Riff 79: Relocating Possums and Mole Parts Middlemen [The Comedian Next Door]

I have no idea what that was, I would be honest.

It was kind of the end of some classical piece you may have never heard of.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's what I was going to do.

Sure.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Remember the name that tune, remember that show where they would say the contestants would

say I can name that tune in a certain number of notes.

They would usually like notes.

It wasn't the ending notes that they played, it wasn't like, I can name that tune to the

last two notes.

Oh, the last two, yeah, that was be hard, but that show always baffled me when I was a

kid because it was like, A, where, how do we all know these song, like, but they were

like just jazz standards or something, right?

Or they, they weren't popular tunes.

They weren't like Tony Orlando or, well, they weren't in the 1950s, right?

I mean, but that's it, they weren't, they were, it was always like jazz tunes, right?

Wouldn't it, or was it all kinds of different cat, I guess there were different categories

weren't there?

Yeah.

I don't remember much about it, except that there was that I never got any of them.

It's like, well, yeah, I was like, when you're a kid, they were like, no, no, no, that

old cheese grater, like, I don't know what that, it was super niche, too, right?

And niche, I guess you have to say, because that's the, not only do you have to know the

song yet, that's assuming there was a crowd of people that are going, oh, yeah, the cheese

grater.

Yeah.

Yeah, the cheese grater.

And the rest of us were like, it was like a elaborate inside joke.

Right.

Well, the thing is that usually it was kind of like jeopardy and that they gave clues,

you know, this 1953 hit featured somebody who, you know, played the trombone and blah,

blah, blah.

And they would give you all the details.

And then so a lot of times you didn't even need to hear it.

I mean, if you just knew what it was, you could say, I can name that note, I can name

that tune in zero notes.

So Wikipedia is no help, because I'm looking to see where they drew their, their songs

from, because I don't remember knowing any of them.

It was just like, because I knew some, like some of the old big band songs and stuff,

but there's age.

Mm-hmm.

Well, Wikipedia, if Wikipedia is no help, where are you going to get help?

Where are you going to go?

Where?

Where?

Indeed.

So, it's been, I feel like we need an update from Luke about the mole situation, as the

springtime encroaches.

Oh, I can tell you.

We're going to start stirring.

Yeah.

They are, they've stirred all winter.

Like I thought, what?

I thought that they didn't, but no, as soon as, as soon as the ground thawed, they

were back to business.

They migrate, right?

Don't they migrate south?

South.

The moles go south.

Yeah.

That's a grand mole migration.

Yeah.

But I went to get the mail today, and it's, it's, it's bad.

How?

That's really.

Okay.

Here's the thing though.

How, how do you keep having them?

I don't, if you murder so many, I don't.

I don't, I don't keep up with it.

I go in spurs.

He like waves of murder, and then you'll go for a few weeks and allow them repopulate,

let them rest on my, on my laurels.

He, he kills them, like he'll kill a, a, a bunch of them for a, a short period of time.

You're like in a burst, and then you'll, and then he'll let them go and you'll see

them out in the backyard, like going on dates and stuff, you see them, you'll see them

starting to court, and then you know, they're going to start having flowers.

Yeah.

You know, they're going to start having babies and stuff, and then, and then I don't,

I don't have the heart to kill them when they're with young.

And so I've got to let them grow up, and then I can kill them.

Yeah.

That's the trouble.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the trouble.

Then that's the trouble you're having because the, the young ones, they, uh, they grow

up, you'll become big, big, big moles.

It is amazing how just a whole yard, a whole section of my yard, this full of tunnels,

I'll kill a mole there, and that will be it, like it was just one mole doing all of that

damage.

Huh.

Oh, that nobody picks up where the other guy left off.

Yeah.

Passes the torch.

Yeah.

Huh.

But I've got a lot of work to do.

Hey, have you found any recipes like all recipes now, I want, yeah, if you have a

good stew or something, well, I might motivate you more, and then you'd be like, man, I could

use another mole stew.

No, I've got a lot of life in it.

I leave them out for the birds to come and snatch, like, like a battlefield in biblical

times.

Yeah.

They're out there like a gong with the wind, just strewn all over the battlefield.

Uh, so, yeah, maybe moles on stretchers onto something, if you could feed your family,

if you thought as a, as a way to provide nutrition to your growing family, because I mean,

that's how we usually make animals extinct, right, if we can, if we can start eating them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you could treat a mole like the Indians would treat buffalo, where you just use

all of it.

You could make it.

Yeah.

A little, a little, uh, a little blanket out of mole skin, and you could use their claws

to create utensils for, you know, digging and scratching and stuff and take their little

teeth and make, uh, necklaces, these are little whiskers for paint brushes.

Yeah.

Well, because I have a, I don't know if it's a mole hair brush, but, uh, use that for, um,

for your shoes.

I think I, I think I have one for my, for my beard to comb through it and stuff, but it's

made with mole.

Isn't, well, isn't there like a mole skin, uh, notebook?

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

There it is.

The trouble of that is you also have to cut the paper.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I might, I might start an Etsy shop of mole, mole product, mole, well, I mean, you could

just do, you could just lay out the skins and since it's an Etsy shop, there's some

craftsperson who would know what to do with those skins.

Mm hmm.

Once you tan them.

So you're saying don't sell them as products, sell them to people who turn them into

things.

Yeah.

Like you're, uh, you'd be the, you'd be the Joanne fabrics of mole skin.

Right.

So you'd be the, the wholesale mole parts distributor.

Yeah.

And then somebody, like the middle man, you know, the middle man, you're the guy who sells

to the people.

I supply all of your mole crafting needs.

Right.

Right.

I've had a few people tell me that from A to Z, they have a dog that takes care of their

moles and the dog will go and dig them up and play with them and kill them and, but

then I have a dog digging holes in my yard.

I was going to say.

That seems like an equally, an equally bad problem.

You're, but your method is pretty surgical, isn't it?

If I remember correctly, I, it's, I take out their leader.

Like they're, I ran, he goes for the queen.

Yeah.

You were kind of, you're kind of hoping if you take out the biggest mole, the other one's

kind of just disperse and they go on, uh, that, that is not in the case because then

the next, well, it comes in, it's just the, what, it's just pretty labor intensive, though,

too.

I mean, it's, it's very, it's from personal, yeah, it is, it is intimate, but it's not

laborious.

Yeah.

I'm not standing out there under the hot sun for hours.

I'm watching through my window, right, but you do have, uh, you do have to do my hands

dirty, but it's not like a time of day where you go out there and you're like, and you

look for them or can you like hear it or feel it?

I can't really hear it unless I'm like right next to it.

I have a similar round as kind of dry.

I have a similar feud with, uh, carpenter bees.

Uh, I can hear, I can hear their disc, like the buzz is distinct.

Mm-hmm.

That's just, it makes the hair on the back of my neck.

No, that was a problem I solved and hasn't come back.

So, oh, you're, but your house isn't a log cabin made of pine.

No, that's true, that's true.

I have troubles.

You do have a hornet, though.

I mean, watch, watch, or already might, watch every year.

Well, do you have the little red paper wasper?

Do you have like, uh, generally it's yellow jackets, but we do get some paper

wasps and some muddoppers or whatever they're called.

Yellow jackets don't even, like you, in some cases, I'm willing to let other, be

other, you know, entities coexist.

Yellow jackets, they don't care.

They're just coming after you.

Yeah.

I've never had a problem.

That looks a mess off skin.

Let's go puncture it.

Only yellow jackets have ever really been a problem.

I think you, I was over here.

I was not threatening your household.

Yeah, they're not, they're not good neighbors.

Said, but with the moles to, like your goal, if you had never had another

mole again, you'd be happy.

Oh, yes.

You don't, you don't find some sort of thing that I try to make.

The best of it by enjoying the sport of hunting them.

And still, you know, I wish they were to take a biblical steal.

I would, I would do it.

Like, you know, when the Israelites came into Canaan, it was like, not

just the women and the children and the men, but like also their,

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, all the subterranean critters were also, if I could give them like a

tiny corner of the backyard where they could just have at it, like

their own little Gaza strip, I would do it.

But they wouldn't stay there.

They keep taking over.

That's what I'm saying.

As I think I feel like, I think you're, uh, because you're like, I'm

willing to live in peace with you.

And that's not the way that's going to happen.

It's not going to like, yeah, you're going to have to genocide the moles.

Yeah.

Which isn't a popular, popular theory these days.

Not popular with the, uh, with the peace, peace, nicks.

Do you, uh, did you ever put a water hose in the tunnel?

I'm like, uh, I think I did try that.

It's not very effective.

Uh, I was because that was what I was.

I think I watched too many cartoons because in the cartoons, they all

pop up on a little spur of, yeah, water that pops about the ground and

you can kind of whack out in with a golf club or something.

Hit him with a tennis racket.

They're held aloft by the pressure of water.

That would be a great family activity.

If I, if it weren't, your boys are old enough to start hunting moles.

Aren't they?

You know, give them a, yes, they are then the tools and have them go at it.

Yeah.

That's an interesting father son activity.

You know, some of them, some people take their kids fishing.

And you're going to go son, grab a screwdriver.

It's time he became a man.

Well, he's upgraded from the screwdriver.

I was just going to say he's got a little bit of a tool now.

I've got a sharpened hand tiller that I've constructed.

Was it like a yard, a garden weasel or something?

Whatever that is.

Yeah.

I used to sell it like it was the one you used to have to mail in for it.

It was, it was just a bunch of spikes out of a broom handle, basically, it's

that's similar with your garden of weeds.

Okay.

I googled garden, garden weasel.

Let's see.

Yeah, this is like a, like if Wolverine, if the Wolverine claws were,

had arthritis,

that's what looks like twisted spikes and then a handle.

Death from above.

Mm hmm.

What in the world?

I was just looked up anti-mold device and they have a windmill.

Says mold chasing windmill.

Oh, that just is supposed to make them not want to be in the area.

But I don't think that that was the sound.

What does it even, what a, oh, yeah, is it, is it make a lot of noise or something?

It's some kind of frequency and vibration and.

If I brace the ground, mold, you know, we're very sensitive to vibrations to want.

If you can get the ground to vibrate, is it this trap looking thing that looks like

there's knives and stuff going out of it?

No, I've, I've tried the traps.

That was on.

Bigger, plunge style, mold trap.

It's like that, I guess, but with a big handle.

I mean, well, if you could, yeah, if you fill up your yard with traps,

you know, if you put a trap every six inches, you know, that one gets active.

It looks like you could play croquet with them too.

So you could have like a little, it's similar to this.

Oh, wicked.

Oh, okay.

Wait, that's like, but that's a weed.

That's usually anti weed, right?

Like a way to pull it to pull up weeds.

Yeah, or, or pale mold, or pale mold, tiny rodents.

Where are they rodents?

I forgot.

Well, mammals, they could be marsupials.

I don't know.

That's, yeah, we're getting like a two for one.

Because that's because we've removed another possum.

They are not rodents.

A couple of weeks ago, they are small mammals classified as in second divorce.

What is that?

Not a rodent.

Apparently, it says no.

What do rodents eat them?

Something else.

I guess they're herbivores.

Rodents eat whatever, whatever they're not supposed to.

Okay.

Did you, you're speaking of the possum?

Did you mark the last possum so that you know, this isn't the same dude?

You know, we talked about it.

Yeah, we talked about it with this one.

We were like, we got to start tagging these things because we're,

I just never would have a on it or something.

If you do that and they trace it back to you,

they're going to know which ones that you released into the public park.

It's going to be like, oh, John Franyon, it's not like we're,

it's not like we're bringing them from out of state, you know,

it's like we're bootlegging possums, those Michigan possums.

Yeah, they're already here.

All we're doing is moving them to another part of the county.

Yeah, I don't think the, I don't think the population's hurting either.

I don't think they're a protected species now.

No, and I just wanted to me that he's ubering possums all over.

I don't think, I don't think it's illegal.

We talked about that too as my wife and I were making our way across town

to deposit him in the park.

We, uh, we thought, you know, what, what could they do to us?

What, what sort of, there might be a law, but how would it read, you know,

if a, if a possum, if you come across a possum on your property,

you're not allowed to take it to the park.

You're not allowed to let you, you, you can't relocate it to another.

That'd be, it'd be weird if possums had squatters rights like that.

It would be, well, how would you, I mean, would that apply to every animal?

What about squirrels?

What about rabbits?

What about, uh, what about other animals that live out?

What about bees?

You know, what else spiders?

What if I, does your, does your yard have a clearly posted, no possums sign?

It's like, have you made it clear?

Oh, yeah, have you, I wouldn't, I wouldn't put one up there.

It's shut.

I don't think the possums can read.

Hmm.

That would be difficult to argue in court, John.

You can't prove that they can't read.

I guess it's a problem.

Who was I talking to this weekend about how we don't know what a, we don't know

what animals think, right?

You know, for all we know, they can read, they just can't speak.

But if they, if they can read and if they can understand English,

then this possum can't be the same possum because I've explicitly told all

of the possums to come back or, you know, he has a disregard.

Well, he knows he's in his rights and he's going to win in the end.

Oh, he, he's working the system antagonist.

Yeah, what would be the, I mean, I guess the penalty would be like a fine or something,

but if he is the same possum, he's an idiot because we caught him, we've caught him

like four times now.

He really likes car rides with John Brand.

Exactly.

Well, they weren't calling for the same trap every time.

They work because like if you have heard a thing and this may or may not be true,

when you move, like if you have a cat that you let outdoors, you have to take the cat

and put it in a cage and bring it to the new house and let, like, it has to be in the

cage for like a week.

Otherwise, when you let him outside, they go back to the old house or something.

Like if it's within reason, obviously, to not going to do the, uh, whatever long

way home and go to California, but, uh,

well, they are there's, yeah, there's at least two miles away.

Even that's crazy to a bar.

You've got to get drunk, you've got to get him drunk, you've got to do it with a

blindfold on them and take them, you know, take them two miles away, blindfold them,

put them back over their head, spin them around.

Right.

You could turn them loose throughout their family.

They, yeah, they will be sure to get them.

Are they, do you catch every one of them in the coop itself?

Uh, they're in the, they're in that life trap that you loaned us, which is in the

chicken coop.

The most recent ones, it's outside the chicken coop is not actually in the coop,

but it's in the car.

Prior to that, Laurie was just grabbing them by the tail.

I'm not kidding.

She's like, she would yell, John, I need your house.

And I would call him, she'd have a pile of the tails like the jobs 90% done by that

point.

Why was he asking for the cat carrier?

She need weaknesses before we got the live trap from Luke.

So I had to hold the cat carrier open and she would drop him in.

Oh, where his face goes.

We're all the sharp teeth and claws are with the rabies on them.

She had to hold that part open.

Yeah.

Well, she's holding it by the tail.

And so he'd be like swinging, you know, and I thought you're supposed to, I thought

they, if you startle them, they, they go limp, right?

They pass out some of them do.

If you, if you scare them, they'll pass out playing, but that's an involuntary thing

that they do.

Like, yeah, people think possums play dead.

They don't.

They actually pass out.

They have a, they go into like a coma.

They faint at the risk of sound like a broken record here.

Have, have you tried any possum recipes?

Because there actually are possum recipes evidently, evidently, the Beverly hillbillies

knew a lot about, about possums.

Granny, granny got a cook a possum.

Yeah, but Ellie Mae was not on board with that.

Oh, well, did they ever, did they ever go on record?

Has heard that she just was she like a vegan?

She's just eating beans all the time.

I wouldn't say she had let those critters just love them critters as they would, as they

would refer to them.

I've never, I know, regardless of what y'all are thinking.

I've never had, I don't think, no, I've never had possum.

I've had rabbit and I've had snake.

Just a possum is a class two animal in Indiana, but

a class two wild animal possession permit for $20, you can keep it.

Oh, oh, as a, actually, you need a permit to keep it, but you don't know what you think

about that relocate it.

It, yeah, I mean, as far as I know, that depends on how they define keeping.

Yeah, you've got to renew it annually.

Why would you want, why would you want?

I want to be at the tax office when they're like, I'd like to renew my possum license, please.

Let's take the possum with you to get the permit.

Oh, yeah.

Why is here Chester?

I was going to say Chester.

Why do we think Chester?

I don't know.

I was trying to think of some kind of a weird backwoods.

No, there's the fact that we're both thinking Chester, I mean, something subconscious.

We connected.

So, so, uh, AI is hopefully responding to the question.

Why would you want a pet possum?

Okay.

Wait, I'm going to predict something.

They're going to say that it's not a good idea to keep a possum as a pet.

And that should allow the possum to live freely and all that stuff.

They always tell you it's a bad idea and then you have to like press it to go, no, really.

It's, it's as most people don't intentionally choose a pet possum.

Right.

When people keep them, it's usually because they rescued an injured baby or work in a wild life rehabilitation facility.

There are a few reasons why you might want one.

They are surprisingly gentle.

Their main defense is bluffing and playing dead.

So that way it is not the hissing and the, uh, the, uh, off-putting looks, they're valid.

Say that's a defensive strategy.

People find them easier to handle than squirrels and raccoons for this reason, because they're not aggressive.

Uh, they are natural pest control.

They're clean.

Uh, they're clean up animals to eat ticks.

So clean up.

Yes.

Slug snails.

Uh, fallen fruit.

Uh, possums are less likely to carry rabies than many mammals.

Your body temperature is slightly more likely.

It's, it's, it's very rare, but it's always rare.

It's very rare for a possum to get rabies.

Huh.

Yeah.

They have interesting personalities.

People who rehabilitate them say that possums can be curious, food motivated.

Surprisingly calm around familiar humans.

They often waddle around the house and investigate everything.

Yeah, it sounds familiar.

Like that's basically why my wife didn't describe me.

Uh, maybe possums are extremely small and clingy when young, which is when, I mean, young is usually how you find the baby possums.

Uh, people who rescue orphan ones.

Often become attached quickly.

Once the imprint on humans, they can, uh, become very tolerant of handling.

However, there's some big downside.

It's the caveat.

Uh, in many states, it is illegal.

Luke to keep them as pets without a permit.

Not in ours.

Tell me, tell me why.

What, what scenario was it where the city council or the state legislature even decided we need to, this needs to be regulated.

Someone keeping a possum.

How?

I don't understand what that guards against.

To me, it's just, it's just another 20 bucks that you give the government.

That's the whole purpose.

Like, what can we, what can we charge people for?

Well, who brings that up though?

What can we charge people for?

And then they said, well, what are people doing?

That's like, what are people already doing?

Let's just charge them for that.

What does that permit look like?

Do you have to put the possums name and then ink their paw on it and.

You got to go in for a photograph.

Possum has to take off glasses and.

How are you laminated?

Then you got to keep it in your wallet.

I imagine.

Make sure it doesn't have a criminal history.

You got a permit for this possum.

I've got to hear somewhere officer.

He's supposed to keep that permit on the possum.

How are you ever get caught?

Right?

I mean, how did you find you?

Is this your possum?

Nope.

I've never seen that possum before.

Why are you holding him?

I was just taking him to the backyard and I'm free.

Well, I mean, if you got like a collar on him and there's like a crochet knitted sweater,

then there's a little.

Yeah, that'd be a little problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're hard to talk yourself out of that one.

They have very specific diets.

If you give them too much protein, it can cause bone disease.

And they have a short lifespan.

You want to guess how long they live?

For five years.

For 36 hours.

No.

It's true.

They too.

Oh, really fast.

15 minutes.

Two to four years.

Two to four.

That's assuming that you don't live by a busy street.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

I told you that I saw.

There's one of the tree stands that we hunt from has a nightly possum that comes out and

just scurries around aimlessly.

Well, I'm sure he's doing something, but it's just it's fun to watch.

He's just looking for roadkill to feast on.

Well, they eat, you know, slugs and roaches and bugs and stuff.

Do they eat roadkill?

I don't think they do.

No, they are the roadkill.

Yeah.

They eat each other.

That'd be a wild man.

You know, they've got a little possum agenda, a little possum.

Possum list of things to do.

They check off every night.

Are they not with a possum?

A club.

They're not in.

Our possums and monogamous.

Let's see.

They made for life.

They made for life.

It's like four years.

It's not like not much of a commitment.

Not a big commitment.

No.

They are largely solitary and not monogamous.

No.

Oh.

And they do not always be young.

It's our diamond anniversary three years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

So it's it's warming up.

And so the critters are starting to move here in Indiana and work.

We're gearing up for that.

It's kind of warming up.

Sort of.

How does one gear up?

What are you doing with your gear?

What gear are you up?

We're just putting bait in the live trap.

Sharpening my.

Sharks.

Of course you're going to be dead.

That's I forgot about.

So is that so is that a specific thing?

Are you you're using it other than its intended purpose to effectively kill malls?

I haven't used it to actually for its intended purpose in years and years and years.

But it's not a mole stick.

It's not.

But I thought about marketing it.

You know, with my kills and then you see my.

Yeah, like hash marks or something or you like to have the silhouette on there.

Yeah.

Little tears drops on it.

Ace.

No.

I mean, you went with the present tats.

I was thinking like World War II bomber.

Right.

Right.

I would like.

Yeah.

But that's fine.

That's cool too.

All you got to do is, you know, modify it a little bit and then resell it.

You were talking about Etsy.

You need to.

I wonder if there's some sort of a club.

You could start an association of.

Well, I have people who see my first post and who are like, I need you at my house.

And so.

If all my other career options fall out.

I could just stand in people's yard staring.

Well, I mean, you know what they say.

If you if you could get paid doing what you love, you know.

You never work a day in your life.

I can say I'm in surveillance or, you know, murder.

I'm in murder.

Murder for hire.

It's not what you think, but it might be what you think.

Yeah.

I dabble in murder.

Did you have the example?

No, it wasn't you.

It was a friend of yours who had an exterminator come over to remove the bees from the chimney.

And then wasn't allowed to go up on the roof because of insurance.

Yeah, he called like.

Orkin or some major company.

And they were like, oh, I'm not allowed on the second story.

But here's what I would do.

And then so my friend was like, well, to go up and do it.

And then.

He's not allowed.

Yeah, if some kind of policy, he wasn't allowed to go up on the second story roof.

Exterminator is not allowed to go where the bees are.

He's not allowed to pursue them off of the ground.

That is so weird purposes probably.

Well, but.

What kind of insurance, I mean, what kind of a exterminator are you if you couldn't,

especially like, well, think about a poor one.

Yeah, that's true.

They can't.

Like one day, you know, when we work up, when our client base is a little wider,

we'll be able to add that second tier to our insurance.

It's actually a pretty good.

It's actually a pretty good business model because from what I understand,

the guy just gave the homeowner his equipment and the homeowner went up

and took care of the bee problem.

That's a great business model.

If you.

If your services are nothing more than bringing things to the homeowner,

and having them do all the work, and then you charge them,

they should have a kiosk at the store like the,

like the rug doctor stuff.

You just go and rent your claim, throw or whatever pest control device you need.

Right.

And you pay them to use their equipment.

It's, it's, you remember those restaurants where you could,

you could grill your own steak.

Mm-hmm.

You, you go in and pick it out and then you took it to like a table or someplace

in the kitchen or whatever.

And then you made your own food at the restaurant.

Yep.

That's genius.

If you could get people to do a fondue.

Yeah.

Is it different?

Yeah.

Exactly, man.

I would never do that.

I would never go someplace and cook a steak.

I was going to say you would never start a business where people do their own,

their own thing.

Let's throw you.

You go to good fro you.

That's, you make your own frozen.

And then you pay them by the pound.

That's how I thought I was pretty brilliant.

My mom, I didn't know about this place and she just,

I guess, because her grant, you know, my brother's kids.

And so we went to Florida and she's like,

let's go get fro you.

And I guess so.

And then it's, you, you, I didn't know.

I thought you were just, I thought was a flat fee.

So I loaded up around the big cup.

And it was like, you know, I guess you, um,

I'm trying to remember when the last time either at like,

Ryan's or when you're on a cruise, they don't charge.

They don't, you just loaded up.

So then you got the topic or it's like a buffet of its own.

So you have, you know,

M&Ms and gummy worms and Oreo cookies.

And you're like, it's like, yeah, you're just kind of,

you just kind of, and you're not even, you just dumping,

you didn't even use it as a spoon anymore.

You just pick up the whole tray.

Go and dump it in there.

And then they go put it on the scale and you're like, what?

I thought that we were, we're just flat fee right now.

Could you have been like, by the pound?

Could you have been like, never mind?

You know what?

For $45 a banana split.

I don't need it.

You can take it.

I'm going to put all this back.

Just, just, just scoop it out of there.

Just kind of.

It's not working.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That doesn't work anywhere else.

It seems like like there was a,

there was a time not that long ago where we're all sorts of restaurants.

We're doing a make your own this and make your,

was there a make the runner's movie place where you could go in

and basically they would pile all the things into a blender?

I just feel like I remember because you,

you just throw it all in a cup, right?

And you go there and blend this.

And then they grind it up.

Blend it.

Yeah.

That's actually difficult to create a good tasting smoothie.

Just based on throwing stuff in a cup.

Like there's, there's an art to it.

You think?

I think so.

If you ever tried to make your own smoothie.

I had somebody at the coffee shop make me.

The first matcha that she had made.

Which kind of surprised me that they hadn't made one before.

And she goes, I said, do you have matcha here?

And I know them.

I know the girl at the.

And she goes, I can, she goes, I can make you one.

I don't worry.

You just not, you don't have it.

She goes, no, but I know like a shot at it.

She made it and it was.

Not that good.

So wait.

Not good.

It was off menu, but they had matcha.

I thought that was just another fancy name for green tea.

It kind of is.

It's a.

It's a type of green tea.

Why did they have matcha if they didn't sell anything with matcha in it?

I'm just telling you what she told me.

That wasn't.

We never made one.

It was not good.

That's like that reminds me in college.

They, they opened up this new like food.

It wasn't the cafeteria, but it was like a thing in the dorms.

It was like a, you could pay a little extra.

It was like a.

It was like a sandwich.

There was a sandwich shop.

You go.

You go into the history department and you get.

You get free pizzas.

No, that was a.

They open the sandwich shop.

You could go and get wraps and that kind of stuff.

But so I would go in there and get like a, you know, six inch hoagie.

Just some.

What was it?

Salami and kind of thing.

And so I remember staying in a couple of times.

So like once was cheddar.

And another time I would get like provolone.

Then I want to matcha reala.

And I was like, wait a second.

Do they have all these cheeses in there?

So I've looked over.

And they basically they only had two stacks of cheeses.

They had yellow cheese and a white cheese.

And whatever.

Yeah, I'll take Swiss.

Oh, the white cheese.

And I'll have a.

I have American.

Oh, you'll get a yellow cheese.

I'll have a party.

That's white cheese.

Yeah.

Well, I don't.

I was talking this week in the comedy workshop at the.

The film school.

About sandwiches.

You know, they brought them up in a sandwich is not a thing.

That.

That's considered fine dining, right?

But yet you can still buy sandwiches.

Well, virtually every restaurant.

And so what?

What is it that?

Why is it that it's, it's a.

Why is it a lower class? It's a $17 sandwich in this restaurant, you know, it's a $4 sandwich

in this restaurant and it's basically the same ingredients.

Um, let's take a real ham and cheese, medium rare.

No.

Parrot with a fine bread.

And a nice rosé or something.

And your question, why is it not an upper scale?

Like, why don't you have a black tie sandwich restaurant?

Right. Right.

Why? And that was my question to them.

It's like, would you, like, would it be funny to get dressed up,

like to rent a tux to go to subway?

And they all laughed and I go, why is that funny?

And then that's what we talked about.

What's one, why would you, the incongruence there of going out

for a fine dining experience in subway?

Like he went to Jared's favorite sandwich shop.

Jared's national, there's not a, there's not a local thing.

The Jared's national commercial, that was a commercial that they ran for a while.

He went to Jared's.

Some boys know that dude's in jail, I think, isn't he?

He at least was.

Yeah, he got in a some trouble.

Yeah, they don't talk about Jared at subway anymore.

They don't talk about him.

They don't care how much weight he lost.

He is.

They didn't even replace him.

They're like, we're not doing this again.

Can we find another guy that lost a lot of weight?

It's like, that's not.

It's just, I don't even think subway advertises anymore, do they?

There's like, you know what?

We're just, we're just going to coast.

We're not having to tell people what come in.

We're doing fine.

They use Shaquille O'Neill at one point, I think.

I think Shaquille O'Neill has been the spake spokesperson for everything.

That's true.

I thought those general auto insurance commercials were local.

I thought they were Georgia commercials until Shaq showed up and I was like, wait a second.

Yeah, this poorly designed scene.

I know, I figure it's not a public.

It's PowerPoint quality.

It's a local.

It's like, wait a second.

What's going on here?

It gives you some idea how much money those supplemental insurance companies make.

Or counterpoint.

I think Shaq just likes doing commercials.

You don't really have to pay it.

Shaq just really believes in the product.

He didn't really, you don't have to pay him that much.

It's just like Shaqille, you do a commercial for this.

I just want his insurance.

I'll talk about it for free.

You know Shaq is not using the general insurance.

Yeah.

Well, maybe correct you want to some level.

I mean, when you've got as much money as Shaqille O'Neal has,

you got to do something with your time, right?

Why not make crazy commercials?

That was my trouble with the Tom Brady Hertz commercials.

It's like, what are you doing here, Tom?

Just go home.

Just have a phone.

My television.

Stay off my television.

Well, it's just having fun.

It's either that or something.

I can go and play video games.

What if it is a kind of thing where he has to keep moving

or he gets sad?

Yeah.

It's like, what are you?

It's like, here, honey, just sit here for a second

and he just kind of slowly droops.

Well, I think we're all the way.

What happened?

What if you had, what if you had as much money as a country,

you know, like Shaqille O'Neal or Tom Brady?

What would you do?

As hunting people for sport?

Has hunting people for sport just gone the way of the, I mean,

what would you do publicly?

All these rich people in the public eye.

Yeah.

What would you do that you could?

Would you get in trouble for, well, I'd tell you what,

I know how many possums I can keep.

A lot at least three or four.

You can have as many problems as you want to.

I wonder if you could chain them all together

and have like a sled.

Take a sled through town.

That would take a lot of fun.

How many horsepower do I need?

How many possums?

One crack of the whip, though, and you're sitting still.

They all just kind of pass out how many more horsepower.

You're just like, mush.

We're not going to go any more day.

They're going to die of constrictency of three years

and you're going to have a full of sled.

I'm sorry to say

that a possum does not have a measurable amount of horsepower.

However, they could likely generate a tiny fraction of one horsepower.

So, a tiny fraction of one.

But yeah, I would think if I had a lot of money,

though, I don't know if I'd be doing commercials.

I would be wasting it on really stupid stuff like that, though.

Oh, they're slow.

Four miles per hour is their top speed.

It's their top speed.

You could totally run down.

Maybe armadillos are a better play than they go pretty fast.

Although, I didn't know this until this last year,

they jump straight up in the air.

Possibly four or five feet armadillos.

Like if you scare them, they go,

they'll jump straight up like four or five feet in the air.

And that's nuts.

And then you kick them.

I would have a crazy big car.

That's one thing.

There's a thing called a F650.

Have you ever seen one of those?

No, you can google that.

It's Ford.

It's a Ford.

Usually it's like reserved for like a semi-truck size,

but you could put a truck bed on it.

And that's what you would have just to drive around.

I don't know.

I might ride a buffalo through town.

Or a bison, sorry, but they don't have a buffalo anymore.

Might buy a bison.

And see if I could domesticate it.

But would that be okay?

Would riding a bison...

I don't know if I would be a car insurance commercial.

There's a difference between bison and buffalo.

I have an important question.

Oh, go ahead, sorry.

So it's riding a bison through town.

Because you have so much money that you...

Right, it doesn't matter.

If you're riding a bison through town,

does that make more sense

than shooting a commercial for the general one?

For free.

I think my time is better served.

Oh, for free.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think one...

I mean, I think riding a bison would be more fun than shooting a commercial, I think.

Yeah, well, but that would be your personal taste,

but you'd see what I'm saying.

You wanted to use your own bison.

You would be known as the bison guy.

So, like, branding, you'd make more money

by riding a bison around.

I can't stop earning money.

I'm trying to do these crazy things.

You'd be in commercial with the bison?

Yeah, without my permission, probably.

Accidentally, be in a commercial.

Somebody would start an insurance company called bison guy.

Yeah, just like a happy branding.

We're just kind of like critical mass, right?

Words like, I've got so much money.

I'm just going to start riding a bison everywhere.

And then that's going to make money, too.

Yeah, you can just...

Despite...

That's not your reason for doing it.

That's until lose money, yeah.

And the bison spins off and has its own independent franchise.

And then you get paid residuals for that.

Right.

That's the point of Brewster's millions,

if you've never seen that movie.

Is that he can't stop making money?

You can't wait, was it?

He has to get rid of 30 million dollars in the remake.

He has to get rid of 30 million dollars and have nothing to show for it.

Oh.

And then he would get a hundred hundred million.

Nothing physical to show for it.

Right.

You can't have kept it.

Wait, you said the remake?

You could spread a lot before the Richard Pryor one.

Yeah, but he couldn't...

Well, he couldn't like buy real estate or invest it in something.

He couldn't...

He couldn't have any assets to show for it.

So he had to basically waste it.

And he couldn't give it away, either.

He couldn't...

He can just donate to some to charity.

Well, some, yeah.

But not all of it.

Well, I'm flabbergasted.

So the Richard Pryor movie was a remake of some hardware movie.

Yeah.

Are you serious?

There is no Brewster's Millions, yeah.

That's blowing my mind.

Yep.

I remember actually watching it for the first time going,

wow, this is a nice original.

You know, what a cool original line.

Finally, Hollywood is producing something original.

Yeah.

You're looking it up now, aren't you, Joanne?

Yeah, I got to see you with the...

Well, here's the eyes...

Look at that up instead of looking up recipes for preparing possum.

We're now sidetracked.

Oh, I'm...

So while he's doing that, do you have something?

Here's something, Luke.

Did you guys y'all have a show, though, right?

We did have a show.

My first one in a very, very long time.

October of 2024, actually.

What's a new...

A new year?

Not a new year.

Nope.

Do you haven't done a show since...

October 2024?

I know, right.

Oh, okay.

That doesn't sound like that long ago, but it is kind of...

What's a new year that you did that was good that day?

I did go with you to that corporate show

that you didn't end up bringing me on stage with.

That was December of 2024, but that was it.

That was the last...

Yikes.

I know, right?

So I did pretty good for being that rusty, I feel like.

I thought it went well.

Yeah, I thought it went well.

Joanne, I did my online college degree bit.

That I threw out here, and it worked.

Oh, nice.

What was it refresh my...

What was the premise again, besides it being online?

No, the premise was that the whole thing

felt like a scam.

Because of how easy it was to get...

I did all my phone in the bathroom, basically.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's right.

I remember that now.

Yeah.

So, that's fine.

Yeah, it was basically that anybody could do it.

And if you just replace scrolling on Facebook in the bathroom with,

you know, writing a paragraph or so on an assignment,

you can graduate like 40 to 50 poops.

That punchline works even on...

Kind of works.

Turn you out.

Was there a...

Was there like a moment of like silence

when you kind of let it sit for a second or did

was that hit pretty quick?

No, it worked.

It worked.

Like, you would hope it would.

So, okay, that's good.

I'm glad.

No, I'm just saying I've had...

I've had jokes like that going, man, they're going to laugh right after that.

I've literally had to wait like three or four seconds

just to let it...

That's a long time.

And even then,

the melody goes...

Just you go...

Just count.

It was that...

Did I ever tell you what that bit I had about...

Why do we...

With longer numbers...

I should...

Like with a credit card number, you just...

Or your social security number, you just...

You should say it and that's...

Place value.

Anyway, that was a dumb idea.

But I did it and then I would wait

and people would start laughing like literally three seconds after.

And that's a long time and comedy for over two years.

Yeah.

Good for you for waiting.

Well, I think that I was the first time I did it.

Melody goes, you need to wait because people don't get it right away.

I'm like, okay.

That's...

It's hard to do, man.

And four seconds.

That's a long time.

So what did you learn about Bruce Millions?

There was...

The original was in 1945,

starring...

Dennis O'Keefe,

and Alan Walker,

and June Havoc.

That sounds like a Marvel character.

That just reminds me that my dad would leave

Turner movie classics running.

And it's like now, the classic

Barbara Paradise with James...

James Montgomery and Barbara Banger.

That's like all these names...

Well, I know Barbara Banger.

I'm trying to think of...

I don't know what you use.

It's like, who are they're just normal names?

Cindy Crawford, no.

Crap.

Why are you coming up?

I'm literally trying to...

Crapford Riley.

And would add just nodding along and like,

who?

Dad, I don't know any of these people.

I thought I'd do some...

Like, you know...

Great.

Now my brain goes blank.

Chuck Connors.

Barbara Stanway.

Yeah, Barbara Stanway, because that's another one.

Yep.

So I brought this up on this recession before,

but my wife recently,

and I had a disagreement about what the phrase

on the way home means.

I think he did.

Did I?

What was the...

What was the delineating?

I've realized that I learned it from my mom.

My mom used to do this.

Like, she never went out to do a single thing.

She would do a whole series of things.

She would do the thing and then on the way home.

Oh, yeah.

Would do a whole bunch of...

Even if those other on-the-way home things were the opposite direction.

Right.

On-the-way home doesn't mean geographically.

It's along the way.

It's just on the journey as a whole.

On-the-way back home.

It gets incorporated.

And so...

So technically, it's on the way...

Away from home.

On the...

Yes.

In the opposite direction of home,

we're doing this.

Then we're going home.

Right.

That would get counted in the trip.

On the way...

On the trip home.

It's...

Yeah, we might have to stop a few different places.

Right.

Across state lines doesn't matter.

It's on the way home.

Right.

Gosh.

That's...

We're going to do it before we arrive at home.

Yes.

It's the next stop, regardless of where physically...

That's a tough call.

That is a tough call.

I could see why a person would say,

unless it's your last leg,

you can't say you're on the way home,

because you're on the way somewhere else.

But if the person doing it,

if your intent is my final destination is home,

because I mean, if you like Frodo Baggins,

yeah, it works like that.

You're coming...

If you're coming all the way from Mount Doom back to the Shire,

there's going to be some stops

to be here to get there for Carinal Out.

Well, unless you're directly on the route that you're taking home,

then it's out of the way.

And so that was your point, right, Luke?

It's not all the way home.

Yeah, the man is point.

Yeah.

Most stops are not technically on the way home.

Most things are not on the way home, right?

Yeah.

Most things are...

But the way that it's said,

it implies that,

oh yeah, we're on the way home.

But since we're just passing right by the front door

of this other establishment,

then we'll...

You know.

Like we dropped off a possum at the park

on the way home.

Now we left our home.

Yeah.

You're saying there's a one-secondary...

If home is the last destination,

then everything in between is on the way home, that's true.

Yeah, you can't...

Okay, I'll go with that.

Because otherwise, nothing,

it never would make sense if you are,

if you could just say,

you could be in your rock and chair going,

well, I'm on the way home.

Well, you got to get up and...

Basically, every time you leave the house,

you're going somewhere that's...

You're on your way home.

Because...

Because you're going...

Lord willing.

You're...

No.

Lord willing.

You could find yourself caught in a possum trap or something.

So you've been seeing you.

But we don't say it that way, though.

We don't go...

Like, on the way out to the grocery store.

If the grocery store is the only place we're going,

we don't say,

we'll see you...

I'm on the way home.

I'm going to swing by the grocery store on my way home.

Because that's exactly where you're going.

It looks like where else are you going?

It's like I'm just going to the grocery store.

And then I'm coming back here.

If you don't make a distinction, then yeah,

then that's like a...

It's never going to mean anything.

If nothing.

Where are you going?

You've got to do that.

I get it.

Going out to the mailbox on my way home.

In my case, what I'm saying, I'm on my way,

that means I'm almost getting up to go get in the car

to come...

Yeah.

I was like, are you on your way home?

All right.

I'm just...

I'd say, I'm on my way.

Yeah, I'm on my way home.

Yeah, but what that means is,

I'm about, I'm just about to get up and go get in the car.

I'm getting ready to close my laptop and go out for the car.

Processes are happening,

but I'm not technically.

That's the same idea, right?

You're always on the way home.

Assuming that you're going to stay there,

you know, tonight.

The only time you wouldn't be on the way home

is if you're staying like a hotel or an Airbnb.

If you're not spending

the night at home,

you're...

And that's the over time thing, because

those Christians were always on the way home, you know?

Always.

Well, I guess the overnight stay would be...

Until he calls his home.

Evacations on the way home.

We're going to spend a week in Florida on the way home.

On the way home?

It's so weird.

A lot of times we say it just to make it sound like it's not an inconvenience.

I was like, I'll do that on my way home,

even though...

Yeah.

Even though it's in Kansas.

Yeah, I'll build a house on the way home.

Yeah.

Everything...

Literally, everything.

Well, I was...

I was going to bring up my problem with solitaire,

but we can kick it off next week with the...

I love it for hangers.

I'm going to do that from now on.

Look at that solitaire, good hangers.

It's a pinion for solitaire, right?

Yeah.

Woo, Luke.

And did Luke make it?

Luke make it back.

Luke senses that we're almost done, so he just flips his lap over.

Oh wait, real quick.

John, did you have a new bit from that same night

that Luke, did you have a new one that you snuck in?

Did you do a new bit the other day?

Did I?

Uh...

No.

I don't think so.

Well, I did throw out a thing that I thought about that afternoon,

and it was an idea for a new business.

And I'm like...

I said, I've got an idea for a new business that I'm going to start.

I'm going to get a bunch of movies, like DVDs and movies,

and I'm going to put them in a store and let people rent them.

I think that's a business idea that's got some legs.

Oh my god, he got a soft chuckle.

I got a chuckle.

I didn't get a big gaffer, but it got a little laugh, so.

You could put, uh, I don't think you could do

as install phones and public areas and charge people like

five cents or 25 cents to just make a call.

Like if they just want to...

It's not a bad idea.

If they're standing out on the sidewalk,

and I'm like, man, I need to call somebody.

I think you could just take your spare change and make a phone call.

You're right, you give me a quarter,

and I will let you call somebody from this phone

that I have hardwired to a wall.

You can't go anywhere, you got to stay here.

You got to stay right here, man.

Yeah, well, man, ahead of my time.

Or if you happen to want to change into a uniform of some kind,

you could give us a bureau costume.

With windows all around, so we're going to watch.

Yeah, I remember phone booths.

They would have like a little booth that people could go into

and make a phone call.

That was a real thing.

That actually happened.

How was it like your own room we used to do for a phone call?

And now you just leave it on speaker phone.

Nobody cares.

That was for privacy.

We had to close a little door, so like no one can hear you.

And now it's like, they just...

Not only can they hear you talking on the phone,

now you have it on speaker phone,

so everybody can hear the entire conversation.

All right, it's the opposite of privacy.

It's like, hey, everyone, I want you to hear this thing.

That I'm talking about has nothing to do with you.

I want you to hear what I'm saying.

I don't want you to hear the other,

because I've got headphones in.

I want you to hear my half of the conversation

at a regular speaking volume.

All right, goodbye, everybody.