What Did the Dog Say When He Sat on the Sandpaper

0:00What did a little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Ruff, ruff. Correct, pay that man $8. Why don't the girls in Sun Valley take Sunbass? Because the mountains peak. Correct, pay that man $9 because... It pays to be ignorant. As any half hour with those masters of insanity, Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the nail-up girl Lula McConnell, and featuring Doc Novich's orchestra. But now, here's the man who proves it pays to be ignorant. Tom Howard. Well, here is that quiz program again, which has all the educators hovering, Uncle, with a board of experts who are so up on current events that are going to vote for McKinley this election. First, we have to celebrate Arthur, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who is just written a book entitled,

1:00He Who Carries Tales, Makes a Monkey of Himself. But here he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton. I have a poem, Mr. Howard. I see. I knew a young girl named Passion. I asked her for a date. I took her off for dinner. My...how Passionate. How Passionate. That's terrible. All right, please. Let's get on here. Next, we have a woman who should have been born in the dark ages because she looks terrible in the light. A woman who...a woman who once she wears slacks, looks like she's walking around sitting down. Here she is, Miss Lolo McNaughton. You know, Mr. Howard? I had the nicest compliment paid to me yesterday. You did? Yep. And at a larder. A larder? Yep. He offered me $2,500 if I let him paint me. Let him paint you? Yep. Did you accept his offer? I was tempted to. When I think it out, I want a terrible job. I'll have scraping all that paint off of me. Yeah, that would be tough. Yeah, it wouldn't be worth a $2,500. All right, let's get on here. Next, we have a man whose pan should be under somebody's ice box. A man who can count up to 20 without taking his shoes off.

2:02Here he is, Mr. George Helps. So he's thinking about painting Mr. Hart. I tell you about my uncle Webb put up on the farm. No. You know, yeah, he was painting one of his big bonds up there. And he fell off a 60-foot ladder. Good, and so is he hurt? Nope. Didn't even get a scratch. You mean your uncle fell off a 60-foot ladder and didn't get a scratch? That's right. He fell off the hoist wrong. He fell off the roof. Then, Sarah, Mr. Schellen, you should have your neck wrong for that one. Now, let's get on here. Here's the first question. Pay attention to if we can get an answer tonight. Now, let's put our best foot forward. Would you please? Right. There's a question. Is it true that Eskimos, Robbie, each other's noses, and why do they do it? Why do they do it? Why do they Robbie, each other's noses? Maybe they're rich? Maybe they're rich. All right. Mr. Tannel, do you know what an Eskimo is? That's a sort of a pie, ain't it? No, no, it's an ice cream in it. No, no, no, no. Oh, that's silly. I mean, why would a couple of pies rub each other's noses? No, no. In the first place of pie, I haven't got a nose. I see. Oh, you had an awful lot of crust. He had a lot of crust, pull a leg, yeah.

3:03Yeah, he had a normal one. You told Mr. Schellen. Yeah, I guess I did. Why don't you go outside and get hit with a truck? Let's get on here, please, with a program. It's about Eskimos. Now, look. Eskimos. Yes? In the last couple. Oh, in Alaska. Oh, that's a pretty cold country up there that I've known. Yeah. You know, I understand that they put alcohol in their whiskey. Up in the last couple. Oh, I know it well, you know, Alaska. It's very cold up there. I had an uncle who lived up there one day stooped over the Thai shoe, and froze to death, right in that position in the visit. Oh, heavens, that was terrible. Yeah. It's awful too, but we had to bury him in a base drum. I am not, oh, I see. Oh, can you beat that? Oh, never mind. Please, when you cut out so awful puns, Mr. MacGotton, why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? Oh, I tied that once and it ran all over the furniture. The sap ran all over the furniture? Yeah, from then on, we had maple furniture. It isn't that cute. I'm incorrigible tonight. You are incorrigible. Maybe not. Ah, you are. Not only are you incorrigible.

4:03You're nutty if you know what I mean. We're talking about Alaska. What is incorrigible, what does it mean? Never mind. Let us tell you what no, Mr. Shell. I wouldn't like it up in Alaska. You wouldn't like it in Alaska. No, I certainly wouldn't. I would never want time. I got a frostbite. I want you to do it. I'll bit right back. You'll bit back. You'll bit back. You'll bit back. You have to whip, Mr. MacGotton. Let's get off. Oh, you had him in that night. I don't like that cold weather up there. I remember one time I was stopping at a farm up in Minnesota. And before he was at cold, I woke up one morning and the pump was frozen stiff. The pump. The milk was stiff. The cows were stiff. The chickens were stiff. I wasn't too so bad myself. I was. I was. It gets cold out where I live in the winter. It gets cold where you live. I remember one morning last winter. I woke up and was 10 in my room. 10 in your room. I couldn't sleep with that many in my room. You're getting silly. The question is why do escamos rub noses? Cimicard, did you know that the escamos rub noses the first three years?

5:05And then the fourth year they kiss. The first three years, the fourth year they kiss. That's not what you know. The fourth year they kiss. That's lit here. That's lit here. That's lit here.

6:42That's lit here. That's fine. Thank you, Dr. Novak. That was played very short and very sweet. By the way. By the way, the change tonight, let's hear from one of our contestants.

7:43We have invited two members of the studio audience up here in the stage. They can ask the experts a question if they get in and tell you the answer. We give them Alaska. If they don't, we give them a copy of this week's Liberty Magazine. Oh, Cimicard. Oh, I saw Liberty Magazine just today. Yes. Just out. Just out today. And I'm paying respect. And there's a picture of four of the homeless looking people I have a sore mind. Oh, they're the most stupid looking, Mr. Schilden, do you realize what you're saying? That's the picture of the poor of us. It is? Yes. Oh, it was a nice picture. It was a nice picture, right, St. But I tell Mr. Schilden, does he say anything about us? Yeah, there was some writing there. I'm going to get a follow-up to read it to me after the program tonight. I say an interpreter, right? Yeah, an interpreter. You mean you can't read? No, I can't write neither. It can't write neither. You mean you never learned to write? No, I think the West East will learn not to write it and I couldn't read what I'd write to the written. Well, let it go. You can't talk either.

8:44It's pretty hard. Yeah, let's get on here. We got a guest here. We're very glad to have you with us. How do you feel? Just fine. I see. That's very nice. What did you say our friend's name was? Did we get to that? Well, we didn't know him at the time. Well, suppose we do what he'd like to know. I mean, he's a nice looking chap. Yes, he is. And his name is Corporal Karl Hansen. And he's a member of the United States Army Air Corps. That deserves a hand. That's what. That's what Corporal has very nice, my brother. We're glad to have you with us. How do you feel? Just fine. That's a boy you look great. You certainly look great. What do you do right here or not? You're in for 25 bucks. Let me tell you that right now. We're very, very glad to have you with us. Where is your hometown? What do you care to tell us? Fair Haven, New Jersey. Fair Haven, New Jersey. Well, think of that. Been down there lots of times. In fact, I know the entire police force in Fair Haven. Yes, there. He's a very nice fellow. I've talked to him many times. Can I start? Can he say Fair Haven, New Jersey? Fair Haven, New Jersey.

9:45Well, squirt our hoes on me and call me a drip. I like to very much. I used to work in that town. You did? Yeah. I was electrician in a jelly factory. You were an electrician in the jelly factory? I used to put the currents in the jelly. That's terrible. There are lots of jobs. I get in a jam and they... But you're getting worse. Will you keep five Mr. Schilder and those puns are getting unbearable? I say, corporal, you know, speaking about the army, I saw a very funny thing today. I saw a kernel with both Eagles on one shoulder. Both Eagles on one shoulder? Why was he like that? Meeting season. I guess. Very killed this, my God. Very killed. May I ask you something? Corporal, what did you do before you entered the service? I was a letter carrier. Oh, a letter carrier? In Fair Haven. Well, isn't that great? A mailman?

10:45Yeah. That's wonderful about that old man, a mailman. Oh, man. You're saying I'll write punny tonight, Mr. Schilder. Okay, as I tell me, Corporal, if I mail a letter tonight, will he get to Philadelphia tomorrow? Yes, I think it will. Well, that's funny. It's the best of Chicago. I don't want to die. Oh, boy. I'm so mature, do you, Schumpke? I know. I know a censor on them, Corporal, but they're at that age now where they need a teething ring, if you know what I mean. What's your first name, honey? Carl. Carl? Carl. Oh, is that a cute name? It'll love me smile, he's got me. Yeah, he's not. Any cute, he's just a love. All right, wait. Cut it out. So you could not cry me. How do you do it? Cut it out. What? Go ahead, Mr. McCormick. Why does one of you call me honey, new balance? You want to call you honey, new balance. Ah, because I'm so nice and sweet. Yeah. You're just as round and mushy, too. LAUGHTER

11:47Papa, before we get in much of a mess with these nits, what's your, I tell you what you better do if you will help us out here. Would you reach into the dumps cap there and sort of pick out a question for us, if you will? If you don't mind, would you read the question? Just read it into the microphone and that nice fair haven voice, of yours. What kind of power is used to run an electric engine? Did you hear that, gentlemen? What kind of power is used to run an electric engine? Now, that's a very good question. Oh, rather, I like a question like that, you know, it's got a lot of up and go about it. Yeah. I used to go with a young man once. He sure had a lot of up and go about him. Yeah, what happened to him? He opened with me. LAUGHTER All right, the question we have before us is about electric engine. Oh, electric engine. Cylistar, as I tell you, they're going to build a railroad down in my town. And they're going to run the railroad right through my house. Right. You're going to be awfully busy, you know, opening and closing the doors. I'll leave the land, ladies. Do that. Yeah, that's a good idea.

12:48I think so. The gravels don't sit in the draft. Let's get on there. I'm too old for the draft. I'll never mind, please. Do I have you know anything about electric engine? You will believe this, Mr. Hart. No, I certainly will not. You will believe this. No, go ahead. But I've just completed an invention that will revolutionize the whole railroad system. Yeah? What is it? Well, I have an invention where two engines can run on the same track going in opposite directions. No, wait a minute. You mean a train leaving New York for Chicago when a train leaving Chicago for New York and both use the same track? Yeah, yeah. Well, tell me something. What happens when they meet? Oh, but they don't meet. That's where my invention comes in. Uh-huh. Look, I'm a sucker for getting into this thing. But how can you... We bet them for me in the past.

15:30Now, let's get back to these three old proverbs. Do we have sitting in front of us here? Here is the next question. Play attention. Which American president do you associate the Monroe Doctrine with? That is a nice question. Mr. Hart, I hate to do this, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to repeat the question, Mr. McDonald. I'll be glad to watch the matter of your ears. What which American president do you associate the Monroe Doctrine? Did I tell you about CityWright, Mr. Howard? I got to do with it. She's been doctrine for the past week. She's been doctrine, yeah. I got to tell you to take two aspirin followed by a hot bath. But she got the aspirin done all right. But you had a terrible time drinking the bath. I imagine she did. All right, please, Mr. Collins, anyone explains you to me. I certainly would not believe them. We're talking about the Monroe Doctrine. What president is associated with it? It wouldn't be Madison, would it? No, it wouldn't be Madison. That's what I said. It wouldn't be Madison. I know you. I know you. Maybe it's Lexington. Why do you say Lexington?

16:31Well, Lexington is right next to Madison. I know. No Fifth Avenue Madison, Lexington. Yeah. The River? The River. Fall in there. What do you other next time you're down that way? It's about a president we're talking about. Well, I was a little dull. I wanted an essay contest. Yes. And the president invited me to the White House to give me a medal. Mr. McCall, I don't believe President Lincoln went in for that sort of thing. That shows how much you know. Uh-huh. I don't believe Lincoln. It was a grand. All right. All right. That's what Donald Grant, you're all right. Let's get on here. Please, speak about president. I wonder why we never had a woman president. Well, that's simpleness to share with him. Here? The president, you see, has to be at least 35 years old. We're going to find a woman who'll admit she's 35. I see a point. Yes. We still have the question about the president. Which one is associated with the Montrose doctor? Please, speak about president's tower. Tell me something. Why did he make such a fuss about president Lincoln starting out as a president? And starting out as a barefoot boy. Well, don't you think it's remarkable that anyone's starting out as a barefoot boy. Should go up to the president.

17:32What's the remarkable? Did you ever hear of anyone being born with shoes on his feet? Now, will you please try and answer the question? The first thing you know, I'll fire the whole bunch of you. Then how will you keep the wool from the door? Oh, the wool from the door? Oh, the wool from the door. Oh, let them in. The good eye. The bad eye. The bad eye. The bad eye. Oh

18:37Thank you, Dr. Novitz. Thank you. That was very very refreshing. Who is our next contestant Mr. Robert? Our next contestant Mr. Howard is your your third class Rose Elias of the way. Oh Believe me, Mr. Lyas, welcome to a place to be ignorant. You're looking very cheekless even I must say. Where is your own town would you care to tell us? Niagara Falls, New York. Niagara Falls, New York, wow. I didn't think that place was running yet. Well, it's very nice. Very nice to have you with it. Well, I've been there to have Mr. Howard my other four. Oh, rather yes. In fact, I knew a very charming girl

19:39who lived there. Yes. She's in uniform now though. She's in the following service. In the foreign service here, she's a waitress in the Hungarian restaurant. You know, that's a quintessess, you know, what? That's a, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. In my glialison uniform to Mr. Howard, she drives a garbage wagon she does. She's a whiff she's a whiff. I just got wind of it. Alright. That must be a swill job, you know. Oh, I'm a perfect idiot tonight. Yeah, let's make not none of us are perfect. Let's get on here. We're very glad to have you with us. Very glad. Yeah, I love your uniform, honey. You do. You look so nice in us. I love pretty clothes. Yeah, why don't you wear something? I'll have you know I was voted one of the ten best dress women. Now, Mr. McCone, you are the ten best dress women. I won't give you any longer, Miss. But you reach into the dumps cap there and pick out a question for us. And would you be

20:40kind enough to read the question please? Just read it right into microphone if you will. Who was Hamlet talking to in his famous? For you helper out there, Mr. Schellen. Yes. Who was Hamlet talking to in his famous? Oh, right. That's a very interesting question. Yes, very jolly question. Yeah, we want to find out now who Hamlet was talking to. Would you mind repeating it? Would you maybe Mr. Schellen could read it? Could you about have it for him? Yeah, had it to Mr. Schellen. Yeah. Who was Hamlet talking to him? Who was Hamlet talking to in his famous? All right, let's call it soliloquy. How is that? Well, that's one of these scumolequy. All right, please. Who was Hamlet talking to in his famous soliloquy? Who was in the soliloquy with him? What did he mean? Who was in the soliloquy? There was no one in it with him. No one there. Who was he talking to? He wasn't talking to anyone. But you just asked, who was he talking to? Okay, okay. Now you say one,

21:41don't you say one? Why don't you make up your mind? All right, file them about it. I'll make up one for you too. Those, those remember the famous speech in Hamlet at the games with Tabi or not Tabi. That is the question. Oh, that's the question. To be or not to be. To be or not to be what? To be or not to be nothing. That's silly. It's the first question yet. But that is not the question. Mr. Howard, you just said it was. I said no to you. You should not try to warm out of it. You said to be or not to be that was the question. I didn't say that. Hamlet said it. Let's tell them, boom out. Mr. Howard, you're a member, so not only that. I'm never joining. I say, look in the play of Hamlet. In the play of Hamlet, there's a scene where Hamlet is on the stage that where that's where he does his famous soliloquy. Yes. It reads to be or not to be. That is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take

22:46arms against the sea of trouble and by opposing ends. That was beautiful, Mr. Howard. You're right, but. Yeah. Do you know the face of the bar room floor? Certainly. The bar makes me cry. It does. All right. With the barmy summer evening and the goodly crowd was there that well-known I filled Jones Barroom with the corner of the square and at the songs of Whitty's sake. That's the part of Hamlet I like. Now, let's get on here. What a bike heart and about. Look, Hamlet was alone on the stage. Mr. Howard, you say he was all alone on the stage? That's right. Now, who was he talking to? The face on the bar room floor. He was. He was talking to the audience. He was not talking to the audience. You mean the audience wasn't there neither? It must have been a lousy show.

25:39Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, folks, by this time you've probably realized that you've done better if you've sat around the house and just played your guitar. Oh, that's silly. You know, you don't play a guitar, old boy. That's sort of information of the news or fruit. Now, Mr. Big Notting, you're talking about guitar. Guitar. That's my favorite magazine. What? Harpers guitar. Harpers. That's Harpers, bizarre. Oh, I hate to disagree with you, Mr. Hard. You haven't mind a wild animal. It looks like a leopard. What are you talking about? Look, I think you mean a jaguar, Mr. Shell. The jaguar. A very powerful animal. Yellow and

26:40color. Big claws. Large body. Pointed ears and big feet. Now we're back to Mr. McCommer again. Ah, what feels? Now folks, you realize what we mean when we say? It pays to be ignorant. To be dumb. To be dense. To be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant. Just like me. And it's bad. Not to know too much. Be a dope. Your IQ shouldn't show too much. Your brains shouldn't grow too much. Wait and see. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service. When I was just a school kid, I wasn't awfully blind. I had a credit teacher who made me stay in each night so you see it pays. To be ignorant. Have no brain being saying just be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant. Just like me.