Quiet Please - Don't Tell Me About Halloween

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Class please.

Class please.

A mutual broadcasting system presents quiet please.

It is written and directed by Willis Cooper and featured Ernest Chappell.

Quiet please or tonight is called don't tell me about Halloween.

I'm going to kill my wife tonight or maybe tomorrow night.

I mean I'm going to kill one of my wives. I prefer if something's going to happen to me that won't be good.

Well Halloween is almost here. Halloween is in that line.

I can't just have to be dead before Halloween.

Well the trouble is I'm not sure I'll recognize it when she shows up.

You are living Salem, Massachusetts. Thanks for they hanged all the witches.

No they didn't bring them at the stake. A lot of people think so but they didn't.

They hanged them. All except the man we told Giles Corey they pressed him to death.

Very unpleasant. Well it wasn't Salem this particular Halloween that I met Candice.

It was dark up there on the hill with a yellow used to stand dark and cold with a damp wind coming in off the sea.

The two little lights you can see in the dusk only made it darker and lonelyer and creeping around there.

I remember how I chittered as I started down the hill to town.

Then I remember how I jumped on something that looked like a black cat that was out of the shadows of my feet.

I'm not thinking I yelled who's that? My heart almost stopped beating because.

Well good evening. I've been all alone out there and then all of a sudden there was a woman standing inside.

You're the first human being that's spoken with me tonight. Who are you? I'm Candice.

I, I don't know any Candice. You didn't? What you do now?

You have to scare me to death. Oh I wouldn't do that to you. What's your name? Craig.

Do you like me Craig? What? Well I don't know what you look like. I like you very much.

Well what are you? Kiss me Craig. No. Kiss me I love you.

You know you're going to be a very nice person to me Craig. What do you mean?

I'm not going to hold you anymore. When I say something's going to happen, it happens Craig.

What? I'm not. What did you like to be rich Craig and have a beautiful wife?

I am beautiful. You'll see. What did you like to be rich and wise and happy and live forever?

Wouldn't you Craig? Who the devil are you? That's a very apt way of putting a Craig.

Who are you? I'm Candice. I just can't think of me. I'm the witch they didn't hang Craig.

Well she was right. I am rich. Whenever I need money which hasn't been for a long time now I ask Candice when she comes to see me as how long time.

I am reasonably wise I suppose. I'm quite an authority on American history, quite well considered at the university here.

And while I can't say I live forever, I have lived 200 and 53 years.

Now that's right. You see, I met Candice on the hill above Salem in the year 1694, two years after cotton math and stuff hanging with you.

Yes, Candice has kept your promise. I remember the way she put it, standing up there in the early morning watching the mist crawling on the ground.

You're not seeing now to another Halloween. And I can't tell you what form I'll be in when I come to see you again.

But if you see a strange bird or a lost dog or any strange being at your door come Halloween, you say who's that?

And if it so happens, the strange is me. By then I'll be home with you till the top grows for more than a minute.

So I remember I started to speak to ask questions, but she stopped me.

For the time short now, Maya. And remember the way and the all the future before.

As long as I did, you can.

And below a somewhere a rooster crowed, and I was standing alone on the hill, and a yellow butterfly was rising in circles above my head.

And watched it disappear into the first rays of the sun.

No, I didn't believe it either. And yet we were only two years away from the witchcraft trials, and whatever may be said the day.

The belief in witches didn't die as quick a death as modern historians would have you believed.

I was there. I know.

Besides, I had married a witch.

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Halloween 1695 is a straight dog. They are my doorstep shivering in the rain. I don't like dogs.

I was about to poop the animal into the street when I caught a look at it science.

Are you out? Who's that?

Well, it's about time. I've been lying down on that doorstep, flinging in your knees round without a stint on and you stand there and look at me like some great fool.

Guess me something to put around in and drop the fire before I take my death of cold.

And I do believe you were going to keep me, too.

What am I going to say to you?

Yeah.

And this beer? How was I to know?

Do you bring that quilt?

Oh.

Oh, she was all a contriteness and apologies in a moment.

And I can feel that slap alongside my chops from two and a half centuries ago.

And our first anniversary was a very pleasant one.

I was rather glad I'd married a witch.

It had its drawbacks, though, despite well growing wisdom.

People around me and Salem grew old and I seem to stay the same age.

I moved away and the years went on.

I moved away from Salem.

I moved away from Philadelphia.

I moved from Baltimore and Richmond and Savannah.

And a score of other places.

I spoke to George Washington.

And I watched Robert Fulton Steamboat chuck up the Hudson when I was more than a hundred years old.

And looked 35.

And every Halloween I welcomed Candace Homes for a night.

One year in a farmhouse on a new and white prairie, a red fox whined up my door.

And it was Candace.

One year of Louis J. Poudon from the tree in Missouri.

In another year, she came as a skittering little grey peel mouse.

And the year I came back to Wisconsin after the Civil War,

a torqued pine gnawed its way into my cabin on Halloween night.

And one of its quills spiked me before I thought to say who's that?

And when Candace smiled at me, there was only a strand of yellow hair to the thick of my farmhouse.

I remember she pulled it out.

And it hurt.

Years and years and years.

Now she's been a wonderful wife, but I never forget what she is.

Once a year is getting to be enough.

It was just 67 years ago tonight before Halloween this year.

That was the first time she appeared before Halloween, 1880.

Robert B. Hayes was still present and seems like yesterday.

I heard something bumping against the front door before I thought I called out.

Who's that?

I thought you were never going to call me.

Harley, I didn't know it was you.

Well?

Huh?

Don't people keep their wives anymore?

Don't think.

Are you surprised, Nate?

Suppose you, surprise me.

Now?

How come you're so early, dear?

Oh, I just thought it would be nice to surprise you.

You certainly didn't surprise me.

Did I?

You certainly did.

What happened since last year?

Why, uh, nothing much.

That though.

And what have you been doing?

I've been away.

Where?

Craig.

You'll be better off if you don't imply I took custody into my time as a kid.

Being married to a witch ought to be enough for you.

I'm just interested, Candace.

But I'm interested in what you do, and I'm a witch.

What?

I am interested, you know.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about, dear.

You don't?

No.

Don't you ever get lonely while I'm a witch?

What?

No.

Why, certainly.

Mm-hmm.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about, Craig.

I don't either.

You're forgetting that I'm a witch, do you?

What?

You guys, he's anything from me, Craig.

Don't you know that?

Why?

Oh, I won't punish you, Craig.

But you must have run around with red-haired girls.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yes, you do.

Oh, I just decided to take that temptation away from you.

Candace.

What did you...

Look over there at the window, darling.

And I look.

And appearing in the window out of the darkness was a frightened, tiny red squirrel.

Its teeth chattering with terror and cold.

She still got her red hair, dear.

Candace.

Candace, did you do that to her?

Of course, dear.

No, no.

Don't try to rescue her, Craig.

I've got other plans, you little hair, friend.

What are you going to do?

Listen.

Now come here and kiss me.

Good.

Yes, in some ways it's fine.

In some ways.

You know, in the last 50, 60 years, I've gotten so I'm afraid to say,

who's that?

Anytime.

That, that, that, wait a second.

Did you hear anything?

No, I guess she's not here, honey.

I wouldn't want to surprise me again.

I want to surprise her.

Hey.

It's six, seven years ago that she suffered worlds on that pool of red squirrel.

It was once my dream.

I forgot her last name.

Well, I hadn't forgotten what she did to me.

They arrested me for murder.

Candace, let me stay in jail.

A whole year I waited till a next Halloween 1881,

till a little screech owl came and preached on the window leg of myself.

Even then, I took me half an hour to remember to say, who's that?

I'm sure she was very sorry.

Very sorry, but I had to be punished for being unfaithful to her.

Unfaithful.

I never even kissed Marshall.

That witch.

Believe me, I was pretty careful that I got out of there and moved to Oklahoma.

If I had any female acquaintances, I'd stop seeing them along in early September.

Without it, how would you like it if you only saw your wife once a year?

And if you knew she could turn into a caterpillar or a hippopotamus or something

whenever she got missed with you?

You look around too.

It's like I did.

See, nearly caught me again in Washington DC.

That was in 1910.

I've been a good boyfriend nearly 50 years.

Well, pretty good, at least careful.

I was standing outside the door to wonder who'll tell that Halloween night.

A big moth dropped out of the darkness and lit on my shoulder.

Candace likes to see a moth, I think.

I feel that way for 50 to 20 times.

Well, I knew what once was.

What? My conscience was.

Recently, I guess I've been said.

Who's that?

Hey!

Hello, darling.

Welcome back, Candace.

Please.

Been a good boy.

Perfect, darling.

Love, Candace.

You mad about Candace?

You better say it.

No, Candace.

You living here now?

In the hotel.

I hope you like it.

I've never been in Washington before.

I'm sorry.

I know.

Oh, I thought quite a lot of flying in here.

Who's that, woman?

My woman.

Why, Craig, darling?

Where on earth are you being?

Yes, I thought Gertrude was in Chicago where I left her.

Wasn't that just my luck?

I don't know what Candace did where she just disappeared.

Did you know what that witch did to me?

She turned me into a fire alarm bottle.

I had no glare, but it isn't funny.

From October 31, 1910 till October 31, 1911,

I stood there in front of the winter hotel rain and shine,

snow and boiling hot weather.

And nobody even turned in an alarm on me.

Of course, they did paint in the spring.

Then a half past eleven on Halloween,

a little black dog in life.

I tried to say who's that?

And I made it all right because I could hear tears flicking on wheels spreading.

There we were.

Candace and a black bird's coat.

Me and a blue shirt suit all plastered with red paint.

He was perfectly awful, Craig.

Well, how do you think I see it?

Oh, thank you.

Well, now maybe you won't be chasing other women, I mean.

Candace, I promise I'll never do it again.

That's enough, sweetheart.

I'm a very jealous woman.

So I noticed.

And if you think that was that, how would you like to eat it?

No, no, Candace, please.

No, no, no.

Don't tell me.

You make it me out.

And don't get tamed all over my coat.

Candace can be very sweet when she wants to be.

But these last 30 years, she doesn't seem to want to be.

Very much.

She spends most of the time she's here asking me questions about what I've been doing.

Where I've been.

The people I've seen.

My friend, I'm getting all of her fired up.

253 years is a long, long time.

A long, long time.

A jealous wife.

Don't get rid of her.

This time I'm done.

Oh, I don't love Candace anymore.

Never.

Hi.

Oh, Jack, I got this job here at the University of the History Department.

I've got this little happy jump here in the hill for every Halloween.

Well, I don't want Candace barging in on faculty roll.

Well, I'm not supposed to be married here.

And you don't have to be here.

So I decided to end it all this year.

I'm going to kill Candace.

But that is I.

When she appears, I'm not going to say who's that.

And then Alicia and I are going to be married.

Oh, what?

I can't even tell you about it.

Here comes Alicia now.

I'd like to have you a meter.

This is Alicia.

How do you do?

Alicia and I are going to be married.

Yes indeed.

Right after Halloween.

Alicia, Secretary of the Dean of Women.

That's why I'm that great.

Well, I hope you know me.

I was learning what the Dean is.

Oh, goodness, no deer.

I need you to be introduced to her once.

When you first saw each other.

I'll never forget it.

No, I won't either.

Didn't she print it?

Great.

You mustn't talk that way to straight here.

Oh, sorry dear, but you are pretty.

But I'm so much younger than you are, Craig.

Well, you are a little younger here.

But that one make any difference, wouldn't it?

Oh, not to me, darling.

Excuse us a second.

Darling.

I love you.

Darling, I love you.

Yes.

Oh, but there are nothings we do.

Shut your eyes a second.

Would you please?

No, darling.

Craig.

No.

You like it?

Quite a girl, isn't she?

There's nothing at all like campus.

Man, am I tired of campus?

Wait a second, the phone's ringing. I'll be right with you.

Hello?

Hello, darling. This is Alicia.

Hello, dear.

Are you going up to the cabin today?

I'm just leaving, darling.

I wish I could go with you.

Well, I do too, but I'll be back in a day or so.

Oh, couldn't I, please?

No, no, dear.

No, you know it can't be done.

I wish I could.

Well, it isn't practicable, dear, but I'll hurry back.

I could drive up tomorrow.

I'll probably be back tomorrow.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

I love you.

I love you.

See you under there, so, honey.

All right. But I wish I could go with you.

It can't be done, sweetheart.

Don't do that.

Alicia, wait.

Oh, my gosh, she can't do that if she does.

Hello? Hello?

Look at me.

Look at me up.

Three, four, one, two, J.

Oh, dear.

Well, so here I am.

I wish I could have got Alicia back on that phone.

If she comes up here, shoot.

Oh, well, she won't.

She'd have better sense.

Yeah, let's see what time is it.

Well, let's see.

Revolve room.

Silver boy.

The old Revolutionary War bandhead.

I had it valid forage.

Boy, nice.

They've crooked me.

Oh.

And I'm pretty well fixed.

Come on, Candice, honey.

Come on.

Yes, come on in.

This time, you can come here at a time, baby.

And probably waitin' for you.

And then...

Alicia.

Do you see an hour or something, honey?

Oh, if she's an hour, let's better get that shotgun out.

Now, Candice.

Look out.

What the dickens was that?

A moth?

A moth, eh?

Well, well, well, Candice.

Here.

Or is that Saturday even closed?

Light somewhere, darling.

Light?

There.

Mister, you're not going to get away this time, sweetheart.

Get away from that lamp.

Get away, I say.

I got you.

Oh, you're not dead yet.

Well, I'm...

Never mind, Craig.

What?

Never mind.

I'm going to die, alright.

Who's that?

It's too late, Craig.

You killed me.

But haven't you forgotten something, darling?

What did I forget?

You forgot what I told you back there on the hill.

It's famous, we thought.

You live just as long as I live.

And when I die, you're alive.

Candice.

Candice.

Candice.

Let me talk.

It's too late, darling.

It's much, much.

Hello.

Hello.

This is Boris Ranger Station.

Hello, Brad.

Oh, this is Joe Thomas.

Listen, Brad, you better call the county conscious of somebody.

Well, I don't know.

Why must a little cabin have a way of letting go of Canyon?

You know the one with the red shutters?

Yeah, well, I was on my way up to the station saying,

I meet this girl.

Please be quiet, will you, lady?

This girl and her cars are done.

Well, I picked her up.

And she wants to come up here.

Uh, what's your name, lady?

Alicia Dean.

But she's going to meet this fella here.

She says, and I left her out.

And I was just starting away and I hear her scream.

Scream, you know how hard?

Do I stop running inside and she'll let her head off?

Lady, lady, please.

Yeah, I don't know, Brad.

They sure looked awful strange.

Oh, there wasn't no guy here.

I don't know, Brad.

They sure looked awful strange.

There's no guy here.

Oh, another but a squashed moth.

One of them big, that's head moth, you know.

And the skeleton.

Yeah, skeleton.

Oh, dried up and dusty.

Like it was maybe 250 years old.

And that's all.

Just him and the moth.

Funny, ain't it?

You've listened to Quiet Please, which is written and directed by Willis Cooper.

The man who taught to you was Ernest Chappell.

And Gerita Bauer played Candace.

Alicia was plagued Stanley and the Forest Ranger was Jim Bulls.

The music for Quiet Please is composed and played by Jean Prezzo,

except the course for our theme, which you'll answer the many queries,

is based on the second movement of the Symphony and D minor by Sarah Brown.

Now if we're worried about Next Week's Quiet Please,

here is our writer director, Willis Cooper.

Take me out to the graveyard.

That's a title I've got for Next Week, all right?

Come along for the ride, will you?

So until next week of this time,

I am Quiet Please.

Ernest Chappell.

Quiet Please comes to you from New York.

This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.

Hi, this is Alex Cantrowitz.

I'm the host of Big Technology Podcast,

a long-time reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC.

And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence

is changing the business world and our lives.

So each week on Big Technology,

I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech

and outsiders trying to influence it,

asking where this is all going to come from places like Nvidia,

Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more.

So if you want to be smart with your wallet,

your career choices,

and meetings with your colleagues and at dinner parties,

listen to Big Technology Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.