S12e8: Andy Milberg – Exploring the Negative Love Syndrome

“It’s huge to find out that who you are is really not who you’re afraid you are,
and not all the patterns you’ve been acting out.” – Andy Milberg

Beloved Hoffman teacher, Andy Milberg, has been teaching the Process since August 1991. Bob Hoffman, founder of the Hoffman Process, trained Andy to become a teacher. One thing Andy is known for is his articulate, nuanced ability to explain the foundational theory of the Process – Negative Love.

Drew and Andy dive deep into the Negative Love Syndrome and how it plays out in our lives. Showing how nuanced this syndrome is, he shares that he is still discovering more subtle ways this plays out in his life, even these many years later.

Andy shares a fair amount of Hoffman history. He explains that Bob Hoffman was concerned with the pain human beings seem to experience and sought a way to be free of it. Bob asked two very important questions. The first was, “Why do seemingly rational adults continue to act out, automatically, compulsively, in self-defeating ways?” The second question was, Why is it so hard to change that behavior? Bob Hoffman discovered this fundamental theory by asking this second question.

When Andy did the Process in his early forties, his attitude toward himself was that this was how he’d always been. But at the Process he was quite happy to discover that how he was is not how he always has to be. He found, post-Process, that there was much more available to him after he broke free of the power his patterns had on him. There was space for new possibilities in his life. Andy explains that this is the kind of change Hoffman means in our tagline When you’re serious about change. You don’t become somebody different. Rather, you reclaim your potential and all you can be.

We hope you take away a deeper understanding of the poignancy of human nature and the possibility of reconnecting with your essential nature. You’ll want to bookmark this one so you can return to it.

More about Andy Milberg:

Andy did the Hoffman Process in July of 1990. He was immediately inspired to become a teacher, completing his training in August of 1991.

“Although I had done a lot of personal growth work before”, he says, “the Process went deeper in so many ways, showing me my blind spots and then teaching me how to move beyond them into my authenticity. It was an amazing gift I wanted to share with others, and still do, 35 years later.”

Andy spends most of the year in Ajijic, Mexico, with his wife and dog. He commutes to teach, while also coaching. In his spare time, he likes to play music and table tennis.

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As mentioned in this episode:

Bob Hoffman, Founder of the Hoffman Process

Listen to Andy’s previous episode on The Hoffman Podcast: Reflections on Teaching the Process.

The Negative Love Syndrome and The Path to Personal Freedom and Love:
•    Read the essay, The Path to Personal Freedom and Love.
•   Listen to The Path to Personal Freedom and Love.

John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds Us

Brenè Brown

The Negative Love Syndrome Map:

The Negative Love Syndrome and the Negative Love Syndrome map are integral to the Hoffman Process.**

At 24:49, Andy shares:
“There’s an inner circle, which is who we really are.” (This is the little heart in the center, within a circle.)

“Then there’s another circle, which is who we’re afraid we are, which, in Process terms, is that shame statement.” (This is the next circle out. It’s gray and labeled shame.)

“And because of that, there’s a bigger circle, which is who we want the world to think we are, so they don’t know that we’re the shameful person that we think we are.” (This bigger circle is comprised of the four yellow/gold rings. This is the false self they refer to.)

The good news is that we are neither our shame statement nor our patterns. We are Essence, our Spiritual Self.

22:22 Talking about the arrows:
The fourth section in blue is the area Andy and Drew talk about when Drew asks about the arrows, and Andy responds by speaking about addictions.

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**The Hoffman Process®, including the Negative Love Syndrome®, is protected worldwide as intellectual property, encompassing trademarks, copyrights, and trade secrets. The Hoffman Institute International owns the rights to all materials, concepts, and methodologies, and it is strictly prohibited to reuse or sell these materials, concepts, and methodologies.