Why Self-Love Is the Key to Healthy Relationships | Rewind

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Today we have a guest, a friend of mine, Humble, the poet, an author, an MC,

a spoken word artist, an incredible thinker who has just written a book on love.

And so I invited him along today to talk about self love, healing,

the patterns that we engage in in early dating, that sabotage us.

And I think what you're going to find in listening to this conversation is not just really valuable insights on men

and bridging the gap between men and women and understanding why men do the things they do.

It's also going to be a really amazing insight into the patterns that keep us from finding real love.

So I think the best word I can use to describe this conversation is healing.

If you're single right now, I think you're going to come away from this conversation,

feeling better about being single right now.

And also feeling like you have more hope for the future in finding someone.

So I present to you, Humble, the poet.

I'm so excited about this because it's speaking of being vulnerable.

I read somewhere that you wrote this book, which is called How to Be Love.

Are you saying how to be loved or how to be loved?

So you inspired this title because...

I didn't know that.

Yes, you inspired the title because you told me to meet the audience where they're at.

And I think one of the references you made was you can make a video about self love,

the title of the video, something a little bit more surface level like why he won't text back.

And I really thought about that.

And I was thinking about that catching myself, even what was catching my eye.

And I realized that the secret is to be loved.

It's to view love as a verb and an action in the service.

But what we all want is to feel loved.

We want to acquire love.

And realizing that there's no difference.

So putting the D in parentheses is kind of like, you know, that's a spoiler alert.

In order to feel love, you have to be loved.

So you said, I read that you wrote this book on the back of a breakup.

Can you dig into that?

Because I feel like that, you know, that's meeting people where they are.

People tend to pick up a book like this.

And people often tend to encounter my YouTube videos at a point of pain.

They're going through something there.

Maybe they've been lonely for a while.

Maybe they just went through a bad breakup.

Maybe they're scared that they're never going to meet someone.

Can you take us back to that time when you'd gone through a breakup?

And it kind of inspired you writing this book?

Yeah. So it actually, to be 1,000% honest, it was the book that inspired the breakup.

And what it was is I was in a relationship for a few years.

And we had just got engaged.

And the engagement in itself was kind of a piece of duct tape to try to address the challenges in the relationship.

So I was like, oh, let's go in deeper because we're not good where we're at.

That's the solution. And knowing on the inside, that's not definitely not the solution.

And then I committed to trying to have a deeper understanding of love and how to be a better partner.

Because I really, I didn't want to mess it up.

And in the initial journey, I'm trying to better understand love.

I started to realize that I was in the wrong place.

And even if I couldn't put it into words,

I had feelings that this wasn't the space I needed to be in.

And it wasn't for a lack of love.

And I wasn't with a person who wasn't good to me.

I was in a position where I wasn't able to receive love.

I hadn't addressed all that has been kind of built up around me.

Kind of, you know, the same fortress I built to protect myself.

You know, it was now serving as a prison to keep everybody else out and keep me out as well.

I was realizing that you could shower me with love and there was no love.

No love could be received because I wasn't in the place for that.

And that motivated the breakup.

But then at that point, you know, I was still in the middle of researching this book

and doing some of the early writings.

That's when it became clear that I need to really figure this out.

It couldn't be for nothing.

So, you know, the journey of the book is, I write it from the frame of this being the breakup

because the vast majority of the writing and research happened all after the breakup.

But it was very clear.

I didn't think I'd be writing a book specifically about self love predominantly.

I thought this really would be a pragmatic day-to-day kind of dating type book.

And then I realized like, no, the reason I'm having so many problems isn't because simply I'm not a good partner.

It's because I'm not in a position to realize love.

And I started to realize very quickly that we view love as this kind of external thing

that we earn or that we can acquire or we can get or we deserve or we're enough for.

When really love is something that you can only realize and experience.

And you know, G.I.U.s is, you know, love being like a breeze.

And the work isn't to find the breeze. The work is to open your sale.

And I realized very quickly, I was, myself is not open.

No matter how windy it was, myself is not open.

And the work I had to do for that required me to be alone.

And I didn't, you know, I couldn't do it at the same time with all the family obligations.

Dealing with somebody who was, was, was a, is a great person.

But at the same time on their own journey, refusing different type of help that they might have need for their own healing.

And so I had to walk away from that situation.

And then at that point, you know, it's not a, you know, I'm not doing it with confidence.

And I'm not saying, okay, this was the best decision of my life. Let's move forward.

It was, I need to make this worth it. I need to figure out how I got here.

I need to figure out how I never get here again.

With people that are out there dating right now or even people in relationships,

what do you think are the telltale signs that someone is struggling to receive love?

Because they, some people may not have that awareness.

They may just say, I'm just really struggling to meet someone.

Or I never feel what I want to feel.

Or, you know, it manifests in other ways.

So in terms of sort of almost diagnosing where people are,

what do you think are the signs that someone is struggling to receive love?

And that's the reason that love isn't happening the way that they intended it to.

An easy, clear one is people's inability to accept the compliment.

You know, receiving a compliment from somebody gets you flustered in a way.

Because so often as young children, we signal to ourselves that you have to earn love.

You have to do something to earn it.

And as we get older, you know, authentic moments of love are things that we earn.

So I think this inability to accept the compliment can give somebody a hint.

Even go ahead and compliment yourself.

You know, you can go ahead, you know, think about the last time you were naked in the mirror

and gave yourself a compliment.

You know, not looking at your body critically.

And try complimenting something that you don't normally compliment.

It's going to be a weird feeling.

That in itself is an inability to receive love just because it's almost foreign.

It's funny.

I just yesterday I was awarded my blue belt in jujitsu.

Congratulations.

Thank you, man.

It was a really special moment because I had worked towards it for some years now.

And it happened to be a particularly busy class yesterday.

So there were, I don't know, must have been, what were they like, 30 or 40 people in the room?

40 people in the room?

And I was the only person that was awarded a belt that day.

And so they called my name at the end of class and I had to go up.

And they, the, you know, professor, the coach put the belt on me.

And then you go around and you shake every single person's hand in the room.

And they're all lined up and you go along and you shake every single person's hand and look them in the eye.

And this happens at the end of every session.

But on this particular session, every single person whose hand I shook said congratulations.

And it was funny because initially I noticed I was almost trying to like move through people really quickly.

Because I was like, oh, this is a lot of attention on me.

I'm used to attention.

But it's a different kind of, you know, I'm used to, if I'm on stage and people are saying nice things about me

or they're saying nice things in a video.

And I know it feels different somehow.

You know, I'm in those environments, I'm in the role of the leader.

But in this environment, I'm very much in the role of the student.

And there are people way better than me in that class, many of them.

So to walk along and for everyone to say like individually, congratulations, man.

Congratulations, man.

I had to, in my head, I had to reset a quarter of the way through and tell myself, hey, like enjoy this.

You weren't like, you definitely earned that.

You spend years doing this.

And you're now like trying to almost rush through these congratulations.

Because there's some part of you that's like feeling a little uncomfortable in just accepting this praise

and accepting that people are celebrating you right now.

It's your birthday today.

You know what I mean?

And I reset.

I had a little bit of self talk where I literally told myself in real time like, hey enjoy this.

Like actually, you know, everyone saying congratulations, try and really receive it.

So, you know, even after all the work that I've done on myself over the years,

I still had that moment where in that particular context, I had to talk myself,

I had to give myself a talk about just accepting the praise.

Completely.

And I think especially with that, because that's so, you know, almost, it was a process.

You didn't win a sweepstakes, you know, you didn't get lucky.

You know, there's a step by step guide to getting the belt.

And you know, and you had to, you couldn't skip any shades in that gradient.

And you slowly made your way there.

And, you know, it's deaf, you know, you worked your butt off to get it.

So that should be one of the easier ones.

And it is really interesting because it is starting to recognize what type of attention we can't absorb

and what type of attention we can't.

And as you said, you might be able to talk for the 10,000 people,

but maybe eight of your closest friends sitting watching at the dinner table do a speech

that might be completely different.

And I think these are the opportunities for us to become aware in that context.

And I think, you know, accepting a compliment I think is one of the easier ones to look at

or even realizing how critical we are of ourselves.

But also our definition of love.

I think oftentimes attention, affection, power, control, validation, adoration,

all of these things kind of, I identify them as kind of password versions of love.

Interesting.

But don't have that nutritional value that actual love creates.

So can you repeat those the ones that you feel like are fast food versions?

Yeah, I mean, you know, as I said, validation, power, control, success, adoration, attention,

admiration, worship, you know, all of these kind of things that really feed the ego.

I'm going to say that seems to me the common denominator in all of those is they're based in ego.

Yeah, and ego is the border that separates us from each other.

You know, ego is that membrane that makes every drive think it's separate from the other drops in the ocean.

So how do you, because in a way, our inability to receive love is you can reduce it back to ego, right?

Because ego can go into directions.

Ego can be unso great.

And therefore someone should love me.

Ego can also be unworthless and no one's going to love me, right?

It's still a form of ego is I'm making it about.

It's almost like I'm especially unlovable.

Yeah.

Is also an act of ego.

I'm especially lovable and I'm especially unlovable.

I find are both rooted in that same place.

And you can flip between them very easily because the person who associates with being super hot is also terrified of the rejection of someone who doesn't think they're that hot.

So it can flip quickly.

I kind of define ego a lot more as the identifier, you know, the way you identify yourself separate from others.

Because when you have these moments of authentic love with someone,

that's when they're ceases to be a you and them.

It's kind of like you melt into each other.

There's not a you and me, there's a we, you know, whether it's you and a child or you and a romantic partner.

And also going back to people's definition of love, like,

I forgot who said it, but love is so vast.

They can love those things deemed unlovable, you know, so, you know, going back to the ego,

we derive, you know, separateness and value.

Because, you know, we, we think that we have to have value for love.

I'm unlovable. I'm not when love is bigger than that.

And there is no value to a person.

A person can't be enough of a person.

A person can't be worthy of love.

Love is a measured in worthiness. Love is a measured in enough.

People aren't a measured in worthiness or enoughness.

So what do you say to people who love the concept of that?

You know, they find that extraordinarily beautiful.

But the way that things practically play out in their life is that it feels like their worst fears are always being confirmed in the rejections they get.

You know, I want to feel like I'm not, you know, I'm bringing down the barrier between me and this person that I'm attracted to.

But I very much, my experience is a one-off rejection.

This person doesn't want me. This person doesn't, you know, call me or didn't, you know, rejected me when I asked for their number or didn't call me after the day.

Or we slept together and they no longer wanted me.

You know, we meet in an everyday world of dating, a lot of rejection.

And in some cases, we even hear the rejection as being tied to something that we feared made us not enough.

And we go, oh my god, it is because I'm not pretty enough.

It is because I'm not good-looking enough. It is because, you know, in the case of guys, there are guys that every time they hear that

I actually does matter to a lot of women. They feel their worst fear confirmed that I'm not enough because I'm not tall enough.

So how do you marry? Well, I suppose if there is an intrinsic reality to what you're saying, how does someone actually embody that in a world that can feel so full of constant rejection?

On the very things that I am actually worried make me not enough in the first place?

Yeah, so I'm not here to discount the feelings, the crappy feelings of rejection and the capacity, but you're not being rejected by love.

You know, you're being rejected, you know, for a second date or for a first date or for some other validating factor.

You're being rejected for something that's delicious, not really nutritious.

And I would challenge people to go back and look at their current relationships in their life where they authentically feel love, right?

And that may not be a romantic relationship right now. It may be them in an effu, them in a parent, them in a sibling, even them in an activity.

And what they say, and I want to challenge them to ask, is there anything that person, you know, is that person perfect?

Is that person enough? You know, do you even look at them in terms of their enoughness or their perfectness?

Do they have to qualify for your love?

And the answer is no, because the truth is everybody we love, we know all their imperfections.

And the deeper we know them, the more in detail we could list out these imperfections. None of that disqualifies them from love.

Do you have, have you come across people and what do you say to them if they say, I do have that kind of love and it's beautiful.

And it's one of the things I treasure the most in my life.

I still feel a yearning for romantic love. And in the field of romantic love, in that domain, I feel like no one is giving me the kind of love

that you're talking about where they do accept my imperfections. And, and I'm really struggling because it seems as though no one's ready to love me like that.

Yeah, again, our challenge is to look at the current apparatus, you know, and I'm not lost on that idea, you know, I'm a heterosexual male and I have, you know, what I find attractive, what I don't find attractive,

and I have a list of qualities that may or may not actually be what I require in a partner, but it's what I think I require.

And, you know, and that could cause me to have misconnections. And I think that can cause me to also connect with the wrong people.

I've also had given exceptions to people who don't fit my list or certain things that I'm looking for.

But because they had a symmetrical face, I let it pass. And then two weeks later, I'm suffering those consequences.

So I think it's enough to take ownership over this idea that, hey, we barely understand ourselves, let alone can't understand other people.

There are people that will say, I know what's really important, but what I am attracted to is a problem.

Because I have this sense of what's important, but I keep getting attracted to these things that aren't good.

And they shouldn't be that important, but they seem to be.

Because it's what I keep getting attracted to. I'm attracted to these hot, cool people who are indifferent to me.

And, you know, they may not say they're attracted to the indifference, but I'm attracted to the fact that they're hot and they're cool.

And that there is something sexy about them.

And it seems to always lead me to people who either don't want me or who don't treat me very well.

Meanwhile, the people that seem to have these gorgeous qualities you're describing at a deep level, I think are amazing qualities, but I just don't feel compelled to be with them.

What do you say to that? And does the book kind of allude to any of them?

Oh, yeah, completely. We, you know, we all, and even outside of romantic relationships, we all choose what's familiar over what's healthy.

And oftentimes this cool, aloof individual, what it really is, is the feeling that you have to earn something.

And oftentimes, you know, that matches the flavor of what we had growing up.

And we may have been in a household where there was a parent in whatever the primary parent was,

where we felt that we had to constantly earn their love.

And now we're finding ourselves doing the same thing where we, you know, we find someone that matches that flavor.

I agree with that. I absolutely agree with that.

If I were trying to challenge it in the most brutal way, I would say, and let me play the role of this person, humble, that's true, but hot is hot.

Someone who's just physically, they look a certain way, I find that really sexy.

And, you know, life is just, life has this group of people that are super sexy, that I'm always drawn to.

And they can have lots and lots of people because they're super sexy.

And it's okay, maybe there's something going on with my past in parenting.

And that's making me attracted to indifference because it's what I experienced as a child.

I feel like, but even if this person wasn't in, you know, even if I removed the indifference and control for that, I'm still just attracted to these super hot people that can have so many people that they're never really attracted to me or they don't give me the time of day.

And, you know, we live in a world where just if you're good looking, life is 100 times easier, and you have lots of options.

And I find myself drawn to those people, but those people treat me as disposable because I kind of am to them.

What do you say to that person?

Again, it's, hey, look at your track record. You want to keep doing it.

You would have, you know, you would have been happily ever after a long time ago, one of these ended up working out too.

It's the next level on top of choosing qualities is asking how that quality make you feel.

So what is it about somebody who does not show interest in you? What is it? What is that feeling?

What if what if I, but what for the person who says, no, no, no, I'm not attracted to them not showing interest.

I'm attracted to how good looking they are.

Well, nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody who's good looking.

And again, people with symmetrical faces aren't monolithic.

Not every single person who is an extremely good looking individual treats people within difference.

And I think that in itself, we're creating this archetype that isn't real.

Trying to get to what is this a hard truth that a lot of us have to accept that just there are people

who aim too high in terms of looks and it always makes them unhappy because they're just always drawn to people

that have this wealth of options and therefore a kind of we are more likely to be disposable to those people.

Do you think that's happening to a decent number of people?

Like dating apps just show that people, a lot of people are going just for the best looking person in the room.

And that they're consistently kind of there's 1% that's getting 99% of the messages.

Do you think it's incumbent on people to continue going for those kinds of people until they find one that turns around to meet them?

Or do you think people themselves need to almost start with what they're hoping someone else will do?

Which is to say, I'm going to stop needing people to look a certain way for me to choose them.

Because in a way what I'm expecting is the exact same thing.

I'm choosing based on looks and then I'm frustrated that someone isn't choosing me based on that same quality.

Do you think people need to almost start from a basis of saying, I'm not going to value this as highly as I used to?

Well, they shouldn't.

It depends on your goals.

If your goal is to enjoy somebody like a snack and find, get the most attractive snack you can have.

If you're trying to find something long term, how does somebody's looks play into a long term situation in any capacity?

And I think that's something that is worth asking.

And also use these apps as an example even for you.

So even when you're not getting a lot of matches, look at this idea of the analysis paralysis that comes from having too many options.

Too many options in itself is a curse for anybody.

And any of these guys or girls who are getting this inundated with attention, they're existing in a world of fragmented relationships as well.

And they're not building deep connection.

And they're not getting fulfillment out of this either.

And they can do it for how long.

And they become addicted to the validation that comes from the new conqueror, the new what have you.

And at the end of the day, I mean, and I'm sure you know as well, we all know, especially us in this world, we all know of the one girl who said no to that guy that everybody thought can get any girl he wants.

You know, that's that that is a reality.

There's just endless levels to this.

I've been in a room full of guys who are making $100,000 a month complaining about how they're losing girls to NBA players.

And I'm sure those NBA players are complaining about how they're losing those girls to lean out of the cap for you or something.

You know, I mean like this.

And these these these these pyramids are endless.

All complaining that they're only ever getting attention from a certain kind of person.

And certain kind of person.

And and and and recently too, you know, one of the first friends I made, I've only lived out here in LA for a year.

One of the first friends I made out here is as a female from West Philadelphia.

And she is, you know, genetically gorgeous.

You know, she wanted genetic lottery.

And she's completely gorgeous.

And she moved out here and was was creating art.

And then very quickly got into, you know, didn't have a lot of education, but got into the service industry and Beverly Hills.

Now making a gang of money and has a lot of celebrities reaching out and asking her.

And she says you're this frustrating being attractive.

You know, she goes, it's always you're always second guessing yourself as to why someone is talking to you or what have you.

The same way maybe even a guy with a lot of money and people know he has a lot of money can make himself more attractive.

And now he has to second guess why people are talking to him.

As I said, I think we're thinking short term when we're talking about attractiveness.

I'm not here to discount that. You don't have to not be attracted to somebody before you date them.

But I would also say, hey, give somebody, you know, one of the pieces of advice I was given was, okay, you can have your ranking.

Give somebody who you consider a seven or a six.

Give them, give them three days.

See what happens.

Because I think very often to the sparks that we're chasing, this initial attraction, that fades no matter what.

And there are stories of, you know, some of the most beautiful human beings, you know, still having to deal with infidelity from their partners.

So, you know, attractiveness is not a sustainable model to do something.

It could be initial attraction, but at the end of the day, it's going to take you a few times to get to know a person, to see if they even connect with you on the stuff that actually matters.

And all that work is done internally.

You're figuring out what actually matters to you.

You said that self-love, I think, you'll tell me the exact phrase, but the idea of self-love has to come with teeth.

Having teeth.

Can you explain that in the context of what we're talking about right now?

Yeah, loving yourself is showing your teeth.

And I think very often we, I think a lot of the problems that we have is we choose being likable over love.

We don't want to disappoint people. We don't want to say no.

We, if somebody tries to have something at our expense, we don't stand up for ourselves.

And we think being likable is more important than standing up for ourselves.

Not realizing that not standing up for ourselves will put us in a place of resentment, which is a very dark place, which, you know, it's very difficult for love to exist in that space.

So standing up for yourself, establishing boundaries, saying no.

Letting people know that you're not someone that can be walked on.

The same way, the exact same way, and it's funny.

I was in a very short situation with somebody who got very aggressive very quickly.

And a friend who was in a much worse relationship was telling me, and I was already standing up, I had cut the relationship off.

But I used that as an analogy. I was like, would you want me to go back to that person?

Because you're staying in your situation.

Like, well, if that person ever comes back on a punches him in their face.

And it seems so much easier to stand up for somebody you care about.

I'll stand up for my best friend. I'll stand up for my sister.

I'll stand up for somebody else if somebody mistreats them.

But I'll deal with it if somebody mistreats me.

And self love is having that relationship with yourself.

How do people do that?

Know your boundaries.

Build that self awareness of what your boundaries are, what you're okay with, what you're not okay with.

And articulate them and communicate them.

But what if you know what you want your boundaries to be?

Yeah.

But the thing that is supporting those boundaries ultimately is that I think that I am a person who's worthy of having those kinds of boundaries.

How do you suggest people?

Because like you said, if it's my best friend, I stick up for them because I love them and I don't want them to come to harm.

So it's natural to stick up for them and go into tiger mode when it's my friend.

When it's myself, I have theoretical boundaries that go out the window the moment I like someone, the moment I really want to hold on to them.

And those boundaries are nowhere to be seen when I start being pushed or mistreated.

How does someone build that same relationship with themselves that underpins those boundaries so that they actually have white instead of being paper thin?

I think that's a fantastic question.

I think the first thing we have to divorce is worthiness concept.

The worthiness isn't there.

Like your best friend doesn't have to constantly earn their worthiness for your love.

The child in your life doesn't have to, children do nothing to earn your love.

Your first interaction with them, you're already in love with them.

There's no worthiness that's required there.

And then also go back to how did you develop this relationship with your friend?

You guys hung out.

You guys, the cornerstone to creating connection is vulnerability.

You and I are friends.

I think if you and I met and we met on a five day trip to Hawaii, we would be high by friends.

We would just be casual friends.

We suffered together.

We were vulnerable together.

We both sat there an hour before going into the ice, sharing openly our fears about losing our fingers and our extremities.

And I remember specifically you asking Wim saying, what if I get frostbite and Wim saying, your body will know what to do.

And I remember looking at your face, you were like, that's not an answer.

That's not an answer, old man.

Like, what was that?

And me being like, I agree, that was an answer.

That's how we bonded through being vulnerable with each other.

We need to be vulnerable with ourselves.

When we're vulnerable with ourselves, we'll build a deeper connection with who we are.

I learned that through that journey of having the attractive girl.

Why was that such a big deal?

Because I also grew up in a part of the world where I don't look like the majority.

And I was always made to feel different.

In cases I was made to feel ugly, whether it was overtly through racism or never seeing myself on television.

And being like, you don't belong here.

And in the moment, somebody who everybody feels belongs here accepts me.

And even for her, it was an educational moment.

When we travel together, she had full bottle of shampoo and her checked luggage friddy.

Okay.

And I was in the luggage that she'd take on the plane.

That's hilarious.

That's such a funny way of saying it.

What is a speeding ticket pretty?

I thought the car just wanted to have a conversation type situation.

And I was randomly screened 100% of the time.

And again, that made me realize that you are not chasing attractive women because you're attracted to attractive women.

You are chasing attractive women because they feel like a prop for you to make up for a childhood.

We're half the people that said mean things to you.

We're just kids being jerks.

And they don't decide your value.

But their voices have stayed in your head.

And that's the important thing from understanding that.

And me having this conversation with myself, that's vulnerability in me connecting with myself and understanding who I am.

In the book, I mentioned two ways of doing that.

This irrespective of your religious beliefs, pray.

Because what prayer does is prayer is you're doing it by yourself.

And you are the most honest with the things that you want.

And you are the most honest for the things that you're grateful for.

So it's not performative in any capacity because you're earnestly asking your God or your algorithm, what have you for what you want.

And you're earnestly saying thank you.

And it could be thank you for, you know, thanks for letting me catch that last yellow light.

So I made it on time.

Or, you know, thanks for making sure I had enough money in my bank account today to either whatever it is.

And it allows you to understand what's important to you.

And journaling, journaling with complete vulnerability.

This is how we establish a better relationship with ourselves.

And when we establish that relationship with ourselves and understand who we need.

And again, the subtitle of this book is going easier on yourself.

That's the first thing in self love.

You go easy on your friends. You hold grace for them.

You know, sometimes we make excuses for our friends even when they're not out their best.

But we don't do that for ourselves.

We're so critical of ourselves because we keep hearing critical voices that came from those who raised us

or what we see on social media or what we saw in media growing up.

So I think establishing that relationship with yourself requires you to do it the same way you may relationship with anybody else.

If you were to almost enlist fashion of like practical, because I think this would be a really powerful way for us to finish this session.

Yeah.

If we could make self love super practical for people.

Like here's what it actually looks like.

I think that would help people.

So can we kind of one by one from whatever you can conjure from memory.

Almost make that list.

What can people who want to practice self love so that they have the relationship with themselves.

That means they hold to their boundaries when they go into a relationship.

What can people do?

Yeah.

So I think the first thing is if I can't say the word divorce, I'll say explore a world where enoughness and worthiness are not a factor when it comes to love.

And I think this is important because sometimes again we have cultural ideas of looking for my better half.

You are not a half a person.

You are a complete person.

And what I would say is if you need a better analogy, you are a pillar.

View yourself as a complete pillar.

And what you're looking for now is another pillar that you and you two together can hold more up.

And I think it's Khalil Gibran that says the more distance between the pillar, the more love that can flow through and the more you can hold up.

So I think the first thing is abandoning this idea that you require somebody in order for you to feel complete.

Nobody will make you feel complete.

The challenges you have on the inside will never be addressed on the outside.

George Carlin famously said it's like taping sandwiches to your body to address your hunger.

You can't do it.

That takes us to prioritizing self respect over self esteem.

Self esteem is gaining value from the outside world.

And we live in a society that does it super well.

We count our likes.

We count our followers.

We have blue checkmarks.

We read comments.

All of these are self esteem.

Self respect is how you feel about yourself.

And the work necessary for you to feel better about yourself.

How to do that?

One of my favorite pieces of advice.

I got from Steve Weatherford.

Honor your commitments.

Not your feelings.

You say you're going to do something?

Do it.

Okay?

This is very important for ghost culture.

But this is very important for life in general.

You say you're going to be somewhere.

Be there.

You say you're going to do something.

You make a promise.

The biggest promises we break are always to ourselves.

And then when we break promises, be easier on ourselves and figure out why.

If I've been waking up at noon every single day and I decide,

okay, I'm going to wake up at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

It's going to be a challenge.

So instead of me breaking that promise and beating myself up over it,

set an intention.

You know, people are going to be hearing this in the new year.

Don't make a new year's resolution.

Make a new year's intention.

Intentions are life long.

They're not, I need to lose 10 pounds.

And now you're saying, I'm not worthy until I lose this 10 pounds.

Then you lose the 10 pounds and then you for you of it isn't even there.

You're even with you hitting this milestone in jujitsu.

The blue belt isn't the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

The blue belt is a shade on the rainbow.

And the rainbow is never ending.

You know, you're only going to love jujitsu as long as you can continually learn new things.

And this is just a stop on the intention of you becoming the best jujitsu artist you can possibly be.

So setting intentions, I think, is really important.

One of the greatest ways to do that is just pick hard things, pick challenging things and do it.

One of my favorite sayings is an easy day at the gym was not a good day.

We live in a society, especially in North America, that sells us convenience.

Convenience is an attack on our resilience.

You and I both know this because the moment we sat in the ice,

not wanting to sit on the ice, we learned very quickly that we are dramatically more resilient

than we ever realized we ever were.

And focusing on what we can do regularly to build up that resilience will put us in a dramatically better situation that we're in.

So prioritizing that being our own best friend,

asking ourselves, what would a perfect best friend do and being that?

Take yourself out on dates.

You know what activities you enjoy doing.

Take yourself to these activities.

Again, you're going to be thinking, I had dinner with a friend in London.

I was there last week.

They got an allergic reaction three hours before and their eye was swollen.

It wasn't noticeable, but it wasn't end of the world.

They're not going to let you in the restaurant type situation.

She put on sunglasses.

So we're having dinner in a dark restaurant and her wearing sunglasses.

And I'm like, you've become more noticeable because you're wearing sunglasses indoors.

And she was, I'm doing this to protect you.

I'm like protecting me from what?

I don't want people to look at you and be like, why is he with this person with swollen eyes?

And this is the opera.

I'm not going to think I hit her.

There are opera eyelids with just extra swollen.

So she just looked high.

And it was realizing how much we start to think about the rest of the world paying attention to us when they're not.

And I said, see those people in the corner having Christmas dinner wearing the Santa hats?

I think everyone, if anyone's looking at anybody in this restaurant, they see the Santa hats because they're bright red.

Nobody's noticing us in the corner of this restaurant.

And it doesn't matter even if they do.

And even if they do notice us, we don't know what they're looking at.

So I think it's really important that we focus on our self respect.

That means taking yourself to the movies.

That means taking yourself to get your favorite meal.

I have a friend right now who travels the world eating at Michelin star restaurants by themselves all over the world

and they plan these out and they have them all in their calendar.

And that's how you build a deeper relationship with yourself.

So often we are terrified of just spending time by ourselves.

And either it's because we're dopamine addicts and we don't know how to distract ourselves or we don't enjoy our own company.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

And then somebody has to earn the right to take that to take some of that.

The most important thing we have in this world is our time.

The same way I don't want people forfeiting their boundaries for some attention and affection or status.

The same way you don't want to forfeit your time because that's the most valuable thing you have for anything else.

So self love is that.

Also understand that a lot of things, you know, these ideas that we have that we don't feel like we're good enough.

We don't feel like we're enough.

We think perfection is required for some weird reason.

They're not true.

In the book, I make a reference to, you know, does a YouTube video that show the four minute YouTube video of Beyonce falling off stage.

And the challenge is watch the video see if you love her any less.

You know, her imperfections will not make you will not disqualify her from her from your love if you already love her.

Understand we live in a society the context of everything matters.

We live in a society that needs us to buy shit.

We have to buy shit to keep things afloat.

So the way they make us buy shit is by telling us you're not enough as you are.

So buy some shit.

You need to own three pairs of shoes.

You need to wear this makeup.

You need to wear this filter.

You need to do all of these things because you're not good enough as you are.

But the truth is you there is no enoughness when it comes to you.

So recognize that these ideas are being fed to us.

Not only that, when we romanticize ideas of relationships, they're being fed to us by media.

Because the healthiest relationships would not make for good TV, they would not make for good film.

You know, the most entertaining relationships are going to be with people with opposite attachment styles,

playing a cat in mouse game and being super toxic.

And that's why we watch them.

That's why we watch these realities.

It's so funny isn't it?

When you have a clear sense of what a healthy relationship looks like to you,

it's really it can ruin a lot of movies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You watch things and you go, this is stupid.

This is really, this version of love is kind of pathetic.

And sometimes the older the movie is the more silly it looks because you're just like,

oh my god, you know, movies from the 90s or the 2000s.

There's just some really daft movies out there.

Remember watching Serendipity and just going, what on earth is this movie about?

You know, the female lead in it says they meet each other and they have this great connection.

And I think she's the one who says, I'm just going to walk away because if we're really supposed to

be together, fate will bring us back together.

Yeah.

And then we'll know.

Yeah.

And it's like, what are you talking about?

Yeah.

It's really hard to meet someone you feel an instant connection with.

Explore that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't get in a taxi and leave hoping that at some point in New York, you're bumping

to each other again.

And then that will tell you that it was something real.

Like it's the more you have a clear sense of A, how valuable, you know, things are.

And B, what healthy love looks like.

The more of these things just start to look absurd.

And I think it's also the big one too is the feeling.

And if you go back to your authentic relationships of love, the feeling is peace.

It's not pleasure.

It's not even excitement.

It's peace.

And our Audrey will be nodding along when you say that because I know that said Audrey has

said that for a long distance, the beginning of our relationship.

She's just like peace is the goal.

And it should be.

And the interesting thing about using that sentence, peace is the goal is nothing is acquired

for peace.

Because the peace is like at the bottom and you're just taking away all the junk.

You know, so you don't have to do or be anything for peace.

You just have to get rid of all the extra mess and noise.

And I think that's really important because again, because we are informed by media.

And we're also informed by the people who raised us.

And if they had a very up, you know, they had a rollercoaster ride of a relationship,

we think that's what it needs to be.

The validation of having a jealous boyfriend means he loves me.

No, the validation of being at peace.

And also being at peace isn't simply a quelling of anxiety.

You know, like he finally replied to my text message, I'm no longer anxious.

I'm at peace.

Like that, you know, that is not the peace that we're chasing because that's so temporary.

Your knee is good as the next.

You're only as good as the next.

You should be at constantly at peace and you know, the beauty of the book attached,

which explores attachment styles and a lot of details.

One line I love about it so much is we're not saying we don't believe in soulmates.

We're saying you're probably passed up on your soulmate because you thought they were boring.

And I make a ride of two sisters and my middle sister has been with her husband since they got married in 2003.

I think they've been together since 1999 or 2000.

And people don't believe me when I say this, but if you meet them you'll see it.

They've never fought.

Ever.

And I'm not saying they haven't disagreed.

I've watched them disagree.

I think they're both so aware of themselves.

And then again, she practices socialism.

So I think her emotional keel is very unique.

But I watch them talk about where to live.

Like where to buy a house.

And she goes, you know what I thought about it?

I don't care.

She would pick the neighborhood, pick the place.

I really, I thought about it.

I actually don't care where we live.

You know, go ahead.

And it's like they didn't have a reception for their wedding.

They saved a gang of money.

Didn't throw a big party when they got married.

Paid off their mortgage in 10 years.

And it's just this, could I make a TV show about them?

Hell no.

You know, they do cute things.

You know, she likes taking photos.

And then he takes those photos and hires a painter to paint them.

And then put them up in the house.

They do cute things.

But they're not the...

You can't get a series out of that.

They're not rosy.

They can't get a whole season out.

Yeah.

They're not bobby and Whitney.

They're not rosy and rich.

But they're very healthy.

You know, they got two kids.

And it's, you know, they know what they like.

They know what they don't.

And they have boundaries within their family.

And they have boundaries without them.

They have unique things.

But I think there's that, you know,

a good piece of advice, too, is have love role models.

And, you know, you know, the famous,

what would Jesus do?

Like, I think about them.

I think about them.

What would they do in this situation?

How would they handle this situation?

Yeah.

I think that's...

I've always, you know, believed in that idea of find...

Yeah, find those...

Find those people that do it differently

than you have in your most toxic moments,

in the worst moments.

And look up.

What are they doing differently?

How do they think differently?

How do they treat each other differently?

What are their beliefs?

Like, really model that.

I love it.

Thank you so much for spending this time with me.

I do not take it for granted.

I also wanted to let you know another way

that we can connect each week.

Because there is a private email that I send every Friday

to those who have signed up for it.

For me, it's a way that I can stay connected

to all of you between episodes.

The newsletter is called The Three Relationships.

And basically, each week,

I share something to help you improve

in one of the three big relationships.

Your relationship with other people,

your relationship with yourself,

or your relationship with life itself.

These three relationships are the basis

of an amazing life.

People tell me that they look forward

to this email every single Friday.

It's not the kind of email they skip.

So, if you want to join us,

go to TheThreeRelationships.com

and you can sign up for free.

That's the number three, by the way,

not the word three.

So, TheThreeRelationships.com.

Thank you for listening.

Take care.

And keep showing up for yourself in your life.

I'll see you in the newsletter.

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