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So we do words every week and we've done such beautiful words.
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We've done clarity and openness and acceptance and today this word came from I was in a stuck
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in an airport trying to get to Washington DC on Friday and it was sort of one of those
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nightmare experiences.
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At some point in the nightmare of the two council flights, I got the message that someone
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threw up in the jet way and we had to wait for Hazmat to come, it's like oh this is not
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Anyways I didn't make it that night I had to take a red eye, but in the process Aaron
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and I were texting, what are we going to do on Tuesday and I just put out there like
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in a joking way annoyance and then some other words and that's the one that you chose.
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So annoyance, yeah, and it's actually kind of a perfect word because annoyance is
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happened to us all the time all day long and what turns an annoyance into something
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that kind of overwhelms us is actually not about the annoyance itself, right?
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Because if you ever think about that sometimes your mom or your dad could be really annoying
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Other times they're not annoying, like they're not annoying.
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So what's the difference?
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And when we look at it from a psychological perspective, there's two major variables in
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One is your capacity, like what is your capacity to handle the annoyance and your capacity
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has everything to do with stressors in your life, heat, one of the reasons why they're
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worried about global warming is that for every 10 degrees warmer that it gets, there's
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a 9% increase in violence.
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Like we're going to become like a violent culture.
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There's way more crime on hot days.
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And so heat, I mean, right, your capacity decreases if you're overheated.
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Being overly hungry can impact your capacity.
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There has been studies where they've looked at judges and judges offer more parole in
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the morning and right after lunch.
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And later in the day, you're more likely to get a sentence.
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They're just being hungry, you're kind of meaner.
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There's also been studies that have looked at sleep.
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So if you have a poor night's sleep and you wake up in the morning and you walk in the
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kitchen and you see your partner, you're more likely to interpret them as being hostile.
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So these are the things that impact your capacity.
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And if you think about being annoyed, annoyance has to do with your biology.
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But the thing that really is interesting about annoyance is that probably the biggest
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thing that impacts our annoyances is our story.
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And sometimes I'll work with couples and you'll see this trend with couples and maybe you
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could even notice this in a trend with a family member where there's some kind of incident
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And it's sort of just a thing, like somebody forgets to, excuse me, something happened
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in my family recently, somebody forgets to pick up something, right?
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You take the incident and then you turn it into, you pull upon the history of all the
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other times that this has happened and then you turn it into a trend and then it turns
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into the story and the story is a mismatch for your expectation for the experience.
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And when you're caught in a story and you have low capacity, you're more likely to be
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So I liked Terry Ruehl, who's a couples therapist, one of the people that was at this conference
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that I was presenting at.
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He says that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
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And that, I think that's what annoyance is like.
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We get annoyed, we get irritated and we think that in some way our irritation or complaints
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will cause things to improve.
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And so we get from the incident to the threat, we go into a story and then we try and make
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it go away and fix it by complaining about it.
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Either our inner complaints or our outward complaints.
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So I was stuck in the airport and I went to the American Airlines customer service and
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at the American Airlines customer service was weighed.
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And Wade was sitting in this chair at this computer with this long, I mean, the whole
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Everyone has their very important reason that they need to get somewhere and everybody's
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reason feels like the most, like my reason was more important than your reason.
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And I'm waiting in line and there's Wade.
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And Wade looks at me and he's like, I haven't taken my 15-minute break.
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I get fit to 15-minute breaks every day.
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This is Phoenix Airport and so he's waiting to take it.
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So another American airline person comes in and Wade goes, I need to take my 15-minute
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I'm like, I need to get on a flight and the American Airlines person gives Wade a
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Just make it through the next half hour and then I pause and I was like, I was ready
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to go into my complaint and I'm like, I have to get on, I tell my whole story, I have
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to get on the flight.
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He's like, we're going to have to take a red eye and unfortunately you're going to be
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in the middle seat in the back.
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I'm like, but I'm presenting tomorrow at seven, you know, whatever I have a presentation,
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you're going to arrive at seven, you're going to present.
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So then I paused and I noticed the story that I was in and the story that I was in was
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that my flight and my arrival was more important than Wade and anyone else's flight and their
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And I stopped and said, okay, is that true?
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The person that's next to me that wants to get on their thing or the person in front
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of me or whatever, is that true?
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And you can think about this for when you are stuck in an annoying situation where you
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start to tell yourself things like, I can't handle this, it'll always be this way.
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They're not, I am not, I always, is it true?
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And then can you allow it to be what it is?
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So then I asked Wade, I said, tell me about what you do on your 15 minute break.
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And he said, I do a loop.
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I have a loop around that's a one mile or like, I guess less than a mile.
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He said one mile, but there's no way it can be a mile.
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There's no way Wade can walk a 15 in a while.
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So I do this loop around the Phoenix Airport and I said, oh, show it to me.
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So he told me about this loop.
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Long story short, I'm like, okay, connecting with Wade and then I, and then he says, what
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are you going to go present?
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I'm presenting on movement and blah, blah, blah.
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And he said, I'm going to move you to the exit row.
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So he moves me up, but the moral of the story is that when I returned back through the
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Phoenix Airport less than 24 hours later, I saw Wade walking the loop.
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And it made me realize everyone's in their own life experience and no person's experience
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is better than other.
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And when we are annoyed, we're separate.
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We've separated ourselves.
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So can we notice the story we're in, allow it to be exactly as it is, open up and connect?
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And can we also recognize that the threats that we think are threats to safety or a sense
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of self or control or connection are actually not threats.
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There's always an opportunity in the present moment to be with what is.
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So when we do our meditation today, we're going to do an interesting practice of opening
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to what is and holding both the object of the annoyance, but also opening, expanding
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to just the presence that is here without having to choose, that we can have the annoyance,
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we can have the frustration that are with our partner or our family member or frustration
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with life itself not going our way.
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But that we can tap into reality.
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And then when we increase our capacity to be with what is, then we can tolerate all sorts
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of things like red-eyed flights and leaf blowers and the little annoyances that wear us
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Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Wise Effort Podcast.
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Wise Effort is about you taking your energy, including in places that matter most to you.
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And when you do so, you'll get to savor the good and your life along the way.
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If you would like to become a member of The Wise Effort Podcast, go to Wiseeffort.com.
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If you'd like this episode, they would be helpful to somebody, please leave a review
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I would like to thank my team, my partner, and all things, including the producer of This
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Podcast Craig, Ashley Hyatt, the podcast manager, and thank you to Ben Gold at Bell and
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Branch for our music.
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This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only, and it's not meant to be a substitute
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for mental health treatments.