Why Letting Go Feels Impossible

0:00What is up? Do you have things bothering you from the past? Maybe things you just can't let go. Maybe, you know, rushes you're holding, you know, you just kind of come up whenever you're doing stuff and getting the way or maybe you're trying to, like, you know, pass experience that just keep kind of dictating your future? Well, today you're in luck. We're going to talk about why letting go feels impossible and how to actually do it. And we want to give a shout out to Mike W. Because this is actually a listener suggested episode, which is awesome. Thanks, Mike. And, you know, on a side note, if you guys have any suggestions, please leave a, you know, you can leave a comment in YouTube or you can email us. Our email is right in the show notes and let us know what your suggestions are and we'll do it. Show about it. But anyway, with that, this is the action that's a podcast. I'm Danny. We're very ready. We're very ready. Yo, Danny. Yes, I like this actually suggestion. You know, because I think we all kind of struggle with this, especially like letting go of the past, grudges, things that like, because I think we don't realize how much that kind of stuff

1:02actually controls our future and our present. You know, like those, and they're, and it's high emotion stuff. Like grudges were like, you know, when he mentioned this episode, I was thinking not too much of grudges, but more of like, you know, past failures and stuff, things like that. They're like hard to let go of. And that also kind of, you know, they change how you think about yourself so that it's harder to do things in the future too or in the present, I mean, you know, the now, whatever. Yeah, I don't know. What do you think about this? Like, yeah, this is, this is a big one because we do hold on to a lot of stuff. And not only that, but not only is it, is it bad enough that we hold on to this stuff, but then we're made to feel wrong or guilty or ashamed because we hold on to it and because we can't just let it go, like some frickin' zen wizard. And it's just like, as if I'm not dragging around all this baggage. Now, to pile my own stuff on top of that, just because I'm not good enough to let it go. Like, come on. Yeah, and you know, it's, it is funny because like, you see, you think of like, you know,

2:03like the zen masters that they're living in like a very different world than we are in a certain sense. Like, yeah, they're in the world. Like, they're also in an isolated community. It's so different. I feel like that's one of the hard things about letting go is that you're constantly reminded of the things all the time, that value. Like, if it's a grudge, you might, you know, say you have a grudge against somebody you know, you might see friends that know that person and stuff. All those things are reminders, right? Of that grudge of that wrong that you suffered or whatever, or you know, if it's a past failure anytime you do something right, that kind of come up. So it's like, you're constantly reminded of it and you have to deal with it. Absolutely. Yeah. And so like, you've read a bit of feeling great and he talks about the resistance, internal resistance that we all have to changing because basically, we're incentivized to do things. And so if we're not letting go of the past, if we're not forgiving grudges, well, there's a couple things. One, it serves us in a way. Like, maybe we don't want to

3:04let go of the past. Maybe we don't want to forgive the grudges because if we did, that would mean, what, I'm weak. I let people walk all over me. You know, I'm, and like, what actually, holding on to the grudges and not letting go of the past, what good stuff does this say about you and your values? Like, if you are, if you keep beating yourself up because you made mistakes, maybe it means that it's very important to you that you do your best. Like, that's a really good value because somebody who wouldn't beat themselves up, they're doing shitty work and I guarantee you probably work with a whole bunch of these people and you're like, how do you do that? It's because they don't care. They like, they make mistakes and they're like, hey, next thing, let's go mess something else up. Well, that's, that's part of the problem, right? It's hard caring. It is hard caring. It's also hard, you know, I think having values, especially in this world now because it seems like nobody does. So like, you know, and that's the other thing I think with grudges that are hard too because people also will look at you like, they don't understand because they don't understand like that you have values that you care about that maybe somebody stepped on or

4:05maybe, you know, like you said too, right? You don't want to look up here weak or something or whatever it is. But yeah, it's really hard, but these do change a lot. And I also like that in feeling great when we talk about you like, what else does it say about you? Because I also wonder too, like if we also self-identify in a certain way with some of these ideas and so change would mean changing our core person, right? In some way. And that's hard to do, you know, especially whether it's core values or like a core self concept, something like that makes it really difficult to actually, you know, it's easier to change. Yeah, because we like to be consistent. Like when we say that we say that we're a certain way, we want to stay that way. I'm struggling with that right now. I'm trying to change a little bit of how I address and it's tough because like I identify with how I address. And so trying to change that it like almost triggers me because it's like, you know, it looks weird. You know, funny how it looks weird too because you're used to, you know, you're used to

5:05looking in the mirror and seeing yourself a certain way. And then you like try to just, I always have a hard time. I think we went to a wedding not long ago. And like getting dressed up for it, like I had such a hard time did finding something because I was like, all this looks weird on me because I don't wear it ever. So like, it's not intentional. It is. It's weird. Yeah, it's very funny. Like how it works is like, I just like, like, yeah, like the suit looked fine, whatever, like, I mean, it was a suit, you know, I didn't look bad in it by any stretch. But like at the same time, I just don't feel comfortable in it, I guess, or like, it's not like me. And so it's, yeah, it takes a while to adjust to it. It's funny. Isn't that how it is? It's very weird. Yeah. But we do. I think to your point though, we like things. We like things consistent. We like knowing what things are going to be like the next day. And I think this is also part of it is we are really not, we resist change a lot, like a lot. Even if it's a crappy situation, we are aware of the crappy situation. We know what it is. And we're more likely to kind of like, treat that as normal

6:08than want to change because those changes are always going to be uncomfortable, even if they're positive, even if they're better. So like, take like letting go of a grudge, you know, like, if that grudge is a big part of like, you know, your values, your identity, whatever, letting go up is going to be hard, even though it's going to be a positive experience for you. That's what's funny. Here's the interesting thing. And this is another thing that I've gotten from David Burns and all of his books and podcasts and everything. So like, letting go of grudges means that you're the one who's going to have to change. You're the one who's going to have to be wrong. The other person is going to stay the same. And this is like, it's really interesting because we see this like huge battle on politics nowadays where everybody's trying to convince the other people to change the way that they think or that they're wrong. It's like, not going to happen. Would you change the way that you think and you're wrong? No, no, no, because I'm right. They're wrong. And the same, well, if you're not going to change, they're not going to change. But it's the same thing in relationships and in grudges. So like, I had a very, I had an ongoing grudge that I was like holding on to by my name for a long time until I started listening to David Burns stuff. And I was like,

7:13you know what? The only way that I'm ever going to get through this is if I admit that I was wrong and I changed me. And it's like, it released. But it was one of those things where I was, I was, I'm right. They're wrong. And it's just, it's just silly. Well, at the end of the day, does it actually matter anyway, too? A lot of this, I think, is funny. Like, we make things out to be so much more than they are a lot of times. And not to discount anybody's feelings or anything, but it's just true. I think we do. We all do this, right? It's because we're experiencing it. It matters the most because it's my values. I'm right. Right? Everybody else is wrong because they don't see it my way. Those kinds of things. But I think in the case of a grudge, too, it's like, how is it helping you? You know, like, try journaling, too, it's helpful. In this case, I think, right down, like think back to like what triggered it? What causes this thing? Do you need this person in your life? Is that even necessary? Because, you know, you can forgive a grudge and also just not talk to the person again if they don't change. I mean, that's totally doable, right?

8:16Sometimes relationships end. But try writing it down and really examining it, too, because I think sometimes trying to look at it from both perspectives can help you see, like maybe where, you know, you're not seeing their side of it, too. And if it is something you want to, like, kind of a friendship or a relationship you want to keep, right? That can be a way to kind of see it from their perspective, too, and maybe find some common ground where you can apologize and forgive and move on from it. Yeah. And the cool thing is you don't need to. So, like, what I said in the beginning with it being like us being ashamed in every, like people just pile guilt and shaming us. It's like, how could you not be a perfectly enlightened human being? What's wrong with you? Because they're animals. It's because I'm a human. Like, I'm by definition, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. I have like a whole bunch of different aspects of me. And you know, it's like all these knots just all over the place. Everything's complicated. And but like, we're made to feel wrong because we hold grudges. And it's like, you know, which is funny, too,

9:19because real quick, which is funny, too, because like, I love when people pile that crap on other people like this perfection idea, because it's like, dude, nothing in the world or that people do is perfect at all. It's all a total fricking mess. So, like, why would you expect, you know, like it's so ridiculous? It really is. And the people who pretend that everything is perfect, they're just hiding it from everyone else. And so like in relationships and everything else, we can accept it the way it is, we can try and improve it, or we could get rid of it. And that's pretty much for relationships as well. And there's nothing wrong with having grudges. I mean, I've held grudges for, I'm still angry at people from elementary school. I go to the gym and I like lift heavy weights and I'm just angry at these people from elementary school. And this was like 40 years ago. Yeah, it's a long time. Yeah, I don't, yeah, it's weird. So I think that I don't hold a lot of grudges, I guess. I don't, but like, I have a lot of other problems. So it's not like I'm not saying

10:20anything against it. I just think, but it's interesting, because like, I think I have a tendency just to be like, well, whatever, like I'll just move on and forget about the person. Just maybe, maybe not the best way either. I don't know. But yeah, I think there's a lot of options here. But I think one of the things to look at too is, and I always ask myself this, like, how is this helping me, or is it doing anything positive? Because most of the time, this isn't like, it's getting in the way of our lives. It's causing anxiety, depression, stress, whatever else, you know, maybe we're not able to move forward because of it. Or maybe it's ruining a relationship. Like a grudge could be something that could, if it's something that could be resolved, resolve it. Because what's the point of, you know, if you have a long-standing relationship that you care about, like, what matters more in this case, you know? Yeah. I know. We talked about this a lot. This like concept of like, when somebody else does something, it's a character flaw. But when I do it, it's some, like, situational thing that caused me to do it. And so one thing that I enjoy doing nowadays is I try and pretend that

11:23for the other person, it was a situational thing, not a character thing, like a situational thing that caused them to do that. And I'm like, well, under what situations could they possibly have done that? And it helps me to see like the humanity in them and helps me step into their shoes, because guaranteed it was just some type of situational thing. Most people aren't these like absolute sociopaths. So, yeah. No, I don't think, yeah, I think that it'd be wrong to assume that people are like that or that it's like, most things I think too aren't really necessarily like, even though it might be something mean said to us or something mean done to us, a lot of times that's not even the intent, right? It's because they are having a problem. They're struggling to do something and you just happen to be there. I see it. I see it in myself nowadays. Like the other day I was at the gym and I was just in a bad mood. And somebody said something to me and I just like bit their head off. And I was just like, what am I doing? Like, they probably, like, I know what am I doing? Yeah. I noticed that myself. I don't know what it is. And maybe I don't know

12:25maybe it's getting older. But when I am in a bad mood, I have a hard time like keeping it down. Do you know what I mean? Like, not letting everybody else know that I'm bitching, being bitchy. It's like, it's really funny. It's like, that works hard for this bad mood. I'm going to get everything out of it. I enjoy it. And I'm going to get everybody else miserable, damn it. Yeah. Yeah. It is kind of funny. But it was a cool learning experience when that happened because I saw myself doing it. Like I knew I was in a bad mood. And I was like, I was thinking myself, I should probably just stay home, but I'm like, I want to go work out and this helps me get through it anyways. And so I went there and I bit this guy's head off. And I saw myself as I was doing it. And it was kind of like a learning experience for me because now I see if somebody does that to me, I would be like, they're probably just having a bad day. Yeah. And most of the time it's what it is. And I think especially to like, in the world we live in with the amount of BS and information and the amount of, you know, the amount of things trying to raise our emotions at all times between social media news and all this crap. And then just talking to people

13:28because everybody talking about like, I think people are probably like geared up already to like 10, 90% of the time, you know, it's like, so little things become these big things that really aren't that big of a deal, you know, or like, you know, and again, I think like this is where like drilling and stuff can be really helpful to try and like try and put yourself in both sides of it. Like, what did I do? And how did I respond? How did I see the situation? And imagine like, if I was the other person, if I was in their shoes, what did the situation look like to me? And does that give you some sort of common ground or a middle ground that you can work out and see like maybe maybe you were wrong? I mean, that's always possible. Or maybe, you know, it was just something you can forget because it was ridiculous or you can see that they maybe had a bad day or something, but yeah, it's a good approach. Yeah. And if you want more help on getting overgrudges and letting go of the past, particularly if they revolve around other people,

14:32then there's a book called Feeling Good Together, which has a whole thing about relationship journaling and all the stuff you need in order to do that. It's a very, a very good book for all that stuff. Yeah. We know I always crack me up with relationships is like, we're never, no one's taught how, like, ever given any real instruction on how to do it. And it's kind of funny when you think about it, because like, think about like, you know, people like it married, or they're with a long-term partner, it's just long-term friends, right? Like, it's not always easy keeping those relationships going because there's always going to be bad points and there's going to be difficulties. And there's going to be times where like, especially when you're living with somebody, right? There's going to be times where there's stress that's caused not because of the people involved, but because of the situation, like, you know, paying bills, stuff like that, all that comes up, right? So it's like, it takes a lot of effort, I think, to remove yourself from that immediate situation, to see the larger picture and also what you value about the relationship, to keep it. And I think that takes a lot of work. We're not like, we're not naturally like,

15:36just gifted at this, you know? It's why they had like elders in old villages. That's what I was just going to say. Like, you grew up in a society with people who have been doing it for a long time and who have a lot more life experience. Nowadays, you don't. And so, I always wanted the generation as to figure it out on their own. I was watching this. This is a while ago, but I was watching the documentary. It was on like, it was on, it was on like one of these, when he's Aboriginal tribe, or whatever, that's still living like that. And they were talking, and he was in the Amazon, but they were talking about like, how they still have these tribal elders. And like, you know, with certain issues come up, like, they'll go talk to them to get a resolved. And a lot of it was interpersonal issues. And I think it is interesting because you have these older people who are like, it doesn't really matter. You know, like that doesn't, but like to the people, the younger people, it does a lot. And I think it's interesting that perspective, but you're right, but we don't get that anymore. It's rare that you get that. It's rare to go talk to other people about it. And it makes it work. It's kind of like we're all navigating this alone, which makes it a lot harder. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's, it feels like you have so much more perspective,

16:42just talking with anyone to begin with because it's someone else's problem, not your problem. So already it gives you a lot more perspective. But then if you think about somebody who's younger than you when you're talking with them, and you've been through the same type of thing, like think about talking about talking with a teenager, about like some like heart throb type, you know, romance thing. And you're like, oh, yeah, don't worry about it. Like, I know this is life and death right now, but don't worry about it. And they'd be like, no, you have no idea. And you're like, trust me. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, you can, you can kind of see that stuff because you have the time and the perspective and everything like that. And that's what the elders have on, on you nowadays is like, they have all his life experience. But yeah, we miss out on that. That's another actually good point, too, before we end, which is talk to other people. Like, if you have somebody you know, somebody you are friends with, or even if you don't, yeah, you could prompt chat GPT to. Oh, you could do that. Yeah, you could do that. Yeah, give you life advice. That's actually brilliant. That could work really well. It could. Yeah.

17:44And it's actually very helpful. I think I'm going to do that later today. You know, it's funny because like, I was actually reading a report that people are getting very good results from that for like, uh, counseling and stuff. And part of it is because it's totally private. And you know, it's like, you could say whatever you want. And it's always nice. Yeah. And it's really good for relationship advice, too. Like, I was, I was talking with a friend and he actually asked chat GPT how to break up with a girl that he didn't want to continue with. And it was actually like, very, very good advice. I was like, wow, that's, they really thought about that. Well, it's got, it's got all the, you know, it's got all the information. All the world's writings and love poem and everything. So it's pretty good at that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. Well, you know, anything else this? No, that's all I think we solved everything. So no more grudges, no more problems. Letting go. It's, I would say, I would say like, most importantly, like, give yourself some space. If you feel pressure that you have to let go of something, just be like, first, like, first scenario is if I am never able to live to let go of this,

18:50I have to live with this for the rest of my life. How would I go about doing that? And once you're okay with that, then you can kind of decide if it's something you want to let go of. Yeah. I think that's also a good point too, which is like, you don't have, there's no role that you have to let go of these things either. But it is important, I think, to look at like, it is important to examine it, right? Look at your values, look at why, why you have this and how it's affecting you. And if it's, because I always think too, if the consequences of it are causing trouble or pain for you, then you should probably figure out a way around it and get rid of it. But otherwise, yeah, you don't have to do anything. It's always possible. Yeah. So there you have it then. I mean, now, what was the title again? Something about problems. Oh, there you go. And why letting go feels impossible and how to actually do it. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. You can check us out on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. And if you have episodes suggestions, like Mike did feel free to leave, you know, a comment on YouTube or, you know, email us. It's in

19:52the show notes. We'll be back later as we go into the episode though. Until then, later, Andy.