“What I’m Hearing You Say Is …”

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Well communication is a two-way street. In our relationship there's what I say and

there's what DNA hears and sometimes there's a gap. What do you do about that?

Well I'm John Fuller joined by Greg and Erin Smalley and they lead the focus on

the family marriage team. It's a joy to work with them. Greg was there a moment or

two or ten when you and Erin were talking and you said one thing or maybe she

said one thing and what was heard was wildly different? Very much so and I

think to be totally honest I have gotten into a very bad habit as of late. So let

me admit to the mistake which is... You've got Erin looking like a very curious

which is believing that I know exactly what she meant by something that she said.

And so we've dealt with this a few times over the last couple months to where she

will you know we're talking about something whatever maybe it turns into a

harder moment and then I'll know that what she just said was very snarky or you

know sarcastic something and so I'll go okay can we can we dispense with the

sarcasm there and she's like I wasn't being sarcastic at all and I'm going okay

I know you 34 years of marriage I know you that that was totally sarcastic in

and that's a horrible way to show up inside my marriage and anyone to show up

inside their marriage because what it what it does is that there's a there's a

pride there there's an arrogance there there's a I know what you meant like I don't

care what you say I know what you meant and even if I was pretty close even if

maybe what I said was even right challenging her it's just it's not the right

way to show up a better way is to go and this is kind of what Erin I even talked

about is to go well it it felt like your response to me that that felt I heard

it a little bit more sarcastic what is that right because as I've done that

and eventually so I'm saying I do a wrong I tell her what I know she meant

yeah and then she'll go yeah I really didn't mean it that way and and and

thus we can then get past that and to talking about what would really happen

yeah but so it's I know better that the mind reading the assumption I mean we all

know what that does and it's just there's moments that that I just I'm so convinced

that I'm right and that she's wrong and I want to admit that she's wrong hey

maybe that's it maybe I just I'm so fatigued of mid I'm so fatigued of it

admitting that I'm wrong it's nice when she has to admit it hmm I wonder what

you need to help you regain strength I need some time along with my look at

that's probably look at the time speaking up let's move on shall we as we hear

from focus on the family president Jim Bailey he spoke with Rob and Gina

flood who had a lot of these communication issues show up early in their

marriage they're a little more seasoned now and they share some great

perspectives let me pick up on this same theme because you guys really

experienced this where one of you was saying something that was misunderstood

and it described an example or two of how that impacted your relationship

Gina can still happen no it still happens no it's a great it's still because it's

true yeah it's there's no perfection this side of heaven right and so we're

gonna stumble hopefully we have longer periods of time where we can run the

good race but somewhere along the line we do trip a little I think the tools

that are in Rob's book are excellent there are tools that we use in our

communication regularly the tools that we've either heard about along the way

read about along the way developed and those tools I think are really the

foundation they really are one is mirroring what were you getting at Rob when

you talked about mirroring so this is a wonderful let me give an example from

that first year of our marriage and how mirroring would have helped we had a

disposition of judging one another we were not being gracious there was no

charity we were giving to one another and so if she would say to me very

innocently if she were to say hey Rob if you take him the trash out what I'm

hearing is you think I'm lazy and negligent okay you can see that's gonna go

well I love the reminder if I said to her what time is dinner she's thinking oh

he doesn't think I'm gonna cook for him tonight there there was this this

judgment we're adding but not voicing right so the tool of mirroring there for a

couple that's looking to work through some of these misunderstandings she says

you know have you taken the trash out the best response is for me to say oh no I

haven't thanks for the reminder but if I'm in a bad place and I'm offended by

that otherwise innocent comment if I want our marriage to press towards

godliness I need to respond by saying you know hey sweetheart did you mean to

judge me as lazy what did you mean when you said that were you just asking me to

take the trash out that kind of clarifying question that mirrors back to her

what it is that I heard her say and now she gets to say oh no no no that's not

what I meant at all and in the tool in the chapter on that tool of mirroring one

of the most important pieces of this tool is that the person who originally

made the statement in this case it'd be Gina she gets to decide what she meant

and didn't mean right right so she says you know did you take out the trash when

you say that Gina are you are you meaning to judge me no no I'm not well yes

you are well now I've just obliterated the tool because I'm committed to

conflict I'm the fool in that moment committed to conflict but she gets to

decide what she meant if I say something if we're talking through a significant

parenting conversation and I I suggest that we don't discipline this way but

this way she could think well he doesn't want to discipline he doesn't want

to punish the kid all she has to say is so here's what I'm hearing you say and

now I get to say yes that's what I'm saying we get to move forward without

misunderstanding or no no that's not what I meant I get to decide what I meant

and then I clarify and we move on that's when the tool of mirroring really

hell yeah no that it's really good I like that and every couple at every stage

of their marriage can employ that the earlier you do it in your marriage the

better off you're gonna be as you're describing this something that pops into my

mind is when we come to a conversation with someone we're not just bringing

our words we're not just bringing our tone we're bringing that inner narrative

with us so if we are telling ourselves lies if I'm saying to myself you know I'm

struggling with I am a lazy wife I'm not doing this or he thinks I'm a lazy

wife all of that is going to come into the conversation as well and so it's on

us to make sure that we're believing truth absolutely

okay Aaron I'd like to dig in a little bit deeper on this idea of the

inner narrative that we have about our spouse so how do we assess what that

inner narrative is and how do we kind of break free of that which to do this

it's it means that you have to self reflect and really practice some self

awareness slowing it down so you can take a look inside to go what is happening

for me often the story we begin telling ourselves is kind of the worst case

scenario that we could ever imagine all fatalistic yes and is that true and we

start using those words always never should must have to and they're the

extremes and so really it's stepping away and going okay what am I feeling

right now I just heard this thing in the story begin to run what am I fearing

and what is the story that I'm telling myself and is it based in truth or is it

based in fear and often the story that runs rapidly is fear so it's stepping

back and putting that head of curiosity on both with ourselves as well as with

our spouse and you can always loop back and and let them know hey when you said

that thing I begin to feel overwhelmed and this story begin to run in my head

that it's always going to be like this it's never going to get better and I

want I'm curious what what goes on for you in that moment and really just

simmering it down inside acknowledging what's really going on inside helps it

to simmer down sure and then like you're saying you you follow that up with the

benefit of the doubt because it's essentially what you're saying is that if you

can hear the narrative challenge it then it at least goes okay maybe I'm

misunderstood that maybe probably not but there's a chance or how did I want

this to go yeah what was my heart longing for and can I show up and meet that

desire can God or can I request it of my spouse and it just makes it's such a

different ballgame when we talk about us and our perspective utilizing words

like I feel or I desire or I wanted and allowing your spouse to own their own

yard and stuff yeah that's good insight and that's reflective of why we're here

with this podcast why focus on the family has the the smallies leading our

marriage team and why we do so much to help marriage because there is a better

it often requires some looking inside and some thinking about the other

person differently and these podcasts are just tools to help you do that on a

consistent basis so we're grateful that you join us now we're gonna link over to

the entire conversation Jim daily had with Rob and Gina flood which includes their

testimony and additional tips that download is free the link is in the notes

and then we do have the book that Rob flood wrote called with these words five

communication tools for marriage and life get a copy from us when you make a

donation of any amount a one-time gift or a monthly pledge of any amount that

means so much to us here as we create so many resources to help families and

specifically to help marriages so donate today we'll send the book to you and

the details are in the show notes next time we'll hear from Dr. Randy Schrader

who has some ideas about forgiveness and moving toward restoration after your

spouse says something hurtful for now on behalf of Greg and Aaron Smiley and the

entire team thanks for joining us for the focus on the family strengthening marriage

podcast

live your truth a lot of people say that don't they but truth isn't something we

decide God has decided it for us and it's our job as believers to share his

truth with a world in need I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast

refocus with Jim daily I visit with fascinating guests about important

topics like gender confusion cancel culture and more while helping you

share God's love with others listen at refocus with Jim daily dot com