My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him

Two or three months into our engagement, I had discovered he had been talking with

multiple people from different dating apps. I think we should continue with the

wedding because there's a lot of money invested. If I'm honest with you like the

event is way down my list of worries right now.

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloitte show. If you're new, I'm so grateful

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arcanses and talk to and hey, and what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How about you?

I'm doing great. God to talk to you. I'm happy to talk to you. What's up?

So my question for you is if my fiancee and I should proceed with our planned wedding or not

due to some infidelity discovered right before our engagement.

Tell me more. Tell me more. Yeah. So we got engaged last summer and then about two or three months

into our engagement. I had discovered on a household iPad that before engagement, he had been

talking with multiple people from different dating apps and I was able to see all the messages

were still there. I think he had forgotten about them. Yeah, so I confronted him with it,

but this was months old to him at this point. So he had forgotten about it, moved on and it was

fresh to me. So it's caused some fights and tension in the home since then and he wants to

potentially postpone the wedding. He thinks it's a good idea to postpone it

while I finish peeling or while I heal. So I think we should continue with the wedding because

there's a lot of money invested. I mean, we have everything planned. So, you know, and yeah,

so I'm just wanted to ask you sort of for some wisdom and should we postpone? Should we keep checking

along? If I'm honest with you, like the event is way down my list of worries right now.

Yeah. I can't tell if you're in a season of denial or if he's just a great gas lighter or if

at the end of the day, like this, this sucks, but it's not that it's fine. It doesn't matter. We're

going to move on with this thing. I'm forgiving him. We're moving on. I can't tell where you are,

but your response is it's just neutral and I don't have a way to pin it down. So

but take away the money. I know you've got deposits, you've got all that stuff, you've got the

invitations, you've got the embarrassment, all that stuff. Take that away for a second. Do you want

to marry this guy? I still do. Okay. Let me get beneath that question. Is he a person that you can

safely anchor into till death do you part? I felt like he was before I discovered this.

Okay, but we're past that now. Yeah. I think I think he still is. I think the other qualities of him.

I feel like the outweigh, this terrible thing that happens. Are you confident that this is all

there is? I'm as confident as I can be. I mean, I only was able to I saw everything that there was.

I haven't seen anything since and he assures me there's not been anything since. So I just have to

I either have to keep, you know, being fearful every day or I have to just trust him.

Okay. There's a third option there. Okay. It's not all I just got to be worried for rest of my life

or I just got to jump back in the middle of this boiling pot and I hope I don't get burned.

The third option is, and this is the hardest one, but this is the path to healing after

infidelity. After somebody cheats on you and breaks your heart. It is you doing the hard work to think

what must be true for me to truly trust him again. And then you give him a very clear roadmap

for him to follow. And he walks that path. And that path might be, I don't want you to have a phone

for six months or I want us to share whatever or I want to check your messages or I want you to

delete social media. You can be as crazy and out there as you want because you're the one that got

cheated on. And then he gets to be a grown up and say, I'm out here. I'm not doing that. Or

you're worth the rest of my life. I'll do whatever it takes.

But you're you're kind of just.

That's either that starts either this. And what you're what you're avoiding is the hard work of

truly learning to trust each other again. So was he an idiot who was on dating sites after

with a long-term girlfriend just nervous and getting cold feet and just trying to see what

else is like peeking over the fence to see what the other grass look like on the other field. Or

is he a serial cheater? See somebody that I just can't I can't trust he didn't come clean. I had

to find this stuff. He just forgot about it. Like you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. The way he says it and the way I take it is he just needed some release. I think there was

tension between us from your long distance. And he just he just wanted a release. I don't think

he was actually looking for anything or anyone else. He just wanted that attention.

And I wasn't physically nearby to give that. Yeah. That's not an excuse. It's a context.

But I want to know what work he's going to do. He's been doing and what work he's going to do.

Because y'all will be a part again in your marriage. Right? Y'all will be in separate towns.

One of you or both of you will be on work trips. And the day in and day out of just being married,

you can share a bed with somebody and be a thousand miles away from them. Right? There will be

separation. There will be seasons of distance between the two of you emotionally and physically.

I want to know what he needs to do for his quote-unquote release.

You know, is that a thing that's going to honor our commitment to each other and his strength in

this this concrete that we thank her into. Or as he can be like, no, dude, you were gone. So I

just had to. And then go to something else. Right. Now, it's strange. Normally, it would be

flipped. He wants to like go to the wedding and you're like, I don't know. Why is he

want to pause this wedding? I believe he has in his mind, he's done the work and he's, you know,

deleted everything and he's given me access to his phone and he's, you know, open and honest about

things and he feels that he's like moved on from this. I think he's sort of repented and healed

from it and he knows that he doesn't want to do that again and go through this again, of course.

Yeah, but he's not the victim here. Right. So he, he, yeah, yeah. That's like the knife saying,

like, I didn't mean to cut that big hole in you. Yeah. I've wiped a blood off. I'm good. I'm

not going to cut you anymore. And you're like, cool. I still have a huge hole in a bleeding.

Right. And it's been, it's been a few, it's been several months since I found this out. So

I really had hoped that I could some be somebody who was strong and could forgive him and, you know,

not forget that move on. And I think he's saying that I'm still bringing it up even months later.

And I've not healed from it. So he's saying, well, maybe we should just hold off on it while

you learn to trust me again. And because I'm, he thinks, I'm doing everything that I can do

and you're not trusting me still. And so I don't think we should, you know, jump into a marriage

if you, if you feel like you'll never be able to trust me again.

So what do you, right, let me put it this way. Your feelings that you're searching for,

that you're going to wake up, wouldn't they be like, oh, yeah, I can totally trust him again.

Yeah. Those aren't going to come without without without a clear path.

Yeah. And if you're waiting for feelings to be your barometer,

man, that's it. Feelings are really important data. They let us know when our body detects,

we're not safe. And people who are like, you should forget your feelings. That's dumb. Feelings

are important. And it's also dumb. Unwise to let your feelings be the leash that drags you

around the world. Because our feelings job is not to tell us the truth. It's just to get our attention.

Yeah. And so if, if several months later, you're just waiting to wake up one day and be like,

ah, healed. That's not how that's going to work. If you keep bringing it up and hitting them,

you've taken his screw up and you put it in your back pocket as an ace of spades that you're

going to play anytime you're getting beaten a card game, that's cruel. Yeah.

It's you deciding, I want to get to the bottom of what are the things about him I don't trust.

Most of the time, I don't want to put you in this box. I'm just going to say generally speaking,

either a, there's something in your soul that says, there's, I don't know, the full story here.

Or B, there's other places with money, with time, with, where were you last night? Oh, I was with,

there's other places where he's not trustworthy. And your body is like, man, I'm telling you,

telling you and something's not right here, right? Yeah. Or the third one is you've been cheated

on before. Your body's run this script before and you get what I'm saying. Right. And the pressure

of we already have the flowers purchased and we've got the church rented is weighing on what your

body's trying to do and get your attention. Here's, here's a, here's a way to flip this whole thing

over. When we get off the phone, I want you to ask yourself, what if my body's right?

What if this keeps coming back up? I keep have this sense in my spirit, something's not right.

What if my body's right? And I'm going to look with clear eyes. Do I trust him to be the guy

that's going to show up for me and my kids? What things is he doing to deal with the quote-unquote

release, which whatever. And am I giving him a very clear roadmap on what it will look like to

reestablish trust? Or am I just walking around the house, my head down, hoping I'm going to feel my

way into the next right decision and you're just, you're not. If he is telling you, I care about

you enough that you're not settled in your, in your, in the middle of your heart, I'll postpone

this wedding. I'll take the embarrassment and the shame. I did this. I don't want to put you in any

more uncomfortable situations and any more uncomfortable situations. If he's doing that, good on him.

But you just have to make a choice on what you want to do next. And it's just going to take you

deciding. I'm going to make a clear path here. And I'm going to be honest about why my body's

fighting this thing so hard.

Sorry this happened. I just can't wrap my head around the pain of, I've heard it,

account was times, can't count. The iPad in the living room, the phone, the connecting to the car.

I just can't imagine that pain is finding out like, oh, the person I'm with is not the person I

thought they were. What a heavy weight. We've got to figure out, waiting through feelings and

emotions. And what's the next right move? We're thinking about you, Anne. I can't make a call.

You go through your wedding or you cancel it if you want, but do it with clear eyes.

Not because I got a deposit lay down somewhere. We come back. A woman asks how to set boundaries

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first month. That's BetterHelpHELP.com slash Deloney. All right, Chinatown, Chicago, Illinois. Let's

talk to Jane. What's up, Jane? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Thank you for calling. What's up? Yeah, so I'll get right into it. So my question is,

how do I set and maintain boundaries with my parents so I can go live my life when they're so

insistent that it's my duty to take care of them until they're gone.

Oh, wow. Is there a... Is this an arrogance or is this a cultural context?

It's a cultural context. So we are a first-generation immigrant. Okay.

We moved here many decades ago when I was a child. And my parents started a small business.

They were working long hours and understandably they were stressed out being in a whole new country.

And they, yeah, and they never were able to dedicate like the time and effort to like learning

English. So they've just known the bare minimum to get through their day-to-day and it's been

the way of life for me to translate every piece of mail, like business documents,

take time off school and work to go with them to like doctor's appointments and, you know, like

color pairs to the bank, like all of those things that come up that's like outside of the daily

routine. And now that they are aging and, you know, their health is deteriorating and things like that,

they've gotten so dependent on me that I'm unable to like make plans for my life. And if anything,

they're starting to imply that I really can't plan anything because I need to be here to take

care of them. All right. Can I do something to mean? Okay. Is that okay? I'm your friend and I'm on

your team, but I just want to, I'm going to do something that's going to feel mean for a second,

okay? Okay. I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change

a couple of words, okay? Okay. I want you to change it from they are making me to I am choosing.

Okay. So tell me what you are choosing to do when it comes to getting them to all their

appointments and everything. I am choosing to take time off work to take them to various

appointments and I am choosing to not make plans for the rest of my life so I can stay here and

take care of my parents. There we go. That hits different, huh? Yes. Yeah.

So the only the only way I've seen people be successful in this situation is to really get a

clear what I would call an or what statement. Okay. And what I mean by that is I've talked to people

who have said my parents made choices when I came to their money. They're broke. They're aging.

They will never move into my house. Best of luck, hope Medicare, Medicaid works, which your

parents may not qualify for. Best of luck to them. I've heard that. I've also had conversations with

people over the years who are super frustrated, super annoyed with the situation they're aging

parents are in, but they'll also say, I'll move, I'll move them into my spare bedroom and I'll

make my kids share three to a room. Like I'm not going to leave my parents on the street.

And so getting to that in finish line to that or what statement like or what are you actually

going to do? You're going to leave them out like, so getting there it tends to allow you to

reverse engineer your actions after that. Right? Because here's the thing. The reason they are

demanding so much from you is because they can. Because you show up every time,

which I think is amazing and noble, but it's also exhausting and frustrating and you're watching

your life. Are you married? Are you dating anybody? I was married once before. I am dating again.

Gross. Okay. So like you're like you're like it's also really frustrating. You want to make

plans. You want to do this and then your dad calls and says you need to come over here and read my

mail to right? So is there going to come a day when you are you're never going to go over there

anymore or if they don't have a place to live, then so be it. Because if that day is here,

if it's coming, they need to know that then you need to draw that firm line in the sand,

draw the boundaries and begin acting into it.

You know, so recently I did try to set some boundaries and you know, I don't think I went

about it the right way because it was somewhat escalated inside an argument.

Sure. And essentially what I told him was like I need him to please make his own decisions and

like be an adult, you know. Yeah. And he hung up on me and he's giving me the silent treatment

fix. Okay. Well, he gets to do that. He's a grown man. Right. You get to the side. Are you going

to violate your own boundaries? Because you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable, whatever. And

you're going to head back into it. Or are you going to say if you need something, he'll call

me. And then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not.

Yeah. And that's kind of where I'm at. And it's been a few weeks that we haven't had a conversation.

I think he's just, I don't know what he's thinking about it. He just hasn't.

You know exactly what he's thinking about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because mom is calling me five times a day telling me to apologize and just

you know exactly what he's thinking. Yeah. So I mentioned this on a recent episode. My friend

Dr. Becky Kennedy, she's a clinical psychologist in New York. She gave me a new definition of guilt.

And it was she was talking about mom guilt, but I think it plays to dad guilt and I think it

plays to guilt in general when it comes to relationships. It's a really powerful reframe. Can I tell

it to you? Yes. All right, here it is. Is going going on a date, planning a date and going on it.

And your dad's blowing up your phone because you want you to read the mail to him. Is going on

that date and texting your dad back, dad, I'll read your mail on Fridays when I always come over

and read all your mail to you. Is going on that date, does that make you a bad daughter?

According to them. No, no, no, according to you. Does that violate your values?

Making plans as an adult and going on a trip. I mean, going on a date. No. Okay. Does it violate

your core values? Does it make you a bad person in your eyes if you respond to demands for your time

at regularly scheduled intervals? No. Okay. So what the way Dr. Kennedy frames it and I love

this is guilt is a very important, I'll even call it good emotion that happens inside your body

when you violate your values. You're not doing that here. But when your dad cuts you off,

because you said, Hey, I'm not coming over tonight to whatever bring you ice cream.

Or I'm not driving you tonight at eight o'clock to change your oil. We can do that on Saturday when

I told you I was coming over. What you're doing is you're taking his anger, his frustration, his

temper tantrum. You're taking it from him. You're shoving it into the middle of your chest.

And you're choosing to feel his feelings and you're calling that guilt.

You know what I'm saying? In fact, I go one step further and say, you feel guilty because you've

become somebody that you don't trust because you keep having a bunch of imaginary conversations with

them. I'm going to tell him this and this and you'll never tell them. And you're like, I'm going

to quit going over there and you keep going over there. So your guilt is actually you're violating

your own values, which is I'm an adult woman. I need, I'm worth having a love life. I'm worth

having friends. I'm worth like having my own world. And that doesn't mean I also am not going to

take care of my parents. But I get to decide the terms of what taking care of means. It doesn't mean

that they have a built-in servant for the rest of my natural life. Does that make sense?

Yes. And there are some significant cultural layers here, right?

Yes. Like I want to own. This is a very American way of looking at this problem.

Yes. And I think because I've been here since childhood, I identify more with this American way of

thinking. Okay. But they're just kind of stuck in the decade we moved out of. You're my daughter,

you do whatever I say for as long as I'm alive. Yes. You are my caretaker forever and ever, amen.

And caretaker means you do what I say when I say it. Yes. Okay. So here's the exercise I want you

to go through with yourself before you talk to him again. Okay. Okay. Number one, I want you to be

clear about an or what statement. What's your line? If it came down to it, would you move them

into your two bedroom apartment into one of the back bedrooms or that came down to it, they're

going to be on their own? Go ahead and solve that now because it will frame what you do next.

And either one of those options is going to be hard to think about. Either one of those options

is going to cause frustration, annoyance, whatever. But that's just reality. So let's just put them on

the table. The second thing I want you to do is can you batch this caretaking? What I mean by

that is can you call your parents and say, look, I love you guys. You're my parents. I'm not going to

leave you destitute. I will come to your house on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'll read you all you

stack up all the mail. I'll read you what you want me to read you. I'll respond to your texts

throughout the day when I can. And if we have errands to run whatever Saturday is our errand day

or Thursday is our errand day or when a Sunday is our whatever, right? Can you batch this caretaking

so that you're not on call 24 7365? Is that possible? And then they get to choose we don't want

that kind of caretaker. You're a bad daughter. You should apologize. You're terrible. We raised

you better than this. And they get to say whatever they want. And it gets to break your heart and

you get to grieve it. But you don't have to violate your own boundaries and run back into it.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yes. And I'm guessing that it's not going to go well.

I have tried this to some extent in the past and it know it has not gone well. Okay.

The fact that your mom is calling you demanding you apologize to your dad lets me know

this isn't just an out of controlled ad. This is a family system.

Yes. She probably took care of her grandfather and her dad and by God, that's why they had you.

Yes. Right.

What's your financial situation? Can you hire help?

Yes. Not to that extent now.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, they didn't say before retirement. They are okay on housing because it's government funded.

So I don't think I'll be in a situation ever where like they're going to be homeless.

And you have a lot more faith in our government than I do these days.

That's true to sure.

Yeah. So it is kind of tough. Yeah.

It's tough when we have to have a really firm reality centered grown-up conversation

and the adults at the table won't have it. They just stamp their feet and want to pound the

table like a toddler and say this is what's going to happen. And that's very hard to have a grown-up

conversation. I hate that for you.

But I think all the sheds and half-tos and I don't want to. All that is just getting so heavy.

It's so much weight on you, cleared all off and just say, here's what I'm going to do.

And no matter what path you take, it's going to be hard. It's going to be frustrating.

It's going to be fraught with big, big feelings.

And you have to change your plan and you change your path at some point. But

clarity is kindness for you and for them. See clarity and be very direct about what I'm

going to do and not do. And I know it's not going to go well. You know it's not going to go well.

But my hope is just by using the words I'm choosing, I want you to feel re-empowered in this

situation to do what the next right move is for you. And if it's to take care of them,

hook line and sinker, make peace with it. I'm going to do this. I'm going to stop fighting it,

stepping in your girl's time. Or if it is, I'm going to draw some pretty firm boundaries.

And if they want to hate me and cut me off, they're grown-ups and I break to my heart because

they're my mom and dad, but they get to do that. I'm going to do the next right move.

Thanks for the call, Jane. I don't think I was any help to you at all, but hopefully I gave you

some frames and some homework assignments that will help out, help clarify stuff moving forward.

We come back, a woman asked how to reconcile with her family while still struggling to trust them.

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Houston, Texas and talk to Alice. What's up, Alice? Hey, how are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'm all right. Awesome. I guess maybe maybe not. What's up? What's up? Whenever someone says I'm

all right, they're usually not. So what's up? Well, I'm really excited to talk to you. I have

kind of a complicated situation. So I'm really interested in your perspective on it. It's untangle it.

Yeah. I have like a extended history with my in-laws. And after a business betrayal, they want

a reconcile. And I'm just not sure how or even if we should try to do that.

Tell me about the business betrayal. Well, I when I met my husband, he had started this

business with his brother. And you know, over a period of a few years, they had made, you know,

verbal agreements. You know, my husband was supposed to get a certain percentage. And his

brother was going to do this on a thing. And so it ended up not being that. And so ultimately,

when my husband and I got married, we just moved out of state. And my husband lost, you know,

a whole bunch of money and any claim to the business. Well, then a few years later, his brother

called and wanted him to then purchase it from him. And so we moved back and purchased the

business outright. I felt like we were going to be protected by finding all the papers, all the

things. Well, then our employees were still friends with my brother-in-law. And he then helped

them while they were still employed with us to create a competing business with ours. And so

when it all came to light, we were just totally devastated and ultimately cut off nearly all

contact with my in-laws. And so now a few years later, his brother has reached out and wants to

reconcile. Did your in-laws like your husband's parents, so they sided with your husband's brother or

with you guys? You know, I guess I should caveat my, my husband, there's a big age gap. And so

between my husband and I, there's, we're 25 years apart. And so my, you know, in my, his parents

have both passed away. Okay, okay. So in-laws are just your brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

Correct, yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of mess here. Your husband and his brother were not wise when they started

this whole thing, right? And I know everything sounds cute and cool. It's just two of the handshake.

It's just that just assumes it's never going to rain and it always rains. There's always tension,

right? And so that's not why we're here. What does your husband want to do?

Is he getting older in age and he's like, man, I don't want this, I don't want to hate my brother forever?

Yeah, he does. And yeah, he does. And that's created a lot of tension in our marriage, too, that he

wants me to reconcile. And I guess I, I mean, I should add to that my brother-in-laws wife,

my sister-in-law, she, she was definitely unkind for the several years leading up to like the big

betrayal, like she wouldn't, she just made conversation very difficult, would make

sni little comments. And so it's hard for me to be supportive in trying to associate with people

that I felt like never respected me in particular, but us together.

So does reconciliation, like that word, I mean, I'm going to give like a cheap definition,

but it means to make it right. And so if a guy that was my brother, if I have a brother,

he's awesome. One of the most integrous guys I know. If my brother and I went into business together,

he tricked me, ripped me off, then sold it to me and helped a bunch of other people start a

competing business. And then a couple years later came back and said, hey, I want to reconcile.

Making that relationship right would come with me, say, with him saying, I completely was wrong.

It would come with making things right with restitution. You guys are out 300 grand because of

what I did. I'm going to make this right. That would come with, I know I've got to re-earn

your trust. And so a path back would be awesome. And I'll walk it.

Reconciliation is not, ah, come on. It's all good. Those are the old days. That's not reconciliation.

That's gaslighting.

Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. And I mean, he approached my husband and said, oh,

I'll say whatever you want me to say, let's just, you know, get along. Yeah, that's cowardice.

That's cowardice, cowardice, cowardice and weakness wrapped up in a suit.

Strength and integrity is saying the words I was wrong. I'm sorry. How can I make this right?

That's reconciliation. Your brother-in-law does not want reconciliation. He wants to stop feeling guilty.

Yeah, that's exactly. But my husband does, you know, he's the youngest. I'm also the youngest.

So I feel like that's a part of it where when you're like the younger sibling,

then you look at your older sibling with stars in your eyes all the time.

Yeah, but not when they take your livelihood away from you. And they burn your livelihood

to the ground a second time. So let's take your brother-in-law out of here for a second.

That none of that matters. Here's what matters. Your husband wants to be in a relationship with

his older brother again. You can't do anything about that. And so whining, complaining, nagging,

picking at him, like that won't solve the ache in his heart, which is I want to have a relationship

with my older brother period. I don't care what he's done to me. So the question you and your husband

have to ask is, what does that relationship look like and what are my roles and responsibilities

as a part of your new relationship? And you get to choose, I'm not going to choose bitter. And

I'm not going to see that man. And if your husband's a man a character when his brother's like,

where's your wife? He says, man, she is still not over what you did to us.

And he doesn't, he doesn't default to, oh no, man, you know women, they just hold on to

grudges, right? He defends you in front of the person that tried to take y'all's livelihood away.

Right? And if you won't do that, you all need to address that conversation in your marriage.

But he is going to try to be in relationship with his older brother. Make peace with that.

Well, I don't, I mean, that's, that's fine. And I, you know, I have not stood in the way of that.

And I think, you know, if y'all want to call each other or meet up, that's great. But the thing

that really bothers me is that my husband's brother is saying that he wants to be an uncle to our

kids now and involved in, you know, that role. And that's what in particular makes me feel very

uncomfortable. Okay. Then be, be clear about like, you're talking a lot about your feelings. And

those are important. Don't get me wrong. Very important. But I want you to be clear. I don't want

men who lie and hurt their family members mentoring my son or my daughter. Right? And so it's not like,

I feel he's this because when you're like, I feel he's this, when your, your husband's going to

make, well, I feel he's this. And now y'all are in a conversation that is feelings versus feelings.

And those never end well. And so you being clear about what is it about this brother? I'm going

to write it down so I can have it very crystal clear. I don't want men like this around my kids.

I don't want them mentoring my kids. I don't want them taking on a paternal relationship with my

kids, which are great. My two uncles are incredible. And they took on an important role in my life.

And so like, but they're good men of character, right? And so like, I don't want men who are not

good character around. That includes your brother. And so when he decides A, B, C, and D, when he

demonstrates X, Y, or Z, then we can consider having them around. But just because we share parents,

just because we share blood, doesn't mean I'm going to put my kids in an unsafe situation with

somebody who lacks integrity. But that comes from you being very clear and direct. You get what I'm

saying? Yeah, I do. And as for kids, I would draw the line with kids. I mean, I would put my

foot down. Kids, if you think they're going into an unsafe situation. And also I can tell by

your voice, your husband doesn't care. He wants, he wants it all just to be wiped clean and made

right. Um, I mean, his brother is very good at manipulating, um, obviously. And so

when I talk to my husband, he's, you know, he sees like, oh, yeah, this makes sense. And then

when he talks to his brother, he gets all turned around again. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Writing things down has a way of clarifying those things. There's a reason we sign contracts

that way people don't say, well, that's what you said. No, I didn't say that. I didn't, I meant this,

that's what we write it down.

That you're saying I should, what exactly should I write down?

I want you to be honest with yourself. You don't like this guy. This guy's done some

awful stuff to you and your family. And you end beneath that. You don't like his wife.

She looks at you wrong. She makes mean comments. She's just, oh, it's not that I don't like her.

She didn't like me. I know, but, but, but you don't like her. Like just put it out there. It's

not, it's not a, it's not a moral issue to not like somebody. That's fine. How we treat somebody

can be a moral issue, but you don't have to know it. We're not all going to like everybody.

All right. So, let's put it all down. Why do I not want my kids around them?

Yeah. Is it because I just don't like them and I don't want him wearing the name Uncle?

Okay, well, then we're going to get over that. He's fine. Or I don't like men of that,

that character or lack of character around my children. And if I can help it,

I'm going to put my foot down.

Okay.

Right. It's you clarifying. And when you're clear on it, then you're not saying,

well, I feel this and your husband's like, yeah, but I feel that it just says,

if and when your older brother takes ownership, because I want my son around man who say the

words I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Yeah, he won't say that. Okay. That's one of the,

that is one of the defining characteristics of men that I will let men tour my son.

Are they men who can say I was wrong? I changed my mind. I'm sorry. How do I make this right?

Because that is a sign of a person of integrity and a person with wisdom.

Yeah.

Is he a person that realizes I stole and ripped off my younger brother and his new wife?

And that was criminal. It was cruel. And man, I was wrong.

Because I want my son around men who will take accountability when they really hurt people bad.

Right. Because when he was saying, also, whatever you want to say, and it's, you know,

that status passive aggressive coward. That's just weakness, weakness, weakness, weakness.

What are we going to do? No, that is you take ownership of this and I'll just,

I'll put a stamp on it. No, coward, coward.

Strength is walking in the door, laying your sword down, taking a knee in front of the family

member you tried to steal their livelihood from and saying, I wronged you and I'm sorry.

That is reconciliation. That's not going to happen. So you have to decide the path.

And I just, I guess I can't give you the path. You got to decide. I just want you to be clear

about what you're frustrated with. Clear about why I don't want my kid around him.

Clear why I am not going to go to the family reunion. Husband, you're a grown man.

You can do what you want to go. I get you want to be around your old brother.

Fine. I don't want to go. I'm not going to go and he can be mad at you. He can be like,

I think you're making a big deal over nothing. Great. Cool. And if you start to lose respect

for your husband, I can't believe my husband's cowering and walking back into this mess.

We're going to get hurt again. Then have the courage to your husband, specifically.

I'm losing respect in you. I am losing attraction to you. I am losing security and safety

with you and trusting you because I feel like we're going to end up right back in the,

he's going to throw another business deal on the table and we're going to be right back in the

same boat and you're going to be like, yeah, sure, it sounds great. And so it's just being super

clear. And once you're clear, then we can say, I don't mind if my kids are around that or I'm not

being around that or it just, it clarifies our path. When we feel those feelings, awesome good

and we clear them up and we get really specific about what we're scared of, what we're struggling with,

we're going to make our path to move forward. Thanks for the call. I hate that that happened to you.

We'll be right back. If you come over to my house sometime, you're going to find all kinds of

cool stuff like guitars and art supplies and you're going to find one main theme. My family loves

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CozyEarth.com slash Deloney, use Code Deloney. Trust me. Bring CozyEarth into your home. You're

going to love it. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right. This is from

Libby in Akron, Ohio. How long? I want to say this before. We had a live event earlier today and

I was speaking to a whole bunch of people and you introred me and you said a whole bunch of nice

things and everyone on the show, all they hear is how mean you are to me all the time and I want

them to know deep, deep, deep down there. Kelly is a really nice person. I meant all of them.

Thank you for saying nice things. You're welcome. You have like three years. You don't have to say

anything. I'm good. Yeah, but that was very nice. Thank you. All right, so Libby writes, I've been

having problems with my friend of 14 years lately and so we plan to meet for coffee and go over

some of the problems. I took up your strategy and decided to write her a letter. I read the letter

to her and it turns out we just had a lot of miscommunications that we had to talk out. Because of

some of your tips, we were able to get on the same page and agreed to start a new friendship.

We both feel much better and are so excited to be on the same page again. Thank you for everything

you do and how much you change and inspire people in every day in their everyday lives.

And thank you to Kelly and the team. And yes, I really said that. She didn't say that,

but I'm going to let that one slide today. Kelly added that in at the end because she said nice

things. Hey, I'm proud of everybody in that situation. That's amazing. Having the courage to say,

hey, I love you enough to tell you here's what I feel and have the courage to hear. Oh, that's not

what I meant. That's not what I and to say, all right, it's cool. The deck is built at new.

That's awesome. Awesome. That's how things will change. Love you guys. Bye.