The Kenzie Report - Mark Clifton

0:00The Kenzie Report by Mark Clifton, recording by Timothy Casey. If this story has a moral, it is leave well enough alone to just look what happened to Kenzie, mad about ants, Mackenzie, who didn't. That Kenzie Mackenzie was a mad scientist hardly showed at all, to see him ambling down the street in loosely jointed manner with sandy hair and combed, blue eyes looking vaguely beyond normal focus. You might think here was a young fellow dreaming over how his gal looked last night. It might never occur to you that he was thinking of. Ants. Of course, we fellows in the experimental lab all knew it, but Kenzie wasn't too hard to get along with. In fact, he could usually be counted on to pull us out of a technical hole. We put up with him through a certain fondness, maybe even a little pride. He gave us a harmless subject to talk about when security was too rigid on other things.

1:02Our department chief knew it, but Kenzie had solved quite a few naughty electronic problems. The chief has never been too particular to see credit get back to the guy who earned it. We guessed he figured having Kenzie there was profitable to him. In fact, the little red head and payroll told me the chief was drawing quite a few bonus checks. Personnel probably didn't know about it. Kenzie's paper is very deep in the files, wouldn't show it. Because the only question they had not asked us was, where do you stand on the matter of ants? There was an unwritten law in the lab for nobody to ever mention insects, or even elderly female relatives. I guess that's why it wasn't mentioned to the new guy named Robert Pringle. This fellow Pringle worked along for a couple of weeks and showed us he had the old know-how in his fingers. A capable tack, a good job, and we thought we were lucky to get him. On this particular morning it happened that Pringle was working at the bench next to Kenzie.

2:03Being a talented tack like the rest of us, his mind naturally ran along more than one channel at the same time. I expect he was really surprised at the reaction he got when he shouted to a room at large. Hey fellows, heeld, I got little green bugs on roses. What do you do about it? The silence made him look up from his work. And he couldn't help noticing we all stood there with clinched hands and gritted teeth. We were watching Kenzie, who snapped the juice off his soldering iron and pointed the iron at Pringle. Those, said Kenzie, in a hollow and impressive voice, are aphids. If you will look closer Pringle you will see among them ants. The aphids to the ant is the dairy cow is to the human. Those ants are aphid herders, carefully tending and milking their flock. Here we go again. Monde one of the fellows across the lab. The ants are a highly intelligent life form Kenzie went on. I would explain it to you in detail, but I am the middle of a problem at the moment.

3:07Thank heaven for that. Another tack ground out the words. So flies it to say, Kenzie ignored all the interruptions. Man would do well to occupy himself trying to communicate with him. The chief came to the doorway of his little office down at the end of the lab. He looked us all over patiently and knowingly. Now given your syllogism, Kenzie, he said quietly, so we can all get back to work. He may reflect on this Pringle, Kenzie stated and waved his soldering iron in the air. One, man wants to communicate with intelligent life from other planets or the stars. Two, we know from observation the ants communicate with one another. Ergo before we reach so far as to contact extraterrestrial intelligence, had we not better occupy our time with solving a much simpler communication problems. Two, wit, communicate with the ants. How can we expect to solve communication with really alien beings from the stars

4:07when we have not yet learned to communicate with the intelligent beings at our very feet? All over the room we sighed heavily with relief. We knew the syllogism was the conclusion. The Sunday punch. The boy had really cut it short this time. Usually he was good for a solid hour with facts and figures about how ants built bridges and such stuff. We all looked at Pringle's face, expecting to see the embarrassed and sheepish grin. This was the usual reaction of a stranger when he first met up with Kenzie's syllogism. It horrified us to see instead his shining eyes. We heard him say enthusiastically. That's just how I've always felt about it, Kenzie. It's a pleasure to meet a man who is an afraid of thinking. Oh no! We grown out in a chorus. Only Pringle said dubiously, and our hopes began to rise again. Only I've been thinking more on the line of termites. Our hopes fell and were shattered. We heard the chief moaned to himself.

5:09And saw him turn about and almost run back into his office. Two of them now. He was mumbling over and over again. Two of them now. It ain't worth it. It ain't worth it. He sat down heavily and buried his head in his arms across the top of his desk. Kenzie was watching him too. Like he was wondering what it got into the chief. Then Kenzie turned back to Pringle. Ants, he said with determination, termites Pringle answered him stubbornly. Kenzie glared at Pringle for a minute. Then his face cleared. Why not both of them, he asked, like a fellow who was willing to be big about it? Sure, why not? Pringle came his halfway also. Then like he wasn't to be outdone in generosity. Ants first, then termites later. Saw only the two shook hands. They went back to their work at the end of the bench. And there was an aura of understanding and accord at that end of the room thick enough to be felt. I hope you insect lovers will be happy together.

6:11Be gridded, expert, mumbled to their backs. The rest of us also settled back into our very jobs and problems. But we worked as if we momentarily expected an earthquake to raucous. Our hands were not quite steady. Our eyes were not firm and piercing. We almost held our breaths. For a wonder we agreed with the chief. Two of them now. The days passed and nothing more was said. More than ever now we enforced the taboo on insects. We didn't mention trees or wood or even the conditional subjunctive. Wood sounded like wood. Wood might bring up the thought of termites. We could see the chief was weighing advantages of keeping them against the risks of upsetting the department constantly. As we expected, greed won. We knew he would not risk giving up the prestige and extra bonuses he got for Kenzie's work. And he knew he had to keep those discoveries coming because our management had a short memory of what a guy had done in the past. The chief even liked Kenzie have pringle as his own personal tech.

7:14It served two purposes. It isolated them from the rest of us. It made Kenzie happy. I will say for the last, they spent most of their time on company problems at first. But gradually, on one corner of Kenzie's bench, a gadget began to take shape. The two of them worked on it when there was no urgent frantic must be out today without fail problems to be solved first. None of us could figure out the purpose of the mechanism. We knew if we couldn't figure it, the chief couldn't. But we could practically see him rub his hands in glee when he thought of the extra bonus he might get for this new gadget. Of course, the chief wasn't a complete slouch as electronics engineer, but it was a long time since he did his study. And he had grown hazy by spending too many years as an administrator. The word got around for hours at a time after we had gone home. The chief would stand at Kenzie's bench. The way we reasoned that he figured he ought to know something about the gadget when he took it over to Old Rockjaw and palmed it off as his latest discovery.

8:17We also reasoned that since we couldn't figure it, the chief must have been an awfully troubled man. Obviously, it had something to do with microwave transmission and reception. There was the usual high frequency condenser, the magnetron tubes and tuning cavities, all company stock, of course. But none of us ever worried about cost. That was the chief's problem. He didn't worry much about it either, except at budget time. Then there were screams of anguish from the front office over experimental requisitions. Every year Old Rockjaw promised to fire us all if we didn't cut costs. Then in a couple of weeks, we always forgot about it. Trouble was the chief had been getting edgy about costs lately, so we knew it was about time for the annual budget battle. Significantly, he didn't say a word to Kenzie about the gadget. As luck would have it, I was working late one night on a special permit. My bench is over on a wing of the lab, and I guess the chief forgot I was around. I saw a very pretty scene.

9:18The chief had built up a habit of staying light so he could stand and study over the Kenzie gadget. He never touched it though. He knew enough not to bother anything, because we all knew how bitter Kenzie was when anybody touched his things. The chief was standing there this evening when the general manager, Old Rockjaw, was showing some important personages through the plant after hours. Then came through the lab door and I saw scrambled eggs and fruit salad shining all over bulging uniforms. There was also one little gizek in a pinstripe suit. Old Rockjaw was talking as usual. And it's from this room, gentlemen, he was saying, that some of those revolutionary discoveries emanate. Then he caught sight of the chief who had hastily picked up a cold sautering iron and was tentatively touching a random point on the new mechanism. Ah, Old Rockjaw exclaimed with satisfaction. Here's our chief scientist now. Still a work. He watches no clock, gentlemen. He knows no time. His whole life is wrapped up in his research.

10:18The chief didn't look around but then closer to the sautering point. He looked like he hoped they would limit their inspection to a cursory look around and retire. I hoped they would too. I didn't want them to see me. Old Rockjaw and more of a blowhard mood, even then usual, couldn't let well enough alone. He came up close to the chief and looked over his shoulder with the mechanism. He was even more ignorant than the chief, so I knew he wouldn't recognize any of it. To let us disturb you, Alfred, he breathed in a hushed voice. Because you tell the gentleman what it is you're working on now. He cleared his throat and importantly said, I might have that everyone here has been security cleared, Alfred, so you may speak freely. The chief still did not lift his eyes from his work. He didn't dare. He carefully turned an unconnected control knob and hairs breadth with utmost precision and deliberation. Multi-micro-frequent enaminer, the chief mumble and buried his head still deeper into the mechanism. Ah, yes, of course, but you have a new hookup, the general manager bluff.

11:21I hardly recognize the thing at first. Starling, he breathed. He looked around triumphantly at the impressed brass and braid. He looked pointedly at the pinstripe suit, who probably controlled the congressional purse strings. Apparently, he is at a point where he cannot divert his attention to his gentleman. He breathed in a hushed voice, placed his fingers to his lips and began to tiptoe backward toward the door. The beef-trust and fancy uniform came up on their own toesies and also tiptoed away from the genius scientist. By now, the genius was beginning to exude large drops of sweat. The door closed behind him and the chief dropped the cold-sortering iron with a sigh of relief. He took hold of his tongue, where he must have been biting into it. He wiped his forehead and fingers with his spressed pocket handkerchief. Both the chief and I heard the party walking down the hall and into another wing of the building. I still didn't make a sound. It would never do for the chief to know he had been observed. After a suitable time, the chief also tiptoed out of the lab, and he was mumbling to himself

12:24as I have never seen him mumble before. Several days later, another thing appeared on Kenji's workbench. This time it was a large rectangular glass aquarium. It was filled with moist earth. Now, here was something new in electronics. We shook our heads. One of the techs who fancied himself as psychologists said the boys were suffering from retrogressive dementia. They'd gone so far back into childhood they had to play sandbox. The chief overheard the tech and spoke up plain to flee. But I don't see any celluloid spade in bucket, he said. He seemed to be relieved when we were burst out laughing. It relief didn't last long, however. It changed to more worry when he saw the boys carefully sprinkling bread and meat crumbs over the surface of the sand. Then on top of that, they dropped moist bits of cake icing. When Pringle brought down a marigold plant, I'll cover with aphids and transplanted it into the corner of the aquarium. The chief again ran into his office and began to hold his head in his hands.

13:27More days passed. The gadget became a bristling porcupine of test clips. By now the boys had forgotten they were working for the company and spent practically all their time on the hussets. The chief became so fascinated in a kind of horror-stricken manner that he did not mention the aquarium to Kenzie at all. The rest of us also kept away from that side of the lab. Ever since Kenzie had started on the gadget, he had no time for us or helping us with our problems. We spoke to him, he snapped back at us until I guess all our noses were out of joint. By the time the aquarium appeared, we were ignoring him and everything he did. In a few more weeks the aquarium was swarming with ants. It was easy to see their tunnels running up and down the sides of the glass. I will say this for the boys. They set it in huge pan of water. None of us could legitimately squawk about getting ants mixed up with our anatomy. The chief showed he was mixed with disappointment and elation when the boys were asked clearance to work nights in the lab. Disappointed since he could no longer stay late and follow the progress, he laid it because

14:30the boys must be getting really hot. Annual budget time was getting closer and we could see the wheels going around in his mind. It would be a nice thing if he could deliver the multi-whosets gadget before the big fight for appropriations. As far as we know, the only interest the general manager had shown was the time he asked the chief in the hall how that multi-whosets was coming along. Even in that question it was evident Old Rockjaw was asking out of rare politeness only. There being no big shots around to impress. It was doubtful if the GM had heard the chief's vague answer because the old boy was mumbling to himself about rising costs and having to cut down expenses. He waddled on down the hall. He was still mumbling as he went but both the chief and I heard one sentence clearly. And certain salaries and bonuses will have to be cut. The chief turned pale. So he granted Kenzie's request with alacrity and hoped he would finish the gadget in time. For two more weeks the chief waited patiently or maybe impatiently because the security police

15:33complained about their pinnacle gain being interrupted to like Kenzie and Pringle in and out. Both the boys began to get a feverish look in their faces. Their cheeks grew hollow, their eyes were bloodshot, their regular work suffered even more. The chief thought he was being considered when he lifted some of their work and shoved it over to the rest of us. We were already sore at the boys and we didn't take it too kindly. Just the same we didn't let our squawk get beyond the walls of the lab. No use letting that nosy personnel department get an excuse to start holding hands, patting on the back and radiating aid and comfort to all. Then a certain Monday came. The chief came in a little late as usual. Some of the newer guys pretended to be busy but we were all watching to see what he would do. There's a back door to the chief's office which he seldom uses and which he always keeps locked. But it opened into the lab wing right at my table. It wasn't my fault in fiddling around a little with the lock. It came unstuck and the door opened a little so I could hear what went on.

16:35When the chief came in both the boys were busy dismantling the gadget. Discouragement and hopelessness were written all over their faces. In the dejected slope of their shoulders, in the lack of days go movement of their arms, just by peace through the glass partition of his office wall, the chief watched the gadget being taken apart. Each piece was carefully taken back and placed in stock for reuse. That alone was enough to create great alarm for their sanity. Imagine a technician putting a piece back to be used over. Finally, the chief could bear it no longer. He called them into his office. He carefully shut the door but he didn't notice the back door swung open a little farther. I found it necessary to work close to the crack and if I turned around I could get a good view of the entire office. The chief waved the boys into chairs across from his desk. He sat down and placed his fingertips together. Even then I could see his hands were shaking. He leaned forward and asked with careful sympathy in his voice.

17:35Did it work? Yeah, McKinsey answered in a bored voice. It worked. I was surprised at Kenji's voice. He talked with the concise and adciation of a professor. Now he sounded like maybe just a good lab tech. Then why are you dismantling it? The chief asked with a worried frown. It wouldn't be good for people to know about it, Prinkle Burst out. I don't understand the chief altered. The industrially. Look fellows, I've given you a lot of leeway. You've slept your work something terrible. That's all right to an extent I've covered for you. Thanks chief, Kenji said dryly. Little rock or the general manager, the chief complained. Knows I've been working on something. Now what with budgets coming on and all, I've got to have something to show. You've been working on something, Prinkle exclaimed. I mean my department has the chief covered in self-pacedly. I'm responsible for what goes on in my department, you know. I've got to have some kind of an explanation. He was almost way away now.

18:35What with budgets coming on and all? Make up your own explanation. Kenji answered disinterestedly. It's a sense you can't give out with the real one. The chief began to weadle. YouTube boys know the explanation. Why can't you tell me? This is your chief you're talking to, boys. The one who's always stood by you and covered for you. Remember, you've got to tell me, boys. I saw Pringle and Kenji look at one another. Guess he's right, Ken, Pringle said. That is if he promises never to tell anybody. Yeah, I guess so. Kenji nodded his head in agreement. I don't know how to deal with him that much just for letting us alone. The chief let out a big sigh of relief. It's about ants, Kenji began. Now now Kenji boy, the chief interrupted her. Let's stay on the subject, shall we? Let's not get off on that tangent again, Kenji boy, shall we? Nuts, Kenji said. But this is about ants, chief. Pringle answered, then, truly. But first you got to promise chief. All right, I promised the chief a seated testily.

19:38Just about ants, Kenji repeated stubbornly. The chief winsed, but he held his peace. They're intelligent. Kenji said profoundly and stopped. I know the chief prompted. I know Kenji boy, you've been saying that all along. I communicated with them, Kenji said flatly. You what? The chief's eyes bugged out. I guess mine did too. Sure Kenji answered, after a fashion that is, in their answers they've got a kite and cell diaphragm, modified cellular structure. They communicate with a sort of microwave. Roughly you might say it generates and radiates like our brain wave. Roughly, very roughly. This kite and diaphragm picks up the microwave like our ears pick up sound. Roughly that is. That's wonderful, the chief glowed. It didn't take much imagination to see him in the general manager's office explaining how his multi-whoset's gadget worked. He'd be nothing immediately commercial about it, but when the publicity office got a hold of it, man it would mean plenty of free publicity for the company and how old rock jaw love free

20:43publicity. We tuned in on them Kenji was saying, by putting different kinds of food around and by making different kinds of disturbances, we worked out a crude sort of vocabulary. You did, the chief exclaimed. Nothing fancy you understand, Kenji belittled his achievement, but enough so that when we broadcast a sugar wave, they came running to the surface to see where it was. When we broadcast a water wave, they rushed to the ant nursery and started carrying the eggs to high ground. Glory be the chief breathe. In his eyes there was a vision of world-renowned scientists patting him on the back. Maybe even more important, old rock jaw was actually smiling and telling him he could have unlimited funds in his budget. Sure Kenji said bitterly. Sure that was all very fine. Big shots we were going to be pringle in me. First time in history, man had talked with an insect. Maybe even get our pictures in the paper, same as if we'd murdered somebody. Fame. Yeah, Pringle chimed in. First step in learning how to communicate with an alien mind.

21:45Nuts. I don't get it, the chief stammered. What's wrong with that? Well we went on perfecting the vocabulary Kenji said, you know, finding it down, had the little beggars practically standing on their heads at times with our wave. He grinned at the memory and seemed to shake off some of his lethargy. You should have been there the night Pringle had the marching information. His face fell again. We kept on improving the gadget he said with Hang-Dotting Attitude. We still had made direct communication, you understand. Nothing like how do you do Mrs. Ant, this is Kenji McKenzie, human talking. Then he sneered at his memory. With our microwave we could make them do things, but how you can make them run out of the ground by pouring water down their hole. That's not communication. We couldn't seem to contact them direct. Make them know we were communicating. But you still, the chief said, he had visions of every home using a gadget to broadcast keep-way signals to ant pests. Our gadget was still crude at that point, Kenji interrupted.

22:45We find it down more and more. That's when we began to pick up the star static. Star static? The chief faltered? He wouldn't know about that Pringle said, and I could detect contempt in his voice even if the chief couldn't. Sure he would, Kenji corrected. Everybody knows about the 50 or so stars that Sindok continuous radio signals and how we've been trying for years to unscramble them. Why certainly the chief said so positively, I knew he hadn't heard of it before. Anyway Kenji said, the more we worked out the vocabulary code, the more the star signals began to fit right into it. So we decided to break up the thing and forget all about the ants. On his chief, you'll never hear me mention the word again. Termites either, Pringle shined in, but I still don't understand the chief complaint. It still all sounds marvelous, I just don't understand. Drawing a picture, Pringle said, disgustedly. Okay, Kenji exceeded. How many years would you say the ants had been on Earth, chief?

23:46Oh, I don't know. Quite a few I'd say. Yeah, Kenji said, dryly. Quite a few. At least a million. Unchanged. A perfect life form with a perfect civilization. So perfect nature hasn't seen any need to change them for a million years. So what? The chief asked, there's nothing we come along and make them do nip ups. Yeah, Kenji was bitter again. We humans go around talking about how brave and smart we are. How someday we'll even get so smart we'll contact other intelligent races on other worlds. Yeah, we're smart. You know those star radiations? That's not my specialty, you know, the chief answered cautiously. Some of those radiations started out from their home planet a million light years ago. Pringle said quietly. So what again? Those radiations, Kenji said, happen to be communications between the galaxies being to the ants. Sort of a continuous radio program broadcast universe wide. It happens the ants, maybe termites, maybe other insects are spread through all the galaxies.

24:47It happens they are the dominant intelligent race throughout the universe. He shrugged and discussed. A big brave human, he said contemptiously. Someday we might even reach Mars. How those ants have been colonizing for hundreds of millions of years. They're still communicating. They are the real intelligence honor. He crushed his cigarette fiercely into a glass tray on the desk. One thing man has got, wherever had, was his ego. He's got to believe he's top dog or else he folds and quits. Yeah, we're smart all right. We're so far down the scale the ants don't even recognize us as life for them at all. Pringle nodded so early. He said to the chief, yeah, how would you like to explain a gadget that proved ants have more brains than you have? The chief looked at them with incredulous eyes. He was still staring at them silently with a bloodless face when the office messenger came in and told him the general manager wished to see him in his office to discuss budgets. I closed the back office door quietly and went back to work.

25:48The other guys clustered around and wanted to know what I'd heard. Nothing I said. I looked them straight in the eye. Nothing at all. End of The Kenzie Report by Mark Clifty.