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Hey everybody, welcome back to the show.
0:45
Today we are answering the question,
0:47
why is it so difficult to make friends in your 30s?
0:55
It's basically every decade of life.
0:58
Anything past your teens, people are like,
1:00
how do you make friends in your 20s?
1:01
How do you make friends in your 30s?
1:02
And you get into 40s?
1:03
How do you make friends in your 40s?
1:04
How do you make friends in your 50s?
1:05
The answer is, it is more difficult.
1:08
And there are a few reasons why.
1:10
So let's dive into a couple of reasons why.
1:12
And then we'll talk about how do we combat this?
1:14
How do we actually go about making new friends as we get older?
1:18
First off, why it's so hard to make friends in your 30s in general?
1:21
Number one, increased self-awareness leads to a decrease in mutual interests.
1:26
This sort of just happens as you get older.
1:28
When you're younger, there's fewer threads,
1:32
or there's more threads of commonality to pull on,
1:34
meaning that when you are growing up in school,
1:37
you see these people all the time,
1:39
you have core commonalities,
1:41
meaning that you probably live in the same area.
1:43
You have the same teachers,
1:45
you're studying the same things,
1:46
you have a lot of the same similar shared life experience,
1:50
which is why when you meet some,
1:53
when you reconnect with somebody from growing up in your 30s,
1:57
it can be a little bit easier to hang out with those people
2:00
because you have a ton of shared mutual experiences from the past.
2:05
But as you get older,
2:07
one of the cool things about getting older
2:09
is that you have an increased level of self-awareness.
2:11
You understand like, okay, I don't vibe with this type of a person.
2:15
I don't like this type of a personality.
2:16
I don't really want to live my life in this sort of way.
2:20
I'd actually prefer to live my life in this sort of a way.
2:23
So the more self-awareness that you get,
2:25
the more difficult it is to find the commonality with other people
2:29
because they're also becoming more self-aware.
2:31
They're also becoming their own individual person,
2:33
their own unique person.
2:35
So as we all get older together,
2:38
when you connect with somebody,
2:41
it becomes more difficult to connect with them on a commonality level
2:45
because you both have different interests
2:48
and you've grown up enough to understand what your interests really are.
2:52
Whereas when you get roomed with somebody in college,
2:55
it's like, you don't really even know.
2:57
I mean, everybody's just trying to figure out who they are.
2:59
So it's a little bit easier to connect with everybody
3:01
because everybody's just open to connect with anybody
3:03
because they haven't experienced the pain of a bad friendship
3:07
or the experience the pain of a betrayal before.
3:10
And so you're just sort of green to all of those things
3:12
and open to way more connection than somebody who's a little bit older
3:15
who might be a tad jaded, who had a negative experience in the past.
3:19
So increased self-awareness leads to a decrease in mutual interest.
3:23
Time management is increasingly more difficult to older.
3:25
We have other priorities, something that we kind of talked about
3:28
on a previous episode.
3:30
We got family, both immediate family,
3:32
meaning that if you're married, you have your spouse and your kids.
3:35
If you have kids, if you don't have those things,
3:37
then you still have your immediate family, your parents,
3:40
or your brothers and sisters.
3:42
There's work obligations, there's family obligations.
3:45
And then if you want to do any sort of personal work outside of that,
3:49
like go into the gym or reading a book or just managing your life,
3:54
like being on hold for three and a half hours
3:57
to talk to your insurance company, to change your policy,
4:00
your bank calls you.
4:02
There's just a bunch of adult life stuff that gets in the way.
4:05
So time management becomes increasingly more difficult
4:07
because there's just less time to be able to just go do random stuff
4:11
where you might have the chance encounter of meeting somebody
4:14
that actually becomes a friend.
4:16
Not to mention you throw in rest.
4:17
It's like at some point you got to sleep.
4:19
Sleep's pretty important.
4:20
So you just have way more demands in your time.
4:23
And then you add that to number one,
4:26
which is the self-awareness piece.
4:28
It's like, man, well, I went out the last three weekends
4:31
and all that ended up happening was I spent a bunch of money
4:33
and I met a bunch of douchebags, so I didn't enjoy.
4:35
And frankly, I would rather just be by myself
4:38
and drink some wine and watch a show that I know I enjoy
4:42
by myself in the comfort of my home for this evening
4:46
because I just want to relax.
4:48
And so you start choosing those things instead of going out
4:51
and seeking opportunities to meet more people.
4:54
And then the last thing that I wrote down on this is
4:56
that you don't have existing friend circles
4:59
that help you meet new people.
5:01
And this is especially true if you are in a new city
5:03
or you've just took a new job
5:05
or there's something new in your life,
5:07
is that you don't have, you know,
5:10
if you stayed in your hometown
5:12
and you hang out with all the same friends,
5:14
it might be easier to meet new people
5:16
because your buddy got a job at this place
5:18
and met a couple of people there
5:19
who are similar to your friend group.
5:21
And so when you go out to the bar this weekend,
5:23
you're invited out a couple of his new work friends.
5:25
And now you can meet those people
5:26
and potentially make friends there.
5:28
And you know that you have some sort of commonality
5:30
or else your friend wouldn't have connected with those people.
5:32
But if you move to a new city and you're in a new place
5:35
and all of a sudden all of that, that's all gone.
5:37
You don't have this existing network of people
5:39
who are bringing new people into your world.
5:41
So how do we combat this?
5:44
How do we combat all of these things?
5:46
First off, you got to be a master of your schedule.
5:49
So if you're in a position, especially if you're in a new city
5:51
and you're really trying to go out and meet new people
5:53
or make new friends, then do not allow for dead time
5:58
So this does not mean that you don't get to rest.
6:00
This does not mean that you don't ever get to relax one
6:03
like by yourself with a bottle of wine and a good Netflix show.
6:07
It doesn't mean that you don't get those things.
6:09
It just means that that should also be scheduled.
6:12
Right? So schedule rest, schedule, schedule,
6:16
Netflix date with myself Friday night.
6:19
I am not going to cancel on that.
6:21
It's like the like the Grinch.
6:22
I can't cancel that again.
6:24
You just want to want to make sure
6:26
that you're putting these things in your calendar
6:28
because if you schedule the activity,
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then you're more likely to go do that thing.
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And or an accountability partner or somebody
7:34
who's also trying to go do some of these things.
7:36
Maybe you meet somebody out in an effort to make new friendships.
7:39
And it's like, okay, well, what are you doing?
7:41
Oh, you're going to that thing next Thursday night?
7:43
Okay, well, I'm going to go do that thing with you.
7:45
Text me and make sure that I show up.
7:47
Just don't allow for dead space in your calendar
7:49
because that dead space will more than likely
7:52
be filled with the thing that's easiest for you to fill it with,
7:56
which means that you're probably just going to spend more time
7:59
by yourself at home scrolling TikTok
8:01
or watching the latest Netflix show,
8:03
which as we've discussed in previous episodes
8:05
is not social activity.
8:07
So schedule out your calendar completely.
8:10
Do not allow for any dead space in your calendar.
8:13
Put something on the calendar,
8:15
even if it is going to dinner by yourself.
8:18
So be a master of your of your schedule.
8:20
Do not let your schedule be a master of you.
8:22
Next, go out after dinner and work at coffee shops
8:27
if you work virtually.
8:29
Just get used to doing more things in public instead of being home.
8:33
So instead of, if you know you got a deadline coming up
8:37
and you just finished dinner
8:38
and you're just going to bust out some work on your laptop
8:41
and your kitchen, instead of doing it there,
8:43
go out to a bar, go out to a coffee shop,
8:47
go out somewhere else and do the same work
8:49
that you were going to do at home, but just do it there.
8:52
And again, if you don't have a lot of money to make,
8:55
you're trying to save money,
8:56
order the cheapest thing on the menu,
8:58
get a glass of water every other round
9:00
or do something that's going to not hurt your wallet when you do this.
9:03
Obviously, or else you can just end up spending an extra like
9:06
a thousand bucks a month on going out,
9:08
but it is vital that you just go out and be a part of society
9:13
when you're doing things that you could normally do
9:16
just by yourself at your home.
9:18
And then when you're out, try to meet somebody.
9:21
Just make it a goal.
9:23
Like, I'm going to work at this coffee shop
9:24
and my rule for myself while I go work at this place
9:28
is that I have to meet one person who I've never met before.
9:31
I have to shake hands with somebody.
9:33
I have to say something to somebody.
9:35
I have to comment on somebody's purse or bag or shoes
9:38
or hair or something that just initiates
9:41
some sort of a conversation with somebody
9:43
who I would not have had the pleasure of meeting otherwise.
9:47
Have open body language.
9:49
What are you sitting there?
9:50
If you're going to go sit at the bar
9:52
and get a little bit of work done,
9:53
which I've done on a number of occasions,
9:55
sit on the corner of the bar so that you can have this sort of openness
9:58
to see everybody in each direction
10:01
and pick your head up from your work every once in a while.
10:04
Make eye contact with people.
10:06
Have this open body language
10:08
and then make whatever unattached comments that you can.
10:12
If they reciprocate, introduce yourself.
10:14
I was at a bar one time in...
10:17
I think it was in Miami and I was sitting down
10:20
and just getting a little bit of work done.
10:22
There was a basketball game on TV
10:24
and I noticed the guy sitting next to me
10:27
kept looking up at the TV and watching the game.
10:30
I commented something about the game to the guy
10:34
and I said something about whatever.
10:35
I don't know some player.
10:37
The guy looks over me and goes like,
10:39
I don't really follow basketball
10:41
and then just turned back.
10:42
And I was like, well, that is a perfect example of me
10:45
trying to say something.
10:46
It was absolutely not reciprocated at all.
10:48
Maybe just didn't want to talk or maybe he just thought
10:51
I only wanted to talk about basketball.
10:53
Either case, I didn't push it.
10:55
I'm not going to bug the person who's trying to be by themselves.
10:58
But also, I'm going to make an effort
11:00
just to initiate some conversation around something
11:02
that I thought was a commonality
11:04
because he kept looking up at the TV.
11:05
Turns out he was probably just anxious socially
11:09
and was trying to just do something with his eyes
11:13
as he ate dinner by himself at the bar
11:16
because he didn't actually watch basketball
11:18
or follow basketball at all
11:19
and no idea what I was talking about.
11:21
It was a perfect example of, hey, made an effort
11:25
but look, nothing bad happened.
11:27
There's no negative social consequences here.
11:30
This is the cool thing about making friends
11:33
versus something like getting involved
11:35
in a romantic relationship,
11:37
asking somebody out is there's also virtually no consequences
11:43
to asking somebody out
11:44
except for that the rejection might just feel
11:46
a little bit more personal
11:47
and might hurt a little bit more.
11:48
But when you're making friends,
11:50
there's no reason to take any of that stuff personally
11:52
and I wasn't going to try to force this person into a conversation.
11:57
It was just like, hey, I thought you were watching the game.
12:00
I mentioned something about the game.
12:01
Apparently, you don't care about that
12:03
and you want to be by yourself cool in the worries.
12:06
But then later in the same evening,
12:08
a couple guys end up sitting a few chairs away from me
12:11
and I heard something about one of them
12:14
saying something about work or marketing or something
12:17
and I caught my attention.
12:18
And so I threw out a comment
12:21
about the marketing industry or something.
12:23
We ended up talking for 20, 30 minutes
12:25
and then connecting on social media afterwards
12:27
and nothing ever came from it.
12:28
We never ended up meeting up again
12:30
and frankly, I don't even remember their names
12:32
I don't remember if I even still follow them on Instagram anymore.
12:35
But it was a good example of both of those things happening,
12:38
I guess, in the same night.
12:39
I was what I'm trying to say is that
12:41
you just never know.
12:42
Just say something.
12:43
Train yourself to say one more thing.
12:45
That's one of the best pieces of practical advice
12:47
that I heard about this.
12:48
I think it was from Charlie, from Khrisman Command.
12:51
He basically just says that to people.
12:53
It's just like, try to say one more thing.
12:55
In your normal interactions with the Starbucks barista
12:58
or with the bartender or with the person
13:01
taking your order at the restaurant,
13:03
just get used to saying one more thing.
13:05
You'd usually just say, hey, I want a coffee
13:08
and then you order your drink and then that's it.
13:10
Say something else about the day, about the weather,
13:12
about, like I said, their hair.
13:15
If you don't know what to say,
13:17
compliments are always a really good thing.
13:19
Obviously, there can be some sort of a limit there,
13:22
especially if you're a dude and you're complimenting a woman.
13:25
Understand there are some social ramifications
13:27
if you start being a little bit creepy
13:29
or they might think that you're asking them out
13:32
So there's some, a little bit of danger zone here,
13:35
but most of the time, people like hearing things
13:38
that are positive about themselves.
13:39
So just don't be a creep and default to compliments
13:42
when you can because everybody likes hearing good stuff
13:46
And frankly, frankly, compliments from a stranger to me,
13:49
I feel like go a longer way than even compliments from friends.
13:53
You know what I mean?
13:54
So don't be, don't be frugal with your compliments.
13:59
Don't be cheap with your compliments.
14:01
Give them out freely because there's no,
14:03
there's no negative social consequences
14:05
to giving out compliments.
14:06
Everybody likes hearing good compliments.
14:08
And then engage if what you enjoy and find,
14:13
sorry, engage in what you enjoy,
14:15
little typo in my notes here.
14:17
Engage in what you enjoy in fine ways
14:19
to give people more compliments.
14:21
So maybe make people feel good about themselves.
14:23
People will never remember what you say,
14:24
but they'll always remember how you make them feel.
14:27
And then just remember that it takes pressure off
14:30
of the first impression.
14:32
If somebody's first impression of you is a compliment to them,
14:36
then they're more likely to remember you in a positive light,
14:40
So it'll also give you some additional things
14:42
to talk about potentially.
14:43
So don't be, don't be shy with your compliments.
14:46
Don't be shy by saying anything.
14:48
Just say something, people.
14:50
The future belongs to those who are most willing
14:53
to risk rejection constantly.
14:55
That's just the truth.
14:57
If you are willing to risk rejection more often
15:01
then you will probably gain access
15:03
to more opportunities than other people will gain.
15:05
So especially, especially, especially as technology
15:08
continues to improve,
15:09
AI continues to improve,
15:10
and people's soft skills continue to degrade.
15:13
You will be able to stand out in a sea of people
15:15
who don't know what to say and don't know how to talk to people.
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Somebody who has a strategic advantage
16:20
in that version of the world.
16:22
So start the conversation,
16:24
say something, first, you know,
16:26
the first thing you thought of,
16:28
something about the sports game,
16:29
something about what they're wearing,
16:30
or the jewelry that they have,
16:32
or, you know, something like that.
16:34
So just start, I guess,
16:37
is really the solution here.
16:39
Be a master of your schedule,
16:42
when you're doing something
16:44
that you could normally do at home
16:46
by yourself, if you can do it out,
16:49
and then force yourself to engage
16:51
with the people who are around you.
16:53
Even if it's something small,
16:55
even if it doesn't go anywhere,
16:56
you will honestly feel better about yourself.
16:58
You'll feel more, like,
17:00
you contributed to something that day.
17:02
And even if you never talked to that person again,
17:05
when that person gets home,
17:06
and you offered them a compliment about something,
17:09
the first thing out of their mouth
17:10
is going to be like,
17:11
a coffee shop told me that my,
17:13
you know, shoes were really cool.
17:16
Or somebody at the coffee shop
17:17
said something about my hair,
17:19
and I really appreciated that.
17:20
Like, it's going to be something
17:21
that that person goes and talks about
17:22
to their friend group.
17:23
And you have the ability
17:24
to make that type of a positive impact,
17:26
and make somebody's day a little bit brighter,
17:28
don't pass on those things.
17:31
you never know what people are going through,
17:33
and what type of encouragement
17:34
people need to hear.
17:35
And you never know if that it might
17:36
lead to something really cool in your life.
17:38
But I guarantee you,
17:40
that just opting to be by yourself all the time
17:42
is not going to lead to any
17:44
potential opportunities in your life.
17:46
Although I do find that
17:48
hanging out with myself is really important,
17:50
and building a good relationship yourself
17:51
is vital and valuable.
17:53
If you only ever build a relationship with yourself,
17:55
there are still consequences
17:58
Like we talked about in a previous episode.
18:00
There's the difference between social isolation
18:03
You know, loneliness is the
18:05
subjective internal feeling of not belonging,
18:07
and a social isolation
18:09
is the objective third party measurement
18:11
of how much time you spend with the people.
18:13
If you are somebody who does not feel feelings of loneliness,
18:16
but you are socially isolated,
18:18
there's just as many physical
18:20
and mental health consequences to that,
18:22
as there are to somebody who feels
18:23
internal subjective feelings of loneliness,
18:24
even though they're surrounded by people.
18:26
So don't delude yourself into thinking
18:28
that you just don't need people.
18:29
We all need people.
18:30
We're all hardwired biologically
18:32
to crave social connection and belonging,
18:34
so do not leave that part out of the equation.
18:36
So that's it for this episode of the show.
18:39
How to make better friends in your 30s.
18:41
Get out, talk to people.
18:43
The bad news here guys is that it's going to take work.
18:46
You're going to be uncomfortable.
18:48
You're going to have to engage with uncertainty.
18:50
But that is how literally everything in life is.
18:53
So stop demanding so much of life.
18:58
Stop demanding that life meet all of your expectations
19:01
without being willing to give life,
19:03
you know, meet life halfway.
19:06
It's like you demand all these things from God,
19:08
from life, from the universe, from whatever it is
19:10
that you believe, yet you just sit at home
19:13
and just hope that you can manifest it into existence.
19:16
It's just not how it works.
19:17
You got to get out and you got to do stuff
19:19
that makes you uncomfortable.
19:20
And this is definitely one of those activities
19:23
that's worthy of the discomfort
19:25
that you might feel when you engage in it.
19:27
So that's it for this episode of the show.
19:29
Thanks so much for tuning in.
19:30
Catch you guys in the next one.