The Saint: The Horrible Hamburger 09/10/1950

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The Adventures of the Saints, starring Vincent Price.

The Saints, based on characters created by Leslie Charters, and known to millions from books, magazines, and motion pictures.

The Robinhood of modern crime now comes transcribed to radio,

starring Hollywood's brilliance and talented actor Vincent Price as...

The Saints.

Taxi, taxi.

Among men who know locomotion test, it's Louis, three to one.

Hello, Louis.

I'm Mr. Templar, climate badger.

And with it, can I waft you this beautiful evening?

With it, can you ask me, Louis, what's wrong?

Something has to be wrong before I use a political type speed.

No, but I as a law which says cab drivers can use good English.

Well, no, but I'll with it, can I waft you?

At waft me the spring lake road, if you please.

Spring lake road? I never heard of it.

You've nothing better to do than make go around making up new streets.

And Louis, spring lake road is in Westchester.

Good, let it stay there.

Louis, I want to go there.

Why?

I've been invited to dinner by some friends.

The food tastes better in Westchester?

No, but my friends live there.

Okay.

Well, please don't suck, Louis. Lots of people live in Westchester.

Lots of people are crazy.

Westchester happens to be a very lovely place.

Full of trees, ain't it?

A tree's irretractive.

To who?

Apes.

I'd better tell you how to go.

You don't have to tell me, I'll find it.

I know, but listen, Mr. Templar, I'm a cab driver.

Cab drivers never get lost.

Louis, don't say it.

We've just passed that oak tree on the left for the third time.

So it's an active tree.

I thought cab drivers never got lost.

Somebody swiped all the streets signs.

From the trees, so I got lost.

So I'll turn my badge in.

So my wife will despise me.

So my children will go through life or shame to their old man.

So Louis, Louis, it's 10 o'clock in the morning.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

I'm going to go to bed.

Louis, it's 10 o'clock.

My dinner invitation was for 8.30.

You'll never make it.

I don't doubt that, but I'm hungry.

Next time you get to an eating place,

I'll say any more right up the road.

Oh, yeah.

The happy hamburger.

Ben Watten proprietor.

I don't look very happy.

What has it got to look happy above?

I meant the place itself.

So maybe it looks a little like if the wolf came around and huffed him puffed

and he wouldn't have to stride along before it fell down.

But food is food.

Except when it's a happy hamburger, perhaps.

However, hey, it must be the wolf, huh?

Or maybe puffed.

Here he is.

Yeah, it's like an animal.

Some wolf are the poor dog licks

as if he hadn't eaten for a week.

Let's get into the junk before he mistakes me for a tea ball steak.

Oh, I must have heard his feelings.

Happy hamburger is not having a busy night.

What can I do for you?

We'd like some dinner.

Well, we're kind of closing.

But you haven't closed yet.

No, I guess we ain't.

I said anywhere.

I guess the Mrs. Odisha up some food.

I'll go tell her.

A very enthusiastic type of potion.

Never mind that.

I hope they have a well-stocked lighter.

I hope it further occurs to me that they don't have to go out and catch that dog

before they have a lighter at all.

Stop hoping a man could get seasick.

Of course, this place may be an undiscovered gourmet's delight,

but I wouldn't bet on it.

My gourmet who could have delighted in this place is still undiscovered.

What do you think of Mrs. Loven's cooking?

I don't want to think of it.

Finish with your dinner, fellas.

The dinner is more likely to finish up.

Oh, how about dessert?

Well, we've got blueberry pie and we've got a huckleberry pie.

What's the difference?

Huckleberry pie is a nickel more.

Why?

Harder to spell.

Which of you have apple pie?

Oh, man.

What's the matter, Lily?

Dinner.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

However, we won't starve to death while you try to find your way back.

I beg your pardon.

It wasn't me that was a pie.

Yeah, I was afraid it was.

I think maybe...

Yeah.

Flat?

Flat.

Fine.

We're back in front of that oak tree again.

You keep your eye on that oak, Mr. Temple, when I get the spare.

Yeah.

Want some help?

No, thanks.

Mr. Temple?

Yes, Lily.

Come here.

Don't tell me you can't let the spare all by yourself.

Well, the spare I could lift, but there's something else.

You see?

Yes.

The hitchhiker.

Man in his 40s, perhaps, dressed in farmer's clothing.

He must have had a walk in it.

Carefully tied, Lily.

He got dead.

Somebody shoots a guy all right.

Maybe he don't like him.

Why does he have to stop the corpse into the trunk of my cat?

I don't know.

There were no papers of any kind on the body.

All right, so he's a total stranger.

But why are we heading back to the happy hamburger?

Because that's where we must have acquired the corpse.

It's the only place we stopped.

We were out of sight of the car.

Unless he was already in the trunk before we left the city.

No, no.

I checked the tires, flushed the spare before I picked you up.

Then it's the happy hamburger.

The man was murdered fairly recently anyway.

How do you know?

There are no rigor, mortis, body, or anything.

Never mind.

Never mind.

I'll stay adult.

Hey, Mr. Templer.

Yes, Larry?

What kind of a welcome you think we're going to get at the hamburger?

It's hard to tell, except that it may not be a welcome at all.

You aren't as dark.

Looks like maybe they went out of business.

There's a house behind the restaurant.

That's dark, too.

The Lordans may have gone to bed after 11.

It is very late.

Maybe we should go to bed.

It becomes a junior werewolf again.

Yeah, that animal should be fed.

But not by me or the flesh I got I need them along with it.

Yeah.

I'm coming.

So is the hound of the basket.

Really?

It's not bothering you.

So far he kept his teeth on.

So I was supposed to decide to risk a few and see how we taste.

That's a chance we'll have to take.

Well, here goes.

So look now, but our chum has left us again.

I couldn't be more pleased.

You know, if they're asleep, then I'm going to love us with a great love.

And I'm not at the moment seeking affection.

Yeah.

And Mrs. Lawton?

That's right.

My name is Simon Templer. This is Lily.

What do you want?

You cooked dinner for us a little while ago.

So I cooked dinner for you.

Well, since that time we've had a little trouble.

We had a flat tire.

It's saying a garage.

I wasn't referring to the tire when I said trouble.

Why don't you say what you're referring to?

Well, I would rather your husband were here when I do.

He's asleep.

Oh, he can be awake.

What far?

It's a matter of some importance.

You're still ain't said anything.

The matter might be murder.

Murder?

That's right.

Come in.

Thanks.

Right in here.

It's the parlor.

We shall.

It takes time to wake and Mr. Lawton.

He sleeps hard.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it's necessary.

I don't make it easier.

That's all I'll get him up and grab.

I think the word for her is gracious.

Sir, if you're women right there best in the middle of the night, Lily.

That's what you think.

Would you like?

No.

Okay.

Hey, Mr. Templer.

You figure the deceased we got in the camp was put there by the lawton.

Not necessarily.

They did have the opportunity.

So at anyone else, you might have been around the place where we were having dinner.

No, stop complicating.

Think it's bad enough.

This is some parlor.

Yes, I've seen cheerier places.

They got a radio, though.

No television set.

Is that bad?

Well, Mr. Templer, what do you think of television?

I think of it as infrequently as I can.

Mrs. Lawton is apparently having difficulty waking her husband.

From what we've seen as a guy, how can she tell when he's awake?

Nine.

Ten.

Eleven.

Twelve.

You know what happens at midnight?

All right.

Ghosts take walks.

Maybe our boats have flown the coop.

That's the kind of thing.

How can a boat fly a coop?

They're in here.

They're in the parlor.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly.

They can't fly a coop.

Hi.

Hello, Mr. Lawton.

You didn't have to bother dressing for us.

I dress for myself.

Don't go tracking right over the best rug.

Set where you are.

I'll set where I am.

Wife tells me you're Mr. Templer.

I am.

She also tells me you got something to say about a murder.

I have.

Say it.

In a moment.

Your wife and you own the happy hamburger.

You already know that.

I noticed quite some farmland behind the house yours.

Yep.

You farm it yourself.

Pretty much.

Does that pretty much mean you have help?

Sometimes.

Hired hand named Webster.

A while only sometimes.

Well, you often quit this afternoon.

That's too bad.

Oh, you'll be back soon as he spends his money.

You might be wrong about that.

Always has before.

What are you getting?

Suppose we go outside to the cap, huh?

That'll mine.

Come on, Emmy.

I'm right here.

What kind of a man is Webster?

Oh, not much.

It works when he has to eat.

It's a full belly.

Stop working.

A philosopher, perhaps.

Have you ever had any quarrels with him?

I kind of know as the ancient Mr. Templer.

Perhaps.

But is there any reason why your husband should hesitate about answering that question?

No reason.

No quarrels.

Fine.

Louis.

Yes?

Please open the trunk compartment, will you?

Sure.

In a second.

There's something I'd like to show you, Mr. Lord.

The Templer.

Yes, Louis?

If you were planning on surprising anybody, give up.

What do you mean?

Look.

It looks like Boyd's can fly, Koops.

Only I picked the wrong boyd.

We have misled our koops.

Now it would appear strange.

Say, how about letting us in on this?

Mr. Lawton.

Was your hired hand a man in the middle forties with brown hair and eyes of stocky build,

or small scar under his left job?

And that's what it's to?

You must have met him.

What do you have to say for himself?

We met him, but he didn't have anything to say.

We didn't start off being the great loves of a Lawton's life.

But I hate to think what they must be thinking of us now.

I hate to think of the missing Mr. Webster.

Yeah, he didn't even say goodbye.

Mr. Templer, what happened to him?

I don't know.

The courts rarely are the active type,

but the late Mr. Webster may have been an exception.

Exceptions like that, I hope, stay away from me.

We're in what could be an overgrown film station.

And since low down low, this is expert.

Oh, town nearest, a happy hamburger.

Placing to be shut up for the night.

They didn't take the sidewalks in though.

Hey, up ahead, the gay white way.

The drugstore padley is still open.

Let's stop there, Larry.

Okay.

Yeah.

When those fuller harnesses, fight lies are in yacht goods.

How do you know it was a drugstore?

There's a large sign advertising ice cream sodas in front.

Oh, well, that explains it.

With those things?

Only for information, come along.

He joined us crawling with juveniles.

Look at a joke button.

So it is.

The waitress behind the fountain.

That's too public.

The waitress?

The fountain.

Ah.

Mr. Templar, I just lost.

Behind the cash register.

This end.

Look it.

Yeah, I'm looking.

Well, not put your eyes back in their socks.

She's dressed in kingdom.

She's wearing big tails and big blue eyes.

She's merely the farmer's daughter, Larry.

Is that a fact?

Hey, maybe she knows a joke.

Please, Larry.

It's maybe able to help us.

Is it helped?

The word you really had in mind?

Hey, good evening, man.

Hi, it's her.

I beg your pardon?

So far, what's more?

Hmm.

And far I mean what it used to be.

Not the mention of the farmer's daughter.

There's a little stranger.

Who is it?

Oh, oh, that's Larry.

It's not bad, either, but it looks married.

Who are you?

I'm Simon Templar.

I'm Teddy.

And what are you doing after I get through here?

Well, I...

You married?

No.

What a coincidence.

I'm not married either.

It's time, but...

What I wanted was...

So our clothes isn't half-hour.

Tell me then.

My dear Teddy, I...

Look, what do you know about a man named Webster?

Dan Webster?

Hmm.

I imagine so.

Hired hand out to the Lawton's?

Yeah, that's the Dan Webster I had in mind.

He wears a private property no trespassing sign on him.

Oh, who's sign?

Mrs. Lawton's.

Hmm.

How does Mr. Lawton feel about that?

Mr. Lawton has never seen fit to whisper sweet nothings

in my shell-like ear.

Don't you think they'll shell-like?

My ears, I mean.

I hadn't noticed.

Stop wasting time and do some noticing.

Look, I'm almost old enough to be your father.

Maybe, but you're not my father.

Uh...

Good evening, Teddy.

So far it's a terrible evening.

Where you going?

Newy and I have an errand to do.

My phone number is 137 in case.

In case of why?

Your errand is out of town.

Goodbye.

Wow!

I'm afraid, wow, he's exactly right.

Oh, you know, I'm coming to the conclusion

they got something in these small towns up in Western.

What do you mean they have his Teddy?

And you're married and we have an appointment.

Yes.

Where, the happy hamburger again?

You mean we're going to wake the Lawton's again?

I hope not.

And what are we going out there for?

We're going to, uh...

dresseders on the very private property.

I oughta hang a sign with shuttle on it, I might care.

I know it, imagine we're going to be coming out here again.

You're not breaking my heart.

You know, every time we come out that a happy hamburger gets darker.

I think I'll coin a proverb.

Too late.

It's always darker before it's lighter.

I don't think that'll catch you on it.

Happy hamburger.

Happy hamburger.

I think I'll coin a proverb.

Too late.

It's always darker before it's lighter.

I don't think that'll catch you on it.

Happy hamburger's up ahead.

Louis, we have a problem.

Oh, thanks for letting...

What kind of a problem have we got?

We got to find a pond, a brook, or perhaps a lake.

You got a sudden desire to go swimming?

No, not swimming.

You forget something, Louis.

I always forget something.

What is it this time?

Ponds, brooks, or lakes create mud.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Tonight, I don't need any mud.

Call me hypersensitive.

I just don't need any mud.

You better stop the car into these trees.

Okay.

About that mud, I suspect you're mistaken.

That's because you've got a suspicious nature.

Be sure to get started.

Hey, we're heading away from the house.

Not true.

Why?

We're looking for...

I know, I know.

And they rarely occur in house.

Okay, okay.

Does this watery object you're looking for

have to be any place in particular?

Or are we surveying Westchester?

It has to be on the Lotton's land.

Oh, well that helps.

Yeah, probably they got 139 acres.

And in the dark, how are we going to search it?

I understand hazel twigs don't wake anymore.

That hound without a home again.

I hope he goes away.

And be silly to me.

You don't want to meet up with him.

You'll do all the wanting by yourself.

Why? Because he's going to be a hazel twig.

What is?

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean he'll help us find water?

What's that?

Well, what is all this excitement about water anyway?

Among other things, the way water washes away blood.

No, I'll tell you a secret, Mr. Templar.

I'll never like hikes.

It can't be much longer.

That dog is definitely leading us somewhere.

And yours, you're probably to a bony berry last month.

I don't want that.

He's gone.

Are you referring to the junior size lake?

That pond, yes.

Now what?

Oh, fine.

Fine, he won't swim.

We got to go swimming too?

No, we can walk around the pond.

We're at one end of it.

Hey, look at that unground hunk of hamburger.

It stopped.

Yeah, just beyond the pond in a small clump of trees.

Would you want them?

Of course, come on.

Why?

Because the land around the pond is muddy.

All right, so the land around the pond is muddy.

This fills me with a great joy.

The dog's not moving.

He's waiting for him.

Also fills my shoes with mud.

Hey, you know what happens to trees when they die?

They become telegraphs.

Oh, that's swiping my jokes.

That dog is going nuts with joy.

But he got to be so happy about it.

He hasn't even gone near a tree.

He's digging it the ground.

Oh, sure.

You had that bony berry last month.

Do you know what we're going to do, Lily?

I got an unhappy idea.

We're going to copy the dog and dig.

Right.

I'm already looking for something to do with it.

What are we going to dig for?

Something the dog lost?

No, something we lost.

I missed a pamphlet.

A couple of feet more, I'll be in China.

I don't be silly.

You can't get to China by digging straight down.

You can't, huh?

Where you get is Australia.

Nobody ever tells me things like that.

Hey.

What is it, Louis?

From where you are, you can't see.

But from down here...

Well, I'll come to the edge of the hole.

Well, Louis, we've kind of found that corks all over again.

Look at how that dog just shut up.

I don't feel so good.

Now, I'll give you a hand, Louis.

Help climb out of the hole.

Hey, that's holes like a cob backfire.

Roads too far away.

Never mind climbing up here, Louis.

I'm going to join you down there.

Hey, what's going on?

And I'm not going to like the answer.

And someone is having target practice with us for targets.

Ooh.

I could see a vague figure at the other side of the pond

too dark to identify.

Oh, there goes that horn that walks like a horse.

Probably figured it was too crowded down here.

And Mr. Templer, I hate to mention this.

But if the boy with the gun kind of warmed us over here...

Yeah, I realize that.

Louis, this grave we're in isn't level.

The edge on your side is lower than the one facing the pond,

which means you can climb out without being seen.

Make for the trees, then for the roger, cab.

And if you police me now...

Maybe so, but then what are you going to do?

Stay here.

Otherwise our gunshooting friend will head for the cab, too.

But while I'm getting help, you are labeled to be getting killed.

That's a chance we'll have to take and believe me,

I'm not taking it with any great joy,

but we have no alternative.

You better hurry.

Okay, Mr. Templer.

But look at what the way the taxi business is.

Be careful.

I don't want to have to look for another fare,

and I kind of, you got shot in the woods.

Well, it's been a lovely life.

Simon, what on earth are you doing down there?

What on earth are...

Teddy!

Is it fun down there?

Because if it's fun, I'll come right down.

Teddy, stay where you're all, I'll...

Hmm.

May not be very fancy down here, but it is cozy.

Simon, you didn't tell me you weren't alone.

I didn't have a chance.

You better not look at him too long.

Simon, what on earth are you doing down at the bottom of a grave with Mr. Latman?

He is. Mr. Latman, isn't he?

Well, of course he is.

Why do you say it in that funny way?

Because we were supposed to think it was Dan Webster,

except that I hadn't thought so not for a while, and...

He was murdered, Teddy.

Did you murder him?

No.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

Did you murder him?

No.

Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that, because you're very handsome.

But after all, even handsome fellow shouldn't murder people, what they should do with...

Teddy, Dan Webster, along with Mrs. Latman, murdered Mr. Latman.

Well, that's not very surprising, because they did have a crush on each other,

and nobody loved Mr. Latman anyone.

They must have planned to leave town immediately after the murder, but, uh...

Teddy, did you happen to notice a dog about not to mention Dan Webster?

I heard somebody running in a dog barking before I found you.

Hmm.

Dog Mr. Fright and Webster are.

So that's all right.

How did you find me?

I noticed your car outside the happy hamburger.

I lived on the road a bit and was going home.

So I knew you were someplace around.

And when I was a little girl, I used to be a girl, Scott.

Because you wanted to learn how to tie knots or build campfires?

No.

Because I wanted to learn how to track a man.

I had a feeling it would come in hand.

Hmm.

Did anybody call for a cab?

Louie.

Oh, excuse me, Teddy.

Hello, Louie.

Hello, Louie, says.

I thought you'd gone to town for help.

I figured it would take too long.

I figured maybe I could get behind the villain and surprise him.

So instead, Mr. Pempley, you surprised me.

Back to the hamburger again.

Well, hungry.

No, except perhaps for justice.

Simon, the lot in the car is out, son.

Mrs. lot in, didn't it?

Yeah, come on, into the cab.

Oh, but this way.

I've been as quiet as you can.

All right, Simon.

You can't see us under the trees here.

Can your ignition on, Louie, be ready to start the car?

Okay.

It's ready.

Let's just come in out of the house carrying a couple of suitcases.

Yeah, he's getting into the car.

Here they go.

Louie.

I know.

Follow them.

You may not notice they're being followed.

Supposedly do.

I will have to chance that.

Okay, but look, I don't mind so much being shot myself.

But don't forget this year, cab belongs to the company.

I can't afford to get foolish in it.

We're coming into export.

What now, Mr. Compton?

Teddy, at this hour of the night, no one would be about him.

I write.

That is kind of late.

The police station is where?

The next block.

In that case, catch up with them, Louie, quick.

Why should I have a collision with them?

Preferably a small-sized one.

You're a good driver.

Louie, run them off the road.

What the cab?

Never mind that.

Hit them as soon as we get opposite the station.

Okay.

I only hope it will show on the meter.

We're getting close to them.

And he goes.

What's going on, Louie?

Oh, I didn't leave a scratch, offended.

Say, one of those cops polite, which is very unusual.

And Louie, be still.

Why?

I have to explain things to Teddy here.

From what I heard, she don't leave.

Louie, I shut up.

Please, Simon, tell me.

What do you see, Teddy?

Mrs. Lawton and Webster planned to kill Mr. Lawton

and then leave town, figuring no one would ever know.

How did they do that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm figuring no one would ever know.

How did they expect to get away with it?

Actually, their idea of facing the courts

and the trunk compartment of the cab was clever.

Normally, the body wouldn't have been discovered for days

and then miles away from expert.

But instead, you got a flat and came back.

Very lucky flat, but not for Mrs. Lawton and Webster.

She got quite as shocked when she saw her smiling faces

but she kept her head and sent Webster out to remove the body

from Louie's cab and hide it.

Only mistake she made was being too house-wisely.

What do you mean?

Oh, and Webster returned her instinctive reaction

was to tell him not to track mud on the rug.

If he'd been asleep in the house,

there shouldn't have been mud on his shoes.

Therefore, I concluded he'd been out.

I see.

And when the body was missing, I knew that he'd buried it.

The mud also told me the burial place had to be near water.

And Mr. Lawton's dog led you to the burial place

and that's where I found you, Simon.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, of course.

But we were kind of interrupted back there.

So, uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Louie!

I'm not hearing a thing.

Well, see anything in my rearview mirror.

Louie, we've reached Teddy's place. Stop the car.

Okay.

But Simon!

My dear, you're very lovely, but you're very young, so...

I'm afraid this is where the farmer's daughter

goes back to the farm.

The urban listening to another transcribed adventure of the saint,

the Robinhood of modern crime.

Now, here's our star Vincent Price.

Ladies and gentlemen, our cast tonight included Louie's

Erickson, Noreen Gamel, Arthur Cuebrian, and Dave Light.

Larry Doppkin was Louie.

This is Vincent Price, inviting you to join us again next week

at the same time for another exciting adventure of the saint.

Good night.

...

Tonight's script of the saint was written by Aua's Bitties.

The music was composed and conducted by Vaughan Dexter.

The Saints, based on characters created by Leslie Charteris, is a James L. Seffier production and is directed by Helen Mack.

Vincent Price is soon to be seen co-starring in RKO's production of His Kind of Woman.

All you Saint fans will be glad to know that the Saint comic books are on sale at all new stands.

Your answer is Don Stanley.

Three times mean good times on NBC.

Wednesday marks the return to the air of that delightful couple, Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman.

As more good times, with the halls of Ivy, with Mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman returns to NBC next Wednesday.

Take a date. Here are the halls of Ivy next Wednesday evening.

The Chimes are your invitation.

Next, it's Sam Spade, then an hour-long drama on Theatre Guild on NBC.