Thanks For Being Here - Nora McInerny Honors her Grandmother Mary Jane

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weekly pod to remind us of the many essential and beautiful ways we affect one another every Sunday

I'll read a submission from a listener of kelly corrigan wonders could be wedding vows or about

mitzvatoast a eulogy or retirement speech we believe this is probably the loveliest way to tap

into our better selves and remember our highest values we encourage you to share this podcast each

week with one person you love maybe someone you miss need to bring closer someone you want to

feel your appreciation or admiration or both this is thanks for being here

this week's thanks for being here is a special visit from my friend Nora McInerney who runs thanks

for asking which is a 10-year-old podcast that's about as human as they get and I wondered with Nora

who is a woman of consequence in your life it's almost impossible for me to answer that question

because the people of most consequence in my life are women I I struggle to you you know I think

I can think of no I can think of five to six men I can think to five five to six men of

consequence in my life but my life is the product of women female friendships female relationships the

people who have built me into the person that I am are amazing women can I ask was it always that way

always my entire life I grew up in a matriarchy you know my my both of my grandmothers had

I gave birth to 10 children raised nine children a piece my maternal grandmother was the center

of our world even though she was a fully independent woman that we saw when it was convenient for her

okay she graduated college she was like 83 I believe I might have to fact check that she went back

to school in her 80s got a degree she lived up in the forests of northern Minnesota fully

independently why did she go back to college in her 80s do you know she had time my grandpa was

dead that man I'm just finally finally got free of her lifelong you know partner supportive gentle

man and she said I I've raised nine kids I've got almost 30 grandchildren she was an artist she

dropped out of college in the depression ran out of money just never went back and she went

back and got a degree in studio arts she had taken all these classes at community colleges and

you know little arts organizations and when she traveled she would take art classes and she

discovered that she it was a very talented ceramicist that she was a good painter and she wanted

to actually go and get her degree and she did it she started at a community college up in northern

Minnesota and then she would commute two and a half or three hours down to the Twin Cities down to

Minneapolis to the University of Minnesota for her classes and she graduated you know 60 some

years after she first started her degree so that's amazing and my mom and her sisters were really close

like I just grew up surrounded by women who kind of like did their own thing and I thought that was

normal you know I just thought that was I thought that was normal my mom had really really close female

friendships those women were you know aunts to me it's even hard sometimes for you know my

husband he's like no is this a real aunt or is this one of your mom's friends and I have to think

I'm like a friend friend I believe yeah friend yeah yeah yeah my mom had great women friendships

she called on the pigeons which was like her little take on the hands yes I love that and yeah

it's just a huge role model for me I'm like oh this is one way to get through yeah this is one

way to like accumulate enough wisdom to carry you through the barrage of experiences that are

surely coming your way you know it's like a mechanism for accumulating scenario specific wisdom

yes like this is what you do when your kids addicted this is what you do when your husband leaves

this is what you do around a loss this is what you do when there's a bankruptcy like we were just

so many chapters happening around her yeah and everybody like those female friendships too I think like

you hold different parts of each other and you hold each other's histories and you can pick up

and leave off and just sort of like meet each other where you are and I loved seeing when I was

growing up you know we didn't take a ton of family vacations my dad liked different things

than the rest of us he had been in Vietnam he wasn't going to a cabin in the woods you know he's

like I I did my time I don't want you to suffer I want to go to a golf course the rest of us knew

the universal truth that golf is extremely boring okay we don't we don't want to do it right I tried

my mom would take us on these wild road trips planned only through I have no idea um road

with triple A used to do it you used to be able to call triple A hey kids yeah tune in while two old

ladies tell you I used to be but you used to be able to call triple A and be like I'd like to do a

drive yeah from Rhode Island to Boston to Connecticut and then they would map a trip for you and send

you documents honest to God that's so wise and say here stop here and these are their roadside motels

that you can stay in and here's their cost and here's their phone number yeah okay Kelly I I have

to call my mom because when I asked her how did you do this she goes oh I just didn't have a plan I

just would sort of you know I'd look at a road at list and I just figured well there's going to be

something there's going to be someplace just I was so into those books represented possibility to

me they were possibly my mom had all the yeah all the maps in fact my mom just died and we cleaned out

everything and then when I got to the car there was something about the stuff in the in the glove

that kind of killed me yeah it was these maps were so old she never switched gears she never went to

some kind of app on her phone she just wanted that big piece of paper and also I bet that made her

smarter I have to say that using a map on my phone has made me almost tragically dumb to the point

I can't I can't agree with you more I can't even get to the grocery store embozeman where I've lived

for five years same same I am like Edward is it that it's right it's here right he's like what are

you talking about how could you not know this we go here twice a week for five years how would I

know what a single place have ever been I can't retain that kind of information and also if a map

is telling me I need it to not tell me take a right in 400 feet I don't know what 400 feet is I

needed to say right like like a navigator would in the olden times with your mother you'd be in

the front seat holding that map and you'd say okay looks like it's coming up and you're going to

look right after this okay it's here it's here it's here it's here that's what I need that's

right I need someone to be right after the blue car go go go that's totally totally that's what I

need and I was just telling the girls that my daughters that people used to say okay and then

there's a really tall pine tree take a right after the really tall pine tree yeah I mean that's

like kuku pants okay wait take me back to your grandmother I want to know her name oh Mary Jane

right on Mary Jane okay so let's just raise a little glass to Mary Jane on the way you've got to

raise a glass of red wine to Mary Jane okay who would say outstanding you know I don't know she

just really wanted us all to live our lives and not worry about things she was just like the least

judgmental person that I've ever met and she just delighted in us and she delighted in all of our

antics and again she wasn't grandmotherly in the sense that she was I mean she was knitting right

she's mostly knitting for herself she taught me how to knit she sewed she'd sew me a dress or

she'd sew me pajamas but she would let us go into her ceramic studio which was like this little

shed that my grandpa had built for her in the woods and she would let us make anything that we

wanted out of clay and she wouldn't overly teach us right she she would let us get on the wheel

but she'd be like well if you're not going to do it I'm not going to fire it right I'm not going to

fire garbage I'm not going to I'm not going to make I'm not going to help you make garbage you've

got to make something and you've got to care about it and you've got to put time into it and if it's

good we'll fire it and if it comes out great I'll even let you paint it glaze it and we'll put it

back in you know she had this beautiful beautiful garden up there filled with you know like real food

real food and we would have to go out and you know pick sugar snap peas and pick raspberries

for to make into jam and she was always just making things and doing things but she lived

independently you know my grandpa died when I was 10 years old and my grandma lived

up in the woods in a cabin that I when people imagine a cabin I think they imagine like a lake house

they imagine a cottage when I say cabin I mean cabin okay I mean like one one big room one tiny

room with think shack think shack I want you to think whatever you're thinking I want you to

like lower the expectation okay there's where's the shower well it's a little tin box in a carved

out basement that they dug out in the 70s I'd never sought without a spider in it just get some

organic shampoo and go down to the lake itself that kind of situation um can I ask you when your

husband died yeah was she did she come immediately to mind like as a woman who figured out how to

be in the world I'll buy her lots of um yeah honestly I'm gonna cry now um yeah she did I

I don't know I just I never even when my life was really scary you know when when my my

husband was sick when you know I was pregnant and having a baby right after he had a brain surgery

or you know he was literally dying in our house a part of me it just knew that I would be okay

because all of the women in my life had gone through something something very big

you know my grandmother had like you know buried two of her children and still showed up

every day not like she was a perfect person but was wildly in love with life still and I

knew that was so important because I'd seen her do that that's amazing that's the most amazing thing

about real loss yeah is when you see that they can still laugh and they can still embrace a moment

they can still be thrilled like it's like they're not gone there's there's there's something so

astonishing about that my cousin Kathy lost her son Aaron and he was 19 it's a summer after his

freshman year and I remember going shoe shopping with her in New York and she got off on these

hilarious like animal print loafers at the you know designer shoe warehouse and they were like

$29 and then we got to the counter and they were like these are 50% off and she just all day long

was like can you believe I am walking around in $15 shoes like look at these shoes like I feel like

stepping people on the street and saying I got these shoes for $15 and I thought oh my god it's

it's just astonishing to me and maybe like the most beautiful thing that you can get off on these

yeah Kelly is she from the Midwest by any chance Virginia oh wow okay I mean I just when I

hear somebody do you attribute that kind of resilience to like a Midwestern mindset I attribute the

appreciation of a sale on a sale item to the Midwest where I am I am obligated I'm legally

obligated if you compliment anything I own I have to tell you what it cost and that I got it

as a deal it's only reason why it's fun yeah and I'm like I have to say be fun if you've

loved my sweater and I was like yeah I paid full price so you better love it extra 10% off the

sale price because there was like a loose thread you know I got right and I can handle that

loose thread I can sew a button back on no problem but they don't know that about me they don't

know that about me so I'm going to act like this button is a deal breaker and I'm getting that

extra 10% okay that's right I don't know if I really want to buy this but I did wonder if I did

I assume there would be some sort of discount I mean it's not wearable Kelly Corrigan wonders if

the button is missing 15% 20 we kind of know I'm going to just kind of I get here that's what I

wonder yeah that's oh my god I'm Kelly Corrigan today I'm wondering about this button don't you

think oh my god I feel so busted do you think I get do you think I get a little bit more of a deal

but you know Kelly to answer your question to go back to that question about my grandma you know

my dad not to really truly ruin your audience's day but you know my dad died a few weeks before my

husband Aaron died and I remember feeling like my grandma was a good example for my mom you know

like really feeling like okay my mom has seen her mother do this and and again if so we can all like

down like the lineage right of like grandma mom me I was like we can all do this right like

grandma did it first and she did it you know she did it so beautifully and she lived like a really

really beautiful full life alongside of her losses and right you know truly everything that she

did like she did with so much she just did with so much joy she was just such a delight to be around

she delighted in the things you know and I remember I got to take look one big trip with her she

came along with my family we went to Italy after my junior year of high school for my brother's god

mother's third wedding okay and my brother kept saying well you know you can't miss your god mother

third wedding okay he's a ninth grade he's like I wouldn't miss my god mother's third wedding

for the world okay I had to be here and just everything that we did in Italy and you should be

delighted right you know you should be delighted by life it's a place of delight it's a place is

delight tastes in the you know but I'm 17 I've just gotten my braces off I am still like I'm so

time six feet tall I haven't figured out how to use that yet to my advantage I'm just like so

self-conscious and like you know my grandma is like stand up put your shoulders back like all

that boy so cute go talk to him like who cares like go talk to him just like such a hype woman

for me and watching her move through this like country now with like any fear whatsoever not with

any you know self-consciousness like you know trying out the Italian phrase book that she's

studied in the months to come those things can be so embarrassing to a teenager I have now two

teenagers one I don't ask a nine I'm not calling a nine-year-old a tween okay that's a kid

okay we're not I'm not doing it's not right I'm not doing that but if he still sits in your lap

he's not a baby he's a baby and we call him baby and he will be your world's worst husband for that

reason I'm ruining someone just for you I'm so sorry I will be a tone for it as a mother-in-law

I promise you future future child's partner but I know how deeply embarrassing adults are to

two teenagers and I was just a deeply embarrassed teenager and that just sort of like unlocked

something for me on that trip you know like there's I just it felt freer being around a person who

was so so free and so like excited to be there and so excited to say you know

un vino perfeiter how do you think how do you think Mary Jane being your grandmother affects you

professionally like I have a feeling that you're one of those people and I think I am too where

there's just not a big difference between the way I operate up you know on a Friday night at six

o'clock and the way I operate Monday morning at nine a.m. like I I'm sort of the same person in a

meeting as I am at a happy hour yes unfortunately for me and I'm guessing you are too but I wonder if

you look back on sort of the notes you were taking yeah from your grandmother all those years

in the way she sort of met the day yeah I and if you if you think that affects you professionally

I'm coming off of a weekend with three of my favorite cousins on my mother's side

and what I think when I was like looking at us this weekend of course we talked about about

grandma there was so much like in our trip that she would have loved and appreciated and

when I look at the four of us specifically I think like oh we are our grandmothers granddaughters

for sure and we all have almost I don't want to say fearlessness because I'm also like a very

you know depressive like sort of anxious person which my grandma just wasn't she's she's

very like buoyant person but there's something where like I can just do something like I can just

try something right and my life and my career filled with things that I've tried that just like

have not worked out at all some things that people would like find you know embarrassing like

or or cringey and I don't care you know like I don't care and I would Kelly to your point like

I would really love to be a mysterious person and people wonder like God I wonder what she's

thinking you know wonder if I could figure her out like you you can figure me out quite

quite easily I put all the cheat codes turtles all the way down I mean coming in

can't be right down the middle I put cheat codes out there everybody knows and I think that

curiosity and that I don't want to say like bravery because sometimes it's almost like bordering

on on foolishness but for a person who is prone to worry I also have a little bit of like

like what are you gonna do like what are you gonna do check so like maybe maybe I will move

you know to a forest in the middle of the woods when I'm in my 60s and maybe I'll you know

go back to school when I'm in my 80s and maybe I'll decide to try to learn like a new style of

painting or really any style of painting and you know I don't know but I do think that I get that

from her I get that from my mom because my mom is Mary Jane's daughter my mom just does things

right she just tries things she is unpredictable and as a kid you think for the love of God Margaret

like could you could you not let my brother um cock a plastic turtle to the hood of your car

like a hood ornament and then drive me around in that yeah yeah I would let that happen I'm in

I would too I didn't know you could do that I gotta get off this car right now and go

cock something to the hood of my car I have no idea if it's possible you have to do it it's

perfectly legal no one can stop you as a teenager I was so embarrassed by stuff like that you know

I was so the things that were embarrassing to me as a teenager or as a kid when like you know

conformity was my highest goal especially as a person like who's you know sticks out like

physically like you you cannot be a six foot tall eighth grader and and not stand out right people

do you think you're you're a mother um when you're you're when you're dressed where's Nora

her mother's here when when you're dressed in head to toe like and Taylor and my my daughter

Claire's 510 and she used to borrow my Talbot's clothes yeah oh I love to Talbot's like that looks

and I thought she looked great I was like that's so cute you look so cute she gets out there I am

your daughter she gets out with that I ever had was a Talbot's silk suit that I wore to a wedding hot

pink silk suit come on I was like 16 years old in a Talbot suit with like a little vest underneath

my god mm-hmm all day long Nora yeah all right so let's wrap this up and say cheers to the great Mary

Jane cheers to Mary Jane thanks Nora thank you we'll be back on Tuesday with another episode from

the Women of Consequence series and on Friday with a brand new go-to this episode was made possible

by a grant from Ingaborg initiatives a social impact platform dedicated to improving maternal

health and making it easier to raise a family to learn more please visit Ingaborginitiatives.com

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