Productive and Unproductive Regret

0:00Hello my beautifully fierce friends and welcome to this week's episode of Simply Stable. So this week I want to think a little bit about productive and unproductive regret. Okay so I am starting to realize that there really are two different forms of regret. One is productive and the other really isn't. So let's say I regret stricking my finger in the electrical outlet when I was five probably didn't but we'll say that I did. That is a kind of regret that is our brain and body's way of learning from experience and saying okay that that was not safe. Let's not do that again. So that is productive regret. We don't hold on to it though, right? Like okay not doing that again and then we move on with life. Unproductive regret. We learn from but then we sit in it. So for example

1:05let's say we're fixated on the fact that it's March and we haven't lost weight yet. We set a goal in January to lose weight or to pay down the debt. Whatever it is. And what we're playing over and over and over is again is I haven't done it. I can't do it. It's not going to happen this and that. So that would be unproductive regret. So for instance for my wife and I right now we really are on track. We have made so much financial progress to have everything paid off by the time that our son finishes middle school and have a savings. But sometimes in the moment it's very easy to spiral, right? Like we're in our 40s. There's a lot of shoulds. We should be further along. We have friends who are. We should. We should. We should. We shouldn't all over ourselves. And sitting in a spiral that keeps us from taking action. And that's just not productive. If like me at one point I'm sitting there

2:06going. I'm 200 pounds. I haven't lost weight. I can't lose weight. I should. I should. I should. Honestly with that drove me to do was pick up the beer and the bag of chips and the and the candy at the end of the day. Like the unproductive regret actually pulls you back instead of pushing you forward. So how do we get to that space? How do we get to that space where we go? Okay. So far here's what I've learned. We actually have to stop and think about it instead of going I should do this. We have to stop stop and think about what we have done. And what the lesson it is. So and maybe it will actually change about change what you think about where you're at. So when we stop and we think about our financial situation. We think about the fact that we consciously made a choice that time to us was more valuable than money right before COVID broke out. And what that has afforded us over the last six years

3:07is time as a family that we would never have gotten otherwise. Experiences in some of the most beautiful places in the country we wouldn't have gotten otherwise. Time with my aging parents that will will never be able to buy back right. Like there's always another day to make money. So can we sit there and spiral about the truck note and the camper note and the debt for my life coaching certification? Absolutely. We can or we can think that we have built a life that we don't regret a moment of. We wouldn't trade it. And so now the next three years moving forward we're wanting to shift gears. That's what we've learned. We want to shift gears. By time my low hits high school we want to have the debt paid off. And we're on track to do it. So from this point forward

4:12instead of worrying about what we haven't done we can focus on what power we do have. If it's something big and you need to apologize and you need to make amends, then do that. Or write a letter that you don't have to give to someone. If it's if it's a harm towards someone else or yourself sitting in the regret of that likely is just causing you to buffer and repeat the patterns that led you there. It definitely did with my weight. Like I felt awful about myself. So I didn't exercise. I didn't go outside. I didn't eat right because I was sitting there feeling awful about myself. Instead of going okay what have I learned that this is getting me nowhere that I need help. That I can't apparently do this on my own because I don't have the knowledge or the ump or I need to know how to get started. And so like the time and the money that I spent on getting my health together also wouldn't trade a bit of that.

5:15I also I am just it takes me longer to learn things. And so because it takes me to longer to learn things what I have learned is that then helps me teach people on a level that I wouldn't have had it come easily. So I can't regret that either. I can have remorse for wrongs that I've done. But this is what I want you to take out of this. Write down all of the good, the bad, the ugly about your regrets. Do you really regret it? Did you learn not to repeat that action? Because really if you're repeating the action you haven't learned. And the regret is not productive. It's unproductive. It's pulling you back. It's holding you back. It's spiraling. You're doom scrolling. You're eating more. You're going out to buy a beer because you're worried about your bank account. And so when we have to become aware what is the actual situation? What is it?

6:18What's the number? What's the baseline? What's the target that you didn't hit? What is it? And then work from there because now you know what doesn't work. Now you know what doesn't feel right. And not necessarily good. Honestly sometimes building health and wealth and abundance in your life doesn't feel good. It feels like bravery. It feels like honesty. It feels like integrity. It feels like determination. It doesn't always feel like rainbows and fairies and pixie dust. It feels hard. But also sitting in that regret feels hard. And so that's the other side of it. Like is it harder to sit in regret or is it harder to learn from it and do the thing? I think it's harder to sit in the regret. And to continue sitting in regret from not doing the thing over and over again

7:21and pulling yourself back and beating yourself up. Like really that to me is what unproductive regret is. It's a form of self abuse. It's a form of not loving yourself. It's definitely a sign that you think you've done this thing that you can't get over when really you can. You can. Regret is a signal. Hey fire. Back away. Too hot. Back away. Okay. We learned. And so that is really what I want to challenge you with. If it's March you set new years goals and you never got with them because life got crazy. Welcome to the club. Welcome to being a woman of minority, a human with a conscious in America right now. We're all right there with you. But it's March. It's spring. I think it's my favorite season of all right now

8:27on the coast. It's just I mean the greens are unreal. The blues are unreal and I'm walking around and I'm seeing all the critters and they're a little bit of a nuisance but also they're reproducing. They're coming out. They're awake. They're alive. There's feistiness in them and they're ready to get this year going and move their species forward. And so if you haven't set under your goal no worries. Let's get busy now. Set a habit. Pick a habit. I've been walking about 15,000 steps every day for 21 days now whether I felt like it or not and it's breathing new life into me in so many ways. It's helping me regulate my emotions as as we go through political and personal turmoil which I spoke about a little bit on a previous episode which I can't still can't go into more detail about. But let's do it. Let's do the damn thing. I'm teaching a class at the end of

9:32the month in shelter cove at end of the lost coast March 22nd at 11 a.m. I will be helping people coming out of a wellness week and take the retreat with them and build micro habits into their life. And I cannot recommend it enough. When I stick to the habits that I've worked so hard to build you over the last two years when things happen or when I want to regret I just keep thinking about the fact that I did learn. I'm not the same person. I'm not making the same mistakes. And I am fully worthy and deserving of my own love and compassion and understanding and patience as I build back stronger and better than ever. I love you all. I honor you. Please like and share. I am certain you see it grow around the world and I'm so excited to leave a legacy for people now and for women in the future that no matter what happens I will have stood up and used my voice

10:37and help people create better, happier, wealthier no matter how you define wealthier, more abundant lives.