Sherlock Holmes - The Retired Colourman

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From London, we present The Retired Colourman, a play for radio based on the short story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

The Retired Colourman.

It was late one summer afternoon. I returned from my club to 2-2-1 B.B.

To find Sherlock Holmes has gone figure stretched in his deep chair.

I recognize his melancholy and philosophic mood.

He's a lurch practical nature of a subject to such reactions.

Well, my dear Watson, did you see him?

Who? Oh, the old fellow who just got out precisely.

I met him at the door.

What did you think of him?

Pathetic, futile, broken creature.

Exactly Watson. Pathetic and futile.

But is not all life pathetic and futile?

Isn't his story a microcosm of the whole?

We reach, we grasp.

And what is left in our hands at the end?

A shadow or worse than the shadow?

Misery.

Oh, come home.

Do you know one of your clients?

Well, who is he anyway?

Mr. Josiah Emberley.

He says he was junior partner of brickfall in Emberley,

manufacturers of artists and materials.

You'll see their names upon paintbosses.

He made his little pile, retired at the age of 61,

bought a house at Lurisham and settled down to rest after a life of ceaseless grind.

Sounds comfortable, prospect.

He retired in 1896.

Early in 1897, he married the woman 20 years younger than himself.

Yes, good looking too, if her photograph doesn't flat out.

For competence, a wife, leisure, it looked like a straight road before him.

Yet within two years, he's reduced to the broken and miserable creature you've just seen.

But what's happened to him?

The old story Watson, a treacherous friend and the fickle wife.

It seems that Emberley has one hobby in his life.

Chess, most far from him at Lurisham, that lives a young doctor,

Dr. Ray Ernest, who is also a chess player.

Ernest was frequently an Emberley's house,

and an intimacy between him and Emberley's wife was the result.

I don't surprise me.

Your car doesn't look like a pedragon of the graces.

Well, the couple went off together last week.

Destination so far and placed.

What's more, the woman carried off the old man's gearbox by wear a personal luggage.

He had a good part of his life savings.

Well, that's bad.

Sir Watson, can we find the lady?

Can we save the money?

At the commonplace, so the case to bother you with, isn't it?

But vital enough for poor Chess and Emberley.

Well, that's sir.

What will you do then?

What will you do, my dear Watson?

Hey, if you would be good enough to understudy me, that is.

No.

You know how preoccupied I am with this case of the two copctic patriarchs.

It should come to a head today.

I really haven't time to go out to Newation.

And yet, evidence taken on the spot has a special value.

Well, by all means.

I confess, I don't see that in be much service, but I'm willing to do my best.

Of course.

Oh, by the way, the name of his house is the Haven.

The old fellow was quite insistent that I should go, but I explained my difficulty.

He's quite prepared to meet a representative.

I hardly expected so humbled and individualism.

I self would merit the complete attention of so famous a man as Mr. Sherlock Holmes,

especially after my heavy financial loss.

I'm going to show you Mr. Emberley the financial question does not arrive.

No, of course.

It's art for art's sake with him, I understand.

Still, even on the artistic side of crime, he might have found something here to study.

And human nature, Dr. Watson, the blacking gratitude of it all.

Tell me when did I ever refuse?

One of her requests was ever a woman so pampered.

And that young man, he might have been my own son.

Had the run of my house and seen how they treated me.

Mr. Emberley said, writful world, writful, writful.

Did you say something?

I was merely going to point out, if you continued to wave your paintbrush about like that,

it wouldn't be long before you did your plating on this tube.

But I'm afraid the damage is done.

Oh, how do you mean?

You see how this business has distracted me.

I mean, the middle of painting this hall, you seem surprised, Dr. Watson.

What must do something to ease and aching heart?

I'd started painting the house only the day before they disappeared.

I thought I might as well carry on.

Yes, first sense from indeed, Mr. Emberley.

But, praise, step it to my sanctum away from this paint smell.

Thank you.

That's better.

Yes, sir.

Take a seat.

Thank you, sir.

Good.

Now then, where shall I begin my account?

With my retirement or marriage, perhaps?

Not necessarily at all, Mr. Holmes Miller requested certain details.

For example, the events of the actual evening of your wife's disappearance.

Oh, how shall I ever forget them?

Do you think that I'd prepare the special treat for the shameless creature?

The hay market.

Yes, I think two upper circles seats.

A gay evening, I thought, perhaps a little supper somewhere.

But no, she complained of a headache and refused to go.

Let's see here.

I have it here.

Her fear fatigue, unused seat 31 row beam.

And then you had a girl?

I did.

There, I sat all through the performance her empty seat beside me.

And little did I realize what a hero when it was.

You returned to find her gone just so.

But that was not all.

You see this door?

It's iron painted.

It looked like wood.

It's my strong room.

Safe as a bank, I always thought.

But not where she was concerned.

Ah, as your deep box was taken, I believe.

Deep box.

Cash securities about £7,000 worth.

She must have had a duplicate key prepared.

I see.

No word from or about her since I left to go to the theatre at that faithful evening,

leaving her alone here with her headache.

Not one single word, Dr. Watson.

And her seat number, the Haymarket Theatre, was 31, you say Watson?

You're quite sure.

Positive.

My old school number.

Excellent.

Then his own seat was either 30 or 32.

Roby.

Yes.

Well, Watson.

Have you told me all?

I think so.

Oh, did I mention the detour of a photograph of his wife in my presence?

No.

He never wished to see her damn place again.

He cried.

No doubt.

Still, I've said the loss of his money to precedence over the loss of his wife.

Without a doubt.

But let us get down to what is practical.

I must admit that the case which seems to be so absurd is simple as to be hard to work my notice.

His weapon is assuming a very different aspect.

It's true that in your mission, you've missed everything of importance.

Oh.

Yet even those things which have intruded themselves upon your notice give rise to serious thought.

What do I miss?

Oh, don't be hurt by dear fellow.

No one else would have done better.

But clearly, you have missed some vital points.

What do the neighbors think about Emily and his wife?

What did Dr. Ernest?

Was he the Gailer-Faria one would expect?

Surely these are of importance.

Well.

And with your natural advantages, Watson, every lady is our helper and accompanist.

What about the Gailer-Faria?

Or the Green-Grocer's wife?

Or even the lady at the Blue Anchor?

All this you've left undone.

Yes.

Well, it can still be done.

It has been done.

Thanks for the telephone and the help of Scotland's yard.

I can usually get my essentials without leaving this room.

It's a matter to take.

My information confirms Emily's own story.

He has the local reputation of being a miser, as well as a harsh and exactly husband.

It's also certain that he had a large sum of money in that strong room.

And it's common gossip that young Dr. Ernest played chess with Emily and probably played the fool with his wife.

It all seems plain sailing.

And yet?

And yet?

Well, it's a difficult term.

Oh, in my imagination, perhaps.

Well, neither did there wasn't.

This is the state from this weary work of a world by the side door of music.

Carina sings the night at the Albert Hall.

We still have time to dress, time and enjoy.

The next morning I was up early,

but found a note from Holmes on the breakfast table.

Telling me, is he gone to Lerschem to see Emily?

And that he hoped to be back by three o'clock.

Ah, there you are.

Control of the minutes.

Well, what news has Emily been here?

Yes.

No, I'm expecting him.

Oh, come in.

Yes, Mrs. Hudson?

There's a little bit of Emily to see you, sir.

Ah, show him in, Mrs. Hudson.

Very good, sir.

In here, please.

Mr. Josiah, Emily.

Oh, I'm pretty stuck inside, sir.

Thank you, Mrs. Hudson.

Very good, sir.

Mr. Holmes, I've had a telegram.

I didn't make nothing of it.

Sir, may I see it?

Thank you.

Come at once without fail.

Can give you information as to your recent loss.

Elman, the vicodage.

Sir.

The stats to 1210 from Little Perlington.

Oh, what's him?

And on my front foot directly, please.

Right, sir.

Little Perlington's in ethics, isn't it?

It's not far from Frintland.

Ah, ah, here you are.

Oh, look, look.

No, then E, E, E, S, L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

Yes, yeah, we haven't.

J.C.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

L.

tell me Liverpool Street 520 home. Excellent. You'd best go with Mr.

Ambley Watson. He may need help or advice. It's clear we've come for a

crisis isn't there. But it's perfectly absurd, Mr. Hove. What can this

country make a possibly know of what's occurred? It's a waste of time and money.

He wouldn't have telegraphed here if he didn't know something. You should

wire him at once that you're coming. I don't think I should go. Mr. Ambley,

it would make the worst possible impression both on the police and upon

myself if you should refuse to follow up so obvious a clue. We should feel

that you were not really an earnest in this investigation. Of course I go if

you look at it that way. On the face of it it seems absurd to suppose that this

surpasses on those anything. But if you think I do think. Now are they a

long sir and Dr. Watson will catch you up at the telegraph office at the

corner. Oh very well then. A waste of time and money in my opinion.

Poorly money down the drain. Watson, whatever you do see that he really does go.

If he breaks away from your order's height to return, get to the nearest

telegraph office and send the single word, both it. I'll arrange here the

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The weather was hot. The trains slow and the companion salon and silent.

When we had last reached Little Pallington station it was a two mile drive before we came to the

Vicarage. We had a big salon rather pompous

curgement received us up in his study. Our telegram lay before him.

Well gentlemen what can I do for you?

We came in answer to your wire Mr. Oman.

My wire. I sent no telegraphic communication.

I mean the one you sent to Mr. Josiah Embole like his wife and his money.

If this is a joke size it's a very questionable one.

I've never heard of the gentleman you name and I have not sent a telegram to anyone.

I knew it would be a fool's end.

Well must be some mistake and other two vicarages perhaps.

There is only one the courage side, only one vicar.

The telegram you refer to is obviously a scandalous forgery.

The origin of which you'll certainly be investigated by the police.

Meanwhile gentlemen I can see no possible object in proof longing in this interview.

Hello? Hello?

Oh Holmes is that you Holmes?

Yes what?

How are things proceeding?

Well they aren't Holmes. The vicar never sent any such wire. You'll be annoyed.

Holmes, are you there?

First singular. First remarkable.

What? I did not fear by near Watson that there is no return to life.

What? I have unwittingly condemned you to the horrors of a country.

Oh dear.

Oh however there's always nature Watson.

What? Nature and Josiah Embole.

You can be in close commune with Holmes.

Thank you very much Holmes.

You're very fortunate my dear fellow. Good night.

Good night.

Well what did he say?

He said it was a most remarkable business.

Remarkable?

I should prefer the word expensive.

Our railway fare.

Third class.

Why pay more?

And now a whole table bill.

It's monstrous.

Monstrous.

I have a word to say to Mr. Sherlock Holmes tomorrow.

Oh very well sir.

We've drive directly to Baker Street from the station tomorrow.

And now we better make arrangements for the night.

I warned Holmes by telegram with the time of our arrival at Baker Street next day.

But when we got there we found a message to say that he was at Loishham and would expect us there.

This was a surprise to me.

He would even greater one was to find that Holmes was not alone at Embole's house.

In the sitting room Mr.

looking well-built man sat beside him.

A dark heavily moustache man wearing tinted sunglasses

and sporting a large masonic pin in his tie.

Oh gentlemen allow me to introduce my friend Mr.

Barker just to Embole Dr. Watson.

How do you do?

Please reach out.

And Mr. Barker has been interesting in stuff in your business too Mr.

We've been working independently on another one.

But we both have the same question to ask you.

Question?

What question, Mr. Holmes?

What did you do with a body?

No, no!

Did you serve us that?

Get hold of him Watson.

No, I have it.

No, you start making the answer.

You start.

He's trying to sort of something.

Stop it.

Right?

Get hold of it.

Oh, listen to me.

He's gone.

Look, come on.

Well done Barker.

No short cut, Embole.

Things must be done decently and in order.

I'd like to have it the door.

I may as well take him straight to the police station.

So I tell you Inspector, did you become ill?

You want to examine this house sooner or later.

I think he won't object to meeting me here.

Very well.

And I'll come back with him.

Not going you.

And any more nonsense and I'll have your arm out of itself.

That was a nothing, Holmes.

It was a poison capsule.

Look.

Ah, hmm.

Holmes, this Barker.

Oh, my hated rival upon the Sarishore.

Ah, his methods are irregular like my own.

We irregular are useful sometimes, you know.

Well, Holmes, let's hear what he's all about, eh?

All in good time, my dear Watson.

The Inspector will be along shortly for the same account.

In the meantime, I shall enjoy a few minutes.

Quite smooth.

I just want to make this clear before you begin, Mr. Holmes.

I don't imagine that we hadn't formed our own views of this case.

And that we wouldn't have laid our hands on the man.

And so you'll excuse us for being sore when you jump in

with methods which we can't use and so rob us of the credit.

There shall be no such robbery in Inspector McKinnell.

I assure you that I have faced myself from now on now.

As to Mr. Barker here, he has done nothing, say what I do, then.

That's quite great.

Ah, well, that's petty handsome of you, Mr. Holmes.

Price or blank can matter little to you,

but it's different for the police when the newspaper

starts asking questions.

Quite so.

But when an intelligent and enterprising reporter asks you

what the exact points were which arise your suspicion

and finally gave you a certain conviction, as to the real fact?

Oh, well, well, we don't seem to have got any real facts yet.

No.

What facts of you have your range for a search?

I've got two constables on their way.

Then you'll soon get the clearest fact of all.

Huh?

The body has come up before away.

Try to sell us and begotten us.

They shouldn't take long to pick up the likely cases.

This house is older than its water pipe,

so there must be a disused well somewhere.

Try your luck there.

But how did you know there'd been murder?

Yes, Holmes, how was it done?

Well, I'll show you first how it was done, Inspector.

And then I'll give the explanation which is due to you,

and even more to my long-suffering friend, Dr. Watson,

who has been invaluable to us.

But first, I'd like you to consider this man able is mentality.

Hmm.

It's a very unusual one so much so that I think his destination is

more likely to be broad more than the scaffold.

Is that so?

Oh, go on then.

He has to a high degree the sort of mind

one associates with the medieval Italian nature,

rather than with the modern Britain.

He was a miserable miser who made his wife so wretched

by his negatively ways that she was already prey for any adventure.

Such a one came upon the scene and the person

of this chest-playing doctor.

Hmm.

Emily excelled a chest, one indication Watson,

or the scheming mind.

Ha, ha, ha.

Like all Miser's, he was a jealous man.

And his jealousy became a frantic mania,

likely or wrongly, he suspected and intrigued.

He determined to have his revenge.

And he planned it for Diabolical Clevverness.

Have a look here.

This is his so-called strong rule.

Oh, what an awful smell of paint.

That was our first clue.

You can paint up for Watson's observation for that though he

failed to draw the inference.

It set my foot on the trail.

I still don't understand him.

Well, ask yourself, Watson.

Why should this man have such a time

befilling his house with strong odors?

Obviously, to cover some other smell

which he wished to conceal.

Some jute smell which might excite suspicions.

And you mean decomposition?

That hasn't been...

No, no, no, nothing of that sort.

Then, in the idea of a room such as you see here,

the sealed arm door.

He took the two facts together.

And where do they lead?

Oh, blessed if I know.

No, no, me too.

Oh, well, let it pass for now.

I was already certain of the case was serious

because I had examined the box office chart of the Haymarket Theatre.

Another adoptor, Watson's bullseye.

It shows that neither of the two seats

B13 or 32 of the upper circle had been occupied

on the 19th question.

Well, he lied.

You never went to the theatre.

And so his alibi fell to the ground.

He made a bad sip when he showed you his wife's unused ticket, Watson.

No.

The only way I could sacrifice my suspicions

about the smell of paint and the existence of the sealed room

was to examine the house myself.

The question was, how was I to achieve this?

I know that.

Now I see it.

Yes, Watson.

I sent an agent to the most impossibly remote village I could think of

and summoned Amballet to go there at such an hour

that he couldn't possibly get back the same day.

And sent me within to make joy, he really went.

At the point because they might simply got out of my pocket's directory.

Oh, masterly brilliant.

There have been no fear of interruption.

I proceeded to burgle the house.

Birdlery has always been an alternative profession if I cared to adopt it.

And I little died that I should have reached the front leg of the wall.

For Mr. Holmes.

Anyway, see what I found.

You see this gas pipe along the scurrying board here?

Yes.

Very good.

It rises in the angle of the wall and there's a path in the corner.

Now follow me into the strong room.

You see that plaster rose in the center of the ceiling?

Yes.

Well, the pipe finishes there with an open end.

At any moment by turning the outside depth,

this room could be flooded with gas.

With its door closed and the tap full on,

I wouldn't give two minutes of consciousness to anyone shut in here.

By what devilish device he decoyed them in here, I don't know.

But once inside, they will at his mercy.

Oh, I think I've seen them up in this place.

Yes.

Let's get out of here.

So he started bringing the house to cover up very smell of gas afterwards opened.

Precisely.

He came to have started painting the day before that it appears

that he should have said that they after.

Well, what happened then?

Then came an incident which I hardly expected.

I was slipping out again through the pantry window in the early dawn today

and I called a hand, grabbed my collar, and a voice said,

No, you're rascal.

What have you been doing in there?

Then I could twist my head round, I recognized my friend and rival Mr. Barca.

So just where do you come into this, Mr. Barca?

Well, I see.

I've been engaged by the family of Dr. Ray Ernest to make me investigation.

I just could conclude that there be foul play like Mr. Owen.

I've been watching this house for several days.

I'd marked you down, Dr. Watson, as one of the most suspicious characters to visit the place.

Thank you very much.

Still, I could hardly entertain you.

But when I saw a man actually climbing out of the pantry window this morning,

I couldn't risk playing with him.

And there you are, Inspector.

You have all the particulars.

I hand them over to you and step right out of the gate.

Well, in the name of the force, I thank you, Mr. Holmes.

It seems a care case the way you put it.

You'll get results, Inspector.

I always put it yourself in the other place

and thinking what you would do yourself.

It takes some imagination, but it's bad.

Holmes, what about the missing money and the security?

Or with ale, they found in some safe place where Amberley hid them.

There was no robbery.

Now, well, you've met every point of...

There's only one last thing puzzles me.

Yeah?

Well, Amberley couldn't avoid notifying the police of his wife's so-called disappearance.

Why was he fooling up to go to you as well?

Pure spank.

He thought so clever and so sure of himself

that he imagined no one could touch him.

He could say to any suspicious neighbor,

look at the steps I've taken.

I consulted not only the police,

but even Sherlock Holmes.

Well, I'll have to forgive you that even Sherlock Holmes.

Yes, it does work when like a job, though, so I can remember.

That was The Retired Color Man by Michael Hardwick,

based on the short story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Sherlock Holmes was played by Carlton Hobbs

and got to Watson by Norman Shelley.

Production for the BBC was by Graham Gold.

They say if you want to go fast, go alone.

But if you want to go far, go together.

At Amika Insurance, we know what matters most to you.

And we work even harder to protect it together.

As a mutual insurance company,

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Amika, empathy is our best quality.

Visit amika.com and get a quote today.

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone

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