Loading...
About this Episode
Mom of the week, Dad of the week and some Never Happened stories.
Hosts & Guests
Transcript
Sinesta Travel Pass is the most rewarding way to travel.
Sign up at Sinesta.com for instant savings, bonus points,
and perks like early check-in, late check-out, room upgrades,
and free stays.
Choose from 1100 hotels across 13 brands
and unlock the best rates when you book with Sinesta Travel Pass.
Here today, Rome tomorrow.
Join now at Sinesta.com, terms, and conditions apply.
If you're looking for more flexibility
in how you pay for everyday purchases, meet Clarna.
Clarna lets you decide whether to pay now, pay later,
or spread payments over time.
All managed right in the Clarna app.
Download the Clarna app today, or visit clarna.com to learn more.
Terms apply.
California resident loans made or arranged
pursuant to a California Finance Law license.
NMLS number 1353190.
Clarna balance account required to be eligible for cashback points.
Limitations, terms, and conditions apply.
Ooh, she's bitching about the food at Chuck E. Cheese.
That's like going old whorehouse and complaining about the decor.
You can find me on Etsy.
I'd rather find you dead in a ditch.
Horrific.
What the fuck do you need to say that for?
Yes, Dad.
Yes.
I'm your classic girl next door.
If she left next door to me, I'd fucking move.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
No, it doesn't.
It takes exactly one second to get out of your mouth.
You're not saving any time.
You're not never rushed.
Motherfucker.
Bro, you good?
I don't like it.
At all.
Welcome to the Jim Florentine.
Everybody is awful podcast.
I just want to give a quick warning that anybody that lives in,
I don't like North Jersey area.
Andy sent this in.
This lady, I guess on the next door,
page, or the town page.
She just want to let you know if anyone's listening to that area.
Anybody else here strange loud noises in the distance
from Tukesbury.
It sounds like thunder, but constant for at least 10 minutes now.
So if you live in that area and maybe you were sleeping
or you had the music really loud or something like that,
you were busy.
There's some really loud noises.
You know, I know they sound like thunder,
but it's been going on for 10 minutes now.
And a lot of people must have heard it too,
because in the comments, yes, we heard it also.
Yes, loud booming.
Thought it was thunder or fireworks.
Very strange.
Yes, yeah, I thought it was fireworks too.
So I don't know what's going on there.
This is from a couple of days ago.
So I guess it probably would have been on the news
and I live in the state.
So I probably would have seen it on the local news or whatever.
So I guess it was a false alarm.
Could you imagine
hearing some noise?
You know, you could be curious to look out the window
like what the fuck was that.
And then going, I gotta go on the the the town page.
Anybody else here that loud boom?
What do you think it was?
Was there ever a time when it was a loud boom
in a neighborhood?
And it was something that was all over the news
for like two days.
So once a while, a house will blow up
because there'll be a gas explosion or something like that.
But no missiles are hitting these fucking little towns.
It's really weird.
But if you're in that area,
I just hope that you're okay.
Because there was a really loud noise in Tukesbury.
Anybody else hear it?
No, I'm at work.
I didn't hear it.
I'm at work in Manhattan.
So could you imagine some guy that's at work in Manhattan
texting his wife?
Hey, was there a lot?
Did you hear a loud boom?
Because I just were on the town page.
Some woman said she heard a loud boom is what's going on?
Like, could you imagine the fucking nosiness of people
who gives a fuck?
That's where you're wasting time on.
You know, your wife, the guy's wife's been waiting for,
you know, I miss you, honey.
Can't wait to see you later, text instead.
Hey, I just heard some woman said there's a loud boom in Tukesbury.
Did you hear it?
Is there anything going on that I got to be aware of?
And she knows she sees the text pop up.
Oh, maybe he's going to say Mrs. Me.
Nope.
He wants to know about the fucking loud boom.
Whew, it's fucking insane.
Speaking of insane, why is this new word protein everywhere?
Everywhere you go, I had to stop in a dungeon
and it's like two in the morning.
It was off the fucking rest area.
So I was driving home late.
And they were dug and done.
It's the only thing open.
And they have protein coffee, protein milk in the coffee.
What the fuck is protein milk?
We got protein coffee.
I go to fucking, this is what I do now.
And I've done it like five times in the last seven days.
You go to light your poll layer, something like that.
You know what I fucking, yeah, what do you want?
Yeah, fucking bariturer.
Yeah, okay.
What do you, yeah, yeah, black beans, rice, white rice.
What's your protein?
What kind of protein?
I go, what?
You're protein.
I go, I don't know what you're talking about.
What kind of meat do you want?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, what kind of meat?
Yeah, I didn't know what you were talking about with that,
with the protein.
What kind of meat, I'll take the chicken.
Every time,
Don Jamison was behind me, he did the same thing
to the same woman.
What kind of protein is like, what are you talking about?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Yeah, I want to fucking tofu.
Oh, okay.
Every time now when they ask what protein just go,
what do you mean?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Play it straight and let them explain it.
Yesterday, the woman, I go, I don't know, what do you mean?
Well, no, what me?
You want chicken, you want beef, you want fucking pork.
Oh, I go, why did they all have protein?
Is that all protein?
Or what is that?
Well, yeah, yeah, they have protein in them.
I go, what about the beans that I got?
The black beans that have protein or the rice?
She's like, I don't, I don't know.
I go, oh, it's because I was wondering,
I'm just wondering if I'm getting too much protein
and one serving.
What's your protein?
You see, you're going to fucking,
you're even in the fucking snack aisle.
Protein chips, protein.
What the fuck is with this protein?
It's like the low carb.
Remember, everything was fucking low carb.
No carbs, they did that shit.
You know, low fat, everything was fucking low fat.
That's the new word of protein,
fucking driving me nuts.
But please, when they ask you,
what the fuck is protein milk?
What is that?
I can't go to Dunkin Donuts, you know.
I love, I love Dunkin.
D-D, Dunkin.
I'm a Dunki junkie.
God, the coffee sucks.
It's not fucking hot when you get it.
Anyway, welcome to the podcast.
Check out my comedy tour if you can this week
be in Los Angeles area.
I don't make it out there much.
So come out to a show if you can.
Pasadena, California to Ice House,
fucking great club legendary.
With Joe Bartonick and Don Jameson,
Friday, March 6th, Saturday, March 7th,
Hollywood, California, Improv, right on fucking,
what street is that on?
I forget.
But anyway, yeah, with Don Jameson,
Joe Bartonick, and then March 8th,
Costa Mesa, Westwood Coast,
Costa Mesa, California,
of Bartonick and Jameson.
March 13th, Newtown, Pennsylvania,
to Newtown Theater.
March 2021, Kenosha Comedy Club with Don Jameson,
Kenosha Wisconsin, Boca Black Box, Boca Raton,
March 27th, 28th.
I'll be in Pompano Beach at the Sound Post venue,
April 1st,
a Gonquan Theatre, Manusguan, New Jersey,
April 11th.
Soul Joe's Comedy Club,
Potstown, Pennsylvania, April 18th.
I'll be in the Conte, New York,
also Buffalo, New York on May 9th.
Spokane, Washington, May 13th,
Tacoma, Washington, May 14th.
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania,
May 29th, 30th.
Eerie, Pennsylvania, June 18th through the 20th.
Conroe, Texas, right outside of Houston,
on July 10th and 11th.
July 12th, I'll be in Nashville,
Tennessee.
It's not on sale yet, but I'll be doing a zanies there.
August 18th, Springfield, Missouri,
August 19th, Tulsa, Oklahoma,
August 20th, Oklahoma, City, Oklahoma.
Never been out there at fucking Oklahoma.
I think I know, I didn't want to,
they have these like college conventions,
where comedians like,
all these like,
kids that book these colleges,
which is a lot of money,
if you do colleges,
you get on that college circuit to do stand up.
And they have like a big convention,
and a bunch of comedians will go to their perform,
and then if they like it, it'll pick you,
and they want to book you at their college.
Someone just remind you,
I think it was Adam Hunter,
the comedians just reminded me,
that we went to Oklahoma City,
and I had an agent at the time,
that was like, I'll get in the college market,
I go, look, man, my fucking act isn't,
right, for fucking college kids.
Like, you never know.
So I go out there,
Oklahoma City does a big college convention,
and
some fucking girl in the crowd,
who picks like the talent,
you know, like that's the crowd there,
starts heckling me.
I did some homeless joke or something,
and she's like, that's not funny.
You should feel something like that.
You should feel better.
I go, what?
She's like, that's not funny.
I go, are you heckling me?
She's like, yeah,
I didn't like that joke.
I go, who gets a fuck if you didn't like it or not?
Did you like the one before that?
She goes, yeah, that one was okay.
I'll go, okay.
So let me know,
after every joke, I'm going to stop,
and you tell me if you fucking like it or not.
How about that?
And the whole room is completely silent.
As you just continue, I go, thanks.
Thanks.
I like when my mom's here to tell me what to do.
She's like, well, I'm not booking you at my college.
You go, good, good.
What college is it, by the way?
And I, whatever college she said,
I got college sucks anyway.
My friend that went there, he said, it's the worst.
Fucking silence in the room.
I didn't give a shit.
And then afterwards, you go to like some little booth,
and they come by, and you know,
your agent's there, and you're fucking have to be nice to him.
Yeah, we want to get you a college.
We want to book you, yeah.
And the woman comes over, she goes,
I want an apology.
And I go, for what?
And the agent's like, no, he's sorry.
I go, no, no, no, I go for one of my apology.
Are you fucking heckled me?
She goes, I wanted apology.
That's not how this stuff works.
I don't know how it works.
I go, I know how it works.
You don't heckle the comedian when you're up there.
You don't like a joke.
Just fucking sit there and take it.
She goes, well, I'm not booking you at my college.
And I'll tell other college, I go, good.
Who gives a fuck?
All the other comedians were dying.
The agent's like, dude, what are you doing?
I go, yeah, what I'm going to tell you?
Who gives a fuck that she has some college
in like, Ithaca, New York.
Who did I can't do?
Oh, no.
That was the only time I was like, oh,
no, I actually open for a mega death
in a fucking Oklahoma city.
Or maybe it was Tulsa.
I don't remember, but
that anyway, I'm coming out there,
but I just, that just reminded me that.
That was another one.
It was a Tulsa Oklahoma,
it was a concert venue.
It's outside.
And it's like connected to like a fucking
a zoo, an animal zoo.
You guys must know if you're out there in that area.
And you're not allowed to curse
because it's outside and there's a fucking zoo there.
And they tell you, if you curse on stage
is $1,000 for every curse you say.
And I didn't notice.
And I guess like bands,
like Marilyn Manson had a fucking pay like $20,000.
They took out of his fucking pay at the end
and then I just kept cursing on purpose.
I didn't know I go up there.
I was, oh, but if I like three or four bands,
before mega death,
when I like five, 30, I go on the first show,
which I guess a bunch of people are at the fucking zoo.
It's still light out.
And I start cursing like a maniac.
And some guy comes up, comes up
at the stage manager when I walk off stage
and goes, what's your name?
I go, why?
He goes, you, we got a problem.
He's like, you're not allowed to curse.
I go, says, who?
He goes, that's the rule here.
You're not allowed to curse.
It's $1,000 every time you curse.
I heard at least five.
I need your name because that's coming out of your pay tonight.
And I go, I already Fletcher
and he wrote it down.
That's my comedian friend.
He's like, what?
I go, I already Fletcher.
And he wrote it down on a piece of paper.
And I go, I still got to go out there again.
He goes, well, I'll be watching.
I go, whatever.
And then I call the agent.
He's like, oh, shit, I forgot to tell you about that.
And then I talked to that guy, Dave Mustaine and Megadeth.
And I was telling him he was laughing.
He goes, yeah, oh, yeah, this venue's famous for that.
He goes, once in a while, I let one slip.
It cost me a grand, but it's worth it.
And he goes, tell him what I go, what the fuck,
what am I going to do?
He goes, so we pay you out of our money.
So I ain't coming out of yours.
Let him go look up whatever friend's name he gave.
So it's just, and then we fucking left.
I didn't get to five grand.
Take it out.
But that was in a toe-socle home, a $1,000 curse.
Oh, you know, because some kids, some 15-year-old kids
with the animal zoo are going to be offended
that they heard a curse from a fucking mile away.
Yeah, all right.
So where the fuck are we?
All right, let's get to, uh,
join my Patreon.
Extra episode every week, patreon.com.
Uh, slash Jim Florentine.
And comedy metal midges at gmail.com is the email.
If you see any good shit out there, please send it in.
Getting a lot of never-happened stories, moms and a week, dads and a week.
Everybody's bragging.
Everybody's fucking, they, everybody can't get enough fucking attention.
They can't get enough.
So let me put some fucking fake shit out there.
Now we got a dad and a week.
Um, Jason sent this in Minneapolis.
He's like, Jim, check out this data.
This guy's name is Ross Tucker.
He's actually, he does the NFL.
He's a NFL analyst or whatever.
He's, I think he's on the NFL network.
I know who he is.
He just wanted to know that he's a really busy dad
and he's got a lot going on.
He posted his whole schedule of the day.
What, what his day was going to tell.
And then, um, he said that someone in the,
Jason said someone in the comments section said that this was a schedule from 10 years ago,
not in his daughter is going to law school.
So this isn't even his schedule now.
This is from like 10 years ago.
You know, it's not enough that the guy's on fucking, you know,
radio, TV,
Dune NFL, the NFL is the most popular sport in the world.
And he still needs attention.
Does he get enough when he's on TV?
So he has to get it on social media afterwards.
So he puts today's schedule 5 30 AM workout.
Once let everyone know he works out.
That he's that dedicated.
He gets up that early to work out.
Just wants to let everyone know that.
So, you know, he just wants someone.
No, this fucking guy is amazing.
I mean, fucking deck.
I can't never get up that early and work out.
But once let you know he works out,
which, you know, it's good to know.
Maybe look, maybe if he just inspires one person,
if one person go walk around and go fucking Russ,
or Ross, whatever the fuck his name is, he gets up at 5 30.
Why can't I get up at 5 30 and work out?
If he could do it, then I could do it.
If he just can get one person,
I saw this fucking mom video the other day, you know.
You know, she's one of these.
I'm a mom in Florence, all right.
I just, I just want to, you know,
I want to tell her about my day.
So other moms can follow me in there.
I posted a new video.
What is she going to say?
I dropped the kids off, then I did this.
And there was some, her mom had some fucking weird,
kind of fucking disease.
They just found, you know, the doctors.
She went to a bunch of doctors and they couldn't figure out
what it was in this one place.
They actually figured it and I love them.
I want to give them a plug.
And I do, I just, you know, I bring this up,
you know, because I know it's like health issues in my family.
But if it could just, if one mom out there,
you know, here's this.
If they run into the same problem,
this is what it probably is.
What fuck, some rare disease that our fucking mom has,
that our fucking 70 year old mom has.
If I could just, just one woman out there,
that's why I'm putting this out there.
If this, if you ever hear any symptoms, it could be this.
Right, because that's why you did it.
That's why you did it.
There might be one mom out.
There's such a rare disease that, you know,
fucking 99.7% of the fucking world doesn't have it.
But if there's one mom out there
that has a mom that gets this,
this is what these symptoms, this is what it could be.
Or you're just looking for some sympathy.
And you want everyone to go, oh my God,
I'm gonna put some, I'll hit the prayer hands,
fucking button like six times.
And that should help, right?
If I just comment underneath and just,
you know, hit with my thumb, just hit the prayer hands.
If I hit one, two, three, four, five, six,
that enough prayer hands, seven.
Now, let me make a 10, 8, 9, 10.
Yeah, that should do it.
Now, I wonder if I put 20 prayer hands
with that, with that disease go away.
All right, let me hit 10 more.
It's just my thumb hitting my phone.
No big deal.
Do you think anyone
that heard that, that the woman was saying,
and then maybe put in a comment section, prayer, or whatever,
did anyone go, I'm gonna take a minute
and pray for this woman's mother.
Because that's what you're really supposed to do,
like the prayer is, you go, hey, God, please,
my grandmother, you know, she just got diagnosed with cancer.
And could you please let her be okay?
She doesn't, you know, this isn't gonna be too painful.
And please, let the cancer go away in these treatments,
you know, hoping on a factor, you know, too much.
And she's around a long time.
I want to say some prayers that maybe some miracle
that this cancer, you know, this cancer goes away.
And then they'd say a couple of hell marries,
our father or whatever.
That's the way you're supposed to pray.
Instead of going, God, this is,
this is woman on social media.
She's called a mom influencer.
Yeah, mommy influencer.
And I don't know where I just, she pops up on my fucking feed.
But her mother, I don't know her mother's name,
or either whatever, this woman's name is Ashley.
Ashley, the mom, she goes by.
Her mother's got some fucking rare disease.
They just found out.
And she's hoping she's gonna be okay.
So could you throw a few prayers and make sure she's okay?
You know, if God's list, he's like,
well, who, what's the woman's name?
I need a name.
I don't fucking know.
I'm pretty busy.
If you look up Ashley, the mom on the Facebook group,
the mom Facebook group, and I think she's on Instagram,
then you could find out.
Yeah, why need a name?
I don't know who to fuck you talking about.
I don't know this fucking mom.
I'm supposed to be the influencer, not fucking this mom.
Well, I just, I don't know.
If you look her up and then maybe you could figure out the mom,
and she's the one that needs to help.
Is that how it's gonna work?
Thank you for all the prayers.
Thank you for all the well wishes.
She's just don't have just one mom.
You know,
967 people saw that video,
but if there's one,
at a 967, maybe 650 have moms.
Maybe the rest of their moms are dead.
So now we're down to 650.
So I had about 650 to super, super rare disease.
If I could just help one of those moms, in case they get it,
these are the symptoms.
Because a year from now, if that mom gets it,
she can be like, wait, what did Ashley, the fucking mom,
Ashley, the mom, wait, I remember her mom got sick
and she listed, I've seen 75,000 videos of her since then.
But what was, I think she mentioned something about these symptoms.
I think my mom, I gotta go find that video.
I remembered that.
She, no one's gonna remember that.
She's done 75,000 other videos since then.
Oh my God, just dropped the kids off.
Now I gotta go to here.
And then they gotta, I gotta bring them back.
They're gonna get the, they're so excited.
The, today the braces are coming off.
They've been on for two years.
Really excited.
And then I gotta pick my kid up from basketball.
And then, then I gotta go home and make dinner.
And we got family coming this week and woof.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it.
No sleep.
Plenty of coffee.
Check back in an hour for more updates.
Mmm.
Brutal beyond belief.
But let's get back to our roster schedule.
Cause he's a fucking great dad.
He's our dad in a week.
5.30am workout.
7am drive to volleyball.
8am arrive.
Ooh, that was an hour in the car.
That's a lot.
I feel bad.
Don't you feel bad for, for Ross.
He had a drive an hour.
Took a watch his kids play volleyball.
I mean, you know, people have to drive an hour for work.
People have to fucking commute every day.
Get on a bus, get on a train.
Fucking miserable.
Everybody's miserable on that.
They're miserable sitting in fucking traffic.
Trains, you know, stop in in the middle.
Somebody fucking jumped on the track.
You're stuck.
You'll late for work.
You're packed in like fucking sardines.
But this guy drove in a car by himself for an hour.
After his workout, of course.
8am he arrives.
9am watch older one play volleyball.
10am watch older one play volleyball.
Noon watch older one play in volleyball.
1pm watch older one work volleyball.
2.30 watch younger one play volleyball.
3.30 watch younger one work volleyball.
4.30 watch younger one play volleyball.
5.30 watch younger one work volleyball, whatever fuck that means.
7.30pm watch younger one play volleyball.
8.30pm drive home.
10pm sleep and do some things tomorrow.
How does this man do it?
Now, why would you think that this guy would post his schedule?
For what reason would he post his schedule make this public?
You think the guy wants a few fucking pats on the back?
You think he wants some attention going holy shit?
What a fucking long day.
Good luck.
You're amazing.
You're amazing that you started watching volleyball at 9am.
And it didn't until 7.30pm.
You tune your two kids.
What a fucking great dad you are.
How could you fit all this in one day?
But you know, look, he's amazing.
He is fucking amazing.
And yeah, everyone in the comments,
you're a better man than me.
Have fun.
Meanwhile, now some guy post this,
this is the strokes of my buddy had two girls
and they were in like cheerleading competitions.
And this guy writes,
Ross, you haven't lived until you invest six hours
for a cheerleading competition to watch your daughter perform for two minutes.
You have to sit there for hours and hours
to watch like a two minute thing.
So yeah.
But this guy,
meanwhile, like I'm saying,
if you're a dad and you're watching your kids play sports,
there's nothing fucking better.
It's great.
And once they're fucking in college
and they're gone or in high school,
they stop playing.
You're fucking hated.
You watch a game.
It's like an hour or two.
You're fucking hang out with other parents.
You watch your kids play.
They're fucking happy.
They're hanging out on the bench.
They're fucking with all their friends and shit like that.
Nothing better.
But this guy, it's a chore.
Because you know why?
Because this day isn't about him.
And that's what's bothering him.
So he has to put that out there.
Go look.
You know, I'm a TV.
I'm on TV.
I'm a TV and radio personality.
A lot of people come to me from their NFL opinions.
But I got to do this.
So this isn't about me.
So I got to put it out there.
Because fuck, man.
This sucks.
Ugh.
Oh, this is a great never happened story.
How fucking sad people are.
That guy Ross has to post this schedule.
Because it's not about me.
It's I'm making a sacrifice.
Look at the sacrifice I am making.
Okay.
Because my two daughters found the sport that they like.
And they're happy that their dad's in the fucking crowd.
But this isn't about me.
So I got to post it like look, look at all this shit that I do.
Besides my regular job.
That is guy.
I drive Uber on the night shift.
You meet all kinds.
Drunks, lovers, tired nurses.
At 2 a.m., I picked up a guy from a hospital.
He got in the back looking shell shocked.
Didn't say a word.
We drove in silence for 10 minutes.
Then I heard a sniffle.
I glanced in the rear view.
He was staring out the window.
Tears streaming down his face.
Rough night, I ask quietly.
My wife, he choked out.
She just.
The cancer.
She's gone.
My heart stopped.
I turned off the meter.
I'm not taking you home yet.
I said.
He looked up.
Confused.
What?
You can't go to an empty house right now.
Not yet.
I pulled into one all night diner.
Come on.
Coffee and pie.
On me.
He hesitated.
Then nodded.
We sat in that booth for three hours.
He told me about her laugh.
How they met.
How she hated peas.
I just listened.
When I finally dropped him off at 6 a.m.,
the sun was coming up.
He shook my hand.
Thank you, he said.
For not making me be alone in the dark.
I didn't make a dime that night.
But it was the most important drive of my life.
You drive an Uber.
When you found that guy's wife died,
you turned a meter off.
Now, they could do that in a cab.
There's no meter in an Uber.
So you told this guy,
you're not going home.
He's like, what?
What do you mean?
And then you pulled into a diner.
He's like, come on, get out.
He hesitated.
And then you spent three hours with this guy
to sitting there talking.
And then you dropped them off.
The sun was coming up.
You shook his hand.
He didn't make a dime that night.
It's not about that.
I'm just an amazing person.
I didn't make any money that night.
I worked the overnight shift.
But you know what?
I didn't make anything that night.
But it was the most important drive of my life.
Not in no comments here.
I wish I could see him.
But you know, there are still good people in this world.
Okay, dude, you full of shit.
Okay.
You might have picked a guy out from the hospital.
You might have, that might have said,
oh man, my wife just passed away.
Holy shit, dude.
I'm really sorry.
He probably wouldn't say anything.
You know, usually you do a driver doesn't go,
you okay?
Back there, they usually don't fucking say anything.
But if he did, do it.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
And then you fucking dropped them off.
None of the rest of it happened.
You didn't stop at a fucking all night diner.
You didn't sit there for fucking three hours.
Come on, coffee and pie on me.
Are you really?
You're gonna pay?
You're gonna pay for the coffee and pie?
Ugh.
Just be happy.
You're not these people.
That's all I can tell you.
Let's get to a motivational quoted today, right in case.
You need to get motivated.
If you didn't get Ross's schedule, you know,
all that action-packed day he had, nothing about him in there,
that didn't motivate you.
Till like, you know what?
I got to stop bitching.
I'm just, you know, I complained about my day.
That guy really has a fucking, you know,
what a schedule he has.
Maybe it might sent this and maybe this will motivate you.
He goes, Jim, I was scrolling through photos of my phone.
I found this gem.
I saw in a wall in a house that my girlfriend and I booked
on Airbnb last year.
It was hanging on the kitchen wall.
Was that on your bingo card?
I want them to, how many people's lives have changed?
You have to, they sort us motivational sign.
It changed my life for sure.
Thank God there are still kind and loving people in this world.
You're right, Mike.
You are right.
So this is in the house that they rented.
Hang on on the wall, eat glitter for breakfast
and sparkle all day.
Just imagine reading that.
How much your day would change?
When you see a sign, eat glitter for breakfast
and sparkle all day.
Just imagine how what a shit day you be having
and your sort of sign and it changed your whole day.
Take a picture of it, put it on your phone
if you have it a shitty day, right?
You're like, fuck.
Oh man, you're just dreading the day when you get up.
Just go look at that.
And your day will completely change.
Going one of those stores like a hobby lobby
or a fucking home goods, right?
And just go in the, you know, look at the inspirational signs
in there that they sell.
Just walk around the store, right?
Walk in the fucking hobby lobby.
The one with that.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Well, you know, where are the inspirational signs,
all the signs and shit like that that people hang on their wall?
Oh, they're right down there.
Okay.
You look at anything specific.
No, I'm just having a really shitty day.
And I need some motivation.
I just popped in here so I could read a few signs.
And then I'll be good to go.
I just want my day to go good, the rest of it.
The rest of it, they go good.
So I'm just going to read a few signs.
And then I'm not going to buy anything.
I'm just going to go down that aisle, read a few.
And then I'm going to fucking, I'm going to walk in miserable.
And I'm going to walk out with a fucking big smile on my face.
I just need to read a few of these fucking signs
to get me motivated today.
And now I'm good.
Right?
I would work like if you need to be motivated.
You just fuck, I can't get out of bed or fuck.
You know, all right, I got to go do this.
And you're running errands.
Let me just pop in fucking home goods.
Let me read a few signs.
And I'm good.
Oh, well, the target has some too.
We'll go in the target.
Oh, here we go.
You are driven.
You are great.
Don't let anyone tell you.
No.
That's all I needed.
Now I'm going to go to the gym.
I wish I would have saw Ross there,
but he was there 5.30 in the morning.
I mean, that guy is fucking amazing.
You know, I'm not Ross, but Matthew sent this in.
I love it.
He's a fucking shitster.
It's beautiful.
So someone posted a
Lord, multiply my income.
Not just for my needs, but so I can bless others through my success.
Amen.
And it was like fucking daffy duck sitting there or whatever.
And Matthew writes, one, I don't think praying for a higher income
has ever worked in a history of prayer.
Number two, why is there a picture of daffy duck?
And then this woman writes, Matthew, with all due respect,
I would like to say that we all have the right to freedom of expression.
If you not share the same perspective, you are free to disregard it.
Everyone has a right to express their belief in a great and merciful God
who listens to us and helps guide us as we continue striving forward in this life.
And Matthew writes, I never said you didn't have the right to freedom of expression.
That said, I also have the freedom of expression to tell you how silly this post is.
Beautiful.
I don't think prayer for a higher income has ever worked in a history of prayer.
Exactly.
But this person just said, God, could you give me more money
so I can help other people?
I can bless other people through my success.
You know, if you could just throw me some more money, I can help other people.
You know, you can't help people if you don't have a lot of money.
That's the thing.
You know, you can never do anything to help people unless you're fucking
and bank accountants fall.
What's, here we go.
Oh, Andrea sent us in.
Jim, long time listener of the podcast.
This one is straight up mom of the week material.
Saw Facebook post that was just brutal, crude pity party from a mom who seems generally shocked
that parenting is hard.
She's bitching about work in 24-7.
No breaks, no rest while that's apparently get to relax.
Like kids just parachute it into a house one day and ruined her pitiful life.
Nobody fucking forced her into this.
This wasn't a drive by parenting.
You willingly spread your legs.
The whole thing reads like I chose to have kids and now I'm pissed about it.
The martyr energy is off the charts.
You wanted a baby so suffer.
I don't have kids for the same reason.
I like to fucking relax.
Parenting being hard is not new information.
Posting a whining manifesto about it doesn't make you brave.
It just makes you loud and annoying with Wi-Fi.
I didn't comment as I don't even follow this person.
So how the hell are they showing up on my feed?
Andrea.
Andrea.
So this is what the woman writes.
Okay.
It's wild how dads deserve a break after working.
But moms are expected to work 24-7 just because they're the mom.
No clock out, no lunch break, no quiet commute, no sick days.
And if a mom says she's overwhelmed, she's complaining.
Parenting isn't babysitting what it's your own kids.
And helping isn't parenting either.
It's the bare minimum.
If one parent gets interrupted rest while the other is running on fumes,
that's not teamwork.
That's in balance.
Some moms aren't tired because of their kids.
They're tired of carrying the mental and physical load alone.
If this post makes some a defensive, maybe ask why.
Whoa.
And then she puts them hashtags.
Hashtag parenthood.
Hashtag mom and dad.
Hashtag mom life.
Yay.
Hashtag motherhood.
Hashtag postpartum.
Hashtag motherhood journey.
Can we put in that?
Let's put Hashtag mom life.
Wow.
You know, dad's working.
That's how they decided to work this.
And she's tired of watching the kids.
And nobody comes home like, no, you fucking take them.
But maybe he just needs to unwind a little bit.
What a bitter woman.
What a fucking bitter woman.
She's jealous that the guys at work.
And she thinks she's having fun.
You know, while she's just fucking running around,
taking care of two or three kids.
One's puking.
They've got the TV on.
Gonna try to give this kid a nap.
Once they keep it quiet, all the shit.
You know, making dinner, putting shit in the oven.
And then she's like, he's just having fun at work.
Meanwhile, it's stressful, whatever he's doing.
He's got a long commute home.
When he comes home, he just wants to fucking eat.
And unwind a little bit.
And then I'll play with the kids.
But this woman is so fucking,
but I bet she's at, look, he's at lunch.
Yeah, just that, can I call you in 10 minutes?
Yeah, I'm just finishing up lunch with a couple of guys
from the office.
Yeah, I'll be back on my desk in like 20 minutes.
Can you call me in?
And right, this is what she's thinking.
This motherfucker.
Mother fuckers out the lunch.
Would other people from work.
And they're laughing.
And they're having fun.
And they're telling stories.
And they're just having a good time.
They might even have a beer.
And I'm home fucking cleaning up puke.
As he's fucking hanging out with the boys at lunch.
But he's got to eat.
So she'd rather I'm just, you know,
who's up to her.
It'd be better if she just packed them a lunch
and he sat at his desk and ate it by himself.
Good no fun.
Don't have any fun while she's fucking, you know,
doing all this stuff.
And I love it because some woman right away
and it goes, well, listen on popular opinion.
My husband deserves that break when he gets home.
He needs to unwind and have a breather for a bit in my opinion.
Usually he doesn't take one and helps right out with our son
when he gets home.
But I tell him that relax for a bit.
Because I know his job can be stressful.
Beautiful.
But this mom, you know, hey.
Men don't need it.
You think this woman likes men.
This woman is very angry.
I didn't sign up for this.
I don't know what she thought.
Like Andrea was going to sit less saying.
I don't know what she thought when she was going to have these kids
where it was going to happen.
Maybe they're just going to take care of themselves.
Like they're so wonderful that, you know,
they were in her fucking belly.
That I got her jeans and traits that they would just figured out
because she could fucking figure it out.
Obviously she can't.
She can't even fucking figure out, you know,
that this is the system that's going to have to do for now.
That someone's got to go fucking work and make the money to keep the lights on
and fucking buy all your fucking baby shit.
I'm just exhausted.
Are you?
Nobody else is.
Nobody else is.
Hunter sent this in.
Jim, I'm a Patreon subscriber.
And I saw you when you're in North Carolina in October.
I know the vibe.
Okay.
I wanted to introduce myself after the show,
but in true Jim Florentine fashion,
I figured you wouldn't give a fuck.
Now, always.
I don't, I have no problem fucking meeting people after the show.
I have none.
He goes, there's a punk song from the anti-knowware league.
And every time I hear it, I think this is a song Jim could have written.
I wanted to send you the link, whatever.
And I figured you don't give a fuck about Apple music,
but here to lyrics.
Now, of course,
I know that song.
I have the album, the anti-knowware league album,
with that song on it.
The song is called So What?
So fucking what Metallica covered it.
No, it's the fuck.
I like that song since whenever it came out,
I fucking like that song.
The lyrics are so fucking what.
I've been the hastings.
I've been the Brighton.
I've been the Eastbourne too.
There's a band from England.
So What?
So What?
I've been here.
I've been there.
I've been every fucking where.
So What?
So What?
So What?
You boring little cunt.
Well, who cares?
Who cares what you do?
Who cares?
Who cares what you do?
Well, I fucked the queen.
I fucked Bach.
I've even sucked an old man's cock.
So What?
So What?
And I fucked the sheep.
I fucked the goat.
I ran my cock right down its throat.
So What?
So What?
So What?
You boring little fuck.
Who cares?
Who cares what you do?
And I've drunk that.
I've drunk this.
I spewed upon a pint of piss.
So What?
I've had skank.
I've had speed.
I've jacked off until I bleed.
So What?
So What?
You boring little cunt.
I've had crabs.
I've had lice.
I've had to clap and that ain't nice.
So What?
So What?
I fucked this.
I fucked that.
Who girls twat?
So What?
So What?
So What?
So What?
You boring little fuck.
Believe me.
I've liked that song for fucking years.
And if you haven't listened, check it out.
Anti-knowware leaks.
So What?
Or Metallica did a cover version of it too.
It's fucking awesome.
So, uh, yeah, a song that I could have written.
Yeah, but I wouldn't have put a sucked an old man's cock.
But hilarious.
And that was fucking, that was like the 80s that song came out.
Imagine a fucking, they must have people
wants to freak that over the lyrics and shit like that.
Um, what else we got here?
Oh, yeah.
One more never happened story to Matt sent in.
He was shit.
I saw this one today.
What a great, never happened story.
The whole time I'm reading this, I hear it in your voice,
and I'm laughing my ass off.
Maybe you use it on the show.
This guy, you know, sometimes parents,
it depends how they want to brag.
Like Ross is bragging that I'm going to watch my kid,
my girls play volleyball all day.
And it feel bad for me.
The other woman's like, hey, these dads don't deserve a break.
I'm fucking exhausted and I'm doing everything.
And he's not carrying the weight and it's not fair.
Then this guy's like, you know what?
I got to show a little tough love to my kid.
I hope I'm okay by doing this, but I, you know,
this one needs to be done.
He goes, my 18 year old son felt three subjects
because he spent the entire semester playing video games.
My wife wanted to pay for a private tutor and help him.
So he wouldn't lose the year saying he's just a teenager.
I did something different.
I canceled the home internet and sold his PlayStation.
With that money instead of paying for a tutor,
I bought him a professional cleaning kit.
Okay, let me stop right there.
So he canceled the home internet.
So the whole family doesn't have the internet now.
What does mom do on our laptop?
What do you do when you got to do some work from home or whatever?
So there's no internet.
Now if you stream on your TVs, you can't watch TV either.
The whole house says no internet.
He canceled it.
And he sold his PlayStation.
Okay, whatever that could possibly be.
But he canceled the internet.
So when people come over, hey, what's the internet?
I want to get on the I canceled it.
So there's no internet in the house.
Okay.
He goes, I told him.
So what he did with that money, he bought a professional cleaning kit.
Because you know, you could just go to any story.
Yeah, can I get...
I want to get a professional cleaning kit.
Oh, sure. Right down, I'll four.
Right next to the inspirational signs.
He goes, I told him that if he didn't want to study,
then he has already...
He was an already a working...
He's already a working adult.
I made him get up every day at 5 a.m.
Oh, maybe you'll see Ross going to the gym.
Oh, he goes at 5.30.
But maybe while you're cleaning, maybe you'll see...
Is that the guy from the NFL?
Wow, he's going to the gym this early.
I'm up at 5 a.m.
He may never get up at...
I may never get up at 5 a.m.
To clean the windows of my office
and the bathroom of a friend's workshop
throughout his entire vacation.
So, every day it gets...
It cleans the, you know...
The office windows.
That is dad's office.
I mean, I don't know how fucking dirty those windows.
I mean, once you clean them once,
you could pretty much leave them alone for at least a week, right?
But every day...
Well, dad, there's nothing on here.
It's completely fucking clean.
There's not even a smudge.
I just clean it again.
Clean it again.
You know, it's not like this kid...
He gets guys fucking...
You know...
The mop boy in a fucking...
In a peep booth.
Or they have the screens where the screen goes up
and there's a window there.
And you jerk off to a girl on a phone.
You know, and so much shoots a load on the window
and you've got to go in and keep costly cleaning.
Then you're like, okay, yeah.
I mean, he's got to keep cleaning.
Every day at 5 a.m.
He goes, my son screamed at me.
That he hates me.
And then I'm a dictator.
My mother-in-law stopped talking to me
because she says I'm exploiting my own son
and then I'm going to traumatize him for life.
Yesterday, after a month of hard work,
my son came into the room crying.
He gave me the money he earned
and begged me to please enroll him in the remedial classes.
That he finally understood.
He'd rather study 10 hours than clean bathrooms.
Eight hours under the sun.
Am I a cruel father who stole his adolescence?
Or am I the only one teaching him that in real life?
Nobody gives you anything if you don't put it in the effort.
Oh, that's pretty controversial.
Wow.
This guy, I mean, what was going on?
Like I said, the windows and also the bathroom
of a friend's workshop.
For 10 hours a day.
Think about how fucking fake this story is.
So in his office windows,
he's got to clean them every at 5 a.m.
And 10 hours a day,
he's got to clean that and the office bathroom of his friend.
What is going on in these places
that they need to be clean?
So 10 hours.
He's spending 10 hours between office windows.
Now I got to go over here and do the bathroom.
Okay, but no one's been in the bathroom.
One person fucking, you know, was in there yesterday.
Everything spotless.
Spotless.
But he did that for 10 hours a day.
10 fucking hours a day.
Did all of that stuff.
And after a month,
he said, came to be crying.
Just picture.
He clean those windows a month straight.
He went in that bathroom for a month straight.
10 hours a day.
Did he have any days off?
You weren't specific there.
Did he work five days a week?
Oh, sorry, it was only eight hours.
He said, he'd rather study 10 hours than clean bathrooms.
Eight hours under the sun.
Okay, so it was only eight hours.
He only got an eight hour shift.
He just wants to show some tough love.
The mother-in-law stopped talking to him.
I mean,
sunscreen enemies, a dictator.
You know, instead,
you know, just got him a tutor.
But instead, he canceled the internet.
And so it was placed there.
He used that money to buy a professional cleaning kit.
I wonder what's in that professional cleaning kit?
What a fucking liar.
And he's hoping, he's like,
he wants...
Someone in the comment section is probably going to go, dude,
that's a little too much, man.
You know, I think you want a little overboard.
And that's going to bother him.
He just wants everyone to go.
That's, yes,
teach these young ones that it's life's tough.
You know, I think I got everything on their phone.
Everything's convenient for him.
That you showed him the right way,
the old school way, good for you.
That's what he wants.
But one guy
that goes, dude, that's a little too much, man.
That's almost fucking child abuse.
That's going to ruin that motherfucker's day.
That's going to ruin his day.
What?
I'm still fascinated what's going on in that bathroom.
Every morning goes in there.
Fucking another turn on the floor.
Jesus Christ.
How did the guy miss the toilet?
This piss everywhere.
There's another smudge on the window.
I don't know if I could do all this shit in eight hours.
Jeff sent this in.
He goes, Jim, everyone knows how much you run on Duncan.
So I thought you liked this.
So I'm posting serious question.
Does Duncan open door in a state of emergency, a snow storm?
Because this male lady runs on Duncan.
Do you?
I got to have my Duncan donuts.
Are they going to open because there was a state of emergency
with the snow?
And then some moment writes,
Duncan tends to abuse their workers.
So probably Duncan, I just call it Duncan.
Even though they still have donuts there,
it's tough to say Duncan and donuts.
It's too much.
I don't have time in the day.
I'm like Ross with my schedule.
You know, from 5.30 in the morning to 10 o'clock at night,
I don't have time to say Duncan donuts.
I just got to say Duncan.
Since they just call it Duncan,
do they have still up donuts?
Yeah, they still do.
Oh, then why did they take that off?
I don't know.
But they have protein milk there.
They got protein coffee.
Yeah, can I get a protein?
What kind of protein you want?
So when that woman goes,
Duncan tends to abuse their workers so probably.
The male lady goes,
shut up and make my coffee already.
Ooh.
Ooh, man.
And then another guy writes,
we used to work together at dunks.
And then he put a smiley face.
Tears are coming out.
Like, you know, the one with the tears on each side too.
So I think that means it's really funny.
Because if you just put like the regular smiley face,
you know, like the Nirvana shirts
or the regular smiley face.
But that, what does that mean?
You just, you know,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
you're like,
what does that mean?
You just smile,
and but when the tears come out,
that's really funny.
Now, why would that be funny if the guy writes
we used to work together at Duncan donor?
It's like to somebody else in the comments,
actually,
why would that be funny if they really did both work there?
What's the joke?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we did.
Uh, shut up and make my coffee already.
Ooh.
This male lady, she runs on Duncan.
That's right.
If she doesn't have a Duncan Donuts, I mean, you know,
how's the... there's no male.
You know, all of a sudden, you're like,
I haven't got male in three days.
What's going on?
Well, the Duncan Donuts in town, they had a shut
because they had some fucking, you know,
issues with rats and shit like that.
And they inspect the shut them down
because it's fucking it's dirty.
And they violated some code.
So this Duncan Donuts is shut down for a foreseeable future.
And this lady, she can't fucking deliver to male
because she runs on Duncan, this male lady.
So, you know, we got to wait for it to open again.
She's, she can't go 20 miles to the other Duncan Donuts.
So she's just gonna have to, you know,
we're gonna have to wait for a male.
I run on Duncan running through a fucking tree
with that truck.
Please do us a favor.
Please.
