Parenting Through Burnout

Hey there, mama work at Tribe. I'm Marisa Monic, working mom of four, lover of all things,

flow, family, and fulfillment. You're tuning in to the Mama work at podcast where we take

aim at overwhelmed, mom guilt, and exhaustion and swap them out for big dreams, belly laps,

productivity that actually fits into your life. Every week we dive into tips, motivation,

and a healthy dose of fun so you can slay your day even when you're busy AF. Ready to feel seen,

energized, and totally unstoppable? Let's get to work, mama.

Hello, hello, mama friends. Welcome back to another awesome episode of the Mama work at

podcast. So glad you're here. If you are new to the show, I am your host Marisa Monic. I am a

working mama of four kiddos and the founder of Mama work at where we support you in all the hats

you're wearing, mom life, work life, wife life, fill in the blank life, we juggle a lot,

and we are here to help. So welcome back. If you are a listener who has been here before,

I am excited as always to be bringing you another hot topic about mom life, about working mom life.

And that topic today is burnout, but not just burnout. We've talked about this before on the show,

but actually parenting through burnout because burnout happens. It happens to the best of us,

but when you're a mom, when you're a parent, you can't just go all in on prioritizing how to fix it.

Why not? Because there's all this stuff that's still happening in your life that you are

responsible for. If you've got kids, they've got sports, you've got work, maybe you've got a baby

that's not sleeping through the night. Maybe you've got a kid that just got strep throat or

broke their finger. You've got appointments that you've made, food shopping that still has to happen,

cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, laundry, so much laundry. And so if you are experiencing

burnout and yet you still have this crazy responsibility list of things that need to get done,

it can feel like a recipe for disaster. So, friend, if you are listening to this episode,

you are and you are feeling any of these things, you're feeling emotionally drained, you're feeling

maybe easily overwhelmed or irritable. Maybe you're feeling like you're giving and giving and

giving and you've just got nothing left to give or like you're just kind of walking through life,

going through the motions right now. I want you to know this first, you are not weak,

you are not broken, you are probably just burnt out. And when you are experiencing burnout,

that doesn't mean you stop loving your kids, it just means you are, you're operating in this

survival mode and you've probably been there for too long. So, today's episode is for the mom

who is running on empty, who is wondering how do I keep going when I feel like I have nothing

left to give. So, I want to get started with talking about what burnout is and what it isn't.

I really want to normalize this because I think sometimes we look at the symptoms of burnout and

we think things that just aren't true. So, first let's talk about what it's not. Burnout is not

laziness, it's not in gratitude, it's not failure, it's not saying to yourself, oh I'm just,

I can't handle this, I'm not cut out for this, it's none of those things. What it actually is is

chronic emotional and mental exhaustion. So, if you are constantly feeling tired, emotionally,

mentally, you may be in burnout, it is feeling detached or numb from things that you normally

are not detached or numb to. It's feeling like you lose your patience faster than usual, like

you have this short circuit, maybe feeling like you're just never caught up no matter how much work

you do or how many things you check off your list. And most likely, it's carrying too much

responsibility with too little support, so like the math ain't math in here. Burnout is a system

problem, not a personal flaw. So, I want to tell you this because this was news to me in my research

when I looked into burnout a while ago, I had presented on it to a company and I had done

additional research more than just what I had personally experienced with it. Most people don't

actually recognize when they're in burnout. Okay, it's not like this flashing sign comes up for

you one day where it's like burnout, burnout, burnout and big red letters, it's not like that.

It starts to become, it starts to kind of creep in and it starts to become the new normal,

especially if you've been there for a while. And what can be really tricky about that is it

almost becomes like this bad habit that you need to break. So, I want to remind you of that because

you may be listening right now and maybe nothing's hit yet or maybe just one or two things have

hit and you're like, I'm probably not there, but I encourage you to keep listening because

there I think there's always something to take away from these episodes and even if you don't

feel burnt out right now, maybe you're heading toward it, maybe you have been there before or maybe

you're going to get there at some point and I want you to have the tools and resources and warning

signs you need to be able to handle it. So, why are moms especially vulnerable to burnout?

Well, here's the thing, moms, you've heard me say this before and we've had so many guests too

who have attested to this. We have something called the mental load and to a lot of other people,

this isn't visible. It's not like we've got it tattooed on our forehead, it just lives inside

our head and so it's kind of like this invisible mental load which makes it even harder.

And it's heavy, it's heavy. Like, let's just take a very quick example of something that feels

light and fun, maybe your kid gets invited to a birthday party. That's great, right? I love it.

I love when my kid's getting invited to birthday parties, but then the invisible mental load kicks in.

What does that mean? It means you have to RSVPs, you have to remember to do that. You have to buy a

gift. You have to wrap the gift. You have to get your kid there and pick them up or if they're

little you need to stay at the party in mingle. And that's all fine, but maybe the parties on a

Saturday afternoon and that's the day that you typically do your food shopping or your laundry or

your other kid has soccer on Saturdays. And so that requires some additional planning and juggling

and all the things. And so it's not that we don't love that our kid got invited to this party,

we love that. But we also need to recognize that it's adding to an already very full plate

for many of us. And we seem to be the only one who sees how full the plate is because it's in our

head. It's invisible to others. Another reason why moms often experience burnout or especially

vulnerable to burnout is the constant decision making. So did you know the average person makes about

35,000 decisions in just one day? 1,000. Wow. Moms, I think it is safe to say we can easily double

maybe even triple that in one day. And so decision fatigue is real and it can often lead to burnout.

Moms are often the emotional anchor for everyone. I don't know about you, but when people in my house

feel sad, feel tired, feel hungry, they need something. It's me. It's mom. I'm often the first

person who's called in for support. And again, nothing wrong with that. They can start to feel like

a lot, especially when we add this on top of a very full plate already. There's this pressure out

there to do it all and to do it all well. And so when we start comparing ourselves to others,

or if we are high achievers and we want to be really good at everything, we want to give

every aspect of our life our very best. And we wear lots of hats already. It's really hard to go

above and beyond for every single one of those things. And then lastly, a lot of times moms experience

burnout because we often go through seasons where we have this lack of true rest,

true rest. So even if you are in a season of motherhood where you are, let's say, sleeping

through the night right now, do you actually feel rested? Is the quality of your sleep good?

I mean, I don't know about you, but I feel like when I became a parent, I also became a much

lighter sleeper where anything and everything wakes me up. I'm on high alert, even when I'm asleep,

or like if you decide to sit down and rest at any point of the day, are you really resting? Are

you really mentally disconnecting or is your brain still swirling super fast thinking about all

the things you should be doing or you need to do or that need to get done tomorrow or whatever it is?

So as a mom, you know, we are, I think, a little bit more susceptible to burnout, but I want you to remember

this. You can love your life. You can love being a mom. You can love your career. And you can still

feel burned out by it. Okay, you can feel grateful for all these things. And burnout can still

creep in and occur. It's kind of like that quote. You can be grateful for something, but still be

working towards something else. Both can exist. They can exist at the same time, and it is okay. One

does not cancel out the other. All right, so if you're here with me now and you're still wondering,

like, am I burnt out? What are some of the common signs, symptoms? Let's go through a list real

quick when it comes to that. So common signs of burnout, especially as a mom, maybe you're snapping

over small things, kind of like crying over spilled milk. I want to share a really personal,

vulnerable story with you here about a time where I definitely wasn't burnout and how this showed

up for me in this way. So a few years ago, if you don't already know, we were moving from California

to Texas. And so we were getting our house ready to sell. And we've got four kids, little kids,

and you know, I don't know about you, but it's hard to keep your house really clean when you've

got four kids running around. So we had just gotten the house cleaned. I was flying solo this week

because my husband was on a business trip. So I had just had it professionally cleaned. We were

having photos taken later that day. And what I was going to do is get the kids fed that morning

before school, get them breakfast, quickly clean up the kitchen, make the beds again, and the house

was going to be in tip-tock shape for the photographers. You got it. Well, what happened? Yep, spilled milk,

spilled milk, exactly that. And you guys, I literally had like a temper tantrum in front of my four

kids because of the spilled milk. Like I yelled, I stomped my feet. Maybe I even cried a little

in that moment. I was parenting from such a place of burnout during that season. I look back and I

wonder how my nervous system like didn't completely just shut down on me. So snapping over small

things any other morning, we would have just like cleaned up the spilled milk and gone on with our

day that day. I snapped. All right, feeling numb instead of feeling joyful. So maybe things that

used to make you happy don't. I can remember another another time it was Halloween. Halloween's

like my favorite holiday to celebrate with my kids. And this one particular year I just like didn't

even care. I literally had to fake excitement. Fun. I put on a tutu. I walked around the neighborhood

like I faked it till I made it. But internally that was such an indicator for me that something was

wrong. Maybe it's dreading routines you used to enjoy. So maybe you commute and used to love

driving to work and listening to your favorite podcast or audiobook. And now you just hate it.

Like you dread it. Maybe you used to love bath time with your toddler. And now it feels so much

more like a chore. And it could be again that constant exhaustion even after rest. So maybe you're

waking up feeling tired. You are afraid if you sit down at some point during the day, you're not

going to be able to get back up. Just a chronic chronic fatigue. So if any of these are resonating

with you, I want you to ask yourself this question. If your body and emotions could talk right now,

what would they be asking for? What would they be saying?

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Alright, let's move on now to what you don't want to do if you are experiencing burnout.

So I know sometimes I have felt burnt out and maybe not recognized it because again,

most of us don't know we're actually there when we're in burnout and I've done some of these things.

And so I want to share with you maybe what not to do before we share what to do when it comes to

burnout. So first thing not to do is don't push harder. It's one thing to be disciplined,

right, in your routines, your day-to-day, your to-do's. But it's another thing to really push

yourself over the edge. It's important to know your limits to recognize where you're at on the

burnout scale, how you're feeling, be more compassionate, be more realistic about expectations you've

placed upon yourself. Another thing you don't want to do is you don't want to add more self-care tasks.

Honestly, if it feels stressful to you to add more to your plate, don't, don't. Start

removing things first. So maybe you do like a very simple brain dump where you just get everything

out of your head onto a piece of paper and you tell yourself that you can't add anything else

to that mental load unless you remove two things first. So like minus two plus one,

that's how the formula works for you. That could be one idea. Next thing you don't want to do is

you don't want to ignore your limits. Now, if you've been a listener for a while, you know I'm a big

fan of self-awareness. I think it's just one of the most undervalued things you can do is getting

to know yourself on all different levels. So the more you know about who you are, the better you

are going to be able to prevent, manage, heal burnout in your life. When you know your limits,

you know how much is too much. And guess what? It's probably different than your best friend,

your sister, your colleague, whoever. So recognize what those limits are, stop ignoring them,

and setting a bar that maybe is just made for someone else. And speaking of someone else,

don't compare yourself to other moms to other people. Let's talk a little more about comparing

yourself. Not good, never good. Comparison the thief of joy. That's what they say. And I recently

recorded a whole episode on this. Go back and listen to it if this is something that you often do.

It's episode 208. I will link it in today's show notes. But please, please, please stop comparing.

It's not going to help you in any way when it comes to burnout.

The last thing you don't want to do when it comes to burnout is you don't want to just sit around

and wait for things to magically get easier. Have you ever heard someone say time heals all wounds?

I know I've heard that before. Well, I disagree. I think time alone doesn't heal burnout.

Anytime I've ever told myself, oh, this will get easier after school starts or cold and flu season

ends or remove or whatever it is, that alone does not cure burnout. Okay, maybe it makes it a little

easier, but it does not fix it. Because when you are in it, you don't realize that you actually have

some control to make that situation better yourself. So if you are already wound up expecting to get

more done than is humanly possible, if you're in that habit, guess what? When the kids go back to

school, you're going to just keep going at that intense burnout speed. Okay, if you think after

cold and flu season is over, your burnout's just going to go away. Think again, because something

else is probably going to happen unexpectedly. Like maybe you'll have some work projects pop up

that you weren't thinking we're coming or maybe your kids going to break a bone. We had a kid

last year break two different bones on two separate occasions. Okay, just when we thought things

were calmer, they weren't. After we moved cross country, I thought, oh, I'm not going to feel burnt

out anymore. No, this was an active decision I needed to make and how I was showing up. It didn't

just magically get easier. So what actually happens when you're running on empty? How do you, how do

you parent? How do you keep going when you're in a season of burnout? Here are some amazing tips

you're going to want to try if you are feeling like you're there. First tip you want to do is you

want to lower the bar temporarily. Okay, there are seasons of survival and there are seasons when

you just feel like you are thriving, you are killing it. If you are in a season of survival,

it's a different standard. You got to lower the bar. Good enough, more than enough, done,

better than perfect. I mean, perfect doesn't exist, but you know what I mean? You just got to kind of

cruise, survive. Do what you need to do to get by. Second tip, what can you delete or delegate

versus do? Those are the three Ds on the to do list, right? Do delete or delegate. What are the

things on your list? Can you delete or delegate? Is that meals? Is that schedules? Is that

commitments? Is it just expectations you're placing upon yourself? Take a really honest look at all

the things that you are trying to get done, expecting of yourself, and think about what can you

delete or delegate? Even if it's just one or two things, you can remove from those commitments.

I think it's going to lessen your burnout in this season.

Third tip here, create these things that are called microrest moments. So it can feel really hard

when you are a busy mom to get actual rest. But what we can do is we can introduce these micro moments

throughout the day. So maybe this is setting a quick five minute timer and having like five minutes

of quiet time. And maybe these are many meditations. You could do like a quick guided meditation

or you could just simply put on some meditation music and do a very quick, deep breathing exercise

or breath work. It could be a real tiny habit linked to just resetting your nervous system. We have

had so many incredible guests on this show talk about topics like these and two coming to mind for

me right now are episode two 10 with Christine Fitzgerald, an episode two two with Dr. Brooke Shehan.

So I'll link those as well in today's show notes. Go ahead and listen to those after this

if you are looking for ideas of ways to kind of reset the nervous system in that way. I know

that those ladies brought a lot of good tips to the show. All right tip number four here, name

your needs out loud. Okay, talk to someone. Talk to your partner. Talk to a friend. Talk to a therapist.

Honestly, even talk to yourself, whatever works. I am a verbal processor. I often need to talk

out loud to get my thoughts in a clearer place. So talk to someone. Even just talk to yourself. It

can be a game changer. Tip number five, regulate before you respond. This is kind of like those

micro reset moments. You can use a tiny habit or something like that to feel more regulated before

you actually react to things. So maybe it's taking a really good deep breath before you speak,

before you respond. Maybe it's grounding like going outside barefoot and just feeling really

grounded. Maybe it's stepping away before reacting like walk away if it's safe to do so and then

respond. So those are some good quick tips I wanted to share with you when it comes to burn out

and how to kind of handle it in that moment. All right, I want to get into a little bit of the

parenting piece of this because I want to remind you of a few things. Yes, you need to show up as

a parent, no matter how you're feeling, whether you're completely burnt out or feeling like

your best self. That's a given. You have to show up. But I want to remind you that your kids don't

need perfection. Okay, they don't need a perfect mom. In fact, kids benefit from honesty,

from repair, from showing them your humanness and how to fix things rather than always being

right. In fact, apologizing models, emotional intelligence to kids. And when we model things,

we're parenting, we're indirectly teaching kids how to do things. Sometimes being slower or softer

is still quite powerful in your parenting. So like even though maybe you are this high achieving

doer type of person, if you're experiencing burnout and you do need to slow down a little bit

or say no to more things, more commitment, some more, you know, birthday parties, whatever it is

just for a temporary season, that's okay. That's okay. Connection matters. That connection piece

matters more than you constantly feeling happy and cheerful and in a good mood. So be compassionate

with yourself and just know and remember that your human and your kids seeing that human part of you

is okay and actually probably helping them more than you think.

Now, if you are feeling burnout, even if you've been there for a while, I want to remind you that

it's not forever, it's not going to last forever. It can be actually quite a turning point,

like a light bulb moment for you to implement change, to create change, to do something different,

to get to a bigger, better place honestly in your life. And your simple awareness is the first

step toward that. You, you know, people say that quote about like you're the author of your story,

like you're holding the pen, you're allowed to totally shift and change directions and redesign

your life. You're allowed to do that. And healing from burnout, healing in general, it's going to

happen in layers, not leaps, not this very linear journey, it's going to be up and down and all

around, but it can happen. And it will happen as long as you put the effort into making it happen.

So friends, just to quickly recap before we wrap up today's episode, if you are feeling burnt out,

it is real, it is valid, it is probably more common than you think you are not failing,

you're just overloaded, you've got too much on your plate right now. So even very simple small

changes matter and help. And receiving support, it is not weakness, it is not abnormal, it is

necessary if you are experiencing burnout. So don't be ashamed to get it, you deserve care to,

and the best moms I think are the healthiest moms, the moms who are feeling mentally,

emotionally, just healthy in those spaces. So, so I want to encourage you, if you found today's

episode helpful, please share it with a friend, please leave a review, connect on social media,

and until next time, keep on working at Mama, I will see you soon. Bye.

That's a wrap for this episode of the Mama Work It Podcast. I hope you feel empowered,

inspired, and ready to take your next step. If this episode spoke to you, share it with another

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and new ways to mommage your days as a busy mom. Until next time, keep on working at Mama.