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About this Episode
Offers dramatic narratives that delve into human emotions and experiences, each story crafted to resonate with listeners on a personal level.
Hosts & Guests
Transcript
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Hi, a baby.
Say, how about a little owl?
Should that answer your question, buddy?
The adventures of Maisie, starring Anne Southerd.
You all remember Metro Golden Mayor's famous Maisie pictures.
In just a moment, you will hear Maisie in radios,
starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen,
Anne Southerd.
But first, you're an outer.
And now, here's Anne Southerd as Maisie.
Yet, I'm Maisie, like the fella said.
By profession, I'm in the theater.
But I just quit my job as a showgirl because of the costumes.
The producer won't be the show too much girl.
Anyway, hanging around theatrical agents offices as much as I do.
Some of how they find out.
And now, here's Anne Southerd as Maisie.
Yet, I'm Maisie, like the fella said.
By profession, I'm in the theater.
But I just quit my job as a showgirl because of the costumes.
And now, they function as rubbed off on me.
So I think maybe I'd better try that way as Darwin too.
The last month, by luck, I ran into a handsome actor, Bill Maddox.
Who I thought had possibilities.
I really thought Bill could become a star on the stage.
Because he had good looks for six feet, two, and had the schmalt,
see kind of the speaking voice that could give you goose pimples.
The only thing Bill lacked for stage experience.
So right away, I took him to see the latest hit drama.
I wanted Bill to get a load of how Matinee Idol No. 1, Ronaldo Gomez, performed.
So he could maybe learn a little something before I started a line about him to produce it.
But after we saw the great Ronaldo's performance and were coming out of the theater,
me and Bill had our first argument.
Ah, you call that acting Maisie. I call it corn.
Well, for your information, Bill Maddox, that corn brings Ronaldo Gomez $5,000
a bushel. You should act such corn.
Not me, honey. I'm young yet. I'd like to live.
Why, I've got more talent in my little finger than Gomez has in his whole body.
Two bad women aren't interested in little fingers. They go for the whole man.
Ah. If you could learn just half of what Ronaldo knows about acting,
I can tell you that any producer.
Maisie, don't tell me that you thought that love scene and the second act was good.
Good. When Ronaldo gave Carlotta that passionate farewell kiss,
my popcorn started shooting its way out of the bag.
Oh, you women are all the same about these imported, great lovers.
Personally, to me, Ronaldo kissed the girl like he was playing a harmonica.
Hmm. It should happen to me.
All right, Bill. You're my client and even though you are an actor, you can still have brains.
What didn't you like about Ronaldo's performance?
What about his overacting?
Overacting.
Why, I thought it was just super.
I mean, especially on the death scene, how gladly he gave up his life for love.
And then when he was shot, he died laughing.
So did the audience.
Oh, Bill, you're just like, oh man, never get credit where credit is due.
Oh, well, look, Miss Revere.
If you don't think enough of my opinions, maybe I should get somebody else to keep me on and fall.
Oh, no, no, Bill. I have absolute confidence that you can someday be a big star.
Oh, thank you.
And I know that if you listen to my advice, someday you'll have convertible cars, a yacht,
penthouse apartment, and so much money you'll get bolegged carrying it to the bank.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
We're going to be the most successful artist, agent, team in the world, Bill.
Gee.
You know, this million dollar team should celebrate in style.
Yeah. Celebrate.
But, Maisie, that costs money.
Ah, what's money? Come on.
Where are we going?
Into this drugstore and have a Coke.
Gee, a Coke.
Maybe you'll let me drink it out of your slipper.
Ah, nobody says this to the great Ronaldo Gomez.
That even you, the producer of this, you will pardon the expression, play.
But the great Ronaldo was not superb in tonight's performance.
It looked Ronaldo. Let's not get ourselves out.
You've been getting away with that public nervous breakdown you call acting for a long time now.
But the public is starting to get wise.
That's so.
Did you see how many empty seats there were tonight?
Empty seats. You want, I should notice, during my performance.
The great Ronaldo was an artist.
Well, I am acting. I'm acting. Not bullkeeping.
Well, I'm bullkeeping. There were 228 empty seats.
227. In the 12th row of the balcony, there was a meager.
No wonder you have to be prompted on your lines.
You're always counting the house during the performance to make sure you're not cheated on your percentage.
You cannot say that to the great Gomez.
The great Gomez is the greatest artist in the whole world.
Yeah, who told you that?
Nobody has to tell me. I admit it.
Since you're so honest, you've got to admit that you're not drawing them in like you used to.
After all, don't forget the famous saying.
You can fool some of the people some of the time.
And you can fool all of the people some of the time.
Who said that?
I said who said that?
Abraham Lincoln.
It's too bad he isn't leaving.
I would challenge him to a duel like I did in my own country.
Now, please. Handle me my hat.
Oh, sure, Ronaldo here.
You're going right home, I hope.
No, first I go to the drugstore, next door to make a purchase of one stamp.
Right, my friend in Brazil, he should send me the newspaper clipping about the duel I have made with that critic.
There is one thing I must find out.
Do you mean if he dies?
No, if he spells my name right.
We're closing the store up in a few minutes, folks.
You want another coke?
Oh, that silly clerk.
Me and Bill haven't finished this one yet.
Yeah, you see my agent here don't usually order a coke for the two of us.
But tonight, we're celebrating.
Oh, sure.
I just knew this was some festive occasion.
That's right. That's why I ordered a large one.
But you can be a pal, pal, and bring another straw.
Another white foam expecting a friend to join you?
No. I want to beat out my brains with signing up with her for my agent.
Why, Bill, that's a nasty thing to say.
I raised your prices enacted, didn't I?
Oh, that you did. But you didn't get me any work.
I know. But I have faith in you, Bill. I know you've got talent.
But, Macy, I've heard rumors that the thing is for the producers to become aware of me.
Oh, but it's a wonderful idea.
I said something when I wasn't listening.
Yeah. What you need is publicity, and I'm going to get it for you.
I'll have your name and headlines in all the papers.
But to do that, you've got to have connections with newspapers.
Do you know any reporters or editors, Macy?
Oh, do I know any reporters or editors? Do I know any reporters or editors?
Well, do you?
Please don't interrupt. I'm trying to remember.
Well, why are you trying to remember?
I got to call my boarding house to see if any office came in from other agents.
Where?
Uh, Dal. I got a nickel for the phone.
Sure, Dal, here. I always save some money for emergencies.
Thanks. Be right back.
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Warning, the following Zippercruder radio spot you are about to hear
is going to be filled with F words.
When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.
For Lauren even, like your efforts are futile,
and you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people,
only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine.
Fortunately, Zippercruder figured out how to fix all that.
And right now, you can try Zippercruder for free at zippercruder.com slash zip.
With Zippercruder, you can forget your frustrations,
because we find the right people for your roles fast,
which is our absolute favorite effort.
In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zippercruder
get a quality candidate within the first day.
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Uh-oh, my day is now complete.
Here comes that South American meathead Ronaldo Gomez again.
Ronaldo Gomez?
Yeah.
Oh, he looks like such a skinny thing in person.
What happened to all those muscles?
Must have left them in his other suit.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, with a pest.
He's always coming in here just before closing
and buys himself a dung's where the nickels for a phone call.
Look!
Come here at once.
The great Ronaldo would like to purchase the stuff.
Oh, no.
A stamp.
Well, it's a good thing I didn't close up earlier.
I would have missed out on all this business.
Hardly customer mine can't keep her in all the waiting.
It gets as mad as a hornet, you know?
Oh, well, all after the temperamental.
Hmm, not like Ronaldo, Jim.
With him, it's 90% temper and 10% mental.
If I don't give him quick service with a smile, he gets so mad,
he challenges me to a duel.
A duel?
Yeah.
A hurt.
Duel.
Duel.
Duel.
Oh, you've just given me a great publicity idea.
Huh?
Bill told me he studied Swordsmanship at college.
Oh, smart move on your boyfriend's part, lady.
Sure as a great market for a guy who can use a sword,
might even get himself a job in the parks picking up papers.
Well, no.
I mean, if Bill and he would duel, it would get in all the papers.
Yeah.
Could be.
And maybe Ronaldo would get killed.
That's a beautiful thought.
Um, because those dueling characters first have to be insulted by a fella.
And he's usually over a woman.
A stamp.
Please.
And I don't know what like a stamp.
Yeah, a stamp.
Coming up.
Oh, same as where you're going.
Son, you just hired a new stamp saleswoman,
the kind that insults.
It's not easy.
Oh, I get it.
Your boyfriend and her fears.
Gomez challenges him to a duel.
And then, for further details,
consult your morning newspapers.
Goodbye now.
Sorry to start with something I've never seen.
And they're best customers, too.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Gomez.
What can I do for you?
Oh, sir.
You are here to declare, huh?
See, see, senior.
They've been doing such a busy stamp business in this drug store
that just had to put on extra help.
Oh, good.
I am in a large hurry.
One stamp, please.
Oh, well, yes, sir.
You're lucky because we just got in some fresh this morning.
How about a nice airmail stamp?
Sir, there's six cents.
No, I want to play in stamp for three cents.
Oh, you don't care to go that high, huh?
Well, how about a nice five cents stamp there?
Uh, senior, all I want is for three cents a stamp.
I wish to write a letter, and I am in a hurry.
Oh, well, in that case, our airmail is just the thing.
It gets there much faster, you know.
All you do is write the letter.
Let's the same.
And, you're, Rita.
You are making me mad, like anything.
Do you want me to lose my temper entirely?
Not just yet, senior.
That is better.
Now, one, three cents stamp.
Please.
Yes, sir.
What kind of stamp?
American or Egyptian?
Please, please, sell me a stamp and stop being such a pest.
Pest?
Well, I like that I really do.
I have never been so insolent in my life.
Still?
Oh, Bill?
Great.
Ronaldo insults you, senior.
But this, this cannot be.
In my contrary, the man who insults a lady is shoved down like a dog.
Well, say your prayers, lassie.
You call me amazing?
Yes, my hero.
This beast, this monster, he insulted me.
Well, I should go to say something to him.
Hello?
Uh-huh, senior.
You do not know me, eh?
Not like I know you.
Bill, this man doesn't know me.
He doesn't?
And he said I was a pest.
He did?
Yes.
I thought you said he didn't know you.
Yes, sir.
I can explain.
No, Bill.
This is your big chance, your big, big chance.
Bill, I demand that you challenge this man to a duel.
Pistols at 20 paces.
A duel?
Pistols at 20 paces?
Yes, sir.
Isn't this going a little too far?
Well, all right.
Make a 10 paces.
Amazing.
I think it's silly to challenge a perfect stranger to a silly old duel.
Don't mind her, Mr. Gomez.
Yes, and you're the greats.
And I'm now the Gomez.
You mean you?
This little shrimp is what's left of that ham, Gomez?
After that stage costume is removed?
Oh, no.
Senior, for that insult, I forget the great danger.
And challenge you to a duel.
Oh, gosh, thanks, senior.
You're a sport.
Okay, Sunny, sure.
A nice little duel, huh?
Eh, what'd it be?
Spit balls at 20 paces.
Well, you two decide.
I've got to make a phone call.
This is a scoop from both of us.
You laugh now, senior.
But tomorrow morning at sunrise,
you will laugh from the other side of your face.
If I decide to leave you another side,
we shall fight with pistols at 20 paces.
Oh, calm now.
Sunny, I was only kidding why at 20 paces,
I couldn't even see a tiny target like you.
I may not be large like you, senior.
But with the pistols, I am the best marksman in all of South America.
You're kidding.
Right, you?
The last man I killed in my own country
said to me just like that.
You know what?
Actually killed a man.
Dead, like anything.
Like anything.
I shoot him right between the eyes
and believe me,
between that snake's eyes,
there was very little room.
Adios, senior.
Until tomorrow at dawn.
Adios, senior.
If I'm not there,
just go ahead without me.
Well, it's all set, Bill.
I just called up the newspapers.
What for, Maisie?
To put my name in the obituary column?
Oh, no, silly.
I told them that you just challenged the great actor
and now they'll go miss to a duel.
They're going to have reporters and photographers
down tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow your face will be spread all over.
The rest of me will be spread all over, too.
Maisie, why did you get me into this?
Well, for publicity, you dope.
You want people the world over to read your name, don't you?
Yeah, but not on a tombstone.
Oh, don't be silly, Bill.
Gomez won't really go through with it when he sees you mean business.
You want a bet?
He's the best shot in South America.
He is.
But he wouldn't want to kill a man.
Why not?
One more or less should make any difference to him.
You mean he already, with a gun, being there?
Yeah, already, once before.
Being banged.
Maisie, I'm going to faint.
Catch me.
You catch me, Bill.
Remember, ladies, first.
The adventures of Maisie, starring Anne Sutheran
will continue in just a moment.
And now, back to Maisie.
Look, Mr. Gomez, I know you think I came up to your hotel
and woke you so early in the morning because I'm afraid to die,
but there's one thing I must tell you.
That you are not a little bit scared, senor.
No, I'm a whole lot scared.
He's show my Ronaldo.
You can't kill this man in a duel.
He didn't be bad publicity for our show.
The honor of the great Ronaldo has been insulted.
And the only way the insult can be wiped out is with blood.
But gosh, Ronaldo, I don't like to be killed.
It's so, well, it's so unhealthy.
Yes, why do you have to go whole hog on this, Ronaldo?
Wouldn't that pesky honor of yours be satisfied?
If you made a tiny bullet hole in Maddox?
Say, you're right here, maybe?
No, that would not satisfy me.
Me neither.
I look sort of conspicuous going around with three nostrils.
Ronaldo, I forbid you to go through with this silly duel.
You might get shot by accident.
I'd have to return the money for our advance sale.
Money, money, money, senor.
There are more important things in this world than money.
No, I know you're out of your mind.
Look, Ronaldo, if it's just your lousy honor that has to be appeased,
I'm willing to make a public apology to the report.
That will not do.
Hey, you.
Reporters.
You from the newspaper?
Well, yes.
Mazey arranged to have them witness the duel this morning
with cameras and everything.
The whole thing was just supposed to be a stunt for publicity.
Publicity?
You're for free?
Yeah.
I can see the headlines now.
Bill Maddox, in.
He fought for his honor.
Absolutely his last performance.
Yeah, but that's a wonderful idea, Maddox.
He teased out of this world.
Yeah, but I don't want to be out of this world.
I'd like to stay in it for a while.
I mean terrific publicity, for no money, for all show, for Ronaldo.
See?
I will be magnificent, like never before, in front of the cameras.
Senor Bill, I will shoot you left-handed.
That is my much more better profile.
Hey, nothing doing.
I'm calling this whole thing off.
I'm starving to death slowly.
I know, but I don't mind.
I'm in no hurry.
But you won't have to be shot, Maddox.
We can use blank bullets in the guns.
Look, I'll make all the arrangements for the duel.
We'll put it on this morning in the alley behind the theater.
He'd time to make the morning papers.
They don't want to fill the house for the day's matinee.
Well, I'll see you later, fellas.
Come, Senor Bill.
Amigo.
Sit down, have some breakfast.
Ah, you look so thin.
You will make a difficult target to shoot today.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll take bullets, naturally.
Look, Ronaldo, all power.
We mustn't tell anybody that this duel is going to be a phony.
No one, not even your agents, Senor Eferovir.
Especially not Maisie.
You see, pal, she thinks that you're the world's best actor.
Ah, but does not everyone.
Look, look, look, look.
It is futile, Maisie, dear heart.
You cannot sway me from this little thing I need to do.
To avenge your phony.
Little thing.
Feel that little thing happens to be your life,
and you ought to save it for your old age.
You've got to go to Gomez and apologize.
Apologize.
Never dear heart.
Never.
Never.
Never.
Never.
Oh, but bail.
Don't be too rough, please.
Never.
Never, I say.
Oh.
I am not of a cowardly turn, my sweet.
I have read bloody my vein.
And if you want to keep it in there,
call off this silly duel.
Be not a grieved, small one.
This is not farewell forever.
When I am gone,
I will still be with you.
You shall have my ashes.
Ashes.
Oh, bail.
Cry not obeyed.
This is merely a war for the nuns.
We shall be together again in another world.
But I don't want to be your agent in another world.
This is when I got contacts in.
This is my duty, Legion.
And I am glad.
Oh.
Glad to lay down my life at the honor of womanhood.
She'll never be besmirched and threatened in the dust.
Oh, bail.
That's so corny.
Corny.
You cried when Ronaldo Gomez said that in the play.
Yeah, but that was because the man next to me was eaten onions.
Oh, that does it.
In ten minutes now,
I meet the best shot in the world in the alley behind the theater.
And if you think Gomez knew how to die in the play,
wait till you get a load of little willy,
making his big exit.
Goodbye.
Ah.
Oh.
Well, Maisy,
you got just ten minutes to put a stop to this thing you dreamed up.
Oh, jeepers.
Why couldn't you sometimes use your head to think with instead of just to keep your ears
from being too close together?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Nine.
Ten.
All right, gentlemen.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire.
Bing.
Bing.
Bang.
Bang.
Wonderful, gentlemen.
Wonderful.
Now be sure you do it just as dramatically when the reporters get here.
If they ever do get here, I'm getting tired from all this rehearsing.
And I don't relish the idea of drenching myself with ketchup when I get shot.
This is my only shirt.
You that must be the newspaper reporters now.
Get ready for the duel, gentlemen.
A great run-out though.
He's ready.
Good, good.
And Maddox, when you get shot act like and put some life into your die.
Okay, okay.
Start counting.
Okay.
Very well, gentlemen.
Remember, this is a duel for the honor of an American woman.
And last but not least, to avenge the stain on the ascension of Ronaldo Gomez.
The world-famous actor now appearing at the 38th Street Theater in blood is thicker than water.
Matt Nays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, within all sarcasm.
Ready?
One.
Two.
Three.
Stop.
Stop, you can't shoot Bill.
Oh, it's only you.
Stand back, old fan-made, whose fair name has been besmirched.
The honor of my name is, insooth at stake.
Say that is very good, amigo.
Very good.
And but Bill.
Oh, he shot me.
I'm dying.
I'm dying.
Oh, Bill, that was just my bubblegum.
Hey, look.
The reporters have arrived.
In this way, gentlemen.
Good.
Stand back, senorito.
You're in the way of the commerce.
Start counting, chum.
Farewell, old aged mind.
This may, for chance, be the last performance of the world's best actor.
Oh, but it can't be.
I have a run of the play contract.
Bill, Bill, you get killed.
Look, nobody's getting killed in this duel.
Those pistols have blanks in them.
Does Bill know that?
Sure he does.
This whole thing's a gag to show you he can act.
Oh, a gag, huh?
Well, the nerve of a hymn scared me out of my blitz just for laughs.
Well, I'll show that man just how much I think I hear.
Wait, George.
Start counting for the duel.
They're coming down the alley now.
Okay.
Ready, gentlemen?
One.
Two.
Hold on there.
We got to tip something's going on here.
You ain't kidding, fellas.
Gentlemen of the press.
Bill Maddox goes now to fight for the fair name.
A fair womanhood.
Yes, and your reporters, be sure to get it all.
Reporters.
We're detected.
You detected.
Well, but you can't be.
Last night I called the newspapers not the cops.
Well, they call us and said there's going to be a duel.
Two actors are going to kill each other.
Well, we came over to stop it anyway.
Orders is orders.
No reportants.
No pictures.
I wasted all this time.
Well, you'll have a lot more time to waste, but you're going to jail.
Both of you.
Oh, but you can't take Bill to jail.
He's my only client.
Yes, we've got him at night to do.
I cannot go to jail.
My contract forbids it.
We haven't broken any law.
These guns are loaded with blanks.
Yes, blanks.
Yes, yes, yes.
Sure, it was a publicity stand officer.
Just for laughs.
Guns not loaded with bullets, huh?
Well, sure not.
And I can prove it.
Go ahead, Bill.
Shoot me.
Yeah, that will prove it.
Shoot, Maddox.
Sure.
There.
See, officer?
Only a blank.
Oh, yeah.
Miss, were you wearing open-toed shoes?
No.
Well, you're wearing them now.
Oh, my goodness.
I've been killed.
She fainted.
Oh, oh.
Amazing, darling.
Speak to me.
Speak to me.
Oh, Bill.
Before I go, there's one thing I must tell you.
Yes, Maisie.
What is it?
You owe me four bucks for a new pair of shoes.
In just a moment, we shall return to the adventures of Maisie.
And now, once again, here's Maisie.
Well, for a moment there, I really thought I was going to kick the bucket.
And the way my foot feels right now, I ain't sure I didn't.
Gosh.
If Bill had been a little better shot, I might have gone, well, where agents go when they die.
Anyway, I saw Ronaldo's producer was impressed with Bill's acting.
So when I got him alone, I convinced him that an actor with Bill's talent
should get $100 a week, no more, and no less.
And that's what the producer decided to pay him.
The only trouble was I didn't know that just before he'd offered Bill 200.
So I had a heart to heart talk with Bill, and he told me he didn't know what he could do without me,
but he sure wanted to try.
So there goes my first and last client.
Well, got to get to a doctor with his foot.
Gosh, from now on, it ain't going to be easy, getting around with my big toe in a sling.
You have just heard the adventures of Maisie starring Anne Southerne.
Maisie was written by Arthur Phillips.
Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman.
Supporting cast included Peter Leeds, Gerald Moore, Sydney Miller, Frank Nelson, and Jerry Hausner.
John Houston speaking.
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Access to affordable credit helps me pay my employees.
But I don't really need it.
Infliction is killing me.
Who cares? Big retailers and making record profits.
That's why we support the German Marshall Credit Card Bill.
See?
Banks and credit unions help small businesses make payroll.
Miss Bill would cut the vital resources they need.
While increasing Megastore profits.
They deserve it.
Don't they?
Tell Congress, stop the German Marshall money grab for corporate megastores.
Paid for it by the Electronic Payments Coalition.
Finding great candidates to hire can be like, well, trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Sure, you can post your job to some job board.
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