Rick Warren - Biblical Advice on How To Resolve Conflict & Restore Relationships

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1:05It is the skill of resolving conflict. You know, as your pastor for over 30 years, as I look back over all of the people, individuals and couples that I've canceled over the years, without a doubt, the number one thing I've spent much of my life doing is helping people negotiate conflict. Conflict at work. Conflict with your spouse. Conflict with your kids. Conflict with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Conflict in the community. Because the world is broken, there is conflict everywhere. National conflicts, political conflicts that leave the nation in a mess. Economic conflicts, relational conflicts, sexual conflicts. There's conflict in every area and every segment of society. So one of the most important skills you have to learn is how to resolve conflict.

2:09It is essential to your happiness. If you don't know how to resolve conflict, you walk around carrying conflict most of your life, which leaves you miserable. You can be wealthy, you can be attracted, you can be successful, you can be talented. And if your relationship sucks, you're a mess. If your relationships aren't good, if you're carrying conflict and you don't know how to deal with it, that relative, that in-law, that friend, that boss, then you don't know how to be happy because it just sucks the life right out of you. You can have all those things, but if your relationships are a mess, you're not very happy. Now, your parents sure didn't teach you conflict resolution because they didn't know how to do it. And when you went to school, grade school, junior high, high school, you didn't get a single class on conflict management, although it is one of the number one skills you got to learn in life.

3:10And when you went to college, you didn't have a course on conflict management. So today, it's not too late, I'm going to teach you about a resolve conflict. Now, I hope you're not in conflict right now. I mean, really, as your pastor, my prayer is that things are going pretty good for you right now, but you're going to need this someday. So of all weekends, this is the day to take notes. Because one day, you're going to go, where are those notes? What did Pastor Rick say about how do you resolve a conflict with so-and-so? You're going to need this. It's not my opinion. It's what God says to do. Now, the thing that I love about the Bible is just so honest. And God recognizes that we're going to have conflict in our lives because the world is burning. At QVC, fall shopping is more than just checking out. It's discovering the brands you love across beauty, fashion, home, and culinary, all in one place.

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5:13Broken. In Romans chapter 12, verse 17 and 18, it says this. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. In other words, people push your buttons, don't push their buttons back. People attack you, you don't attack back. As much as possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone. Now I am so glad that God just didn't leave out the first two parts and just say, live in peace with everyone. God gives you two caveats. He says, as much as possible, as far as it depends on you, what does God say here? God says, I recognize that some people you can't live at peace with. And really, it's not your fault. And no matter how you try to appease, please, control, support, whatever, they are just at a well that cannot be filled up.

6:16Their emotional needs are so great, no matter what you do, you can't please them. Ever met anybody like that? Yeah, don't look at them. Okay, be cool. But you've met people like that who no matter what you do, they are just unpleasable. And even God recognizes that some people you just can't live at peace with. You don't want conflict, you don't want war, you don't want arguments, but it happens as much as possible. Sometimes it's not possible. As far as it depends on you, you can't control somebody else's reaction. So he says, all you control is you. As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Now, why does God want us to live at peace with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating reactions in your life. These damaging results, write them down. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this because I want to look at the cure more than the cause.

7:17But the damage that unresolved conflict does is three things. Number one, it blocks my fellowship with God. When I'm out of whack with you, I can't be in harmony with God. When I'm distracted, when I'm in conflict with other people, I cannot have a clear connection to God. Did you know that? The Bible says this over and over and over. First John chapter four, it says, the person who says, I love God hates his neighbor as a liar. It's real clear. In fact, the Bible says, you cannot love God and not love your neighbor as your sub. You cannot be in harmony with God and out of harmony with the people in your life. It's impossible. The Bible says, love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. So every time I get in conflict with somebody, guess what? My fellowship with God is blocked. That's reason enough to learn conflict management. Because I don't want you, a crazy maker, keeping me from having a relationship with God.

8:17The Bible says this over and over. It blocks my fellowship with God. Number two, it hinders my prayers. It prevents answered prayer. Did you know that? Over and over again in Scripture, the Bible says that when I have conflict and when there's sin and when there's disarmony in my life, it blocks my prayers. It hinders my prayers. It's Father's Day weekend. Let's just get real specific. Over in the book of 1 Peter, you know what it says? It says, husbands, treat your wife with respect. Treat your wife with respect. And deal with her with intelligence, with wisdom, with knowledge, with understanding. Be sympathetic with her. Because if you don't do that, you can forget about praying. It says clearly that your prayers will not be hindered. So the first Peter 5 says, you mean, wait a minute. When I'm in a conflict with my wife and I'm out of whack with her, then God isn't hearing my prayers. That's exactly what the Bible says.

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10:22So I can't have as many of us as done have an argument in the car coming to church, and come inside, go praise the Lord. God says, that ain't happening. No way, you're out of whack with your wife, you're out of whack with me. You're in disharmoning conflict with other people. God says, then you're in disharmoning conflict with me, because God is love. Number three, it hinders my happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict at the same time. When conflict comes in the front door, happiness goes out the back door in your line. So let's look today. I'm going to teach you the seven biblical steps to resolving conflict. The first step in resolving conflict, a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a spouse, a boss. Number one, take the initiative. That's the step, starting point.

11:23You take the initiative. You don't wait for them to come to you, you go to them. You be the peacemaker. Now, he's saying, don't ignore the conflict. Don't deny the conflict. Don't push the conflict under the carpet. Don't pretend that the conflict doesn't exist in your marriage. What's the, what pink elephant in our living room? I don't see any pink elephant in our living room. Let me ask you, what are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? Sex. Money. Trust. Enloss family. Children. Communication. Values. Work schedule. What are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? The Bible says you take...

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13:36But hurry, it's only for a limited time, and only it's subway. After participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii, and on third party delivery, add on taxes and fees for delivery additional. The initiative. Now, friends... When I first married Kay, I was terrible at this. Terrible at this. There was a player in the movie and in the play and in the book Oliver Twist, and his name is The Artful Dodger. That was me. That position was based on me. I knew how Kay would come at me with an issue, and I dodged it. And I was pretty artful at it. And she'd get another issue, and I dodged it. I was not going to get drawn in to conflict. And she would do everything she could to get me to work on situations, and I would just dodge it. But conflict is never resolved accidentally. People, have you ever heard the expression, time heals everything? That's a bunch of baloney. Time heals nothing.

14:37I mean, if time heals everything, you could go to the doctor and just sit in the waiting room and you'd be healed. Okay? You wouldn't even need to see the doctor. You just time heals everything. Time heals actually makes things worse. When you got an open wound, you don't deal with it. It festers. It can turn into gangrene. It can take your arm. It can take your life. Time heals nothing. Actually, problems get worse when you ignore them. And what is anger turns the resentment. And what is resentment turns the bitterness. And we've all met elderly people, 70, 80, 90 years old, who've turned into very bitter people. Because they never dealt with a conflict 50 years earlier, and they've missed 50 years of happiness. So, take the initiative. The conflict is not going to resolve itself. You've got to intentionally deal with it. Now, I want you to write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. I'm sorry, but the only way to resolve it is to face it.

15:38We don't like that. And in order to face it, you're going to have to deal with three different things. You're going to have to deal with your fears of conflict. You're going to have to deal with how to set up the meeting. And you're going to have to deal with what to do. If you've got any conflict in your life with somebody at work, and you talk to everybody but them about the problem. That's the problem. As you talk to everybody else about the problem, except the person who is the problem. And the thing you're going to have to deal with first of all is your fear of conflict. People say, I don't want to do conflict. I don't want to deal with conflict. I'm scared. Well, welcome to the human race. Nobody likes conflict. Nobody except crazy makers. They like it. If you like conflict, you're a crazy maker. Nobody really likes conflict, but we have to do it. And so, we're afraid of it. Congratulations, you're normal. I have seen grown men fumble this issue.

16:39I've seen guys, Marines, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, who have faced incredibly dangerous situations. And not afraid to lay it on the line having enormous courage on the battlefield, melt and turn into a pool of jello with one phrase from their wife. We need to talk, honey. There is no phrase that puts the fear of God in the men more than that phrase. We need to talk, honey. Oh, no. Just kill me right now. Right now at Subway, try the 499 sub of the day. Get a different 6-inch sub every day for just 499 each, like Meatball Marinera on Mondays, tuna on Tuesdays, and the BMT on Saturdays. It's a different 6-inch sub every day, packed with protein and your choice of chopped veggies for just 499 each. Or make it a meal with chips and a drink for just $2 more. But hurry, it's only for a limited time, and only its subway. After participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington,

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18:40and on third party delivery, add-ons, taxes, and fees for delivery additional. Now, the fear of conflict is as old as Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve messed up. They blew it in the Garden of Eden, and their relationship with God was broken. And then it broke their relationship with each other. And so they'd go out and they're hiding after they have sinned, and they don't want to get near God, because they don't want to face the reality of the conflict. And Adam, in Genesis chapter 3, verse 10 says this, Adam said to God, I heard you in the Garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and so I hid. And some at naked, he said, I was exposed. I was vulnerable. You can see everything about me. And I was afraid, so I hid. And men have been hiding from God ever since. And men and women have been hiding from each other. We hide in her own. The first thing they did is they covered up.

19:41Why? Because when there's conflict, you want to cover up. See, the fear of conflict is really the fear of being exposed. The fear of your emotions. It's the fear of being vulnerable. And when I have the fear of dealing with emotions, then this fear creates three problems in my relationship. It makes me defensive. It makes me distant, and it makes me demanding. It makes me defensive. I want to hide. When we're in conflict, I want to hide. I want to withdraw. I want to isolate. I want to pull back. I don't want to be close to you. That ruins the relationship. It makes me defensive. It makes me defensive. I start defending myself. I start attacking you. I start having all kinds of excuses. I don't want to reveal my true self. I want to cover up because I'm naked. I'm vulnerable. I'm exposed. And I become demanding. I want to have the last word. I want to control the situation. You see, it is fear that keeps you from connecting at the deepest level with those you love the most.

20:43Most people have never had deep soul intimacy with another person. I'm not talking about sex. I'm not talking about something deeper than that. Sold to soul intimacy. And the reason why is fear. You don't really fear conflict. You fear the emotions of it. And you fear rejection. And you fear being misunderstood. And you fear that what you say will be used against you. So you don't want to be vulnerable. That's what you fear. It was a book that came out many, many years ago called, why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Great question. And the answer to that question is, the reason I'm afraid to tell you who I really am, is because I'm all I've got. And if I tell you what I really am, and I reveal my true self, including the downside, including the weaknesses, you may not like me. And I'm all I've got. And the reason I'm afraid to tell you I am, and I wear a mask, and I pretend,

21:43and ignore conflict. And all of those things is because I'm afraid that you might not accept me. And if you don't like who I am, and I'm all I've got, and I'm not the creek without a cattle. So I'm just going to wear a mask. Thank you very much. Where do you find the courage to take this first step? Because that's what you need. Only courageous people resolve conflict. Only. Cowards never resolve conflict. They walk away from it. And the first thing you can do is to face the first man. Maybe the most courageous, manly thing you can do is man up. And face an issue that you've been ignoring for a long time in your marriage, or with your kids, or with your employees, or your boss, or whoever. Man up, be a man, have courage, and face the fear. Where do you find the courage to face it? You get it from God. The Bible says here on the screen, God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,

22:44but a spirit of power and love and self-esteem. That means if I let God's spirit fill my life, I'm going to be filled, not with fear and timidity, but I'm going to be filled with power and with love and with self-discipline. Now, that middle one love is the... Right now at Subway, try the 499 sub of the day. Get a different six-inch sub every day for just 499 each, like Meatball, Marinera on Mondays. Tuna on Tuesdays, and the BMT on Saturdays. It's a different six-inch sub every day, packed with protein and your choice of chopped veggies for just 499 each, or make it a meal with chips and a drink for just $2 more. But hurry, it's only for a limited time, and only its subway. After participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii, and on third-party delivery, add-ons, taxes, and fees for delivery additional. Meat, the Red Bull Dragonberry Emergized. It's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so...fire? Try them all only at McDonald's.

23:45Right now at Subway, try the 499 sub of the day. Get a different six-inch sub every day for just 499 each, like Meatball, Marinera on Mondays. Tuna on Tuesdays, and the BMT on Saturdays. It's a different six-inch sub every day, packed with protein and your choice of chopped veggies for just 499 each, or make it a meal with chips and a drink for just $2 more. But hurry, it's only for a limited time, and only its subway. After participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii, and on third-party delivery, add-ons, taxes, and fees for delivery additional. Important, because love overcomes fear. The Bible says perfect love casts out all fear. When you're watching the Nightly News, and you see somebody run into a burning building, you go, how in the world they have the courage to do that? A few minutes later, they come running out with a baby, or a little child, or a pet. What caused them to overcome their fear of dying? The love for that person, or pet? When your love is greater than your fear, you'll do things you're afraid to do.

24:45That's called courage. And when you are filled with God's love, the Bible says God is love. When you're filled with God's spirit, and God's spirit is love. When God's spirit fills you, and you're filled with love for that person who's irritating you, or that person you're in conflict with, then you're going to have the courage to move ahead. So you need to pray, God, I'm scared to death, fill me with your love. You already know who you need to deal with right now. I'm already talking about it, and you already know in your mind. I haven't reconciled with that person. I'm out of sorts with that person. I haven't dealt with this issue. You need to say, God, fill me with your love. Give me that courage that comes from love. You pray about it. What I'm saying is you talk to God before you talk to them. And you certainly talk to them before you talk to anybody else. You talk to anybody else about something you got to promise? That's called gossip. Now, the first thing you have to do is deal with your fear, or you're never going to take the initiative. The second thing you're going to have to deal with is you're going to have to deal with the timing.

25:46Timing is everything in conflict resolution. You've got to do it at the right time. Now you say, okay, fine. When they're ready and they come to me, I'll deal with it. No, that's a cop out. You take the initiative. Would you write this down? It's always my move. It's always my move in conflict management, conflict resolution. God expects you to take the first step. That's called being a peacemaker. Now, Jesus talks about this in the sermon on the Mount. And in Matthew chapter 5, verse 22 and 23, he teaches this principle of take the initiative. It's the first key conflict management. He says in Matthew 5, 23, if you're standing before the altar and the temple, now what's he talking about here? You're at worship. That's what you're doing right now. If you're standing before the altar and the temple, okay?

26:47If you go to church to go to worship and you're given an offering to God and you suddenly remember that somebody has something against you. No, it's not. You've got a problem. They've got a problem with you. So either way, you take the initiative. You remember that somebody has something against you. You leave your offering. Leave your offering there beside the altar. Go at once. Circle at once. Go at once and first be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to God. You notice what you say in here? God says reconciliation takes priority over worship. Wow. Some of you shouldn't be here. Reconciliation takes priority over worship. He said, you know, you like to worship. You like to come and sing. You like to hear God's word. You like to learn the principles of life. Good.

27:48But he says there's something more important than that. Reconciliation. And he says, if you come to worship and you've got something out of whack with somebody else, you need to go get that right first and come back. Right now at Subway, try the 499 sub of the day. Get a different six-inch sub every day for just 499 each. Like Meatball Marinera on Mondays, tuna on Tuesdays and the BMT on Saturdays. It's a different six-inch sub every day. Pat with protein and your choice of chopped veggies for just 499 each. Or make it a meal with chips and a drink for just $2 more. But hurry, it's only for a limited time. And only at Subway. At participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii and on third-party delivery, add-ons, taxes, and fees for delivery additional. Toyota's easy choice sales event is on. Whether you're looking for the performance of a camera, the versatility of a RAV4, the efficiency of a Corolla, or all electric driving in the BZ. There's a Toyota that's just right for you. And with great deals across the lineup, now's the time to find yours.

28:49But hurry, these deals won't last long. Toyota's easy choice sales event ends soon. We make it easy. Toyota, let's go places. Right now at Subway, try the 499 sub of the day. Get a different six-inch sub every day for just 499 each. Like meatball marinara on Mondays, tuna on Tuesdays, and the BMT on Saturdays. It's a different six-inch sub every day. Pack with protein in your choice of chopped veggies for just 499 each. Or make it a meal with chips and a drink for just $2 more. But hurry, it's only for a limited time. And only at Subway. At participating restaurants, prices higher in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii and on third-party delivery, add-ons, taxes, and fees for delivery additional. He says, leave your gift at the altar. Go at once, be reckonsiled. Then come and offer your gift to God. Now, what is Jesus doing here? He said, don't ignore it. It doesn't matter if you're the offended or you're the offender. You need to take the initiative. It's always your move. When at once. As soon as possible, you don't delay. You don't postpone. Somebody been putting off this for weeks, months, or maybe years.

29:53The third thing you have to do before, sorry, this is still in initiate. You've got to plan a sit-down meeting. Okay? This isn't taking the initiative. And let me give you suggestions. I didn't give you a lot of room on your outline. So just write these down. I'm going to give you four suggestions on how to set up a meeting with somebody you're in conflict with. Okay? Here's what you do. Four things you do in setting up the meeting. Number one, I've already mentioned this. Choose the right time. Choose the right time. Timing is everything. When is the best time to have a meeting to receive a meeting? To resolve a conflict. The best time is when you're both at your best. That's when you do it. When you're both at your best. You may be ready, but they may not be ready to receive it. You've been thinking about this. You're ready to talk about it. They may not be ready to talk about it. So you don't pull it on them. You don't drop a bomb on, by the way. Never drop a bomb in bed.

30:56You're going to get an explosion. I mean, you know, you've been thinking about this all day. Why is your husband come home? Just as he puts his head on the thing, he say, honey, we need to talk. And you start in the first point he's going, and then you explode. Never drop a bomb in bed. Choose the right time. When you're both at your best. Okay? Number two, right place. You choose the right place. You don't just do it anywhere. Where's a good place and a good time to do this? Where we can be relaxed. Where it's quiet. Where we won't be bothered. Where maybe the kids are asleep. Or there are way or whatever. Where we can talk frankly and honestly. Where there's an emotion can come out. You choose the right place. Where you can be on the rough. Number three, pray before meeting. Very important. And you say, God, I'm scared to do this. But I need to be filled with your love. And I need you to help me do this right.

32:00Now, if it's a deep problem, you may take more than one meeting. But you still pray before the meetings. And the fourth thing is come with a positive attitude. You want to come to work on the problem. Not to attack each other. You're not coming to demean or demand or to disable. You're not coming to just disagree. You're coming to say, look, we're on the same team here. Let's try to make this thing work. And you work on the issue. Come with a positive attitude. Now, why do I do this? Why should I take the initiative? Well, let's just remember, Jesus commands it. I'm out of fellowship with God. My prayers aren't heard. And I'm not happy until I really deal with this issue. I want to close by giving you a statement. I want you to write this down, okay? Meet the Red Bull Dragonberry Emergizer. It's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire?

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34:02promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. It's always more rewarding. It's always more rewarding to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship. It's always more rewarding to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship. Now, it's not easier, but it's more rewarding. There are people in your life you want to just wash your hands up, walk away, so forget it. It's not worth it. I'm going to dissolve the relationship. I'm just walking away from it. It's just not worth it. Yeah, you don't do that. But you don't get any rewards in heaven for that. You don't get any joy on earth for that. You don't get any character growth and development for that. It's not rewarding for that. It's always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. Now, you can't make peace with other people

35:02do you made peace with God. And maybe that's part of the problem. Is you're not a peace with yourself because you're not a peace of God. First you've got to make peace with God, then you get the peace of God, then you have peace on earth goodwill toward men. The reason people don't have peace on earth goodwill toward men is they don't have peace with themselves. The reason they don't have peace with themselves they don't have peace with God. Look at this first on the screen. First Timothy 2.5. There is only one God and one mediator, that's the reconciler, who can reconcile God and people who can bring us together. He's a bridge builder. He is Jesus Christ. That's the starting point. First you need to get peace in your heart by getting the principle peace inside you. So let's do that. Let's power heads. Would you say this to God in your heart? God, you know the conflict in my life. You know the conflict with people

36:02and you know the conflict with you and you know the conflict with myself. And I'm tired of it. And I want to make peace. I want to make peace with you and have peace, your peace in my life. So that I can offer peace to others. You've said, blessed are the peacemakers. I want to be blessed. For they will be called the children of God. I want to be a child of God. So Jesus Christ, I accept your peace today. I accept your forgiveness. I want to be your child. I want to be a peacemaker. I open my life to you as best I know how. Fill my life with love, not anger, with patience, with joy, with peace. Come in and fill every area of my life with your calmness and help me to be a bridge builder, not a wall builder.

37:04And then pray this. You're God, help me to take the initiative. To not wait on that other person. But help me to take the initiative. Find the right time and the right place. And then help me to have the courage to confess my part of the conflict. And to be humble, so I won't stumble. Instead of attacking the problem, help me to... Looking for the best of verbo? Discover vacation rentals of the year top quality homes guess love from across the country. Our curated list takes the guesswork out of planning so you can spend less time searching and more time packing. Book your next day now with Herbo. Meet the Red Bull Dragonberry Emergizer. It's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so...fire? Try them all only at McDonald's.

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