My Boyfriend Hides Me From His Kids

And my boyfriend, him, I have been dating for almost two years.

I have yet to meet his kids.

I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by, even though they know he has a girlfriend

because he said it's their best told him to date in secret.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show.

As of this recording, I think I'm on day five with no power here in Nashville, the winter

storm is still right on top of us.

And I've been out of the state.

I got back a couple days ago and it's just been chaos and being out of state, I was in

the wilderness with my son and some friends on a trip.

And I didn't have any access to any sort of signal and I got back and see all this insanity

going on in the country, not to mention it in my house right now.

And I don't have anything profound to say.

It's just a mess.

And I'm going to keep doing what I've always done, which is when things get messy, when things

get wild, I'm going to stay anchored in so that other people can anchor into me.

I'm going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move from my house

from my home, from my neighbors and then on from there.

And if you feel like everything spun out, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Just know that it spun out for me, spun out for everybody I know and I'm going to keep

plowing forward.

Let's stay right here in the frozen Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Katie.

Hey, Katie.

What's up?

Hey, thank you for speaking with me today.

You got it.

What's going on?

Okay.

My boyfriend, him, I have been dating for almost two years.

I have yet to meet his kid who was one is 15 and one is 19.

We don't live in the same area.

So I drive two hours and 45 minutes on a good day whenever I go there.

And I might have to sit in my car for hours until they finally go to their mom's house.

I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by to grab something.

Even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said his therapist told him to date

in secret.

What?

Yes.

Yeah.

And she did.

I mean, like, I know that he's not lying about that.

And so their mom is with her last affair partner and they're fine with him.

But it's more of, he had introduced somebody he was dating before me to them.

And they didn't like that he was spending time with her kid or spending money on her.

And so he doesn't want to upset his girls and so he's going to lie to his daughters.

I mean, they know that he's dating somebody like I've given and left Christmas present,

graduation present.

Yeah.

But I believe him.

I do believe him.

Why?

He lies to his family.

Of course he's lying to you.

You think?

Yes.

That one hurts, I say.

I know.

But you know that's true, Katie.

I mean, I would hope to not think that one.

You don't think he said they were from me?

He's lying to his 19.

These aren't like four and six year old.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'll ask you.

If behavior is a language, what does he told you?

I know.

I know that.

I know.

And everybody has said that.

And I know it.

And I know it.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

And I just think.

I know he has broken from being cheated on so many times with his ex.

How long ago did they break up?

They have.

So they've been apart.

Four years.

And the divorce was final two years.

Okay.

No, I'm sorry.

Three years.

Okay.

So let me just put you at ease.

Okay.

And I'm going to break your heart.

Okay.

You can't fix him.

You can't fix him.

I don't think he's broken.

I think he got hurt.

And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing.

And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing.

And then hold on.

Listen, it starts with.

You don't fix a lack of integrity getting cheated on a bunch by lying to your adult daughter.

I mean, you're that.

You don't fix being cheated on by looking at a woman that you've been with for two years

and say, I will never come to you.

You're too far away.

You come to me.

That's not a relationship.

You're home health.

You're a hospice nurse going to him.

Sitting in the car for hours.

That is not the way you treat anyone with.

I wouldn't treat up like a club.

I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody.

Someone I couldn't stand.

I wouldn't make him sit in a car for two hours.

I know.

I know.

Here's what this rings.

There's one or two things happening either this guy is.

Like the most generous interpretation I could give you is that this guy is.

Super, super, super misguided trying to do the best he can.

Or.

And away more plausibly.

He has one if not more other girlfriends in that community.

And he doesn't want like like ghost busters doesn't want to cross the streams.

Okay.

But please, that's where I think it's the misguided.

And I'm going to tell you why.

Okay.

Because I have met everyone in his friends.

Like his mom and dad, loved me.

So I've met all of his family except his daughter, which they supposedly, and I'm sure

that ex-wife has told them not like this.

But I will tell you his therapist is not great because she even told him.

That's terrible.

Her husband always tells people that they should get married only once the right to stop being happy.

So he likes to tell that to me because she told him that.

I don't know what kind of therapist would say that to somebody who.

An ethical, unprofessional one.

Right.

Okay.

I know, but listen, listen, listen, listen to what I'm trying to say though.

Okay.

I get bad advice from people all over the world every day of my life.

I get to decide what I do next.

Sure.

And I don't care what his, he is hiding behind.

Well, I'd marry you, but my therapist said I should not, that's cowardice.

It's a lack of integrity.

So what he, the fact that he keeps getting bad wisdom and keeps going back and paying this person.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, it's never a counseling session.

Even said she just laughed the whole time and they gossip about stuff.

The doctor said, what should I do?

I like.

You have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, what am I worth?

And if the life you want to live, you're a grownup.

In my neighborhood, if you want to continue to date somebody three hours away from you,

who refuses to come visit you, refuses to be honest about you.

Right.

Then you are, you are within your right to do that.

If you are a close friend of mine, if you were my sister, I would say, just, you're worth so much more than this.

You're worth somebody who will drive.

Can I say something's going to make me sound like I'm trying to brag and I'm not?

Is that cool?

Yeah.

Please.

I left a trip that my son and I have been planning for a year.

I left it early to get home so that I could be with my wife in the middle of this crazy storm.

I could not get home fast enough.

I moved flights.

I drove a crazy condition like whatever it takes to get home to my wife and my daughter.

You deserve that.

But do you think maybe he's just like where I'm so always there and stable?

Maybe he just is taking me for granted or am I being stupid and making excuses?

I don't think those are two mutually exclusive things.

I think his life is about as perfect as it can be.

He has a girlfriend who just comes at his back and calls requires nothing of him.

Right.

It feels so little about herself that she'll sit in a car for hours so that he can play patty cake pretend with his adult kid.

He deserves a woman in his life who will stand up and say, no, I refuse to be hidden.

Yes, if this was week two, week three, I get him saying, I'm not ready for you to meet the kids.

Great.

Month six.

Great.

I could be out too lunch.

Super wrong.

I'd be willing to put money on the table right now that those kids never even got those presents.

I could be wrong.

I'd lose that 50 bucks.

That's fine.

I mean, I just want to believe him.

I know you do.

I know you do.

I know you want so badly to believe him.

And my guess is he's got some pretty amazing qualities about him too, right?

He's quite funny, quite charming.

He probably tells you that you're beautiful all the stuff, right?

No, that's just it.

And that's where I know that I'm stupid.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not going to let you talk bad about yourself on the show.

Well, Dr. Zaw and I can tell you that in two years, he has only given me two compliments.

And he says he's not going to do that again.

Why?

Because he was hurt and I get that back fired on him.

So no, he's not.

He doesn't, you know, just compliment any or any of that stuff now.

So why do you keep sticking your hand back in the bag hoping that I get bit by the rattlesnake?

This has nothing to do with him or his daughters or his family.

You're right.

I guess I was just thinking that he might be like my worst.

Yeah.

And I get it.

What you're saying.

What's your relationship like with your dad?

He's deceased.

Okay.

What was it like?

I mean, he wasn't great.

I know what you're saying.

What about your mom?

She's, you know, she.

No, tell me the truth.

I'm talking about, I'm talking about nine-year-old Katie.

Yeah.

No, not great just because of the relationship her and my father had.

I mean, they were married, you know, until he passed away, but it was not a good marriage.

No.

My guess is you've spent your whole life wondering what was so wrong with you.

And you'll show them.

Yeah, and fixing things that weren't mine to fix, yeah.

That's so exhausting.

You have no idea.

Can I tell you your worth so, so much more?

So much more.

I wish I was that way.

I know.

And let me tell you, the feeling that you have is powerful and it's wrong.

And I know that's disorienting.

I have them all the time.

Feelings.

I feel this thing is inaccurate.

Right.

And so an important part of growth is challenging those feelings and asking the question, is this true?

Right.

And so when you feel like, I don't feel like I can find somebody in my local community who will just cherish the crap out of me.

You can exhale and say, is that true?

The answer is no.

Right.

Because can I be honest with you?

This is also a safe relationship for you.

You're right.

Because you don't have to deal with the sunlight of somebody seeing you and knowing you and celebrating you.

And if you've never been truly seen and known and celebrated that light when somebody shines it on you is a lot.

You feel exposed.

You feel vulnerable.

You feel naked on a street corner, right?

You're right.

And so it's easier to stay in the dark with your head down, giving and giving and giving and giving and giving.

Until you find yourself with a guy, three hours away, who tells you to your face, I will never compliment you again.

Because I did that once and I got hurt.

Right.

God almighty.

It's embarrassing on behalf of all of men.

Right.

No, I know.

Any man has his girlfriend or partner or wife to sit in the car to hide you.

Any man who lies to his daughters?

I mean, that's the epitome of lower respect.

I can't tell you what to do next.

You've got to own that decision.

I know.

I know.

Thank you.

But hear me say, you're not crazy.

And you don't think he will change.

100% zero.

Or he might, but it won't be because you kept hiding in this closet.

And by the way, I don't want anyone I know, anyone I speak to to be with somebody who doesn't look for every opportunity to celebrate their romance.

I know.

Okay.

But you're worth seeking that out.

And when you, when you finally meet somebody who will tell you that you're beautiful, tell you that these cookies you made are amazing, tell you that they're so grateful that you drove to come see them.

Someone who will drive through ice storms and from three states,

force five states over to get to see you and make sure you're okay so that you can roll your eyes and be like, I'm fine.

I didn't need you to come home.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

When you find that person, that's going to feel like too much, like scary.

Right.

And then you're going to have to challenge that feeling and say, is this person scary?

Scary?

Or is this person finally celebrating me?

Right.

And you're worth that.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this for you.

I'm so sorry.

Everybody's worth being seen.

Everybody's worth being known.

And everybody's worth being celebrated and challenged.

And listen, if you weren't seen and you weren't known and you weren't celebrated as a kid and you were just challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge,

it's hard.

It is hard to accept that in adult relationships.

From friends, from coworkers, from romantic partners.

It's hard.

And that is worth fighting for.

To be truly seen, truly known, truly celebrated.

And those three things buy you permission to challenge and call people out.

That's the essence of a good relationship.

You're worth more than this, Katie.

It's an honor to get to talk to you.

Whatever decision you make next will be with you.

We'll be right back.

I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John Deloney show, Shady Rays.

We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in a deer stand in the mountains

or at a gas station 700 miles back.

I have lost so many pairs of sunglasses.

And here's why.

I didn't care about them.

But then I found Shady Rays and it has changed everything.

I love these sunglasses and I will never lose them.

These sunglasses are made for real life.

They look great.

They're durable.

They reduce glare and protect against UV rays.

And they're not stupid expensive.

And here's the best part.

Shady Rays is backed by lost and broken protection.

That means if you do lose or break them, even the first day, Shady Rays will send you a brand new pair.

So now I can wear my sunglasses anywhere driving, fishing, hunting, working in the yard,

maybe even to an outdoor punk rock show without fear.

And now I've joined forces with Shady Rays to bring you an exclusive offer.

Head to ShadyRays.com and use Codelone for get this 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.

Try the Shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people for yourself just in time for spring heading into summer.

That's ShadyRaysR-A-Y-S dot com.

Two things my listeners care deeply about are sleeping well and raising kids.

I care about these things too.

And this is why I trust beam for both things.

It's why I use their products in my own home.

It's why I use their products to sleep.

It's why I use their products with my kids.

When I need a great night's sleep, I drink Beams Dream Powder.

It takes like 30 seconds to mix and it helps me fall asleep faster, sleep deeper, and wake up clear with no grogginess, no weird chemicals.

Just science-backed ingredients that work with your body, not against it.

Things like magnesium, meltheane, melatonin, and Rishi and more.

It comes in great flavors like sea salt, caramel, and cinnamon cocoa.

It's so delicious.

And for my kids, I use Beams Kids Super Powder.

It's packed with vitamins and my kids actually like it.

Which, if you're a parent, you know that matters.

Listen, a great day starts the night before.

And Beams Dream Powder helps me rest and show up well for the people I love.

Right now, Beam is giving my listeners an amazing deal.

Go to shopbeam.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney and get 20 bucks off all Beam products.

That's shop, SHOP.

Shopbeam.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to get $20 off all Beam products.

Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and take a call from John.

Hey, John, what's up, dude?

Hey, John, how are you doing, brother?

I'm good, man. How about you?

Sure, you hear this a lot, but huge fan been listening for a long time.

And just recently getting through a hard time in my marriage with my wife.

And it was what happened.

That has been recently left our church many years.

What we were serving as leaders.

And there was basically a co-pastor, very charismatic and definitely liked hugging people.

And long story short, the friendship grew and the main problem is my wife.

What she claims and I threw my eyes were having innocent conversations through text messages, but a little too, you know, just too close.

And so we said some boundaries and hold on.

Let me let me make sure I'm following you.

You and your wife went to this local church for a while.

There was a real charismatic co-pastor who was a little too handsy, little too touchy-feely, and also ended up texting your wife a lot.

And she texted him back and did you see those texts? Were they making uncomfortable?

Yes, so we were leaders, so rightfully so we were communicating through text a lot about church business just to keep it simple.

And yeah, the first time it made me uncomfortable and we sat boundaries.

Like, hey, this got to stop even though nothing looks bad on the surface.

I would still like you to stop.

So, you know, like let's make a group text, no one-on-one messages.

But as time going on went on, you know, like little stuff here and there, kind of just somehow they ended up texting again.

Let's back up.

Part of this part of what I do here is I just want to like peel away any of our defense mechanisms just so we can see reality clearly.

So reality is she was texting this guy back and forth, some work stuff, some personal stuff.

My guess is you're trying to be a man of integrity right now and not talk about about your wife, which I plot.

But there was some stuff that you saw in that exchange. Maybe it was the volume of text. Maybe it was the personal information shared that you were like, whoa, too much.

I don't like this.

I see this guy and my wife has done this.

I've got a terrible radar when I'm talking to people out.

My wife will say like, hey, watch out for her.

And I'm like, why? Why? Why? She just like, I know.

And she has never been wrong, never.

And so you had that same radar go off with this dude.

You see all these texts with him and your wife. You tell your wife.

Like, this is too far for me.

This is like, we're going to create a boundary and she said, cool, I'm in.

And then she violated that and started texting this dude on this. It didn't just happen.

She started communicating with him behind your back again.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay. So let me say this.

I don't care what the messages were.

I don't care how innocuous they were.

I don't care if they were only about the thermostat and the church building or whatever.

The need more copier paper.

What's important to me is you said, this makes me uncomfortable.

She said, I agree. Here's our new boundaries.

And she then violated those in secret.

That's what matters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um.

Yeah, it was more than two times.

Of course it was.

I know it was.

I know it was.

And I know you're trying to dance a fine line here between just dumping it all over on the table.

And I don't want to push you to say anything you don't want to say.

I want you just to hear me say that you feeling like she's cheating on you whether emotionally physically

or here's the worst part.

You don't know.

Because she looked at you and said, okay, I'm in.

I'm going to make a deal with you.

And she's broken the deal multiple times.

And so now you're left wondering, well, how bad is it?

What else do I not know?

Who else is she like all that?

Right?

Yeah.

And I mean, I can say I got her like I will.

Yeah.

I can I got her watched pretty closely and.

Yeah, but that's that's not that's not great.

You don't want to be an FBI agent for your wife.

No.

You know what I mean?

What?

What did this pastor say when you confronted him?

You're on staff.

Did you sit down and say, hey, stop texting my wife?

So that's the other thing that really, I feel guilt is that when he did a very good job

of just playing on the line.

And basically, she confronted him about, you know, the too long hugs and all that.

And he respected it and he went the boundaries and made the way.

And, you know, one time my wife mentioned like, hey, maybe you should say something.

And I just said, well, just keep your distance.

Yeah.

Let me ask you, man.

This is a guy that you're on staff with.

Well, I could think of it as just resorting to violence.

So that's why.

Okay.

So you didn't feel like you could talk to him without hitting him?

Yes.

Okay.

Let me challenge you on that.

The strength of masculinity is knowing I could, but I'm not going to.

You know what I'm saying?

That's just emotional maturity.

I'm going to do the next right hard thing.

And not put my family in a position where I have to go to jail, right?

Yeah.

And I get it being hard, but also that's part of our responsibility as grown men.

To lean in and have the hard conversations and not be out of control.

Our whole world is full of out of control people.

And we need guys like me and you to step into those gaps and do the hard thing,

but also being control.

So bring me to right now, what's your question, brother?

Well, two questions.

The first one is I still always have the kind of that in the back of my mind of.

I need to retaliate in some type of way.

Absolutely not.

And no shape or profession.

And I just feel like if I don't, my life is always going to be like, well,

I mean, I never did anything to kind of, you know, avenge me in a way.

Listen, if that's just kind of what's in my head.

Okay, but listen to me.

If your wife needs vengeance from her husband based on actions she took.

She I mean, that's just madness.

It's madness.

If if your wife kept not responding.

If this guy kept grabbing her and hugging her and she kept trying to push away,

she stopped going to go into this church.

She never responded to these texts.

Yes, like I would I would hold I would hold you to account.

Yeah, but your wife was cheating on you.

She was lying to you.

She's going behind your back over and over and over and over again.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, so we we have left the church.

Okay.

We're in a much healthier family focused right.

Intration.

There's just a mess in that church in general.

And well, good.

Get out.

I hope that guy gets fired and I hope he loses his job and hope no one ever hires him again.

But because he's charismatic, he's probably going to find a place.

Yeah, that's the gross part of the world we live in.

Unfortunately, vengeance is cowardice brother.

Yeah, what you're really trying to avoid is how angry and heartbroken you are at your wife.

Yeah, and that's the other part is I just.

I definitely feel like I have to have eyes behind my back sometimes with her.

Okay, you need to get to that level then.

And here's what that looks like.

It's very simple yet.

It's very difficult.

Okay.

You lay down a path towards how she can reestablish trust with you.

And she gets to a choose to follow that path.

However ridiculous the rest of the world thinks that path is.

No cell phones, delete all social media.

What a no deleted text, whatever.

She gets to follow that path or be not follow that path.

But you trying to be a drone looking over her every move is going to make you nuts and it's going to make her feel like she's drowning because she doesn't have a path forward.

What it sounds like to me though is you've made that path multiple times she's agreed to walk it and then she's not.

She's definitely taking the steps now, but we're kind of like months away from it.

And when I wrote the letter to you, it was definitely fresh.

Okay.

But you know, I just still have those feelings, you know, retaliation and then the lack of trust.

And that just.

Okay, you can have that feeling and then you have to go do the next right thing.

You are not going to solve this problem A through vengeance.

You're not going to solve this problem B through just sitting around thinking about thinking about thinking about it.

You're just not it's going to make you crazy.

And then you're going to end up doing something that blows your life up.

The path forward is feeling like I want to go find this guy exhaling.

And then go do one chore in your house that isn't normally yours.

Go find one person in your community to serve.

Go do a thing.

Go workout.

Go for a run.

But your constant rumination on this is going to push you further and further and further.

Don't get online.

Don't watch old church clips.

Don't sit there and look at this dude and look him up.

Which I know you're doing right.

Don't follow him on social media.

All that stuff.

And if you find that I'm stuck and I can't and you got to go see a professional ASAP.

And say I've got to work.

I would tell you you need to go through a journaling protocol.

Write this stuff out.

Write him a letter that you'll never ever send.

Okay.

But you have to decide now.

I'm not going to do something that's going to jeopardize me and my family.

You know what I'm saying?

No, I definitely understand and agree.

Okay.

Do I have your commitment?

You're not going to go do something stupid?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

All right.

So you've made that line.

You've drawn that boundary for yourself.

Now you can choose to be miserable inside the boundary.

You've drawn or you can choose to say,

I'm going to put all my energy into loving well, into serving here,

and to giving my wife a path back to trust.

And I'm going to have these feelings.

We all have feelings.

That's good data.

And then we're responsible for what we do next for our emotional response for our actions after that.

And that's hard.

It's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard.

And if some of this is your guilt that when you saw all these texts,

you didn't set up a meeting with this guy and say,

Hey,

stop texting my wife.

I know she's participating.

We're having that conversation at home.

Stop, stop.

Then let yourself let that be a moment in your life where you say,

I'm never going to not have the next right hard conversation.

But I just don't buy like, I can't have the hard conversation.

I'm just going to resort to violence.

That's a choice.

That's a choice.

That's a choice.

It's a choice.

And so if you need to write yourself a letter that says,

Hey, I should have spoke up and I didn't this time.

I just kept brushing it aside, brushing it aside.

I've seen him hugging other people and makes me uncomfortable.

And I just didn't say anything.

Okay, from this point forward, I will never not say something again.

And by the way, I've had those moments too, brother.

When I stayed quiet, when I stayed silent,

and I should have spoken up.

And so I make mental notes of those things.

I write them down.

As of now, from this point forward, I've learned,

I'm going to speak up.

But I'm always going to stay in control.

Because being out of control is the ultimate sign of immaturity.

And my wife deserves more.

My family deserves more.

My community deserves more.

We need a whole crew of anchored men who can deal with hard things in front of them

without resorting to either shoving everything off on everybody else or

I just can't control myself.

We can.

We can.

But give your wife a path.

And then you have to make the decision.

If she's following the path, I'm going to stop trying to FBI here.

I'm going to stop trying to be an overwatch.

And I have to practice trust.

And if she violates the trust again,

then you have to have a decision to make.

Am I going to stay in this thing with somebody that has repeatedly violated my trust?

Or am I going to,

is she chosen to end the relationship?

And I'll just make the next right hard move.

That's the path in front of you.

Your move, brother.

Thanks for the call.

I'm really grateful for you.

Sorry, this is a huge mess, man.

We come back.

A woman asks how to reintroduce social media back into her life.

I just got home from a big elk hunt out with some buddies

and our kids out in the woods.

Everyone was using Montana knife company knives.

I brought Montana knife company knives for everyone

because I love them that much.

They're that good.

And we got home and we started cooking up our meals.

What did we use Montana knife company knives?

They're what I use in my house.

They're what I use in the woods.

They're what I give to my friends and to my family.

Why?

Because they're amazing.

Montana knife company knives are designed and tested and built in the USA

in Montana by real hunters and real cooks.

They're razor sharp right out of the box.

They're tough enough to be used every day.

And here's what I love about them.

They stand behind their work for life.

When their knives need sharpening, you just send it back

and they'll take care of it.

These are the kind of knives your grandkids will fight over someday.

If you're looking for knives that are built to work,

whether you're on the ranch, you're out in the field,

you're a fisherman, or you just want to have awesome knives

for your kitchen, go to MontanaKnifeCompany.com

and see what's available right now.

That's MontanaKnifeCompany.com.

All right.

We're going to go out to Nicole in Tampa, Florida.

Nicole is a return follow-up caller.

Nicole, what's up?

Not Dr. John.

Thanks so much for taking this fallup call.

You got it.

So we talked a few months ago, maybe a year ago,

about your concerns about how much you use social media.

And I recommended a 30 day fast.

Tell me how it all went and tell me what life has been like since then.

Yeah, it was worth it.

You told me to do a 30 day fast,

but once I get towards the end of the 30 days,

I chose to extend it until the end of 2025.

And I just recently broke my fast at the beginning of 2026.

And it was, there's a lot of the book

that you asked me to read as well,

and I think it was really good.

It was really good.

Okay.

Awesome.

And did you read the anxious generation by Jonathan Hyatt?

Yeah.

Yeah, I read that before the other call.

Okay.

So you got off social media first for about a month,

and then you kept going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and going,

and then you kept going,

and going,

and going,

tell me what happened in your body,

and your relationships,

and your sleep,

and all that stuff,

just being off.

Um.

The biggest thing was,

like at first,

I mean, in some ways,

it's still something I'm,

I'm,

kind of figuring out.

But at first,

I,

didn't realize how much emotion

I've just been numbing out on.

So there is a lot of good bat, you know, in some ways I start feeling joy again, but as

the fast went on, I started finding like I need to get some professional help because

there's, there's just a lot of, just a lot of stuff that I just haven't dealt with and

been avoiding trying to deal with.

Hey, can I just applaud you?

Honolimki was one of a few people who helped me reframe addiction in a powerful way,

which is addiction is not the problem, it's what works.

It helps us numb out, it helps us avoid, it helps us.

It's like a great crutch for a hurt foot and if we don't deal with the hurt foot, right?

And so you having the courage to face some of those hard things that you were numbing out

on and with professional help and more, that's awesome, I applaud you sister, it's good.

So why in the world, did you decide I'm going to start using this drug again just a little

bit?

Um, part of it just, like there's some like Facebook groups like local ones where I also

and the fast too, like I was working out at just a commercial gym by myself and I was finding

that just working out by myself just wasn't, it wasn't enough motivation for me to actually

do something. So I switched over to a different gym, um, that's local and, uh,

committed to showing up three times a week for a group class and they have a lot of announcements

on their Facebook pages and, um, just other, some of the FOMO, um, I mean, there it is,

there it is, yeah, yeah, cause I'm not on any Facebook groups at all.

I do have a couple of people and this has happened even with my kids at school and stuff.

Um, there's one or two people in those groups that will text me or my wife because they know

we're not on them. Like so I say that to say there is ways around those things. There's somebody

in that group that you could be like, Hey, I'm not on Facebook at all. You just text me and they

be like, Yeah, of course. But there is that, that underlying, what, what else am I missing?

Which is the drug calling again, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you got back on,

great time to get back on, by the way, as the world is imploding on itself.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. I'm, it's nice being in the bubble because it's like,

I don't know what, you know, so and so that I've never talked to you in years, you know,

things about this world event or, you know, different things now that I'm back on psych.

So, so let me challenge you. You were not in the bubble. You were actually out of it. You were

living in reality, right? And then you decided to go back into literally virtual reality.

All right. Who said what about what? And I don't even know this person or this actress said this

or this, this Instagram star said that like in suddenly I'm mad or I'm not mad or I'm never

watching their movie. Like, so I'm just interested. Like, what, what does that bring to you?

That's a good question. In some ways, like, like as weird as it sounds like a feeling of being

needed, even though I'm not even in the situation at all, but just feeling important that I know

this information. So I am a part of a dad's text thread here in Nashville. All these

guys live on my street or in my neighborhood. And as of, as of this call right now, I'm without

power for five days. We're in the middle of this crazy ice storm thing going on, right? And the

number of... Can you believe this just happened? Oh, wait, that's not real. Oh, my gosh, we're all

angry, angry, angry. Wait, man, that's somebody just sent something out. That's not true either.

Like, it is just a text thread. There's like a group of dads, group of guys.

Right. And so the feeling, the need to contribute to quote unquote, be heard or to have a voice or

whatever, especially in an online platform, I think is it's a way to avoid either a feeling

helpless. I feel helpless right now. I feel helpless. My house, my nice house here in Nashville

has no power, no water. It's a big giant fort. Right. And I'm looking at, like, when I got home,

I was out of state. When I got home, my wife and my daughter had formed a camp in our living room.

And they were covered. They had like four layers of clothes on and they were like, look,

how much fun we're having. And I looked at my wife and I was like, they're not having fun.

And she did an amazing job, like literally surviving. Like,

while it was wild, right. And we found a place we're staying at a place now. We got heat.

She took her first shower yesterday, like in four or five days, put it this way. I was in an

elk camp in the mountains, in ten inches of snow. And I was more comfortable than she was at our

house in Nashville. Okay. So I tell you that to tell you this, I feel powerless.

And there's something about feeling that and letting that truth just wash over you.

And then asking yourself, what can we do next? And it could be something like my son and I,

and this isn't to brag is I'm just telling you what I have what I did in this in the middle of this.

My son and I went and got chain saw and we went and cleared roads.

Like we literally went and cut branches and threw them on the side so that cars could pass more

easily. Because I didn't know what else to do other than I've got to go get involved somehow in

some little way. And I don't know what that looks like for you in your community. But all it's

say is trying to get online and be a quote unquote a part of something that you're not a part of.

It pulls you further away from reality, but emotionally you're invested in this thing,

but your body is anchored here wherever you happen to be. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. It makes you nuts. Because our bodies aren't where they are,

right? Our minds aren't where our bodies are. So anyway, all right. So what I feel like I'm talking

too much. Tell me how I can help. What's your question now?

Yeah. I guess a lot of the like with the fast like most of my questions like how do I continue

move forward now that I've introduced it back to my end to my life? But because in some ways like

on the call somehow I misunderstood where you said to go out once a week and have people come

over once a week. For some reason I I heard it wrong where I thought was every day. So I was

it was kind of like a sprint where I was just you know I was getting with people you know the

going person being weird. And in some ways now that I've broken this fast and kind of

fallen in some ways back into old patterns with scrolling. It hasn't been as bad as it was before,

but like sustaining that connection and one of the things too is that it's been a bit of a

challenge now that I feel like I've just been way more emotional as well. Like one of the things

that I haven't ever really wanted to come to like accept and like I understand it like it's not

who I am, but being able just to send the fact of you know I got the diagnosis that I'm

severely depressed and moving forward with that and also just you know where do I go from here

to sustain. As much as I want to just be off social media forever it's just also

having been perfect with this almost thing and all that. Sure. So I think there's a couple of

things here. One most importantly is taking care of your mental and emotional and physical health.

For me the only manageable way is I give myself a very strict time limit and for me it's a work

tool and nothing more.

And so for you if it's a stay informed tool great, but after you've seen the first

global event you've seen it choosing to look a second time is choosing to take a second drink.

And it sounds to me like that is a level of control that right now you don't have and so

abstinence is probably the next best thing. Okay. And that means you're gonna have to get news

from other places. I get mine from marginal revolution. Alex Tabrock and Tyler Cowan.

They're just data driven dudes and they're quirky and ironic and funny and direct and that's

where I get my news from. And I get my news from people who are on scene. I call actual people if I

need some information on something. And I recognize I've got I've got an advantage there right

because I've got people's cell phone numbers who are experts and stuff that other people

don't have. So I get that then I've got a privilege there. But all I have to say is I'd rather you

up your time at the gym to four days a week. Then go down to two days a week and spend another

full day on social media. That makes sense. I would rather you sit down with your doctor and say okay.

My body's depressing in a powerful way. I want to head right into this with you with your

therapist and we're gonna figure this thing out.

And it might be that my wife I don't know she can get in and out of social media that she

doesn't have it on her phone but she can get into these things and get out and it just doesn't

phase her. It's amazing. She also can eat a whole bowl of pasta and not finish it up with two bags

of Oreos. I can't do I just I've just moved on. I probably could do that but it's not worth the fight

for me. So I just I'm right. So I it's it's part of part of growing up part of wisdom part of

maturity and I hate to use that word but it's just knowing here's my limits on stuff. Here's my

limits and I'm not gonna push past those limits. I've pushed past them before. So it sounds to me

like right now getting back off social media is the right thing to do and then to further dig into

with with the right professionals. Oh man. It's taking that one extra step at your gym and saying

hey I'm not on Facebook. Well somebody text me and two or three people be like yeah of course we got

you and don't forget a couple of times that's part of it but they'll remind you and then you'll be

like cool. Let's grab coffee afterwards right and yes I would never tell somebody you need to do

something every day of the week all that's too much that's that's madness but yeah I'm making a

regular routine where I'm gonna have people in my house once a week once every two weeks I'm gonna

go to things I'm gonna go to a comedy club I'm gonna go to a movie I'm gonna go do some stuff and

get out and see real people and experience real things and if it gets down to it I'm gonna get

some hedge clippers and put on my heaviest coat and my heaviest boots and I'm gonna go cut limbs

out of the neighborhood because that's literally that's what I can do right now

and yeah, grieve it if you if you can't hold on to it right now grieve it

because it'd be cool if you could but just make peace with that reality and then say okay here's

my reality and I gotta go decide what to do next give it another 30 days Nicole give it another 30

days and then really head towards joy and towards those emotional those big emotions that you've been

slowly starting to numb again thanks for call sister and proud of you

most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up

exhausted but sleep is the foundation for everything your mood your relationships even your mental

and physical health you can't fake being well rested this is why I sleep on a helix mattress and

this is why my whole family sleeps on helix mattresses too we started with one in our house and now

every bed in our home has a helix mattress here's why helix makes mattresses for real people not

just average sleepers so whether you run hot sleep on your side crash on your back whatever helix

builds the mattresses for you I took their sleep quiz and they matched me with the exact right fit

in like two minutes it's easy it's online and it has made a massive difference in how I sleep and

how I function during the day right now helix is giving my audience an exclusive 27% off all mattress

purchases site wide go to helix h e l i x helix sleep dot com slash deloney to get 27% off your

mattress that's helix sleep dot com slash deloney and be sure to tell them you heard about their

amazing mattresses right here on the doctor john deloney show with helix better sleep starts right

now all right we're back we got a money and marriage question these are one of the anonymous

questions left at the money marriage retreat that me and Rachel Cruz put on a couple times a

year here's the question that was left in the box what's in the box how can my wife and I work on

taking accountability in our relationship without feeling or acting like the parent

I mean I need a lot more context on this so I'm going to have to make up something make up a

situation parenting is about curation it's about censoring it's about protection

um it is about my job as a parent is to make sure my child is a safe and be

appropriately adding weight to the bar of life through responsibility through consequences

so that they can feel a weight and get stronger over time in a marriage

we are co-creating something we are making decisions together on boundaries on values on who we

are going to be and so when it comes to I'll give a little situation helping with chores are on the

house if it ends up you you need to do this and you never do this then that is a fast track towards

resentment that is a that is criticism at the highest level that is contempt that is I'm up here

and you're down there I up here see that I'm doing all of this and I and I and I so you you need to

you right that's a more of a parenting tack and you'll feel like parents and then their your

your partner will feel like they're being parented and they it will drive you apart

accountability and marriage is we said that we were going to be like this and as a part of we

being like this you are going to do acts and I'm going to do why and so when we both say that we

are in this together and one of us isn't pulling our weight it's not a matter of being a parent

when you call it out and say hey we agreed on this and I'm struggling with how to communicate well

with you I'm struggling with we made a commitment and I feel like I'm doing my part but I feel like

I'm doing it by myself notice every time I spoke I'd never said the word to you

and I said I I'm taking ownership I agreed we I mean we agreed I said I would do this I feel

like this I don't know what to do next please help me learn how I can better communicate

because I thought we agreed on and there comes a moment in any relationship when if somebody is not

doing what they said they were going to do it's not a parenting thing to call that out

that's called being in a true that's being in a marriage it's being in a partnership that's

being in a business arrangement friend arrangements all that you said you would fill in the blank

you did not do that thing that is accountability and in marriages sounds paternal or much

rn all however you want to say there is consequences we said we were not going to have a house

where alcohol played a predominant role I continue I will not fill in the blank

if you come home drunk if you continue to drink you are continuing to drink so the consequences

I am going to fill in the blank what most people do is they sit there and say you need to you

didn't you didn't you didn't you didn't why not and what I want people to do is to begin to shift

to here's what I'm going to do next because we made an arrangement and only one of us is up

pulling our into the bargain so that's the best I can tell you it's kind of mushy I don't know

Kelly do you have any ideas no I think you did a good job that you hold me accountable all the time

actually you're like my mom too though that's fine thanks I mean like you get mad at me and scold

me and stuff like that um do you remember what your mom said to me the first time I ever met her

no standing out in the hallway out here literally the first time in shakaz nice to meet you and she

said I am so sorry and pointed to you and she said I did the best I could with what I had

see that's probably a bad example love you guys bye