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Welcome back to Dane's Delight.
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Today I want to talk about peanut butter,
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specifically the three o'clock peanut butter bread.
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Not a spoon, not a cracker, bread.
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A full piece of bread with a lot of peanut butter on it.
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Dad doesn't do things halfway
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when it comes to peanut butter bread.
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I respect that about him.
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Now, the three o'clock routine has been going on for a while,
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long enough that my body knows it's coming
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before my brain does.
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I'm out in the yard minding my own business
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and then something just shifts.
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Some internal clock goes off and I think it's time.
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Time to climb the fence.
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I want to be clear about what I mean
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when I say I climb the fence.
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I'm not going anywhere.
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I put my front paws up on the top rail
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and I lean into the yard
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and I become a very large, very visible presence
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in dad's sight line through the kitchen window.
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It works every time.
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Some might call it dramatic.
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I call it efficient communication.
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Now, the others have their own methods.
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Spicy pumpkin stands at the gate.
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Perfectly still, perfectly tall.
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Like a statue that a city might put up to honor
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She has a way of looking at you
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that suggests she has been waiting
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her entire life for this moment
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and she will continue waiting with complete dignity
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for however long it takes.
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It's honestly impressive.
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And then there's Thor.
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I want you to sit with that number for a second.
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When Thor hears the bread bag
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and he hears the bread bag,
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The kitchen is inside.
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There are walls involved.
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Thor gets up on the patio table.
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Every single time the table has flipped before.
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Four saw it and seemed genuinely surprised,
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which is the part I think about most.
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Like he hadn't considered that cause and effect
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applied to him personally,
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but he gets up there anyway every day
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because Thor is an optimist.
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And then the drooling starts.
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Now I want to be sensitive here
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because Thor can't help it.
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But I also want to be accurate
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because this is a factual program.
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Four drools before the bread comes out.
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He drools at the sound of the bread bag.
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He drools at the memory of peanut butter.
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There is a point in the process
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where the ground beneath for
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becomes a different kind of ground.
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Dad knows to step carefully.
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And then there's dingus.
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Dingus is a 50 pound chow mix
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and she approaches the peanut butter situation
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with a level of calmness
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that I find both admirable and suspicious.
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She just sort of appears
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like she materialized from somewhere.
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No drama, no table, no fence.
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She just shows up and acts like
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this is a perfectly normal transaction
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between reasonable individuals.
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Which it is, I just can't do it that way.
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So the scene is set,
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me on the fence, spicy pumpkin at the gate,
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composed and statesmen like Thor on the table,
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all 150 pounds of him producing weather.
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Dingus standing somewhere nearby,
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Dad comes outside with the bread,
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four slices, one for each of us,
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thick with peanut butter, edge to edge.
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The man is generous.
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You can smell it from across the yard.
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You can probably smell it from the street.
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I would not be surprised
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if birds changed course.
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I get mine first from the fence.
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Dad walks it right over to me,
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which I think validates my entire strategy.
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23 steps I counted, worth every one.
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Spicy pumpkin gets her second.
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She accepts it at the gate with the composure
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of someone who knew this was always going to work out.
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Just dignified receipt of a well-earned snack.
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Thor gets his third.
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This is when the table situation
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reaches its conclusion.
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150 pounds of relief.
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The drooling does not stop when the bread arrives.
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I want to be clear about that.
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The drooling continues through the eating.
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It just changes character someone.
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And then Dingus, who walks over, takes her slice,
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and eats it like she scheduled this meeting
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and is pleased that ran on time.
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Four slices, four dogs, everything as it should be.
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I've fought a lot about why I get mine first.
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My leading theory is that dad appreciates commitment.
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I'm on the fence every single day, rain or shine.
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I have never once missed a three o'clock.
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That kind of consistency deserves recognition.
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I believe dad understands this.
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My other theory is that he just starts at the fence
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because I'm the hardest to ignore.
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Both theories may be correct.
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After the bread situation concludes,
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dad feeds us dinner outside,
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which I appreciate because inside gets complicated
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with four of us in our respective sizes.
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Outside, we spread out.
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Everyone gets their bowl, their space,
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there's dignity, there's no one accidentally standing
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in someone else's food,
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which used to be more of an issue
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than I'm going to get into right now.
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Dingus eats with focus and efficiency.
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She is done before most of us have gotten started
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and then she just sits there watching,
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which I find slightly unnerving.
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Spicy pumpkin eats like she's being photographed.
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I eat at a reasonable pace and mine my own business.
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Four eats like the bowl personally offended him
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and he is settling the matter.
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We've got it figured out.
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The point I'm trying to make and I do have a point
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is that the three o'clock peanut butter bread
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is not really about the bread.
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It's about the routine, the knowing,
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the fact that every day at three o'clock
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something good is coming.
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Dad's going to come outside.
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Dingus is going to materialize.
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Spicy pumpkin is going to stand at that gate
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like she's been elected to something.
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Four is going to get on that table
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and take his chances with gravity
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and I'm going to climb that fence
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because tomorrow I think might be my day.
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It probably won't be.
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I'll still get mine first, but you know what I mean.
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You don't climb the fence because you're certain.
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You climb the fence because peanut butter smells really good
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and hope is a powerful thing.
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And also because dad always looks over eventually.
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He always looks over.
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This has been Danes Delight.
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Four, please get off the table.
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Dingus, where did you even come from?