The Pirate's Pocket Book

0:00The Pirates Pocket Book by Dion Clayton Calthrop. This book, you hold in your hand, belonged once to a very celebrated pirate. He was so celebrated that the newspapers of that time always said nice things about him and always knew what he was doing before he did himself. As he was a very truthful man, he did the things so that the editors might not get into trouble, which was kind, by which I do not mean that he was always kind. Nobody knew how old he was. Some said that he was so old that he had never been born. Some said that he must be young or he could not be so wicked. So you see, there were two opinions about him. There are always two opinions about a celebrated man. If you look at him, you will see that he dressed to please himself. He wore a nice hat, but you have noticed that. And he had a roving eye, by which I do not mean his eye walked about like this.

1:02But that he looked around him a good deal. If you are thinking of becoming a pirate and there is plenty of room at the top of every profession, you will have to look about a good deal because you will have enemies. Tom Tum, that was not his name, but it was the way he signed other people's checks. And your father and mother will tell you that this is a very mean trick. Live partly on an island and partly onboard the Inky Merck. You will understand that I mean not with one foot on the island and one on the boat, but sometimes on one and sometimes on the other. Now T.T. never robbed the poor because it was not worth his while. But any person who looked rich suffered accordingly. The Inky Merck was the name of his boat. You can make one curiously like it with two chairs in a rug. One day, Tum captured a young fellow, a very handsome lad too. It was off a certain island where Tom Tum had a neat cottage in the garden of which he grew flowers for a pastime.

2:07Because of course he needed a little time to himself in between his tremendous fights. The young fellow was stealing flowers. He was surprised to see Captain Tum. When I say he was surprised, you will see what I mean by this picture. What Cinderella does not do you mean? Yel Tum, in a voice like a railway accident, by stealing my flowers. I thought they were wild. So the young fellow, taking his pipe from his mouth. Wild! Shriek Tum. Wild! This last Yel was so powerful that three of his buttons flew off his coat. The young fellow caught them neatly in his hand and presented them to the Captain on Bended Knee. The neat act saved the lad's life. In honor to serve you Captain Tum's tomb, he said. You know me? As Tum, smiling upon the boy, I thought it must be your face, said the lad boldly.

3:08He was about to speak again, had not Tum silenced him with a gesture. He liked the lad. Had he spoken again, Tum would have silenced him forever. He was about to say that any other man with a face like that would have died long ago from wounded vanity. Would you care to be a pirate, my youthful fellow? Said Tum, the lad hesitated. My father, he began, did. Said Tum in a hollow voice. My mother, dead. Tum replied in a monotonous whisper. My brother and sister, Tum raised a sorrowful hand. His heart was touched. My family, said the young man in despair. My poor boy, said Tum with tears in his eyes. My poor dear fellow, I killed them all not an hour ago. Then my sweet heart would object to my becoming a pirate. Said the lad weepingly.

4:08Enough, said Tum. You are called from Henschforth, dingy David, now to see. For ten years they plundered upon the Spanish main until they acquired so much money that bilge island, Tum's business address, smelt of hordered gold and the beach glittered with jewels. Then both Tum and David, I am keeping the secret of his real name to the end, became tired of so much adventure. They had sailed in many seas, the Spanish main, commonly known as the dining room carpet waters, the kitchen archipelago, the drawing room in Lenssee, the creek of conservatory, and the lake of passages. They had roamed the wilderness of the high street, the terrors of the gardens they knew, and the gulf of front hall with common water. So they retired for a breathing space and a wash to that island where the neat cottage stood in the Duraniums grew.

5:08They moored the Inkymurk to a low-growing palm-pom tree, and then stepping carefully, like those unaccustomed to dry land, or wetland either for the matter of that. They gazed upon each other in silence. No one, not even the most careful observer, would have recognized in the two dusty figures, the once-spruce forms of Captain Thomas Tum and Dingy David. "'Home,' said the young fellow, throwing a diamond at a wave crest. When I say diamond, they were always finding them in the corners of their pockets. "'Home, once more,' sender a dust mat,' exclaimed Tum. "'Let me hear you, oh, let me hear you say that word again.' "'Home,' said the young fellow, gazing at the ripe, ocopilly's hanging overhead. Mastering his ill-concealed emotion, T.T. rose and strode. When I say strode, T.T. never walked.

6:08He strolled, strutted, strode, or stepped, invariably, towards the house. Through open the door, excels, oh, see, what a sight met his eyes. Dust, dust, dust everywhere, dust met his eye. When I say that, I mean that he saw dust, over all the simple cottage furniture he loved. He groaned three times. The young man who was idly chewing the stone of a cringet turned and saw through the open door, dust, dust, dust. Leaping to his feet, he rushed to the captain's side. Captain, he said, we must have a char woman. I say char woman, meaning a woman who is paid to do work that other servants are hired to do but will not. And less time than it takes to skin and aquatotork, dingy David was in the rowing boat making for the shore of the mainland. Sixty-eight hours of hard rowing without arrest brought the strong young fellow to the coast.

7:09It was night. A light burned in the window of a lonely cottage that stood upon the shore. It was the work of a moment for dingy David to seize upon the beautiful maiden who was writing jam labels by the light of a solitary candle, such are the lives of the humble. Without a glance at her face, he carried her at breakneck speed to the boat, pushed off and rode like hercules for the island. Exactly 136 hours, which is five days, 16 hours from the time he started, David brought the captive beauty and laid her senseless with fatigue at the feet of Tom Tum. What have we here? As Tum, pronouncing the H very clearly, a char woman's sire responded David and smiling, the lad fell asleep. When he awoke, the sun was shining and the day was warm. One glance showed him that the cottage was a model of cleanliness. Pirates are sharp glancers. A smell of breakfast smote his nostrils pleasantly. It was the work of a moment to dash into the house.

8:10Wash, shave, and there, upon a snowy bed, were laid the very clothes in which long years ago he had been captured. In another moment, he was in them and dashing downstairs, doing up the buttons as he went. He flung himself panting into the breakfast room. The glorious girl looked up from her bacon with a cry. Tum started to his feet. The young man opened his mouth. A menna-trude, he called. Wants less. She exclaimed. For once, Tum's cool courage failed him. He started back. The sweethearts in each other's arms. Listen, said Tum, when he regained his breath, and they gazing into each other's eyes, listened. Gaze elsewhere, said Tum, and I will unfold a tale. In the heat of the moment, he put his sleeve into the butter. A menna-trude sprang to his assistance. Tum unfolded her in his embrace. This lady is my daughter.

9:10He said turning to winseless, who stood amazed. I will not bother you with the story, said Tum. But five and forty years ago, I booed in wed her lovely mother. Twenty-one years ago today, a menna-trude was born, and her mother, after lingering two years, died, leaving the poor girl in the care of an honest fishwife. When I say honest, I mean as honest as her profession would allow, I roamed the seas as a pirate. Sorrow made me merciless. Then when I wished to return to my daughter, I found that I had lost her address. "'Father,' said a menna-trude. "'My daughter,' he exclaimed. "'I am a careless man.' And I?' said winseless. What is the secret of my birth? Going up to him, Tum with one superb movement, bared the youth's arm. Upon it was tattooed in golden purple, the crest of a noble family. "'As I thought,' exclaimed Tum, then he removed his hat.

10:14"'Lord, winseless of when she's lawn.' "'Then my father was,' the youth began. "'The Duke of Thingamaru,' said Tum, bowing low. A cry sounded from the sellers of the cottage. Tum again started. "'I had forgotten,' said he. Then he put his hand into his pocket and drew forth this very book. "'Ten years ago,' said he, consulting his notes. "'I told you that I had killed your family. It was not true.' "'Not true,' said Lord Winseless. For so we must now call him, not strictly accurate,' Tum replied. "'I he-murred them in these sellers, with ten years provisions. With a noble gesture, he flung the key of the sellers upon the table. "'Release them, my Lord,' he said. We draw a veil over the rapturous meeting. When the boat was loaded with the noble family, Lord Winseless, erstwhile Dingy David, and our menitrude Tum stood hand in hand in front of Captain Thomas Tum.

11:18"'You must come and see us, Father,' said she. "'My little menitrude,' he said. "'You can bet your back hair your old father will come.'" Lord W. Rung Tum's hand, his emotion was too great for words. They stepped into the boat and sailed away. As they touched the mainland, they started, "'Boom, boom!' came the sound of guns across the water. Tum Tum was at his old game. End of the Pirates Pocket Book.