Season 6, Ep 4 - Knight Applicant (w/ Gianmarco Soresi)

0:00Hi, I'm Gustavo Sorola, and if you love D&D Style Adventures full of humor and heart, you should check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Tales from the Stinky Dragon is a cinematic listening experience complete with guest performances from professional voice actors and comedians immersive sound design and its own musical score. Go on a thrilling journey with four friends and me, Gus, the very patient dungeon master, as we stumble through disastrous dice rolls, questionable roleplay decisions and even a few wholesome feel-good moments along the way. You can binge our first two campaigns or join us every other week for our latest third campaign. To start listening, you're guaranteed to have a sight-splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both D&D veterans and newcomers alike. Just search for Tales from the Stinky Dragon, wherever you listen to podcasts and subscribe today. The following podcast is not real.

1:17Not at all. If you're looking for a painstakingly accurate, carefully researched podcast, Radio Lab is just around the corner. Wait, no, the public restrooms are just around the corner. Radio Lab must be just around the corner and down one block, no, that's where the big recycling bin is. Where is Radio Lab? Ugh, those rascals. I love how they take a popular news story and then fix it with one billion sound bites and sound effects. It's like they finally manage to make listening an uphill battle. Anyway, if you want that, they're out there somewhere. If you want this, sit back and enjoy the show.

2:18Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arne E. Camp, the interim king of the Northeast. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know 11 and a half years ago. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical Magical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast chronicling my adventures in the Magical Land of Foon. Recently, I accidentally became King of the Northeast, but don't worry, I'm just going to be an interim king until I can find a better one. I am joined, as always. By my good buddy, he's an adorable little badger. He's head of the Kingsguard. He's got a great little sword. Shunt the talking badger. Beat-de-de-dee-dee. I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right. You know, there's so much that's asked of me as King, so I'm really looking forward to finding

3:18like a better King to protect the Kingdom. Oh, sure. Yeah, just sort of pass the duties on to them. Listen real quick, let me pull out my little pad of paper here. We have some envoys coming soon. Like trucks? I don't know what those are. Let me write that down so I can look into that. Thank you so much, my Leish. Envoys from House Nightwine and House Saltwound. Nightwine and Saltwound? That's correct, and they want to see your Magical Stick. A lot of people want to see that Magical Stick. Okay, and to be clear, listeners, that's not a euphemism. I have a magic stick that keeps everyone in Northeast USA. That's kind of the only reason that I am the King right now. So wait, although I probably should double check, that is what they're talking about when they say my Magical Stick, right? I believe so, that's what the letter said. But we should prepare the castle for, you know, for a company. Sure. How to house Nightwine and House Saltwound? How do they get along with each other? Yeah, they feel like they don't mix.

4:19They're like wine and salt. Yeah, terribly, terribly. A lot of bad blood, a lot of bad blood. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, actually most houses in food are just do not get along with one another. A long history, long history, yeah. Betrayal, marriage, divorce, side pieces, etc. In that order? Yeah, it's pretty sloppy. Betrayal, then marriage, then divorce, then side pieces. Wow. Bad real estate deals. Yes. I am also joined by my other co-host. He is the head wizard in the kingdom, USIDOR the blue. I am USIDOR the wizard of the twelfth realm of the fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights. Divir of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves know me as Fien Elich, the dwarves know me as Zonenhoog Stangies. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gascondis Mastar. And I am the first court appointed magician of the court of King Arne I the First. How you doing, bud? I am very well today.

5:20I ask my exciting news for you, Arne. It's time to hire the King's personal bodyguard. Yes, chunters the head of your King's guard, but we need to find a knight, a knight so stalwart and brave that they would be willing to die for you at any second. That if a thousand knives were being thrown at you, they would surely capture 999 of them. And one would like Nicky on the chin, giving you a very cool scar. The precision of that seems very difficult to pull off. Well, that's why we're going to interview people. I mean, we're not going to just take the first person who walks in here. Chun said he didn't want to do it, right? Chun? I mean, here's the thing. If I still have my magical abilities, I would be all over this, like for real, all over this. But Arne, I just can't. 999 knives. I can't do that anymore. Three. Maybe. Three, maybe. Yeah. Okay, maybe I do need someone a little better to guard me. And also, I just love the idea of gathering a collection of knights. Maybe we'll get a big table that they'll all sit around, shape that star-shaped table,

6:25something where they can kind of see each other, because they're all kind of like a different weird angles. Or like a rhombus, sorry, a rhombus table. I don't even know which shape that is, but maybe we'll figure all that out. Why don't we bring in one of these knights that we're interested in interviewing for the position? Very well. You, uh, uh, so night, please join us here at the table. Uh, hello, hello, gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you for gracing me with time to present myself. Oh, good job. It is our pleasure. Oh, good job. Please, introduce yourself and let us know of many of your great feats. Yes. My many feats. My name is Nikolo. Nikolo Pastor Smith. I am, to be honest with you, I was going to, I was going to lie about my many, many strengths. This is just, I really, I need, I need a job right now. Oh, sure. And I have a, there's a family situation going on and I, I need to provide and I, uh, I

7:30was listening it a little bit, you know, you need someone willing to, to, to put their life in the line for, for you, by the way, congrats on the king. Thank you. And to be honest with you, I think I'm ready to, to, uh, sacrifice myself. Should it be needed? I think, I think, honestly, my life's the best. So, so that, that's, might be best case scenario, but whatever it is, I'm, I'm ready to, to take a sword, a dagger, a dragon flame, wizard spell. It would put me out of my misery. So I, I do feel qualified in that sense. How interesting. There's a lot of pros and a lot of cons here. I love the fact that, I don't love the fact that you are spying, but I do love attention. So I don't know. Like, that's sort of a mix, a mix for me. Well, attention is what you're going to need. And, and if you hire me, uh, all you use to spying on other people. So perfect. So it becomes a pro. Yes. I mean, I think categorizing it as spying might be a little bit difficult. He was standing at the front of the line of nights.

8:32Right. I guess we are speaking into a microphone, like at the, at the front of this room. Right. Maybe it's not spying. I wasn't going to correct you, but please, whatever, whatever you want to call it. But that's still a wonderful skill. Uh, good night. One more time with the name. Let me just write this down on a scroll. Nikolo. Nikolo. Pasta Smith. Oh, I love that. Nikolo, I, sorry, uh, to cry. Uh, it's just part of the interview process. Of course. Uh, you said there's a family situation. Are the, are the Pasta Smiths in some sort of danger? Shall we send you good, so night and mine, self-agreate wizard and our head, King's Guard Chant to vanquish some dragon plaguing your family? Well, that's, that's one way to describe my father. But I, I, you know, I tried, I, I don't advertise it per se, but my family, the, the, uh, the Pasta Smith family, we, um, we make pasta. Oh, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't have guessed that. Yeah, yeah, you know, it's, it's the whole family tradition, not really my thing.

9:33Sure. But my, my father, uh, has used his, uh, many skills in, in the kitchen too. Uh, seduce many, many, many women from my, from my home city and, and we're, we're, basically, I have a lot of half siblings to feed back home. Sure. And my father's, you know, somehow, despite being a pasta maker, that never seems to be pasta at home for the family. So it's kind of on me. I'm the oldest to, uh, to just, to get a job or take a sword to the face. Oh, what are the other? Again, fine with either option. Yeah. Are you one of the pasta Smiths of pasta, Tim? Henikolo, we're going to pepper you with questions. You just say when? Yeah. I, I, I am who you speak. Again, it's a, it's a heavy, heavy legacy to wear. And, uh, I just have never been into pasta. I'm trying to watch my carbon take and it is very hard. It is very hard when that's all, all your father has made your entire life.

10:34Well, your father is a famous pasta maker, all over the land of food. Well known for his, for his, uh, book, teeny and his popper and, uh, incredible, uh, delicious food that he creates. And, uh, also well known for spreading his seed all over the land. Of course, I've heard of, uh, Luigi, uh, pasta Smith. Yes. The Ouija pasta Smith. As I call him, dad, it, it, it's, uh, he's very well known. He's invented a lot of the past as you know. I'm really trying to pivot away from that. I, I'm thinking about changing my last name because people just, people here, pasta Smith and I get it. They think pasta. So I'm, I'm thinking about it. Yeah, just looking at you, I'm getting so hungry. I'm getting so hungry. And your armor sort of reflects, it feels like your shin guards are like little niokies and it looks like you have a raviolo sort of chest plate. Like, it looks like the armor is, this is like a family heirloom. Unfortunately, it's, it's kind of a, a branded thing.

11:37We were, we were trying, you know, the factory's gotten so big. We have kind of, we have a security force and to be honest with you, I, I just, I just borrowed whatever I could find. Uh, that's, that's as you can see, the chest plate is a little bit too small, but, uh, I figured that if I got the job, you know, I, I imagine you have your own suit of armor or please, I don't, we could, we could supply you with a new armor. So we can swap in your spaghetti sword for a real sword. Yes, it's not a very good weapon at all. It breaks immediately. You do look like walking macaroni art that a kindergartener would make. Yes, that's, that's, it's not great armor. Per se, it's more an aesthetic choice, but I, I, I do worry. This would not be very intimidating if anyone's trying to, to, to just throw hot water on me and, and break right through. I'm caught in my intrusion, but again, we're just interviewing you for this job. It's a job interview. You don't have to apologize. It's a novel for you for something. Of course, it, but this is a normal line of questioning for this sort of job.

12:39Have you tried talking to your father? This is the father portion of the interview, just to traditionally like talking a lot about your dad. Yeah, I guess I try talking to him sometimes, but I just get so frustrated with him. It just feels like he doesn't listen to me. So when I say, Dad, I don't want to make the ravioli this morning. I, I have other interests than pasta. He just goes like, all right, well, we can talk about when you're done making the ravioli. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not, he's, he's listening, but he's not hearing. Yes, that's a good way to put it. Hmm, very, very insightful. Now, so I assume that you have cast off this pasta life, set out upon the world for a great adventure, found foes to banquish and lovers to bed and have made a great name for yourself and the times that you've left the pasta making business. I guess that's my five year plan for sure. Hmm, I, I, to be honest, whenever I've, I've been so lucky to bring a, a last around the

13:45factory, my, my father, she swoops in. He swoops in and, and, you know, he's, he's Luigi. He's Luigi. And that sounds like a lot. Arnie, it sounds like, um, what do you call it when you tell a stories of earth? It sounds like a John Favreau in chef situation. Yes, exactly. As I remember it, yes, a, John Favreau in chef situation where he makes pasta for scarlet, Johanton and beds her. Yes, I think that happens. That doesn't sound right. You always tell the stories, Arnie. Anyway, uh, well, I suppose we should take a quick break, uh, and we'll come back in just a moment with Nikolo Pasta Smith. Oh, I'm going to be in the intro. I've never done a job interview with a break. That's great. Yeah, quick break. Uh, feel the, get up, stretch your legs, use your hands. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Tip yourself. Welcome to this drama.

14:46There's two of them following me. I know that for sure. And over the package and we'll let you go. You'll let me go. Oh, that's cute. Oh, the first bullet hits me in the chest, sends me staggering back a step. This drama. In a dystopian city, a struggling career is forced to go into business with an underworld ganglord in order to pay for the treatment that keeps him alive. Check out the strata in your Eulish and the podcast. Nikolo, I'm sorry we spent so much of this interview talking about your father. Um, I'm sure you're tired of living in his pasta making, sex having shadow. I'd be happy to talk about him for the next couple hours. I've never really analyzed this relationship to be honest with you. I just have been suffering through it immensely. Oh, Nikolo sort of laying down on the couch here. Okay. Nikolo, is that fine? I'm just, yeah, I took the armor off. I'm just, I just want to show for a second. And there are some tissues there just in case you need them, you know, do you have any?

15:48I'm just going to, this is going to sound so stereotypical. Do you have any pasta? Uh, I swear. Oh, yeah. Dr. Pence, please go get some pasta. Go get it. You know what? Also, while we talk, I'm going to have one of the servants go by the door and just make white noise. So if anyone's in the waiting area, they won't over here. What we're talking or, or red noise, whatever you prefer. Um, so your father, what's your earliest memory of your father? My gosh, my earliest memory, my father. I remember him and my, my mom. This is before the divorce, obviously. They were sharing a bowl of pasta and I had a moment where they thought that they were eating the same, uh, you know, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, strand of strand. Yeah, I wasn't going to use the strand for the layman. No, sure. Uh, the same strand of, of spaghetti. And in fact, my father had set it up so that when he kept eating it went to another table and he kissed another woman. And, and this was again, one of his new inventions.

16:50He thought it would be cute. My mom was furious. She, she flipped over the table and, uh, that's, that's what I, that was my first memory. Was it a table hitting me and the head? No. I, I wasn't wearing this linguine helmet. Yeah. So I heard that. I mean, that sounds hard. I, I just want you to know that, uh, though these memories may be difficult, uh, for you, uh, now you have a great purpose. Just put the fort to defend this incredible king, King Arnold the first. Did you know that he comes from another woman? I had heard tell, but, but this world, what, what is it like? Is it different from ours? Oh, that's a good question. Do they do, do they have, do you know what pasta is? Have you heard, like, is this a foreign dish to you? Um, well, we do have pasta on my world and it has all kinds of, um, great names that are very similar to some of the ones that you said actually now that I think about it.

17:52Like what? Um, well, all of them, all of them right now. Yeah, all of, we have, we have all of them. We got everything on my world. Uh, we also have, hmm, how do I explain this? You know how so much love and care goes into the making of the pasta on this world? On my world, you can just get it out of a can. Out of a can? Yeah, out of a can. And then you kind of heat it up and it, wait, hold still, it'll bring it to you out of horseback? They don't bring it to you on horseback. No, you, you keep it in like a cupboard in your house and then you forget that it's there. And then when you're too lazy to do something else, you're like, I guess I'm going to open this can of pasta, Roni or, or, or chef boy or D or something like. Roast. But then didn't you also say your favorite Italian restaurant is the Olive Garden in Times Square? Sure. Well, look, they're all of garden. That sounds, that sounds like paradise. Well, already tell them about the magical bread basket. Well, they have endless breadsticks.

18:54So from a wizard. Well, I mean, I don't, in truth, I think it's at the breadsticks are just cheaper to make than everything else. So they use this to feed the world a basket of endless breadsticks. That's a good point, Roni. Why is there so much hunger on your world if they, if they have endless breadsticks? Do the starving people not like Italian? A lot of people don't like Olive Garden if I'm being honest, but I'm sure that that doesn't have anything to do with it. I'm not really interrogated. Why do they not like it when you're there? Do you feel like a stranger? Here's the thing. You're not going to believe this. It's the exact opposite. When you're there, you're family. Oh, and then you get angry because your father's sleeping with someone. That's what I was wondering. That sounds like a nightmare. I would like to go to a place where I'm a pure stranger. I don't know anyone there. That's my family. Yeah. Olive Garden in Times Square, you probably do hear people angry about that a lot. Like people are like, yeah, why are you sleeping with people? My dad would love it there. Nikolo, what's your relationship like with your mother now?

19:55Is she still in the picture at all? She's there to be honest. We have a, I get along with her, but she kind of reacted so poorly to my father and his pastime, making that the food's terrible. Where is the pastime? Her problem is the pastime, not the affairs. I mean, she just, it's clear that my dad was the one who had the pastime making skills. My mom, more in marketing and marketing does, is not a good meal make. Sure. So, it's unfortunate that's gone in the way of our relationship, but she's dating. She's dating. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I mean, I'd like to separate if I get this job. I don't want to assume, but please don't hit on my mother. Oh, wow. I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm promise. Is she, could you draw us a picture of her or start her anything? I keep one in my pocket. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay. What the hell? Listen, she's, she's, I don't mean to offend.

20:57She's strictly into, to human beings. No offense, no offense. Oh, fuck. She's in marketing. That's the hottest woman I've ever seen. That's really. Yeah. Okay. She's in marketing. Although, did she draw this herself? If she's in marketing, did she draw this herself? I feel embarrassed. I drew her and now I, now I feel offended. I didn't mean to draw her this sexily. You drew this. Yeah. Look at her. Ah, you drew that. What look in her eye? It's just a circle and a dot. I mean, it's a crew drawing, but there's a, there's a, there's just a pent-up sexuality in this crew drawing. No, no, you're, you're, you're adding that. This is, this is a sweep drawing of, of, of, of, of, of almost borderline asexual woman. I need to look at the curve of that triangle-shaped dress. I don't know. She's pouring olive oil on herself. I mean, am I crazy? Are we crazy? Necklace. But trust me, it doesn't take much to get these two going. So you've done nothing wrong. Thank you.

21:57That really, that really creeped me out. Yeah, she's pouring olive oil on herself. That's, that's, how do you bathe? Oh, that's probably good for the skin, I guess. Oh, yeah, right. Keeps it fairly supple. Well, I, now, let's move on to the portion of the interview. Will we talk a little bit more about what you plan to do as a knight? Uh, so how are, how are your sword skills, for instance? Well, I have, as I said, I have, I have a lot of younger, uh, have siblings. So, so I would say I've used a broomstick. Okay. Mostly unarmed children. And in terms of like, you know, I asked on the way here to be out. I was like, all the, am I supposed to pick up a sword once before I go to the interview to defend the king? They're heavy. They are heavy, yeah. They're, they're heavier than a broomstick with the, with the brush part taken off. So I can figure it out. Okay. I think it's about momentum. You know, I just, if I can get a running start, I can get a good swing in there.

22:59We have some swords here if you would like to kind of just like, please. Please. The figures crossed on the natural was, let's find out together. Yeah. John, do you mind getting something from the armory? Of course, of course. Also, here is your penne from the kitchen. Here you go. And let me just bring out some of the swords here. Okay. Here is a cloth with three different swords laid out. If you want to pick one. Oh. Well, I just, I just ate all this penne. Oh, you're, oh, yes. Yeah, you should, she should fight so really. I feel conflicted. I want to, I want to really do well in this interview. I mean, I can stop eating, but then it's going to be cold. No, you're so skinny. No, it's fine. You're so skinny. He eats. Okay, okay, okay. Why don't you come around more often? You should get married. Why are you married? Why am I not married? You should get married. Yes. Oh, I'm not married. I, it's, it's, I'm not really a, a, a very appealing prospect right now. I have no job. My, my father is a, a serial and, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, I don't speak to my mother.

24:03I, apparently, I'm sexually attracted to her. So it's tough. It's been tough to, to kind of get out there. Sure. But with the job, who knows, who knows? Also everyone in your village is probably related to you. Yeah, but it's just half. Yeah, just half on it. Yeah. Haven't I had any drawings of like average woman in the village, maybe? Uh, let's see it. Let me, I got, oh, here's, here's one. This is a, this is a, our neighbor. What? There's so much. Oh. It's the hottest woman I've ever seen. Hatter than my mom? Oh, well, it's maybe a dead heat. That's pretty attractive. I'm not going to, yeah. Well, look, let's move on from the sword part of this and let's do some other nightly things. How was, how were your horseback riding skills? They are pretty strong from all the pasta delivery and oftentimes my, my father, you know, he goes to deliver the pasta and then, you know, it takes a couple of minutes, too long.

25:06He comes running out. He says, go, go, go. He's home. He's home. And I got it. I got to get that horse moving. And of course, we, you know, we're dragging along the pots of boiling water. Sure. I'm sure that's how they do it. Where you're from already. Wait, you, you're boiling the, you're cooking the pasta on the horse ride? You're cooking fresh pasta on the how else would you do it? People do it wrong. I don't want to be judgy. This penny is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my entire life. Yeah. Get this out of here. Get it out. Thank you. It sucks to say the whole thing before you said that. Well, I had to be sure. I couldn't believe it. Mm hmm. But I got real good at the bottom. Listen, maybe this is my, my mother coming out, but, but you really got to try pasta with this, because you're missing out already. And the king, a king should have better food than that crap, you know? I'll bring it over myself. Oh, thank you. That would be great. That would be wonderful. Yeah.

26:06That's one of the cost-calling. There don't seem to be many women here. So I, I don't think my father will cause any trouble. Oh, don't worry. He will. There are, that's one positive. You excellent horse riding skills. Just equestrian. Okay. Yes. What about, have you owned any titles as a knight? Do you ever serve as a squire to, to learn the ways of the knight? I've, I've seen, I've seen knights from afar. Okay. I've, I've certainly, on the way in here. I, um, listen, some of it's going to be figured out on the job. Okay. But, but I just, I really do think I'm willing to sacrifice myself. And I think you're going to get a lot of knights with a lot of skills, but they value their lives. I don't value my life at all. Sure. God, sure. And I think that's a big plus for what you want. Yeah, maybe. At this point in the conversation, you know, we've had a sort of like slightly fair pizing

27:09tone. You know, I'm like legally bound to sort of report that you've, you can make whatever law you want. That's true. I'm just saying that you've expressed some sort of suicidal ideation that I feel like we should at least dig into a little bit. Sure. I think that's what makes me qualified to be your guard. Yes, that's true. What do you, do you want someone who comes in and says, Oh, I love life. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. That's a great point. Well, I'm going to be honest, Nicola. I think it's a balance. I think it's a balance of, uh, fighting to protect life and being willing to take a broke stance and look down the barrel of evil and say, nay, not today evil. You shant, win. You may take mine life, but you shall not take the life of my leg. I, this king Arnold shall stand for a thousand years. Well, we're on the same page with the take mine life. Will you put you look down the barrel and say fine.

28:09And in that moment, you flee. Yeah. You could say take mine wife. You could say take mine life. Please. Well, I'm going to have to therapist you. What was that take my wife? Is everything okay with you? Sorry. Well, I don't like that. I don't really talk about it on the podcast, but back on earth, I did, you know, I did go through a divorce, but we, we, I tried to keep my personal life outside of the podcast. This and everyone tries, but ultimately they all capitulate. So tell you, you had a divorce. That's, listen, you're talking to the right guy. This, it's, yeah, divorce is tough. Yeah. On the children, you get hit and head by a table. Yeah. You know, well, why do we, why do we take a quick break? And would you be up for doing a little role playing about some of the things that a night might have to do? I, that's, that's what I'm here for. Let's do it. Okay. Perfect. Yeah. Chant. Yeah. Since you were like, you know, the head knight here, you're the head of the King's Guard.

29:12Do you mind sort of role playing with Nikolo a little bit about some of the situations he might be in as a night? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. I got this. Okay. And I can play any swing characters if you need like a troll or a dragon. Swing. Oh, yes. Could you be like, could you be like a tree? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got that. Okay. So I'll be hiding behind the tree. Nikolo. Nikolo. Nikolo. If you could just kind of approach this tree here. Do I have to pick up one of the swords? And pay no attention to this tree, but it's just but the normal tree, not magical in any way, though it's branches. Raise. Okay. Okay. Okay. You said, hey, you said or yeah, yes, you're just you're just a non talking tree, not a non-talking tree. Yeah. So in this role, you just yeah, just arms up your tree. What's my motivation? Grow more roots. Grow more roots. Yeah. Okay. Just you know, in that scenario, if a tree was talking, I was ready to attack him. Just putting out there. Good.

30:13I'm very suspicious. Any vegetation that starts speaking, I'm ready. Yeah. Good. Perfect. Great. In the kitchen, that's a life saver. Okay. So you're approaching the tree and then I pop out. Ha ha. Give me your king. I'm going to I'm going to eat your king. Take my life. What? Come on. Come on. Everybody do it. Take my life. Back up. Back up. Back up. Okay. He's got to be really over yourself. He's trying to don't impale yourself on my sword. We can top through this. I I I told I please just put me out of my misery. What's the worst? Take me instead. Take me instead of the king. What? You're who are you? Are you are you someone? Are you a prince? Are you a nickel apostasy Smith? Please don't ask about it. Just just do it. Can I see a picture of your mother or drawing of your mother? Yes. Here's a picture of my mom. She's great. Whoo. Okay. Wow. That was intense. I didn't hesitate to put my life on the line.

31:14Yeah. I actually started drawing my feet into the ground. You saw crushed you crushed it. Great job. Did you do the great job in your story? Already how do you feel? I feel like you know my character who was trying to capture you was really thrown by the fact that Nikolo was just sort of like really rushed really rushed the quarterback. Yeah. And I got to say I do appreciate that he turns his weaknesses into strengths like he kind of run running and true to off pretty fast with his sort of his neediness to be stabbed. Can I tell you I had an idea. Again, I'm really learning on the job here. But this picture of my mom, it's kind of a weapon in and of itself. It's a tool of distraction. I did drop my sword. I did drop my sword. Yeah, it was as much as I don't love just putting it out there. I don't love leaning on my mother's sexuality for work purposes. I've always said that that's a rule of mind not for work, not for work.

32:17It was on your resume under special skills. We see willing to shave and don't want to use my mom as sexualized etc. Yeah, I added a please don't in my special skills. It's just it's I didn't know where else to put it. And skills that I have but I don't want to utilize basically section of your resume. Yeah, so maybe again someone's attacking you. You know first I take a picture of my mom that distracts them. And then if they are over it or maybe they're not attracted to women, then they could kill me. And then your next on the chain, but that's two things to run away. It brings up a very good point. Not everyone is attracted to him. Do you happen to have a picture of your father? Yeah, of course. Just give me a second. I keep it in a special case. This one's pretty I got it unfolded all it's there it is. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay.

33:17Yummy. Oh, it's the hottest. And we're seen. I thought that scroll was so long because he was tall, but no, it was it's the other direction. Oh, salt me daddy. Oh, Papa. Papa pasta. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know. You both all three of you were bisexual. That's great. I think that's a that's. I'm just an art lover. I just appreciate art. Mm hmm. That's what they all say in the beginning. I so now so maybe if a bill of someone comes attacks the castle, I shout out. Wait to our our yee gay straighter boat. And then depending on how they answer, I pick with drawing. And again, if they get over that distracted, sacrifice myself, you run away. Yeah. Or they'll or they'll yell back like you can't ask me that. And that's just more time for me to get away. Boy time. I'm here to give you time to flee. Yeah. Now this may seem like a random question that doesn't belong in this interview, but do you happen to have a picture of you've already drawn of a Pegasus? I yeah, I do. I that's that's what the satchel is basically is mostly drawings.

34:18It's just something I do for like a hobby. Okay. It's spilling out of all of your pockets and out of the satchel. I can't tell you the world's most incredible artist or if everything and everywhere around you is just unbelievably hot. Well, I I'd like to think it's a skill, you know, but actually I realized I was looking for the Pegasus. It's turned the resume around. You'll see the Pegasus right there. Oh, Pegmaias. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. That's a sexy Pegasus. Oh, yeah. And your majesty, I must beg an audience with you. This Nicolo is an incredibly talented artist, able to make anything and the most beautiful and desirable creature one is air seen, could be a waste to put in the role of taking the same thing of your personal bodyguard. Yeah. I was hired in to paint your portrait. Well, I'm told. I don't know if I need like a powerfully erotic portrait of me.

35:18Although, do I? Yes. Do I run away from that side of myself? Maybe I'd like to clear that. Just to clear, I'm not going for powerfully erotic. I'm just drawing what I see and I mean, I could try. I, you know, I have some extra paper here. I could, I could give it a go right now. You do a quick sketch of them of the king and see what we get. Yeah, absolutely. It's all starting to make sense. Nicolo, you have a strange relationship with your family. You don't really like any other skills. You are depressed. That's true. I think you're an artist. I think you're calling as an artist. All right. Well, let's see. I put the finish in. And apologies for Arnie saying you have a strange relationship with your family. That's, oh, that's right. I didn't mean that. I've been insulting. And also, while Nicolo is here painting a portrait, you can paint portraits. The year after year, day after day, it could be a constant source of income for you. But also, if someone were to attack you, he could still serve as a bodyguard.

36:18Take that sword just like you did before. Arnie, do you, King Arnie, forgive me. Would you like to be dressed as you are now or in the nude like the one of my father? How about I'm wearing pants, but no shirt? Okay. Maybe I'll escape word sunglasses. Ooh, I'm trying, how would I describe escape word? I'm standing on a plank of wood that has wheels on it for some reason. I'm wearing a mask over just my eyes that makes me look cool. Right. Can you describe your nipples for me? No. Or just show. I would say normal size, but if you've ever seen a live show, a little too pokey. Just a little too much. All right. All right. So like my mom's. Oh, my God. All right, are you ready? I think so. Hey. All right. Oh, boy. Wow. Chee-bacchee. Holy cow. That's the me I want to be.

37:20Your majesty. Uh, you must hire this individual. They are perfect to become your artist and bodyguard. No, you know what? You know what I want to do? I don't want to waste you on dying. I don't want to waste you in a certain, a job that isn't your calling. Like I have as a king, you know, we have coffers. We have money. I want to be a patron of the arts in the same way that listeners of this show can sponsor this show by joining our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Smooth. Do you make sexy portraits of your listeners as well? Oh, I guess. I guess. We're thinking about starting a new tier for that. Yeah. We'll figure that out. We'll figure that out on the discord. There'll be a lot of discussion on discord if our patrons want that. But Nikolo, what kind of money would it take to sort of set you up to just make art for I don't know the next couple of years? My therapy bills are quite expensive. Sure. Yeah.

38:21So it's going to be a couple. What does my therapist take again? They accept rupees. Humbly gold, rupees. Okay. Rubeuse gold. Cash app. So I'd say just 20 whatever is a day. Okay. Don't feed me any of that terrible pasta. I really, the food has to be a little better. But then 20 whatever's you pick the unit and I'm sure I can work it out. Great. Also an artist barely understands money clearly an artist. Your majesty, have you set on a new currency for your reign as king? Is that going to be called duckets or? Arnie Decoins or some kind of coins or yeah. I could draw the picture to put onto the coinage. Oh, yeah. We could start there. We'll call it fuck money. Don't know how to make coins. Arnie, fuck money. No, fuck money has a nice ring to call it. Fuck money. But here's the thing. I will say like, ethically, I feel like a leader should never want to put their own

39:22name or image on their own currency. Thank you. The idea of a sexy picture of myself on the coin, like not too sexy. Do you want to do it by my father and mother? We could just do coins with my father and mother on it. Okay. You've got your father and mother are so foregrounded in your mind. I know we've asked you a lot of questions about them. You'd bring it up a lot. I feel kind of accused like we didn't talk. You didn't ask me 20 questions about it. Did we bring it up? You seem so interested. I thought I would have put them on the coins. As I remembered, I was sort of like, what are your skills? And you talked about your dad and your mom for like 40 minutes. I just think if they were on coins, that would probably be the only way I could have them together with me. Oh my gosh, it's so sad. That's the saddest short story I've ever heard was what we just said. But we still call it fuck money then? Yes. Fuck bucks. Fuck money. Fuck bucks. Fuck it's. Fuck it's. Let's, Arnie, let's, come on.

40:24Could just even be a limited edition coin. Okay, we're pretty much out of time. But let's only do like 20 or 30 more names of this money. Okay. Fuckies. Fuckies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lyra, L-E-E-R-A. Oh, like you're leering at it. I see. Fuck pounds. Fuck. Goonloons. Arnie, do you have a couple, right? I don't know why I said that. Okay, okay, okay. That's all I have. Canadian fucks. Well, congratulations, Nicola. I'm joining our court. You are now the official court artist under the first king Arnold. And I, I'm sorry. Dough, my cap to thee. And if any of you want to drawing of you, I will make it. But I just want to reiterate, it's not supposed to be erotic. It's just supposed to be you. You're adding it. It's not me. It's you. This will be the real test. Once you paint all of our portraits and the entire court's portraits, if any of them

41:25aren't sexy, you know something's wrong with that one. Once again, you're adding everything to it. I'm just doing a regular, a regular drawing. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying you have a highly erotic lens on your art. Very beautiful. It's gorgeous. Your artwork is impeccable. You should be very proud. Sure. You think I could draw a square and you'd be attracted to it. Try it. Try it. Okay. Okay. What do the nipples look like? There's four. One at each corner. Um, pepperoni sized. Great. Not the Horeola's the nipples. Here we go. Wow. Oh, fuck. I'm going to get a square. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm starting to realize it's an us thing. It's, we've got a problem. We've got to get girlfriends. We've got to get girlfriends this season. Is that a, I guess that's a season arc. Oh, I can spoil that story arc for you right now.

42:32They do not get girlfriends. Because I'm here to protect the barrier between worlds and stop those three from bothering the ladies. And I'm all out of dimensions to protect. Especially since there's only one. Just as you know, the wizard was played by Matt Young. John the talking badger was played by Adolfo. Nikolo Pasta Smith was played by special guests. John Marco Soraci. Check out John Marco's podcast the downside. His current stand up tour and his new hour long craft work special he don't miss. Available on YouTube to learn more about all of that and more. Visit johnmarcoceraci.com or follow him on socials. Below for the magic tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the magic tavern patreon patrons get ad free episodes all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. And there's a quarterly meet and greet with supporters as well. Don't worry I never get invited. Here's a clip from the most recent one two weeks ago. Batch the trippin you are our next guest.

43:33Matt. Hey, how are you? Good. I'm batch the pronouns that spark joy are he him they them. And I consent to being recorded and I consent to you entering my nightmares or dreams. Whichever school finally yes, yes. The next really scary dream you have that is not like. Now you know what I'm not even going to go further down. That's bad. I was going to say whatever scary dream you have is us. I don't know. I don't want that to be the case. My scariest dream I was being it was like Pennywise and Rodney Dangerfield they were trying to get me and their old Lincoln with them. Oh wait, that's us. Yeah, that is us. Yeah, that's got us all over it. I can feel that. Thanks for being here tonight. Did you? We'll close up here. Am I right? Yeah. So when I started listening. I mean, my child, please. Yes. That was recorded two weeks ago.

44:37And this is the first time hearing about it. To hear the rest, I'm sure it's a treat and learn more about supporting the show. Visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refei. Any one of them could have invited me to the meet and greet but chose not to. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Albert LeBan. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poehnland.