Tom Segura: The Early Years

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is our you garbage.

Oh, yeah.

So let us show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that up to

Europe to be classy.

Yeah.

They're just a big old piece trash.

Tommy buns.

I'm your host, Dave.

Shirley coming at you on a beautiful day.

We're down here in Austin, Texas at Tony Ranch soon to be the premier producer of

Longhorn Beef.

My co is coming right next to me.

He is the CEO of our you garbage international business man.

My best pal in the whole world.

Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody.

What up gang shout out to you.

Thanks for tuning in as always.

Make sure you're right.

We've you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube full video available

over there on Spotify.

Maybe climbing a chart shout out to the creator program.

And we're charged in the charts, mate.

We're not the top of the charts.

Doesn't matter a little the charts.

You know what I mean?

Who wants to be in the top of the pack?

Not us.

We're a couple of middle of the road kind of guys.

Then obviously patreon.com.

So I show you garbage.

You go over to get all that bonus kind of thinking.

That's right.

And gang we couldn't be more excited ever incredibly.

And I mean incredibly special guests back with us again today.

You know him.

You'll love him.

Mr. Tom.

Sakura.

Thank you.

Tommy Evans.

Thank you.

Entrepreneur actor producer, podcaster.

This has real date line vibes.

It does.

It does.

I feel like what are you doing here?

Where I buried the kids.

There's no way I'm making with this fireplace.

Either I'm already.

Schfitz.

I love the ranch by the way.

Thank you.

I totally bought it when you were like, I guess bought the play.

I was like, oh shit.

But you might have I was like, I'm not doing as bad as everybody thinks.

I don't know.

I got to push back on that.

Do you really think I could have swung this?

Me personally could have swung this.

I didn't doubt it when you said it.

Man.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, it's not like there's that.

Take that loser.

Yeah.

We talk is a nice.

It's all brick stone.

Whatever it is.

It's nice.

It's really nice.

Nice joint.

Yeah.

What did you think when you get the hell out of my house?

It's a nice property.

It's an Airbnb.

We spent more money on it than we made this week.

Sure.

That's how you got operating.

So perfect.

Well, I called because when I got the address and I pulled up and I called my

guy and I was like, hey, man, this is a house.

You had a house?

So I thought it was like a studio.

Sure.

And he was like, I don't know.

I was like, it's a house.

I don't think this is right.

This is like a big fucking ranch house.

He was like, let me check.

And then the gate opened.

I was like, oh, it's the right place.

Couple of cartel guys out front.

Yeah.

It was a little deep.

Maybe some secario shit.

Yeah.

But we were all going to win.

And we're like, I wonder what is going to pull up in.

And then like, he's here.

We're all like peering out the window.

Like, you do not belong here.

I wanted to go to the garage and play casual.

You guys have me go to the front door.

Those are nice welcome front doors and nice welcome.

Yeah.

I mean, that's a classy welcome.

Yeah.

Dude, we have first of all, there's about 10,000 empty beer cans in the garage.

We didn't want to reach guys.

Everybody comes to the garage.

Nobody goes to the front door here.

Yeah.

Somebody comes over there coming to the garage.

No.

They come in the front door.

Okay.

That's why I don't know.

I love you.

I love what you're understanding of what rich people you think rich people do.

Nobody comes into the window.

The last one thing I want to ask you about now, because we're going to go back a little

bit to get to your trashiest era.

Yeah.

Like the bakery.

You got the bakery going now.

Yeah.

Here's that.

Let's hit that.

So, okay.

Right now, we have our pop up.

Is that the fairgrounds downtown.

Okay.

And then today, we opened a remote.

No shit.

Like, also downtown.

And then the grand opening of our big place.

It's May 1st.

It's on South America.

Huh.

Now, how involved in that of you?

I mean, I have.

Says and like.

And you're shown up to meetings.

I should I go up.

Yeah, I go there.

My question is, when you show up to these meetings, you always have the glasses on, right?

To look smart and sharp.

Probably.

Yeah.

That's where those almost looking over blue prints.

Yeah.

What is this?

Very nice.

Now, if I were to go in there and maybe drop your name, would I be like?

There's nobody that connection close, right?

If I'm like, I know, you know, is Tom here?

You know what I mean?

Like, is Tom in the back?

That I mean, they would tell you, for sure.

I mean, I go there.

So yeah, they would be like, yeah, he's here or no.

He's not.

I'm going to try this afternoon.

There are.

These are like off the boat Italians, though.

But these are the real deal.

They don't like you.

I don't do well with Italian.

Are you are you boss?

Like, would you like correct them?

Correct them.

Correct them.

Employee or anything like that?

Hey, wash your hands.

What are you guys doing?

I don't have shit right now.

Nice.

Because they, I, they manage, like it's, I'm their partner.

He's not the fucking shift manager.

You guys clean the bathrooms every day.

If I saw something bad, though, what I do is just tell the guy,

I'd be like, you know, this guy is a fucker.

Like, if you walked through the walk and I was smoking a bowl in there,

would you wrap it up?

You know, he's doing whippets.

No, it's so good, though.

I have to, I almost have to stay away.

It's sure.

It's fucking, this guy is making pastry crack, you know.

It's, it's, so we gotta go.

We gotta go.

You have to go.

Let's just recap.

You got to bakery.

You just finished season two of bad thoughts.

Yeah.

Right.

You're shooting a movie.

I shot, I shot one over the summer.

Movie shot.

The one with LT Grey.

Right.

Yep.

So pretty fantastic.

That was great.

That was so much fun.

Everything's good.

It's good.

Yeah.

Said you just got a new place.

You got a hot new car outside.

You got the family.

You got the pods.

You got everything going on.

It's good right now.

Everything's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's probably right now.

It's probably right now.

Yeah.

That is not always one of the case.

No.

Pass it.

No.

I shouldn't give you a picture of yourself a couple of weeks ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, you were like, well, how big are you?

Customated your buttons?

Oh, that's right.

From the, you were like, that was from the podcast.

You were like, it's the wild picture.

So while you're like, what's up with the fit?

And then as soon as you said that, it clicked.

And I was like, oh, that's a shirt from Hong Kong.

Yeah.

That was custom made for me.

Because I couldn't buy shirts and stores.

Dude.

Yeah.

You look, dude, you look like.

Why Hong Kong?

You look like an enforcer for the Ukrainian mob.

It's like a wild choice.

Because, okay, I'll tell you why.

So I shot, I shot my first special in 2013.

It came out in 2014.

This is a Netflix special.

Netflix special.

Okay.

This was the one.

So it's not a, you know, they do license.

They do originals.

Right.

This was a license special.

It was a week and you sold out.

I remember.

Here's what I remember.

I remember that the special came out in March of 2014.

I remember that in June or July, I played the Cleveland improv.

Nice.

And the guy was a real ballbuster there.

Lee.

And he goes, he goes, I don't know what's going on.

But you hit some bonuses.

And I don't know why.

Thanks, Lee.

I go, what?

He goes, I don't know.

I have, this doesn't make any sense.

But you hit bonuses.

I'm not a fan.

I think it's a bit pedestrian.

What?

People are con.

People are con.

For people that don't know, what happens is like when you're selling tickets

and clubs, you have like a flat.

This is when you're starting out.

Sure.

You give a flat rate.

And that's like no matter what.

Then you move into the next tier, which is you have your rate.

Plus, if a certain amount of people come to shows, you get bonuses.

So it might be like $500 a show, $300 a show.

It's just different rates that will bump up your pay.

And you're always like gauging those, right?

You're always like, how close?

Yeah.

One of my clothes.

Yeah.

And they're like, no.

So these are all paper tickets.

Yeah.

They're like, this is free.

So that weekend though, he had told me he was like, you hit some bonuses.

I don't understand.

And I wasn't even like, oh, it's the special because the special comes out.

Special comes out.

You're seeing at the time, Twitter.

Mm-hmm.

And you're just like, yeah, some people like, hey, I saw your special.

And then nothing like that's the only metric to really at that time.

Then a month later, you're like, did my life change?

No.

Like everything is the same.

And then you're just like back to it.

Back to the Cleveland Empire.

So that's what I was doing.

And it was like, he was like, you hit bonuses.

And then I remember that I did San Francisco.

I did Cobbs.

Great club.

Towards the end of the year.

And I had, I was working contracts that were signed for way earlier.

Sure.

You got shit deals.

Like shit deals.

But I walked away from that club with like, I think the guarantee was like two or 1800.

And I left with like 9,000.

Jeez.

And I was like, that's okay.

You could have told me.

It was 200.

And I was just like, what?

And at that point, it was like clear that I was selling tickets.

So in 2015.

Oh, wait.

So in 14, the special had been out a little while.

I think we're in like September, October.

I'm starting to like clearly sell tickets.

Right.

And I do a tour of Asia with, um, with, uh, Pete Lee.

Oh, the documentary.

And then there's a documentary.

Okay.

I need you to kill.

Yeah.

It's on, I think it's on prime while we're there.

You did the richest shit I've ever seen in that.

You, he couldn't remember his bits.

So he bought an old album.

And I'm like, oh, yeah.

What the fuck?

I guess he's been 14 bucks.

I hear your own shit.

This guy's got some cash.

That's happened to me multiple times where I got hired to do a private.

And I made the mistake.

This is a mistake just so you know, if you're ever doing a private.

And no one's hiring us to do private gigs.

Well, if you do a private, they'll sometimes you'll meet people that are over it in a video.

Like the buyers ahead of time.

And I think a nervous thing to do is be like, hey, you know, like this is what I had done.

I was like, hey, you know, I'm on, I'm on a tour.

I'm just doing, I'm doing the act.

I'm doing the act that I'm doing on tour.

And I've said that to people at privates before the show.

And they're like, no, no, no, I want you to do like this, this and this.

Like they'll name this stuff.

You see the stuff they've seen that they like of you.

And then I'm like, that's like eight years ago or something.

And I've had to go and download an album and listen to it.

And then fuck it all up.

Like I get it all wrong.

But anyway, when I was in Hong Kong, I got you guys got suits made.

We got suits made.

But I also had like the guy took measurements and did shirts.

And I just kept ballooning.

I just kept getting fatter.

You were a big boy.

Oh, and that's not even the worst of it.

Was it fattest?

The fattest is going to be like the end of 2015 beginning of 16.

That's new. That's new.

That's new money.

That's that's a lot of dinners and rich guy dinners.

And it's also it's a emotional like what's going on?

How do I do this?

How do I maintain this?

Or so I think the most ever got to was 265.

That's what you see in that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, what you're seeing there though, though, that's.

Yeah.

That's 265 point.

Yeah.

All right.

That's good.

So that's kind of the coming out of all that.

Yeah.

Let's go back.

And some of this you might have talked about.

But we're going to do in a kind of a linear linear way,

which is interesting.

Were you living in LA?

All right.

So I get to LA January 2002.

And I have no idea how LA operates.

I also am not coming to do stand up.

I'm coming to do comedy acting.

That's what I think my path is.

Comedy acting.

You know, I mean acting, but I'm like, oh, I'll do comedic.

comedic acting.

Yeah.

That's what I think I'll do.

You know what you're talking about?

Well, I mean, first planning comedy acting.

I'm like, I want to do acting, but comedy.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, actor people think you're like drama.

Sure.

I don't have like, I'm not like, I'm going to be fucking Christian Bail.

I'm just like, oh, I'll do what these guys I see do.

I can be fought.

I can be funny.

A comedic actor.

There it is.

So I go, oh, what's, you have to have some type of idea of how to do this.

I go, what I'll do is I know that SNL pulls people from the ground links.

Sure.

So I'll sign up for the ground links.

I'll take their classes.

I'll get into the performing ground links thing.

SNL will come see me.

I'll do SNL.

And then I'll do it like great plan.

Obviously.

It's a clear plan.

Sure.

I tell my mom things show business works by the way.

Of course.

That's how everybody.

I don't you call SNL.

You got good skits.

My mom.

Why don't you call Leno?

Yeah.

For what?

Tell it.

Leno.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like also like the easiest guy to talk to.

Like really laid back.

Super cool guy.

So.

So where are you living?

Where do you move into?

I'm trying.

All right.

So the first place I live.

Care about your grounding stories.

This is a.

You want the dirt.

This place is on man's field.

Okay.

In Hollywood between Fountain and Santa Monica.

It is a track for trans prostitutes.

Nice.

And it's also a place people go to get heroin.

It's a big heroin thing.

So you would always see trans prostitutes walking by.

Off of the balcony.

And then you would.

You'd see people score a heroin all the time there.

Cool.

And I was like, this is cool man.

I live in Hollywood.

It's a great.

This is a story.

These are my.

These are my LA years.

We're comedies mate.

Yeah.

So.

How many acting.

So I go to the ground.

Things.

I sign up.

I.

You have to do.

You do like an audition class.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm going to skip the first.

Obviously.

I was like, yeah.

No shit.

So.

Get Lauren on the.

Let's go.

I got shit to do.

I need a Ferrari.

I go.

I want to start with the black belt class.

Yeah.

I mean, I really feel like I'm like,

I definitely got this right.

And then you will.

You need to think that to.

You have to think before you get checked.

You got to go.

I literally get.

If I'm,

I did comedy for the first time.

And I went,

if I'm not famous in a year,

I'm giving it up.

Like.

You just don't know how it worked.

Like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Myself 15 years.

And it finally worked.

So then they put you in like to your.

Like,

I'm like, you skipped like the bait.

Like as you see,

you go into like a two oh one or one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're like,

this dipshit is.

I don't tell me I'm like him.

Right.

So.

I'm putting this guy.

You jump them.

You're like, yeah,

these guys are.

They don't have it.

And then you go into like.

201.

I do that.

Is where I meet.

Some other people that are taking the class.

That are stand-up comics.

Gotcha.

And they are.

They tell me in class one day separately.

They're like, you should try stand-up.

I was like, what?

They go that too.

They go, no, I don't.

I was like, what?

And they go, you'd like that.

I can just tell.

I think you would like that.

And I go, I have no idea what to do.

Uh-huh.

So they go, just come with me.

And I'll show you like how I do spots.

So I went with two separate people.

I went with Nick Wagner.

And I went with Sam Tripoli.

Cool.

Tripoli was in my class.

And he took me around.

I watched him do spots.

I was like, I don't even understand the concept of how this works.

So he's showing me.

He's doing these spots around town.

Nick takes me one day into this place called the Cat Club on sunset.

And there's a, it's not a bringer show.

It's a, it's a book show.

Okay.

But it's like, you know, it's not high level.

It's not like established comedians.

It's like people all trying to like kind of get in.

You know.

So he walks me up to this lady.

Uh, Kathy.

And he goes, um, he goes.

This is my friend Tom.

He's a comic.

And I'm like.

Yeah.

She goes, okay.

And she's like, look at me.

He's a actor.

She goes.

We have a, like, you want to do the show like April 9th or whatever.

And I was like, yeah.

Yeah.

Of course.

Sounds good.

And she's like, all right.

Cool.

Your book.

I was like, great.

And then I leave there.

And I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

How far away was this three weeks?

It was like a few weeks away.

And I go.

Not joke one.

Do you have nothing?

Well, I'm like, I have to like start writing things down.

So I go to the improv.

I see standups like perform.

And I'm like, oh, I got this shit.

Like, this is fucking.

I'm going to run circles around.

Sure.

I write down stuff.

And I'm like, I don't know.

I got like 45 or something.

And then the five.

You're just, you have no idea how it works.

You have no idea.

There's no like, here's the, here's the rule book.

There's no Ten Commandments.

You're just like, all right.

It's, it's that, it's that like unknown, right?

Especially if you haven't, like, there's some people who are like, they're around a lot.

So they start to like get an idea.

But I wasn't around it.

Like, it was, it's so like I knew what standup was obviously.

But I wasn't like in the clubs watching.

To be like, oh, they're redoing the same bits.

They're changing.

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

But you're booked.

You're all set.

April 9th.

I've learned.

I remember that as I, as the date was approaching, I got like more and more nervous.

And the morning of the set, I popped up out of bed at like five in the morning.

Like, just sat up like, like, like that.

And I start like walking through the apartment, like rehearsing to myself.

Here's how fucking dumb I am though.

He's doing like, you have like a remote in your hand as a mic.

Probably.

I was my go-to move.

And that Comcast remote was pretty good.

And then he's doing the tonight's show and an auction.

Hey.

Doing, doing gestures.

Oh, you want me to come over to the couch?

Which side's the band going to be on?

The craziest thing that I did.

I still, I mean, I can't believe I did this.

But it's like, it's so dumb.

I'm in that him.

I'm in the next level of the in class.

Groundless class.

Like the day two days before we have class.

And then people are just talking.

I was like, oh, yeah, I got to show Thursday.

They went shows.

And they go, I didn't know you just stand up.

And instead of being like, woman, try it for the first time, I used to go, yeah.

I'm actually like, and the level.

The whole class is like, we want to see you just stand up.

And I was like, fuck yeah, you should.

I'm like, what didn't you want to do?

Legend in the making.

I go to that thing.

I'm just a nervous wreck.

I don't, I never drink before sets.

Like I've always been like, I don't like that.

Right.

That day at the bar, I think I down three in like four minutes.

Just like pounding them.

So nervous.

And as I've never done a set, I'm like, when do I go up?

And they have the list.

You know, there you go.

You're seventh.

And I was like, oh, Jesus.

Now you got to sweat it out.

So the MC is like this older lady.

She goes up there.

She's reading stuff.

She's doing her set.

And then she's like, all right, your first comic is Tom Segura.

And I'm like, I'm seven.

As I walk on stage, I go, I thought I was seventh.

And she looks down.

She goes, oh, yeah.

Like, yeah, you are.

You were.

And so I'm like, all right, bitch.

But I, I, at least I do well enough in my mind where it's like, fine.

And then I, I get off.

And I think one of my friends had come too.

And afterwards we all went somewhere like to have drinks and hang out.

And I was like, like, fucking throwing a party basically.

And one of my friends, he leans over.

He goes, you know, you didn't get paid, right?

Like, he's like, you're acting like.

Yeah.

You got paid.

And I was like, why do you have to fucking ruin it?

Yeah.

What are you talking about, man?

We're having it in my brain.

Right here killing it in my leg.

Yeah.

It's a great day.

Just fucking let me have fun.

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Do it.

Anyway, I'm just like at that point.

I'm like, oh, I'm a I'm a stand up.

Yeah.

And I start doing spots like once every two months.

I don't even know that that's not a lot.

I think that you're working your work.

You're working the scene at that.

I think that that's like a lot.

I'm like, yeah, I did one in April.

I got it one in June.

Like I think that that's a lot.

Uh-huh.

Like that's how comments work.

So what?

So what?

Probably six months or more to learn that comics are going up.

It's important.

There's a you got to work the system.

Yeah, I didn't know.

I didn't even know that.

So what's your day to day at this time?

So off stage.

So off stage.

What do you mean?

What are you grocery shopping?

What's the story?

Yeah, I'm.

Is it just you in the department?

No, I have roommates.

Okay.

Yeah.

What are you doing for the day?

You doing the producer thing?

No, I'm.

I'm.

I have so many different jobs.

Okay.

I end up getting.

So I work.

First, I open.

I'm one of the opening staff on Chibo at Chibo on sunset.

Okay.

Which is, um, it was a walk up where you could order like paninis, you know, lemonade, like

like sandwiches and like.

And it's a counter.

Like you walk up in order.

So I would work the front counter.

What time do you got to be there in the morning?

The, um, I told the guy chef, I was like, I want to be a chef too.

I'm going to be like a cook.

So he was, you're just, you just see someone doing something.

I can do that.

I did.

I, but I would get, I was getting so high at night that I would come in like this.

And he was like, go get the prosciutto out of the walking fridge.

I was like, all right.

And I'd be in there for like 20 minutes.

Who's prosciutto?

And then I come back and he goes, that's fucking bacon.

Like he gets so mad.

I was like, and he told me like, he's like, this is not going to work.

I was like, I agree.

So I did that for a while.

I did the front counter there for a while.

Okay.

Um, I also worked in post production for a long time.

Right.

And this was the thing.

Everybody who does stand up or I think any of the arts at some point has to make a choice

of are you going to have the stability of a real job or take the risk of the art thing?

I get to a point where you're like, I have to make that this month.

I get to a point.

So I was like, I was a logger on reality shows.

Yeah.

And then I was lead logger.

Then I was the post production coordinator.

And I worked in the story department.

These are all reality shows, right?

And then at one point, I got this is also just the stupidity of like in 2007.

I signed with a manager.

And it was the day that I signed with him was the day we were starting a new show.

And on this new show, something had happened in post production where people,

someone had sued one of these post production companies for not paying overtime to a lot.

They were only paying overtime to editors.

And they would abuse the time that we, so we would work on paper a 12 hour shift.

And they would have us there 14, 16 hours or more, right?

And they were just like, it is what it is, dude.

Yeah.

This is the job.

And you just would suck it up.

I had a cool boss that he would let me dip out to do spots.

Because at this point, I would know that I had, so he would let me go do a spot and come back.

And then if I had a weekend, I'd be like, hey, can I have, you know, Thursday and Friday off?

But I'll work like more next week.

I'll make it next week.

And he was like, yes, he would take care of me like that.

Well, on this new gig, it was a new show.

They were like, you're going to get the most you've ever gotten as a base rate.

And overtime.

So this was clearly going to be the most money I would I had ever made at that point.

But I signed with a manager.

And like two days later, he's like, I got you an audition, like for this movie, like at one in the afternoon.

And I go, I need to quit my job.

So I quit.

There you go.

I resigned.

And I was like, I'm full tonight.

You resigned?

And I told, I told the, from the Pignini place.

Well, I told my manager.

I was like, yeah, I quit my job that he was like, what?

It's like an idiot.

I was like, isn't that good?

He was like, uh, yeah, you didn't get the movie.

He's like, yeah, you didn't get the movie.

It was an Eddie Murphy movie.

I was like, this is the big time.

I'm in the snow.

How were you on the early days of the road?

Your behavior, your eating habits, etc.

Oh, it was a slow, unrolling of bad, bad things.

I mean, it was the client feature a lot on the road.

Oh, a lot.

So that started out as a feature.

I started as a feature.

I was, I also worked at a pizza place on Riverside Drive in L.A.

Serving pizza.

And I remember that guy, the owner was gay.

And I would wear shorts a lot.

And one time I was late and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm late.

He goes, we always take it easy on guys with nice legs.

And I was like, what?

And then I was like, oh, I didn't know.

I was like, okay.

I'll just wear shorts every day.

Shake my little ass.

He's like, you got nice, nice calves.

So I worked there.

And the other one that I had that was a real, this was a crazy full circle thing for me.

Is you know what a site rep is on productions?

No.

So if you, if you own this house and you go, I want that.

I don't.

But you don't.

But I thought you did.

But if you own this house and you go, I want movies and television shows.

Right.

You give the house, you basically give the house to an agent that's like an agent for houses.

For productions.

Well, the day the production shoots here, that company has to send someone to basically

look over the house for the owner to the product.

You're like a liaison.

Make sure they're not fucking a place.

They don't fuck the place up.

Right.

I did that.

I did that for a few years.

Okay.

And so I would work at hospitals, churches, houses, banks, all types of buildings like with productions.

We just filmed season two of bad thoughts.

Right.

And one of the places that we shot was the headquarters of this place that I used to work at.

No kidding.

So the owner was like, it's crazy that you used to work here and now we're shooting your show here.

Did you have to?

He was, you need to do the owner.

Yeah, I knew the owner.

Yeah, I knew him at the time.

So he came down and he was fucking awesome.

That was pretty crazy.

But I worked on that.

And that was like an hourly job.

And it was just all I needed at that point was like enough to get by.

I mean, I was living in one of the worst neighborhoods in LA.

I was living in the rampart division, which is like famously a dangerous place.

Sure.

There was a lot of gangs there.

There was MS-13 and this Mexican gang that they would go at it.

Like cheese.

Broad daylight shooting on the streets.

Yeah.

Crazy.

Crazy meeting.

I'm counting.

I saw a cop one time at a bank, a Wells Fargo, like adjacent to downtown.

And I rode the elevator with him.

And I mentioned, I go, yeah, I live over here.

He goes, why do you live here?

And I go, it's a cheap, you know, because I didn't have any money.

And he was like, you got to be able to live somewhere else.

And I go, is it that bad?

He goes, we don't even go down these streets.

Yeah.

And I was like, really?

He's like, no, we don't even, we don't even patrol these areas.

I was like, I go, that's where I live, dude.

He was like, you got to get out of here.

And he was like a lieutenant.

Yeah.

He's like, I won't even understand what I'm like.

That's awesome.

So, so wait, I forget where we were.

So you start working the road a little bit.

The road.

The road.

So I start doing a few gigs.

In 2006, I take, I think I said seven, but it was six.

So I think that I quit.

I take every feature gig that they offer me.

And they offer me a bunch.

Okay.

And I take them all.

Just funny bones.

What is it?

Yeah.

Funny bones and improps.

And I take like almost like every one in the nation, they, I get an offer.

But it's for people, no, no, that's, you get $100 a show.

Uh-huh.

No airfare.

You have to get yourself there.

So I looked at it kind of like going to graduate school.

You know, you have to like figure it.

It's a investment.

You have to invest.

Because you're not making money.

You're losing money like everybody.

But you're getting the rep.

You have to look at it as like, well, I'm getting five or six.

I did notice this thing though.

It's like, I was looking at it.

I was like, yeah, I'm working the road and working the road.

You're not making any money.

I noticed that like six months after like going hard at this.

And I'm doing Kansas City, Hartford, Cincinnati, Tampa.

Like I'm doing the whole country.

I come back and do shows in LA with like my people that I was used to seeing to stand up with.

And I was like, oh, like I've, like I have got better.

I've gotten you're getting the groove.

Yeah, because I'm performing for different crowds.

Six nights a week or whatever.

All over the country.

I could feel that like the shift of like you're getting better at it.

So I noticed that there's still no fucking money.

Like there's just no money.

So what's that?

What's that?

What's that weekend look like?

Are you staying in the hotel?

Are you just eating in the screen?

Yeah.

So I'll tell you what it looks like.

I get obsessed as with most people do when you start touring with airline status.

Sure.

Because every day you look at that monitor and you're like, am I getting upgraded?

And if you get upgraded, it feels like you've won a lot of it.

Like it's just a euphoric feeling.

And sometimes you'd see your name go up the list and you're like, come on mother fucker.

Somebody die on this first class.

Like you just want to get upgraded.

So that was the first thing I've never been upgraded.

Really?

What kind of animal were you when you got upgraded?

And when you're in first class and you get everything?

Oh, I mean, I wasn't, I was never a big boozer.

But I would be like, can I have three breakfasts?

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Yeah, I would, and then like, how many snacks?

And they're like, that's, well, there's a, these are for everybody.

And I was like, but I have to get off the plane.

So I would take, I've been bumped up, please.

I love the, the, these to have the Delta would have the, it was like chocolate brownie brittle.

Like it was like a, when you, if you'd overcooked, she'd a brownie's and then they break it up.

And I would eat those for breakfast.

I would eat those for breakfast with a Coke.

Like that's how I started.

And then you land and then, and then the thing it becomes.

So, are you renting a car?

No.

No.

That's not in the box.

You pick me up, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You pick me up.

Who's picking you up?

It's some fucking scumbag from the club.

The boss point.

The guy who has the dirtiest, shittiest car.

Where you up, where you're like, there's actual trash.

You're like, when you step in, you're like, what's this?

Like, it's just trash.

Hey, what's up, man?

And you step on the trash.

He works the clubs and he's like, they let me do this.

I'm like, yes.

They let me do this.

It's a treat for me, too.

And then you have to, then you have the anxiety of what will the condo be like?

So the condo, a lot of clubs own an apartment.

They call it a condo, the comedy condo.

It's a write-off for the club.

They don't have to spend money putting people up significantly cheaper.

Because they know it's $1,100.

Exactly.

30 hotel rooms.

Exactly.

And this is kind of a dying thing.

No, but that's it.

It was bigger than that.

And usually that's a Wednesday night thing.

So you're getting in Wednesday night.

And you're like, you're like, how fucking shitty is this going to be?

And you get there.

And you also have the, I would have the anxiety of like, I know I have to wake up tomorrow

at four in the morning.

Right?

Which, I'm living in LA and I'm on an East Coast run.

So four in the morning feels like one in the morning.

Yeah.

And they're going to pick me up to do a run of radio spots.

So you're like, all right.

You went in the headline or just you?

Well, you just went in your headline.

Well, it's kind of like transitional.

It's both, right?

As you're right.

As a feature, you don't.

It's not on you, but sometimes they're like, we want you to come with.

So then it's just like, what I'm looking forward to is an early morning high fat breakfast.

That's what I'm going to bet.

I mean, what I want is like a bacon, egg and cheese croissant.

Or burrito or both.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, yeah, I got my, my protein, but I need to get some sugar in my system.

Yeah.

Some will some sweet.

Yes.

Sweet.

So I would honestly eyeball.

I mean, I'm not kidding when I say I open the place because I love chocolate croissants.

I would look for chocolate croissants.

And I would want that too.

And then lots of coffee.

And I would be just running on fumes for these, these radio runs.

And I would just be honestly fantasizing about the nap.

I used to sleep so much more than I sleep now.

I would get back from that morning radio run.

And it would be like, I don't know, maybe like 8 a.m. or something.

And I'd be like, I think I can sleep till three at the sugar coma going.

Oh, bro.

I would prefer diarrhea.

And then I would take.

And then I would take a lot of diarrhea.

I would have diarrhea every day.

Oh, I'd still do.

There's nothing better than diarrhea in a hotel room because you're just like, it don't matter.

It doesn't matter.

It's not just like just bullies.

And basically you go, do I need to shower after this?

Yes.

That would be the dilemma of the morning.

And then I would try to have like stuff like in the room.

Like if I could on the way back from radio pick up like an Italian sandwich.

So I was like, oh, when I get up after I jerk off, I'm going to want to eat.

Sure.

A lot of jerk.

Yeah, he had a carbolo.

So I would be like, I could have, I could wake up and eat this.

That'd be a, that'd be a fucking great day.

Can I ask you, would you put the Italian sub in the refrigerator?

Would you kind of leave it out to let it?

I would more than like lemonade.

I would more than like to put it in the fridge because I'd be worried about how long it's going to be out.

Like if it was going to be out for like a little while, it's ideal.

But if I'm like, you don't want to lose it.

I'm going to be out for seven hours.

I'm going to probably put this in the fridge.

Because not that long ago, I really rolled the dice with a tuna hoogie.

Yeah, where I ate half of it.

And then we went and did a show.

And then I got back on like 11 o'clock and it was still sitting there.

And I would, you know, it just really, you know, it joined itself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was so good.

But I could have got violently ill.

You could have.

I think you did get violent.

He did get violently ill.

Did I?

Yeah.

And he's like, I don't know what it is.

So both things happened.

It was so good.

So good.

He got violently ill.

It was so good.

Well, he was so sick.

I don't know what it is.

But like, well, you know, and then like half of the time on the road with him is like, you know, going over symptoms.

Like what?

Wait, it could be.

You're like backtracking of like, you know, and Luke was like, you know, what would you eat?

And he was like, it was like, he reminded us like three hours later.

I could have been that.

Could have been that.

That's well.

That's well done.

I was into it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Because it starts to merit into the bread.

Yeah.

You don't want it to be the bread to be completely too soggy.

No.

But you want it to be a little.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get you on there.

But you're a fridge guy.

I am kind of a fridge guy.

Yeah.

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So much porn in this era.

So much porn.

Like laptop.

Are you not getting it on the TV?

No, no.

I mean, a few times.

Sure.

But laptop just everywhere.

Laptop over the internet or laptop downloaded?

No, laptop internet.

Yeah, internet.

Yeah.

I guess at one point, I probably had a few saved things,

but I was more into like the perusing.

Searching.

Searching, yeah, yeah.

I mean, the only time I was not in a relationship

was pretty early on.

Like the only time I ever like scored was like 2000.

Was that the three?

Three or four.

Okay.

When I went down to Orange County.

I mean, I'm a, I'm still like a pretty new comment.

Yeah.

And I totally like there was a girl.

I was going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

that baby girl.

It was in a bar show.

There was a girl waiting at a small girl out of a bar show.

And then she was sitting at the bar,

didn't know that the,

the show was like inside,

and I was like,

you coming in here and she was like er,

for what?

I was like stand-up and she was like,

no, I was like you should like.

I'm pretty awesome.

I was like,

I'm really good.

And she was like,

a,

okay.

And then she came in and we just,

No, outside, okay.

And then I was like, do you have a room?

And she was like, no, I get her to get a room

at on the beach.

It's like $500 or something, which was crazy.

You were just going back, you were just,

I was gonna drive back to LA.

Right, of course.

And then I'm like, I'm like, it's crazy.

And she's like, yeah, okay, she puts her card down,

she gets a room.

We start just like making out.

And then eventually there's a knock on the door.

And it's her friend.

I guess she had told her friend like,

she's kept kind of up in like 518.

I'm in this room, I got a room.

I'm with a guy and her friend was like, huh?

So her friend showed up and was like, like, what's going on?

And we were like, I was like, nothing, what are you doing here?

And then she's like, she, you know,

you start trying to make out with her.

But the friend was like, was like, looking at me like,

who are you?

Yeah.

And like, why is my friend agreeing to this?

And then the girl that I had met was like, he's a comedian.

She was like, that's great.

Like, that's, that's, that's even works for you.

Oh, yeah, so much work.

She was like, cool.

She basically was like, let me save my friend.

And I was like, all right, well, it's great to meet you.

That's it?

Oh, yeah, nothing happened because the friend,

the friend showed up to like, basically, that's a,

that's a vibe.

Could you ask if you could stay in the room for the night?

I think that she had texted her friend,

like, I met someone and just so you know,

I met this hotel.

And then her friend was like, what the fuck?

What the fuck, yeah.

Yeah.

Damn.

Well, that was, that was my only, like, road thing.

I was in a relationship, like the next year.

I never, I never was like on the road.

Like, like out there, like, did the guy with the act

to be like, what's up?

No.

Never, never.

Are you hanging out with the stair?

Are you going out and drinking with the staff or anything?

You know, a little bit in the, in those days when you're,

because this thing is like, you don't realize how lonely you are

and how depressed you can get.

Like, you don't really, you don't,

I don't think you have like a four hours awareness of it.

But like, yeah, if you would ask me, I'd be like,

I'm having a great time.

Great to have you.

Yeah.

It's cool.

I got a tuna hokey on the radio.

You're back here.

I was just, I mean, there's things,

or if you look at the amount of porn,

the weight that I gained in a year,

probably like the first.

And the lack of any socialization.

Yeah.

This is a formula for good, good living, man.

It's left first year, probably in 25 pounds on the road,

which I was like, I don't know why these pants are tight.

I don't get it.

Like I just was not putting it together.

The drinking, I never was like a big,

I mean, I definitely got drunk as fuck a few times.

Most of that would have been like Saturday night,

like the weekends ending.

And yeah, the staff is like, come drink with us.

So I did that in a few places where I ended up waking up

and be like, what the fuck, you know?

But I, that was the early days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was not as like a funny thing.

Are you eating at the big thing for us for a while

was like, we'll go to the show.

And then it's like, where can we go?

Can I buy you?

Like Google in like late night burger.

Oh yeah.

And you just go, just go fucking roll.

And what was your green room move?

My, so my case, these chicken fingers?

Yeah, my god, whatever you've got.

I mean, I remember, I remember playing Hartford

and they'd be like, if you're a feature,

you can order from this side of the menu.

It's crazy.

And if you're a headline, and I was like, really?

I just flew across the country.

I can't get the nachos.

And they're like, nah, yeah.

But I end up eating, of course, so much in green rooms.

Stakes, burgers, fries.

Sometimes I would do the chicken

or the the mits mozzarella sticks,

but not all the time.

Those just didn't feel like they voted well

for performing.

Yeah, literally.

You know?

Those, those you'd be like, the marinara's coming up.

Not really performance fuel, huh?

Not performance fuel, but my thing on the road,

and I still love it to this day,

was finding late night breakfast places.

That was what I wanted.

I wanted a diner.

So every time I was in a city, I'd be like,

where can we get 24 hour diner?

Where can we get 24 hour diner?

And I want to go like after the show.

I also want to know that I'm going to go to sleep

around 3, 30 a.m., that's when I would go to sleep.

And I'm going to wake up at noon or one noon.

So I want a place that serves breakfast at that time

after I goon, I want to eat.

And you go back to the same place.

If that's real, yes, if that's breakfast.

A lot of breakfast, dude.

What was the three eight?

What was the after show order?

You doing like an omelette or you doing it?

And who are you with?

You solo?

No, I'd be like with with the other comment.

Okay.

Whoever you're paired, that was when you were paired up.

There was no such thing as being brought along.

You were not brought along.

It was paired up.

I was paired up with some fucking lunatex, dude.

But my go-to breakfast thing is I would get like based,

like poached eggs, basically.

Yeah.

And then I would get the crispy hash browns.

I would break those eggs over the hash browns.

I like that.

That was like my move.

Really?

And then crispy bacon, a biscuit if they had that.

And then that would be like,

Hey, man, that's, I walked today.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm so fat in my head.

I was like, that's not that bad.

I'm very Asian of you.

Crack in the egg over top.

I'm fat.

Yeah.

The yolk soaks on the hash browns.

It's a goota.

Bro, this is a goota.

That's the move for me.

Yeah.

I love that.

Yeah, so I was eating like such a fat.

You're doing, you're doing sodas at that point?

Yeah.

Just like full heavy bite coaks.

I mean, I'm, I'm pretty mostly diet coke, yeah.

Which gentleman.

Yeah, I'm a gentleman.

How are we with the packing,

with the underwear, with the showering situation?

Are we ever walking around a little, little, little funky?

There's also no world for you on pack your clothes

and put them in the, you're living out.

Fuck no, okay.

No, I'm out of the suitcase and the bag for sure.

You still do that out of the suitcase.

Well, a lot of times I have to be,

the only time I unpack my stuff

is if I know I'm going to be somewhere

for an extended period.

At least a week, at least, yeah.

Gentleman's move.

Yeah, I mean, most of the time, leave it in the suitcase

and just live out of that, especially like

on tour now where you're somewhere for 24 hours.

Is that what you kidding me?

Yeah, I just, so to answer your question,

I mean, I feel like there's probably some days

where I should have showered again.

And I, in the, in the run of this,

there's some, you know,

to let some things go.

You let some things go.

Yeah, sure.

That's a good way to put underwear.

I feel like I got the lesson early on

that you always pack more underwear

than there are days of your trip.

Double it, right?

So like four day trip, yeah.

Six, seven, eight underwear.

I shoot under one day under one less one day under.

Yeah, lives on the edge.

My dad was a real savage.

I didn't realize it until like later in life

where I was, I was like, how I see that?

I'm like, how old are these?

He's like, they're still good.

I'm like, there's holes.

Oh, yeah.

It's discolored.

He's like, well, you know, if you,

if you see a little something, you just flip it inside out.

You wear the other side.

I was like, wow.

He's like, you just see a little sunset in your underwear.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Three real crazy.

I've done that very recently.

Yeah.

I mean, you know what I mean?

And I've seen, I've, I saw on him, like, real brown shots.

And I'm like, hey.

That's you shit, your pants.

Yeah, I'm like, that's, that's real bad.

And he goes, it's just a little bit of shit.

Like that was it.

It's just a little bit of shit.

I don't wear underwear a lot when I wear jeans.

And I've, I've seen that on the back of my jeans.

That's crazy, yeah.

That's crazy.

You know that I shit my pants on season two about thoughts.

Nice.

And I didn't know what this is crazy.

Okay.

So I'm wearing, I don't want to give away the character.

Okay.

But I'm wearing a, I'm in it.

But he wasn't supposed to shit his pants.

No.

And I have multiple layers on.

Let's just say that.

So I have like my underwear, like a bodysuit thing,

another harness pants.

So you don't know like it's, it's a lot going on.

A lot of thick padding.

A lot of padding.

I also have like crazy glove things,

like there's, everything's uncomfortable.

So this particular day on production,

like I'm tired as fuck.

You work in, you know, 14, 16 hour days, five days a week.

I'm just, to keep going, I'm like,

I don't do this in my regular life.

But in production, I'm like, yeah, give me,

give me like something to go.

So I took Adderall.

No shit.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm not used to it.

So I took a low dose, but I'm like, all right,

well, this one day, what we're doing is like,

I'll do drugs for work.

Yeah.

I'm like, I take the Adderall in the morning.

In the afternoon, somebody comes up to me

and they go, hey, here's a different thing.

It's, it's not, it's, it's also like a stimulant.

It's not Adderall.

But it's like, it's a little milder,

but the way it works is different.

And I go, okay.

So I take it.

Five ends?

It's not five ends.

Because that was my favorite.

And I know what those are.

Okay.

But the person that got Michael Jackson.

That's what happened to Michael Jackson.

And I'm like, man, and like almost immediately,

I'm like, I can feel, it's not that I feel it in my head.

I feel my stomach is like gurgling.

And then I, I tell that person, I'm like, man,

my stomach and they're like, did you just take that?

And I go, yeah, you just gave it to me.

And they're like, oh, you shouldn't take it

if you've already taken the other one.

I was like, man, they're like, yes,

a set that you just take those separately.

I'm like, great.

Cheap.

Well, I'd give it.

Thanks.

So I take it.

And now I'm in a house shooting this thing.

And I'm like, man, my stomach is real.

All costumed up.

All costumed up.

I'm like, my stomach's really.

And I go, I need to fart.

Like I could feel like gas bubbles in my stomach.

So at one point, we have a little new setup.

It's like, you have like 10 minutes.

I just go outside.

I'm standing on a street.

And I rip a mass of fart.

And I'm like, that's fucking.

It's gnarly.

That's gnarly.

If you can smell it through all those layers, that's why.

I don't smell it.

It's just on a hot mic.

You feel it.

I feel it.

I feel it.

And I do, I have to be on.

I do go, huh?

Did something come out?

Did something come out?

You're a smart guy.

You know what I mean?

You're not an idiot.

Yeah, I'm like, did something come out of there?

Yeah, there's nothing worse.

One of those.

And then I start the echo.

It's going to take me forever to find out,

like, to get all this stuff off.

And we have another setup.

I go, I didn't.

That was just like a lot of gaps.

And about 10 people are going to have to be involved in that.

And I'll be asking questions over why?

What's going on?

It's got to make a call.

So I just work the rest of the day, dude.

That, that fart's probably at like the rest of the day.

The rest of the day.

Just all jacked up on the Z-vans.

Yeah, I'm just like, I'm, I'm going.

And there is no smell.

No one's smell.

I don't smell any.

No one says anything.

I have no question about a star of the show

that I'm going to go, hey, Tom, did you smell it?

What I mean, dude, I would be like, I know something's up.

So they're all 20 feet away from you.

So I forget about that fart.

And I don't have a sensation.

At the end of the day, I go back to the trailer.

And costume starts, the part where it starts helping me

change because I have to get the stuff off my hands.

And they help get the pants and the body suit.

Still, nothing, nothing.

And then I go, I'm going to change into my comfort clothes

for like hair and makeup.

And then, you know, go home after I change again.

So I take everything off, I put on my underwear.

You still don't know it this time?

I still don't know.

Did someone else tell you you shake your pants?

No.

I put on my underwear.

I put on the comfort sweats.

I go to the makeup trailer.

They take up all the makeup.

I come back.

I take off the comfort sweats.

Put on my pants, my shirt, and go home.

I go all the way home.

It's like a 45 minute drive.

I get home.

And a lot of days on set, you're like, you get home.

Let's say if it's a hot day, you're like,

I'm getting right in the shower.

Sure.

On this particular day, I'm like, man, I'm not,

I'm not like sweaty.

I'm exhausted.

I'm just going to get in bed, dude.

Just not get back.

There's something hurt would do.

Yeah.

I take off my stuff.

I'm just in my boxers now.

And as I get in the bed, I get in,

I get in sideways.

Like I crawl into my side and I take,

because I'm so tired, I'm like, I just want to,

and I take the sheet up like this.

And as I pull the sheet up,

like the air comes up and I go, oh my God.

Haha.

Is there a homeless man in here?

And I jump out of bed.

I jump and I go, I don't even like check.

I just freeze and I go, that's the fart.

That's the fart from my shirt, my pants.

And I'm in, I'm like, no.

So I, I don't, how many hours?

I mean, for 18 hours away from the initial fart, right?

No, but we're probably more than five.

Yeah, more than five hours.

That's crazy.

Yeah, we're probably like seven or eight hours.

That's fucking insane.

I just walk straight into the bathroom, right?

I just, I walk straight into the bathroom.

I sit down and I'm like, all right,

let's put some toilet paper back here

and see what's back there.

Five hours.

So this was a zombie virus.

It would be spreading around.

I take the paper and I go like this.

It's just a wall of shit.

It's so much shit, dude.

It's just so much shit.

And it's just been sitting there for like eight hours.

Is it harding?

It's, it's, it's dryer.

It's dry, it's dry.

It's like dry shit.

And I'm like, holy shit.

And I take, I mean, obviously like,

I just want to get like the cake that off of me,

like the icing.

And I just, I throw, you know, I wipe clean

and then I go, well, obviously straight in the shower.

And then I go, did, did they know?

Like did, did, did the costume department know?

So I'm sweating it all weekend.

All weekend, I'm like, I'm mortified that I was like,

that they thought I was like, here's some shit.

And I just like, they're throwing my pants on and dealing with this.

You fucking clean it up.

Where's my Ferrari?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

So I see the costume people.

And I'm like, they go, what, I go, did I?

And they're like, what?

And I'm like, did I, did you see this shit?

And they're like, what's shit?

And I go, Friday.

They keep you from losing your mind.

And then, and the lady's like, what are you talking about?

I go, and I just tell the story.

I go, I shit my pants.

And I didn't even know until I got home.

And all weekend, I've been thinking that you had to deal with like

shit-filled clothes and that I just walked away.

And she was like, no, she goes, I promise you.

I was like, oh my god, I'm just so relieved that that didn't happen.

Fast forward a few weeks later, we're wrapping the show

and a different person in the costume department.

She says something to me like she goes, you know something?

You always smell amazing.

And I go, what?

She goes, you always smell amazing.

We were just saying that you, like, I don't know if it's like

Cologne or you smell great.

And I jokingly go, well, except for the day I shit myself.

And she goes like that.

And I go, wait, whoa.

So you do know?

And she was like, well, yeah.

And I go, well, how much shit was there?

She goes, just a little bit.

And I go, where was it?

I'm going to dial off.

This is the, she goes horrible.

It was in your comfort sweats.

So when I, it wasn't in my concert,

I transferred weird comforts when I sat in the makeup trailer.

Squishing it in.

Squishing it in.

And here's the thing, the one didn't know.

She goes, I went in there and picked it up.

And I saw, she jumped on the gun and it didn't say anything.

She goes, I have to fuck myself a little bit of shit.

And I put it in a bag.

But when you, when you dig it out of your comfort sweats,

the makeup, you just left it on the floor in your trailer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fold that up.

Really?

You put that aside, something?

I mean, I just, I just dropped it.

I just dropped it.

I didn't, I wasn't thinking.

So it was dropped like, is it if you stepped out of it?

Yeah, probably as if I stepped out of it.

So if you, you would be able to see the, the streak.

If I had looked, I didn't look.

I just literally took the moment.

But if you're walking in to pick it up,

oh, you should be.

Well, she said she goes, it was just like a little bit.

I think she's lying.

No, because, because I had my boxers on.

So what makes sense that a little bit had been in there.

I sat down and then the shit was just like a little bit

in those sweats.

But man, I've never sat with shit in between my ass

for eight hours before.

That's fucking, that's just giving me cold sweat.

It was really homeless feeling, you know?

Sure.

It's even scarier that you didn't know.

I didn't know, man.

Or I think the truth is that I kind of knew.

And I just was like, that's not real.

Wow.

You know, so we are so the opposite.

I have no ability, I like it.

I don't trust the effort ever.

You don't trust.

I'm, I think I've shit myself four times.

Oh, that one would have been different though.

You know what I mean when you're like,

oh, like when you're like, the thing about this mystery fart

was that the fact that I, I didn't have liquid shit.

I took like a real shit.

Yeah, shit.

I actually, you shit, it wasn't like an accident.

I've farted a little bit of like a log of shit out.

And then it was like, well, that's fine.

Yeah.

Man, is that trashy?

Yeah.

That's pretty trashy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good to know there, no matter, you know,

what you got going on now.

You'll still shit yourself.

You got that.

I still shit myself.

And TV show, not your TV show.

Yeah.

The person that you were in the early 2000s, you still are.

I really am.

You are trash.

I mean, the only thing that I was thinking of,

you know, the craziest thing that I think about

from those, those early touring days,

honestly, one of them is just how lethargic I was.

Like, the fact that I was normal acts would like really

go to bed most of the time after 3am.

And most of the time, wake up at least at noon.

And you're like, and I would wake up like, you know, like,

God, like I just need to fucking eat something.

And we just go to like, it's a cycle.

Yeah, that's like the last thing you do

before you go to bed is eat.

And then you sleep for eight hours.

And you wake up and you go, I got to get some.

I mean, it's like that's when I'm at my worst.

And then I would just like, go outside just for some air.

And then dude, one time I was thinking about like how

they used to pair you up with people.

I got paired up one time as a feature or a headliner.

I'm a headliner.

Sure.

But I'm an early headliner.

One time I get paired up with my feature act is 600 pounds,

six bills.

And the one of the first, like I see him, obviously,

you see someone you're like, good eating this weekend.

Yeah.

And he walks in.

He's like, is there one bathroom here?

Oh, and I go, yeah, he goes, great.

And then he just kind of walks in his room, shuts the door.

And I was like, let's be a cool weekend.

He would shit, and it would come through the walls.

The scent would come through the walls.

So what kind of life would you live in when you're like,

I was first place you get somewhere and go, how many bathrooms

and how many guys is going to begin this show?

How many we got?

And then I remember one time I was like, I was like,

Hey, man, can we get something to eat?

I'm like, this should be a yes, right?

He's like, yeah, I was like, all right,

for him to go from bed to just get up

and like for us to walk out 45 minutes.

Yeah, right.

Was he funny?

Yeah, he was funny.

Yeah.

And then we went out to eat.

This is always the power of the month.

I always think about like how we can all be delusional.

We sat down, we're eating somewhere.

He goes, you've seen John Pannette lately?

Guys getting big, he's got to watch it.

I was like, I got, yeah, he goes,

God, I'm fucking watch it, man.

I think about John Pannette, that's probably like 415.

Yeah, I was like, all into 12 egg omelette, western.

Yeah, yeah, dude, it was crazy.

Another time I got paired up with a guy

who was a legit hardcore alcoholic,

who was like just down him.

I mean, just downing these fucking,

I think it was Roman Cokes.

Just, I mean, it would start, it was during the day.

During the day.

That's crazy.

Yeah, we'd be like at the condo.

Maybe like, he was knocking him back.

And we get back one night from,

it was a two show night, so we'd be a Friday or Saturday.

It was late.

And I'm sitting here looking at the TV

and he's over there.

And we're watching some bullshit, like cops or something,

like just watching it.

And he's like, it's such a rough show.

It's cops or something, dude, it's tough.

Watch this guy get his head cracked, dude.

And then he's like, you seen that Paris Hilton video?

And I'm like, what?

He's like, that Paris Hilton video, you seen that video?

I'm like, her sex tape?

He's like, yeah, I'm like, yes, yeah.

It was like old at that point, even.

I go, yeah, he goes, that guy's got a nice cock on him, huh?

And I go, what?

That was your takeaway from the film?

He goes, I'm saying.

I bet that I got in mind that getting out there, you know?

And then I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, I wouldn't mind.

And I was like, oh, shit, I'm fucked, dude.

And then he's just like, I'm open to anything, you know?

And I was like, that's awesome.

And we're just sitting there and he just keeps.

I'm open to anything.

Insinuating myself, dude, I'm sorry.

He's like, I'll fuck guys, I'll fuck girl.

This is how to know, this is after we had done like,

shows and lunches together about whatever.

And I'm like, cool.

And he's hammered.

He's hammered.

And I'm like, so I go, in my head, I go,

don't overreact right now.

Like, don't react big and don't get up right now.

Just like, wait, wait.

Sit in it.

Just sit.