RHLSTP 602 - Stevie Martin

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Thank you, my friend.

Hello.

Hello, Chelmsford.

How lovely to be here.

Hard to say that sincerely and it didn't come off.

Of course, capital city of England for a few days in 1381.

Congratulations. Probably, probably time to stop going on about it now.

During the peasants' revolt.

As is my understanding.

Welcome to Richard Erring.

Let's slag off the Essex's podcast.

Though I was hanging out at the pop-up top shop outside John Lewis today.

National fucking news.

That is on the BBC website.

The top shop has returned to Chelmsford.

Bringing you right up to date into the future 1983.

And now, aren't we excited about top shop?

After five years absence, you've got top shop back.

And the people there call it realist.

I don't know if that's going to catch on.

We're here as part of the Essex podcast festival.

If you want to find out all the fantastic stuff that's going on.

Go to ChelmsfordforU.co.uk.

Seems to be going off.

Take the lowest offer.

Who wants it?

I've been checking out the news for Chelmsford.

Before I come, I'd like to get to grips with the local place.

That's how I know all about the pop-up top shop.

Pop-up top shops.

Big news in Essex live.

Chelmsford.

Boom battle bar.

Once high-risk activity rules relaxed.

Don't know if you're aware of this.

They're fed up with the stupid rules about banning people from accident while they're drinking alcohol.

So they're trying to get that relaxed.

A spokesman, according to Essex Live says,

living in Chelmsford is depressing enough without restrictions.

Anyone killed by an axe will be delighted to no longer have to live in Chelmsford.

Didn't really say that.

That was me saying that.

I don't know if you know that you probably do Chelmsford was built on a Roman town.

There's a very small Roman town on the site of Malsham.

It's called Caesar, a major.

Caesar's his marketplace.

And if Julius Caesar could come back and just see Malsham now, how impressed he would be.

When you Google Malsham, it says it's the best known for anti-social behaviour.

Doesn't classify what that will be.

I'm sure there was some in Chelmsford.

You look at facts of the city and you can see it's desperate when certain facts come in.

Chelmsford made me look good.

Chelmsford Cathedral is the second smallest cathedral in the UK.

Derby is the smallest.

Why didn't you knock a bit off yours?

No, it's no good.

Why would do is just build a sarcastically small doll's house.

I'm going to do that in Hitchin.

See how you come back.

We'll talk about Charles Dickens next week.

I do come back for next week, show what he thought about Chelmsford.

Very exciting.

Look, we've got to go.

We've got a fantastic guest who has to get a train.

I'm not going to talk for too long.

She's probably the best known for appearing in that advert.

Where a woman is talking about different white paint colours with funny names.

Which isn't for a paint company.

That's why you're all here tonight.

Will you please welcome Stevie Martin, ladies and gentlemen.

Stevie Martin, from the paint advert.

There isn't for paint.

Sit down.

We've got a whole sofa for you.

Yeah, if you wish.

Hello, sorry, there's a microphone.

There's a microphone.

You can shout.

I saw your tweet about the paint advert.

It's not an advert for paint.

No, it's not.

You can find it online.

Yes, good quality shit.

It was renewed.

I was a Christmas bonus for Stephen.

It was for a mobile phone company.

It is.

Good that you know after they've paid you twice.

Well, I did the thing.

You have to tick when you do an advert.

You have to go through these forms.

You have to tick whether you've done any conflicting or rival adverts that are going.

And at that point, I'd done EE.

But I thought it was a paint, I didn't think it was, I thought it was a paint advert.

So genuinely.

And so I didn't tick it.

And then there was this horrific like midnight the night before.

We've got to get someone else in.

Oh, thank goodness.

I know great story.

I think they made a mistake of making it so much about paint when it was for mobile phones.

That would be my-

They did mention mobile phones once.

They did.

It's very funny about paint.

Yeah, I guess.

Do you do a lot of adverts, Stephen?

No, I went through a little, I had a little hot two years.

I did Thornton.

All the big hitters.

And Nigelie, I've been freaking out.

Smarty mobile, I don't think they're still functioning.

That was the paint one.

And then I did Farrow and Ball.

That was good.

That is paint.

Now, aren't you worried you were in trouble for being in two paint adverts?

Christ.

Right.

I thought that the more upmarket the brand, the more money you get paid for it.

Not at all Farrow and Ball.

Very stingy, I think.

I should have got paid in paint because that stuff is expensive.

That would be-

I did a fruit, my first ever acting job was a fruit pastels advert.

That's right.

Yes, and it was, you know, the film, the channel for film.

And it was a little interstitial bit.

And I didn't get any free fruit pastels from that at all.

And I was really like, oh, great.

Like that.

Because of the thing I didn't win anyway.

Did you think Farrow and Ball saw you do the other thing about it and said she knows what paint is?

Yeah.

She could do this adverts.

Yeah, that's mainly why.

No, I want to talk about this the whole time.

You talk about it.

Look, let's talk about Taskmaster first of all.

Because that seems to have been a big success for you.

Not for me.

Not for me.

My audience went down after Taskmaster.

I called to Paris.

I won, but you know, that's not what the public won.

They want to lose it.

I want someone to be the worst ever second place performer on the show.

Yeah.

It was a very good series.

I've been working with Fattia on a secret project that I'm going to talk about.

And she was a guest last week.

James Bond.

It is James Me and me and her are doing James Bond together.

She's James Bond.

She's James Bond and I'm Pussy Galore.

It's fantastic.

It's going to infuriate everyone in Essex.

How did you find it?

I mean, it's done very well for you.

You're very good on it.

It was a lovely group of people, isn't it?

I think it was a very nice group of people.

That was the main thing.

I thought when I saw the...

Obviously, when I found out I was ridiculous,

but when I saw who was doing it, I was like, that's an interesting group of people.

This could go either way.

I don't know any of them.

I've heard of all of them, but I don't know them.

They might be really...

I was really scared of meeting Jason because he was a big L.A.

Famous man.

I think he does.

In life, he's not like that.

Which is really nice.

Actually, when I was found out that I was in a group with him,

and I saw him as like...

But my first thought was like, oh my god, I'm going to have to really up my game.

Because the man is going to shout.

He's going to be so good at this.

And I'm not going to know what to do.

And actually, he was just so calm and lovely.

And a little bit of a mentor in a way.

And you were all the camera angles were and would say things like,

let's take that again for the edit.

We were like, what?

Doesn't edit?

No, TV worked at all.

But it was a really lovely series.

I'm really, really glad that it did well for me, specifically.

That's a real thrill.

But I think that's...

I mean, I'm fature as well.

For a lot of people who wouldn't have seen fature before that.

She was actually on quite a lot.

She was my big fat Greek quiz of the year.

Oh, did she?

You know, big fat quiz of the year that they do.

Before Taskmaster.

So she was actually quite o'fay with these shows and stuff.

But I think it catapulted it into another sort of dimension.

Well, she got to work with me afterwards, so that's why.

That's why.

We're very unlikely soul-bonded pair of people with me and Fatty.

You wouldn't have put us together or don't think.

But we went through some stuff together on this set.

You would, because I think that's what Fatty is great at.

She kind of gets on with people.

And she's got this...

I think the difference between her persona and her is really interesting.

And just makes her so lovable, I think, in a very unique way.

She's very vulnerable. She's very strong.

And the answer is very vulnerable.

She's lovely. She's fantastic.

I'm going to marry. I'm going to leave my wife a marry.

Of course. I'm sure she said that.

Yes, yes.

But you and Jason, though, were sort of this incredible force.

She became one name, a one named force.

One named force.

J.V. Malzukus.

Was it a name that we went for?

Yeah. And it's weird, because then he went to America

and never saw him again.

And he also does not have WhatsApp.

When I WhatsApp him, he takes two weeks to reply.

But it's really nice.

I'm hopefully going to go to America just like on a holiday.

At the end of the year.

And we're going to try and meet up.

I think he was meant to be in the UK in November.

That didn't work. But we're constantly chatting

and trying to kind of...

He's on Broadway at the moment.

I'd love to see that.

Probably shouting.

He probably is shouting and being insane.

My favourite task, I think, was the task that you had to put raisins

into a glass with your mouth without bending your body.

Oh, the live one.

Yes, yes.

I do.

It's just a very specific kink of mine that that is.

All those things together.

It was one of the sexiest things of all five of you.

Spitting.

Yeah.

There's a Reddit subgroup saying,

does this prove that Stevie Martin isn't human?

Yes.

Because you sort of the way you move.

That was the first episode, wasn't it?

It was the first live task.

I found that first recording very overwhelming.

Also, the live audience didn't have any.

I don't know.

I was at all.

More likely to laugh and enjoy people talking who they do know.

So I felt quite like, oh god.

And then that was the first time I was like,

I did something.

Greg was really laughing.

I thought he was laughing at other people.

The way you did that was...

You shouldn't be able to move like that.

You should be able to move like that.

You're now hoping that it was like...

It was like a Shen and Deluce, really,

where there's ants everywhere.

There's the surrealist film from the 1920s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I would have had all of that involved at Pierre.

Forget his name.

There's all ants come out of someone's hands.

It was very similar to that.

Sure.

Ben.

Yeah.

And they all missed the glass.

All of them missed the glass.

What was the favourite task in the taskmaster that you did?

I really liked the group ones, especially,

because I think the solo ones,

I sometimes would be so like,

oh, did I do good?

Like, I would always say afterwards,

like, was that a good one then?

He was like, I'm not going to tell me.

And also, I was the first one to record quite a few of them.

He was like, you literally can't know at this point.

Yes, absolutely.

And all the ones I thought I did well on, I didn't.

And all the ones that I thought I'd done terribly on,

I did really well on.

The group ones, I liked the best.

I really liked the one.

We did like a drive through thing with Jason.

I did it with Jason.

And he was sort of taking money.

And I was making the stuff.

And it turned out he was like telling the backstory of the drive through

to kind of like give me time to make these bits of bread out of,

like, it was really fun.

Also, as well, he didn't understand currencies.

He had to take payment as well.

And the coins, it was absolutely bin fire.

I think we won that one.

This was really good.

Did you, it's their task, because when I did it,

there's about four or five tasks I did that never got on to air.

It's quite hard to remember.

Because often you're watching, you're on the show

and you've forgotten the tasks they're about to show you.

And so every now and then I go,

hold on, wasn't there a thing where I had to put spaghetti together

and make it in a long rock?

That wasn't even on the tally.

Why did Alex Horn make me do that?

Yes.

There was one involving eating a chocolate duck.

That was, yeah.

And it was all like, well, if you want person eats the duck,

and then you get no points.

But if no one else eats the duck, like one of those ones.

Yeah.

And I can't remember.

Oh, no, yeah, I think I did eat it.

And yeah, that was only like about a month after I was like,

oh, the duck!

And everyone was like, oh my god, the duck!

But yeah, that was the best bit actually doing the live show.

And then watching how everyone else did it.

Like, to then sort of slowly realise that what you thought

the task was wasn't what the task was.

Yeah.

And seeing Fatty are doing 30 seconds.

And then being like, that took me 18 minutes.

So...

Did he bully anyone?

Because he does this every now and again.

He did it to me where he makes one person do something

that nobody else has to do.

So there was a thing where we had to act out of scene.

And most people did two parts.

And I had to do every single part and learn every single part.

He did he bully anyone.

I don't think so, no.

I think he's very careful.

It's like Josh Whitaker may make camp bake beans, doesn't he?

Yeah.

And Josh Whitaker really did it.

He chooses the right person to do these things too.

It's bullying, isn't it?

It is bullying.

But it feels, I think, I've spoken to some people

who have done Taskmaster and have felt like,

oh Greg had it in for me or like,

or they felt a little bit uncomfortable.

But I thought it was really fun.

And I think it was something to do.

I think Greg was quite intimidated by FATCHIA.

I was trying to get out of her,

whether you know, at backstage,

whether he was able to talk to her.

Because I think he was quite scared.

Yeah.

The advances, well there were many,

very direct.

She wanted to marry him and call it mosque master.

I think.

So I should get back.

Yeah.

Well, Greg sort of like,

we all had lunch and we'd all hang out.

And then Greg sort of appears just before the recording.

Yeah.

And it is sort of like, he's sort of, he's so tall

and he's so kind of intimidating.

But backstage, yeah, they would chat and start.

Yeah.

Like, it was all right.

I think the first episode was like, oh, you know,

when you're finding out what people are going to be like.

That's what she's going to be like.

Yeah, well, we did as in lockdown.

So it was really weird.

It was a shame really to do it.

Like, talk to each other in on set.

That's so hard.

And then off we'll go off and not, you know.

How do you, I was very impressed that you had the chemistry

that you did considering.

What about Daisy May Cooper basically?

Well, yeah.

I mean, is that chemistry or is that, I mean, it gives it a chemistry?

I enjoyed it.

It's chemistry in the sense that it could have exploded.

Yeah.

And been lots of different colours.

Mainly red.

It's happened spoken to us since I've tried to get,

it was quite upset to lose.

I think.

Also, that I didn't recognise it.

It was mainly, wasn't it?

But there we go.

So look, there's, and look, the other,

you've been on the podcast a couple of times.

And now I think maybe three times altogether.

And I think it sort of feels rightly so, Steve.

You've been a big champion of you since I first met you.

But it feels like it's all sort of coming together.

And you're getting the acclaim that you deserve.

You're on the Michelin Web series recent in which I really enjoyed.

Did you?

I did.

I think.

I thought you were excellent in it.

Thank you.

I thought there was some sketches there.

I'm like, what?

I thought there was, honestly, I think when you watch a sketch show,

you know, some of you like and some of you don't like.

Of course.

But there were some sketches in there that just made me absolutely...

Yeah, there was some good stuff.

Floored me.

There were some really, really good ones.

I found, I felt like as well, that it was just quite nice to watch a sketch show on TV.

It felt like quite cozy as well.

And quite like, oh yeah, you can just watch it on the biggest screen.

And also, I have like the most fond doing it.

It's so nice.

And it was really overwhelming in a good way.

And yeah, I'm glad that there's going to be another series.

It shows that people did watch it.

And that there's going to be a new cast.

And like, I love that.

It's really nice.

Do you love that?

You're not going to be in the next year.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I loved being fired.

Sorry, replaced.

Sorry.

No, I would have liked to have done another one, of course.

But I do respect that you can't...

Like, I think so.

It will be filming next year.

I'll be nearly 40.

You can't say I'm a young up and coming.

And you couldn't really when I filmed it.

Yeah.

But that's how these things work now.

Yeah.

It is really like you...

People are getting discovered.

Or, you know, are discovered.

It's 37, yeah.

It really is.

You know, that people are working for 15 years.

And then might get a little taste of being on TV.

But also, that's a different like being...

Like, there are people who are not on TV,

who are more successful than the people who are on TV now.

Of course.

And that's why I think it's...

I mean, me.

Yeah.

Mainly me.

Of course.

Yeah, I think we're thinking that we're all thinking of me.

Have you seen my...

You've been on Taskmaster.

You don't count.

Have you seen my puppet show that I do every day?

Yes.

People like...

I don't watch it every day.

But I've seen it.

That's the kind of thing you can do once you get to my level.

I can...

Doing that short film that we did with...

Yes.

...with the Wudding-Dummy man.

With the Wudding-Dummy man.

Was the most I've ever laughed at doing anything.

Ever.

Yes, so do check that out there.

You can get that online.

It's with Bill Alzafer.

It's about you coming to meet your boyfriend's father.

Yeah.

Who turns out to be my Ali Sloper, my 134-year-old venture.

Look, it's dummy.

With me, I'm in there, but I'm not there because it's Ali.

And whenever I'm like, that's a puppet.

You both pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was good fun.

But I love doing those things with Bill Alzafer.

They've been sort of crazy.

Well, I knew we've had some...

It's sort of semi.

And Bill Alzafer was pretty semi improvised.

There was a script and then we just missed the random.

It was good fun.

So let...

Well, look, you're...

Ah, in the middle of a big tour, right?

It's called Cloud.

Yes.

Which, again, is doing, like, phenomenally well.

You're selling out everywhere.

That's very nice.

It's very exciting.

It's very good.

That has actually been the nicest.

That's been...

Well, lots of it has been the nicest thing.

But I before Taskmaster would do, when I did live shows,

they would be very scripted and sketchy.

And character, because I felt safe being behind a thing.

And I don't think I thought, well, I mean, I'd still...

I think...

Do comedians often say that they struggle to know why they're funny?

I don't think they're...

They don't really.

No, because it doesn't sound good.

It doesn't sell the shows that they want to promote.

But I think it's quite...

I think it's quite narcissistic to think you're funny.

But also, I struggled with why or what I could do

and why I was funny and what.

And then...

So I would, like, overly right, I think, and overthink stuff.

And then Taskmaster would allow me to relax a little bit.

And I'm now...

I've gone from being...

I used to really enjoy doing live stuff.

But I would get very...

Like a really bad stage fright.

And what's been so lovely about doing clout

and then continuing to do it.

And then continuing to do it.

Is I...

I love it.

Like, I love doing it.

And it's really given me a bit of a boost, I think,

in an area where I was probably going to stop doing that.

Like, I was going to not do live comedy anymore, I think.

And now I'm like, oh, I think that's all I want to do.

Because is it the first thing you've done on your own, though?

Because you usually...

Usually you're doing, like, sketches.

Sketches.

No, so...

Well, I did...

No, I did two solo shows before the pandemic.

And then I did loads of online sketches in the pandemic.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, this...

I don't have to...

I don't throw up every time I press post on online sketch.

This is much nicer.

And they did really well.

And then that's where I think...

I think I was sort of flagging a little bit and floundering.

And I think that helped me a lot.

And then...

And then actually the cloud show is sort of about then trying to do live again.

And being like, I don't...

I've forgotten.

I don't know anything.

This is so overwhelming.

And it was actually quite overwhelming for a while.

But now I've got, like, a command of it.

And I kind of feel really...

I just feel really happy.

Like, I'm really enjoying it.

I can't watch myself back.

Because I'm so thrilled.

I'm like...

I mean, such a nice time on stage.

And the shows have gone really, really well.

And I would never have said...

I've got told...

When I signed with Avalon, I said I would never tour.

Or if I was going to tour, I'd just do 10 shows.

And then I did, like, 37 shows.

And I'm doing another 22 shows.

And then I'm going to do another six shows in autumn.

So it's really lovely to have found out after...

I didn't expect that to come from Taskmaster.

Yeah.

But that's...

You know, it's great the way that that show introduces people to new people.

Yeah.

And the fans of that show do get behind, you know, 80% of the people who are on it.

And then the other 20% they sort of hate themselves.

They're feeling you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it helps us a lot that my live show is very joke-packed.

And I have a very similar sense of humour to Alex Horn.

Yeah.

And I think if you like the silliness of talent,

my show is very silly.

And I'm just committed to being silly in many different ways,

over and over again.

And I think that helps.

Yeah.

And I'm very serious in my show.

Right.

So that's the thing.

It's off-putting to the...

I take it very seriously.

There's no puppetry in Taskmaster and I think that's...

No, but there needs to be.

Yeah.

I did give a...

I put up his store.

One of my original puppets from Fistofun was one of the prizes I put up.

I did win that week.

But they don't.

They don't make you give the stuff away if you don't want to.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have let anyone tell you.

I don't think anyone would have taken that.

That would have been too cruel, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

And most of the prizes in our series were absolutely shit.

They were quite...

Yeah.

Sharp like...

Do they and things like that?

Really, really bad.

Yeah.

And I'm to blame as well.

If you go on Taskmaster, really think hard about the prizes.

That's my advice.

That's the advice I gave to Dara when he said I'm going to be on it.

And I said, just spend a lot of time thinking.

Because I think I just thought,

Oh, well, I'll get this done really quickly.

And they'll be happy with me when I send it in.

And I just very quickly ran my office and said,

Oh, I'll take that, that, that, that, that.

Yeah.

And I didn't think about it until the champion of champions when I thought...

Well, I overthought it.

Yeah, good.

Like, no, it wasn't.

And then also, I had a few things that really only...

Very recently I remembered.

I had some really good ones.

Yeah.

And then the last minute, the lawyers would be like,

Oh, we can't do that because of that.

And then I would have to like come up and scramble with a lesser one.

And then I got crucified on the prize test.

That was what I was like the worst by far.

Yeah.

And a little bit of me was like,

Oh, I don't really got to it.

But you wouldn't let me have it.

And then some of them were me.

And they weren't shit.

Like, really bad.

There was one of mine was the most self-indulgent thing.

And I...

Which one?

Oh, there's a jigsaw of myself that someone had sent me.

I thought that'd be good.

And when you think of the self-indulgent stuff I've done in my life,

and I didn't...

I'd got a fucking Panini album of myself being 40.

Snooker players.

Yeah.

I mean, that self-indulgent.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm not sure it'd come out by the time it does.

But there's loads, you know.

Or just every episode of Stone clearing.

Yes.

Just his...

Here's all my podcasts with me clearing stones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they do.

And that's nice.

They really...

The five people who like it really do.

Um...

Has the news been getting you down?

I'm Megan McCartle, and I'm here to help.

I'm the host of a new show from Washington Post Opinion,

called Reasonably Optimistic.

And it's an antidote to the pessimism

that's riddling America right now.

Every Wednesday I'm going to talk to people

who see a path forward.

It does seem to me that there is some awakening

of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are.

You know, I am a believer in America

and it's worth fighting for.

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube

or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm going to ask you some emergency questions.

I'm going to see if I've got some new ones.

Oh.

I want to try and start.

I was gunnest on the car journey here.

Just right loads new emergency questions.

That can't be bothered.

But I'm going to do it.

So I've written some.

Here's a new one.

What is the worst thing you've done with a cake?

I've...

I've eaten the cake out of a bin.

I've eaten.

Yay!

Big time.

I went to see Bridget Christie the other night

and she has a whole bit about how she's eaten the cake out of a bin.

I feel like great.

But he's in a domestic setting.

Yeah.

I've eaten the cake out of a public bin.

Right.

Someone else's cake.

What?

Sorry.

I mean, is it public?

It was in a student halls.

It wasn't outside.

But it was out.

It was in the communal area of the student halls.

Did you know whose cake it was?

No.

But it was like a birthday cake,

but not like a barely bin.

That would...

I'd be more worried about that.

It's the barely.

It was just one sort of cock-shaped hole in the middle.

Yeah.

Just eight around that.

Eight around that.

But I used to...

When I was a waitress for years and years and years,

and I was really broke,

and it did start out as a bit of a...

Oh, well, if someone sends something back

and they haven't touched it,

but I'll tell you a bit of that.

And then it did become just like,

oh, it's not completely finished as chips.

I mean,

I knew while I gave them to the pot,

and then just like,

in front of people in the kitchen as well,

like, right, that's her thing, then, is it?

But then, when I...

I got...

The Christmas I bought,

my mum and dad's tickets to see Bridget,

and they'd seen her a month or a few weeks before I saw her,

and I messaged my mum being like,

I love to show the bit where she had the cake out of the bin!

And my mum was like,

12 hours later,

just sent me one line,

which is, I've eaten cake out of a bin with Linda Hugglin.

Do you know who that is?

Do you know who that is?

Turns out that was in a public bin,

in a park.

Wow.

So that's why it's genetic.

There's a lot of people eating cake.

How many people are eating cake out of a bin?

Just cheer if you have...

Well, I've got no family in, so no one.

No one.

I don't think I've ever eaten chips.

Chips, yeah.

Very nice, yeah.

You're a seagull.

A seagull in the room.

I've eaten chips out of someone else's hand,

as they're walking down the street.

That's fine.

That's good.

That's my new emergency question.

Hold on, let me see if I've got another one.

I don't know about this one,

because I think this...

I started doing this one,

and then I realised it's a bit...

Yeah, it's a bit dubious,

because I thought it's quite a nice question,

but then I thought it's not.

So I'll tell you the question,

and you're quite...

You're sort of a feminist person,

aren't you think women are equal?

Uh, sometimes.

Yeah.

Um...

Perhaps.

But you know, baby, they are.

It's still...

It's still...

It's still...

The jury is still out on the wall.

100%.

Yeah.

If like Zeus, you could transform into

any animal tab sex with someone,

which animal would you transform into?

Then I just thought...

Well, it's all right, but then I thought...

Well, I thought feminine.

Because Zeus sort of just raped people,

he turned into a swan and then raped me.

He wasn't real.

That's true.

So you can turn into an animal,

and then with their consent,

have sex with them.

Is there an animal you'd like to turn into?

I've asked you before,

which animal you'd like to have sex with,

but what do you think?

I can't remember.

I should have checked that.

But I've never asked you what animal you'd like

to be to have sex with someone else.

I don't think a swan would be that good,

because they're a cloaca-based creature.

Yeah.

So they've all they've got is like a hole

that is their sexual organs and anus.

Which, you know, I don't have that.

I'm into that.

But...

I'm into the combination.

I'm into the consistency of it.

Yeah.

Okay, rather than your intent.

Yeah.

Just having to change.

Yeah.

Having to change.

It's tiring, isn't it?

It's so tiring.

They're just in one place.

You can just get on with...

But it's literally just like that.

It's, you know, there's not...

I suppose that's what a woman is.

Did anyone say...

Or woman, that's what a woman is though, right?

A woman's just got a...

What?

It's a cloaca-based animal.

Yeah.

Is that right?

No.

You've got to switch sometimes.

Sometimes.

Did anyone say swan?

Well, I had...

This is the first time I've asked the question.

Okay, so it's just that you went into swan so...

Well, because she's...

She's turned into a swan now.

Oh, right.

Okay, I don't really know much about this.

No, okay.

But I think...

I think...

So I'm presumably...

I'm having...

I'm...

I'm the penetrator.

Yeah, well, you know...

In this sense.

Do you want to beat this?

That's what you're jumping to?

Yeah, sex with...

And I think I'd like to be...

I think I'd like to be like a sort of...

Like a lady bird.

Okay.

Because I'd like to see how that happens.

Like, does it appear?

I mean, we've been going...

I don't know how a lady bird has sex with a person.

That would be...

So, I think...

I can imagine...

I can imagine a lady bird having sex with another lady bird.

Yeah.

I mean, if you want to have sex with a lady bird,

just do it, you know, that's why...

No, it's...

You're not going to get in trouble.

Even as a vegan, you're not going to get in trouble with that.

I can't...

I had sex with a lady bird and it died.

Yeah.

I didn't need it.

It's fine.

If the lady bird's having sex with a person, it's just flying up the badge, isn't it?

And it's dying.

So, okay, can I change my answer?

Yeah, where's that?

I mean, it could be a giant.

It could be a giant.

You're...

It could literally be anything you're a giant.

You're not going to get sex with an actual animal.

Okay.

Well, now I'm trying...

No, I...

Because now I'm just trying to think of an animal that would...

It would be...

It would be nicest to have sex.

Don't...

There would be the least...

Do the least damage.

Okay.

So, I think, like, a mid-sized bird.

Yeah.

Like a...

Like a seagull.

Like a seagull.

Oh, no.

So, not as big as a seagull.

I've never seen a seagull's penis.

Does it...

Come out like a snake or something?

No.

It's a...

No, it's a...

Another clack.

It's a clack-a-based clack-a-mean sewer.

Okay.

Which is that how I view all sex.

I'm talking...

I think the red one is...

The red one's...

Or a snake and you just use your whole body.

Yeah.

And that's not how snakes are sex.

Let's put it...

What about if you were a full-sized lady bird, a human-sized lady bird?

I think that would be quite scary, though, because I bet if you see all that stuff underneath the lady bird...

It's bad.

...in full...

But it looks like a car.

It looks like a car.

It's, yeah.

It's kind of like an alien, really.

Yeah.

Also, because I don't know what a lady bird's penis is like.

I don't want to upscale at this point.

It's massive.

It's like a lady boy, a lady bird.

That's why it's called the lady bird.

Wow.

Massive car.

Great.

I don't know.

We'll ask...

We'll get an expert on task about that.

Good, so good, too.

Good, emergency questions.

Cake and the red...

The rape one.

Man.

But you're raping.

It's...

It's consensual.

Yeah.

And we know we're devil-rated, very clear.

It's consensual.

Someone would have to agree.

Yeah.

I'm going to turn into a lady.

Giant lady bird.

Would you like to have sex with that?

Yeah, would.

Yeah.

Just to see what happens.

Yeah.

Why not?

Can I come on to something else?

Please.

We're so bad for each other.

It's...

We're so bad.

We are.

We're planning on working together.

Weirdly, this week, they've...

Bilal put up a little clip of a thing that you were involved in as well.

It's called...

He did a series called Wed Murderous Kill.

Yeah.

And then we did improvised little chats with him as serial killers.

And he took like one tiny little bit of the one I did,

which I wanted to turn into.

I think it's a really nice idea about a guy.

He's about a guy who can't get girlfriend.

And he's annoyed seeing all these serial killers getting girlfriends on TV and stuff.

So he decides to kill four people so that he can get a date.

He's a nice guy.

And he accidentally kills some more people than that.

And then no one's really interested.

And so what he does actually is he kills people who are just about to die.

Because he doesn't want to...

That's nice.

So that's...

He's very kind, but accidentally kills 13 people on the last one.

Some of the couple of kids.

So he's...

But he's a nice guy.

But...

Bilal put like a two-second clip of it up.

And it went absolutely viral.

And two million people have watched it.

This guy going, you know, I...

I couldn't get a girlfriend.

I'm a nice guy.

You killed 17 people.

That was before.

And people in America mainly very angry.

You think it's real?

That they think it's real.

Patricia Arquette, the actress.

I mean, this is how good an actor I am.

It's so clearly not real.

Like, you're out of it.

Yeah.

It's clearly not real.

But we're hoping to do something with that with the money that the podcast gives us.

We're hoping to turn it into some kind of film and stuff.

So that'll be nice.

But if you got...

What have you got any other acting stuff in the pipeline once you've...

No.

You're very good.

You're a very good actor.

And you've done what you've been.

You've been in lots of...

Lots of nice things.

I haven't seen it yet because we're starting the beginning.

I haven't seen you in it yet.

But here we go.

You're in which houses are really nice.

Oh, yeah. I've been for like a minute.

Like, yeah.

I do lots of like, yeah, I'll come on for like a day and then go,

what?

And then that's my part.

I leave.

And when I was blonde, I was just going constant like...

Yoga instructor.

Spin class instructor.

And I don't work out.

I don't do it.

And then you're like, we'll put you in this...

In this crop top.

And you've got two lines.

And you've been...

I saw you really hate that.

So that's what I've got.

Prune that.

So I keep you taken seriously.

Unless sports, hopefully.

Yeah.

Does blonde equal sports?

I wouldn't have said so.

No.

But yes.

In the mind of casting directors.

It could be my height, actually.

That's probably what it is.

I mean, I don't think being tall equals...

In the acting world.

Does it?

You have to...

Like, you look like a unit when you're over five two.

Yeah.

Because all of the other actors are like this big.

Actuals are small.

That's tiny.

And so I look so tall.

So I think that's why...

Yeah, all the auditions I get are like...

Like, I think the last one has been like an ex Olympian javelin person.

Right.

A discus thrower.

Right.

There's part of her like fun side hustle.

Like, okay.

And then I dive my hair brown.

And then I've got a Mormon.

Great.

A Mormon.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've got it.

You're not able to do something.

It was funny.

Yes.

Well, you're right on the substance.

I know you've got a sub-stack, and some very funny things on them.

You're right about the kind of audition process on there.

That you're very, very funny thing about that.

But it has massively changed, doesn't it?

In recent years.

I guess post-lockdown as well.

The self-tapes now.

The everything self-tapes now.

Which is nice because you got control over it.

But then the next stage will normally be you go into the room.

And I think I've only done like two in five years

when you go into a room, so it's quite jarring, suddenly, to be like, oh God, right, I don't

get like a million ghosts. I've got to work out the accent before I start talking. But

yeah, it's kind of positive, some negatives of it. I like the thing you said, you know,

they insist on like a full length picture of you, which means you have to move all your

crap out the way in that house. Every time. And then someone messes

being like, just do one at the start of the year, and then just attach that to every

single. It's like, oh my God, I've been like, upending my entire house every time.

Because I've got like, there's no window and there's no natural light. And then you

go really fun every time. So I always start, you've got to say your name and your agent

and your height. And then I always start with, sorry about the background, my stupid

Martin. It's like my dog is like in it. And like, yes, it is a pain. And it, like,

falls, but unless you have like a really fancy studio and loads of money, but I don't have

that. I don't have that. Yeah. What's surely from the ad, all those three ad

books? There's three ad books six years ago. Absolutely. No. You've been working with my

friend and someone I've worked with quite a lot. And who's insane. Do you know I'm

talking about? No. Los Andres. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Los Andres. So tell us about this.

This is on Instagram. Oh, yeah. This is just like because I was quite, I don't want

to put stuff about being vegan or vegan things on my Instagram, because it's boring and

not for everyone. And fun. But Lou does a lot of that stuff as well. And so we've, we've

created like a little Instagram thing called vegans in your regions. And Lou, Lou initially

wanted to call it too hot vegans in your regions. It's like, no. And so we just basically

just post loads of stupid stuff there. Like the thing that's, I mean, you'll spend like

obviously a day editing something, me reviewing cheeses or whatever. And then the next day

Lou will go to review a cheese, set her phone on fire and it'll get a million views.

So it's difficult to, but we're just trying to kind of have fun rather than it like it's

not, like I dropped like 60 quid on chocolate spreads the other week. Like we're not making

money from it. But it's nice to just do something for a laugh rather than worry about like

also as well, worry about the algorithm and how many likes he getting. And it's nice

to get some the other day, Lou put one up and then phone to me and was like, no, everyone

hates Lou reviewing blue cheeses. I think we need to not care about that. And then, but

like, yeah, it's nice to kind of just have fun. I got two million views on my last one

on Instagram. The thing we just talked about. Yes, of course. It does mean that if I go

to America, I'll be killed because people will think I'm a serial killer. But you know,

we didn't make any money out of it. It wasn't worth it. I don't think any views went up

on the actual thing that we were making. I like, I mean, Lou is, you know, is like lightning

in a bottle that she's just like, she just is. And then you sort of have to harness her.

Like she's so, I hate, I hate myself saying this, but she's so authentically her. Yes.

And but yeah, but the best stuff is, yeah, her saying fighter herself, her falling over.

Like we, we, we, we got sent this really lovely vegan version of a Toblerone. And she kept

saying Instagram stories. And I was just like, can you just do one saying, like, we love

this Toblerone. And she'd be like, we love this Toblerone. No harm done one up the bomb

and she's kept saying that. It's like, can you do one that they can repose and she'd be

like, sorry, yes. And now I've got to do one that we can really repose. Love the Toblerone

up my ass. I just, which is perfect and really fun and silly.

There's one way she's skiing. I think she's a way on the, oh, isn't me. Yeah.

Yeah, she puts me back saying, I'm allergic to dairy. That's why I am vegan. But I was vegetarian

and then I realized I was allergic to dairy too late, actually. And so she, we got sent

this really nice, like vegan chocolate from this place called Maison du Chocolat. It's

amazing. And she ate all of it. So I didn't get to try any of it. And then bought some for

me, really kindly was going on about it. It cost a 30 quid in life. And it arrived and

I ate all of them. And then was just vomiting all day because she'd bought the non-vegan

version of the words. And then I was like, okay. And then we, and then she did a, a

apology video while she was like skiing, which I didn't know she was doing, because she

lives quite close to me. So I was like, and you're a mountain. And then got into a fight

with someone who's commenting. It was, yeah. But that's sort of what it's like. We're

sort of incompetent vegans in your region. Oh, yes. We did one video that we thought

we'll use this and maybe it could be like a pilot for a TV thing or something. And

in the video, we were going to go to Margate and we were going to try and find vegan fish

and chips. And losing charge of research. And we got there and one of them wasn't open.

One of them cried in the me oil oil. And then there was no other vegan fish and chips.

They just went to another place and just went to Ramsgate. It's like that's an entire

point of video. It was completely pointless. And that's the source of level. Yeah. We're

going to brighten to look at good vegan ice creams. I've just done it. I mean, there's definitely

vegan stuff in there. Oh, there's so many. It's hard to find anything with animal products

and in bright at all. Yeah, even the animals at vegan. That's it. Yeah. If you catch a

Seagull and eat it, you'll find out it's made of tofu. This is in my research. You can

see how much I've researched this. It's very impressive, isn't it? Yeah. I came across

a video that said Andrew Collins interviewing Stevie Martin. And I thought, fucking hell, I

couldn't realize. So I used to do a double act podcast with Andrew Collins. Oh, yeah.

The journalist. I thought I don't remember ever seeing him interviewing Stevie Martin.

And you don't remember either, do you? No. Because when I went to look at it, it was actually

two men in Brighton, one who's good Andrew Collins. There's good Stevie Martin. And he's

a local author and just talking about it. Yeah. This is interesting. Because so, Brighton is

the issue with the next tour, the next leg of the tour that I'm signing next week. Because

when I did my first show in Brighton, it was lovely. And then we put the second show on.

And they typoed it as Steve Martin. And it sold out in like 30 seconds. Obviously.

And then I thought, well, that's quiet. And then because of like, I think it was ticket

master that typoed it. And then because there's no people involved in this, it just got pulled

out to loads of other ticketing websites. And Steve Martin, they used Steve Martin's picture

to Steve Martin's face. And then there was one website that was saying me and him were doing

a double act. There's one saying he was supporting me. Which is correct. And then I went on

his, he is, in March, actually, at the moment, he's on tour with Martin Shores.

Right. He's doing like, obviously, arenas in America. And I went on his website, his

official website, to screenshot it. And I was going to put my, like, Brighton day, like

in the middle and just do some content. And it went there. And my Brighton show was on

Steve Martin's website. And it took three months to get it taken down. So I'm going to have

that gig. No, it's next week or the week after. I'm not going to have a nice time. It's

going to be awful. Just put an arrow through your head and do some juggling. Play the banjo.

Yeah, but it probably won't notice. It was a terrifying thing to see. I thought, well,

Andrew Collins is like, there's two quite old men. I thought Andrew Collins and Steve

Martin have both let themselves go. Yeah. But it's, it's a, it's a, you know, I was trying

to get Steve Martin to come to Steve Martin. Steve Martin. Steve Martin. Come on, he

can start. Yeah. Oh, I thought this was Steve Martin. And then I thought it was Steve

Martin. And no, it's this Steve Martin. Everyone's just angry in the audience. If you get all

three of you together, that will be amazing. I'm never getting Steve Martin. I reckon

you can get Steve Martin. I'm 100% sure I could get Steve Martin. And Andrew Collins.

I think you could definitely get that. I've got connections. You get in touch with

him. I'll get you Andrew Collins. And I'll get, I'll get in touch with the other Andrew

Collins. Yeah. I might do a double act with the other Andrew Collins. And I'll do it

with the Steve Martin. It was upsetting. It was like I'd slipped into an old, an

alternate universe. That's very, very upset about it. You, and I look, one of your interviews

and this is because you're all quite young compared to me. Okay. Not compared to someone

much younger than you. You're young. You're young. But you said one of your favourite

shows is Police Squad. Oh, yeah. But how do you know that Police Squad? Because even like

it's sort of from my era, Police Squad. Right. And it is the best. It's the best. It's

the best series I've ever seen. Yeah. I couldn't believe how good it was. My partner's older.

Okay. How old are you? I'm 58. 58. No, he's 52. But like he, he owns it online. I don't

know if I can blu-ray or whatever. Probably video. He's probably video. And he put it on,

he was doing lockdown. He's like, I don't, he couldn't believe I hadn't seen it. I was

like that that happens a lot. And then I could not fathom how good it is. It's so fucking

funny. There's a joke every 10 seconds and five in the deep background. It's my ideal

thing. And like I'm constantly writing things like that. And then everyone's saying like

that's too much money. But like because it requires so much money to do that amount of

jokes. Like it's not just verbal jokes. You've got prop jokes. You've got like, it's like

what is it? It's not an airplane. Where? What's what's the film? There's of that area.

Well, it's a naked gun. Where there's the joke where the massive ship just comes into

the science lab. And it's a gigantic ship. And it's based on a pun. It's like, and it's

five seconds. That's it. Full ship comes in. That's why I want to make it. I don't just

don't like it. It's a secret. But it's a secret. Yeah. But it's, but police squad is what

became naked gun. And naked gun is not as good as police squad. Yeah, because I saw naked

gun the same type of airplanes, my favorite film. And I saw that at the same time. And I

remember just being like, it's good, but it's not as good as airplane. Like I've not found

anything that has hit the heights of it. I mean, there's lots of things that I enjoy

for different reasons. But for that particular type of humor, I've not seen anything as good

as airplane. I've seen things like it. But police squad was that. Police squad taken off

after six episodes. I know. That makes it perfect. Yeah. There's any six episodes. And

I don't know, five minutes long got something. It's great. Anyway, Duke, if you haven't

checked out, who's seen police squad? Yeah, good. They're very old, my audience. Who's,

who drinks got about five minutes left to live? Yeah. Checks out. I'm like YouTube. It's

almost illegally put them on YouTube. I mean, they must be up there. It is, it's, it's,

it's, well, it's where it's the, the best joke in the world ever comes from it was who are

you and how'd you get in here? I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith. That's the best joke

of all time. That means better in context. Well, it's still good. Yeah. Really. That's,

that's where you are. So the level of the joke writing is that good. Yeah. And then it

is all these other stupid visual jokes. Yeah. And I saw another interview you talking about

your foot to P. Do you see found that your foot to P. Do you score? Wicky foot. Yeah. Is

that what it's called? I think it's, yeah, I called it foot to P. Do a lot. And then

the foot people were quite angry. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a seven on foot on wicky foot.

Um, yeah, I haven't, I sort of tried to look at that in like a fun way and then just got

quite like freaked. Yeah. I mean, it's like people being turned on by you and spitting

raisins. Yeah. Yeah. I know you will. It's just weird. It's just weird. You're aware

that that stuff will happen. I think it's, I think the foot people are actually the most

respectful fetish people because they don't really get in touch really ever. Yeah. But

they just quietly talk about the feet. So when I went on it, is that good? Yeah. It's

not affecting me. Yeah. It's not like coming, but like there's a lot of people like pay

pigs. Have you heard of this? No. I've been getting a lot of pay pig stuff. Someone told

me what it was. Um, and I couldn't know what was happening. And it's where people just

message you and they're like, uh, I'll do some tasks around the house for you. If, and

then will you fuck me? You're like, okay, or they'll be like, uh, I saw you wearing a leather

jacket. Can I buy it? And we have to have worn it or whatever. And I tried to do that.

I did follow that. And then they kind of, you kind of freaked out and don't want to

do it. And then I felt bad like I'd let him down. But, um, but there is like a lot of

that. And the people don't tend to do that. They don't tend to message you. So they're

just, but I think I, I felt weird reading it. And then was like, Oh, I have come into

their house. Oh, that's maybe I could have used that. I have come into that. And I, and

so then they're fine to talk about that as long as they're not bringing it to me. But

also I've got fucking weird feet though. Like I've got, I've got, but eight. Well,

you got the same size feet as me. Okay. And my wife as well. So we should hang out.

We can shed shoes. Yeah. So I've got the smallish feet for a man, I suppose. Right.

You know what they say? Small, oh no, don't worry about it. Yeah. Um, I'm not one massive

ball. I've got. How can I forget? I actually do. I was my balls grown another ball on

it's a love story. Um, it's not fit for the podcast. I don't really like to talk about

that whole subject. Um, but my, I've got horrible feet and they were, I did get them out

in, um, Taskmaster Champion of Champions. And I, and I don't, I've never not looked

up to see if I've got a rating. But I remember, and I might have falsely remembered this.

I don't think it comes out on the program when my feet appear on the screen. The audience

went, Oh, and they are really horrible. I mean, my wife is furious about my feet. Hey,

I picked my feet a little bit, which she does not like. That's not great. So that was

the start of it. But now, like, I've got like a fungal nail infection. That nails cracked.

My feet, my toenails are so thick, I've had to buy a special toenail clipper because I

cannot, scissors don't go through an a toenail. It's like an animal. It's, it's, it's

honestly like a body. It's like a herb for something. It's turning into, but your whole

foot. I said, this was years ago. I said this to Catherine Ryan. The day she came on,

I'd stepped on a drawing pin and the, my, my feet are so thick, I didn't notice that

snapped on it. The skin is. Wow. It's like you die. You start dying from that way. And

it just, like that foot. And so I quite would like to go on just to see if I can discuss.

There'll be some footfishes, person. Yeah, you're not. You're like, no, I don't like

it. There's just people like fungal feet. Yeah. So there'll be some, there'll be some

of them who do. Yeah. I refuse to go to a Sharapadis. My wife bought me two or three.

I think two Christmas isn't a row. She bought me like one of those sanders you can get for

your feet to take. Well, I get like a thunderstorm. It's like, no, it's like, it's like an

electrical thing. We took it on John and Lucy's perfect couples and they lost them all because

of we made a joke about the, you know, the, the weirdest gift to get it once is insulting.

But then she bought me again the next year because I didn't use to want me to. Because I didn't

use the first one. But it's like, it's like a, you know, it's like got sandpaper on it.

And you can take your, you can take the skin off. If you didn't think why you, you, you smother

your feet in a sort of alcohol based solution and then your skin just sort of shed like a snake.

I did that once. Yeah, it was quite good. But I think I've got, I think I've got more normal

feet than you. But you should try it. I might try it. There's, you can have fish eat your

feet as well. Can't, you've seen that. Yeah, I don't want to do that. Yeah. You should do that.

I might do that. Yeah, just see if anyone's into, I'm pretty, you know, you can make money.

Some, cause he was one of the, is it, one of the singers makes money selling out but pictures

of her feet, isn't he? Not pulling my faith. Yeah, isn't pulling my faith in that. She did

only fans. I didn't show you. It's like, do you know, is it just Tom? Yeah, it was the

other day that she went for her. Great. Great. If anyone wants pictures of really disgusting

feet, they're going to cost it. It's going to cost you. But I'm happy to do it and I don't

mind what you can wank over the picture over the pictures. Are you, are you wank over my feet

if it's, if you're paying off, if it's literally, if it's lit, yeah, I'll come to your house.

Just do that. I'll put my foot through the door. I don't want to see it.

But you'll feel it. And actually that might, might help,

money. A little bit of onion on there. Won't rub it in.

Well, moisturiser. Okay. Yeah. Moisturiser. Love length.

It's been really nice. It's been really nice.

It's been really nice. I love you, Stevie. You're the best.

I love having you always. So you're very demure and sensible woman.

Thank you. And I love improvising, disgusting stuff for the more than anything.

So let me have a look. I'm going to ask something. I'm going to ask you,

I'm going to ask you another emergency question. I just want to check. I've got everything.

I love doing that audio back in the way. That was really fun.

Your emergency question. Yes, that was fun. And also you do the, I should mention this.

You do the audio book for Kate is my wife. Oh my god. Yeah. I do.

You've just done her new one. Yeah. So she's, she's very, she's,

tender love. Oh, good. My daughter listens to, didn't read those books, but when you were

listened to, when you were reading them, she listened to, because she loves, she loves,

she especially loved that series of taskmasters. So she met Fati and she was very,

very excited about meeting her. So you must come meet her at some point.

I'll ask you some emergency questions. These are available after the show. If you want to play

at home. Thank you. There was one, there was such a weird one that I've been going through doing

this as a bonus thing for people, subscribers where I answer all the questions. Allie,

my puppet asked them and I answered, there was such a weird one. I meant to find it.

I'm going to get David Mitchell's on the couple of weeks. Your friends. I'm going to find

that one. I'm not in the fucking series. I don't know what this one is because I don't

do, look at the, but I don't even know what this one is, right? Because we're going to see where

this goes. I like the way it starts. Would you rather have an immortal goose that laid one golden

egg every 50 years and you didn't know when it laid its last golden egg and it never laid normal

eggs? Oh, my God. Okay. Or a mortar goose that would lay a regular egg. This is no good for you,

because you don't eat eggs. I can eat an egg if I'm eating it. Oh, can you fuck it? All right, great.

You're that kind of vegan. Yeah. Or a mortar goose that would lay a regular egg every day

guaranteed, but due to goose illnesses and short lifespan might die at any time, but also might

live for however long an old goose lives. The envy, the upkeep of both geese is the same and cost less

than the price of a goose egg per day. So what I'm saying is would you rather have a goose egg every

day or the chance of getting a solid gold goose egg every 50 in within the next 50 years? Oh, yeah,

that one. Yeah. Yeah, why not? You're going to look after the goose. I don't mind that. I like looking

at animals. I think that's fine. All right. I think I'll bond with them. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's

more about the question than the answer I feel. I think it was a monologue. Yeah, this is good. All right,

this is good for you because this is this you might even do this and you and Luke could do this.

If you have to create a line of food like Barry Norman Pickled onions or Paul Newman salad dressing,

yep, that Stevie Martin's not that one. It would have to be. Oh, yeah.

What would what food do you think would be would have your face stuck on it?

Say orange. It's not really a sort of branded item. I would buy a Stevie Martin orange. Yeah,

that should be fatties because on Tasmus she did a carable what the fucking price was,

but it was an orange with the word audacity on it. I didn't really relate to anything that was

asked of her. I think that's a good idea to have it. Orange is and you sort of, you know, like,

you know, yes, a brand of someone's face into it and then you go, what kind of orange you eating?

I mean, you're Steven. You're Steve Martin. Orange. Yeah, I think I'll do that. Yeah, it's good.

I like it. I like it. Right. A range of oranges. I'm going to see if there's another one. Oh,

this is this is this is one. I've started asking who is the biggest celebrity who has come to see

your show. Oh, I never get any celebrity's come to see me. I tell you what I found out. This is

my exciting news while you're thinking about your answer to this question. I'm doing a very

small production of educating Rita in Hitchin because it's the theatre is literally 90 seconds

from my house. Oh, great. So I feel like I can do it in a very short run and the actress is playing

Rita knows Willie Russell, the writer of educating Rita and sent him a message and he listens to

this podcast. No way. His son likes podcasts and made him. Now he's and he said, I'm nervous about

two comedians doing this play and you go, you fucking idiot. Willie Russell, you're Willie Russell.

We're nervous about doing this play from in it weird to by doing a play that that's classic and

the person is like doing Shakespeare and William Shakespeare. Then you were text messages. That's

wild. It's really weird. Anyway, there you go. I went to a barbecue when I was six and Willie

Russell was at the barbecue. I wasn't. Yeah, it was the guy who fixed my dad's cars.

Oh, it's a different Willie Russell. No, no, I was in English friends with actual Willie

Russell. I don't remember and at the time did no Willie Russell was. I make the most of my

opportunity at six. We're both missed out. Yeah, both missed out. You're listening Willie. I'm sorry.

He is listening. He loves the shot. He thinks it's amazing. Yeah. I'm going to do it well now. Yeah.

Anyway, I was going to do it badly and I've got to do it well. Have you thought of celebrities

come to your show yet? Yeah, I have not had loads. Well, when I was in a sketch group,

throwing out consent game. No way. Yeah. You could have ended up marrying him. I don't think so.

He was, that was, he was trawling looking for. Was he? I don't know. He was, he was out. I think

I was like 25. That's fine to row and he doesn't mind about that. He doesn't care. I'm

not saying anything. Yeah, I don't think he can top that. No, that's pretty good. I mean,

I'm sure you can, but I don't think I can top that. Richard Osman came to my Edinburgh thing

and his son, who's taller than him. No. Yeah. This is wild. And I just remember thinking,

that's true. The tallest people I've ever seen. That's like Richard Osman. And it was.

Yeah. Actually, Gryffrey Shones, who was in, not, and I can't use with, right? And I said,

I hardly had anyone famous to come to him. When I did a show called, did a play called

Punx Not Dead and Gryffrey Shones, and it was a very small little theater room in Edinburgh.

And he was sitting in the front row. And in that show, there was a line where I said,

we're somewhere at Paul Putt and I came in dressed as like a comedy punk. And I said,

you look like a Mel Smith punk, which was the, in his double act. And Gryffrey Shones after

it said, I'll tell, I'll tell Mel about that. And it wasn't fair. I've seen, I've seen

subsequently watched their punk stuff. And then they weren't. They did good representations

of punks. Great. So I feel very bad. It's too late to tell. It's too late to tell Mel Smith,

I'm sorry. Oh, I don't know who Mel Smith is. I don't actually get booed for not knowing

who Mel Smith is. Yeah. That show business, guys, that's it. There's no point in becoming super successful.

This is it. And I didn't go, yeah. Yeah. I tell you, that man, it was a man who loved cocaine.

That's who Mel Smith is. And that's why he's not alive anymore. He must personally loved cocaine.

No, I mean, I think, I think he loved cocaine. I heard stories of people going to meetings.

We might have to take this out. He's dead, so it's fine. Let's just say it was only Mel.

And there was like a mountain of cocaine on the table at the production company.

That's really exciting. Yeah. I've never seen any of that. Do you like cocaine? Do you like cocaine?

I've only done two, I've done two cocaine. I've done coffee. I've maybe done three.

That's good. And I've had coffee. I can't have coffee, because I'm so kind of big.

Yeah, coffee's not as impressive as cocaine. No, no, no, no, sorry. I have a coffee every day.

No, I know, but that's as in, so when I, it's not good to be, I've just become more like this.

It's not nice for people to be around. And also apparently, when I did it once,

apparently I just went round and like, rather than talking about myself, I was just asking people,

loads of questions about themselves to the exact opposite. You interview a lot when you're

like, that's how I got into this. Comedians are the last fucking people in the world to give

cocaine to. That is all I was saying. They don't need so many people being awful on it, but I just

wouldn't want to. Don't take drugs. It's illegal. If you want, I know there's a lot of young

listen see if you want to be like me, please only take two cocaine and then stop.

There's a bit more, I wish. Watch out.

Wrap it up there. Go and see you in clout. There's still some tickets. There's still some shows

that is mainly sold out. There's still, there's like, it fell fast.

They'll fast. At Canterbury and Glasgow, probably. Yeah, and there's, it goes on into the

awesome Stevie Martin dot co.uk.com. I'm American now. I'm American. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up. The amazing Stevie Martin! Come back next week. What is some art?

You have been listening to Rahul Astabur with me Richard Herring and my guest, Stevie Martin,

not that one. Thank you to scant from guard for providing the music. I'm in debt. Of course,

Chris Evans, not that one and Ben Evans, not that one. Thank you also to Grundy Lazimba.

My fantastic tool manager for this show. Also, everyone at the Essex podcast festival and the

Challenge the Theatre and all the audience, the Challenge the People, who I love in spite of

everything I said in this show. This is a Skype take. If I don't go, I post a strike.com production.

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCartle and I'm here to help.

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