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About this Episode
Plus every panel show ever and Trump calls Keir.
Hosts & Guests
Transcript
Yeah, so I discovered tears will get me and A's stains out of a green gun.
We're on test!
And welcome back to Prague, thousands of Irish supporters came, partied, and they went
horse for the last few days.
But there were some fans who paid their own way.
I could actually hear them from my sweet.
It kept me awake, they did.
I tired out.
Let's meet some of them still here.
This lad looks like you need an ice bath.
We're live by the way.
Don't chant anything about the wrath, please.
Ah, look at him.
I'm devastated.
I knew it flew to Perlermo and got the bus up here.
It sold all my possessions for a ticket to the game and put the three children on the market and all.
You sold your children?
No, sorry. I put them on the stall at the market selling my possessions.
Is anyone offering, by the way, the baby won't be much used to it.
But you could get the older ones to pick mushrooms or something.
Oh, please, man, I need to get a flight back.
I'm sorry for your troubles.
Is there anyone here who isn't from New York?
Westmead here.
Oh.
I'm Harp broke something terrible.
Oh, please don't chant anything about nitrates, derogations.
Or we'll have to cut the broadcast again.
All right.
A lot of people went to a lot of trouble to get to Prague.
How did you get here?
I stole a pony in motion, rode him to Luke and jumped into an ESB van and phoned in an electrical fault
in the airport where I got a cargo plane to Poland.
Oh, I'd say it's some crack with the customs officers.
I panned to create a Labubus from the plane to get into Czech who are you?
Czech, yeah, yeah.
Jumped to train over the border and made it just in time for the halftime slippery nipples.
Amazing.
Such colour and pageantry here that the man here is a shade of concerning scarlet.
Help your lads.
Please don't chant anything about the monk who we're live on radio.
I've had the time of my life, Marit.
Don't believe it.
Don't you get here.
We got right air flights.
The cost is far too grand.
That's right.
A man here was in the overhead bin and another land dressed as a pilot.
He's here.
We flew into Kosovo, Prague.
It was some trick.
Yeah, we had to set up a bus service from scratch to get into the contract.
Straight.
We all bought 400 grand to a Serbian crypto-kind bank.
Bank.
But it was water.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
Yeah.
Don't chant anything about my last image.
Are we caught to a break?
How many of you swear through the gang?
Five of us.
Oh.
That is an exhibit in a Damien house, sure.
Damien house, that can be what a fortune we have.
Serious.
Yeah, your problem is solved.
How about you?
Did you take three trains for a flight, swim a canal, and then rent a car to get here?
Yeah, I know.
Should we know this match was happening for youngs?
I booked in advance like a responsible person.
It only cost me 350 quid.
No, that's disappointing.
How are you doing?
I tell you what, I don't know.
I cycled to Paris.
Yes.
It's huyto-voyena.
I'm out of Hungarian princess.
And I broke hold of a debtor's jail.
I never once missed a match in my life before I tell you I did I am fairly confident no
I think we we might have a chance to eat what know the matches
But it's over like it was last night. Oh jeez. We're out. Oh sure. I'm sorry. I told you. I wish I look
I'm here now. I might as well have a russia's anguish, but it's three o'clock in the morning
I know
Well, such as breakfast time back home. Haha go on. I'll buy the cool slow
Says unbelievable. Have you put the call through where is he right now? There he is
Kear Starber. Is he a mute? He looks like a man who apologizes to chairs before he's sitting down
Hello. Hello. That was on mute. Hello. Thank you Mr. President Delighted to be here
Very honest. Well, you look kind of frightened like the SNL comedy and you
Opposed it myself online. Huge numbers. You have that realization of terror on your face
Like Melania and Valentine. I'm not terrified. I'm cautious
So same thing British word for terrified very polite fear. I got to tell you
I hope your negotiations with Iran first of all continue and second of all actually exist
Absolutely, I'm ever tucks every single day mainly with myself
And then I watch the oil browsers go down like a fun game. They react to anything I say
So world war three look. He just jumped up again. Please
Please stop playing with oil prices while I'm delighted your imaginary talks are positive
Would it be worth consulting the Iranians for stability? Well, stability is overrated. The markets
They love excitement. They love excitement. People make a lot of money.
Well, smart people. There are reports of unusual trades one made 60 million and 14 minutes
That's what I like to call efficiency. It's called inside a trading
You know, it's outsider winning. Mr. President, they just knew I was about to pause
Barming Iran's energy sites for five days precisely lucky guests. You told them didn't you?
I tell everybody everything and nothing. It's very confusing. That's my strategy.
Now you're moving Marines into the region during talks
Totally peaceful deployment of troops. I find that very hard to believe.
Well, that's because you don't have the imagination here. So Churchill now he had
Imagination. He was a bigot. But in a classy way such a classy bigot. I don't think there's a classic way.
No Churchill here. You're more assistant manager in a carpet store. What?
Look, this is about stepping the nuclear. But you said you destroyed Iran's nuclear
Capabilities lost June. No, clear. This war is a bit like the Malcolm in the Middle
Reboot and that I'm struggling to see the point of it. Seriously, though. Did you watch the SNL
parody of you that I shared? I left. No, I did. So hard until I realized we should be
Terrifying the UK for stealing American comedy. I thought it was a highly
Inaccurate representation of me. I've never ever been funny in any capacity whatsoever.
You know, I hosted SNL here in the best of the biggest ratings of all time.
They say my whole cabinet is made of hosts. What?
Pete hates it. He hosted facts news or if K Jr. He hosted. Yeah, a worm in his brain.
You should watch it. You really should. No, I don't have time. The far more important things
Well, leaders should be doing right now. I think that's right. Like golfing. I got to do a lot of golfing.
No, no, I meant I'm relaxing. All right. How was your visit to Elvis's mansion?
It was terrific. Gold everywhere. Gotty lamps.
Hideously ornate staircase. Good to talk. He's got great taste. I gotta go.
The king they say, but they're going to be calling me a king.
Maybe? Bommar. Supreme leader. Thanks, Mr. President.
Oh, I mean to be supreme leader. Bommar.
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.
That important. What's all this? What's happening?
She should have to match her started. Quit your clock in like a harratton and see she is there, will you, tonnister?
What match? What are you talking about? We already won the six nations, hello.
Stop the blegaarding now. We won the triple crown, different sports.
What's up, yorking me, Shakras? Will you? I've all the snacks ready. Help yourself.
Is that a hard boiled egg? What's up, muscular drink? It looks as sweet grass.
It's very good for the gush, like a wooden one with Mary Robinson.
You come away feeling chilled and jilous.
Where's the sunny day and the fun-sized smarties?
Sure, no. I won't allow fructose.
Well, if we're not having rice crispy buns, then fructose.
Symbatch! The match in nation holds its guinity breath.
What? And a spare pair of underpants.
Oh, concentrate.
Of course, football. It's top trumps for social media engagement.
Precisely. Go, Jack Sparrow.
Is that the hero?
No, no, no, no, no. His tribe had it. Stop it now, focus.
Right, the parrots. This is the vital match for the young generation
when they never saw a world cup.
That's my people. Of course, I was alive the last time Ireland went to the ashes.
It wasn't it. You were. You were 16 years of age.
That's probably already failing as a junior minister for something.
I see it on Insta 2002. I was so young.
I hadn't even been invited to my first house party by then.
No, no, no, no. Before it, since...
That's not true.
Take that back.
I promised to bring cans of carling to my first house party,
but Renegged on the promise and offered Capri-Son instead.
They got angry and tried to eject me,
so I pledged to make up for it by dropping a gig or bomb.
Instead, I dropped out of college.
Oopsie.
Shoot, shoot, shoot. Go, I put it in.
Who's playing the halftime show?
Co-play or Oasis?
They're the only bands I know exist.
Which do you really want? You're offside, offside.
It says here it's going to be 90 minutes.
Oh my god, that's so long the children's hospital will still not be built by full time.
Of course, there could be extra time and penalties as well.
Don't be silly. I oversaw the contract.
It's over time and no penalties.
What's that?
I think I said too much.
Come on, you boys and green.
Oh, so where are the ones in green?
Wait, what's Aiman Ryan doing in this?
I was all you quit the black aridings.
Sorry, god, it's just I'm so nervous.
Oh, so you finally understand the match?
No, no, I just discovered what the national debt is for the first time today.
Whoo, I thought that figure was credit.
Hell is wrong with you.
We're going to have to spend a thousand years in the deposit return machine to pay that back.
Come on, you boys and green.
Come on, oh, we found your table here.
We're here, we're here for Mary Lou, hey.
We didn't get our own private area, no?
I think it's best we watch the match with the little people, Pierce.
Right.
My election season, oh.
Hence the match day scarves fresh from Henry Street.
Hey, we have to get the street trader's face.
We're all part of Hamers' Army.
Sorry, Mash, can we still be prune neutrality in part of an army or...
Come on, Ellen, Jackie Erlaw.
All right, calm down, Pierce.
You're frightening people.
They're looking over at our table.
Oh, sorry, I've just warned you.
Because the government's an action on heating oil prices are not enough of a cut on petrol.
It's an abomination.
Shush, shush, shush.
Never mind, parish-pom politics.
Pierce is after inventing petrol-pom politics, hey.
That's quite good, I see.
Yeah, Pierce's perpetual petrol rage is an energy source.
We should be tapping into his kinetic fury,
which generation of power to keep the national grid going till Grimbo.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
This is amusing to you all.
Quirney messing, look, I can't stand the pressure anymore.
It's only after start.
I have to go to the Lou, but I'm terrified.
I'm just a flash of Troy Parrot's ab fab ab chance.
There's a chance.
Penalty! Penalty!
Two, one.
I can't watch it.
If we go to Penal's community, you see R.T.
You had to cut away from a live broadcast
because fans were singing up the run, the background.
There are people.
We just need to bring that away,
match energy to the ballot box and Dublin sense.
I don't be telling Arlene Faust,
or she's trying to outlaw up the rash.
She just got back in the house of Lord's Null.
Chopara Freys, Dexys, Midnight runners.
Come on, Arlene.
She's just raging.
She's no longer relevant enough to be named
checked in a kneecaps arm.
Ah, here, ref!
What? Nothing happened.
I see.
You see, match, my approach to football
is the same as my approach to economic stuff.
I don't get it.
I just parrot sound bites and hope nobody asks
any follow-up questions.
Oh, God.
Listen to me, Parrot!
God, he's on the brain.
Right, I'm risking it.
I'm going to the Lou.
Bye, Arlene.
Bye, Arlene.
Bye, Arlene.
I don't understand that.
What happened?
It's over.
What happened?
We lost, hey!
So that's it.
No more crack.
No more jokes about naming the airport after Troy.
Never again.
No more celebration.
Our catastrophic national disposition
for depression, manifesting,
and chronic abuse of alcohol
as a distinct cultural heritage.
What?
Ah, the poor young lads and hums.
What do we have to look at the brights, eh?
Mr. Brights, eh?
No.
What then?
At least a cell of fuel crisis for us to reage a bite.
Performers of fury.
That's all we've got to look forward to now.
Ah, Jesus and Jerry wept.
Check, please.
Ah, check.
That's very funny.
Zepis.
Hello, it's Tommy here.
The quiescent, wispel version.
With my hash-rowled, further and further up my head,
each time you see me like a sort of conamara, yarmulka.
Or a ladswold foreskin!
Ha, cracked.
Loud.
And an appropriate Tommy is here as well.
And you know, like we're discussing,
you know, there's a lot of dreams of a nation
in the land of many days.
Yes, check here.
The Czech Republic, Czechoslovakia.
Check, please.
Ah, come on, man, quiet, Tommy.
I suppose, like, ah, what does any of us like?
Ah, do you know mean, Tommy?
Jocks are going to Stuttgart right now
to really go and smack my listy to the horse lips.
Not the van.
Go here.
The lips of a belly-farmate horse singing.
Put them under pressure.
Woo-hoo!
Beautiful push.
What does it say about us as a people?
That's where we face these Ciciffy
and watch sporting arts with a kind of manic.
Mortgage the house for a Czechoslovakian mentality, do you know?
We're like an island of silent lunatics
clinging to a mossy rock in the Atlantic.
Right.
Wrap my Mickey in a banana sense
and your American Tinks word work.
Ah, yeah!
Gosh, there's portally in that.
See there?
No.
So what you're saying is we define victory.
Yes.
Not by winning, but by something more ephemeral like.
Chite.
Like, you like.
Ah, ah, ah.
Like, like, like, powerful like.
Christ.
Like a song you're heard.
In a dream.
Or like.
Like, like, like a fart at funeral.
No, tell me what I'm saying is.
Paint my hair a screen.
Stick a flare between me hairy cheeks
and point me towards King Charles.
You're sort of saying like it's our post-colonial misery
busting out of our bones with the unrestrained mockness.
You know, the joy.
What's he saying?
Of a spring lamb whose wool might someday become
a tiny fisherman's hat.
Atop a wistful,
navin' chateau presenters.
Cranium-like.
No, you have it.
Oh, Leo, leave me down in a bit of canvary roses.
And let Troy Parris pick her out for the nut, even.
Oh.
Yeah, bastard.
This is a powerful turfit.
Do you mind if I just pause the interview and stare at you
with watery eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time?
You do, you quieter wistful tummy, but I can't stop.
I'm like a shark.
If I ever stop lipping around and contorting myself
like an electrocute and moron stanzor,
shouting, travener, George.
I'll drown for sure.
Yeah, cos like football is like a lot like life.
Really, isn't it?
Is the match over, by the way?
Did we win?
Jesus did we win?
I don't know.
I spent the night watching, you know,
mass on a stone wall slowly absorbing the morning dew
and the concept of its own mortality, do you know?
Can I just say?
Let me and sheep dip.
This spring, let's celebrate Irish current affairs content
with its dizzy variety of shows
and splashy diversity of voices.
Sorry, if I could just come in here and say...
You're playing senior hurling, though.
No, it's a heel-fellow, well-met,
softer, polished, pumped job of workers.
As the old adage, its economy stupid is.
Wait, sorry, what was the question again?
Every week, fine panels like Fiona and she
and Alison O'Connor, Dan O'Brien, Brenda Power and David Quinn.
Not to mention, Fiona and she and Alison O'Connor,
Jared Howlin, Brenda Power and David Quinn.
With distinct formats, the radio panel,
the TV panel, the podcast panel,
the podcast panel that used to be a radio panel,
the newspaper panel,
the can-you handle the panel panel,
and the late night panel,
all fearlessly asking the big questions
and nearly answering them in a broadly-samesy way.
In a broadly-samesy way.
Can I make the point, please,
an old saying in politics
if you're explaining, you're losing.
One drink, just who is the adult in the room here?
We need to have an honest conversation about
let's call a spade, a spade.
And I just kick the can further down the road.
And as someone booked a taxi for me,
I have to be in my corny house for a little bit
of these panel yokes.
Please don't mention yokes in relation to news talk.
There's enough trouble with the hash machine, as it is like.
I wish panel shows with their unique traits
like the ritual mention of optics.
Whatever might the story be?
I wish panel shows with their unique traits
of the mention of optics.
Whatever might the substance of it,
the optics are terrible.
Pundits aggressively agreeing with one another.
Can I come in here because I just have to say
I really agree with what Dan has just said.
And if I could just finish, I was actually about to say
I also agree with Dan.
Panelists pretending to be in touch with ordinary people.
I'm just not convinced the people at home
care about the ins and outs of their journalists
invoking serious questions.
There's serious questions to be answered here.
Questions that won't be answered here.
So that issue will have to wait for another day.
Hosts pointlessly interjecting on behalf of people
who aren't listening to the program and have no intention
of taking legal action.
Unknown furnace, Benjamin Netanyahu isn't here
to defend himself.
And presenters asking contributors to conclude
complicated issues in an unreasonably short period of time.
Okay, okay.
We've one minute here, but can you sum up the geopolitical
socio-economic and hecomonic consequences
of escalating multipolar conflict
in a context of complex global interdependence?
Irish current affairs panels.
They're same again.
Fresh outrages, familiar sentences.
That's all we've time for.
Callers, kicks.
Hello, you've reached
Seymour Helgrim since fun.
Please leave a message after the tone
and I will get back to you once the pain has subsided.
Always the pain.
Heimer!
How are you looking at the match there, lad?
Penalties are the pits, boy.
I nearly webby self, I was so nervous, smacked.
Yeah, I know you have someone to do with the eight
pints of cider you had, lad.
He wouldn't believe how hard it is to find bulmers
and brag, lad.
Come here, Heimer!
He's done the nation proud.
Thank you, on behalf of all the lads
and their late tarteys still squeezing themselves
into aircom jerseys.
Where'd it go? I feel like Mary Antoinette.
Bet into a corset.
Howdy here, you were amazing.
Another result we wanted.
But listen, don't go anywhere.
Cause we've a slot on the Leite Leite show.
Boys in grief, special.
You try Seymour's epoxy tissues and me cry.
More than any other show.
Sorry, call me back.
Let's do this.
Because if there's one thing we excel at as a nation,
it's better sweet homecomings,
dripping in platitudes like you
gave us something to cheer about.
Amazing.
One more time, for true.
Oh, a carer.
Octorant Catherine Carling.
I just want to share my commissarations
about last night's defeat to Jekia.
Such disappointment.
But you let depth on the bench.
If you don't mind me saying,
Alan Brown and Robbie Brady
are crocked.
Next time, give me a ring.
They don't call me the cantiner of Shantella
for nothing.
I'll even do a flying kick
for you.
Live from New York.
It's Saturday night.
No, not really. Live from Limerick.
It's actually March in the morning.
No, you're on my show right now.
Live from Montreal's day,
founding here in Gold.
Yeah, how are you doing?
Don't sponsored by Mothballs.
Mr. Lerick FM, I've heard the prune Jews ads come on.
Hello, trimester Fanning.
A new SNL was launched.
The British version.
Yes, how's my teen affair?
And our monologue was just a bunch of
different British accents to be honest.
Oh, hilarious.
Nailed every regional peculiarity.
More please.
Then they did a sketch where a British comedian
did a bunch of Irish accents.
Oh, sorry, just completely inaccurate and offensive.
Shut them down.
No Irish comedians unless the cars are counting
and Nicola Cochley was the other Irish on the show, of course, as well.
We should call that woman microplastics.
Why?
Because she's an absolutely everything now.
Oh, she marches.
What else has happened?
Claudia Winklemann has a new chat show.
The other one, she already presents traitorous crops.
The great British sewing bee.
Head and shoulders out.
She's hoovering up every gig going.
She's the two Johnny's of British telly.
There I said it.
Yeah, very good.
Mind you, I've hosted many, many shows.
I wish you could hinder trellit
from everyone's memory.
Deleted, yeah. But of course, she did have Nailhorn
and Joelle McNally on her second show.
And now everyone loves this.
Of course, the Irish.
We just show up everywhere, don't we?
As reliably as the racist relative in every family WhatsApp group.
For god's sake, there's also this mad story about Chappell Rowan.
Have you heard this one, Marty?
No, should I care?
But she's at war with Jude Lars, 11-year-old daughter
for looking at her sideways at a hotel breakfast.
Her car was hogging the toast carousel
that I'm with the child.
No, no, what? But anyway, the row has been raging
and all the new sites all week. It's online.
It's on TikTok.
Who cares, Dave?
Yeah, but the girl's mother grew up in Tipper Airy.
Oh, riveting. I know.
I want to know everything. Get her cousins on the phone
and the principal of her old school.
She even auditioned for your star,
hosted by Linda Martin herself.
Oh, a reminder of your revision, which is all dead now.
Makes Marty sad.
Bye.
Gather round, spin team.
The Alpha Harris is in the room.
Pupil!
Minister!
We're here to assess whether I'm in danger
of slipping into beta territory.
What are the markets saying about my vibes?
Polly Market has you a 31% probability
of being described as convincing by, maybe Christmas?
Wow, that's huge. That's nearly half believable.
It's more like less than a third.
I don't do trigonometry.
What?
We're Harris Maxing people. Good job.
What's Harris Maxing?
It's when you lock in on Alpha Governance.
Lock in.
Well, the good news is that the way people see you
seems to be a direct reflection of your media engagement style.
Which is, confusing, uncajsoned as you near 40
and overextend with too many clashing roles in politics.
Yeah, yeah, wasn't listening.
I was thinking about how to define Harris Maxing.
It's the fact that I'm minister for finance,
who's also thornished for a queer leader and anti-immigration hobbyist.
It's the classic accumulator combo,
already driving gambling dads just love.
Perhaps if you dropped one of those positions,
people would have a clearer idea of what you do.
And how would people know how important I am?
No, no, no. I think I'll continue taking on more duties.
I've been doing something with excise duties.
I read somewhere.
Yes, you cut excise duties this week.
I did? Is that good? What is it?
It's a tax on fuel.
That's right, right, yes.
You know, fuel cart.
Revenue.
I knew that. Yes, I was just testing the room.
However, you did almost nothing for families
relying on home heating oil.
A bunch of kerosene cooks.
A lot of them.
The cruelty of that move is purling really well with men
who have pictures of cars as their profile photos.
My dream demographic.
How I just want them to love me.
Somebody measure my clavicle.
But first, I want more, Harris Maxing thoughts.
Maybe if you delivered things like your promise
of 200 euro a week, child care?
Consider that suggestion blocked.
You pledged a road map on achieving it by day 100 back in office.
Okay, what day is it now?
The promise is 330 days overdue.
However, I'm a fast-talking manosphere high achiever.
I'm too busy to actually do this stuff.
What about making a decision on that 700 million euro
vat cut for hospitality in this summer?
Well, I'm as vat curious as the next dude.
But I can't you turn on that.
No.
Struggling businesses like Burger King and McDonald's
need that saving.
It's Mack Maxing.
But you, you turn on everything else.
Didn't you even promise three Pfizer jets like a year ago?
Pew pew, yes.
Where are they?
Lost in the haze of commitments you've been asking Google
for the right to be forgotten on.
Even though there's no need, journalists can't remember any of your
reversals anymore.
They don't even mention your scoliosis, shame.
They're so tired.
Well, at least I delivered on my social media ban for under 16.
All to a year ago, and no, you've totally demolished that pledge.
It's you turn, Maxing.
Block!
It wasn't a you turn, it was an agile pivot.
Very silicon, valley, bro energy.
People are also tired of you announcing things already announced.
Anyway, how's the JCM data looking?
Sorry, JCM?
Jennifer Caramel McNeil.
Our children's hospital has missed 18 deadlines disgraceful.
18.
I think that's why they called it COVID-19, no.
Why are you so obsessed with her, man?
Soon Zeus said to know your enemy in the art of war.
You did?
I mean, I haven't read it, but Chuck C.P.T.
sums it up for me in five amaze balls, bullet points.
Pew pew!
I read three of them.
She's polling better than you.
What?
How?
What is her secret?
As far as we can see, her winning PR tactic has to remain mostly quiet,
and only speak when it's about her specific breed.
No, she's quiet, mugged me.
Well, in that case, I will have to be silent.
Oh!
Oh!
He's...what's he...
Ah!
How long did I last?
You barely paused for a breath.
Okay, team, final question.
Am I believable as a man in finance yet?
Uh...
The data suggests you're becoming...
Increasingly enanceable.
Yeah!
Fine, that will do.
An answer bill is the new believable.
Dismissed!
Pew pew!
