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About this Episode
Great news, you guys... my friend&`&s grandma died.
PJ That&`&s nice, P.J.
You didn&`&t hear what he said, did you, dad?
That&`&s nice, Gabe.
PJ P.J., how is it good news that an old lady died?
It&`&s good news because now I can buy her car.
And they&`&re only asking $1000,
Which dad will help me out with.
No, I won&`&t.
Amazing. How do you only hear what you want to hear?
20 Hey, I&`&ve been married to your mother for 20 years.
It&`&s called survival.
700 Come on, dad, I&`&ve saved up $700.
All yo have to do is give me...
The rest.
No no. I&`&m your dad.
I&`&m not Santa claus and I&`&m not a bank.
Well, you&`&re built like both of them.
Dad, please please.
I really need my own car.
Driving girls around in the bug truck.
Just isn&`&t working.
Yeah, that&`&s what&`&s not working... the bug truck.
Look, P.J., I&`&m sorry, but I&`&m not gonna give you the money.
So I guess you&`&re out of luck on this one.
Way to go, dad.
You just took an old lady&`&s death.
And turned it into something sad.
Today&`&s all burnt toast
running late,and dad says
Has anybody seen my left shoe
I close my eyes, take a bite
Grab a ride, laugh out loud
There it is up on the roof
I&`&ve been there, I&`&ve survived
So just take my advice
Hang in there, baby,
Things are crazy
But I know your future is bright
Hang in there, Baby
There is no maybe
Eveything turns out all right
Sure life is up and down
But trust me, it comes back all around
You&`&re gonna love who you turn out to be
Hang in there, Baby
Good luck Charlie S01E20 Girl Bites Dog
Okay, Charlie. These are tools.
This is a screwdriver. And this is a hammer.
And if you play your cards right,
You&`&ll never have to use either of them.
Hi.
Hi. I brought you something from work.
"" It&`&s grape to see you.
It&`&s great to see you too.
"" Oh no, "Grape to see you" Is the name of the smoothie.
Wow, that is lame.
I came up with it.
And delicious.
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, so my mom&`&s gonna be home from work.
In, like, half an hour, and then we can start studying.
Oh, we were gonna study? I didn&`&t bring my books.
Perfect.
What&`&re you doing? Playing with tools, huh?
Ow.
Charlie, what are you doing?
That&`&s Spencer, not Gabe.
Ouch, she really got me.
Oh, I&`&m so sorry. That&`&s not like her.
It&`&s okay. She didn&`&t mean it.
Right, Charlie?
Who&`&s your buddy? Who&`&s your buddy?
Ow! She bit me.
Charlie.
Man, this really hurts.
I&`&m so sorry.
Maybe she thought you were yummy.
Maybe you guys should feed her.
We do feed her. I mean, I don&`&t,
But I assume somebody does.
I&`&d better go get this looked at.
I&`&m so sorry.
Oh, maybe we could not study some other time.
I&`&ll call you.
Okay.
Charlie, you chased my boyfriend away.
Are you happy now?
Charlie&`&s never done this before, like, with anyone.
Well, maybe Charlie senses there&`&s something wrong with Spencer.
You know what they say...
Dogs and kids are the best judges of character.
Yeah, what could possibly be wrong with Spencer?
He&`&s good looking. He&`&s smart.
He&`&s Captain of the football team.
And he likes me.
But how much do you really know about him?
Spencer could be hiding something. Everybody has a secret.
Oh yeah?
What&`&s your secret?
I love country music. There, I said it.
You do not.
Oh?
Check this out.
Oh yeah.
Come on, do it with me.
You know you want to.
Oh, what the heck.
To the left.
To the back.
Kick it.
What do you think, mom?
Wow, it&`&s...
It&`&s a car.
Where did you get it?
It used to belong to my friend&`&s grandma.
Oh, did she stop driving?
No, breathing.
She was on her way to a buffet.
And took a detour to heaven.
Oh no.
Luckily she was at a stop sign,
So there was no body damage... to the car, I mean.
Okay, so she passed away in here?
Right where you&`&re sitting.
And I&`&m out.
Ahh.
Ah, the new car smell.
Or is it death?
Take me to the arcade. Step on it.
Excuse me?
Arcade... place for fun and games.
Step on it... to drive quickly.
I&`&m not taking you anywhere.
I guess somebody didn&`&t read his contract,
Which clearly States.
That you have to give me a ride.
Whenever and wherever I want.
You tricked me.
Here, I brought you a cute little cap to wear.
While you&`&re driving me around.
Hey, Spencer.
What&`&s up?
I just wanted to see if we were still on for tonight.
My mom&`&s working, so it&`&s just gonna be you and me.
That&`&s great.
And of course Charlie.
Oh, wait a minute.
Tonight? I totally forgot. I have a thing.
A thing? What kind of thing?
It&`&s a family thing. I can&`&t get out of it.
Oh really? Are you sure?
Honey, he&`&s not coming.
Now chop me up something and put it in the blender.
Hey, I thought you said you had a thing.
Yeah, but I think we need to talk.
Oh, okay. Come on in.
I&`&d rather do this out here.
Okay.
What&`&s going on?
Teddy, I don&`&t think this is working out.
What&`&s not working out?
Us.
Wait a minute.
Are you breaking up with me?
Yes.
Why?
Because of her.
Spencer, wait!
Spencer! Spencer!
It was just a dream.
Oh, Teddy honey, I almost forgot.
I&`&m gonna need you to watch Charlie after school.
I have a dentist&`&s appointment.
No, I can&`&t watch Charlie. I have plans.
I was gonna go surprise Spencer at work.
Teddy, I&`&ve had a temporary crown.
Since I was pregnant.
With you.
Mom, mom, mom, Charlie&`&s been driving Spencer and I apart.
And if I don&`&t go see him today,
Our entire relationship might be at stake.
Whoa. Okay, calm down here.
I was a teenager once. I know what you&`&re going through.
And I&`&m gonna say to you exactly
what my mom said to me in times like this...
Get over it.
That&`&s so unfair.
"" "Deal with it," She said to me.
You&`&re ruining my life.
I said to her.
Now I could give you the rest of the conversation,
But let&`&s just cut to the chase... you&`&re babysitting.
Strangling me is not gonna help.
Dad, dad, dad!
Hey! Hey!
Help me, dad!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What is going on?
He says he owns my car now.
You refused to take me where I wanted to go,
Which means you&`&re in violation of our contract.
What contract?
Here, read this for yourself.
Whoa, a lot of words here.
It clearly States.
PJ That if P.J. Doesn&`&t drive me wherever I want,
The old lady&`&s car is mine.
PJ P.J., you did sign it.
Dad, it isn&`&t fair. He tricked me.
Okay okay, all right, all right, here we go.
The hard part about being a dad...
Making the tough decisions, right?
So my decision...
53 Uh, check page five, third paragraph.
"·" "This contract is not subject. R= arbitration by Bob Duncan."
Huh.
PJ Sorry, P.J., my hands are tied.
Can I at least hurt him a little?
No.
Giddy-up.
Boy, you&`&ve really embraced the whole country Western thing.
I&`&ve never felt so alive, y&`&all.
I&`&m happy as a Turkey the day after Thanksgiving,
&`&cause it didn&`&t get killed and eaten...
Y&`&all.
Yeah, real country people.
Don&`&t say "Y&`&all" After every sentence.
I think you let them say what they want.
When they&`&re babysitting your sister.
Right. So Charlie&`&s upstairs taking a nap.
And when she wakes up, she might be a little hungry.
Don&`&t worry, partner. I&`&ll rustle her up some grub.
Okay, well,
I&`&d better hop in the saddle and mosey on down to the mall.
Before Spencer&`&s shift ends.
Yeah, it&`&s only cool when I do it.
What&`&s wrong with you?
You want the car? Here, take it.
I hope I never see it again.
? What are you talking about?
Okay, she&`&s in it.
Who is?
The old lady.
She did not go to heaven. She just went to the back seat.
Really?
You&`&re saying the old lady&`&s ghost is haunting your car?
No, she&`&s haunting your car.
What happened?
I was just driving.
And the radio goes on all by itself...
Classical music. I don&`&t listen to that.
Then I smell perfume...
Old lady perfume. I don&`&t wear that.
You&`&re crazy.
Dad, will you please tell him there&`&s no such thing as ghosts?
I wish I could, Gabe.
I wish I could.
You believe in ghosts too?
Well, I didn&`&t used to.
And then came the fontana house.
I&`&m telling you,
It seemed like a routine extermination...
A black widow nest up in the attic.
But the widow.
Turned out to be Mrs. Fontana...
The late Mrs. Fontana.
"Late" Means "Dead."
You guys are just trying to scare me.
I wish we were, Gabe. I wish we were.
2 Why are you saying everything twice?
I don&`&t know, Gabe.
I don&`&t know.
All right, enough. I don&`&t believe in ghosts.
That car is not haunted. And thank you.
Don&`&t say you weren&`&t warned.
And remember, if you go in that car,
Beware of classical music, smelly perfume...
And murder.
Dad, nobody was murdered in that car.
Not yet.
Don&`&t move. I&`&m in a relationship crisis.
This is your lucky day. I rarely move.
Spencer.
Teddy.
What&`&s going on? Are you cheating on me?
What are you talking about?
I saw you with your arm around that girl.
You&`&re cheating on me, aren&`&t you?
Attention, everybody.
Juice boy here is a cheater.
And he never gives me a full serving either.
Teddy, you&`&ve got it all wrong.
Oh, okay, so you just put your arm around.
All your customers, is that it?
No, I put my arm around my cousin.
Your what?
My cousin Skyler.
Oh.
Your cousin Skyler.
She seems nice.
It&`&s okay, everybody.
She&`&s just his cousin.
So return to your juices.
Look, my break&`&s over. Maybe you should go.
Yeah, sure. I&`&m sorry.
It&`&s okay.
I&`&m sorry.
I&`&m sorry too.
It&`&s the other kid who never fills it up.
My own car.
The open road,
Freedom, wind in my hair,
6 And it&`&s all just six years away.
Perfume? No way.
PJ Very funny, P.J.
PJ PJ P.J.? P.J.?
Get out of my car.
Get out of my car,
Little boy.
Who said that?
Or you can stay with me
Forever and ever and ever!
Mommy! Mommy!
Whew.
That went well.
Here, take your stupid car!
Hi. You&`&re Skyler, right? I&`&m Teddy.
Oh, right. I saw your picture in Spencer&`&s wallet.
Spencer keeps my picture in his wallet?
That&`&s sweet.
Of course I put it in there,
But it&`&s so sweet he didn&`&t throw it out.
What have you got there?
Pie on a stick.
Where did you get it?
"" Pie on a stick.
It&`&s just my way to say "I&`&m sorry" To Spencer.
Because I kind of freaked out earlier.
I didn&`&t know you two were cousins.
I thought you two were cousins.
No, Spencer&`&s my boyfriend.
No, Spencer&`&s my boyfriend.
Uh-oh.
So you two have met, huh?
Yeah, turns out we&`&re cousins.
Anything you want to say, Spencer?
A free sample?
Sure, I&`&d love one.
Mm, delicious.
You should try some.
Don&`&t forget dessert.
Hey, wait.
How could you?
I&`&m sorry. I can exp...
Just don&`&t.
Teddy honey, are you okay?
No.
Scoot over.
Look, I know this probably won&`&t make you feel better,
But I know what you&`&re going through.
So you had your heart broken too?
I did. By Warren snodgrass.
Warren snodgrass?
Yeah, he was a lot cuter than he sounds.
Anyway, I was madly in love with him.
And then one day out of the blue.
· He dumped me for Kim Brooks.
I was devastated.
So how did you deal with it?
I didn&`&t.
I was a mess, thought my life was over.
But then I started dating.
This tall, blond goof ball named Bob.
Dad?
· No, Bob diddlebock.
But he introduced me to dad.
Look, honey, the point is.
If I hadn&`&t had my heart broken,
I never would have met your father.
Then I would have never been born.
And I wouldn&`&t be so sad right now.
Oh, no no, honey.
Oh, it&`&s terrible, I know.
It stinks.
But you know what, babe?
It wil
PJ That&`&s nice, P.J.
You didn&`&t hear what he said, did you, dad?
That&`&s nice, Gabe.
PJ P.J., how is it good news that an old lady died?
It&`&s good news because now I can buy her car.
And they&`&re only asking $1000,
Which dad will help me out with.
No, I won&`&t.
Amazing. How do you only hear what you want to hear?
20 Hey, I&`&ve been married to your mother for 20 years.
It&`&s called survival.
700 Come on, dad, I&`&ve saved up $700.
All yo have to do is give me...
The rest.
No no. I&`&m your dad.
I&`&m not Santa claus and I&`&m not a bank.
Well, you&`&re built like both of them.
Dad, please please.
I really need my own car.
Driving girls around in the bug truck.
Just isn&`&t working.
Yeah, that&`&s what&`&s not working... the bug truck.
Look, P.J., I&`&m sorry, but I&`&m not gonna give you the money.
So I guess you&`&re out of luck on this one.
Way to go, dad.
You just took an old lady&`&s death.
And turned it into something sad.
Today&`&s all burnt toast
running late,and dad says
Has anybody seen my left shoe
I close my eyes, take a bite
Grab a ride, laugh out loud
There it is up on the roof
I&`&ve been there, I&`&ve survived
So just take my advice
Hang in there, baby,
Things are crazy
But I know your future is bright
Hang in there, Baby
There is no maybe
Eveything turns out all right
Sure life is up and down
But trust me, it comes back all around
You&`&re gonna love who you turn out to be
Hang in there, Baby
Good luck Charlie S01E20 Girl Bites Dog
Okay, Charlie. These are tools.
This is a screwdriver. And this is a hammer.
And if you play your cards right,
You&`&ll never have to use either of them.
Hi.
Hi. I brought you something from work.
"" It&`&s grape to see you.
It&`&s great to see you too.
"" Oh no, "Grape to see you" Is the name of the smoothie.
Wow, that is lame.
I came up with it.
And delicious.
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, so my mom&`&s gonna be home from work.
In, like, half an hour, and then we can start studying.
Oh, we were gonna study? I didn&`&t bring my books.
Perfect.
What&`&re you doing? Playing with tools, huh?
Ow.
Charlie, what are you doing?
That&`&s Spencer, not Gabe.
Ouch, she really got me.
Oh, I&`&m so sorry. That&`&s not like her.
It&`&s okay. She didn&`&t mean it.
Right, Charlie?
Who&`&s your buddy? Who&`&s your buddy?
Ow! She bit me.
Charlie.
Man, this really hurts.
I&`&m so sorry.
Maybe she thought you were yummy.
Maybe you guys should feed her.
We do feed her. I mean, I don&`&t,
But I assume somebody does.
I&`&d better go get this looked at.
I&`&m so sorry.
Oh, maybe we could not study some other time.
I&`&ll call you.
Okay.
Charlie, you chased my boyfriend away.
Are you happy now?
Charlie&`&s never done this before, like, with anyone.
Well, maybe Charlie senses there&`&s something wrong with Spencer.
You know what they say...
Dogs and kids are the best judges of character.
Yeah, what could possibly be wrong with Spencer?
He&`&s good looking. He&`&s smart.
He&`&s Captain of the football team.
And he likes me.
But how much do you really know about him?
Spencer could be hiding something. Everybody has a secret.
Oh yeah?
What&`&s your secret?
I love country music. There, I said it.
You do not.
Oh?
Check this out.
Oh yeah.
Come on, do it with me.
You know you want to.
Oh, what the heck.
To the left.
To the back.
Kick it.
What do you think, mom?
Wow, it&`&s...
It&`&s a car.
Where did you get it?
It used to belong to my friend&`&s grandma.
Oh, did she stop driving?
No, breathing.
She was on her way to a buffet.
And took a detour to heaven.
Oh no.
Luckily she was at a stop sign,
So there was no body damage... to the car, I mean.
Okay, so she passed away in here?
Right where you&`&re sitting.
And I&`&m out.
Ahh.
Ah, the new car smell.
Or is it death?
Take me to the arcade. Step on it.
Excuse me?
Arcade... place for fun and games.
Step on it... to drive quickly.
I&`&m not taking you anywhere.
I guess somebody didn&`&t read his contract,
Which clearly States.
That you have to give me a ride.
Whenever and wherever I want.
You tricked me.
Here, I brought you a cute little cap to wear.
While you&`&re driving me around.
Hey, Spencer.
What&`&s up?
I just wanted to see if we were still on for tonight.
My mom&`&s working, so it&`&s just gonna be you and me.
That&`&s great.
And of course Charlie.
Oh, wait a minute.
Tonight? I totally forgot. I have a thing.
A thing? What kind of thing?
It&`&s a family thing. I can&`&t get out of it.
Oh really? Are you sure?
Honey, he&`&s not coming.
Now chop me up something and put it in the blender.
Hey, I thought you said you had a thing.
Yeah, but I think we need to talk.
Oh, okay. Come on in.
I&`&d rather do this out here.
Okay.
What&`&s going on?
Teddy, I don&`&t think this is working out.
What&`&s not working out?
Us.
Wait a minute.
Are you breaking up with me?
Yes.
Why?
Because of her.
Spencer, wait!
Spencer! Spencer!
It was just a dream.
Oh, Teddy honey, I almost forgot.
I&`&m gonna need you to watch Charlie after school.
I have a dentist&`&s appointment.
No, I can&`&t watch Charlie. I have plans.
I was gonna go surprise Spencer at work.
Teddy, I&`&ve had a temporary crown.
Since I was pregnant.
With you.
Mom, mom, mom, Charlie&`&s been driving Spencer and I apart.
And if I don&`&t go see him today,
Our entire relationship might be at stake.
Whoa. Okay, calm down here.
I was a teenager once. I know what you&`&re going through.
And I&`&m gonna say to you exactly
what my mom said to me in times like this...
Get over it.
That&`&s so unfair.
"" "Deal with it," She said to me.
You&`&re ruining my life.
I said to her.
Now I could give you the rest of the conversation,
But let&`&s just cut to the chase... you&`&re babysitting.
Strangling me is not gonna help.
Dad, dad, dad!
Hey! Hey!
Help me, dad!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
What is going on?
He says he owns my car now.
You refused to take me where I wanted to go,
Which means you&`&re in violation of our contract.
What contract?
Here, read this for yourself.
Whoa, a lot of words here.
It clearly States.
PJ That if P.J. Doesn&`&t drive me wherever I want,
The old lady&`&s car is mine.
PJ P.J., you did sign it.
Dad, it isn&`&t fair. He tricked me.
Okay okay, all right, all right, here we go.
The hard part about being a dad...
Making the tough decisions, right?
So my decision...
53 Uh, check page five, third paragraph.
"·" "This contract is not subject. R= arbitration by Bob Duncan."
Huh.
PJ Sorry, P.J., my hands are tied.
Can I at least hurt him a little?
No.
Giddy-up.
Boy, you&`&ve really embraced the whole country Western thing.
I&`&ve never felt so alive, y&`&all.
I&`&m happy as a Turkey the day after Thanksgiving,
&`&cause it didn&`&t get killed and eaten...
Y&`&all.
Yeah, real country people.
Don&`&t say "Y&`&all" After every sentence.
I think you let them say what they want.
When they&`&re babysitting your sister.
Right. So Charlie&`&s upstairs taking a nap.
And when she wakes up, she might be a little hungry.
Don&`&t worry, partner. I&`&ll rustle her up some grub.
Okay, well,
I&`&d better hop in the saddle and mosey on down to the mall.
Before Spencer&`&s shift ends.
Yeah, it&`&s only cool when I do it.
What&`&s wrong with you?
You want the car? Here, take it.
I hope I never see it again.
? What are you talking about?
Okay, she&`&s in it.
Who is?
The old lady.
She did not go to heaven. She just went to the back seat.
Really?
You&`&re saying the old lady&`&s ghost is haunting your car?
No, she&`&s haunting your car.
What happened?
I was just driving.
And the radio goes on all by itself...
Classical music. I don&`&t listen to that.
Then I smell perfume...
Old lady perfume. I don&`&t wear that.
You&`&re crazy.
Dad, will you please tell him there&`&s no such thing as ghosts?
I wish I could, Gabe.
I wish I could.
You believe in ghosts too?
Well, I didn&`&t used to.
And then came the fontana house.
I&`&m telling you,
It seemed like a routine extermination...
A black widow nest up in the attic.
But the widow.
Turned out to be Mrs. Fontana...
The late Mrs. Fontana.
"Late" Means "Dead."
You guys are just trying to scare me.
I wish we were, Gabe. I wish we were.
2 Why are you saying everything twice?
I don&`&t know, Gabe.
I don&`&t know.
All right, enough. I don&`&t believe in ghosts.
That car is not haunted. And thank you.
Don&`&t say you weren&`&t warned.
And remember, if you go in that car,
Beware of classical music, smelly perfume...
And murder.
Dad, nobody was murdered in that car.
Not yet.
Don&`&t move. I&`&m in a relationship crisis.
This is your lucky day. I rarely move.
Spencer.
Teddy.
What&`&s going on? Are you cheating on me?
What are you talking about?
I saw you with your arm around that girl.
You&`&re cheating on me, aren&`&t you?
Attention, everybody.
Juice boy here is a cheater.
And he never gives me a full serving either.
Teddy, you&`&ve got it all wrong.
Oh, okay, so you just put your arm around.
All your customers, is that it?
No, I put my arm around my cousin.
Your what?
My cousin Skyler.
Oh.
Your cousin Skyler.
She seems nice.
It&`&s okay, everybody.
She&`&s just his cousin.
So return to your juices.
Look, my break&`&s over. Maybe you should go.
Yeah, sure. I&`&m sorry.
It&`&s okay.
I&`&m sorry.
I&`&m sorry too.
It&`&s the other kid who never fills it up.
My own car.
The open road,
Freedom, wind in my hair,
6 And it&`&s all just six years away.
Perfume? No way.
PJ Very funny, P.J.
PJ PJ P.J.? P.J.?
Get out of my car.
Get out of my car,
Little boy.
Who said that?
Or you can stay with me
Forever and ever and ever!
Mommy! Mommy!
Whew.
That went well.
Here, take your stupid car!
Hi. You&`&re Skyler, right? I&`&m Teddy.
Oh, right. I saw your picture in Spencer&`&s wallet.
Spencer keeps my picture in his wallet?
That&`&s sweet.
Of course I put it in there,
But it&`&s so sweet he didn&`&t throw it out.
What have you got there?
Pie on a stick.
Where did you get it?
"" Pie on a stick.
It&`&s just my way to say "I&`&m sorry" To Spencer.
Because I kind of freaked out earlier.
I didn&`&t know you two were cousins.
I thought you two were cousins.
No, Spencer&`&s my boyfriend.
No, Spencer&`&s my boyfriend.
Uh-oh.
So you two have met, huh?
Yeah, turns out we&`&re cousins.
Anything you want to say, Spencer?
A free sample?
Sure, I&`&d love one.
Mm, delicious.
You should try some.
Don&`&t forget dessert.
Hey, wait.
How could you?
I&`&m sorry. I can exp...
Just don&`&t.
Teddy honey, are you okay?
No.
Scoot over.
Look, I know this probably won&`&t make you feel better,
But I know what you&`&re going through.
So you had your heart broken too?
I did. By Warren snodgrass.
Warren snodgrass?
Yeah, he was a lot cuter than he sounds.
Anyway, I was madly in love with him.
And then one day out of the blue.
· He dumped me for Kim Brooks.
I was devastated.
So how did you deal with it?
I didn&`&t.
I was a mess, thought my life was over.
But then I started dating.
This tall, blond goof ball named Bob.
Dad?
· No, Bob diddlebock.
But he introduced me to dad.
Look, honey, the point is.
If I hadn&`&t had my heart broken,
I never would have met your father.
Then I would have never been born.
And I wouldn&`&t be so sad right now.
Oh, no no, honey.
Oh, it&`&s terrible, I know.
It stinks.
But you know what, babe?
It wil
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