Why You’d Regret Competing in the Ancient Greek Olympics

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Tonight, we’re heading back to ancient Olympia — land of laurel wreaths, oil-slicked ambition, and deeply questionable decision-making. You are not an athlete. But you think you could be. What follows is a journey of dust, dishonor, goat-related overconfidence, and one deeply unfortunate encounter with a sacrificial cake.

This is not a story of Olympic glory. It’s a cautionary tale of what happens when civic pride, mild delusion, and an aggressively short tunic collide under the Mediterranean sun. From awkward oaths to surprise punches in the pancreas, you’ll come to understand — painfully and publicly — why some were born to be legends, and others to be cautionary pottery motifs.

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