The Worst Animals To Be Born A Dude

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Imagine being born, and the universe immediately decides that your entire existence is going

to be a living nightmare.

Not because you did anything wrong mind you, but simply because you happened to be born

at dude.

And no, I'm not being facetious here.

I'm simply referring to our world.

And more specifically, the world of sexual selection.

We're being mailed sometimes to means you're playing life on a increased difficulty, let's

say.

And the prize at the end of the tunnel is death.

So fun times.

Now you might be thinking, okay, but mails are supposed to be the tough ones, right?

And as such, they get all the cool weapons, i.e. bigger muscles, mortis, testosterone, etc.

etc.

And yeah, but that's exactly the problem.

Because it turns out the male hormones, while great for growing muscles and winning fights,

are also fantastic and absolutely destroying your body, suppressing your immune system,

and making you do incredibly stupid things, all in the name of reproduction.

Look Maxxers, take note.

And we can see this all pretty readily.

As on average, females in the animal kingdom, including in humans, tend to outlive their

male counterparts by pretty significant margin, with a 2020 study showing that on average,

the male and females live about 20% longer than the males.

And this isn't some random fluke or bad luck, it's the direct result of, again, our

good friend sexual selection.

The concept Darwin came up with over a century ago to explain why male peacocks have those

ridiculously impractical tail feathers, and why male deer grow antlers that, well, kill

them sometimes.

There's even this thing called Batman's Principle, or, I mean, Bateman's Principle,

which essentially states that males can increase their reproductive success by mating with

as many females as possible, while the opposite is less true with females, investing

more heavily in mate selection quality, which, just goes to say, males are then incentivized

to be horny risk-taking idiots, while females are advantaged by being choosy and careful.

And for some of us, that's where it ends, we're a bit more stupid and die slightly younger.

But in some animals, they don't just give a short under the stick, they basically get

no stick.

In other words, we're talking about animals being a male means you'll basically 100% die

immediately after mating, or where you'll be eaten alive by your partner, or where you'll

dissolve into a parasitic testicle attached to a female's body, etc. etc.

And while I wish I was making this up, I am unfortunately completely serious, which

I guess only further proves that Mother Nature is basically stealing king on steroids.

And I think a great example of this is a tiny, adorable looking marsupial from Australia,

called the Antichynes, something which you might be familiar with if you see my past video

on them.

Now, when I say tiny, I mean this thing is about the size of mouse, weighing some more

between 16 to 170 grams, or about 0.5 to 6 ounces, depending on the species.

So basically let it in your phone, in many cases.

It's got big eyes, a pointy snout, and looks like something you'd want to keep as a pet.

But that's where you'd be making a fatal mistake.

Well, not fatal, but perhaps mistake.

Because as these little guys are actually experts, I'll get carnivores, that spend most

of their time hunting through Australian forests, consuming up to 60% of their bodyweight daily

just to survive.

I'll be at hunting insects and small vertebrates, but still.

Now, for most of the year, life is pretty chill for a male antichynes, besides the whole

having to eat half of your bodyweight per day to survive.

But the females do that too.

Regardless, he's out there living his best life, catching bugs, avoiding predators, and

doing normal mouse size marsupial things.

But then, as winter transitions to spring in the southern hemisphere, something crazy happens.

His testosterone levels increase.

And when I say increase, I mean we're talking about Ronnie Coleman here.

They go completely off the charts, spiking to eight times the normal level.

But at the same time as cortisol, one of the main stress hormones, skyrockets to levels

that would literally kill most animals, which is to say, not good, which thus begs the question

of why then.

Well, normally in mammals, there's this protein called corticosteroid binding globulin,

or CBG, which basically acts like a sponge that soaks up excess cortisol and keeps it from

running wild near bloodstream.

But to male antichynesis during breeding season, there is CBG levels crash like with stock

market in 2008, which means that all the cortisol is now free-floating and wreaking

absolute havoc on their body, with cortisol levels rising from 100 animals per liter

to over a thousand, a tenfold increase that would push a human to metabolic crisis.

But it gets worse.

Oh, so much worse.

Driven by this insane cocktail of hormones, male antichynesis abandon their territories

and start roaming, and just looking for their princess charming, or rather, princess charmings.

And when they do find a female, they don't just mate and move on.

Oh no, they mate from five to 14 hours continuously.

One broke in marathons that would threaten the sanity of even the most hardened gooners

and goonesses.

And he doesn't just do this once.

Nope, he'll mate with as many females as he can possibly find.

And why?

Well besides the hormones, also perhaps because it's entire legacy, needs to be secured in

this one breeding season.

And why one season you ask?

Because over 99% of the males will die right after the mating season ends, which only

will last three weeks mind you.

So that's some pretty pocklet this stuff right there.

But don't do worry, as that's not even a truly horrifying part.

Rather, it's not the fact that they do die, but it's what they die from.

And it's not exhaustion, although if that's where one doesn't help, it's rather that

their bodies literally start eating themselves from the inside out.

Just to mean muscle tissue, organ mass, even bone density, all to power their reproductive

marathon.

And the mass of cortisol levels completely destroy their immune system.

Their first starts falling out in patches, they develop gangrene and gangrene disinfected

wounds, their eyes make cloud over, and sometimes even go blind.

And yet, through all of this, they keep mating.

Stacking around the four sex zombies, desperately trying to find just one more female.

Just one more.

Now on the flip side, the females, they're perfectly fine.

Well, besides any trauma from having to go through that whole ordeal.

But they survive the breeding season, give birth to a young 25 to 35 days later, and raise

them through a very energetically demanding lactation period.

And then do it all again the next year, but all their baby daddies, dead as dead can be.

And yet, with all this said, the most surprising part about this is that this strat actually

works.

Natural selection is favored the suicidal mating behavior, because Australia basically

has a boom bust ecology, where inside populations explode for just weeks.

And thus by killing off all the adult males, immediately after mating, competition for

their juniors is now gone, which obviously kind of sucks for the fathers, but hey, at

least we'll get the doubt of the year reward, hopefully.

But if dying from stress-induced organ failure sounds bad, then wait until you hear about

the homies who actively, nay, willingly, gets eaten by their own mates.

And alive that is.

So without further ado, say hello to the Australian Redback Spider, scientifically known as Latter

Odectus Hacelty.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure some of you might have heard of male spiders being eaten by the

female before, and if you haven't, quick less than a spider behavior.

This does actually happen, not all the time, but a few different groups are known to show

copulatory cannibalism, as it's called, where the males and eaten by the female after mating.

The big difference, though, is that most of those dudes are trying to make a break for it

after doing the dirty.

But offering themselves up on a silver platter, like your Australian mate here, no pun intended.

And speaking of them, let's talk about the size difference here, because we've got

a short-king situation on our hands here, or perhaps a giant queen situation.

You see, female redback spiders are about 10mm or 0.4 inches long, and while that might

not sound that big, wait until you realize the males measure only 3-4mm or about 0.12

to 0.16 inches, meaning females can be over 3 times longer and more importantly, tens

of times heavier than the males.

And to really put this in a perspective, that's like if you try to date someone to wait

1,000 pounds or kilograms, and then who would eat you afterwards.

So shout out to all my brave, brave kings.

Now this next part isn't only a female thing, but you might be noticing a similar between

this spider and another very famous, or Shrek's Eye Infamous Spider, the Black Widow.

And that is no coincidence, as they're part of the same genus after all, Lacherductus.

We're leaving today, and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, Princess Meeting

and Greetings.

Like saber-clashing, the boylight's on tower of terror dropping, Banshee flying, Space Mountain

launching, Galaxy rewinding, what's the one that look Galaxy rewinding, Fireworks igniting,

World of other worlds, for whatever you love, infinite worlds away at the most magical

place on earth, Walt Disney World Resort.

And what are Black Widow's famous for?

They're venom, packing potent neurotoxins, with humans who have reported being bitten,

having severe pain, sweating, muscle spasms, nausea, and sometimes death, with at least 14

deaths being attributed to these cannibals.

So yeah, these are not animals you want to mess with, unless you're a male redback that

is, supposedly.

Which speaking of the males, they mature faster than the females, reaching adulthood in

about 45 to 90 days compared to the females 75 to 120 days.

And once they mature, they have just one goal.

And a female's web, with them for growing even food in their quest for manhood.

But here's the problem, besides the whole being eaten part.

Finding a female is really, really hard.

Studies have shown that in the wild, male redback spiders have less than a 20% chance of

ever encountering an adult's female during their lifetime.

So when a male finally does find a female's web, he knows this might be his only shot

of ever losing his V card.

And so what does he do?

He goes ball to the wall of course, being a simp of the highest order.

What I mean by that is that after mating starts, he does something tremendously and

stupendously idiotic.

He summers Salta's abdomen directly on her fangs and mouth area.

And no, I'm not making this up.

The male positions himself, flips upside down in a beautiful controlled summer salt, and

places his O so soft, vulnerable abdomen, right in front of the females, very non-vulnerable

mouth parts.

And about two thirds of the time, she starts eating him, just right there, mid mating.

She'll bite into his intelligent, displaced abdomen, and begin to consume him while he continues

to go at it.

And so, now you might be thinking, well that's it for him, good run for the lad.

But here's the thing, males that get eaten actually copulate for significantly longer than

those who don't.

With one study finding that cannibalized males copulated for an average of 25 minutes, while

those let escaped only copulating for 11 minutes.

But how effective is this, really?

And that's as though it turns out, by letting the female cannibalize him, she will in turn

be more likely to reject future suitors, perhaps of the testament of her love, or perhaps

because she's not hungry.

And supposedly, this strat is pretty effective when it comes to siring offspring.

With males who were cannibalized, having much more offspring than males were not.

With one 1996 study actually measuring this.

Which by the way, also had a quote in that study which said, cannibalized males are also

less likely to be cuckolded.

Which I can honestly say, I never in a hundred years thought I'd see that combination

of words in a study on spiders.

But uh, moving on from that, there is an animal in the animal kingdom, the tons of guys

which they were.

And in some way, or at least everyone thinks has a good.

The lion.

I mean, they're called the king of the jungle for a reason.

And not a great reason may I add, seeing that I live in savannas, not jungles, but whatever.

Regardless, their symbols of strength, courage, majesticness, and in some senses, masculinity.

Male lions have these glorious mains, are huge, deadly, roar loud enough to be heard

eight kilometers or five miles away, and they get to lays around with their herm, I eat

the females, do all the hunting.

That's pretty good, right?

Wrong.

Being a male lion is pretty much terrible from start to finish.

And honestly, many of them don't even make it out of childhood.

You see, the cup mortality rate is high, with numbers varying between studies, but the

picture it paints is grim.

Many will perish from disease, starvation, being trampled on by elephants, preyed upon

by hyenas, etc, etc.

But here's the thing, that's just their regular old, oh, I live in one of the harshest

environments in the earth factors.

The other factor, leading to potentially 100% mortality rates in certain situations,

is the fact that cubs also need to watch out for public enemy Numeruuno, which is other

lions.

And that might sound confusing, so let me explain.

A pride of lions is again run by a male lion, or often a coalition of male lions.

But this position as Sultan, or Sultans, is not stable, and a new coalition of males

can take over and push out the old resident males.

And guess what the first priority of business is after a successful hostile takeover, killing

all the cubs side by the previous males.

And why?

Well, for a tie lionesses, only come into asterisks, i.e. heat, after their cubs are a certain

age, usually around 18 months after birth.

And for a new male on the scene, that is simply unacceptable.

So instead of waiting, he just decides to take matter into his own hands, which is to say,

simply remove the problem.

The cubs, with their death, forcing the lionesses back into heat within a few days to weeks,

the S again, the months otherwise.

And this, death by lion, is no small number.

With one study estimating that in fantasy, it counts for about 25% of all cubs deaths.

So if you're born in a lion, period, you've basically got a couple coin flips chance of

making it to your first birthday.

Not a great start.

But let's say you're one of the lucky ones, and you survive.

Perfect.

Now you get to enjoy a childhood with your mother and the other lionesses, along with the

resident males, with one of them being your dad, who tolerate you because you're small,

theirs, and not a threat.

So play a fight with your siblings, learn to hunt, and generally have an okay time.

But this lasts until you're about two to three years old.

At which point, you are now considered adultish.

You can drink, vote, but taxes are often still a mystery.

Just kidding.

Well, about the latter part.

But once males reach this age, and thus, sexual maturity, they are kicked out of the pride,

either by their father, or if they're really unlucky, by a group of new males, who came

along and took over.

And either way, I don't mean a polite comment to the dinner table suggesting that it might

be time to leave and spread your wings, rather I mean you are driven out of the only home

you knew, at the equivalent of the end of a shotgun.

So now you're essentially an adult, you've been kicked out of your home, and you're suddenly

on your own in one of the most dangerous places on earth.

Actually let me correct myself there.

You're not usually completely alone, as you're typically evicted alongside your brothers

and male cousins.

And thus, you have now formed something called a coalition.

See how this starts?

And this is where life becomes a desperate struggle for survival, as nomadic males are basically

homeless lions.

They don't have the support of a pride's females for hunting, and they're constantly

at risk of being attacked by other territorial males.

And studies have shown that nomadic males have significantly higher mortality rates in

their counterparts.

But let's say again, you beat the odds.

You and your coalition of brothers and cousins, and sometimes in related males, manage to survive

the nomadic period.

And during this time you've been growing, building strength, and learning how to throw down.

And to that I say congrats, you're not ready to challenge a resident male or males for

control of a pride.

And this is where things get very, very violent.

You see, a coalition of males will locate a pride, assess the resident males, and then

if a family can win, which is usually a number thing, they'll attack.

These are not your school yard scraps.

Fight between male lions, do, and can result in serious, serious injuries, from miming

all the way up to death.

But when it's also not very fair, where a few males have gained up on a single one, biting

them on the back, neck, legs, and unfortunately often in the genitalia as well.

And if the challenge is win, you can then take over the pride, and now you're living

good.

Perfect.

But here's the thing, even if you do successfully take over a pride, you will only hold

it for an average of 2-3 years, before you're then overthrown by a younger, stronger coalition.

And the odds are not good for regaining control after that, if you're not dead that is.

So welcome back to being a nomad, except this time after an injured, with dead brothers

and cousins.

So again, let's do the math.

If you're born a lion, you have a significant chance of dying in your first year.

But the one and four chance that said death will come from another lion.

If you survive that, you'll be evicted around 2-3 years old, spend some possible years as

a nomad, with a significantly increased mortality rate, and then if you do survive that, and

successfully take over a pride, you'll then perhaps hold onto that for another 2-3 years

before being overthrown.

And during those 2-3 years, which you are king, you're constantly controlling your territory,

which can be by the way, up to hundreds of square kilometers, fighting off challengers,

and dealing with a stress maintaining dominance.

And yes, you get laid, congrats.

And with that congrats, we've also reached the end of this curated journey through manhood.

So congrats on that too.

Well let me just say something, this is barely scratching the surface.

As like I alluded to, there are other dudes who become parasitizing testicles, dudes who

get eggs injecting into their body, dudes who give birth to hundreds of children, and many,

many more.

But that my friends is a story for another time.

Thanks for watching, and until next time.