The Agony of Betrayal: How to Use Music To Heal

Voicing the agony of betrayal trauma can come in many different forms. Ralynne Riggs, a professional singer and victim of betrayal and abuse, shares her experience. She created a YouTube cover of the song Anything Worth Holding On To.

Transcript: Voicing the Agony Of Betrayal

Anne: I’ve posted the music video we’re talking about today on our YouTube channel. So after you’ve listened to this episode, click here to find Betrayal Trauma on YouTube.

This music video really captures the emotions that women go through when they’re experiencing betrayal trauma. So many women feel this way. They’re going to relate when they see it. Once you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s incredible. And I really want to get this video out there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0UGEHQNHKw

The Agony Of Betrayal: Help Us Go Viral

Anne: So maybe with your help. We can get it to go viral. Anything you can do to help us go viral would be greatly appreciated. So go to YouTube and watch it. Like it, share it, subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Ralynne Voices Her Agony Through Music

Anne: Ralynne Riggs is the woman who created this music video. She was born and raised in Chandler, Arizona. Her passions include singing, dancing, acting, horseback riding, baking and making movies. As you will see when you go to our YouTube channel. As well as being the favorite aunt to her beautiful nieces and nephews.

Since she was young, her greatest passion has been the stage. She received her bachelor’s degree in vocal performance from Brigham Young University and has performed as a leading soprano throughout the U. S., China, and Austria. After graduation, she became a lead singer for Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and on a Disney cruise line.

Ralynne has learned the importance of hard work, confidence, self worth, and perseverance in bringing one’s dreams to life. Her mantra is you can do anything. If you just do it. Welcome Ralynne.

Ralynne: Thank you so much Anne.

Anne: So I’m hoping by this time people have paused this podcast. They’ve gone to our YouTube channel. They have seen this amazing music video that you made. I hope they shared it and commented. I’m hoping that they’re letting their friends and family know about this incredible video. Also that they’re understanding that this can help their friends and family. And other people understand the pain that victims go through.

So you were prompted to create this video to help educate people about betrayal trauma.

Initial Discovery Of His Betrayal

Anne: But before we get to that and what happens with that, let’s start with your own personal story. Did you know about your husband’s pornography addiction before you married?

Ralynne: I did know a little bit about his addiction before we were married. There was one night when after things were more serious in our dating that he approached me. He said there were things in his past that he wanted to make me aware of. So that I truly knew everything about him. He shared with me that he struggled with this throughout his teenage years.

But you know, I was kind of naive to the problem, to how serious a addiction could be. What that all entailed. I didn’t know the right questions to ask. I thought, well no one’s perfect, and I asked him if he had struggled with it since. Because he said he had cleaned up and didn’t struggle with it at all.

To me, I thought, well, that was brave of him to bring that up with me and share it with me. And I believed him and I didn’t know what else to ask about it.

The Agony Betrayal: Your Husband Is Lying To You

Anne: Even if you had, because we know that users often lie about their use. Or abusive men often lie and manipulate. So even if you had known the so-called right questions to ask, that likely wouldn’t have helped you.

What we find helps women more, and you know this now, is what behaviors to look for. And you also didn’t know that at the time what a cheating husband says. What was your reaction to his disclosure about viewing and acting out with explicit material after you married?

The Agony Of Betrayal: Infidelity

Ralynne: Well it was about five months into our marriage that he called me very distraught and crying. And telling me that I needed to come home because he needed me. I didn’t know what was going on. And then I got home. He shares with me that he viewed and acted out to explicit material. In my mind I was thinking, okay. So all of a sudden after four or five years of not viewing it, you’ve gone back to it.

Why? So, as a new bride, I of course was sitting there in utter shock. I felt immediately like it had something to do with me. Was I not enough? Why would he go back to this now? And I mostly was just in shock and disbelief. But he also seemed so sorry when he told me that. My immediate reaction was, I love you.

Thank you for being honest with me and telling me about it. Let’s go meet with our bishop and get a therapist and start working through this together. I literally told him, use me when you need to use me, let’s be open and get through this together. Use me as far as, if you’re feeling tempted, talk to me, tell me when you’ve done it.

Let’s be open and honest. Part of me was like, hey, well, if you’re feeling the urge. Hello, we married. Let me know, like, why would you turn to that instead of turning to me, your wife? I know now, that those were a lot of the wrong things to do.

Not Understanding The Need For Safety During The Agony Of Betrayal

Anne: I’m guessing you didn’t understand the emotional abuse that you experienced.

Ralynne: Not at all.

Anne: And I’m guessing, you also didn’t understand, boundaries or keeping yourself safe?

Ralynne: I knew nothing about that because it did not register in my mind that anything had been done to me. At that point.

Anne: Yeah, you’re just thinking, Oh, this is too bad for him, but I can help him through it. Kind of like he got a broken finger or something. Describe what happened in your personal life during this time. And what were your days like as you tried to “help” your husband worked through his addiction.

Ralynne: They were pretty awful for me, long story short, I kind of took on the problem. I’m a go getter in all of the things that I do in life.

It’s not surprising to me that I took everything on my shoulders. I became very worried about doing check ins with him. And I was even worried when I talked to him if he was telling me the truth or not. Setting up appointments for therapy, we went together and we went separately. Then I was told about addiction recovery programs and started going to those. I didn’t realize I was experiencing the agony of betrayal trauma.

But as we went, there was no real desire or effort coming from him to want to go. It was like I was dragging him along, which made things worse. Then I felt like I was fighting harder for something that wasn’t even really my issue to begin with. But it was becoming my issue and it was consuming my days.

Betrayal; The Agony Of Trying To Solve The Same Problem Over & Over

Ralynne: And I actually was let go from my job. In that meeting my boss said, ultimately he was very sorry, but I was just so sad all the time. He had to let me go. That was a huge wake up call for me. Because that is not a way I’ve ever been described in my life.

Usually people associate me with words like you’re so bubbly and so happy. And so outgoing, to see that I had become this sad person that couldn’t even hide my sadness. Everything was spiraling the other way and affecting my life in a very negative way was a huge wake up call for me. The agony of betrayal trauma was so intense, I became this kind of introverted ball of depression, tears and anxiety.

The Agony Of Losing Yourself Due To Betrayal

Ralynne: I began to have panic attacks, which I had never experienced before in my life. And it just seemed like I could not succeed anywhere. I couldn’t succeed at my job and I couldn’t succeed at home. Everything was just so dark and hopeless during that time. I lost myself completely just trying to survive each day. I became very numb through that whole process.

Realization Of His Betrayal

Anne: So, you did not realize at that time that you were a victim of abuse. You didn’t realize that the reason this was happening was because you were a victim of abuse. But you did start to realize that you were suffering from the agony of betrayal trauma. How did you realize the betrayal trauma piece?

Ralynne: My ecclesiastical leader had been told by my husband that I was depressed. Because that’s what my husband was blaming things on. I was suffering from depression. So, my ecclesiastical leader met with me and I said, I’m not depressed, this is what’s going on.

I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, what’s betrayal trauma? I had no idea what that was at the time.

Recognizing the Emotional and Psychological Abuse Inherent in Betrayal

Ralynne: The BTR team expounded further and mention the different types of abuse that were going on emotional, spiritual, mental, all of those things. And I just listened to her say that in disbelief. But as she said it, it kind of dawned on me.

Of course, that makes complete sense. But as most people, when I think of abuse, I don’t think of all the emotional types of abuse . And I especially wouldn’t associate that with me. I would never think my spouse would be someone who would be emotionally, spiritually, and mentally abusing me. The agony of betrayal trauma was so intense.

But unfortunately that was the reality. It wasn’t until I spoke with her that all those light bulbs went on and I realized how bad the situation was.

Anne: Yeah. It’s a lot worse than people imagine. I think it’s really interesting how victims don’t recognize how bad the situation is. Because everyone listening to this podcast has been through it, everyone can empathize with you. And be like, yeah, that’s exactly how it was for me.

I think that’s one thing that we need to educate people about in regard to abuse is that victims don’t always know what is happening to them. What is the most difficult thing you realized throughout this experience?

The Hardest Realization During The Agony Of Betrayal

Ralynne: The most difficult thing that I realized throughout this experience was the fact that I could not save my husband. No matter how many times I went to therapy or how many times I prayed. Or how many times I took him to a recovery class. No matter how hard I try to save our marriage and help him, I was powerless. I had to learn that his actions were separate from mine.

That his actions did not have anything to do with me, even though that’s the hardest thing I think for a spouse to believe. But that they didn’t have anything to do with me. That it was all his choices, his actions. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Anne: When women find out that they’re being abused, they think one of their options is to help him stop being abusive. And that’s never an option because it never works. So there’s either, he just stops on his own somehow and then you’re safe or you have to start setting boundaries.

The Agony Of Betrayal: Not Keeping It Secret

Anne: Speaking of boundaries, if you’re wondering how do I set boundaries in marriage.

knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time and do it over again. Which none of us can, but we’ve all thought this, what would you have done differently?

And this question isn’t meant to like, Oh, what should you have done? But to educate women who are currently in this situation, to help them know what to do now.

Ralynne: Yes. Well, first of all, I would have loved to know right away. It’s not my fault and I can’t blame myself. Or take it on my shoulders. So knowing that, I would definitely take that off of myself right away.

Secondly, I would have done a lot more research before finding a therapist that we met with. Because we just went with someone recommended to us by our ecclesiastical leader. Who was not qualified in any way regarding abuse. I also would be more vocal about it. Because the decision that we made when it first happened. Was that we didn’t want to share with our family what’s going on.

Because we didn’t want either person to be viewed in a bad light or gossiped about amongst our family. And we decided we could get through it together on our own with each other and with our therapist. I think that was also a huge mistake because It allowed him to continue to get away with not having to own up to his addiction. And the problems that were happening within our marriage because of it.

I think if we would have involved our parents. At least as a support, it maybe would have helped him to be more accountable right away. Rather than feeling like he could keep hiding it.

Importance of a Support Network

Anne: Maybe, let me put your heart at ease in that regard. I told everyone. My ex didn’t want me to, but then it ended up getting used against me by my in-laws. So it can go either way. I’m not saying people should or shouldn’t tell other people, but just know that both of them have risks.

Anne: But I do think victims need a safe support network. You don’t know if someone is safe if you don’t try. So even if you try and it doesn’t go so well with a particular person. Your mother-in-law, a father-in-law, even your own parents, at least you tried to see if they were safe. This also happens with your abusive husband’s therapist. Which you won’t know if you don’t try. So try, and then if they are unsafe, you can always set boundaries or pull back later. But building a really strong support network is really important.

Ralynne: Yes, and with setting boundaries, again, that was a concept that I didn’t know about. It was brought to my knowledge way too far into the issue. So, if I knew about that and went through something like this again. Or could do it again, I immediately would have started setting safe boundaries and sticking to them.

The Agony Betrayal: Gaslighting

Ralynne: Because trying to do that two years into problems already going on. Immediately turned into him feeling like, what you’re going to punish me now. As if I already don’t feel bad enough, you’re going to punish me now. And he just reacts in the way that he was a child and he punished. How could I do that to him when he was already hurting so much. So boundaries never worked for us.

Anne: Well, they worked for you, they didn’t work for your abuser. And then he was trying to get around the abuse by saying that stuff. But that was meant to manipulate you to drop your boundaries. That was a calculated way of trying to convince you, gaslight you, manipulate you, lie to you, so you would drop the boundaries.

So, did your boundaries work? For you, yes. So when people say boundaries didn’t work for us, I always want to tell women, Oh, no, they’re always going to work for you. They might not work for your abuser, but great! If they don’t work for your abuser, then yay! If he’s mad because he can’t abuse you anymore, fantastic!

You’ve done yourself a favor and if someone is abusive and you set a boundary, their abuse will escalate. So they’ll manipulate you more, they’ll get more angry. If they’re not abusive and you set a boundary, things will slowly get better over time. So setting a boundary is always going to help victims know their baseline safety situation, which is good.

Why It’s Important To Voice Your Agony At His Betrayal

Anne: Okay, so let’s talk about this music video. Again, I’m going to pause here one more time. Go to our YouTube channel, Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Watch this video. We just posted it. Please subscribe to our channel. Share it with your friends and family, share it on Facebook, share it everywhere you can.

Please help us get this video out so other people can understand the pain and suffering that women go through. Because Ralynne has done such a good job of illustrating this.

I got an email a while ago that said, Hey, I’m Ralynne Riggs. I’m a singer. I want to create a music video. We started talking and became friends. I am inspired by you. That you create a music video. And then you put your whole heart and soul into it and made this incredible video. It’s an illustration of pain and also hope.

How Music Helped Heal The Pain Of Betrayal

Anne: So please tell our audience, what inspired you to create it?

Ralynne: Well, this song became a song that was very important to me as part of my survival and healing. When I was in the middle of all of this experience and it was just on my mind For a while. I’m not gonna lie.

It had been on my mind for about a year and a half. I waited too long to make this, but the song gave words to my pain and exactly what I was feeling so poignantly. That it was such a strength to me. Music has done that for me through my whole life and I just thought you know I wonder if I should make a music video.

To do this and just spread awareness about what happens to the spouse in this situation. Because there’s so much help out there and support for the addict or for the abuser.

And I feel like, in my personal experience and in my experiences with other women that I met in support groups. We’re all asking questions like what do abusers look for in their victims. We’re often blamed for what happened and pushed aside. While we are asked to hold on a little longer while our husband gets help. And we’re left with all of these emotions and this agony of betrayal trauma and we don’t know what to do with it.

Encouraging Victims Experiencing The Agony Of Betrayal

Ralynne: So I wanted to make this video in hopes that if there is another woman out there on the other end of the computer screen. That was going through what I was going through or who has been through it. And they’re out there searching for support or help or to know what’s happening to them. I wanted to make this for them.

Because the faster they can know about it. The faster they can find the help and the resources for healing, the better. I’m grateful that I found BTR.ORG. It has been such a saving grace.

I know there’s thousands of women out there going through this and I don’t want them to suffer or feel hopeless any longer than they need to. So that was my hope. My simple hope in doing this is that even if one woman out there going through the agony of betrayal trauma watches this. And then finds a community of love and support to help her heal. It’ll have been worth it.

Anne: You said something that’s really interesting. You said that women are just asked to wait. Like, just hold on a little bit longer.

The Agony Of Him Not Changing & Lack Of Safety

Anne: But what they’re not told is that you may not be safe while waiting. They’re not told, How can we help create a seriously safe environment for you where you can wait from a safe distance? I think that is one reason why the trauma is so bad. Even with professionals or church leaders or other people. It’s impossible to recover from betrayal trauma when you’re not getting the right information. We weren’t sort of like cocooned in a safe place during the waiting period. https://www.btr.org/recover-from-betrayal-trauma

In fact, the abuse escalates and escalates and escalates. We are encouraged to “do our part” or to be supportive. When really we’ve been abused that whole time and it hasn’t stopped the abuse. This video, it really hit home, the abuse that we experience during that time. I love that end where she just takes another woman’s hand. And that network of support is waiting for women.

All over the world. It doesn’t necessarily have to be Betrayal Trauma Recovery. It could be friends at work or It could be anyone who can reach out and buoy you up and help you. Your video just showed that so well.

Ralynne: Thank you so much. I a hundred percent agree with you. But what about you in the meantime? How do you remain safe? None of that was ever addressed with me. I remember asking the third time I was asked to hold on and keep waiting. I remember my reply was, why would I keep fighting and holding on for something that makes me so miserable and is so abusive? And there was no answer, really, for me from that person.

Anne: Well you get a divorce.

Ralynne: Yes.

Ralynne’s Healing Journey Healing From The Pain Of Betrayal Trauma

Anne: Do you feel like creating this video has helped you heal?

Ralynne: I do. The way I was raised and what I’ve been taught in my faith is that everything happens for a reason. Through all of this, I’ve often struggled. Because I’ve sat there and thought, what have I done to deserve this?

I’ve been a loyal, faithful wife and stayed true. I’ve tried to love unconditionally and endlessly, and this is what I get for it. How is this fair? And that’s been something I’ve really struggled with. But I’ve tried to have the outlook of how is this making me stronger? And what’s the purpose? And that’s been something that I’ve been so grateful with making this video.

Because as soon as I started taking action and making plans to have this made and reaching out to people. And getting volunteers to be in it and just producing it. There were so many little miracles that immediately fell into place.

I could not deny that God’s hand was in it. And I felt so happy and good knowing I was doing something. That he was guiding me to do and would hopefully lead to helping a lot of women. And as we finished making the video, I just thought, you know, I’m so grateful.

Help Us Reach Other Women Who Are Suffering

Ralynne: This is the first time I’ve been able to make beauty out of these ashes of the agony of betrayal trauma. Make a little bit of sense or have some good come from the worst years of my life ever. And I’m so grateful. I’m grateful that I followed the prompting and have made it. I only hope that it does what I’ve been hoping that it would do and help so many women. It has definitely helped me heal.

Anne: Our hope, Ralynne’s and mine is that we can get this video to go viral. The reason we wanted to do that is because so many women are in this situation. They don’t understand what is happening to them. It’s very important that we help women get educated about abuse. What it looks like, what it sounds like, and what to look for if your husband says he’s in “recovery from addiction.”

How to tell the difference between someone who is just grooming you, and saying they’re in recovery and going through the motions. And someone who is genuinely a safe person. They’re two completely different things. So again, please go to our YouTube channel if you haven’t already. Watch it, share it.

A Community To Support Women Who’ve Been Betrayed

Anne: I am so grateful for Ralynne for following these promptings to help women throughout the world find peace after the agony of betrayal trauma, to help them know that they are not alone.

So even if it doesn’t go viral, if some women find out about Betrayal Trauma Recovery who have not found out about it before. Or if some women watch this video and realize, wait a minute, this is what has been happening to me. Then it will have been a success. So thank you, Ralynne, for coming on today’s episode to talk about your experience.

Ralynne: Thank you so, much for having me, and allowing me to share my story. And thank you to everyone who’s watched so far, I hope it helps you.