I mean, I know not that the Brexit vote was thought through in any way at all, but I would actually be implemented if it didn't go the way they thought it would go. But I mean, given that I think England was the only country that... I was England in Wales before the Brexit. So, like, it should have been every country as does...

54:56Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Or even if it wasn't a case of every country, Northern Ireland got a sweet deal, the sort of version of both worlds, but Scotland got told no you can't have that. Yeah. And it's purely because Scotland's in a position where they can tell us that, whereas Ireland, of course, is a, you know, a can of worms on its own, but that's a can of worms that would explode in a way that's not beneficial to Westminster at all. So, that's why they, you know, they'll back down on certain things there, but not in Scotland. So, I think that was the bit that really pissed other of the off was, we'd actually come into the table saying, right, if you want to go through Brexit, fine, but we didn't. So, what you're going to give us, what you're going to fight, and they just went, nothing for you to be afraid. And yeah, that's a shit state of a fail. Well, you know, we're reaping what we sow, to thank you, thank you, British public. And the other people who voted it for it are all dead.

55:58Oh, enough, enough for them are. It only takes half, you know, it's literally half a million people have voted the other way. Yeah. Then that, you know, and that's such a stupid thing to make, to make it to go, oh, we're going to have hard Brexit as a result of a 52, 48. It should be a very, very soft Brexit. What was scary during Brexit was seeing how it was a handful of people, and a handful of very small, wealthy interests that dictated the entire thing. Yeah. Because like, so for months, Parliament, five years, Parliament was running rungser in itself, getting all sorts of contortions trying to be everything to everybody, and trying to make things possible in Brexit that literally weren't possible. And that they knew weren't possible when they were arguing for it. And instead of, you know, coming clean about that, we've just delved into this world of, it's true, because I say it's true, and you know, it's not, let's start bringing back.

57:00Let's bring back shame. Let's bring back embarrassment. You know, these people promised you everything, and have not just failed to deliver. They have done the exact opposite. That shouldn't have been awarded, you know, and right now, nobody's faced the consequences of it. And seeing politicians running about trying to, you know, please, that's a very small group of wealthy individuals to the detriment of the rest of the years. And they get out of here. It's just the place. So you're glad that I'm here. You're too late to move. I mean, I'm not sure if you're right, though, basically, architect for all this. And still, I mean, you know, I'm getting increasingly not so, but, yeah, could possibly be Prime Minister, even despite being, it's sort of an amazing bit. You know, he's the most successful politician. He's the most generous. And it's also scary, because now people just treat it as though Nigel forages the problem, and don't get me wrong here, as a big fucking problem. But he's not the only one.

58:00It's all of the people that are backing him. It's all of the vested interests, the chess pieces that are moving to the detriment, as I say, of your average person, and that they're getting away with it. That's the fact that I'm like, when's the revolution, you know. I'll build a guillotine. I'll build a guillotine. I'm not only the green party, I'll wear a T-shirt. I'll wear a fucker. You know what, it's, maybe start treating for the same viciousness that they are treating every day else. You know what, it's, it's, But, you know, what, I mean, if you look at history, it hasn't worked out so well. Most of the fascists in the past, it's like they don't look, if you sort of wake this beast up, and then, you know, then you lose control of it. But also, I suppose what's scary though, is that even just Nigel Farage exists, and then being given the platform, and the funding that he's had over the last 10, 15 years, it's not just his rise, it's the problem, it's that he has dragged everyone else to the right with him,

59:02so that now what is considered centrist politics is actually right, wing politics. And anything that is moderately left is described as far left, because everything's been shifted so far, the right, and that's the biggest success of Nigel Farage, is that even if he goes the more, it doesn't matter, because it's now okay to be as laminophobic in the Tory party, it's now okay to be transphobic in the Labour party, it's now okay for people to be marching in the street when that's a silenced and that's a flags, that's what his legacy is. You know, so it's less about the individual and more about or a damage that has came behind it, and that's going to take years to undo, and right now I don't think anyone in power has even had met the scale of the problem, so yeah, to press and as always, guys. Yes. We've got five minutes to turn around. To marry. Yes. I think of something to get. Yes. Good. Yes. The next thing I've got written down is death threats.

1:00:03Let's not go there. Let's not go into. All of them came from my brother. Oh, damn. I mean, you know, it is, it's, there are so many terrible things, and obviously we've seen like with politicians, there is that danger of, you know, of threats to you, which you did go through. Yeah, yeah, right. And then in a way, getting the threats is probably less worrying than because it seems to just happen out of nowhere if it does happen. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, the threats are sort of like, we're just trying to scare the shit out of you, whereas... Yeah, I mean, there is one occasion for the police came in my door, like one or two in the morning, and that was one that I was like, oh shit, this is real technic serious, I suppose I should. And but whereas before then, I was like, I don't care. It was more when it started directing at my loved ones that I suddenly felt what they must have been feeling the whole time because when it was just me under threat, I was like, I'll be fine. I know how it takes some days,

1:01:04cool. Whereas the minute you suddenly, or no, it's my wife. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this has suddenly become so much realer. Yeah, that kind of brought home the realities of it. But yeah, I mean, if you're getting death threats, you're pressing off someday, and as long as it's for the right reasons, then go for it, man. Everything's done. It's good, that's good. All right, we'll end with an emergency question. Now I'll try and find a depressing one. Let's, I'll ask her, I don't need to read out, but I haven't asked it for a little. I tend to ask this one in Edinburgh now, because we've asked it a lot. It's number two in the book. The number one, there's no point in asking you. It's not possible. Can you show everybody the drawing? There's a picture of a penis there. Question number one is, have you ever tried to set your own cock? And when we could make that, I'll perform more of sex on yourself. Question number two is, which would you prefer? A hand made out of ham or an armpit that spends his sun cream? I mean, there's, we don't mind if time does. And our purpose does what?

1:02:05Yeah, I've dispensed his sun cream. I mean, you know, or no, I'd go for the sunscreen. Yeah. And also, you're under arms head and a bit. Yeah. So yeah, not that easy, but as a ham, you would be embarrassed about the ham hand if you had a hand made of ham. And Is that what you're saying? It wouldn't last long as long, like the sake of a ham. And also, I've got to grow back. You grow back, you grow back. I don't want my pet eating my ass. You know, I just, because it all grow back. It was, hmm, that's wrong. No, no, what I, if I can protect you from sun damage, battering, you know. I mean, I say, is it getting sunny up here in Scotland now with global warming? As that, you missed it. There was a three weeks of summer. And that's over. So, without a stonch, you know. I mean, you need the sun, especially the red heads up here will need that sun cream. So you'll be very popular with people coming in. I look, it's really loved to meet you. Good luck with the show. Thank you, Pia. I think just for you doing a couple of shows here. Yeah, no, they're sold out. So they are out of luck. Thank you, Pia. Thank you for next year.

1:03:05And when you're on tour in the coming months as well. So thank you very much. Mary back, Linda. Thank you, everyone. Come back. We're here all week and next week as well. Thank you very much. Cheers. You have been listening to Rehalister Bow with me, Richard Herring and my guest, Mary Black. Thank you to Scanregard for doing the music. I'm indebted to James Hingley, old Bollings and Nairing himself. Thank you also to Ben Evans, not that one. And Chris Evans, not that one. And everyone at Stand Three and the amazing Stand Comedy Club in Edinburgh do visit if you're ever in the city. This is the Sky Potato Fuzz and GoFuzzTheStrike.com production. Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Ari. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder

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1:05:12I'm Hannah. I've lost 75 pounds in 20 months with GLP1s plus diet and exercise. On row, I've gone from struggling to run a mile to running farther every day. You can access FDA-approved GLP1s online. Get the support you need to reach your weight loss goals. Go to row.co-slash-weight to see if you qualify. I'm a paid row partner. 20% average weight loss in one year and non-diabatics with obesity or overweight with a weight-related medical condition versus 3.1% in placebo arm. RxOnly. To stay informed about serious side effects, go to row.co-slash-safety. Thanks very much for listening. Do listen to another podcast now if you can. What of mind, preferably, but the whole genre is very good. Richetown.com, slash-rehello-stuff. If you wanna come see one of those final live shows, go fast to striped.com slash badges. If you wanna give us some money to help us carry on making the stupid other podcasts that I do. And you can join me on Substack as well. I've got a daily blog on Substack, which you can subscribe to if you wish. Anyway, have a nice day.

1:06:14I hope you enjoy whatever's going on in your life and may your God go with you.