Positive vs. Negative Thinking

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Okay so just think about this. Are you an optimist or a pessimist about life and

then about parenting? I'm John Fuller along with Dr. Danny Wehrtah and I'm

guessing Danny that you're pretty optimistic. I mean you strike me as one of

these guys that says let's go. Is it my Harry smile? Is that what it is? No this

you got you should you have an athletic energy about life and I mean I don't

think anybody is a very complimentary one. Yeah I appreciate it I'll receive it

but I don't think anyone has ever described it that way. Yeah all right well I'm

an optimist. Okay sure. Yeah I love to see the good and people love to be

hopeful and yeah it's been it is it's been fun to talk about pessimism and

optimism with my kids while they grew up I would say that my daughter was

definitely an optimist with with me we had fun doing that my my wife was more

of a realist pessimist a little bit and my son was was probably more of a

of a realist with with her as well. Yeah so we kind of balanced each other out

of the home and here we are very hopeful for things and and and my wife and

son would would kind of bring it down a bit and go well guys you know I mean

I really may not have them but it's such good we need both in conversation and

we can learn from each other. Okay as we interact with life except you

used optimist and realist not pessimist you haven't talked about the value

of a pessimist in that equation I used to think I was a realist but I was

really pretty negative about almost everything so I was a pessimist I made a

change man you caught me yeah yeah pessimism and when it goes to negative there's

a lot of self-protectiveness to it. Okay and there's fear based behind it and

many times it's because of life experiences or learn helplessness with certain

things and so it's driven by a certain emotion and most of the time it's

self-protective. So that's on the pessimistic side the realist side they just

want people to live within the factual framework and our brain needs some of

that. Okay but the pessimistic it doesn't so thanks for catching up. Well I'm glad

you brought that up because we all know pessimistic people and they're kind of

what a former colleague here at Focus on the Family the Reverend H. B. London

used to call joy suckers they just walk around and they're just sort of like

probably isn't going to happen probably won't and we don't want to be

artificial but there are reasons there are good reasons to frame things

positively. Let's listen to Focus on the Family President Jim Daly speak

with Catherine Hill about those reasons. I was fascinated by the brain science

related to positive and negative thinking and I know again in the Christian

circles positivity has been a big buzzword in the US I'm not sure if the UK

over the last couple of decades and the Christian community understandably

we're saying it's not about positivity it's about a relationship with

Christ and I think I just want to get that out on the table we get that but there

is brain chemistry with positive and negative thinking and in the book you

describe that this negativity bias. So what is a negativity bias? Yes so experts

say that our brains are wired to often think the worst to dwell more on the

negative than on the positive and that's particularly the case for children

and so as parents we've just got a great opportunity to to help them to see

the better things the better way the Bible talks a lot about that about

focusing on the things that are true and lovely and you know all those all

those good things and so as parents we can help them think think well and that

actually changes the neural pathways in their brains the Bible talks about

the renewal of our minds and I think scientists call it the plasticity of the

brain it's the same kind of thing but the way we teach our children to think and

to look at issues and can actually change their brains and and we can wire them

to be more hopeful yeah to be more positive. You know I had never thought about it

that way but you think God created us right he created the brain and how it

functions with all the biochemical things that occur in our brain to store

memory to have emotion to have feeling but that idea that so much of the

scripture thinking in Romans 12 where it says be transformed by the renewal of

our minds etc it's like the Lord set it up that way so he could remind us of the

better direction right absolutely it's kind of interesting yeah and there's

I mean one way it might work out there's a story in the book about these two

young girls who who go shopping on a Saturday afternoon and they're spending

their time in the changing room taking photos taking selfies and then they go

home in the evening and one of them well they both actually post these

pictures on social media they're called Leah and Maria and Leah posts them on

and she gets loads of likes and it makes her feel great and then someone posts a

comment about the fact that she's got scrawny arms and she's really sad about

that and she allows those negative thoughts just to take hold and she thinks oh

yeah I do have scrawny arms I should work out more I'm so ugly and and that

that negative way of thinking has taken away the joy of of the day but then on

the other hand the other girl Maria she she posts her photo she gets some

likes but again she gets a negative comment which is that she's got a fat

tummy and again she's really sad about that but she's able to choose to think

differently do you remember how her mom had helped her when someone had made a

mean comment on the bus and she remembers how she'd be able to rise above that

and think differently and she thinks well hey actually I maybe I do have a

bit of a fat tummy but that's not the point I love this talk it's a great

bargain I think I look really good and she's able just to change the

direction of how she's thinking and that was just a little example of how it

can you know and going right back to the top of the program where we talked

about being raised in different environments different eras I mean you think

about that the amount of social pressure through social media that girls

particularly but guys too the girls particularly teen girls are under to look a

certain way and to be able to you know match somebody's expectations that's

powerful to be able to equip your children to say so what I like that I mean

that's resilient I really appreciated that conversation Danny and Catherine

brought up the the issue of social media and comes up often yeah that's so big

how do you encourage parents to speak life into a child who either through

circumstances you mentioned this in the open they're just going to be kind of

pessimistic or there's a sense of fatalism like it's me the problem and it's

never gonna get back yeah one thing we didn't talk about is just temperament in

general temperament can be lean one way or another and if your child's much

more factually minded very task focused and factually minded that they're

gonna see people as potentially opposing that like getting tasks done or being

dishonest people are the problem they become disillusioned by that when when a

child is struggling with negativity you want it you want to go beyond that not

become reactive with it just ask the question is there another way to look at

that tell me more about that what do you mean by that do those emotions make you

feel safe because when you become optimistic there's a bit of risk to it you're

putting your hope up which means you're creating a bigger slide of disappointment

if it doesn't turn out that way and so maybe asking the question are you afraid of

disappointment than when that start when that start for you is there something

disappointed you pretty big in the past that we need just need to talk about that's

a great question and then maybe asking them are there different glasses you could

put on and how differently would that make you feel would you want to feel that

way and they may say yeah I'd love to but I just can't get there you go hey let's

let's just go one step at a time let's go one thought at a time because our

brain so easily gets tricked and if you already expect bad things to happen that's

all your brain is gonna see and I want you to be free of that so it's number one

I'll say here at the core of it is be patient with it negativity especially if

you're an optimist can make you super impatient with it because you're so upset

with it it upsets you that part of you the pessimism I know for me if I start

going that way or somebody's in that in that place I know there's a little

trigger of impatience inside of me because I'm going why are you there and there's a

bit of judgment don't try to step away from that more towards understanding and

compassion yeah and I'm working on it just a long side of you guys as I'm

interacting with that so this is unusual but I'm going to do a short Bible lesson

here at the end of this episode I'm looking at the booth because they didn't know

I was going to do this I have personally been living with a child in very

difficult circumstances and what I've really felt compelled to do is to go to

that story in the scripture of the four men who took their friend the

paralytic they took his mat they climbed up the house they peeled the roof apart

they lower the man down at the feet of Jesus for healing and I can't

escape that picture because I can see the paralytic no I do not want to you can't

do this even I mean I can't do anything and you guys are making I don't want

this I'm I don't want to be no he's fighting it the whole way and those

friends are just committed I will be your hope is the message I get from that

so if you've got somebody who's pessimistic and they're dragging you down offer

to be their hope just say I I can't do it for you but I can help you and I'm

gonna carry on when you feel like you're overwhelmed or you don't see where

there's any good here I've got faith I'm gonna have that for you and maybe

see what that does and do what you know that's gonna do I think to some degree

what what Catherine was talking about and what you've shared that's gonna

reframe things now if you're not there if you're thinking it is too much

Lord I can't do this then we've got a lifeline for you in our caring Christian

counselor team there a phone call away it's 800 the letter a in the word

family somebody will call you back they'll listen to you they'll offer a

little bit of hope for you and trust that you'll be able to take some steps

toward finding that that optimism that Christ wants for you for a general look

at this you heard Catherine she's delightful and she writes wonderfully her

book is called a mind of their own building your child's emotional well-being

in a post-pandemic world we've got that available to you for a donation of

any amount today just contribute to the work of this show and focus on the

family we'll send the book to you and the details are in the show notes next

time you're gonna hear from Deborah Fileta always a popular guest when she walks

the halls here at focus she'll be talking about the emotions that Jesus

experienced it'll be a great show trust you'll join us then for now on behalf of

Dr. Day we're to end the team I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us for

the focus on the family equipping parents podcast

live your truth a lot of people say that don't they but truth isn't something

we decide God has decided it for us and it's our job as believers to share

his truth with a world in need I'll encourage you to do that through my

podcast refocus with Jim daily I visit with fascinating guests about important

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God's love with others listen at refocus with Jim daily dot com