Valerie Bertinelli On Overcoming Trauma, Letting Go Of Shame, & How To Practice Self-Love

Welcome to the Bostics, starring Lauren Bostick and Michael Bostick, together they are the

Bostics.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to another episode of The Bostics.

Today we have an icon, Valerie Bertinelli, in the studio.

She is a golden globe-winning actress, Emmy-nominated host, New York Times bestselling author and

entrepreneur, whose decades-long career spans television, publishing, food, and lifestyle.

Valerie are making me feel like an underachiever.

She was also married to Eddie Van Halen, which is probably not relevant to this introduction,

but as a Van Halen fan, I just have to say, because it's just super cool for me.

Some of the themes that we discuss in this podcast are the career arc and what it looks like

building a career that lasts, how to pivot, self-acceptance, reinvention, and finding your

true calling, also finding power with age and experience, and making sure you feel empowered

instead of disempowered.

Valerie does an incredible job making you feel that way when you just across from her and

we had an incredible time with her.

With that, Valerie Bertinelli, welcome to The Bostics.

One thing that I respect so much about you is that I feel like you have brought the audience

along your journey with your books.

Every time I read a book, I feel like I know more about you, and then you write another

one, and I get to know you even more, and now we're at the new book that you just wrote,

and I feel like this is, like you said, it's your most vulnerable, your most open.

Is that something that you have done thoughtfully or is it just how it's transpired?

I didn't plan on talking about any of this in my book, and as I was going through some

of the hardest times in my entire life, what's just saying a lot, because I've had a big

life, I realized that I was really stumbling over some emotional traumas that I hadn't

yet healed, and I was letting people take advantage of me that, and tolerating behavior

that I never, ever thought I would, and I really thought that I'd healed from and wouldn't

allow that behavior again.

So I thought I've just got so much more work to do, oh shit, I got more work to do, but

yet it's really exciting to do the work, and I think doing the work on ourselves and

listening to ourselves, and listening to our emotions, because emotions are information

that this is what makes us a full, authentic, vulnerable human being, and our power, like

Renee Brown says, is in our vulnerability, so that's where I want to be.

Now I don't, a lot of people say, I'm authentic, or I'm this vulnerable, and anybody that tells

me that they're vulnerable or authentic, I'm like, are you though, why do you have to

tell me, let me just be around you and see what you're like.

You don't have to tell me who you are, let me experience you.

Yeah, I think you do that really well in your books, I'm big fan, I told you off air.

What's an emotion that you feel that you felt that has been information for you?

If you look at all your emotions that you felt, what has been the information?

Grief, anxiety, sad, just plain sadness, like I got in the shower this morning, and I was

like, why don't I feel sad?

What's happening?

I just could feel the sadness, and I'm in a part of my life that I'm absolutely adoring,

so why am I feeling sad?

Well there's a lot of shit going on, and there's a lot of shit going on in my life that's

good, but it's overwhelming sometimes, and there's a lot of stuff going on politically and

publicly that is really shit, and there's files out there that tell us that there's

a lot of creepy men out there, and nobody's doing anything about it, and it's really disturbing.

It's heavy.

It's so heavy, and anybody that's been through any kind of sexual, assault, abuse is really

getting activated right now, and it's really harmful to see that none of these men because

of the power and because of the money that they have are being held responsible for it,

and it's really disturbing, and I don't know what to do about it, except like scream.

Well I think the also the creepiest thing about all this is for so many years people were

gaslit saying there's nothing there.

Oh, good word.

Yes.

And now it's like, well, there's so obviously so much there.

It's like chalk another win up to the conspiracy there is like they don't look that, they don't

look that crazy.

But also I think it's just the tip of the iceberg too.

I mean, there's got it for sure, we're seeing a little where there's supposedly millions

of files that still haven't been released yet, and some of the files that have been released

are so redacted, and then then they slowly redact names, and then they push out names

so that they take you, I don't, I just could somebody like not corrupt in government help

us out here.

Would you grow up in Hollywood at a very young age?

When did you start your show?

And at a time was, I started at 15, I was 12 when I did my first commercial.

When you look back as an adult and you have, you can see the whole landscape now.

Do you remember moments where there was weird shit on set, or were you never, I was so lucky.

I had Norman Lear guiding me through the toughest times of learning how to navigate through

this business, and I had Bonnie Franklin helping me and inviting me out to New York and

stay with her was when I was just a 15, 16 year old.

In that, I just like, I had this lifetime of just wanting to work in New York, because

Bonnie showed me the best parts of New York and how amazing it was, and I finally get to

work in New York now, so I get to be by coastal, which is really fun for me.

But no, I was really lucky in the business, because I had Norman Lear, I had Bonnie,

I had Pat, I had a lot of people protecting me, I had my family.

So when you have those circumstances, is that you're coming up and you don't even have

an awareness that other things are going on, because in your particular circumstance,

you're safe and protected of the right people, that's what it's like, and then there's

other people that are having, and then there's my dear friend, Bankancy Phillips, who was

going through hell, and she worked her way through it.

Oh my gosh, she's amazing, she has been through so much, she's a phenomenal woman.

And now all this was because you didn't know anything.

I think that's what's also so crazy looking back, because you've had someone like yourself

who has a big career and a good experience, and you're like, I don't have that, and you

have other people that are having the exact opposite experience.

So it almost creates a situation where people are able to kind of, maybe gas station say

that doesn't happen, right?

Right.

I mean, and I kind of get offended when some people write me, oh, you're just like a Hollywood

disser that, and you don't know anything because Hollywood is, Hollywood weird, and I'm like,

it may be, there are a lot of weird people in the business, but there's a lot of weird

people in every business, there's a lot of weird people at, you know, SpaceX, there's

a lot of weird people at Twitter, there's a lot, you know, there, but there's also a lot

of good people.

So it's like, you know, who do you choose to hang around with?

Who do you have the opportunity to, or do you have the strength, or the whereabouts,

or the, to be able to say, nope, my boundary's going up.

This isn't for me.

I mean, because then you have to like, way, I have to make a living, do I have to put

up with something?

I don't know.

And where are your boundaries?

It's, it's really tough navigating any kind of life that we, because we have to work

so that we can put a roof over our heads, because we don't take care of people in America,

but you have to find a job where you also get along with people.

I would hope.

So your job's not miserable.

What was the epiphany for, for this book in particular?

Because it feels like you almost had an epiphany to write this.

I realized that enough already wasn't enough, that I, I, I said the words enough already,

but did I really believe them?

I thought I did at the time.

I always believe everything that I say or think.

But it changed because I had experiences like in, in 2024, it's probably the worst year

of my life.

I had like four surgeries.

I was going through some emotional crap with someone and I, I had no choice but to say,

okay, I'm obviously, I can't change anybody else or their behavior.

I only have a, have control over my behavior.

So what can I do differently so I don't feel like shit all the time?

What is it that's happening?

What is, what do I not have control over?

What do I, what am I allowing in my life that I really shouldn't be?

And what were some of the things that, that you gave more attention to and what were

some of the things that you gave less attention to?

I was letting some people shape who I was because I wasn't firm enough and didn't feel strong

enough in who I really know who I am now to the, to as much as I can today.

I'm sure I'll learn more in the next year and beyond.

But today I've learned so much more.

I am very different than I was two years ago.

And I will not allow behavior in my life that I allowed two years ago and I didn't think

I was allowing it, but I was just trying so hard to please people and trying so hard

to make things okay that I allowed people to walk all over me.

You talked about your parents in the book and how your parents were, especially it seems

like your mom was like sweeping under the rug.

Yeah.

I think a lot of us grew up, I mean different generations, but a lot of us grew up with

that.

Keep everybody happy.

Let's keep everything okay.

I call ostrich in the sand.

Yes.

A lot of that keeping up with the Jones is like, don't show any vulnerability here.

We're not, you know, everything's just fine.

Right.

Everything's fine.

So, but what I found so interesting is about when you said that, you said, when your

parents passed, you started looking at them as human.

And that was a shift for you.

And it almost felt like you like also forgave any inadequacies.

So much.

Absolutely.

What was that journey like?

Interesting.

Because the more, and I could only do this after they passed, which is a little unfortunate

and that's where some grief comes in because I would love to be able to like really hug

my mom and my dad now and say, I get it.

I really get it.

And I would do the same thing with Ed with my son's father because I get it now.

I get what trauma, how it affects the brain, how it affects our emotions, how it affects

our body.

So I was able to dig in and because I know a lot about or as much as I could ever find

out about their lives, I understand that they didn't have the models that they needed

to be the best people that they could be, but had they, I know they would have been.

I know in their hearts, they were really good people and I love them.

It doesn't stop me from being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom.

I'm still angry about it, but I love him.

And I know that if he knew better, he would have done better.

I know near the end of his life, he did do better.

So I, you know, there's that.

I also think too when, maybe if you're, if your parents or any parents have bad qualities

as the child, sometimes you're lucky to be able to observe those bad qualities because

then you can fix it in yourself.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does.

There's things that maybe I had seen or have seen with my parents where I can look at

it and it's almost a lesson for me to be better.

We, we talk about this a lot personally now that we've become parents, which is I think

like the job of the next generation and as you become a parent yourself is like, instead

of blaming the parents, you got to kind of look at the lessons and say, okay, these are

the good qualities that I want to continue and move on and then these are the things that

were maybe not so good because they didn't know that we have a responsibility to kind of

learn from.

Yeah.

I think a lot of times we just as humans default to repeating the patterns and I think you're

absolutely right.

And I think having a child helped me with that too because I totally understand, understood

more about my mother.

But I also don't want to negate what some people go through when they have to go no contact

with their parents.

I totally understand that too and I don't want to negate their feelings and why they're

doing it.

I'm sure it's been a very thoughtful thing because it's hard to do.

Yeah.

No, and I'm, listen, every circumstance is different and there's some behaviors that are

so toxic and terrible that you need to just move yourself.

But I think about even my own mother and she had me when she was maybe 23, 24 and I have

a great relationship with my mom, but I think like I didn't have children until I was

32.

And I was like, imagine at me at 24, I was like, I was underneath a bar somewhere and underneath

my skirt.

Yeah.

And I think, but I think about that a lot of people grow up and they, you know, maybe

they're resentful and of their parents or they're anger and, you know, when I think

about, and it's like, man, it's 20 years of child, you know, like, how are you supposed

to know that?

Yeah.

I mean, you're very thoughtful.

I mean, and I would encourage anybody else to do that and really try to make their parents

into human beings and not these authority figures, which as children, we think they

are.

And I know that just navigating the relationship that I have with my son, he's, he's going

to be 35 and I know that I know without a doubt that he loves me almost unconditionally.

And as, and I definitely love him unconditionally, he could do no wrong in my eyes, but have we

sparred?

Absolutely.

And that's normal.

Has it been angry at me?

Absolutely.

And I get curious, what's going on?

How can I listen to you better?

So we've been able to work through stuff and he's allowed to be angry at me and he's

a, and even better, thank you for telling me and we can move on and, and work through

it.

And by the way, my epiphany didn't come until I had children of my own because then I

started to think in like, wait a minute, I also kind of just figuring some shit out,

right?

Yeah.

And I think as kids, we, we then finally understand that our parents are just trying

to figure it out.

And so I know in which we got a circle back to this, it's hard for me to sit here and

listen to you say, my, from husband Ed, because I don't look at him as, it's weird for

me to hear you call him just Ed, because I look at him as Eddie Van Halen.

But we got just, we'll go, we'll go back to that and put a plan on.

Because that's the way I knew him.

I know.

He was, he was my husband.

He's, was my ex-husband.

He's the father of my child.

So, yeah.

You're hearing it for me.

It's a pretty big flex.

It's a big flex.

Yeah.

When you, when you, it's a big flex.

When you, when you decided or made a decision or whatever it looked like to forgive your

parents, was that a, a big part that contributed to your healing journey that you went through?

Yeah.

I think so.

That's a very good observation.

It was, it was a big part of it.

Because then I realized I, I didn't have to perform all that time to make them happy.

I didn't have to be the good girl.

I didn't have to make sure that everybody was happy so that I could then relax.

And I don't know if I ever relax my entire childhood.

I don't know if I ever relax now either.

Your energy feels relaxed.

I, maybe it is, but I think I'm, I still have this thing where I feel like I'm on high alert.

And maybe that has to do with being in the public eye since I was 12 or 15.

Yeah.

And maybe that has to do with, there's still that people pleasing in me that I don't

want to say anything that might offend somebody because I know we're all different and

we all go about healing or go about our lives in different ways.

And I'm not here to judge anybody.

I'm just trying to offer you what's happened to me and if you can use it.

Have you ever had your brain scanned?

No.

What?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Well, you know, it's so interesting.

I'll tell you why because we have our friend, Dr. Aiman, who does some brain scans and

they scanned our brains and there's, I'm afraid to look at my amygdala.

Yeah, there's like, there's slow brain and fast brain and one's not better than the other.

It's not, it doesn't mean like slow, it's just different, there's, and there's tortoise

and there's hair.

A bit of both.

What you're saying is I have a brain that is like constantly wired to look for what's

around the corner and danger and it makes me anxious at times.

Yes.

And Lauren has the opposite of what they were saying is people that have that kind of wiring

could maybe live longer because you're hyper vigilant and kind of like nervous.

But I must say, I also have the like the blinders on that I just like, I don't want to know

what's happening.

I don't need to know what's happening.

I'm just going to sit here in my chair and read a book and put my-

You sound like a Gemini cat on my line, I know, but I'm a Taurus and a Gemini Scorpio

rising.

Okay.

But that means-

But that means Moon.

So some of the anxiousness because like you have the fast switch brain that's looking

for the thing that you're also kind of not plugged in in there.

I can switch off, yeah.

And I don't have any Gemini in my chart.

Well, a little Taurus, maybe that's close enough, maybe.

When you are a young girl, how does Eddie Van Halen approach you?

Like what's, what's, how does he come up to you?

And I approached him.

You approached him.

Yeah.

And what did that look like?

I imagine he got a few approaches.

Yeah.

And after we married as well.

Well, I had gone to my brothers, took me to a Van Halen concert in Shreveport, Louisiana

in 1980.

Sorry.

Y'all were alive.

And we went there because it was during the actor's strike and my parents lived in Louisiana,

Shreveport.

And Van Halen was playing, so my brother's called me and said, you've got to come out

because if you come out, the radio station said that we can get backstage.

I'm like, OK.

And I'm a Linda Ronsett, Elton John Freak.

So I didn't even know who Van Halen was.

And my brother said, there's an A-track in the back of your car.

I left it.

Just listened to it.

So I did.

And I saw the picture.

And I saw what Ed looked like.

And I went, oh.

He's cute.

I could meet him.

OK.

So we went backstage and I handed each of them a bag of M&Ms.

And because at that time in their writer was to make sure that the writer was read, they

said, we need M&Ms and all the brown ones should be removed.

And that way they know that the writer was read all the way through.

They're the ones that started this?

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

Go ahead.

Oh my god.

Yes.

Van Halen started that because a lot of writers wouldn't get read.

And then some of the rigging might be dangerous because they didn't read all the way through

and exactly how the rigging was supposed to be done.

So or what was supposed to be there.

So do you go up to him or does he go up to him?

I went up to him with a bag of M&Ms and he's so shy.

And he just gave me this gorgeous, impish grin and said, thank you.

And then he went back into his room and you could hear him playing because he had his own

two-up room.

And then I hung out with Al and Mike and we laughed and then I hung out with my brothers

and then we went and saw the show and they put me on the side of the stage and Ed kept

gritting at me through the entire show.

And every time we'd come back to get his guitar tuned, he would, you know, just look

at me.

And then we went back to their hotel, my brothers and I, and hung out with the backyard

pool.

We were in a hotel six somewhere in TREPORT and we just hung out until they had to leave

on the bus.

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Do all of you guys understand how powerful you are in the media at this age, or did you

guys have no context of it, because you guys, that's a powerful group of people.

No.

No idea.

No.

That's crazy.

No.

Well, there wasn't the internet.

There wasn't anything.

I mean, I mean, I was already getting attention because of my show and then Ed was getting attention

because he's so brilliant.

He's probably one of the greatest guitar players of all time in the history of the world.

Yeah.

I mean, he started things that that no guitarists were doing.

He probably has.

I found out about Ed through Valerie.

He probably has.

I got that.

I mean, I knew his name, but like that's how if you were to ask who that is to me, I would

say it's Valerie Burton, Ellie's ex-husband.

When they started watching the future when they study, the greatest guitar solos of all

time.

I guarantee he will have one of the top five.

I agree.

Well, in your books, there seems like you have a really fond, loving energy around him.

Yeah.

It feels like when I was 20.

Yeah.

And he was, he was 25.

We grew up together.

We got married far too young, but I don't know how else we would have done it.

Our lives were insane.

We waited 10 years to have Wolfie.

We went through a lot in those 10 years, basically the 80s, which I don't remember too much

of, between the drugs and the alcohol.

It was fun.

You know what?

I'm not going to lie.

It was a lot of fun.

It was a lot of, yeah.

But I would never, I would not do it again.

I've done it.

I don't need to do it anymore.

I, what was your question?

What is your, the drugs just happened?

No, I see, it seems like you just have a lot of love.

What is it like trying to manage a relationship with your profile?

And his profile at that time in the 80s and stay connected and not just have it go off

the rails.

I imagine that was a lot of love.

Oh, it went off the rails all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, we were both doing drugs.

We were both drinking far too much.

And then I stopped drinking and doing drugs.

So I stopped doing drugs.

I was still drinking.

And he kept doing the drugs.

And I was like, you got to go to rehab and it's just like, who am I to whatever?

But neither one of us dealt with any of our traumas that we were much closer to then.

So and he went through a very traumatic childhood.

So as long as I'm not dealing with those, we're going to use drugs and alcohol.

And for me, it was also food to numb any feelings we just didn't feel like feeling because

we don't want to hear the information because it was too painful.

So now that I know all this, I feel like, and near the end of his life, I could be much

more compassionate because, first of all, I love him dearly.

And this is to not say anything against his second wife or my second husband.

I just love the father of my son that I knew since I was 20.

I knew that we would never be intimate again, even if had he lived.

But he would always be one of my dearest friends because he's just, he was Ed.

He was just a huge part of my life.

I can understand that.

I've known Michael since he was 12 and I can totally, wow, I get it, I get, I totally

get what you're saying.

Because we go back together when we're 12.

So I think when you have a child with someone and you, then you don't have a child with,

whoever, L2 date or you marry, you're never going to have all the first that you have.

There's a connection.

There's just a connection, you can't, you can't, you can't take it away.

No.

It just is what it is.

And I would much rather feel this way about Wolfie's father than I would hating him.

I know and how lucky is Wolfie that he has you to give fond memories.

Hopefully.

I mean, we've gone through some tough spots, a lot of tough.

The three of us went to therapy together for at least a year.

So Wolfie could get heard and this was like a little bit after our divorce.

And I think it was helpful.

I hope.

I mean, it sounds helpful.

Yeah.

You also have opened up about your weight loss journeys.

And in this book, you said you don't, and I'll let you say you don't lose weight anymore.

Release it.

You release it.

Right.

Why?

I'm not here.

I feel like I did a lot of damage by being the spokesperson for a company that sold weight

loss.

And I think it's a billion dollar industry that is dangerous.

Because I think everybody's individual journey is much more important to talk about.

I think, unless and until you deal with the emotions that are helping you to use alcohol

or drugs or food as a process to avoid feelings and numb your feelings, you're not going

to get to the real heart of why you're gaining weight or why you're using food to just not

feel your feelings.

And so I'm not here to tell anybody how to lose weight.

I know that as soon as I started really dealing with the trauma in my life, that the

weight would release because I wanted to, I wanted to be better to myself.

I wanted to feed myself better.

I wanted to, we all know what foods are good for us and how they're going to help us

in the diet.

But I don't want to be obsessed with that anymore because I'm probably the biggest I've been,

I don't know, I was, how much, I don't even know how much I actually weigh, but I was

at least 20 pounds smaller when I was the spokesperson for a weight loss company.

I actually appreciate my body now than I, more than I did then because it was too hard

to stay there.

That was, that was just me, you know, white knuckling it so that I could be a good spokesperson

for a diet company and I, I'm not going to white knuckle it anymore.

I'm going to go up and down and wait.

I have a, you know, I have a couple of different sizes of jeans in my closet and I'm not embarrassed

by it.

You posted a selfie that you said people went like wild.

Probably my underwear looked like a bikini.

So I didn't understand.

I was trying to show.

You look hot.

Thank you.

You look hot.

Thank you.

Well, I was trying to show that I have wrinkles here and I have stuff here and here and it's

normal.

I mean, I have even more now because I'm getting older.

That was a couple of years ago, but like it's just a body and I'm more proud of my body

for getting me up the stairs.

I want to be around to hold my grandchild one day when I'm lucky enough to have one.

I want, I want to work on my upper body right now, not because I want great arms, but because

I want to be able to lift my carry on to the overhead compartment and it's getting

harder.

So I need to do a little bit more weight work.

I want to work on my body so that I can move more easily in the world, not because I want

to look better.

I think about this a lot is being physically able and fit and doing those things.

You will then probably be less stressed about what you're talking about and likely actually

end up where you want to be, but you get to feel better and live better and just be

healthy.

Right.

Right.

Was a healthy attitude as well?

Yeah.

I think there's a lot of people listening that are at different stages in their love

life and you were really open about your love life and you kind of said that in the

book that you don't, you didn't know if you wanted to have another chapter in love.

I still don't know.

You saw James.

Yes.

And James is the lead singer of Metallica.

Head field.

Hi.

Yeah.

I see how I didn't, I wasn't going to tell you because I screamed at it.

So you see the lead singer of Metallica and meet him and you get a little goose bump.

I did.

Before this and let me between Van Halen and Metallica, well, we'll be open for Metallica

for two years.

That's going to be good.

So I ran into James a lot.

That's going to be one of the coolest things ever.

Oh, James.

Oh, James.

He's such a sweet, sweet man and let's be very clear.

He has a gorgeous, beautiful girlfriend.

You said that you said that.

I wasn't about taking his girlfriend or trying to get him to date me.

It was what happened to me was I thought I was dead inside.

I really did because I thought I'm never going to date again.

I am going to get more cats and I'm going to grow old and not give a shit.

And I was just angry and I was hurt.

And that was the first time it's like, oh, I still have my pilot light.

It's still lit.

Okay.

So I can find men attractive.

I'm not dead.

Thank God.

Now what's happening is I don't know because I don't even know how to go about finding

anybody out there.

What am I looking?

A bookstore.

So wait, hold on.

I have a book.

Pause for a week.

One quick.

Like Billy Crystal.

Are you a personal fan of heavy rock and heavy metal?

I'm a personal fan of mammoth.

Really?

My son's band.

Okay.

And you love it.

You listen to it.

I listen to it all the time.

And what is it?

It's like Taylor Swift and Wolfie.

Okay.

Because as you're talking, I mean, not to paint a picture in which there's a meeting, but

you tend to maybe seem to have a type of a guy that you go out there.

But really, which is interesting because if you look through James and Ed look nothing

alike.

No.

And my second husband looks nothing like both of them.

I don't have a physical type.

But you're not like, you don't listen to Master of Puppets and like, that's a good album.

Let me see this.

I like Taylor.

I don't know what James looks like.

So you, because like if I put on heavy music for Lauren, you will turn it off in two seconds.

That's wrong.

Well, listen, you know what?

But I'm with Lauren on this one.

I can't listen to it all the time.

Now, at a live concert, it's mesmerizing.

Especially when you go to see a 20 concert.

I've never been to a live concert.

You never taken me to one.

I did.

We danced at our wedding to nothing else matters.

The frequency is pretty.

Well, that's a softer side.

This James is.

No, listen, when I was.

He's hot.

He's hot.

So I had a little like crush on him for like a millisecond.

And then I was like, oh, I was more grateful that I got that little millisecond crush.

He's so hot on stage that I was like, oh, okay, I'm not dead.

Now I can actually see if I could actually date somebody.

When I was a kid, the first, so Ozzy died this year.

I know.

And I was like depressed because I realized what it was was when I was like 11 12 years old

and trying to figure out myself, I learned, I figured out Black Sabbath.

And then that led me to Van Halen and then ultimately to Metallica.

And what I realized is like, when, I think depending on when you find music in your life,

it will kind of like propel you throughout the rest of your life.

And so these, some of these characters are like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I started off loving Elton John and Linda Ronstadt.

And now I, and then I loved Van Halen because I knew something about the people in it.

And if I know something about the people in the band, I'm more towards enjoying it.

But I'm like, I'm a diehard swifty and I'm a diehard mammoth.

Well, I think music is as close as you can get to immortality because it's something

it can live on.

Well, put your body on a different frequency.

That's why I do sometimes in the morning, if my cats are feeling a little crazy, I'll

put on bird TV and I'll put on Sulfide G.M.

Music.

And I'll do a certain hurts so that, you know, they kind of like chill out and they don't

have an anxiety.

We love hurts.

Yeah.

You wrote about hurts.

You also love the bird song.

I take my son and his little stroller and he loves the bird song because they're all

singing to us.

Yeah.

It's good.

He's going to love heavy metal.

Yes, you will.

What was it like for you to have experienced everything with Eddie?

And then you have a son who's got this talent too.

Is that wild?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I'm like my jaw drops when I watch Wolfie on stage.

He's just phenomenal.

And like one of some of my favorite moments are sitting in 5150 watching Wolfie create

his records with his team.

It's just like, that's my son.

Is it genetic?

It could be, but I don't, because Wolfie works his ass off.

I mean, he's probably got about 10,000 hours under him.

I mean, I don't know, but he's been doing this for almost 20 years.

So he's got a lot of hours under him of playing music, starting on drums when he was eight

or nine.

And then moving to guitar, he wanted to learn, he had Ed teach him a song for sixth grade

step up.

And Ed just was like his, Ed's eyes always sparkled when Wolfie wanted to learn something.

And then he learned bass so they could play with Van Halen because his dad wanted to, I

mean, getting his dad to play again and find joy in playing only Wolfie could have done

that.

Oh, that's interesting.

That's the reason he went back into it with Ed never would have toured again if it wasn't

for Wolfie at all.

Wow.

And so we got three extra tours and I think an album or two out of all of that because Ed

so enjoyed.

I mean, I remember when I was pregnant, we didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl.

And he was like, I don't care what it is, as long as they can play music, I just want

to play with this kid.

And he was in heaven.

Do you remember what you guys did to cultivate the talent?

Like is there it was was Eddie like playing in front of Wolfie when he was like, it never

stopped.

It was there was cars against almost every wall.

There was a piano in the in the living room.

There was 50 month 50, which was right up the hill.

So the uncle Al's drum set was set up there all the time.

So Wolfie had and then we got his own his own drum set.

So he had musical instruments all around it from the time he was little, he had this little

tiny red piano.

You know those cute little kids pianos, he had that and he plunked out his very first

song on that when he was like just a, I don't know, six.

And then you're also a performer too.

So it's like you mix it together and what do you got?

You got Wolfie when it's opening from his house.

And what is a very good actor?

Like I mean, I kid you not like people are missing something like he's so funny, he's

he would be great at acting as well.

But he's like got this music thing figured out too.

How come you connected so much with Drew Barrymore?

He's like a kindred spirit.

She is exactly what you see is what you get.

She is one of those people that are so rare in that they just don't judge somebody.

She literally does not judge anybody for anything.

She just will hear their story and understand it.

And that's so rare.

I mean, I'm, the first time I went to therapy is like, I just don't want to be so judgey

anymore.

Just stop me from being angry and I don't want to judge people.

And I still have a hard time to this day, but I try to remember the way Drew is.

And just to have an open mind and open ears and just let people be who they are unless

they're hurting somebody.

If they're not hurting anybody, why do I care what they're doing in their life?

Why do I care how they're dieting if they're not hurting anybody?

Why do I care how they're navigating their life if they're not hurting anybody?

For people who seek careers in the public eye, what are some things you would caution them

against?

Don't believe the good and don't believe the bad.

Don't believe any press because none of it, you must find your center and yourself

and you must ground yourself.

And I didn't learn that until the last few years that I was not going to, I was not going

to amount to really anything emotionally until I let go of how people perceived me.

Now I can watch somebody literally write months and months of lies about me and be like,

Oh, isn't that interesting?

Doesn't change who I am though.

It's just their perception of me, doesn't mean it's true.

It just means that they feel like telling people that I'm a shitty person, but that's

not who I am.

And in the past, what would that do to you?

I'd be devastated.

I'd be fighting.

I'd be like trying to argue with people that, you know, and try to defend myself.

I don't need to defend myself.

I'm just, I'm not that.

Why would I defend myself over something that doesn't make any sense to me?

That's liberating for you.

Oh, I'm liberating.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not a good cook.

I'm not a cook.

I bet you're better than you think you are.

No.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

You always want your husband to be honest.

He's always on.

There's a thousand talents.

I can make a good sandwich.

Don't not like the best sandwich you've ever had.

Oh, good sandwich.

You've ever had.

Huge.

That's huge.

A good sandwich is not easy.

Come on.

A good sandwich is not, like you make a great sandwich.

The trick to a good sandwich is paparoscenies.

That's paparoscenies.

Yes, paparoscenies.

Yes.

Once you can say it right.

And sourdough lightly toasted with a little bit of mayo.

Yes.

Little honey.

You can't have all the talent for it.

And you're amazing at a thousand things cooking.

Maybe you could be if you, if you worked a lot.

Well, this is Valerie's the perfect person to ask.

So you had a cooking show, cookbooks, all the things.

And even in one of your books, I can't remember which one you would put recipes in it.

Which one was that one?

Why do we read it?

That I believe that was enough already.

Okay.

I have three new cooking shows now that I have on my own at Valerie's place.

So I can go on and I can watch you cooking.

You'll teach me.

Yep.

What's a recipe that we can start with if we're not great in the kitchen?

I would go Italian.

Okay.

Anything Italian is so easy.

Like I would do like a roasted broccoli pasta.

Okay.

Or I would do just an arabiata.

Or I would do like a vodka sauce.

You know what you see in your books?

Or a marinara.

Or a marinara.

Or a marinara in your books.

The jalapeno poppers.

They're very easy.

Do you make them or did you buy them?

Okay.

I used to buy them and eat them by far too many.

I would just like buy boxes and bottles.

They're so good.

They're so good.

They're so good.

But now I make my own because you can make them without being breaded.

And it's just cream cheese and cheddar cheese or jalapeno cheese, cheddar jack.

And you wrap it in bacon.

Okay.

And you just put it in the toaster oven.

Yes, you do.

I have to find.

I'll tell you why.

No, you have to.

I'll tell you what.

You will burn your eyes.

You'll burn your nose.

You will burn your lips.

Oh.

If you touch your face.

I had a friend who was trying to impress a girl.

And he made jalapeno poppers by hand.

And they end up going and getting intimate later.

You think your finger?

No.

What don't you say about that?

And it was a disaster.

Yeah.

It would be out.

And everybody was burning down below.

And she was totally creeped out.

And it was a total disaster.

I'm sorry.

It didn't happen to me.

No.

But I was saying if you're going to do that, Lauren, then wear the gloves.

Yes.

Please wear the gloves.

You don't want to do that.

You discussed being at the Beverly Hills Hotel having a McCarthy $50 dollar salad.

And you got menopause.

Your first hot flash.

Ooh.

What?

If someone's listening, they're going to go through menopause.

They're about to go through it.

What is your tips, tricks?

Don't let it scare you.

It's just, there's just right it.

You can't do anything but write it.

There's nothing they can, you can take.

No.

I tried hormone replacement.

I tried all that stuff.

It didn't work for me.

Again, everybody's different.

It didn't work for me.

And I thought, okay, 100 some years ago, women went through this and they just, you know,

white knuckled it.

I can white knuckle it.

I'm really good at white knuckling shit.

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How does someone date you?

What if someone's listening?

Oh god, they want to date you.

Just scared the shit out of me.

Oh, how do we date you?

What if someone wants to date you?

I'll go ahead with you.

Look out Michael.

I have parameters.

I have parameters.

They can't be younger than...

Let's see.

I'm going to be 66.

So 56.

They can't be younger than 56.

Okay.

And they can't be older than 76.

In your book, you have a specific description.

It's a very...

Yeah.

I want somebody that calms me.

Okay.

That reciprocates what I give.

I like the idea of a big burly guy with a beard and a guitar.

I don't know if I could do a musician again.

Really?

Been there done that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Checked it off the list.

Yeah.

You got it.

Yeah.

I think you covered it.

You did it at the top levels.

It would be nice if he had a job.

Oh.

Because I've dated men without jobs and that's not fun.

And I'm not here to judge.

Drew would say she'll take anybody.

I'm like, after what I've been through and the amount of money that I've had to put out,

please have a job.

Yeah, you need a job.

Or at least a retirement fund.

Well, I think it's not just about the money.

It's about showing that you're waking up and doing something and being useful every day.

Right.

And yeah, because you could be going and working at pro bono law firm.

Something.

You could be anything just do something with your life.

What do you find interesting in your life?

When you have interests, I want to know what your interests are.

It gives us something to talk about.

Like, what do you do for fun?

What do you do that confuses you?

That what do you do that challenges you?

I just want interesting people and I want, I don't want to be stressed.

Like, don't stress me out.

And please communicate.

This is a unicorn.

Yeah.

I know.

Which is why I probably won't be dating.

Don't stress you out.

Wait, because, I mean, it's, look, it's pretty hard to stress me out.

I let a lot of shit roll off my back.

Okay.

And, but just be nice.

Like, if you can't be nice to me or if you can't, like, I like flowers, set me flowers.

We like, I needed a guy with the number one set me flowers.

No, no, no, no.

That's a bit of a red flag.

You know, we went really broad on it.

This has gotten very specific as we've had.

Has, hasn't it?

Oh, women like flowers.

I don't know why I don't like flowers.

I don't like flowers.

I'd like them once a week.

But, surprise her.

I just sent you flowers.

That was Valentine's Day.

Yeah, Valentine's Day doesn't count.

Well, you know what?

Either it doesn't count.

But if you don't do it, oh my god.

Do you know what happens if you don't do it on Valentine's Day?

No, no.

You still have to do Valentine's Day.

But that doesn't count.

You should get flowers the next day too.

It's like monopoly when you pass go and you collect the 200.

Exactly.

No, you have to do it on Valentine's Day.

And if not, you're straight to jail.

Straight to jail.

Exactly.

You talked about the six stages of loving yourself.

Is this your sort of mission statement

or is it something that you learned from someone?

Is it something that you apply that you share with everyone?

It's just things that I thought, okay, I've done this.

I've done this.

I've done this.

I those don't work.

So now it's time to really dig in and get gritty and figure out

why it is that I allow the shit that I allow.

From myself, too.

It all starts in my own head.

So if I'm speaking unkindly about myself,

it doesn't sound odd when someone speaks unkindly to me.

It's like, oh, yeah, I get it.

I wanted to kill your friend that said on the walk something

about like, I know your thighs.

Yeah.

But I was able to now, now I can laugh about it.

And I can wear those same pants and go, what an asshole.

You know, I was like, cut.

Oh, yeah.

Cut that part.

They're not in my life.

No, listen to the birds.

You don't need to listen to that.

Yeah.

And this sound makes me laugh.

I mean, who has gap thigh?

Thigh gap.

Thigh gap.

What are they calling hot dog legs?

What?

Hot dog legs.

Yeah.

I mean, God bless you if you do, but not when many women are

built that way.

Wait, what's the hot dog legs?

I have a hot dog legs after three kids.

Yeah.

I know, God.

But your legs are hot.

I bet they're gorgeous.

I don't know if I would work.

Michael, this is where you say, yeah, I'm honey.

Your legs are fucking hot.

Hold on, I've never, I don't know if I would want you to have hot dog legs.

That doesn't sound silly.

No, you don't want her to have hot dog legs.

You want the legs she has right now today.

Listen, I love, we're not a third kid for a reason.

Yeah.

Well done.

What is spiritual, spiritual you look like to you?

You talked about my favorite person in the world, Louise Hay.

I can, I could not believe you opened your book with her.

Right.

Because that got me through some really scary shit.

I, every time someone comes on the podcast and they like are looking for something.

Like, you got to read, you can heal your life.

I feel like that book.

Oh, the preacher.

Mine is yellowed.

I've had it for so long.

Yes, all as well.

Everything is happening for my highest good.

And even in this situation, only good will come.

I am safe.

You kind of almost sound like her.

Oh, I love her.

I love her.

She's, and she was so before her time.

So before her time.

And so before her time.

Also, what I like most about her specifically is there was no pedestal that she put her on

to be your guru.

She was like, and she infused you with energy that you can be your own guru.

And that is so different as we've seen with a lot of these gurus or not.

So guru.

Some of them have to be on a list that just got released.

Yeah.

Trust your instincts.

That's another thing I've learned big time in the last two years.

I will trust my instincts.

If I think it's a red flag, it is a red flag.

You know, it's, it's, it's weird because in this, I guess like if they're,

it's a circle of back to like the entertainment Hollywood.

You're sometimes what you see is not always what you get.

Do it.

And sometimes what you see is exactly what you get, like Drew Barrymore.

Yeah, that's true too.

That's true too.

That's true too.

So how do you think about spirituality now at this point after everything you've been through

after all the books that you've written, you've had such a full life, what's your energy on spirituality?

Making a connection with some sort of higher power universe, God, whatever you want to call it.

I was raised a Catholic.

I don't necessarily believe in organized religion.

I think it's used more as a power play as opposed to someone really,

because if you can't ask questions of your religion than something, it's about power.

And it's not about really finding a better way to,

for lack of a better word, behaving in life.

Like, you don't want to behave, but you just want to be your best possible version of who you are,

your highest version, so that you can then treat others with pure kindness

and hope to receive that back.

So in doing that, it's just looking for the goodness, the positivity in the world,

because it's always there, finding the gratitude.

It's always there, even in our worst times, like the Louise Hay quote that I said.

I was on the ground sobbing, and I was just like, her words came into my mind like,

all as well.

This is all going to work out for my higher good.

This is all, okay, I'm safe.

Nothing's hurting me.

It's just emotions.

They're scary right now, but it's just finding that peace within us,

that is all of us.

We are all connected.

In some way, it's all energy.

And that energy is what you put out in the world,

and the more positive energy you put out in the world,

the more positive energy there is in the world.

You can hopefully negate all that crappy energy that's out there.

For some reason, I have a weird feeling

that your next person that you're with is going to be a writer.

Try that.

No, thank you.

Why?

Maybe it was just that particular writer.

Yeah, maybe it was the particular writer.

Exactly.

I find writers amazing.

My sons are writer.

My ex-husband was a writer.

Yeah, maybe it's a different kind of writer.

Maybe it's not like a traditional writer.

Maybe it's a writer like Wolfie writes music, right?

Okay.

Is he also a writer, like a writer?

Or Wolfie writes his music, he plays guitar, he plays bass,

he plays, he sings, he does everything on his album.

Maybe it's a different kind of writer.

Maybe.

I definitely lean towards artistic people.

Yeah.

I like someone who really likes to use that artistic muscle in them.

And let me just say everyone has that.

Sometimes we suppress it because we got to get shit done,

but everyone has an artistic muscle.

I want to know what book is next in you.

Is there another book or are you done?

I didn't think there was after I finished this,

but I usually think that when I'm done anyway,

so let's see how I feel in a year,

because I've changed so dramatically in the last two years,

and I didn't think that was possible.

I probably have another cookbook or two in me.

I know I want to do that.

But I also really like helping people.

I like inspiring people to be their best selves,

because that then inspires me to be my best self.

So in that given take, we all kind of rise a little bit higher.

So I think there's still maybe,

like this book started off as exercises in finding our best self

and being kinder to ourselves.

And then it just kind of veered off into like,

so I'm a victim or a survivor of sexual abuse.

So let's talk about that.

Never thought I'd say that out loud,

but I was able to work with the therapist for 10 years

where it now finally became something that I could actually say out loud

and actually put a picture in my book of that 11-year-old

that was abused and say that's not right.

That should never be happening.

What did that do to your healing journey

to be able to open up and say that?

It freed me in a way that I can literally say it,

because the first time I tried to say it 10 years ago,

it came out and I thought,

oh, okay, now that I finally said it,

I'll be free and I'll be healed.

No, took me 10 more years of really digging down deep

and then doing EMDR, which really helped me.

But being able to say it now, there's a freedom in it

that my shame can't be used against me anymore

because I have had someone know my shame

and then in anger try to use it as a weapon to hurt me.

And now they can't do that because I own it

and I own my recovery and I own my own life as a survivor

and they can't hurt me because of it.

And that gives me freedom and more in a way grounds me more

that no one can hurt me.

Like I can watch people talk about me and say things

that aren't true and be like, yeah, oh well.

And not feel like I have to defend myself

because I know who I am.

If you guys have not read Valerie's books,

I recommend going to get all of them.

But you also can just pick one up and start it.

Like you don't have to read start to finish, I think.

So if you want to go get her new book,

I also have it on audio.

And I do read it and I really wanted to do the meditations in the book

kind of like really gently so that if you want to listen to it

while you're in a bath,

it may help you find a calm place

and go someplace else in your own brain and mind and emotions.

That's really cool.

So you can listen to your voice and do the meditations with you.

I love that.

Getting naked, the quiet work of becoming perfectly and perfect.

Everyone can go buy it on Amazon.

Is it pre-order? When does it come?

I suggest maybe going to your local bookstores

where you really like to keep local businesses thriving.

Love it.

There's a bunch of great local bookstores everywhere.

So go there first.

I will be in the kitchen trying to cook with you on your new show.

Oh, good.

Where can we find your new show?

That's on Valerie's Place.

It's an app that you can download.

You can go to Valerie's Place.com

or you can go to wherever you download your apps.

This is great, Lauren, because now I can run you through all the albums.

Yes, please don't take her through a discography.

I'm going to.

I'm going to.

You can cook.

I'll run you through all the most important works.

It's the lowest frequency.

One that's like nothing else matters.

Where do we start?

That's just low vibes.

Listen to Wolfie's, the last song on Wolfie's new album.

He wrote that.

I'm not.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say it, but he wrote it for someone special.

And it's a beautiful song.

Okay.

So I'm going to start there.

All in good time.

Okay.

By mammoth.

Listen to that.

Taylor, you listen to mammoth.

You can also listen to Distance, which is the song he wrote for his pop.

After his pop past.

That was beautiful.

That he was nominated for a Grammy for that.

I'm very proud of my son if you can't tell.

I have a song that I sing my son every morning.

Do you?

He lives with his mom for the rest of his life.

No one but his mom.

He loves his mom.

I see you.

Have you read a love you forever?

No.

Oh my god.

That book.

Okay.

So I used to sing that book to Wolfie.

And then I started looking at it and the way it progresses.

The last page is kind of creepy.

And so I'm like, oh, well, maybe not.

But it's the same thing.

I'll love you forever.

I'll love you for always.

You know, my baby you'll be.

But also get out of the house.

Get out of the house at some point.

Have productive, really adult relationships with other women.

But that's really what I thought.

That's really what I thought too.

But I'm so in love with his wife.

Okay.

And I love going over there.

And I love hanging out with them.

I also love giving them their own time.

But I really thought that too.

And I said, you're not moving anywhere far from me.

I need literally.

You also have to fill your frames with grandkids.

So I can't wait.

We'll see.

Andrea.

Andrea.

Thank you so much for coming on Valor.

You can come back anytime.

Thanks for having me.