The Jack Benny Show - "Last Show of the Season"

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Welcome to classic comedy of old-time radio. I'm your host, Ron Eklbarger.

Jolo again. Jack and the gang say goodbye for the summer in this episode entitled last show of the season.

It is the 264th Jack Benny show and it originally aired on June 27, 1937.

H.E. Telltale.

The Jolo program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harris in this orchestra.

The orchestra opens a program with who put that moon in the sky.

It's grand to go to market these days when fresh fruits and vegetables are so plentiful and so reasonable.

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For Jolo makes such appealing desserts either plain or with the addition of fresh fruit.

And Jolo makes such cool, tempting salads too.

Since summertime is solid time, here are a few salads that you can make with Jolo.

Fresh peas, carrots and cauliflower in a mold of shimmering lemon jello served on crisp lettuce.

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Jolo is such a help with hot weather menus that you want to call on it often for desserts and salads.

But whether you serve Jolo for dessert or salad, always be sure you get the real thing.

Genuine Jolo.

And now ladies and gentlemen, for his final voyage of the season, we bring you that worn out captain of the good chip Jello Jack Benny.

Jolo again, this is your old skipper steaming it apart, chug chug.

Well down this is our last broadcast, the last time this season will be together.

Kind of sad, isn't it?

Yes, Jack, it is.

Yep. And when you said I was worn out, you hit it.

I tell you down, I'm so exhausted from the strain of broadcasting.

Well, I can hardly stand up.

Well, you look all right, Jack, you seem to be standing there very firm in erect.

That's because the laundry puts a lot of starch in my underwear.

Weren't for that, I'd crumple.

You would?

Well, let me ask you something, Jack.

Why should you be so tired?

Why should I?

Well, that's about the silliest question I've ever heard.

But if that is positively redic.

No, really, that is the epitome of...

Well...

Well, what?

Epitome through me, there.

Bill, did you hear what Don just asked me?

Sure, why should you be so tired?

Why do you realize what 39 weeks in radio takes out of a man?

Well, you take something out of radio, don't you?

That's not the point.

That doesn't tire me.

It's those weeks of hard grinding labor.

Labor, do you call what you do labor?

Well, I don't know what else you'd call it.

Now, look here, Jack, you only do one broadcast a week, don't you?

Yes, but I...

And that runs a half hour.

I know, but I read more lines than anyone else on the program.

We can't help it if you're a pig.

Now, look here, Bill.

And furthermore, out of the half hour,

we do 15 minutes of music and song, don't we?

Yes, but...

And I take two minutes more to talk about Jello.

I know, fellas.

No, Mr. Tilly, the toilet.

That leaves you exactly 13 minutes of work every week.

Imagine.

13 minutes.

Well...

Well, 13 is unlucky and you know.

Wait a minute, Jack.

We weren't talking about superstition.

Well, we are now.

I wish you two would stick to the subject.

Hey, what's all the excitement?

Oh, these guys. Hello, Kenny.

What's the matter?

Oh, Jack's complaining because he has to work 13 minutes a week.

Oh, yeah, where's he working?

Right here and so are you.

For your information, Kenny, being on this program

is very hard work.

You're fooling.

I am not.

Then I want to raise.

Well, I can't discuss business now.

I'll think it over.

Better make it quick, I'm getting smart.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Well, there's an item for Ripley, isn't it?

I am not. Hello, Jack.

Hello.

Well, Mary, this is our last program of the season.

Are you glad?

Yeah.

I'm so tired and worn out.

I thought I'd never get here today.

You see, fella?

You see what broadcasting does to you?

Not bad.

I was at the talkadero last night.

Oh.

Well, last play.

I'm tired from overworked.

We proved that you do very little work on the radio.

Jack, so stop complaining.

Now, wait a minute, Don.

What about my work in pictures?

I forgot to mention that.

That's mighty wide of you.

Well, how about that last picture I just finished

where I had to get in and out of a barrel for hours and hours?

I suppose that doesn't wear y'all.

The barrel didn't look good either.

You would think of that, Kenny.

Isn't he dumb, Mary?

I'll say.

He's a regular Charlie McCarty with blood.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Yes, sir, that's the best description yet.

And how?

One thing about Kenny, he appreciates everything.

Come in.

Oh, now, come in.

Oh, well, it's our last program, Paul.

Are you back?

Hello, Andy.

Hello, a nice day to drop in on our last broadcast.

Yeah, but come over to get my diploma.

As you deserve one.

But tell me, Andy, have you enjoyed working with us this past season

and being one of our gang?

Sure have, and say, Buck.

Do you remember the first time when I joined your program?

I certainly do.

Why?

What are you laughing at?

Remember how funny my voice used to sound?

Yes, yes, but that's a long time ago, Andy.

What'd you do to cure it?

Why?

Why to change?

Why to change?

Tell me, Andy, what did you do to improve your voice?

I've been taking singing lessons.

Me, me, me, me.

Have you got a good teacher, Andy?

Well, pretty good, but shocked.

I'm still a long way from the metabolic.

Well, Andy, what you need is a good rest like I do.

I'm going to take a nice long vacation.

Where are you going, Buck?

Well, first I'm going to visit my hometown, Warkegan,

and then I'm going to take a trip to Europe.

Europe, huh?

Yes, sir.

Come here. I'll tell you all about it while Phil plays a number.

I'll tell you, Andy, when...

Come in.

Mr. Benny.

Yes?

I want to take this opportunity of wishing you a very, very happy trip to Europe.

Well, thanks.

Say, who are you?

The Queen Mary, Chug Chug.

I'd like to bump him into a dog.

Play, Phil.

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That was on yours for the asking played by Phil Harris and his international musicians.

You know folks, he's got a man in his band from every country, but this one.

Now wait a minute, Jack, my boys are all Americans.

Oh, football players.

I've been suspecting that right along.

Well, Phil, just the same. I'm going to miss him.

I sure am. You know, you will be playing many more numbers this season, will ya?

Telephone or musical?

Well, I'm not interested in your phone numbers.

Say, I do all right myself. Don't I, Mary?

No.

Oh, yeah?

Listen, I got the number of a girl last night who lives right on the same street as Carol Lombard.

I bet she's a mess.

Is that so Lombard is beautiful and you know it?

I wasn't talking about Carol Lombard.

Oh, I suppose she's not good enough for you.

Well, listen, Carol Lombard is about the loveliest quiet you two punks.

Who was that?

Clark Gable.

Oh.

I wish he'd stay home or I'd shut up.

You know, that guy Gable swings a mighty wicked right.

He can swing it around me anytime he wants to.

Well, I think we better talk about something else.

Yes, I think so too. Say, Jack, if you decided where you're going on your vacation.

Yes, Don. I finally made up my mind.

I'm going to Europe.

To Europe?

Yes, that's about 5,000 miles from Carol Lombard's house.

Roughly.

What do you mean roughly?

Gable just pushed me.

Why don't you push him back?

Because I want to go to Europe and shut up.

Now, let's talk about something else.

I don't care. I'm not in it anyway.

Why?

You know, Don, before I take my vacation, Mary and I are going down to Dallas, Texas to appear at the Pan American exposition.

Nice of him to invite us, wasn't it?

Yes, it certainly was, Jack.

When are you going to be there?

July 3rd, 4th and 5th.

Said he, not realizing it was a plug.

There's going to be big doings down there.

But Texas is a real he-man state.

What do they want with a guy like you?

Now, listen, partner.

Share of what Benny's mighty well-known down there, this way.

And I've only given me a real, root and tuton Western reception.

Is that so?

Yes, sir, and believe me, I'll contain it.

Set them for one thing.

What's that?

If they ask me to get on a horse, I'll die.

Jack, no kidding.

Jack, are you really afraid of riding your horse?

It's not the riding so much down as the result.

Yeah, every time Jack gets on a horse, he has a hip hangover.

Now, that's a lie.

Say, Jack, when we get down there, I hope I meet a nice cowboy.

Oh, you probably will, Mary.

I hope he's good-looking and he likes me.

He will.

Say, there's nobody as romantic as a Texas cowboy.

Oh, Betty, ask me to go out with him.

Oh, sure, sure.

Wow!

What happened?

He just kissed me.

Now, that's over. Now, you don't have to go to Texas.

I do, too. I want another one.

Get ready, Texas.

Say, Buck!

Yes, Andy.

When you get down to Dallas, I wish you'd look up my ant floor a bell.

Your ant floor a bell, is she down there?

Yeah.

She lives all alone and she's the sweetest little old lady you ever met.

Well, I'll sure look her up. What does she do, Andy?

She's a blacksmith.

Oh, she runs a nag bootery, is that it?

Well, yeah, you ought to see her give a horse the hot foot.

Well, that'll be a treat. I'll sure look her up.

Oh, Jack, I got an ant in Montreal.

In Montreal? Well, I'm going to Dallas.

She don't care.

And always my time with a lot of nonsense.

Every time you open your mouth, you take up a minute of nothing.

Smile when you say that, partner.

What? That goes my raise.

Who said it?

Jack, if you're going to Dallas, one thing you intend to leave for Europe.

Right afterwards, Don. And by the way, what are you going to do this summer?

Well, first, I'm going to make a picture for Universal.

Oh, you, too, huh?

Yes, and I won't be in a barrel.

You would if you could get in one.

Well, Don, that won't keep you busy all summer. What else are you going to do?

Oh, I'm just going to stick around here and figure out some new ways of telling people about Jell-O.

Well, that's an idea, but after all, how many ways can you say strawberry raspberry cherry orange lemon and lime?

Well, I thought that maybe next year I could say it backwards like this.

Lime lemon orange cherry raspberry and strawberry.

Yes, that'll be a change I'd never recognize it.

And another thing, Don, if you want a radical change, instead of saying look for the big red letters on the box,

say look for the large red letters.

Say that's great. Sure.

I know another switch he can make, Jack.

What, Mary?

Instead of saying Jell-O is twice as good as ever before, he can say Jell-O is twice as good as ever before.

Tweet, what does that mean?

I don't know. There goes my race, too.

I'll remember that. Say, Don, I've got another idea. Sing, Jenny.

Now, look, Don, if you mention that it's economical.

I'll remember that.

Sun has gone to China.

The world is full of gloom.

But pretty soon moonbeams will tip through through the room.

Wear it to fellows, sure be sleeping soon.

This is just the hour.

The sandman comes around.

Oh, Lord, you sleep, he comes, the sandman.

Just close your tide on.

He's that grand old slumberland man.

He writes the Lord above.

He is a good night's kiss from Father.

And here's the hug of the tide.

He comes, the sandman.

Just close your tide on.

Here comes the sandman from his new picture, Mr. Dodd takes the air.

And Kenny, I'll bet you're glad it's all over for a while.

Oh, I don't know. Where are you going on your vacation?

Well, I got a new car, so I think I'll drive to Honolulu.

The Honolulu, you can't drive to Honolulu.

I can try.

Yes, yes, you can try.

You better take plenty of towels.

Well, I'm pretty blue today.

I don't know how you fell its feel about it, but I think it's a shame for this gang to break up.

I mean, even for the summer.

Yeah.

Gee, we've been together all these weeks, and you know, I don't know, we've been so happy and congenial.

I mean, it hasn't been just a cold-blooded business arrangement on our part.

Has it failed?

No, I haven't made a dime all year.

That's what I mean. It's deeper than that.

It's not a question of dollars and cents and raises and salaries.

Gee, with our little group, it's more like I'm the father, and we're all one little happy family.

What do you laugh about?

Where do we live in Scotland?

Oh, you...

I don't know, fellas. You know, we've been together 39 weeks, and yet it seems like a dream.

Gee, like something that never really happened.

Something that didn't exist at all.

But it did, didn't it?

Don't look at me!

Oh, maybe I'm just a sentimental old fool.

Yeah.

But after all, we've...

You know, we've been such pals, such friends.

Oh, I don't know. Life is funny, isn't it?

We're here, we're there, and yet where are we?

Last time I heard we were in Scotland.

Oh, certainly a lot of sentiment in this truth.

Say, fellas, you know what we ought to do? This being our last program.

Let's tear up our scripts and make it a little informal party.

You know, just a little fun among ourselves.

What do you say?

Put them on!

Candy, if you don't behave, I'll pull up your kilties and give you a good spanking.

No kidding, fellas. What do you say?

Okay, that's one of my ideas.

Mary, look, Mary, how about you singing a song?

I will if Andy stays out of it.

That's an insult, I'd say, with crossbeats.

Well, crossbeats can take it.

Come on, Mary, sing a song.

Come on, Mary, sing a song.

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What is this, your first date?

Oh, no, we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together.

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Oh, all right.

Yeah, what's it gonna be, Mary?

I'll sing the love bug if you don't watch out.

You'll sing it if we don't watch out.

All right, Mary, we'll all join in.

You know, kind of a vocal omelette.

Let's go.

Hit it, Phil.

The love bug will bite you if you don't watch out.

And if the love bug will bite you then you'll sing and shout.

You'll go here.

Comes the buyer.

That's what love is all about.

The love bug will bite you if you don't watch out.

And if the love bug will bite you then you'll sing and shout.

You'll go.

Little old lady passing by.

That's what love is all about.

You can't eat.

You can't sleep.

You go crazy.

You just light it, light it up all day.

If someone wants to know why you're crazy.

You'll answer.

I'm a little touched in it.

The love bug will bite you if you don't watch out.

And if the love bug will bite you then you'll sing and shout.

You'll go.

Wee down upon this one.

Me, River.

That's what love is all about.

You can't eat.

You can't sleep.

You go crazy.

You just light it, light it up all day.

If someone wants to know why you're crazy.

You'll answer.

Blinum, settle.

You know what love.

And if the ever bites you then you'll sing and shout.

You'll go.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Get lost, get lost, get lost.

This one's gone.

That's what love is all about.

Now, wasn't that good, fellas?

Don't you feel happier?

You see?

You can't do anything to please this gang.

Come in.

Oh, look who's here.

Hello, Johnny.

Well, well, Johnny Green.

Hello, Jack and Mary.

Well, are you all know Johnny Green who used to be with us?

Sure.

Hi.

Good to see you.

Johnny, I want to congratulate you on the nice job you're doing on your summer show.

Thanks, Jack.

And by the way, I brought over that arrangement you asked for.

Do you want to go through with it?

Sure I do.

What is it, Jack?

Yeah, what do you got up your sleeve, Bert?

Well, I'll tell you, fellas, it's sort of a surprise.

I've been practicing my violin for the past 10 weeks and it's a secret.

Even my neighbors don't know it.

They think it's the lawnmower.

Yeah.

They do not.

Anyway, I've been rehearsing and rehearsing and Johnny made a special violin arrangement

of a number he wrote called Body and Soul.

And he's going to accompany me, aren't you, Johnny?

Yes, sir.

And here's a copy of the music.

Thanks.

Gee, these notes look kind of difficult.

That's the title page opening.

Oh.

Oh.

See, now it is difficult.

Look at that jungle of notes there.

Say, Jack, have you got a piano here?

A piano.

That thing over there in the corner isn't a pool table.

It isn't?

No.

Oh, my piano player, that, but he talked me out of it.

Well, let's cut out the kidding.

Do you want to hear me play the violin or not?

Yes, Jack, come on.

All right, bring me my fiddle, Mary.

Okay, I haven't got a conscience anyway.

No, you don't have to worry.

Well.

Are you ready, Johnny?

Yes, but look, Jack, when you come to that first crescendo, be sure and start out fortissimo

and very stringendo bowing.

I see, I see.

Yes.

And then you grade off to a slight smorthando.

To a slight smorthando there.

Well, shouldn't I arpeggio a bit?

That's irrelevant.

Oh, you're a lawyer, too.

Well, well, all right.

Let's get started.

Now quiet, everybody.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet on the fence.

Thanks.

Now, Johnny, beyond the alert, because as a rule, you see, when I play a violin solo, I improvise quite a bit.

Just play this one the way it's written.

Don't show off.

The way you talk, you think this was your program.

When you get through playing anybody can have it.

All right, let's go on with it.

I pick out the worst guest stars, don't I, folks?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, with your kind attention for the feature attraction of our last program of the season,

I will play Body and Soul written by Johnny Green, and especially arranged as a violin solo for me.

I'm a little bit out of tune there, I think.

Johnny, give me A, will you?

No, I can't at all.

Well, that's pretty close there, huh?

All right, Johnny, Body and Soul.

The nice violin arrangement, there, there.

The nice violin arrangement, there, there.

Now, you play something, Johnny.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

That was a violin solo played by Johnny Green at the piano.

But it wasn't bad at that. How did you like it, fellas?

And you talk about my singing, please, Phil!

Music

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This is the last number of the last program in the present gelo series, and we'll be with you again on Sunday night October 3rd with the same old gang.

Thanks so much, Johnny, for coming up.

You're welcome, Johnny.

In the meantime, I know you're going to enjoy the gelo summer program, which starts next Sunday, starring lovely Jane Proman, and including Freddie Lightner, Don Ross, and the music of Dartica.

Say, Buck, that sounds like a mighty fine lineup. Do you think there's a chance of squeezing me in there for a couple of hot courses a week?

No, no, Andy, but I'll tell you what you can do. You can listen to the program.

Okay, Buck, if I can't horn in, I'll tune in.

Well, that's great. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking all of my listeners for their splendid support, my cast, and also the Readers of Radio Guide for again making it possible for me to win the 1937 poll.

I also want to thank my authors, Bill Marrow, and Ed Balloyne, who work with me on the preparation of my material. Mary, do you want to thank anyone?

Well, if that cowboy in Texas is listening in, thanks in advance.

Good night, folks, and a happy summer evening!

Yeah!

J.E.L.L.

Oh!

Human next week for the Dello Summer Program, starring Jane Foreman with Freddie Leipard, Don Ross, and the Music of Dottagin.

The Dello Program has come to you from Hollywood over the Red Death Workshop, a nice, well-broadcasting company.

Please send your questions and comments to host at classiccomedyotr.com.

Until next time, in the words of Benjamin Disraeli, never apologize for showing feeling, my friend.

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