ShortHand: The Holy Grail

0:00Hello, hello and welcome to a very festive, a very Christian, short-hand, we're talking about the Holy Grail. And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say that the Holy Grail is the most sought after object in all of human history. Any other contenders that jump to mind for you? The Ark of the Covenant, which apparently is in Ethiopia, and it's in this church and in this like village, so the Ark of the Covenant is what once held the Ten Commandments tablets, they're gone, nobody is claiming to have them, but what they used to be in and carried in is alleged to be in Ethiopia, where Christianity was before it was in Europe, and there is

1:03a man who is selected to guard it at all times and he has to guard it until he dies. And nobody wants that to hop, it's a very small population and every single one of them goes blind. And they say it's because of the Ark of the Covenant and they're having to look at it all the time. Fuck. Yeah, no wonder nobody wants it. God fucking boring fucking job and you're blind. Yeah, exactly. Wow. So the Ark of the Covenant, but I don't think it would be as famous if it weren't for Indiana Jones and the Nazis, but I do think the Holy Grail is more famous. Yes. No, the only other thing that comes to mind, and it isn't, but it is just because it's a throwback to the violin cupboard, the golden fleece. What is the most sought after thing in podcasting history? Golden fleece level audio. So anyway, those hunting for the Grail have many different reasons. Many believe it to be the actual cup that Jesus drought from at the last supper.

2:03And plenty of believers hope that finding the cup might show once and for all that the stories are real. But it's value to many Grail hunters over the years goes way beyond that because the legend goes that the Grail could bring whoever finds it, unbelievable power, influence youth, and even eternal life. Which is why the hunters have included everyone from stuffy academics to full-blown Nazis, looking for a secret weapon to win them the war. The Holy Grail has taken many forms over the years, a red agate cup, a wide wooden bowl, a small white stone, and even, if you're down brown, a whom. Oh, okay, so not the thing that came out of the womb, the womb itself. I see, because he makes the cup shame. Got it. God. But the real question is whether the Grail ever existed at all. Maybe. I think, you know, who does it hurt? Exactly. I mean, if the Nazis got it, and then we're eternally useful and powerful, that probably

3:07would hurt quite a lot of people. That would, if it's real and it does those things, maybe not them find it. Yes. But that would be the best thing, probably. So to answer that question, we're going to have to look at the most famous Grail Hunters in history. From the once and future King King Arthur to the Crusades, via Heimrich Himmler and his Nazi relic hunters, all the way to the Da Vinci code, and Jay-Z. I, there was, we're in a different studio today for boring reasons, and I just went out to get a coffee and there was a guy waiting, he was talking to me. And he thought I worked here. And he was, I thought, what do you do here then? I was, oh no, I'm just hiring a studio, because I didn't want to be like, well, today I'm doing the Black Death Nosferatu, the Holy Grail, when Santa robbed a bank, and maybe Joan's town, if we have time, so I just silently slipped away. I was quite embarrassed when I came in, like, momentarily embarrassed, but I came in and

4:08there was a guy sat here, like, sat on the sofas, and he was like, hey, when I walked in, and I was like, oh, hi, do you work here? And he was like, no, and then I realised that the woman who worked here was sat around the corner. And then they're making a podcast next door in the studio, and the guy came out and he was like, oh my god, it's so good to meet you. Thank you so much for doing this. I was so excited to talk about all the amazing work he was doing, and I was like, oh my god, he's like a famous person, and I was like, do you work here? Can I please have a coffee? I bless him. Anyway, maybe in 20 minutes time, you might have just enough information to go and find the Holy Grail yourself. And how do you feel about seeking eternal life for a new year's resolution? Is the shorthand? For a surprisingly long time, the Holy Grail had nothing to do with Jesus. Stories of magical vessels go all the way back to the Celts, who, for those in the back, were a collection of peoples native to the Brichelles and France, who were eventually pushed

5:08out by the Romans to Wales, Ireland, and Brittany. The Celts had all sorts of legends about magical cauldrons and drinking horns, vessels that never ran empty and satisfied the needs of those who used them. Some were said to be able to feed thousands, or even race the dead, and when those tales got over to Brittany and Northern France, Breton's story tellers spread them far and wide. There's also a fair amount of similar lore and Greek and Roman mythology. A horn of plenty, for example, which the horn the Zeus's nurse could fill with whatever the owner wished for. As for the word grail, etymology corner hasn't got much for you today, unfortunately. It originally referred to a deep platter to serve food from, but some think it's from the old French song Ra, which is what Dambran goes nuts on, meaning royal blood, but that still feels like a bit of a strange. Either way, stories were read and recited through history, of a magical cup with the

6:10power to heal wounds, deliver eternal youth, or bring everlasting happiness. But to hit the big time and become the holy grail, it first needed to attach itself to a franchise, and the biggest franchise going in medieval Europe was of course the legend of King Arthur. For Americans who might be scratching their big square American chins at what we just said, King Arthur, who you will often hear referred to as the Once in Future King, which I love, was probably not real, a was an English king from ancient European folk legend. And that legend is all shagging in those dragons and its knights and quests, and there's a round table in Camelot and the sword in the stone, a merlin the wizard also I forgot about him. So in 1130 a cleric called Geoffrey of Monmouth wrote a book called The History of the Kings of Britain, and he wrote it in Latin.

7:13This was the point in time when writing a history book literally meant writing down whatever you wanted because no one could read it anyway. So based on a couple of vague mentions of a skilled warrior called Arthur from Old Saxon era poems, Geoffrey of Monmouth sent it his whole book around a brave monarch called King Arthur. He cobbled a history together from various myths and poems about battles and places, took it all 100% literally, and told stories of ancient kings fighting with magical swords and sorcery as if it was all historical fact. I just remember King Arthur's mother had violet eyes. Yeah. It's all just so George R.R. Martin. And a bit later on, after this history of the kings of Britain, a French poet called you can leave this in. Share it dear. Shrittien d'Ito, yeah, a little more. Wrote a series of romances based on the Arthurian story, and that is when the once-in-future

8:18king hit the big time. The Troy even added stories of individual knights like Lancelot and Gawain, and even added the stimuler love triangle between King Arthur, his wife Gwynneveer and Lancelot. And there was one tale that featured a sweet little wannabe knight called Percival, Laconte de Graal, or the story of the Grail. To achieve his dream of becoming a knight, Percival went on a bunch of quests, including one to find a magical Grail. He eventually found an enchanted castle, called Montsleuert, where a wounded King, known as the Fischer King, is believed to be in possession of the Holy Grail. The Fischer King had a horrific wound to his genitals. In fact, his downstairs was pretty much a comprehensive nightmare, and he was only being kept alive by the magical properties of the Grail. At the castle, Percival witnessed miracles, including small amounts of food feeding thousands.

9:22He saw the Grail, and it was a big, bejeweled dish containing a single wafer, being carried through the crowd, and he described it as being like a shining star from the heavens. The poem was unfinished, and the Fischer King and his magical dish was all left unexplained. At that point, the story of the Grail still had nothing to do with Jesus. This Grail was probably just taken from Old Celtic lore, but then, in an incredibly savvy move by the Holy Grail's PR team, that Jesus and the plate or the cup were combined. In 1190, a French poet called Robert de Boron, retold the story of Percival, and gave the Grail an origin story. It wasn't just any old magic bowl that keeps an old King's messy tick line. It was the cup that Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, better story. It is certainly a better story. The same cup that Jesus drank from at the Last Supper, before Judas betrayed him, later,

10:30was used by Joseph of Arimathea, the receiver of the harshest short deal in the world, used to collect his son's blood as he died on the cross. I have spent many years of my life reading the crucifixion story in all of its relative forms. I don't think Joseph was there. His mum was there. You've got to add to the story. Yes, sir. You've got to add to the Holy Grail story. You've got to have Joseph of Arimathea there. You've got to have... I don't know. Maybe Mary's crying. Yeah. Collecting the blood, because it's also what they say about the spear of destiny, the woman. Yes, yeah. Stabbed him. Yes. Catholics use that as proof that he was dead, because it says in the Bible that water and blood came out, and that's what happens when you die, your blood separates into the plaintiffs' separate. I mean, it's all Bollocks, but that is what they say. So it's used as a like, oh, he definitely rose from the dead, because that was the proof that he was actually dead and not just faking it. I see.

11:31But it does make sense, though, because Joseph, the reason they need him at all in the story, is because he is descended from King David. Yes. Because it's like the line of King David, but then Jesus isn't actually his wife or son. Anyway, we're not here to go into this. We're just here to have some fun, chat about a cup. And for Christians, it does not get more important than the crucifixion. So come with us back to Bethlehem, not Bethlehem Jerusalem. Such an expert. Christ. So it was the first day, particularly mourn, do one. And Jesus knows that he is headed to the cross, and he knows that he will be betrayed. So he and all of his mates had a big send-off dinner, and, as Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians, after supper, he took the cup, saying, this cup is the new covenant in my blood.

12:32Do this whenever you drink it in remembrance of me. And do this in remembrance of me is still set in mass. Do what? Drink. Got it. Eat of my body, drink of my blood. A little bit later, Christians introduced transubstantiation, a ceremony in which regular bread and wine became the actual body and blood of Christ, Catholic still believe that Protestants don't. And it did become quite widespread in about the 12th century that Christians are literally eating Jesus. Right about the same time that Robert De Boron added it to his Arthorian legend. According to Boron's story, after Jesus dies, the cup fed his father, adopted father, surrogate father, whatever, Joseph for 43 years. Apparently he goes off on adventures in the Near East, before bringing the grail to England, where he buries it in Glastonbury, southwest England.

13:32This belief really stuck around, and one legend says that at the spot where Joseph buried the holy grail, the water runs red. It travels through Christ's blood, though it could also just be the red eye and oxide in the soil. But if you saw that, and you were a pastor, you'd be like, thought that was wild. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, De Boron has Joseph's descendants becoming the grail keepers, a secret lineage of guardians, who are the bearers of the blood of Christ. But let's put a big fat crucifixion-sized nail in that for now. Jesus stopped version of the Arthurian legend when absolutely Boron is popular, the pastor version of going viral. Over the years it was retold in various different ways. In Wolfram von Echternbach's Prazaval, the grail is a mysterious white stone that provides substance, provides the dead, cures the sick and keeps you young. As time went on, Sir Galaad became the main knight looking for the grail.

14:37His thoughtless, pure heroic vibe fit a little bit better with the quest, and the search became one for a mystical union with God. Only Galaad was able to look directly at it, and quote, behold the divine mysteries that cannot be described by human tongue. Galaad had so fucking full of himself, man. Never liked him. So Thomas Mallory's Lamorte to Arthur, which was printed in 1485, is the definitive version of the King Arthur legend. In the Mortarth, three knights, Percival Galaad and Sabors, carry out a grail ritual and receive holy communion from the hands of Jesus himself. Galaad heals the injured grail king with Christ's blood, which drips from the holy lance, and then the cup and lance are taken back to heaven. Centuries of grail hunters since have conveniently ignored the ending of that story. At this stage in history, the hunt for the grail was the main quest for the Knights of

15:37King Arthur. And that's the basic background. And a lot of modern grail hunters, because yes, people are still at it, pour through these old Arthurian legends for clues, as if they are historical texts. And not just fun poems, based on fun myths. It's kind of fun, man. It is fun. Who's going, I'm not taking away from them. I'm like, look, you just, you know, having a good time reading all this, connecting some darts, looking for a cup. How about it? Yeah. So they pour over the legends and the poems, and also they pour over the last supper, the painting, and it's not a photograph, but, you know, whatever. It's a start. So, if you are wanting to get out there and find the cup of eternal life, what are the clues are out there? Supposer discoveries of holy relics have been cropping up for millennia. The first were found shortly after the Roman Emperor, Constantine I, converted to Christianity, which he did, because his mum told him to.

16:38They include the crown of thorns that Jesus wore on the cross, splinters and nails from the cross itself. The holy lance used to pierce his side. The holy sponge used to moisten his lips, mid-grews of fiction. They actually, so yes, that does happen, that Jesus has handed the sponge by the Romans, and it had not been put in water, it had been put in vinegar. Those sneaky fucking Romans. Those sneaky Romans. And of course, the holiest of holy relics, the cup he used at the last supper. Now making these hunts for these holy relics a bit tricky is a fact that a lot of these items are functionally indistinguishable from bits of old wood and metal. The first mention of someone claiming to have the actual grail is in 570, in an anonymous text charting someone's journey to the holy land. He's known as the pilgrim of P.H. Enzer, and he describes going to Jerusalem and seeing the sponge and the reed about which we read in the Gospel.

17:41We drank water from this sponge. There is also the onyx cup which he, meaning Jesus, blessed at the last supper and many other wonders. But a very popular theory is that the Holy Grail was taken by the Knights Templar. And for that, we'll need to rewind all the way back to where we started this story, just before the Arthurian legend started, around the 11th century. Because to find the first proper industrial scale grail hunters, we have to go back to the Crusades. Christianity, obviously, started in the Middle East in modern day Palestine, it really took root in your a bit later on. And after pretty much the whole continent had fallen head over heels for Christianity just after the first millennium happened, the European Christian kings wanted the Holy Land for themselves. But the problem was it was still full of Muslims. So, the European Christian kings sent massive armies of knights over to conquer the Holy

18:44Region and bring all of the relics therein back to Europe. They sacked temples and pillage cities as they went, looking for anything remotely related to the 33 years that Jesus was about. After the Crusaders captured Jerusalem in 1099, pilgrims started heading east from Europe and to protect them from the Saras and pirates, brigands and other miscreants along the way were a rag-tag order of knights that called themselves the poor fellow soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon. Later rebranded to the Knights Templar, which is much more catchy and easy to say. It was the first and best known of the military religious orders that cropped up around that time. To sign up, you had to take a vow of Chastity, Poverty and Abedience and swear that you were ready to die for your faith. The Knights Templar became super powerful and influential in the Middle Ages, especially when in 1139 the Pope decreed them exempt from the law, both Holy Law and the regular

19:46kind. They got donations from kings, lords and the church. While the special treatment, well, the legend goes that they were the guardians of the Holy Grail. The story goes that the Holy Grail was found in Jerusalem's Temple Mount, a site of insane religious significance we do not have time to go into here. And once it was found, the Holy Grail was entrusted to the Knights Templar. By the year 1300, the Knights Templar had fallen pretty sharply out of favour with the European kings and they were all rounded up. They were branded as a bunch of heretics, brutally tortured until they confessed to all sorts of medieval, no-nose like devil worshipping, spitting on the cross and the worst of all, being a gay. Dozens of former Knights Templar were burned at stake in Lugay Parry and perhaps most humiliating the evil. Their property and their money was given to their rival gang, the Knights Hospitaler. With the pressure from the King of France, the Pope formally dissolved the Knights Templar

20:49in 1312, but some believe that all this persecution just forced the order underground into a secret society guarding ancient wisdom. And that included the Grail, the Shroud of Chirin, the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Sponge, the Crown of Thorns, the Lance and parts of the crucifix itself. And bloody Elizabeth Warren claimed to have a splinter from... She did? I thought he should eat it, but that's bonkers. When I watched my Amtieville Horror, which is about one of the kids who grew up in the house and it just fucking ruined his life, he goes to see Elizabeth Warren. Oh, we're talking about the Warrens, not Elizabeth Warren, the politician. No! Oh, right. I was like, no, Elizabeth Warrens and the Charlotteson. Is that her name? No, it's not Elizabeth. The Rain! The Rain. Sorry. And Elizabeth Warren was the one who was like, I'm part native America and everyone seems like that.

21:49Oh, yes, OK. I was like, so she's clearly too part native American and also of a splinter from the cross. I think I need to sit in the dark room or something. I'm getting so many things mixed up today. It's all right. It's nearly a holiday time and we can do that. Yeah, I don't know how to transition from that, so let's just carry one. If you don't worry about any of that. If you are still keen to sign up, you don't have to look far. In 1804, an organization was founded in Paris called the Grand Priory of the Order Supremus Militarious Templi Hero Soli Militenti, something like that, or the Knights Templar International. They claim to be direct descendants of the original order, though how metaphorical they're being we don't know. Still, there are now Knights Templar outposts all over the world and the branch for England and Wales is based in Hertfordshire, where I grew up.

22:50And it has 16 precipitaries, which meet at Masonic Halls in various towns across Hertfordshire. There are three in Watford and two in St Orphans. The modern version is very stone cut as adjacent, all wrapped up with free masonry, but that's all very much a story for another time. So if you're hoping to get your hands on the grail, the modern day Knights Templar might be a good place to start. Careful though, there are also quite a few far-right groups in the US and UK that have styled themselves after the Knights Templar too. And their mission is less Christian charity and more accruciate against a new multicultural world order. And whilst we're on the far-right, tries we might to avoid it shorthand really does seem to always come back to the Nazi. We're doing Nosferati today as well. And that's got Nazis too, somehow, they're everywhere. We did a while ago do a shorthand all of its own on Nazi obsession with occult stuff.

23:54So go and listen to that one for the full rundown. But the shorter version is that in the 30s German writer Otto Ran was digging around in the old King Arthur stories and he thought he found a clue. The castle mentioned in the Percival stories was called Mont-Salvatageux-Sompting-Similar. And Otto Ran found himself at a chateau de Montseguerre in the south of France. That's not that far off the unpronounceable world. This is the first port of call for many grail hunters finding a castle around the Pyrenees with a similar name to the one we can't say. And perhaps those grail hunters don't realise that the words in French and Spanish from my Lord sound just like that, making it a pretty common church name in the Pyrenees, but don't tell down around that. Otto Ran's first quest failed, but he went on to head up searches for the grail across the world on behalf of Nazi top brass.

24:56Heinrich Himmler, the leader of the SS, and architect of the Holocaust was obsessed with the hunt for the grail. How did he have the time? There were quite a lot of Nazis who were probably delegated quite a lot. And they're all fucking on meth, they don't sleep. So they can do so much more with their day. Himmler thought that finding the grail would mean that Nazi supremacy was metaphysically preordained. Plus, he thought it would make them literally invincible, which would really, really help with the war effort. Sounds like it's a method thinking. So if you're really after the cup of eternal life, you could start by joining the nice Templar, or treating the Arthurian legends as an old treasure map. But I had to tell you this, a lot of people will tell you it's already been found. Oh, I didn't know that. Let me tell you, since 1399, Valencia Cathedral has possessed a red, a gate chalice, made in the Middle East around the time of Christ, which they swear down is a great

25:58village south. Their story goes that in the first century, it made its way to Rome, where it was hidden for a while by the persecuted Christians. There are even murals in the catacombs of Rome that they say bear an exact resemblance to their grail. Then in the third century, a deacon called St. Lawrence saw that the Christian's time was up in Rome, and entrusted the grail to a Spanish legionnaire. The Lawrence told the soldier to take it off to his parents' manor house in Huesca. This house is also a favourite starting place for the grail hunting community. And soon enough, once Christianity had set in, the cup was given to the cathedral in Valencia. Today, that red cup is alarmed and closely guarded in a slight chapel. Italy's got one too. And not very good at being left out, the Italians. See what we'll do. They call it the Sacro Cantino, and it's an octagonal green crystal bowl, which is held at the treasury of the Cathedral of San Lorenzo in Genoa.

27:01And they say that it was found near Lake Galilee and brought to Genoa after the Crusades. Testing has confirmed that this bowl was made way after Jesus' time, but that hasn't put them off. And there's also the Nantios cup from England, a wooden fruit bowl, that was later found to be no more than 600 years old. Oh, no. In fact, there are more than 200 different vessels of all shapes and sizes that claim to be the actual holy grail. I mean, obviously, they don't. They're inanimate objects, but people say they are. I mean, if you found one that says, I'm the holy grail to you, it's the fucking holy grail. Or you've taken too much math. In 2014, there was a development visited Swarm to the San Isidro Basilica in Lyon in Spain. After two historians published a book saying that the grail was definitely there.

28:01They'd found two Egyptian parchedments. They said, contained brand new clues to the location of the grail, and then they spent the next three years hunting it down across the world. Oh, it's like an additional bumper-packed-year board game. To pogromly. And in the end, these two people who published their book and I'm sure made a lot of money decided that the grail was in their home country, which is quite convenient. And okay. It's easy to sit here in a podcast studio and be all scathing about the holy grail. But so many artifacts to do with Christ were preserved by the early Christians and guarded through the centuries. And if the real grail somewhere down that line was abandoned somewhere by someone with no knowledge of its importance, could it still be out there? Could it be even collecting dust in a museum? So much of religion is total unquestioning faith. Even and especially when there's zero tangible proof, it's kind of the entire point. So perhaps the idea of finding the grail and seeing its miracles for yourself would be

29:05the ultimate incontrovertible proof that God is real and great and the public obsession with this magical cup has never really gone away. And of course, we can't leave our Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and the last crusade is in my opinion, not the best one, not as bad as the Shaila Buffon. Also, it's one of the major plot holes in Hollywood history that there's literally no, whatever Indiana Jones does in that film makes absolutely no difference and it all would have happened anyway. Oh wow. And. Yes. Exactly. Indy races the Nazi to the grail and his clues lead him to a cave guarded by an ancient knight. The room is absolutely filled with cups of different shapes and sizes and the knight who's in there says that only one is the true grail is the one that tells you hers. Just got googly eyes on it.

30:05In the Pixar version, it's got a sassy attitude. Oh God. One of the Nazis picks a fancy, bejeweled cup and drinks from it, which was all wrong. And then he ages really fast and turns to dust. And then Indiana Jones points out that Jesus was a carpenter and picks a humble wooden cup. Holy Grail. Smart. And Indiana Jones throws this cup down a crevasse and then rides off into the sunset. In the Da Vinci code, they discover that Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene and the grail is actually Mary Magdalene's Humber. So that obviously means that Jesus has a direct line of descendants and the ninth template of the ones who are tasked with keeping them alive and secret. Which, fine. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with the grail being a person. Me too. I'm fine with all of it. But whatever story about the Holy Grail that you believe, the point is, didn't exist and neither did Jesus. Good night. So yeah, guys, that is the long story of the Holy Grail.

31:12Why not have yourself a fun outing this year with your family? Go grail hunting. Why not? Goodbye. Bye.