Why do bad things keep happening to me

0:00Start your business for the freedom of time. Now you're tired of the hustle and grind. There's gotta be a better way. It's time to listen to chill and prosper. Welcome to chill and prosper. You're ready to chill and prosper with Denise Duffield Thomas. Hey there, gorgeous! It's Denise Duffield Thomas here and welcome to this week's episode of Chill and prosper. It is the Virgo season. It is the month of September. I am a Virgo baby. I am 7th September. And what I love about Virgo season is that everyone starts talking about getting organized. Right? All the things that Virgo's love to do. And of course the theme for this month is definitely around getting organized with your money, getting rid of perfectionism and all of those things, which I know can be really hard. And guess what? You don't have to be super organized to feel in control and to feel like things are working for you. So I actually do have a little free e-book this month

1:02if you haven't downloaded. It's called the Virgo's Guide to Getting Organized with Your Money and Your Mindset. And that's at Denise. DT.com slash Virgo. Okay, so hopefully we've got some other Virgos in here as well. All right, so today on the pod, oh my god, I've never said that on the pod. I'm so cool now. We're talking about why the bad things keep happening. To me. And your bad things might be recurring things around your money, around your mindset, around boundaries, around clients. There could be patterns that are showing up again and again. And I really understand, and I really empathize, with how frustrating that can be. So let's talk about that, how we can get out of these cycles, how we can let them go for good. Okay. So what is your recurring thing? What is the bad thing that keeps happening?

2:02Okay, so let me give you a couple of examples that are relevant to money and business. So why do I keep on attracting bad clients? That could be a thing that's coming up for you again and again. Why do I keep on attracting bad clients? So you're not going to like the answer. I'm not one of those people who are like, you attract everything into your life in a way that makes you feel like crap when you hear that, right? Where it's like, you're the problem. You kind of are, but not in the way that you think. Okay. So sometimes shit happens. But it happens because there might be little signals that you're sending out. You're not necessarily attracting them, but there could be recurring things that you don't even realize are happening. Okay. So if you're someone who undercharges chronically undercharges, right, and you're like, why do I keep on attracting these clients who are taking advantage of me, who always want discounts? There are some really practical, oh, they're a go practicality coming up here. There are some really practical things that might be happening

3:04that are creating this recurring pattern. Okay. So cheap people who like to take advantage of people, tell other people about that, right? And so if you're the cheapest and you're always discounting, you're always terrible with your money boundaries, those people are going to tell their friends and be like, hey, this person is really, really cheap. That's going to be their selling point, right? This person's really, really cheap. They might even say, oh, this person sometimes doesn't charge me. So they're going to tell people that. And that is going to then attract people who also want that thing from you. Okay. That is what's going to happen. Do you attract it because you deserve it? No. There are some really practical considerations around that to manifesting. And that's really my manifesting philosophy sometimes is manifest means just to make real. Make it real. And so you're making this story real that you don't deserve more money because you are undercharging. And of course, people are going to keep on coming back

4:04when you have no money boundaries. Why wouldn't they? And they will tell their friends. And that's what will happen. You've made that real. Okay. The other thing happens though when you do start setting money boundaries, those people won't be attracted to you anymore. Because there will always be people who love a bargain but also love taking advantage of people. And they will not be attracted to you anymore because they will not be able to get what they want out of you. Okay. So that's how you stop the bad thing from happening. Okay. Is that you set boundaries. You say no. You stick to your pricing. You don't automatically discount and undercharge and undervalue yourself. So you can see that a lot of this bad stuff sometimes, it's practical. And then there is some inner work that you often have to do. So let me give you another practical example of this. One of my things, like the bad thing that could keep on happening for me, is that I would say yes to everything and I would overload my plate. And I would overcommit.

5:06Right? And so that's the bad thing. And I could sit in that and go, why are bad things? I'm like, why am I always doing this? Right? So the practical thing that I had to put into place is that I needed a gatekeeper. So I do not do customer service in my business. Because in my inbox, there will be so many requests of can Denise do this? Can you do this? Can you come on my podcast? Can you write a forward for my book? If I see those most of the time, I say yes, because I struggle with boundaries. Right? And then I could be just like, why are bad things? Why is my calendar so full? So I need that practical shield of having someone for my team go, yes, Denise would love to speak at your event. Here's her speaking package. Right? And then when people come back, oh, but she can speak for free, they'll be like, well, no, here are her speaking fees. Right? I needed that practical thing in place to save me from myself. That's the practical side. The inner worthiness stuff, though, is really important too.

6:09It's dealing with that self-talk of like, nobody will pay me for this. If I increase my prices, people will be mad at me. If I increase my prices, I'll lose all my clients. If I'm not constantly available to my clients, they'll think that I don't care about them. That's the inner work that you have to do as well to couple with the practicalities. Okay? Because otherwise, if we do the same thing over and over again, we get the same result. We know this. But yet we're always surprised by it. And we always think that somehow it's going to change without us changing our behaviour. So sometimes it is the fear that we have of setting boundaries. It's the fear we have of letting people down or saying no. It's the fear we have of valuing ourselves, our time, our expertise, all that kind of stuff. And so of course, the same things keep happening again and again and again. And it's not bad luck, right? But there's a book called The Luck Factor by Richard Weisman.

7:10And he talks about this study that he did around luck. And he put an advert in the paper. It was like, are you a lucky person? Are you an unlucky person? Come and do this study. And what they did was they hid money around out the front of where people were coming to get tested and to do these questionnaires. And part of the questionnaires was, you know, do lucky things happen to you? Did you find it? Did anything lucky happen today? And overwhelmingly, the people who found the money were the lucky people. And he really broke it down to be like, okay, what are their characteristics in here? And can you change? And one of the things is that lucky people expect lucky things to happen. And people who consider themselves unlucky expect bad things to happen. And unlucky things to happen. And so it becomes then part of your identity. And the practicality of that again is that you look for, you go, oh my God. And I do look for money. And you know what? In these last two weeks, I found two lots of money on the street, two lots.

8:11So one was I was just like coming into the petrol station. And I was like, oh my God, a five cent piece. And I'm always like, that's for me. And then I went, oh my God, there's another five cent piece. And I picked that up, that's for me. And I went in and I was like, oh, do you have a little tip jar or whatever I put in? She goes, no, I don't. I'll just keep it. And I was like, fine. And then I found 20 cents on the road. And I'm not going to do like a lost and founded, you lose 20 cents. Okay, so please don't add me on that. But I was like, I do expect that good things happen. And I go, I'm a money magnet. Right? And I've been with people who've just gone, no, I never win anything. I never find anything. And so of course they don't. And I was at like a county fair with somebody. And we played, you know, those clown games where you put the ping pong ball into the clown's mouth. And she goes, I never win anything. So I'm not going to play. And I went, oh, I'm going to play. So I put, you know, did my thing. And the guy he was his first shift ever. And he was just like flustered. And so he gave me like the best prize.

9:11Because he just couldn't, he was just like, I don't know, have this one. And I went, oh, cool. And I was like, that is such a metaphor sometimes for, you know, if you, like, believe that you're deserving, you believe that you're worthy of playing the game. Sometimes you get rewarded. And, you know, my friend, she couldn't win a prize because she didn't even play. And this isn't about gambling. It's just like changing that attitude sometimes of, I do find things. Good things do happen to me. And like, if I put something out there, some people will say yes. Instead of always thinking, well, no one's going to do it. No one's going to, like, buy my thing. No one's going to, no one wants this. Nothing's going to change. Because it doesn't, you don't, because you don't put yourself forward. And that's what Richard, Richard Wythman found. And it's a great book, The Luck Factor, is that people who self identified as lucky, they put themselves forward for things. They make themselves available for luck to happen. They put themselves in the vortex, so to speak.

10:14They play the game. And I listened to a really great podcast recently on this too. So let me take a quick break. And let's talk more about becoming luckier, an engineering success in your favour. All right. Let's speak to your second. Hi, I'm Sam McFarlane, founder of SAMSays. I'm a marketing strategist working with small business owners. I've read Denise's books and I'm part of Money Bootcamp as well as SMA. And honestly, her work has completely shifted how I think about money and pricing in my business. Denise stuffy autonomous has this incredible way of helping you realise the fear around money and actually step into your value. It's been a game changer, not just for me, but for how I support my clients as well. Okay, welcome back. So this is a really juicy episode talking about this idea of good luck and bad luck. And why are bad things keep happening and why, you know, why won't it happen to me? And so I was listening to Amy Poler's podcast called A Good Hang, Brilliant Podcast.

11:17John Cena was on it. And he was talking in this exact way of like, if I show up and if I'm reliable and if I have a good attitude, good things will happen to me. And I'm going to play my ticket. I'm going to put myself forward for things. I'm going to pitch myself. I'm going to do it. And it was just a great reminder, right? I think the thing that was really driving that for him as well is that he's very famous for having done the most maker wish wishes for field. And he's broken that record. And Amy said to him, you know, is that really hard to go there and you're around all this grief? And he's just like, no, because I know my job and it makes me so grateful. It makes me so grateful for, you know, my good health, my, my kids good health, whatever it is. But it's like, it makes me feel really present and grateful. And I'm like, that is such a good way to reframe things. It's like, I get to do this. I get to do it. And I'm putting myself out there to receive because I can.

12:22You know, like, do you really want to get to the end of your life and you went, wow, I waited that whole time for somebody to give me approval? I could have just given it to myself. What was I waiting for? Or I waited my whole life and I didn't write the book that I wanted to write because I was too scared. It's like, well, I had the capacity to do it. Why wouldn't, why wouldn't I have done that? So let's talk about this again, this concept of of luck. And can you turn it around? So I actually did not consider myself a very lucky person. And I've spoken before about how like, my mom was really, really lucky and like, she'd always win stuff. And I kind of had the perception of myself as unlucky in comparison to her, right? Because I was like, oh no, like, it's just not going to happen for me. And I would often get like, you know, just like bad things like bad debts or like unexpected expenses or things like that.

13:22And each time I just be like, see? And it becomes another one of those examples of like, see, it happened again. It happened again. It happened again. And again, remember some of these things are practical. If you're like, oh, why don't I keep on breaking down? It's like, well, you didn't put oil in it or you don't put the right petrol in it. Or it's just old, right? You didn't manifest that bad luck is that sometimes you need to upgrade things in your life to better work, right? But also I wasn't paying attention to lots of things in my life. So of course I was getting late fees and late fines and overdrawn fees. Not bad luck. I just, I really wasn't paying attention. So I decided to do this luck experiment. And to give myself the identifier of someone who was lucky. And it's like, one of the first questions that I would ask myself is, why not me? Why not me? I'm allowed to do this. I'm allowed to have that. I'm allowed to win. And I actually do now win a lot of things.

14:25So I often win like lucky door prizes and stuff like that. And I remember once I started to kind of, you know, make more money, I was like, oh no, it's inappropriate for me to win stuff. And even though I'd bought a ticket just like anyone else, right? And so I would often then like give it to someone else will take it or redraw it or whatever. And I remember one time sitting there and just going, it's okay for me to win. It's okay for me to be lucky. It's okay for me to have good things. And of course, then my name was the next draw to hell. I was like, ah, cool. You know, and again, I'd bought it again. But I decided, I think it was like mid 20s. I was like, I'm going to choose to be a lucky person. And I had to start then being really vigilant about myself to self talk of like, oh, this again, or I can't believe this happened. And of course, like I was anticipating bad news. And one of the ways I was doing that was in my inbox and at my mailbox. Because my mailbox often was the bearer of bad news like an overdue fee or a fine in the post or whatever it was.

15:27And so I remember saying to myself, good news is in the post. Checks in the post. I started saying checks in the post, checks in the post, good news in the post. And I would practice the feeling of that, you know, that anticipation feeling you'd get as a kid of opening a present. You know, there's a present inside. You don't have to guess. It's not going to be like an empty box. It's not like deal or no deal. Right? It's like, you know there's going to be something inside. And so you'd feel that, oh my God, that excitement. So I allowed myself to practice that excitement. I'm like going, oh my God. And in the realization of that was like how little I allowed myself to hope and dream. And allow myself to feel that pleasure. Because I was anticipating the bad so much, though, I wouldn't even give myself permission to feel the hope of it. And the weird thing is that for a period, I was getting checks in the post. Like random checks in the post. But I started doing that in my inbox and going, wow, what opportunities are in my inbox? And I bet in most people's inboxes, there are like, you know, requests to work together or ideas or there's gold in your inbox somehow.

16:34And yet you're probably dreading it like, oh my God, clients are going to say that someone's going to ask for a refund or someone's going to say they hate me or whatever it is. And funny thing happened last year where someone who I know in my life who's incredibly successful, send an email. And Mark said, oh, we got a weird email from, you know, that lady. And I was like, oh my God. And I thought she's going, she's writing to me to say, you suck. I'm going to sue you for some unknown reason. And like, I, oh my God, I agonized over this for like three days. And I felt sick about it. And I automatically thought, I'm going to get in trouble. What have I done? And it was an old pattern that I've had my whole life, right? And finally I said to him, oh my God, can you just tell me what's in that email? And he goes, oh, it's a pitch to work together. She wants you to go into partnership. I had catastrophized this email to the point where I was like, this lady is going to sue me for everything. I'm going to be homeless on the street for no good reason. Right? And so this is a pattern.

17:34This is a thought pattern. This is a recurring pattern. And yes, there are some things some people have like really serious, you know, OCD thoughts and things like that. How do you shift and change that? And for me, affirmations can be a really good pattern interopter. And that's why I always share them so much on the podcast of, you know, I serve, I deserve. It's my time and I'm ready for the next step. Good things are happening to me. I need those to stop rumination. There's a really practical reason behind that where we, you know, you might be skeptical about affirmations, but there is a practical consideration around that. And for me, it's to stop the rumination. And the rumination of when you repeat that to yourself over and over again, you don't open the email. You don't respond. You don't send a follow up because you're assuming the bad news. And of course, then the fortunes in the follow up, right? So you lose your chances for success because you're just not getting the stats. You're not doing the work to make that luck go in your favor.

18:36And so watch that rumination, watch that self talk, watch what you're saying to yourself and anticipating all of the time. That's a very practical consideration of like, what's the good here? The other thing is that we sometimes think that there'll be a time in our life where everything is perfect. And everything will be smooth sailing. We often equate that to when I'm rich or when I win the lottery, things will just be smooth sailing. And guess what? With more money, you still have to talk to people. You still have to set boundaries. You still have to have awkward conversations. You still have to say no. You still have to disappoint people sometimes. All of those things will be true. And so we're romanticizing the idea of success so much that we can't even imagine it on a day-to-day basis. We just can't. And so it feels so separate to us. So you want to start bringing those good feelings into your life now. And as I said on another episode, a climateizing yourself to success, that you give yourself permission to have the good and the bad wins. And when the bad things do happen which they inevitably will,

19:36you can laugh them off a little bit. So here's a little tip on this. Mark and I would say to each other, lucky where rich. And we, by the way, we said this before we had money. Because if you let those things happen and become part of like, oh, of course, this again, it doesn't, sometimes it lets you off the hook of going, I need to actually deal with that. I need to actually put something in place so that doesn't happen again. But also it just becomes part of your story that life will be perfect at some point. And like, I have a lot of money. Bad things still happen to me. You know, and it could be as simple as like tripping over something and you go, oh, see, like, I spilled something on myself again. But it's like, I'm rich. And the, it's you are rich. Like if you're listening to this podcast and you have, you know, clean air to breathe and clean water and stuff like that, you're rich are the most people on the planet, like unimaginably wealthy. And that reminder to yourself of like, wow, I have got resources to deal with this.

20:41You know, nobody died. Like, it's okay. I can handle this. This is just a blip. And you know, life will still happen. And what will change though is what's your self talk around it? What are you making that mean about yourself and your ability to get through it? You know, and maybe that's that thing of like, I am resilient no matter how much money I have. And that could be your little mantra, right? But lucky where rich is such a good one. It really can snap you out of that like woe is me sometimes. It's like, oh, I actually can deal with this. This is no big deal. This can be solved. This is a problem that can be solved. And even if things are a little bit tight, it's like, okay, all right, I can solve this. Nothing super bad happened. Okay, that's how you become that kind of luckier person. Okay, I've got one final thought for you after this break. Don't go away, but let's turn you into a little bit. Let's increase your luck a little bit. See you in a sec. Hi Denise. My name is Kelly. Otherwise, I'm a skin queen.

21:41And I am listening to Tillum Prosper for the third time in a row. I know so crazy three times in a row. So I have listened to Till Pranach twice. And now I'm listening to Tillum Prosper for the third time. Because every time I listen to it, I find new little golden nuggets of inspiration, motivation. And it really helps to kick me up the bar and just real line of refocus on the things that matter in my business. So thank you so much. Okay, I love affirmations, as I mentioned. And how do you feel about this affirmation of like, I'm a lucky person or I am a money magnet? I want you to try it for the next couple of days and see what what self talk is coming up. The affirmation itself is meaningless. Don't read too much into it, right? But just see what comes up. And that's the real gold. So if you start to say, I'm a money magnet, I'm a money magnet. Good things are happening to me. Listen to the little voice that tells you you're not worthy or why you're not worthy because there could be some real gold if you to dig deep in that.

22:42Sometimes you might come up with something and you go, no, no, no, I'm not lucky. Someone else is, you know, it's like this feeling that if I take some luck, other people will suffer. Right? And to go, no, the world's abundant. Both things can be true. That person can be lucky. I can be lucky too. Good things are happening to me as well. It's not a zero sum game, okay? Or you might have a little thing of like, but I'm not perfect yet. So I'm not allowed to be. I'm not allowed to have good things happen to me. And that's something to go down. Really what's underpinning this, it's not about luck. We can take that word out of the equation. It's worthiness. I'm worthy of good things happening. Why not me? I'm allowed to have good things as well. I'm allowed to experience pleasure and joy and luck and wealth and all of those things. So just try that. Good things are happening to me too. I'm a lucky person. I'm a money magnet. And just make it a game. Make it a game. And if, you know, I love hearing stories like this, please tell me your stories about what

23:46happens. You know, do you then suddenly find money in the street and like, go overboard with it. Be like, oh my god, five cents. Oh my god, thank you so much, Universe. More of this, please. And it's the gratitude that shifts that a little bit of like, oh, these things. Happened to me all the time. This is so great. More of this, please, Universe. Universe, how much better can it get? Oh, surprise me. This can be really fun. And take a note of where you're going. No, not for me. I'm not allowed to. Never, things never happen to me. Just keep being vigilant about that. Okay. And crowd that out with some positive thoughts. And of course, if you need my help, I've got so many resources for you around this. But, you know, go back and listen to some of the archives. Put me in your ears or anyone else. I don't, it doesn't have to be me. You know, someone that's going to help you have that good vibration early in the morning. It might be music. It might be perfume that's going to make you feel lucky. Each time, like, put on your undies and go, these are my lucky bitch pants. Anything can be like a placebo anchor for you to feel lucky.

24:47Okay. But start to shift that feeling of yourself. And of course, go read my book, Lucky Bitch, it talks about how I, you know, change so many things in my life and then suddenly became this luck magnet. Okay. It's called Lucky Bitch. It's an audible, kindle, whatever you can get it. All the links from my books are at jinesct.com slash books as well. I think that will make you see that anyone can be lucky. All right. Hopefully I help you every week with these tips. But I'll speak to you next week on another episode of Chimp Hospital. Take care. Bye. You had a very good time.