Uncle David's Nonsensical Story About Giants and Fairies

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Four David's nonsensical story about giants and fairies.

In the days of y'all, children were not all such clever, good sensible people as they

are now.

Lessons were then considered rather a plague, sugar plums were still in demand, holidays

continued, yet in fashion, and toys were not then made to teach mathematics nor storybooks

to give instruction in chemistry and navigation.

These were very strange times, and there existed at that period a very idle, greedy, naughty

boy, such as we'd never hear of in the present day.

His father and mother were, no matter who, and he lived, no matter where.

His name was Master No Book, and he seemed to think his eyes were made for nothing but

to stare out of the windows, and his mouth for no other purpose but to eat.

This young gentleman hated lessons like mustard, both of which brought tears into his eyes,

and during school hours he sat gazing at his books, pretending to be busy, while his

mind wandered away to wish impatiently for dinner, and to consider where he could get

the nicest pies, pastry, ices, and jellies, while his smacked his lips at the very thoughts

of them.

Whenever Master No Book spoke, it was always to ask for something, and you might continually

hear him say in a whining tone of voice, father, may I take this piece of cake?

Unserrow, will you give me an apple?

Mother do send me the whole of that plum pudding?

Indeed, very frequently, when he did not get permission to gomen dies, this naughty glutton

helped himself without leave.

Even his dreams were like his waking hours, for he had often a horrible nightmare about lessons,

thinking he was smothered with Greek lexicans, or pelted out of the school, with a shower

of English grammars, or one night he fancied himself sitting down to devour an enormous

plum cake, and all on a sudden it became transformed into a Latin dictionary.

One afternoon, Master No Book, having played true and tall day from school, was lolling

on his mother's best sofa in the drawing room, with his leather boots tucked up on the

satin cushions, and nothing to do but suck a few oranges, and nothing to think of but

how much sugar to put upon them, when suddenly an event took place which filled him with

astonishment.

A sound of soft music stolen to the room, becoming louder and louder the longer he listened, till

at length, in a few moments afterwards, a large hole burst opening the wall of his room,

and there stepped into his presence two magnificent fairies just arrived from their castles in

the air, to pay him a visit.

They had travelled all the way on purpose to have some conversation with Master No Book,

and immediately introduced themselves in a very ceremonious manner.

The fairy do nothing was gorgeously dressed, with a wreath of flaming gas round her head,

a robe of gold tissue, a necklace of rubies, and a bouquet in her hand of glittering diamonds.

Her cheeks were rouge to the very eyes, her teeth were setting gold, and her hair was

of a most brilliant purple.

In short, so fine and fashionable looking a fairy never was seen in a drawing room before.

The fairy teacher, who followed next, was simply dressed in white muslin, with bunches

of natural flowers in her light brown hair, and she carried in her hand a few neat small

volumes, which Master No Book looked at with a shutter of her version.

The two fairies now informed him that they very often invited large parties of children

to spend some time at their palaces, but as they lived in quite an opposite direction,

it was necessary for the young guests to choose which it would be best to visit first.

Therefore, they had now come to inquire of Master No Book, whom he thought it would be

most agreeable to accompany on the present occasion.

In my house, said the fairy teacher, speaking with a very sweet smile and a soft pleasing voice,

who shall be taught to find pleasure in every sort of exertion, for I delight in activity

in diligence.

My young friends rise at seven every morning and amuse themselves with working a beautiful

garden of flowers, wearing whatever fruit they wish to eat, visiting among the poor,

associating pleasantly together, studying the arts and sciences, and learning to know

the world in which they live, and to fulfil all the purposes for which they have been brought

into it.

In short, all our amusements tend to some useful object, either for our own improvement or

for good of others, and you will grow wiser, better, and happier every day you remain in

the palace of knowledge.

But in castle needless where I live, interrupted the fairy do nothing, rudely pushing her companion

aside with an angry contemptuous look, we never think of exerting ourselves for anything.

You may put your head in your pocket and your hands in your sights as long as you choose

to stay, no one is ever asked a question that he may be spared the trouble of answering.

We lead the most fashionable life imaginable for nobody's leads to anybody.

Each of my visitors is quite an exclusive, and sits with his back to as many of the company

as possible, in the most comfortable armchair that can be contrived.

There, if you are only so good as to take the trouble of wishing for anything, it is yours

without even turning an eye round to look where it comes from.

Dresses are provided of the most magnificent kind, which go on themselves without you having

the smallest annoyance with either buttons or strings.

Games which you can play without an effort of thought, and dishes dressed by a French cook

smoking hot under your nose from morning till night.

While any rain we have is either made of lemonade or lavender water, and in winter it generally

snows iced punch for an hour during the forenoon.

Nobody need to be told which fairy master noble preferred, and quite charm that his own

good fortune in receiving so agreeable and invitation.

He eagerly gave his hand to the splendid new acquaintance who promised him so much pleasure

and ease, and gladly proceeded in a carriage lined with velvet, stuffed with downy pillows,

and drawn by milk-white swans to that magnificent residence, Castle Needless, which was lighted

by a thousand windows during the day, and by a million of lamps every night.

Here master noble enjoyed a constant holiday and a constant feast, while a beautiful lady

covered with jewels was ready to tell him stories from morning till night, and servants waited

to pick up his playthings if they fell, or to draw out his purse or his pocket-hanker

chief when he wished to use them.

This master noble played dozing for hours and days on rich embroidered cushions, never

stirring from his place, but admiring the view of trees covered with the richest burnt

almonds, grottoes of sugarcandy, a jet-dough champagne, a wide sea which tasted of sugar

instead of salt, and a bright clear pond filled with goldfish that let themselves be caught

whenever he pleased.

Nothing could be more complete, and yet very strange to say,

Master no book did not seem particularly happy.

This appears exceedingly unreasonable when so much trouble was taken to please him, but

the truth is that every day he became more fretful and pee-vish.

No sweet meets were worth the trouble of eating, nothing was pleasant to play at, and in

the end he wished it were possible to sleep all day, as well as all night.

After a hundred miles from the fairy-do-nothings palace, they lived a most cruel monster, called

the giant snapper-mup, who looked when he stood up like a tall steeple of a great church,

raising his head so high that he could peep over the loftiest mountains, and was obliged

to climb up a ladder to comb his own hair.

Every morning regularly this prodigiously great giant walked round the world before breakfasts

for an appetite, after which he made tea in a large lake, used the sea as a slop basin

and boiled his kettle on Mounts Bersuvius.

He lived in great style, and his dinners were most magnificent, consisting very often of

an elephant roasted whole, ostrich patties, a tiger smothered in onions, stewed lions,

and wailed soup.

But for a side dish his greatest favorite consisted of little boys, as fat as possible,

fried in crumbs of bread, with plenty of pepper and salt.

No children were so well fed or in such good condition for eating, as those in the fairy-do-nothings

garden, who was a very particular friend of the giant snapper-mups, and who sometimes

laughingly said she would give him a license and call her own garden his preserve, because

she always allowed him to help himself whenever he pleased, to as many of her visitors as

he chose, without taking the trouble to even count them.

And in return for such extreme civility, the giant very frequently invited her to dinner.

Snapper-mups' favourite sport was to see how many brace of little boys he could back in

a morning, so, in passing along the streets, he peeped into all the drawing-rooms, without

having occasion to get upon tiktok, and picked up every young gentleman who was idly looking

out of the windows, and even a few occasionally who were playing truer from school.

But busy children seemed always somehow quite out of his reach.

One day, when Master No book felt even more lazy, more idle and more miserable than ever,

he lay beside a perfect mountain of toys and cakes, wondering what to wish for next and

hating the very sight of everything and every body.

At last he gave so loud a yawn of weariness and disgust that his jaw very nearly fell

out of joint, and then he sighed so deeply that the giant Snapper-mup heard the sound

as he passed along the road after breakfast, and instantly stepped into the garden with

his glass at his eye to see what was the matter.

Immediately, on observing a large fat, overgrown boy, as round as a dumpling, lying on a bed

of roses, he gave a cry of delight, followed by a gigantic peel of laughter which was heard

three miles off, and picking up Master No book between his finger and thumb, with a pinch

that very nearly broke his ribs.

He carried him rapidly towards his own castle, while the fairy-do-nothing laughfully shook

her head as he passed, saying, that little man does migrate the credit.

He has only been fed for a week and is as fat already as a prize-ox.

What a dainty morsel he will be!

When do you dine today in case I should have time to look in upon you?

On reaching home the giant immediately hung up Master No book by the hair of his head,

on a prodigious hook in the ladder, having first taken some large lumps of nasty suet,

forcing them down his throat to make him become still fatter, and then stirring the fire

that he might be almost melted with heat, to make his liver grow larger.

On a shelf quite near, Master No book perceived the bodies of six other boys, whom he remembered

to have seen fattening in the fairy-do-nothing's garden.

While he recollected how some of them had rejoiced at the thought of leading a long, useless

idle life, with no one to please but themselves.

The enormous cook now seized hold of Master No book, brandishing her knife with an aspect

of horrible determination, intending to kill him.

While he took the trouble of screaming and kicking in the most desperate manner, when

the giant turned gravely round and said that as pigs were considered as much greater dainty

when whipped to death than killed in any other way, he meant to see whether children might

not be improved by it also.

Therefore, she might leave the great hog of a boy till he had time to try the experiment,

especially as his own appetite would be improved by the exercise.

This was a dreadful prospect for the unhappy prisoner, but meantime it prolonged his life

for a few hours, as he was immediately hung up in the ladder and left to himself.

There, in torture of mind and body, like a fish upon a hook, the wretched boy began at

last to reflect seriously upon his former ways, and to consider what a happy home he might

have had if he could only have been satisfied with business and pleasure, succeeding each

other, like day and night.

While lessons might have come in as a pleasant source to his play hours, and his play hours

as a source to his lessons.

In the midst of many reflections which were all very sensible though rather too late, Master

Noble's attention became attracted by the sound of many voices laughing, talking and singing,

which caused him to turn his eyes in a new direction.

When, for the first time, he observed that the fairy-tie chores garden lay upon a beautiful

sloping bank not far off.

There, a crowd of merry, noisy, rosy, cheek-boys were busily employed and seemed happier than

the day was long.

While poor Master Noble watched them during his own miserable hours envying the enjoyment,

with which they've raped the flower-border scat of the fruits, carabasks of vegetables

to the poor, worked with carpenter's tools, drew pictures, shot with bows and arrows, played

at cricket, and then sat in the sunny arbor's learning their tasks, or talking agreeably

together.

Till at length, a dinner bell having been wrung, the whole party sat merrily down with

hearty appetites and cheerful good humour, to an entertainment of plain roast meat and

pudding, where the fairy-teacher presided herself and helped her guess moderately to as much

as was good for each.

Large tears rolled down the cheeks of Master Noble while watching this scene, and remembering

that if he had known what was best for him, he might have been as happy as the happiest

of these excellent boys, instead of suffering on William weariness as he had done at the

fairy-do-not-things, ending in a miserable death.

But his attention was soon after most alarmingly roused by hearing the giant snap him up again

in conversation with his cook, who said that if he wished for a good-lunch dish of

scallop children at dinner, it would be necessary to catch a few more, as those he had already

provided was scarcely be amoutfall.

As the giant kept a very fashionable hours and always waited dinner for himself till

nine o'clock, there was still plenty of time, so with a loud rumble about the trouble,

he seized the large basket in his hand and set off at a rapid pace towards the fairy-teacher's

garden.

It was very seldom that snap him up venture to think of foraging in this direction, as

he never once succeeded in carrying off a single captive from the enclosure.

It was so well fortified and so bravely defended.

But on this occasion, being desperately hungry, he felt as bold as a lion and walked with

outstretched hands straight towards the fairy-teacher's dinner table, taking such prodigious strides

that he seemed almost as if he would trample on himself.

A cry of consternation arose the instant this tremendous giant appeared, and as usual

on such occasions, when he had made the same attempt before, a dreadful battle took place.

Fifty active little boys bravely flew upon the enemy, armed with their dinner knives,

and looked like a nest of hornets, stinging him in every direction till he roared with

pain and would have run away.

But the fairy-teacher's, seeing his intention, rushed forward with the carving knife and

branching it high over her head, she most courageously stabbed him to the heart.

If a great mountain had fallen to the earth, it would have seemed like nothing, in comparison

with the giant snap-mup, who crashed two or three houses to powder beneath him, and

upset several fine monuments that were to have made people remembered forever.

But all this would have seemed scarcely worth mentioning, had it not been for a still

greater event which occurred on the occasion, no less than the death of the fairy-do-nothing,

who had been indolently looking on at this great battle, without taking the trouble

to interfere, or even to care who was victorious.

But being also lazy about running away, when the giant fell, his sword came with so violent

a stroke on her head that she instantly expired.

Thus, luckily for the whole world, the fairy-teacher got possession of immense property, which

he proceeded without delay to make the best use of in her power.

In the first place, however, she lost no time in liberating Master Noble from his hook

in the ladder, and gave him a lecture on activity, moderation and good conduct, which he never

afterwards forgot.

And it was astonishing to see the change that took place immediately in his whole thoughts

and actions.

From this very hour, Master Noble became the most diligent, active, happy boy in the

fairy-teacher's garden, and on returning home a month afterwards, he astonished all the

masters at school by his extraordinary reformation.

The most difficult lessons were a pleasure to him.

His scarcely ever stirred without a book in his hand, never lay on a sofa again, with

scarcely even sitting on a chair with a back to it, but preferred a three-legged

stool, detested holidays, never thought any exertion or trouble, preferred climbing

over the top of a hill to creeping around the bottom, always ate the plainest food in

very small quantities, joined a temperate society and never tasted a morsel till he had

worked very hard and got an appetite.

Not long after this an old uncle who had formerly been ashamed of Master Noble's indolence

and gluttony, became so pleased at the wonderful change that on his death he left him a magnificent

estate, desiring that he should take his name.

Therefore, instead of being any longer one of the no-book family, he is now called Satimathy

Blue Stocking, a pattern to the whole country around for the good he does to everyone, and

especially for his extraordinary extraordinary activity, appearing as if he could do twenty

things at once.

Though generally very good-natured and agreeable, Satimathy is occasionally observed in a violent

passion, laying about him with his walking stick in the most terrific manner, and beating

little boys within an inch of their lives.

But on inquiry it invariably appears that he has found them out to be lazy, idle, or

greedy.

For all the industrious boys in the parish are sent to get employment from him, while

he assures them that they are far happier breaking stones on the road than if they were

sitting idly in a drawing room with nothing to do.

End of Uncle David's nonsensical story about Giants and Fairies by Catherine Sinclair.

Reporting by Lynn Thompson.