Pastor Rick's Daily Hope - Creating Life Shaping Conversations - Part 3

Hello everybody, welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is the Bible teaching ministry

of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in a

series called Talking About Stuff That Matters. Now in this series, Rick looks into the scriptures

and he's unpacking what it means to live in community, have real conversation about what

matters most and face discouragement with courage and faith. It's honest, hopeful, so stay

tuned. You won't want to miss a second. And right now, you're going to hear the final part

of a message called Creating Life Shaping Conversations. Now here's another major verses

scripture on how to speak effectively. Ephesians 4, 29. Speak, the Bible says, only there's

that word again. Speak only. This is the only way you're supposed to speak. Speak only what

is helpful for building others up according to their needs so that it may benefit those who

listen. He says the same thing four times in order to get the point across. He says, speak

only what's helpful. That's one. Only speak only what builds others up. Speak only according

to their needs and speak only what will benefit those who listen. That's pretty clear. He

says you start with them. Now you're going to get to your hurt at some point. You're going

to get to your need. You're going to get to your frustration or your fear or your failure

or whatever it is in your life. But you don't start there. If you're smart, if you're wise,

if you're a wise woman, your wise mother, a wise wife, or if you're a wise man, your

wise husband, your wise dad, you don't ever start with you. You start with them in any

crucial conversation. Speak what is helpful for building them up according to their need

that it'll benefit those who listen. Now here's how you do this. When you sit down in

the conversation, you say, you go first. And you just let them speak without any interruption.

You don't interrupt them. You don't ask questions. You don't ask for clarification. You don't

challenge. You just let them speak. And if they speak for five minutes or 25 minutes or

35 minutes, you just let them speak. And here's the key. You take notes. You let them.

And if they say something, you have a question about it. You write down the question. You

don't stop them in the middle. And you let them speak. And you have something you want to

challenge or you want to correct them. You don't challenge the correct them. You write

it down and you're like, you just let them have a free flow. And you take notes. That

shows you care. That shows you're aware. That shows you're paying attention. One time,

Kay and I had a conversation about our marriage. And I took nine pages of notes. I'm not

kidding. I'm not exaggerating. Why? Because it was nine pages of stuff she needed to tell

me. And I needed, I've been married 44 years. Why? Because we've been doing this for 44

years. I can prevent your divorce. If you'll start doing this, okay? I can prevent your divorce.

I used to do marriage counseling. I discovered as long as two people are talking, you can work

something out. It's when people both give up the talking. That's true in nations, on

international relations. It's true in her marriage. It's true between companies. As long as

there's talking going on, you have the potential to make some progress. But I would write it down.

I would just listen to her talk. And if I had a question, I wrote it down. If I had a clarification,

I write it down. If I had a disagreement, I wrote it down. But I did not interrupt her.

Okay? So you make notes. You let them go first. And then here's the key thing.

You summarize what they said to you before you start.

Write this down. Summarize what they said to me. And you paraphrase it back. They say, okay,

let me repeat back to you what I think I heard you say. Because I may have gotten it wrong.

But here's what I think I heard you say. And you paraphrase back to your spouse or to your child

or to your boss or whoever it is. And that shows your listening, your ability to summarize

and your ability to paraphrase and to parrot it back to them. This is the mark of a master

communicator. You're listening well and you're going to speak well. But you say, let me say what

I said back to you, what I think I heard you say. All right? Now that is the key. Take notes up.

You empathize with their needs first. Okay. The A, the A in learning how to speak like a master

communicator is to affirm the positive alternative. I'll have to explain this. Affirm the positive

alternative. What I'm saying is that when you particularly in a conflict, you want to be a

proponent of what's right, not an opponent of what's wrong. You want to be in favor of what we

could be doing, not critical of what we're not doing. You want to be positive. Be a proponent

of the right thing and not an opponent of the wrong thing. Because negativity doesn't really

change people very much at all. And so you be a proponent. You affirm the positive alternative.

Let me say another way of saying it. Don't tell it like it is. Tell it like it could be.

Big difference. Tell it like it is doesn't change anybody. It simply reinforces the negative.

But to tell it like it could be builds on faith. It builds hope. And I get a vision of what we could,

what our marriage could be, not what it is, what it could be. I help my child see what they could

be, not what they are, what they could be. Don't tell it like it is. Study after study shows that whatever

you hold up and people focus on, that's what they move towards. So if you hold up all the negative,

you tell everybody what's wrong in your relationship, you tell everybody what's wrong with the world,

you tell everybody what's wrong, all it does is reinforce it. If I were sitting out there with

the day, some guy got up here and started doing a message to dads and he started telling dads

all the things that we do wrong as dads. And the guy goes, you know what, you're a lousy dad.

You guys aren't spending enough time with your kids, you're too involved in your work,

you spend more time with your sports than you do with your kids. And they tell me all the negative

things. You know what, all the dads will be doing. Yeah, you're right. You know, we're not very

good dads. And we go home feeling pretty bad, pretty lousy because you just reinforced all the

stuff that we already know. And it telling me what I already know, tell it like it doesn't change

anything. But if a speaker gets up here and I'm sitting out there and the speaker goes, I see

in you guys the ability to be an incredible father. I see in you the fact that if with God spirit in

your life and if you'll build your life and family on this book, on the truth of God, you could

become a godly man. And you would be a man that your wife adores and honors and that your kids look

up to and and and and have nothing but respect for. You could be a man in the community that

I want to be like that guy. That kind of message makes me want to change. That helps me move.

Show me what I can become. Don't tell me what I am. I could get up here every week and for 40

years and I could say we're going to do sin of the week. And this week we're against this sin

and next week we'll be against that sin and in two weeks we'll be against another sin and we're

all a bunch of sinners and friends. That's not good news. That's not even news.

We know that I don't need to come to church and tell me what I'm tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I need to come to church and you tell me how to change it, how to fix it and where I get the power

to be different. Okay? So for 40 years I've been telling you how to change it with the power of

the spirit and the power of God's truth. And we don't we don't tell it like it is because that

just reinforces the negative. You affirm the positive alternative. Now here's what the Bible says.

Proverbs 15 verse 2. When wise people speak they make knowledge what?

Circle that. They make knowledge attractive. If you're wise you're going to when you have a

conversation you're going to make what you say attractive and I'm going to teach you the three

ways to do that in a second. It makes it attractive. It doesn't take any wisdom at all to share

knowledge. It takes enormous wisdom to make it attractive. You can there are a lot of unwise

pastors unwise schoolteachers unwise politicians who they unwise researchers and scientists who

can share knowledge. Anybody can share knowledge but doesn't mean the kids or the students or the

members of the church are going to be interested. It takes enormous wisdom to make knowledge attractive.

He says if you're wise that's will make it attractive. So how do I make it attractive? Here's

the three secrets. I'm going to give you this is gold you guys you need this. Here's how you make

knowledge attractive. Number one share the benefits. So if you want to make a change in your family

you better be ready to explain why it's going to be beneficial to everybody. Not just you

but share the benefit. How is it going to help me? Every time I teach you you're going how's

it going to help me? Share the benefit. Number two the second way you make knowledge attractive is

say it positively. Don't say it negatively. Don't say it in a condemning critical

voice spirit. That doesn't work. Say it positively. Okay. There are many many verses in the Bible

about this about being positive in your speech. Here's one. Proverbs 16 21. Proverbs 16 21 says

a mature person is known for his understanding and the more pleasant his words the more persuasive

he is. You want to be persuasive with your kids? You want to be persuasive with your husband

or your wife? You want to be persuasive with clients or customers the more pleasant you are the

more persuasive you will be. I say it like this. I'm never persuasive when I'm abrasive.

I'm never persuasive when I'm abrasive because it just puts people in a negative mood.

Now tomorrow you go to some store and you're going to get something and you're and it's not right

and the clerk at work is a jerk. I'm a poet and I don't know it but my feet show it because they're

long fellows. So the clerk at work is a jerk. Now if they got your order wrong are you going to

get better service from them if you complain and act like a jerk yourself? No. But if you're polite

and you're generous and you're gracious and you cut them some slack are they going to bend over

backwards more likely more likely. You're never persuasive when you're abrasive. So you may be mad

that's not the time to have that conversation. You need to calm down you say that you share the

bit of it you say it positively. In fact write this down here's a verse for you phrase I want you

to get. If I say it offensively it will be received defensively. I could get up here and offend

you every week. I could say things that would put you on the defensive instantly but I'm smarter

than that because I want to help you change and because I love you I'm not interested in putting

you down. I'm interested in giving you a hand up helping you out. So if I say it offensively

to be received it's got to be positive and here's the third key to making knowledge attractive

offer hope offer hope you should always offer hope in a conversation with a child with a spouse with

a friend with somebody at work always offer hope people are hungry for hope. Hebrews 6 verse 19

we Christians have this hope as an anchor for the soul firm and secure. If you offer hope people

will listen to you even when the sermon's long all right all right the K the K here's the last one

is keep calm and don't argue this is the fifth thing in being a great communicator keep calm if they

may say something that just irritates you know in in the conversation and really triggers you

and they might say something and and you know what your spouse knows your triggers have you

figured that one out and you know your spouses it's not very loving to use them but when we're not

in the good mood we often do keep calm and don't argue last two verses. Proverbs 17 27 those who are

sure of themselves do not talk all the time those who are sure of themselves that means you're you

got self confidence you're not insecure anytime you see somebody who talks all the time talk

talk talk talk talk they just got a blabber mouth they are incredibly insecure insecure people talk

too much people who are sure of themselves people are confident they don't need to talk okay I know

who I am those who are sure themselves do not talk all the time and people who stay calm have

real insight and you don't let people trigger you they don't let people hook you you don't let

people you know let move you to say you make me so mad then you're saying you you make me you

have the power to control my emotions don't don't argue keep calm James 119 we talked about this

verse literally hundreds of times out of back everyone should be quick to listen slow to speak

and slow to become angry if you are do the first two the thirds automatic if you're quick to

listen and if you're slow to speak you will be slow to get angry the other problem is though

that we do the opposite we're quick to speak in fact we want to interrupt we're quick to speak

we're slow to listen and as a result we're quick to get angry now here's your homework

two things one I want you to look over this list and check the one go this is the one I need to

work on first because you can't work on everything at once second identify a person in your life

that you need to have that crucial conversation with whatever it's about and then start preparing and

praying you can't schedule it but you can prepare for it and pray and at the right time God will

teach you what to say when to say it and how to say it let's bow for prayer

father I so badly want our church family to be filled with great communicators and great

conversationalists you have given us your children the greatest message in the universe the good news

but we've not always been great at at sharing it and we haven't always been great listeners first

I'm asking you Lord to help all of us be better listeners and better speakers this next week

help us to have some healing conversations in our church family

between parents and kids between husbands and wives between friends between small group people

between people who've irritated us I'm asking you for some real breakthroughs and relationships

now I'm asking you to pray say Lord help me to listen better to the people in my life

help me to look at people with love in my eyes help me to invest as much time as needed not get

in a hurry to be patient take the time for meaningful conversation help me to not be too busy to talk

help me to share what they are feeling not my solution

keep me from being a fast fixer help me to tune in to any hidden hurt or any hidden fear that's

behind the words and sometimes I need to ignore the words and just look at the feelings

help me to engage people in my life with open ended questions and help me to never judge

until I have all all the facts and then Lord in speaking to people in my life

help me to save my words for the best time and place

help me to pray and plan what to say how to say it when to say it I want to be smart I want to be

intelligent and help me to empathize with their needs first not my agenda not my hurt not my

frustration help me to affirm the positive alternative not to tell it like it is but to tell

it like it it could be the dream the vision the goal the hope for our relationship

and help me to keep calm and and not argue Jesus I need your spirit to do this I can't do this on

my own but I want to and I'm asking for your help if you've never invited Christ in your life said

Jesus Christ come into my life right now and be the be the chairman of the board the manager

of my life I humbly ask this in your name amen

hi everybody this is Rick and I hope you enjoyed today's broadcast you know if you just

prayed that prayer for the very first time or you just recommitted your life to Jesus again

today would you let me know about it there's something real about sharing your commitment so write me

Rick at pastor rick.com and say Rick I prayed that prayer of commitment I gave my life to Christ

and I'll send you some material that'll help you on your journey with Jesus and I'll also pray for

you God bless you what a great message from pastor rick today there's something I always take away

from his message here's Rick to tell you how you can help support this ministry Jesus told his

disciples that they should live their lives according to five specific purposes he said you've got

a love God with all your heart that's worship and love your neighbors yourself that's ministry

that's called the great commandment and then Jesus said go make disciples that's evangelism

baptize them into the family of God that's fellowship a sign of fellowship and then he said teach

them obey everything I've taught you that's discipleship and we call that the great commission

we believe it daily hope that a great commitment to the great commandment and the great commission

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need to follow him every day is available to every single one you know as well as I do that the word

of God changes lives it's alive it's active it breathes new life and new love into all of our lives

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