Waiting To Adopt During the Holidays

This is The Adoption Weight, a podcast brought to you by Adoptings.com.

I am your host, Lacey Richter, author, business owner, and a mom of two through domestic income

adoption, who has endured The Adoption Weight five times over.

Hello and thank you everyone for joining me on The Adoption Weight Podcast.

Today's guest is a very good friend of mine, Ms. Julie Estes.

Julie is an adoptive mom times two.

And my husband and I met her when we were waiting to adopt for the first time.

I asked Julie to join me today to talk about something that is approaching us at rapid speed.

And if you've been in any retail stores, you know what that is.

It goes Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

It just keeps coming and that is the holidays.

And more specifically, we're going to talk about waiting to adopt during the holidays.

Hello, Julie, and welcome to The Adoption Weight Podcast.

Hi, Lacey.

Oh, it is so good to be with you today.

Thank you so much for inviting me to join you for this conversation.

When you mentioned the topic, I was like, oh, yes, I have some stories to tell.

That's right.

I picked you specifically because I knew you had stories about the holidays.

So just to give the listeners a little background on how we met.

When my husband and I were entering the adoption weight for the very first time,

we had to attend a weekend training for our adoption agency.

And when we sat down at the table with all our nerves and all our jitters and we looked up.

And we saw two smiling and welcoming faces across the table.

And those faces were Julie and her husband, Chris.

And we started chatting and we realized we only lived just a couple miles from each other.

So it was amazing.

And it was the best connection we could have had right right in the beginning of our journey.

So Julie, I want to back up a little bit and start with you sharing a little bit about your adoption story.

And I know we're talking to a lot of waiting adoptive families right now.

They always want to know how long and a little bit of the details.

So just share with us how long and some details about how long your husband and your weighted in your journey to become parents.

Sure.

Well, I recognize that there are so many different paths to adoption.

For us, our journey toward adoption began with a longing and a hope to be parents.

And then we faced the difficult challenges of infertility.

After several years of ups and downs with hopes and losses, our hearts and minds quickly shifted toward adoption.

I remember a period of time after what we determined would be that one last treatment we were going to try.

And we both just knew that adoption would be our next step.

I'll tell you a little story. We kind of knew that.

And we were in a space where we were just taking a little time after that treatment.

We knew that was going to be our next step, but we hadn't taken any action yet.

And we were in this interesting situation.

We were at a wedding. We didn't really know anyone there except the bride and group.

And at dinner, we're seated next to this incredibly kind, beautiful young woman in every way.

And we just connected with her and out of Chris's mouth, he says, we're planning to adopt.

If you ever hear of any opportunities or connections, let us know.

And I kind of looked across the table, I was like, OK, this is real.

We are.

That was the first time.

So now it's happening, right?

Yes. So he said it out loud. And I was like, OK, this is real.

This is a real turning point for us.

And little did we know she was a nurse and volunteered with an adoption organization.

A couple of weeks after that, we get this message on social media.

And she was like, you know, we had that conversation.

You didn't know that I had this connection, but actually our organization is looking for perspective adoptive families.

Would you be willing to get your home study complete and put your portfolio here with us.

And so that put us on this quick fast paced ramp up to getting our home study completed and putting our profile together.

And so a lot of those decisions that are fairly big ones like domestic versus international.

A lot of those kind of happened at warp speed for us.

And we had our home study completed within just a few weeks.

And we were ready.

And then I don't know if I know if I knew this story.

I love this. I love when I sit down.

I'm like, wait, I thought I knew your whole story.

But I don't know that I knew this story.

Yes, it was crazy.

It really all this happened at warp speed.

And then nothing.

For creating months.

Eight months of silence.

Literally silence.

I think maybe one or two times we got a call saying your profile was shown.

But it was very quiet during that time.

And I did okay for the first few months.

And then the waiting certainly with every month that went by.

I got a little bit harder and a little bit harder and a little bit harder.

And then again through a connection.

We heard about an attorney who had a prospective birth mother coming in.

And it was kind of a last minute thing.

I remember we emailed our profile over to his office.

And this was quite some time ago.

So the secretary just printed it out on paper and kind of handed it back to me.

It was almost like that.

It was very rough.

It was not, you know, a beautiful portfolio book.

But that birth mother matched with us that day.

And we were expecting to be matched with twin girls.

Okay.

When she delivered she made a different plan and chose to parent.

And so of course that was exciting for her.

But a great sense of loss for us after that anticipation and looking forward to that.

And then three weeks later we received news that we were matched with a baby boy.

And he was placed with us two days after he was born.

And he is now 13.

13.

Yes.

Can you believe that?

How did you go from sitting in the weight?

Crickets.

Nothing happening.

Eight months.

And now you have a 13 year old.

Yes.

It happens.

It does.

And I'm not sure the time warp that happens, you know, that a very long,

arduous weight is now a tiny blip on the radar screen.

But every moment during the weight seemed like a year.

I know you can relate to that.

Absolutely.

Yes.

And after he came along we kept our home study active, hoping to adopt again in a few years.

And after that we felt led to actively pursue another adoption a few years later.

And we were connected with an agency.

We updated our profile.

And that period of weighting was about nine months from the time that we met you all

at that training weekend until we were placed matched with our daughter.

And she was placed with us at age eight, I'm sorry, at age six weeks.

Okay.

Yes.

So that's the quick version.

You know how this goes.

There are so many little miracles that occurred.

Each step of the way with both of our children to bring our family together.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

And I'm just learning so much more about the about your story now.

I knew a lot of it, but it's so fun to just find out new stuff.

So.

So when we met you were already parenting your three year old.

And so for us, you guys were our mentors.

You had been ahead of us.

You had already done this.

You knew the process and my biggest wish for anyone,

any weighting adoptive family is that they have this type of connection

and this friendship through their weight.

We laughed together.

We cried.

We prayed so many times together.

And once we connected at that that agency training.

And we were both active and we realized we're both with the same agency.

And sort of a light bulb goes off and we start to realize, okay.

Potential expected parents were probably viewing both of our profiles sometimes.

And before we jump in to start to talk about the holidays,

I want to ask you about something that we both remember very well.

And that is that you guys got the call first.

So share with our listeners that story of what it was like when you realized

you were going to have to share this information with me and my husband,

who were still sitting basically on top of the phone,

waiting for that call to come into us.

Because I still remember exactly where I was.

Exactly what we were doing when you gave us that call.

Yes.

Lacey, it was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made.

We just knew that it was going to take us forever to be matched with a second child.

We had all these ideas.

We thought that all of the prospective birth parents in the world were going to choose a profile

of someone without children over us.

We said these kinds of things, we're like, we'll go ahead and kind of get in the mix

because it's probably going to take a really, really long time.

So I was just waiting and hoping for that call from you.

I was ready to be there with flowers and balloons and celebrating the good news.

And you know, with so many things, God's plans do not always match what we have in mind.

And I really did not anticipate us getting the call first.

So when we received that call about our daughter, you know,

of course we were so full of joy and excitement.

But really my second thought was, oh, Lacey and Robbie.

I just felt brokenhearted knowing firsthand that the agony of waiting

and watching others celebrate those momentous joy-filled moments waiting for that news

and then getting it.

So it was really hard to make that call.

I called you right after our daughter was replaced with us.

Literally she was in, we were in the car.

First car ride.

She was very little car seat in the back.

And you know, making calls to family and the next call is to you, letting you know.

And so it was this mix of joy and sorrow, you kind of all combined,

like so many aspects of adoption, really.

Absolutely.

And receiving that phone call, I was feeling those exact same emotions, you know,

and I think that's something that we need to talk about and prepare waiting adoptive families

and we want them to connect with other families.

But when you see other people being matched and maybe you're still waiting,

these are all feelings and things that you're going to go through.

Because I was so, I'm getting goosebumps right now.

I was so incredibly happy for you guys.

But yeah, I was like, why not us and how much longer are we going to have to wait?

And all these feelings and, and you know, asking yourself these questions,

these are all completely normal feelings that you're going to go through during your wait.

So speaking of joy and sorrow mixed together, I want to start talking about the weight during the holidays.

And I know from experience that waiting during the holidays can just sometimes be a little extra sensitive.

And I want to talk about what that looked like and what that felt like for Julie and I during our weights.

I remember a couple of years before we chose to adopt when we were still trying to conceive,

sitting by the Christmas tree and just kind of dreaming of what our soon to be family was going to look like.

And then I remember sitting by the Christmas tree when we were actively waiting to adopt.

And you guys were actually a part of that memory because we spent some time together then.

So do you have any specific memories you want to share from waiting during the holidays?

Yes, I remember that time so well that Christmas that you all were waiting to adopt your first.

And we were waiting to adopt our second.

Our son was three years old and we all went to the incredible light display at a garden nearby.

And of course our three-year-old was full of energy and he loved all the excitement of the music and the lights.

He loved spending time with you guys.

You are just so much fun and he just thought you're the coolest people to hang out with.

And I just remember how hopeful I was that by the next Christmas season you all would be parents with a little one keeping you on your toes.

Yeah, and that's exactly what happened because we were matched like the following April and then the following August.

Our daughter was born and so we had a very different Christmas the following year.

What other specific memories do you have that you want to share?

Well, there are a few other specific memories of waiting during the holidays that come to mind.

I think for me the years of infertility were the most challenging.

Though holiday seasons were full of activities with friends and extended family Christmas mornings felt way too quiet.

It's just the two of us.

They're not like that anymore.

They are not like that anymore.

But they sure were for those years and one of those years we sort of skipped Christmas and went on a trip with just a few family members.

I'd say the first Christmas we were officially waiting to adopt was one that was filled actually with more hope than sadness because we were hopeful and looking forward to the time ahead.

It hadn't been too long since our home study had been approved.

We weren't past that point of oh, it's been so many months and we haven't heard anything.

We were at a point of hope and optimism.

So that was actually more of an anticipation than sorrow for waiting.

Our families knew that we were waiting to be matched and so there was a lot of hope and support and optimism from them that year too.

Yeah, it was still fresh.

Yes.

And if I remember correctly, your daughter was born in December, but you guys didn't actually get the call to until like six weeks later or a few weeks later and you spoke to me in pre interview about something that you still remember every year during the holidays.

And that was that you missed your daughter's first Christmas. So tell me more about that.

Yes, it's so interesting how birthdays are different for adoptive families if you weren't there for the birthday.

And that was the case with both of our children.

We were not there on the day that they were born.

And so I always think about that when her birthday comes around and her birthday is right there near the holiday season.

So I often think about her first Christmas and I'm filled with gratitude for her birth family who loved her so well.

They shared photos with us from her first Christmas.

So we have a sweet photo with her and her, you know, my very first Christmas bib.

So I know they treasure those memories very fondly and of course, you know, we think about that time too.

We actually spent that particular Christmas with family out of town, which was really unusual for us.

It was a special trip to the Northeast and our son was still three.

Our little nephew was one and as I read them the story of Jesus's birth on Christmas Eve, it started snowing.

And the next morning we woke up with snow on the ground Christmas morning.

And when you're from the Gulf Coast, this is all a novelty.

Yes, it's like a snow.

Yes, so it was particularly ideal and memorable.

So when I think back about that experience during the holidays and that particular trip, I'm reminded of that anticipation and longing that we had for another child.

She was a tiny baby.

Then when we were doing all those things that we didn't know about her yet, we had not met her yet.

And I think I do want to point out that there is waiting and anticipation and sometimes sadness and longing with a second child adoption as well when you are hopeful and anticipating that there's still a lot of feelings that go along with that too.

Yeah, and I can totally understand your thoughts about like returning there every Christmas.

And even for adoptive families that were there for the birth, like I just every birthday for me is just flooded with memories of hospital experience and matching and birth parents.

I think about them so much during birthdays and so there's so much again that joy and sorrow and grief all mixed up every every year on birthdays.

Absolutely.

So we all know that during the holidays and when you're waiting to adopt, it seems that babies and kids are everywhere.

Like when you're waiting to adopt, like everybody's pregnant, you're like, what is going on.

And then the holidays, it's like babies and kids are just everywhere.

You know, they're in their grocery store aisle, they're in the Christmas tree lighting at church.

And do you remember like any specific events that you just felt like you needed to maybe avoid during that time or maybe even some events that really brought you some extra joy that you decided to kind of dive head first into while you were waiting to adopt during the holidays.

For me, it was really different each season.

Sometimes I really wanted and needed the love and excitement that came from those family gatherings with all the babies everywhere.

You know, maybe the fun cousin or the fun aunt who's holding all the babies.

And then other times it was really hard and brought a lot of sadness.

Most of the years we were waiting, we continued our family traditions with all the special gatherings and church services.

But there were a few times that we just needed to mix things up a little bit and get away from the normal holiday routine.

As I mentioned, a couple of times we planned vacations during the holidays instead of being home at Christmas.

And that choice led to wonderful experiences at those particular points in time.

So I would just encourage folks to be mindful of what you need during that particular season.

Recognize that what works well for someone else might not work well for you.

And what works for one particular holiday season might not work well for the next round of holidays.

Yes. And I love that you're saying that.

And I want to point out for like waiting adoptive families.

Like if you're connected with other families who are also waiting and they may have different needs and feel different ways.

And there's no right way or wrong way to feel about this weight and these holidays.

It's just you need to tune into what you need every season.

And that may change and just be mindful and be kind to yourself.

I love that. Thank you.

So speaking of events during the holidays, we all spend a little extra time around family.

And that can be super joyful.

But also when you're mixing that many people together, it can be a little challenging.

Just when you're not waiting to adopt and then when you're waiting to adopt, it just brings on another layer.

So I wanted to ask if you had any advice for waiting adoptive families who might be spending that extra time with family members.

And maybe these family members are just learning about your choice to adopt or maybe they're family members who really know nothing about adoption.

And they just seem to say the wrong things.

What kind of advice do you have for us during the holidays?

Well, like you in talking with other adoptive families, I know there are some interesting conversations that come up with very well-meaning friends and family members.

And I certainly experience that as well.

One Christmas Eve when we were in the most difficult season of struggling with infertility, a family member said, well, you all just haven't been lucky with having kids have you.

And so it was like, well, no, we haven't.

Because all it takes is luck.

Oh, I think the next year was the year we skipped Christmas.

Oh, yeah, perfect.

You were probably playing in that trip that night. You're like pulled up flights for the next Christmas.

I think so.

Yes.

One practical idea that comes to mind is anticipating the questions that may come up and having a response ready or kind of know what you'll say for questions that you do not want to get into.

I think that can serve you well as you go into those situations.

Just kind of think, you know, these are the kinds of things that people might say and how do I want to respond?

And you might even have a little phrase ready like, oh, yeah, that's something I don't really feel comfortable talking about today.

Absolutely.

You know, the holidays aren't really the time I want to get into this.

Just some kind of little phrase that if you want to end the conversation pretty quickly, that way you'll be prepared and kind of ready with some tools.

That takes the emotion out of it in the moment if you thought about it in advance.

Also, you might want to think about ahead of time.

What is my role in this particular situation?

How open do I want to be in my sharing?

Am I ready to give a lot of details and help others understand the process of adoption?

Or do I just want to keep it a little bit light and breezy and move on to other topics and not get into it?

And I know there are different seasons and different times that I felt quite different about that.

You know, sometimes you're kind of ready and it helps to talk about it and you want to help others understand.

And other times you're like, I just really don't want to get into it right now.

Just like check into your energy, like what is my energy today?

Do I feel like I want to explain this and be in conversation with this?

Or I love this super practical tip that you are giving our waiting adoptive families, which has come up with a conversation ender.

I heard you say that.

Like, have that conversation ender ready to go and dish that out.

I think I'm going to do that anyway this year for the holidays.

Like just have that ready to go.

That is great practical advice.

Yes, I'm all for a practical tip.

Here's another one that I thought of.

And that is you are in larger gatherings with extended family or friends or big groups.

You might want to identify some advocates who can support you and even run interference for you.

For example, you know, you can talk to your parents or your siblings who are closer to the situation.

And communicate with them ahead of time.

And let them try to help answer all the questions of the other people.

Let them sort of run interference.

So let your mom run interference with that aunt or that grandmother, that person who kind of says things out of turn sometimes.

Think about that and also kind of stick close to your safe people in their settings.

If they feel more like you might be on put on the platform to answer all the questions at a time that you don't really feel like getting into it.

Yeah, I love that.

That's so practical.

Bring in your support team.

Like have a couple of people that like you stick close to.

And if you're just tired of the question, just go back to that team or if you want somebody else to help you answer these questions, they can come in.

I love that.

So now I want to talk about.

I'm going to shift a little bit and start talking about traditions because my husband and I, we started a tradition before our children were born.

And it was every Sunday night, we would go out for pizza and then we would write around and look at Christmas lights.

And I know many families do this.

This comes from something my mom did because she was always looking for those free activities around the Christmas time.

And so we still do that with our children.

And then that's so it just feels so sweet to me that I did it before them and we do it now and they love it.

They love the Sunday nights between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We already know what we're doing.

Did you and your husband create any new traditions or carry over any old traditions that you still do with your children now?

Sure.

I think some of the biggest traditions revolve around family gatherings.

And that stayed the same as we added children to the family.

We have gatherings with our extended family who we love so much.

And it's always a joy to have those times together with that big group of family around the holidays.

So that's something that has been fun to kind of bring them into that we already did.

We also play kind of a game in our family called Christmas Eve gift.

And it's been fun to bring the children into that family tradition.

It was probably my family.

But the first person to say Christmas Eve gift on Christmas Eve is supposed to get a gift.

And so even if you're not with the people, you know, call and say Christmas Eve gift.

And you know, now with cell phones and caller ID, it's really easy.

If one of my family members calls on Christmas Eve, you know, I don't answer with hello.

I answer with Christmas Eve gift before they can say yes.

So it's just a fun little game.

And so now the kids do that too.

And their Christmas Eve gift is usually pajamas to wear that night.

And so we have, you know, those traditions of reading the Christmas story and opening presents.

So a lot of that has really continued with they certainly add all of the fun and energy to those gatherings.

Yes.

And so while we're talking about gifts, I want to that's the great segue into the next topic I wanted to cover.

When we were waiting to adopt you guys, you and Chris actually got us the greatest gift.

And I still remember and it was a baby book for adoptive families because not all baby books are written in a way that adoptive families can use them.

And I just thought it was so thoughtful.

And it just really made me feel seen and less lonely.

And around Christmas, you know, we give and we get a lot of gifts.

So what are some gifts that waiting adoptive families could either put on their list that their other family members could get them to prepare them for when they actually do get that call when they are placed or or maybe some gifts for some extra self care during that waiting time.

Absolutely.

And we knew about that particular baby book because it was gifted to us from a very dear friend during that time of waiting as a way to love on us and show support and encouragement.

So I think those types of baby books and then there are some really great children's books on adoption.

It's wonderful to go ahead and help adoptive families build a library of those fantastic books and resources.

That's a go to very easy one that folks are going to love.

A few other gifts I thought of were family heirlooms to pass along.

That's a great idea.

I think, you know, from a very close family member from a parent to a child or from siblings, something really special that you want to keep in the family gives that sense of we are hoping and anticipating with you.

We know that your family is the story of your family is going to be written in due time and we see that happening with you.

And I think that's just a very thoughtful treasure along with any kind of keep sags like ornaments things to mark the time picture frames are great because again it's that we are in this waiting with you and we know that this frame is going to have a picture of your family.

It's hopeful it's sitting there hoping along with you and waiting I love that.

And then on a practical side, I think, you know, putting together that wish list of items that you want to have on hand.

If you are pursuing newborn adoption, you're thinking about those baby items that you need immediately like that car seat or that roller.

It's kind of fun in that waiting to pick out some of those things.

So think about the things you need right off the bat.

But I would say know yourself again and your preferences and communicate those with family members.

You know, everybody needs to do that in different ways.

I remember we did not set up nurseries ahead of time.

We had everything staged in a closet that out of sight because for me, it was just a little bit hard to pass that room every day when I was waiting.

But then I know you set up a beautiful nursery and anticipation and that was so much fun to see you set that up and to kind of be a part of that in certain ways.

So know what's going to work well for you and then get your family involved in supporting you and that absolutely.

And I love that you keep sort of driving us back to like just being mindful of what we need not what every adoptive family waiting adoptive family needs because we all feel so differently during these seasons and then just kind of checking in like where am I and what do I need and

you know, being gifts to prepare me for a baby treat, you know, would that be well for me right now or would that cause me a little bit more grief and just longing.

So just kind of continue to check back in with yourself.

So Julie, this has been such a great conversation.

I know our listeners will be encouraged.

They'll have some action items and practical items to take with them today. They're going to come up with their conversation indoors so that they can have a wonderful holiday season.

And so I'm just going to wrap us up and the last thing I'm going to ask you for I sort of ask all of our guests.

What is outside of the holidays or inside of the holidays, both really what are three things that you think waiting adoptive families can do right now to make their weight more intentional and more joyful.

Well, I think the first thing that comes to mind from our conversation is just surround yourself with a supportive and encouraging community.

Get those folks around you who are going to be with you in the waiting and bring words of hope and encouragement.

So I would encourage you to be careful with your expectations of others.

Don't let your expectations exceed what you communicate with others, especially thinking about this in the context of the holidays.

So don't expect your family to act in certain ways if they don't know how you feel about celebrating the holidays and you're waiting.

And I think when you're open about communication, your family will often match you there and those expectations will kind of meet up.

Also invest in your own personal and spiritual growth and development during that time of waiting.

And I think it was just central to my waiting process, just going back to prayer and Bible study and devotionals like the incredible book that you've written Lacey just that constant reminder of how adoption and the story of our family fit together in God's plan for our life and the hope and encouragement that comes along with that.

Absolutely, those are great. I'm going to put those three little, not little, those three big things in the show notes so we can all look at those and take those with us.

Julie, thank you so much for being with me today and bringing just encouragement and practical advice to our waiting adoptive families.

I hope that you and your family have a wonderful holiday season.

Thank you so much, Lacey. It was great fun and I hope our conversation has been really helpful for those in the wait. Thank you.